Hanna: *sobbing into her hands*
Lt. Tanner: I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you get the electric chair, mwhahaha~~~ *cackles as she summons thunder to roar down from the skies*
By the way, can you imagine if Hanna was actually jailed and has to spend Season 5 to Season 24 of PLL across a prison courtyard? Think of the seven years of fashion trends that she’ll miss out on! Think of all the new television shows that she wouldn’t be able to watch! Think of a life without her nail polish, her hair dye, and her shoe collection! Such a cruel fate!
Emily: Seven years!? For what!?
Hanna: Carrying a concealed weapon, attempting to destroy evidence, murder…I dunno, whatever they find.
Emily: You are not a murderer!
Lt. Tanner’s mind games are so diabolical that she managed to make Hanna confess to a murder that she didn’t even commit. *lmao* What a tricky bitch~ She can get inside your head and utterly violate your psyche. The A Team needs to recruit this motherfucka to the dark side ASAP.
Emily does an evidence switcheroo
Caleb: Hanna! I was so worried-
Papa Marin: k bye bitch~
Mama Marin: k bye bitch~
I guess Caleb won’t put in any effort to maintain his relationship with Hanna since he’s leaving this show in a couple of episodes anyway. He’s too preoccupied fantasising about his future romances with *Miranda* or *Olivia* or some other ho from that spin-off show of his. Who’d have time for that silly old goose Hanna Marin???
This turns out to be a big fat lie just to get Emily into Hanna’s bedroom (HEY HEY~), which was pretty smart and crafty of her. But you know what would be even smarter? Actually bringing Hanna’s *REAL* homework so that her dumb ass doesn’t fall behind school and flunk out of any more classes than she already does.
Hanna: I’m in purgatory, a condition of temporary punishment and suffering from which I may never leave.
Emily: *stunned silence*
Hanna: I looked it up, along with everything about prosecuting minors and state minimums for third degree federal offences.
HANNA MARIN = SECRET GENIUS??? Holy crap, that might be the most syllables we’ve heard Hanna string together in a single sentence! It’s surprising b/c none of us thought her pea brain has the physical capacity to retain actual knowledge.
Spencer: It’s called ballistics. When you fire a gun, a barrel leaves grooves on the bullet…like a pattern. And if the pattern of that barrel matches the bullet that killed Wilden, then bam! That’s the murder weapon.
It seems like whoever wrote this episode must have spent a lot of time reading the dictionary and copied the exact word-by-word definitions into the script. Poor Aria looked like she understood maybe two words that came out of Spencer’s mouth.
Emily: Yeah Hanna! Go ahead and submit the video to the police! Let’s make sure that bitch never gets to leave prison!
*lolwtf* Does Emily understand how the legal system works? You usually try to submit evidence that proves the defendant is innocent, not the other way around!
To make matters worse, Emily plans on submitting the surveillance disc anonymously. And by ‘anonymously’, I mean this: “HIHIHIHI~ LOOK AT ME! I AM EMILY FIELDS! WALKING INTO THIS POLICE PRECINCT! DROPPING OFF THIS CD! I AM SO INCONSPICUOUS HEHE! ”
MY THEORY: Does anyone think that Lt. Tanner was the one who swapped the videos? Think about it! What has curly hair, two thumbs, and can move freely around the police precinct? I wouldn’t put it past dis tricky bitch to switch the real evidence with fake footage instead, so this stunt is probably another one of her twisted mind games. At this rate, Lt. Tanner is setting up traps all across town until she gets every single person living in Rosewood to admit that they killed Detective Wilden.
Emily is basically pissing and pmsing all over Shana’s arrival because who does this irrelevant beta bitch think she is!? GTFO SHANA. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE. DOOR IS DATTAWAY BITCH.
Ugh, Shana is not charming enough to be likable, she’s not complex enough to be mysterious, and the bitch isn’t even bitchy enough to be entertaining. I just find her character one-dimensional and annoyingly *basic*.
1.) Plays the violin. CHECK!
2.) Has the personality of a frigid cold bitch. CHECK!
3.) Is a fierce lesbian goddess… Well, Shana is hardly fierce or a goddess, but I guess that’s what Jenna (aka. Sailor Uranus) brings to their relationship.
Aria, the sex tutor
Spencer: No, you just spit in it!
1.) “HEY SPENCER, WANNA TASTE THIS NASTY COFFEE WITH MY SALIVA IN THE MIX???” <-- what Aria deems as appropriate behaviour. 2.) The pretty little liars are such sophisticated coffee connoisseurs! Some people go to winetasting sessions, but all the cool kids are doing coffeetasting sessions instead. Also, the correct way to taste wine is that you’re supposed to spit it out afterwards, so that’s probably what Aria was doing. *spit spit spit*
As soon as it was revealed that he knows Aria’s brother, I immediately had him pegged as a love interest for Mike Montgomery. Like mother like son, Mike wanted to bag himself a cutie pie from the pastry shop and spread some sprinkles inside Connor’s doughnut hole. ;O Personally, I’ve already written out a fanfic with the two guys sharing croissants & kisses with each other before I even saw them interact, so this gay relationship is already *my* reality regardless of what happens on the actual show.
P.S. William Shakespeare, you better watch your back gurl! All your stories are gonna be obsolete as soon as Aria Montgomery publishes her first novella!
When a lady asks her gentleman caller to visit her boudoir, the implications are pretty clear. She wanna look at more than just your footnotes, you know what I mean? Then again, I guess Aria doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries, coming from the girl who does all her essay writing on her teacher’s bed.
Okay, I know I’m totally clutching my pearls at the commencement of this gay romance that hasn’t even happened yet. But considering the sole purpose of Mike’s existence is a ~*coming out*~ storyline, my patience is starting to wear thin. Just come out already, you little closet case! I wanna watch Mike Montgomery’s love story unfold and I WANT IT NAO!!!
Given her track record, it’s somewhat surprising Aria didn’t soak up the male affection wherever she could get it. I guess she’d kiss any guy except for the gay ones. Or maybe she desires being the underage party in her relationships, so she doesn’t go for young’uns who look like they have yet to experience puberty. Just like a porno theatre, you have to be at least 18+ to enter inside Aria Montgomery! Don’t even try to hook up with her until your balls dropped and you grow some hair on your chest, little boy!
I think the sad shallow truth is that Connor might not be hot enough to pique Aria’s interest. The kid is cute in his own way, but he’s considered a massive downgrade after she recently finished making out with Karate Jake. I mean, that’s a pretty tough act to follow. To put it frankly, Jake is like the caviar of men, while Connor is like a little rotten shrimp that has gone bad. And once Aria had a taste of that fine piece of man meat, she ain’t going back to the other appetizers and side dishes on the menu!
Stop slut-shaming Aria!
Poor Mike’s wittle sensitive heart gets broken when he hears the news. And ohhhh ladiez, Miss Mike Montgomery pulled out her handbag and threw a HISSY SHRIEKY FIT! I think it’s very telling that he never seemed to care when his sister was macking on her high school teacher or her karate instructor, but as soon as ~CONNOR~ got involved, that suddenly riled up all of Mike’s gay nerves! You know what he’s thinking, right? My man-stealing whore of a sister could have any guy that she wanted, but why couldn’t she leave Connor alone!? NOT MY CONNOR!
Oh my god Aria, simmer down!!! You can’t just go around trolling for men in the school locker rooms no matter how horny you are! ME ARIA MONTGOMERY! ME HONGRY FOR MEN! ME MARCH INTO LOCKER ROOM TO FEAST ON MY NEXT PREY! No, Aria, no! Gurl, I know you’re craving for some meaty dick, but you seriously need to control yourself and not act on all of your sexual urges! Can you imagine if the situation was reversed as some guy walked into the locker room with all the girls in their bras and panties? We’d be calling him a filthy lewd pervert, so Aria is really no better!
Connor: You can quit the innocent virgin act. Everybody knows you and Mr. Fitz weren’t just Scrabble buddies.
Aria: EXCUSE ME!?
Connor: How many points for the word SLUT?
First of all, the answer would be 4 points. But more importantly: awwwwkward~~~ *hears a pin drop* Oh my god, I can’t believe he said that! Didn’t Connor’s mama teach him to insult a bitch behind her back but treat her like a lady to her face? Even the other guys in the locker room were like *oh no he din’nt*
WTF Connor, who does this nondescript asshole think he is!? Yeah, Aria might be a total slut, but you have no right to call her that! And what is so wrong with being a slut, I might add? At least Aria isn’t hurting anyone with her words or actions. On the other hand, Connor is a fucking nasty piece of work who forces himself onto women and makes up sick sexual fantasies about them when they reject his stank ass. Fuck off, Connor!
Ezra: Miss Montgomery, you shouldn’t be in here.
If only he could say the same thing to Aria during penetration.
I like to make fun of this promiscuous ho as much as the next person, but I’m also oddly protective over her and feel the need to defend her character. Yeah, she might be a slut, but she’s an *endearing* slut who isn’t really hurting anybody with her loose floppy vagina, so she doesn’t warrant these malicious attacks against her. JUST LEAVE ARIA ALONE, OKAY???
Upon further reflection…nahhhh! I’m only kidding~~~ Had you going there for a second, eh? I’m sorry, but it’s far too enjoyable to make fun of Aria’s slut rampages and I cannot find it in me to quit. Just because those teenage boys are awful perverted bullies doesn’t make Aria any less of a ho, y’know? ARIA IS STILL A HUGE SLUTTY MCSLUTBAG BUT THAT’S WHY WE LOVE HER.
Aria: Look, you cannot be the guy that helps me feel better anymore! Don’t you get that!? *talk2thehand @ Ezra* Just stay away from me! Please!
Oh my days, I keep rewinding this exchange and I weep tears of joy every time my ears hear those sweet poetic words. “Just stay away from me!” BEST ARIA MONTGOMERY QUOTE EVER???
“I’m sorry I’m such a slut!” Is this really the kind of conversation that a healthy brother/sister relationship should be having? Despite Aria indulging in her pity party of one, she ends up sharing a heartfelt moment with her baby bro. Mike tells her that he should’ve realized Connor was lying (since gay guys don’t enjoy hooking up with girls, silly!) and he promises to be a better brother by making it up to her (aka. imma commit another felony in ur honour, sis!) If you listened to their exchange carefully, you’ll notice that Mike *still* hasn’t apologized for acting like such a dick to his sister in the past two episodes. However, this is the first time his character displayed any ~*moral conscience*~ whatsoever, so I guess it’s a good start?
By the way, sprawling the word LIAR on Connor’s car? Sounds like somebody isn’t being entirely truthful about their sexuality~~~
Mona: OMG TOBY STOLE THE RV & SPENCER DIDN’T TELL U GUISE BECUZ SHE’S AN ASSHOLE!!!
Emily: *hating on Spencer again*
Mona: Mission accomplished! #spillthetea #spilliteverywhere #EVERYWHERE
I kinda wish they’d just call a spade a spade, because the unspoken implication & what we are all thinking is: Mona = BIG CAPITAL C. I doubt this punchline would fly with the ABC Family censors tho~
Emily: I know you’re trying to protect Toby, but I really wish you’d think about the people you were hurting!
Part of me thinks that Emily is *just jellus* because her precious god Toby shared this secret with Spencer but not with Emily herself. Notice how she didn’t have a single bad thing to say about Toby (who could do no wrong in her eyes) even after the shit he pulled, yet she’s hating on Spencer’s ass with the ferocity of a thousand suns. Emily makes her ~*loyalties*~ very clear in this scene, don’t ya think?
Spencer: If we just told them the truth, I know they would understand.
Toby: If we tell them, it’s over! I’d never know what happened to my mom.
IT’S OVER!? IF ONLY WE ARE SO LUCKY. *sighs* On the bright side, we only have to put up with six more episodes of the dead mama dramarama, everyone!
I’m reminded of a quote once said by a very wise man on the show: “I dunno, I see a black-and-white movie on TV and I think something is broken~” Exactly, Karate Jake! That basically describes Ravenswood in a nutshell. Something must be broken alright, most likely the ~*colour filter*~ used to produce this episode.
Before we even entered this town, we see a hilarious piece of stock footage with all dem ravens crowing and flapping their wings in such a dramatic fashion. This shot was so obviously out-of-place and looked like it was clipped directly out of a black-and-white film from the 1940s.
Lady Grunwald was glamming it up and getting her hair ~*did*~ until these two musky street rats come bursting into the salon. Spencer approaches the woman with as much subtlety and tact as you’d expect, which means the first line out of her mouth is: “WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY DEAD FRIEND? GIVE ME ALL YOUR ANSWERS NOW!!!” Grunwald was basically like *oh ffs this lil’ interruption better not ruin my pram~
2.) Second of all, it must be said as well: Lady Grunwald = LEADER OF THE A TEAM??? In fact, I think she’s running The A Team, The B Team, and the yet-to-be-discovered C Team. Don’t be fooled by her demure demeanour. Last episode, she was described to us as a vile hag who ruled the sorority house with an iron fist, so I think this woman is putting on a front and she’s secretly a bitch in sheep’s clothing. Besides, you can’t really be an ally of Alison DiLaurentis without having some sort of deeply rooted evil inside you.
Lady Grunwald = TIME TRAVELLER??? In a bizarro world like Ravenswood, any conspiracy theory is possible! Besides, she does speak like a creature that has escaped from approximately the 18th Century, so I think this might be the most believable theory yet!
4.) Lady Grunwald is quite obviously a BIG LYIN’ BITCH who won’t admit she knows Alison, and she refuses to spill the tea no matter how hard Spencer presses her.
5.) Ah, but enough questions! Now if you will excuse me, my dear, this hair won’t blow-dry by itself~~~
Ohohohoho! That’s real rich coming from the crybaby with the dead mama angst. And this is the same schmuck who takes leads from credible sources like psychiatric hospital patients, demented serial killers, etc.
Spencer: Me!? I need to learn when to let things go!? I might be trusting a bird, but you’re trusting A!
lolpwnt toby~ and for the record, I would not trust that damn bird so much if I were you, Spencer. Tippi is obviously in cahoots with The A Team!
Even the bird was like: GURRRRL, THIS TOWN IS TOO MUCH. Imma commit suicide so I don’t have to continue living here anymore. *lolded*
Mama Marin, you’re under arrest!
Ashley: I took the gun cuz I didn’t know what was gonna happen! He grabbed the gun out of my hands & I ran! I swear to god I didn’t shoot him!
Is that the best she can do? Oh man, she’s so screwed in court. *lol* I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt, but we’ve heard at least ten different versions of the story from Mama Marin. First, she was not in Rosewood. Then, she never saw Detective Wilden. Then, she never stole the gun. And then, she admitted she was lying all along, yet we’re still supposed to believe she didn’t kill the bastard. I mean, her guilt is kind of a foregone conclusion at this point, no?
Tom: Ashley! *turns off stove* Are you trying to burn the house down!?!?
Oh yeahhhh, adding arson to the crime checklist, baby~ That should add at least two or three more years to her jail sentence. And hey, if Mama Marin is going down for murder, then she’s gonna go in a blaze of glory!
THESE WORDS NEED TO BE PRINTED OUT AND TATTOOED ON HANNA’S FOREHEAD PERMANENTLY. Unfortunately, she says this now, but by the time of the next episode, she has already forgotten her own advice. If you thought burying the gun behind the sorority house was the peak of her stupidity, then oh my god just you wait and see what else she does. No joke, Hanna Marin may seriously be the dumbest human being alive.
Ashley: Honestly, dad? I didn’t think you wanted me to.
I thought this exchange was very well-done. Besides the hilarious fact that Papa Marin was seated at the stairwell drowning his sorrows with a glass of vodka (DRINKING IN DAYTIME? SO SOAP OPERA! I LUV IT~), it was actually a poignant scene highlighting the dynamic between Hanna and her father. Last episode, she didn’t return the stolen gun back to her dad because she was afraid he’d report her mom to the police. I think it’s pretty sad that a daughter couldn’t find it in her heart to trust her own father, and it’s also pretty sad that she thinks he doesn’t want her in his life anymore. This gives us some insights to what a vulnerable individual Hanna is, and while this doesn’t excuse her astounding stupidity, it does let us understand the rationale behind her actions.
Hanna: No, she didn’t do it! You have to believe me! She didn’t do it! Mom, come on! Tell her you didn’t do it!
Ashley: …… *silence*
I think Ashley’s silence tells us what we need to know about her innocence, hmm? But don’t worry Hanna, I’m sure you’ll see your mom again one day. I mean, I’m sure they’ll release her maybe fifty years later when she gets a chance at parole, so just be a little more patient gurl!