Well, the bad news is that you’ll get a 20-year jail sentence if you’re charged with voluntary manslaughter. The even worse news is that you’ll face the death penalty if you’re charged with first-degree murder. But the good news is that you look really *glamorous* in your prison jumpsuit, which must be comforting to hear since you’ll be wearing this outfit for quite a while!
Mama Marin is a guilty bitch
If you thought Hanna’s mom was a badass before she got arrested, just wait until you see her full potential once she’s an outlaw on the run! And with her newfound prison connections, the biggest baddest crime boss in Pretty Little Liars will be unstoppable!
Poor Ashley tho. When she killed Detective Wilden, she probably thought she’d get away with it for a long time. I mean, four seasons later, Alison’s murderer is still roaming free…not to mention whoever killed Ian and Garrett is still at large as well. There’ve been so many murders gone unsolved, yet Mama Marin’s ass gets nailed just six episodes later. Who knew the Rosewood Police would actually be competent for this one and only time?
Caleb: You’re not going to lose me, Hanna. I promise. As soon as I find something to get these murder charges off of her back, I will be right there beside you.
LIEEEEEEES. SOOOOO MANY LIEEEEES. I think it’s very telling that Caleb never visited his girlfriend in this episode. I guess he was too busy studying the scripts for his spin-off show Ravenswood to care about Hanna anymore. Here’s Tyler Blackburn probably asking his agent if he could end his stint on Pretty Little Liars early so that he can start filming his new show right away.
Caleb: I would never do anything stupid, Hanna.
Hanna: Never? You let me into your life.
Caleb: I think that was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
I BEG TO DIFFA~~~ First of all, rofl @ the irony of Hanna chastising others for doing anything stupid. And second of all, it’s time for Caleb to aim for higher life aspirations. Maybe take an IQ test and then re-evaluate your definition of ‘smartest thing ever done’.
1.) Her mama is out of the way, so no pesky parental interference with this relationship!
2.) Emotionally vulnerable girls are easiest to manipulate for a shrewd operator like Ezra.
3.) She’ll be single in a couple of episodes, so better start parallel parking into that vacant space!
Hanna: It’s not that easy. Everywhere I go, people are staring at me all judgey-eyed. Like that lady in the book! You know the one?
Ezra: There’re a lot of books in the world, Hanna. Like…really a lot.
Well, we can easily count the number of books that Hanna has read on one hand, so that should narrow down the list. Actually, who else is surprised that Hanna would make such an uncharacteristic reference to any piece of literature? WTF? Maybe she was just talking about an advertisement she saw in the latest issue of People magazine. That’s considered a book too, right?
Blonde #1: Dude, check out that girl’s badly done dye job! Her roots are showing!
Blonde #2: ikr? What kind of hair dye do you think she uses?
Blonde #1: Probably the cheap kind. *ohohoho* Hey, do you think that shade of colour would look good on me? I was thinking of going for a lighter blonde this autumn.
Blonde #2: Any colour would look good on you, bro.
Pam: Look Emily, I know you wanna be there for her. I feel so bad for Hanna, but right or wrong, Ashley has been accused of murder. And I really think Hanna needs to spend some time with her father right now.
Oh my god, that is such a *Pam* thing to say~ Only this callous bitch would disapprove of supporting a friend. “Compassion and sympathy are virtues that you should never have” is Pam’s code of conduct. Besides, I thought she was quite close with Ashley’s family, so it seems kinda cold to blow them off now. Man oh man, you kill one police detective and then you find out who your REAL friends really are~~~
Emily: I haven’t seen Shana since the open mic. It’s like she disappeared…
Hanna: She can’t just disappear. This isn’t Hogwarts. There’s only so many halls and classrooms.
I think “the lady in the book” that Hanna was referring to might have been Hermione Granger, and the other wizards were giving her the *judgey eye* for coming from a Muggle background.
Detective Wilden’s film collection
Emily: OMFG CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT SHANA FOR A MINUTE??? SHANA DIS. SHANA DAT. SHANA SHANA SHANA!!! *orgasms*
And yet, Emily is the only one who keeps mentioning that irrelevant bitch in every other scene, so clearly #Shana #Shana #Shana is in the forefront of her mind. I mean, we all know Shana is the subject of her moist dreams and Emily wants ~*THE V*~ soooooo badly, but she doesn’t have to make it THAT obvious.
*Emily and Spencer are putting the dishes away*
Spencer: That should go in the top shelf.
Emily: Really? Thanks for telling me……this time.
How amazing is it that Emily finds a way to make digs at Spencer while doing something as mundane as putting the dishes away? That’s like some expert skill in shade throwing and I need to take notes!
OMFG Emily! This isn’t some video game where Mario has to collect 99 keys before he can rescue Princess Peach from captivity, so you don’t really need to swipe every key in sight. And by the way, the police precinct does NOT have a *finders keepers* policy contrary to what this little klepto may believe!
What Emily did was pretty idiotic, but I kinda guessed this would happen as soon as I saw dat key lying around. You don’t introduce a plot device on PLL without expecting some kind of ~*drama*~ around it. Besides, I guess the show wouldn’t be nearly as exciting if the liars just stood around and did nothing all the time. *lol* But still, it’s frustrating to watch these girls make one bad decision after another. The only logic they display is a motivation to drive the plot forward. ARRRGH Y R THEY SO STOOPID???
Aria: Look, the bedroom’s over here!
Aria enters a guy’s apartment and she immediately makes a beeline for the bedroom. This girl clearly has a one-track mind. *lmao*
Aria: Not a lot. Just family photos, lots and lots of black socks, and his um…film collection.
Emily: Wilden’s a film buff? What? Like classics?
Aria: Yeah, if you consider Lord of the G-Strings a classic!
Heh. Emily is so chaste and naive when it comes to the perverse nature of men. Oh yes, Wilden seems like the type of guy who watches Finding Nemo & Toy Story 3 in his bedroom every night. Technically, he IS a film buff…if you consider the fact that he’s in the buff when watching these films~
Aria: Hmm, what I found was pretty personal!
Emily: It’s like he came here to eat, sleep, and change his socks.
Aria: I think he did a little more than change his socks!
The other girls were trying to change the subject, but Aria doesn’t catch the social cues and keeps harping on about the pornos. It’s like seeing the p0rn collection trigged some kind of ~*sexual awakening*~ inside Aria and now she’s frigging obsessed! This is definitely a new film genre that she and Jake should start watching together instead of those dreary black-and-white classics.
Um, no contest! I’d watch Jimmy Kimmel’s jiggly boobs any day of the week!
Anyway, the pretty little liars didn’t find anything useful in the apartment, other than a message from A being all *wassup bitches*, so this was a giant waste of time for everyone involved. The girls return home empty-handed…except for Aria, who is secretly on her way to Blockbuster to rent her own copy of Lord of the G-Strings and see what all the critics are raving about!
Stop trying to make Team Taleb happen
Unfortunately, I’m not looking forward to another episode of the Tobster going on one of his wonky detective adventures. Please tell me y’all are as bored with these scenes as I am. *yawns* Can the writers seriously give his character something else to do besides these tedious plots that seem to go absolutely nowhere? Take off his clothes, or put him in a black hoodie, or do whatever you have to do to make Toby watchable again!
Caleb: Alright, I’m blitzed. I’m going to head home and get some rest.
Toby: *lying suggestively on the sofa* You can come crash here if you want~
Was that a come-on from Toby??? How hilarious that he never once invited Spencer to sleep over at his apartment, yet Caleb gets to share the same pillow with him on his bed. Who gets to be the little spoon in this relationship?
1.) Somewhere along the way, these guys must have gotten bored and printed out random pictures of airplanes which they added to their arts and crafts board. *lol*
2.) Did anybody notice there are TWO Shana pictures on the wall? ZOMG TWIN TWIST. Maybe the real Shana is living in Rosewood and her twin sister is living in Ravenswood! That’d explain why the bitch(es) keep showing up all over the place!
At one point, the conversation takes a turn for the worse and these three guys start talking about how much fog there was that night… OH MY DEAR GOD. Please describe an earthly scenario where discussing the fog can be interesting whatsoever!? Poor Recap Everything has almost no material to work with for this episode, so please bear with me here.
Is that not the biggest load of crock you’ve ever heard? First of all, do people usually go to airports to complain about their unsatisfactory home renovation work? Kinda random, bro! And second of all, whodafuq would believe the whole *i know dis guy who owns a plane & he just happens to keep it rite here* nonsense??? Oh dear! Maybe it’s best that Caleb leaves Pretty Little Liars real soon, because evidently his lying skills are *not* very pretty to watch!
Caleb & Toby got rly aggro at the pilot dude afterwards, so they got into a heated confrontation with him. At one point, I think Toby might have threatened to set Nigel on fire!? OMG PUT DOWN THAT LIGHTER, SON!!! Then again, I shouldn’t complain since it’s the first time anything interesting happened with this investigation. Toby should just burn down the entire building, all the airplanes, and Nigel’s character for that matter. Hell, he could set himself on fire and I still wouldn’t give a toss about this dreary storyline.
Nigel: The truth is…CECE DRAKE IS THE EVIL MASTERMIND BEHIND EVERYTHING. Kthxbye~ *gtfo*
Well, okay then. As Nigel makes his sudden getaway, there was an unintentionally funny moment when he throws these dollar bills right at Toby’s face. It’s funny because in a few years’ time when Toby’s character hits rock bottom and he ends up dancing at a strip club, let’s just say he better get used to having all kinds of money thrown into his face~~~
Just… five… more… episodes… of… dead… mama… angst! *slowly steps away from the noose* The only thing pulling me through Toby’s dead mama bullshit is the fact that we’re halfway done with it. Unless they decide to continue this storyline into the second half of Season 4, but PLL wouldn’t be that sadistic to us viewers…right?
Spencer: Cece visited Mona when she was in Radley…
Toby: OMG! WHAT A COINCIDENCE! DID I MENTION THAT MY DEAD MAMA ALSO WENT TO RADLEY!? *holding back tears* CALEB, COULD YOU GIVE SPENCER AND ME A MOMENT ALONE!?
Caleb: umm okay?
Toby: WOW. *wipes eye* SUCH A MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT TO MY DEAD MAMA INVESTIGATION!
PLL had one chance to make Toby interesting last season and they blew it. Now we’re stuck with this emotional terrorist and his never-ending loop of drama. *exasperated* GOD HELP US ALL.
A drives a car into Emily’s house!!!
Besides, smashing a car is such child’s play when we all know A is capable of so much worse. ZOOM ZOOM, MAMA FIELDS!
2.) There’s no denying that A is picking off the law enforcement characters one by one. Pam got lucky this time, but she’s clearly on ~*DA HIT LIST*~. Officer Holbrook and Lt. Tanner should stay away from their living rooms as well, because they must be next!!!
3.) BTW, this was totally karma after the shit Pam said about Ashley earlier in the episode: “Oh, just let Hanna suffer as her mom rots in prison!” HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES, PAM???
Who vandalized Connor’s car? Who actually cares?
Mike: Whoever did it knows Connor is a wuss! He always gets worked by offence, haven’t fouled out of a game this season… Things get aggressive, he backs down. Every time.
It seems like things weren’t very pleasant in the bedroom judging by his choice of words. “He always gets worked by defence!” & “Things get aggressive, he backs down!” are just nicer ways of saying: CONNOR WOULDN’T LET ME STICK IT INSIDE HIM. From what I can tell, Connor and Mike were both fussy bottoms who couldn’t find a working arrangement during intercourse, leading to their hostile break-up.
Aria: *suspicious eyes* You know, you never showed up at Emily’s open mic…
Mike: Sad chicks in hipster glasses playing the same three chords and whining about their ex? Yeah, no thanks.
Whatever, Mike! At least those folks get over their break-up peacefully instead of going psycho over their ex’s car!
Ohhhhh ladiez, I think we discovered another reason why they broke up. “It’s a tiny little stick” is a very revealing statement, no? Sounds like Connor wasn’t very impressed with the size of Mike’s lacrosse equipment, know what I mean?
Mike: That car was smashed by a bat, a pipe, maybe even a sledgehammer.
I don’t understand why Mike thinks playing lacrosse proves his innocence? Last time I checked, lacrosse players can also vandalize cars with a bat, a pipe, or even a sledgehammer. In fact, suggesting those tools shows that he put a lot of thought into choosing the right weapon. Definitely guilty!
Byron: One of his teammates is filing a police report, and that kid’s father is pressing to have him expelled over some kind of damage to a car. It’s that kid, Connor, the one you tutored last week. Did you notice any tension between them?
Only the ~*SEXUAL TENSION*~ between them, baby! *loljk* (Recap Everything, your ability to read gay subtext into any piece of dialogue is truly amazing. Why thank you~)
Can you imagine what poor Papa Montgomery must be thinking right now? “OMFG. My daughter is a total ho while my son is a total psycho! Book me a plane ticket, Ella! Let me escape to Austria with you~~~ “
And yet, Mona walks freely in the school hallways, even though her extracurricular activities include physical assault, psychological torment, and multiple reported incidents of endangering other students’ lives. So clearly, there isn’t a *zero-tolerance* policy or *any* policy for that matter. What kind of school is this principal running here anyway!? I guess that’s why you can’t spell Principal Hackett without the word *HACK*. Sums it up, really.
Aria: I was just leaving a thank you note. An e-mail feels a little impersonal.
Try using a couple of emoticons if you want to add a personal touch in your email message, okay? Send him a gift card if you want! There are other ways to say thank you without giving Ezra a home visit! What is Aria playing at here!? Deep down, you know she was just waiting for Ezra to invite her inside for coffee and a fumble in the sheets. This girl’s actions are SO transparent.
Ezra: *sees Aria* Twice in one day!!!
What an awkward human being. You can tell because even Ezra hangs his head in shame after saying that. *lol* It must have been a Freudian slip because Ezra associates Aria with an activity that he does twice in one day. Once with the left hand and once with the right hand!