Season 4 Episode 4, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Face Time

Emily is a runaway teen with a busted up shoulder; Lt. Tenner is a sly bitch setting up traps all over the place; Melissa is a lunatic SMASHING DEM MASKS.

It has been four episodes since Officer Holbrook dragged his sorry ass to Rosewood, and this so-called police detective basically got nothing accomplished. To be fair, I don’t think anyone had high expectations for his character. It was obvious from the start that his role is *eye candy* and the Rosewood Police hired him because he was moderately pleasant on the eyes. As for the murder investigation, it’s cute that Officer Holbrook thinks he’s capable and competent, but please put down the case file and leave the police work to an actual professional.

Meet Lieutenant Tanner, who was introduced in this episode and immediately started doing *THE MOST*. Ohohohoho, where do we even start with this bitch!? :D

Here’s what you need to know about Lieutenant Linda Tanner:

1.) As soon as Lt. Tanner arrived on the show, I can immediately sense that she was a fan of da ladiez. Don’t ask me why I think this, it’s just a gut intuition I got. My gaydar is never wrong.

Actually, it’s because her actress played a fierce lesbian goddess on Nip/Tuck and I’m now forever conditioned to feel this way about her. *lol typecasting* Whatever, the important thing is I want to see her lezzzzz it up on Pretty Little Liars, preferably with one of the moms. Lt. Tanner and Mama Hastings would make a cute couple, no? :o)

2.) Lt. Tanner is a strong independent womyn with many different jobs. She’s tasked with solving Detective Wilden’s murder, investigating the pretty little liars, babysitting Officer Holbrook, and criticizing the fashion on this show.

Tanner: If I dressed like that when I was in high school, my dad would have had a stroke.
Holbrook: I could have gotten used to it. ;)

Hey pretty little liars, see that cloud hanging above your heads? BAM! You just got ~SHADE~ thrown all over your little tart bodies, courtesy of Lt. Tanner! *finger snap*

Speaking of fashion, we have to comment on that blouse Miss Hanna is wearing in this episode. Hey, who’s hungry for some ice-cream sandwiches? OH SORRY, looks like Hanna already took the dessert table and placed it on her shirt!

I mean, I guess it’s kind of a cute top. I’m not sure if there’re many girls who want to have an ice-cream cone and a popsicle stick over their titties, but fair play to you Hanna.

3.) The thing about Lt. Tanner is… this woman is ONE TRICKY BITCH. Her investigation method involves leaving these deliberate *traps* all over the place and then doing a little smirk when her suspects slip up. For instance, she visits the bank and asks Mama Marin to show her Detective Wilden’s safety deposit box, leading to this exchange:

Tanner: As far as you know, no bank employee has ever seen the contents of this box. *slyly* Except for you.
Ashley: Err…um…wha… *sweating bullets*
Tanner: I mean just now when you opened it. Hehehehehehe. ;)

LOL DIS BITCH. She sets up so many traps that you need to be equipped with a minesweeper to navigate a conversation with her.

Poor Mama Marin. In that moment, she looked like she shat enough bricks to build a house. I mean, she has enough trouble lying competently to Hanna without tripping over her own words. So, how is Ashley supposed to get past this conniving bitch and her field of landmines? It won’t take long before Lt. Tanner tricks her into giving a full confession, regardless if she actually killed Detective Wilden or not. Hanna’s mom is so screwed. *lol*

Detective Wilden’s deposit box contains several mementos, including a personal firearm (with the serial number scratched off), a shitload of cash (aka. extortion money), and surprisingly two passports (Detective Wilden’s twin is a Canadian!? ZOMG.)

The significance of Detective Wilden’s dual citizenship is HUGE, because it shows that A is expanding their covert operations across the border. First, they’ll send their trained secret spies to Canada, then they’ll open new business branches in other countries, and finally The A Team will have enough international resources to ~*take over the world*~.

4.) CHECK OUT DEM HOOKER HEELS~~~ Like most divas, it should come as no surprise that Lt. Tanner is also a fashionista. Let’s not focus on the impracticality of trekking through crime scenes and doing police chases in this footwear. Instead, let’s just imagine her walking all over your body in those sweet sexi high heels, ooh yeah~ ;D

5.) LT. TANNER’S STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD~~~ DAMN RIGHT IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS~~~

Try not to laugh, but Hanna thinks that she can *outsmart* Lt. Tanner in a battle of wits. She tries convincing the police that they should totes arrest Spencer’s sister instead of her mom.

Hanna: Hey gurl, didju know Melissa Hastings went on Detective Wilden’s boat a couple of times?
Tanner: NO WAI~~~ :O
Hanna: YES WAI! Arrest the bitch immediately, please and thank you.

The worst part is Lt. Tanner didn’t even have to activate her infamous traps, because Hanna was basically serving her own shady ass on a silver platter. This bitch wanted to *frame* Melissa, but it backfired in a big way. The problem is she kept rambling incessantly and blurting out unnecessary secrets, which made herself look really guilty. Hanna needs to learn that less is more! Shut yer trap, gurl!

Lt. Tanner just sat there and listened to her chatter sympathetically. She waited until Hanna gave her enough rope to hang herself…and that’s when she unleashed her Z-NAP FULL THROTTLE ATTACK. In a matter of seconds, before Hanna even knew what hit her, Lt. Tanner turned it all around and *checked* the bitch all the way back to PRIMARY SCHOOL!!!

Lt. Tanner: Did you ever go on his boat?
Hanna: …huh…wha? No? o.o
Lt. Tanner: Hmm interesting. How many times have you spoken to Wilden in the past? When was the last time you talked to him? How well did you know him? And what was the deal with your fingerprints on that shovel we found? What is your defense for all the incriminating evidence against you and your friends? Details please.

GURRRRRL. THIS LIEUTENANT TANNER IS A *CUT* *THROAT* *BEAST*. She was one second away from pulling out her handcuffs and dragging Hanna’s ass to the police precinct! Holy shit, don’t mess with this bitch unless you’re prepared to be devoured in the most ruthless way possible!

Seriously, we have to *clock* Hanna for thinking that she can manipulate and misdirect the police. Gurrrl, you don’t have the mental fortitude to play against Lt. Tanner in this game! You don’t possess the skills, you don’t know the rules, and you don’t even have all your board game pieces together, so please stop embarrassing yourself!

It was so painful to watch Hanna make such a fool out of herself in this scene. She’s in way over her head! I’m sorry, but Hanna is such a motherfucking dumb bitch. She wins the first DUMB BITCH AWARD of the season, and the saddest part is there’ll be so many other occasions in Season 4 where Hanna is the recipient of every dumb bitch award out there. :(

Hanna’s saving grace is that she has a boyfriend with a functioning brain, and Caleb saves her from her stupidity on multiple occasions. Of course, Hanna is such a dumbass that she keeps resisting his advice and his help in this investigation, which is beyond frustrating to watch. *arrrrgh* HANNA Y U SO HOPELESS???

Caleb has been a superstar in this whole investigation. He doesn’t always get the details right, but he’s calm, he’s rational, and he’s the voice of reason. His presence is also why I haven’t yanked out all my hair watching Hanna’s dumb ass sabotage herself in this storyline.

Hanna: He thinks my mom stole the gun? No, it’s not possible.
Caleb: It’s beyond possible. It’s what happened.

Oh snap, looks like somebody just got TOLD. *lol* Caleb is such a straight-shooter, I like that about him. In fact, not that he has a lot of worthy competition, but I think he’s actually my favourite male PLL character. It used to be Toby, but you’d be amazed what a tedious dead mama storyline can do to somebody’s likability factor. Now I am Team Caleb all the way.

I will miss Caleb when he leaves Pretty Little Liars to star in that undoubtedly inferior spin-off show Ravenswood next month. I don’t really want to see him go, but I understand his potential on PLL will always be limited. Tyler Blackburn is a pretty well-received figure with decent looks and decent acting skills (I mean, I’ve seen a lot worse on this network x_x), so I’d understand why ABC Family wants to give him a more prominent leading role and why they’d trust him to anchor a new show. It sucks that means he’s leaving Pretty Little Liars, but I wish him the best of luck.

P.S. My prediction is that Ravenswood will be a gigantic flop and Caleb’s character will come running back to Rosewood when his new show gets cancelled after one season. *lol*

Later in the episode, Lt. Tanner and her chauffeur visit Hanna’s house to interrogate the fuq out of Mama Marin, but Caleb stepped in and saved the day.

Hanna: My mom isn’t home. :(
Holbrook: O RLY? Then why is her car outside?
Caleb: The car is outside because I moved it there with my telekinetic powers. I have a gift for moving objects with my mind since I was a little child.

Caleb is one smart cookie who manages to dodge the police questioning. This kid reminds me of Foxface from The Hunger Games, because Caleb is able to dance around ~*all the traps*~ that Lt. Tanner laid out in front of him. If there’s anyone who can outsmart that tricky bitch, I’d put money on Caleb being a worthy contender!

My favourite part is seeing this little twinkle in Lt. Tanner’s eyes. She gave Caleb a look that says: “Hmm? You think you’re so clever, little boy. I admit, you’re a worthy adversary who intrigues me on an intellectual level, but we’ll see how long that lasts before you fall into one of my traps. They all fall in the end, my dear. *ahem* GABRIEL FETCH ME MY HEELS. WE ARE LEAVING THIS HOUSE. *glares sternly at Caleb* We’ll meet again. This isn’t over.”

The look only lasted half a second in reality, but you could read SO MUCH TENSION into that one glance omgggg.

Mama Fields is such an atrocious parent that family services ringed up Emily’s dad and be all like *u need to come home & divorce ur monster of a wife so that your child will be protected from her wicked ways*. By now, PEOPLE BE TALKIN’ around town that Pam is a bad parent, and there’s a legitimate concern that she might be in trouble because the truth = Pam is actually a pretty shitty parent. *lol* I mean, if we are doing a numerical evaluation of her parental skills from a scale of 1 to 10, I’m pretty sure Mama Fields would score somewhere in the negative range.

Emily decides to make the situation worse by begging Dr. Douche Vargas to change his original statement about her mama. Of course, this uppity little douchebag was like *lolno* because he enjoys watching families get torn apart bwhahaha.

Seriously, what a fucking douchebag! If he had a moral conscience instead of that black lump of coal, he should feel so damn guilty for destroying somebody’s family with these baseless allegations. How cowardly of him to sit inside that office and cast false judgment on a stranger’s parenting skills. Besides, why is it any of his beeswax anyway over what happens in Emily’s household? If Pam wants to beat her daughter with a spiked club in the privacy of her own home, then let the woman be! Fuck you, Dr. Vargas!

Emily: Did you talk to family services about me!?
Vargas: yes gurl yes~
Emily: You shouldn’t have done that! You have to call them back and tell them there’s nothing to worry about!
Vargas: Emily, did someone pressure you to talk to me this morning? This is a safe place, you can tell me the truth here. ;O

As expected, Dr. Douche Vargas seizes any opportunity to dig for personal gossip, most likely so that he can call family services again and give them an update on his status report. Good grief, can he stop acting like some nosey fishwife and start behaving like a professional doctor for once? Actually, someone needs to revoke his medical license and give him a disciplinary hearing just for being such a giant douchenozzle.

Hey Emily? Wanna hear some more bad news? YOU CAN NEVER SWIM AGAIN HOORAY! Emily’s doctor tells her that she tore this muscle and ripped that muscle and they’ll probably have to cut her open in surgery to put all her body parts together again. The key point is that she’ll be a sucky swimmer after her surgery, and competitive swimming is out of the question forevah. OHNOES!

Paige: Em, you can find another dream.
Emily: I don’t know if I can be one of those girls that sits up in the stands and watches you win.

CONTROVERSIAL OPINION: It’s funny Emily says this, because I think deep down Paige is secretly relieved that her girlfriend won’t be a more successful swimmer than her. *gasps* :O

I dunno, something about Paige’s dominant demeanour tells me that she wants to be the one wearing the pants, while she’d prefer if Emily was more of a *trophy wife*. “Hey Em, guess there’s only enough room for one successful athlete in our relationship. ^_^ But don’t worry, behind every Olympic champion, there’s usually a supportive loved one cheering them on from the sidelines. I think your new dream is to be my cheerleader & give me flowers after I win each gold medal!” <-- Paige's thought process exposed.

In Paige’s defense, I think she has been very kind and supportive towards her girlfriend to the best of her ability. Emily is very *vulnerable* right now and Paige is doing a great job at being her *emotional rock*.

With that said, I don’t think Paige would have handled it nearly as well if *she* was the one who got injured instead. Can you imagine being the person (i.e. Dr. Vargas) who has to tell Paige that she hurt her shoulder and she can’t go to her beloved Stanford University? I think Psycho Paige would have gone berserk and she’d tell Dr. Vargas to go fuck himself before drowning his douche ass in a swimming pool!!!

WHOA EMILY’S DAD IS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!! Papa Fields suddenly morphs into *THE HULK* and tears his daughter a new asshole for being such a liar liar pants on fire. It’s true that Emily hasn’t been the most honest child lately (or ever). She’s lyin’ about dem pills and she’s lyin’ about dat injury, and Papa Fields has had enough of her bullshit.

Wayne: *hand on hip* GURL U NEED TO CHECK YOSELF BEFORE U WRECK YOSELF~

P.S. When Emily’s dad gets angry, he likes to point his finger. A LOT. I guess it’s a military thing?

Emily: Can’t you just trust me!?
Wayne: OH HELL NAWWWW!!! WE ARE YOUR PARENTS!!! WE DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!! *spits out fire* STOP BEING SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING LYING SHITBAG!!!

Do you guys think Emily’s father may be going through ~*menopause*~? This would explain a lot about his behaviour. It’s just that Papa Fields seemed like a pretty ~chill~ guy in the past, so I’m not used to seeing this fiery side of his personality. It’s like he turned the dial all the way to maximum aggro. Like whoa, take a packet of chill pills mister!

OMFG RUNAWAY TEEN ALERT~~~ The argument between Emily and her parents got super heated, especially when Papa Fields clocked the tea about A. *ding ding ding* That’s when Emily decides to be like *kbyebitches* and makes a mad sprint out the door. Run, Forrest, run!!! I don’t think Emily even knows where she’s running towards, she was just like *imma put on my jogging shoes and bounce*.

P.S. Well, if the swimming scholarship doesn’t work out for Emily, maybe she should consider competing in track and field instead?

And then Emily was like OMG SO SHOCKED when A decides to call the police on her parents. Oh gee Emily, what did you expect after making such a big public spectacle? I mean, I haven’t seen so much commotion over somebody running since Usain Bolt crossed the finish line at the Olympics.

Pam: Somebody called the police about a domestic disturbance.
Emily: Where!?
Pam: Here.

*lol* You know what though, Emily needs to share the DUMB BITCH AWARD with Hanna this episode, because running away from home is a damn stupid thing to do when you know your family is being monitored by social services. We joke that Emily has shitty parents, but you gotta admit Emily is a pretty shitty daughter herself. Thanks for disgracing mom and dad! They’d be sooooo proud of you now!

I’m tempted to give Toby the dumb bitch award as well, but that means I’ll have to pay attention to his dead mama storyline, so I won’t do it. ONLY EIGHT MORE EPISODES OF TOBY ANGST LEFT, EVERYONE. *joins a support group* WE CAN PULL THROUGH THIS AGONY TOGETHER!!!

P.S. The best part about Toby’s storyline is when he told Spencer not to accompany him in this episode, thus freeing her character from these garbage scenes. Thank the lord for that.

Actually, I do wanna talk about Toby’s conversation with Dr. Palmer, who is still the most legitimate doctor on the show despite suffering from dementia. Dr. Palmer used to be a doctor at Radley and Mama Cavanaugh was one of his patients, but just like the asylum in American Horror Story, the ~*dark side*~ eventually consumed him. Toby contacts him in order to get dem dead mama clues, but Dr. Palmer is basically a useless lump who’s only good for saying lulzy lines THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE AIR AROUND YOU!!!

Dr. Palmer: That blonde girl…there’s something wrong with the air around that one. Very troubling.

Alison is so evil that she even manages to corrupt the ~*air*~ around her lmao.

BTW, what is it about Toby that attracts so many crazy people in his life? You’d think he has his hands full with a crazy mama and a crazy girlfriend that he won’t have time to chase after any more nutters. However, this guy can’t get enough of dem nuts and meeting Dr. Palmer adds another notch in his tally.

BTW2: I love Dr. Palmer’s farewell message to Toby.

Toby: Goodbye, Dr. Palmer…
Dr. Palmer: Come back and bring your mother next time. I’d love to see her again~~~

And with that one line, you could practically hear all of Toby’s emotional wounds being ripped open again. *lmao* What makes it more awesome is that Dr. Palmer was probably of fluid mental mind when he rubbed some salt onto the injury. That sly old devil just wanted to make Toby cry. :P

BTW3: FFS TOBY, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TAKING CLUES FROM CERTIFIED CRAZY PANTS!? JUST HOW LOW WILL THIS DEAD MAMA INVESTIGATION GO???

ARIA! ARIA! IT’S MEEEEE! I’M BACK!!!

*turns around and sees Malcolm*

OHHHH NOOOOOO!!! THE HELLBEAST RETURNS!!! QUICK, SOMEBODY SPRAY IT WITH HOLY WATER!!!! This episode, Ezra’s devil child makes an unwelcomed return to the show. And amazingly enough, he’s still played by the same child actor as last season. I guess Malcolm is one of those Pokemon with only a two-stage evolution line?

Basically, Malcolm comes running up to Aria and cockblocks this bitch during her date with Jake. *awkwardsies* Had she seen Malcolm on the street beforehand, you know Aria would have immediately turned around and walked in the other direction instead. Unfortunately Malcolm saw her first, and just like a bad rash, it won’t go away that easily.

If there’s any consolation, neither Maggie nor Ezra makes a cameo appearance alongside Malcolm, so I guess seeing just one out of the three bad omens is not too painful.

Aria: Are you here alone?
Malcolm: Mom and Ezra are inside, we’re buying books!
Jake: Books???

For a second there, I was genuinely afraid that Jake would turn to Aria and ask her: “What are books?” After the whole black-and-white movie fiasco, we all know this guy isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

Malcolm: Aria, why don’t you come over and play with me & Ezra anymore? ^_^

Malcolm decides to kick the #awkwardsies up a hundred notches, while Aria hems and haws in her response. In the end, I think she said something along the lines of “I ain’t got time for Ezra’s baggage no more~” Before she and Jake leave to hide inside a safehouse, Aria gives Malcolm a business card along with her cell number, because she clearly doesn’t discriminate future romantic prospects based on their age. *winkywink* Call me maybe, Malcolm?

Jake: Who’s Ezra?
Aria: Oh, just my high school teacher whom I fiddle with occasionally.

Over the commercial break, Aria retells her entire ~*epic love saga*~ to Jake, including the fact that she used to be Malcolm’s unpaid babysitter. After she was finished blathering, you can see Jake deciding in his head whether Aria is attractive enough to keep dating in spite of all her crazy ridiculous baggage. On one hand: *this bitch is high-stake drama, common sense says abort relationship*. On the other hand: *she seems like a loose harlot, male intuition says she’ll put out easily*

Aria: When I tell the whole story like that, it kind of sounds like a movie. Happy parts are in colour. Sad parts are in black and white.

This is how Aria Montgomery sees herself: I am the heroine in the greatest love story ever told~ There needs to be a dramatic soundtrack dedicated to my life~ Flower petals need to trickle down as I fall in love~ Violin strings need to be played when my heart breaks~ The tides and ebbs of my legacy need to be passed down among generations, forever and for eternity~

Jake: I dunno, Aria. You seem like a lot of drama for an easy lay. Do you still have feelings for your statutory rapist? Is it really over?
Aria: *thinking* OMG. The atmosphere right now seems perfect for a kiss! Should I go for it? Okay, I’m gonna go for it!

LMAO DIS BITCH IS TOO MUCH. Jake was actually trying to have a serious conversation with her about her ex-boyfriend, but she doesn’t know how to reply back so she shuts him up with ~*her lips*~. Oh my god, Aria! This isn’t funny anymore! You can’t just kiss someone and expect your issues to magically disappear!

“Put a lid on it and kiss me!!!” <-- Aria's default solution to all of her problems.

Hilariously enough, even Jake was like *wtfslut* as he pushes Aria away! He was like “Erm, kissing sloppy seconds after a high school predator did isn’t huge turn-on for most guys. Thanks but no thanks.”

Jake: Do you really wanna be with someone who’d kiss you after you tell a story like that?

lolololol @ Jake assuming that Aria has any standards whatsoever. She’d kiss you, she’d kiss Ezra, she’d kiss a frog, she’d kiss a rock, she’d kiss anybody and anything that happens to be right in front of her!

Aria: I have to do something! I can’t just stay in this place!

Holy baloney, Aria! You don’t need to fill every awkward silence in a conversation with your kisses! Here are some of the virtues that you need to learn: Patience. Restraint. Self-control. Next time before you go in and kiss someone, just think to yourself: “NO SLUT NO!”

Elsewhere, Spencer is breaking the bad news to her family that she didn’t get accepted into UPenn. :( You know what? The more I think about it, the angrier I feel about this outrageous injustice. I mean, I don’t know if I wanna live in a world where the likes of CECE DRAKE and STEVEN FROM ADMISSIONS can get into UPenn, yet Spencer Hastings is somehow placed in the reject pile instead. Seriously, what the fuck!? Let’s get real, Spencer at her lowest point, tied up in a straightjacket at Radley and mumbling incoherently to herself, is STILL a more *deserving* candidate than you or me.

Readers of Recap Everything, I suggest we start a ~*petition*~ in order to right the wrong that was committed against Spencer Hastings. Operation #GetSpencerIntoUPenn starts right here, right now!

Here is how Spencer’s family reacted to her breaking announcement:

Veronica’s Reaction: *seriously considers writing Spencer out of will and erasing her from the family tree*

Melissa’s Reaction: Oh Spencer. *smirks* Teehee. *coy smile* I am SO SORRY for your misfortune. *bats eyelashes* Let ME, who got early admission into UPenn and proceeded to graduate with distinctive honours at the top of her class, help YOU in any way possible. Just remember we still love you, Spencer, even if you have humiliated yourself and disgraced our family forever. *goes off to make a million more bitchfaces*

Spencer and Aria devise a plan to expose Melissa as the shady bitch that she is. It involves them threatening her with a mask, as they *spy* on her in discrete. And by “spying”, I meant they stood behind different window & door openings, while hoping Melissa never turns around and notice there are two girls recording her every move with a camera phone.

Well, you know…this is the pretty little liars we are talking about here, they don’t really do covert or subtle. -_-”

Spencer was also hilarious as she gives colourful voiceover commentary at Melissa’s every move.

REALITY: Melissa sees her suitcase in the living room.

SPENCER’S COMMENTARY: It is a tranquil Thursday evening with clear skies and a gentle breeze. Inside the Hastings household, we see our protagonist Melissa Hastings, a 26-year-old single white female, who just finished drowning her sorrows after a fourth glass of wine. Melissa is slowly sauntering towards the living room. She stops in front of the leather sofa that her family just imported from Italy. Hold on! What’s this in front of the couch, Melissa asks herself. Oh my days, it is Melissa’s suitcase containing her deepest and darkest secrets! The suitcase was not supposed to be here, but a mysterious entity moved it into the living room earlier this afternoon. The plot thickens. What will Melissa do next?

Melissa was totes spooked by the mask because *lol guilty conscience*. She went straight to Hector Maskmaker’s store, raided his storage cabinet, took every available mask that she can find, and then she started SMASHING DEM MASKS with an irrepressible fury. *clash* SMASH DEM MASKS! *clang* SMASH DEM MASKS! *cling* SMASH DEM MASKS!

Seriously, it was pretty lulzy to watch. Dis raving bitch gone to the pier in the middle of the night to smash dis mask, and smash dat mask, and smash all dem masks~

Meanwhile, Aria and her pants (which may have taken a separate life of its own?) go investigating in Hector Maskmaker’s store for *MOAR CLUES*.

Hector: Hey, I’m closed for business right now!
Aria: Well, you probably should have locked your doors then.

LOL @ Aria for telling off the storeowner even though she was the one who trespassed on his property.

Hector recalls a past memory where Alison is acting like a ~*hot mess*~. She comes running into his store, threatens to take all his earthly possessions and liquidated moneys, and then goes running out the store again. There was a desperate urgency to Alison’s behaviour, like she was being *chased* or *hunted* or something. WHO’S COMING AFTER YOU, ALISON??? &&& WHERECHU HEADING OFF TO, BOO???

Back to Melissa, who’s still SMASHING DEM MASKS, until Spencer confronts her shady ass.

1.) Melissa came to the store to find out ~WHEN~ Alison’s mask was made, because she believes ALISON LIVES ZOMG!!! At this point, Alison being alive is considered *canon* by everyone and their mothers, no? Is there anyone who still believes Alison is actually dead anymore?

2.) Melissa won’t admit she was the one who strangled Spencer on the Halloween train (lol bitch totally did it out of spite). Since Detective Wilden is now dead, Melissa uses him as a scapegoat and claims he’s a big baddie accountable for every misdeed on the show. OMG HE BURNED DOWN THE LODGE &&& HE TRIED TO KILL YOU ON THE TRAIN! Yeah…nice try passing the buck, bitch. “Melissa Hastings must be so innocent and completely blameless!” <-- said by nobody ever.

At one point, Melissa goes loony bin and starts *exploding* at Spencer for not understanding her oh-so-good & entirely wholesome intentions. She even claims that everything she does is to *protect* Spencer, which…lolkay.

Spencer: Melissa…did you kill Detective Wilden?
Melissa: Let it go, Spencer! You have to let it go, or it will come apart in ways that you can’t even imagine!

In other words, what Melissa is trying to say: “LET IT GO B4 THE LOGIC BEHIND THIS SHOW COMES APART LIKE JENGA~~~”

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19 Responses

  1. Default avatar DarkAngel September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Spencer’s commentary about Melissa was awesome. If she doesn’t get into to college she should look into doing animal show documentaries.

    Toby’s an idiot, what does Spencer see in him? He hasn’t even taken his shirt off in while. Poor Spencer everyone is trying to protect her by killing her. But I suppose if you’re dead no one can hurt you anymore.

    The Rosewood “Police” can’t solve murders they are too busy going after a teenager and her family yelling at each other. Did you see how many cop cars were there for that? lol

    With Hanna “helping” her, Ashley should just lock herself in jail and throw away the key.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

      Spencer should do commentary at the zoo, yes please. Emily will be a track and field athlete, while Aria’s job will be working at a year-long kissing booth. I am not sure what Hanna’s future calling is, but I hope it doesn’t require any mental stimulus.

      I was surprised the writers didn’t find some ridiculous way to incorporate some Toby shirtlessness, i.e. Toby using his shirt to wipe the tears away as he’s crying over his dead mama, but I guess the shirtless drought is because writers are insistent on ensuring there are ZERO redeeming qualities about this storyline of his.

      lmao yes. Emily having a tiff with her parents is considered a WORLD CRISIS in this town. I am surprised they didn’t call the SWAT team, a hostage negotiation specialist, and a helicopter to bring Runaway Teen Emily to safety.

      At this rate, Hanna will probably land in prison herself out of her own sheer stupidity. At least she could be roomies with her mommy in the same prison cell lolz.

  2. Default avatar DM September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Jake: Are you hurt or are you injured?

    Aria: I’m sorry I never actually paid any attention in English class so I can’t understand the philosophy of what you’re saying… But let me show you how I DID pass…

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 4th, 2013 / Wednesday

      lolololol~ Now that Aria has become such a kissing bandit, she’s giving us so much material to work with. Aria jokes will never get old. ^_^

  3. Default avatar Anonymous September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    This recap streak is amazing! How long can it go? All 12 episodes in 12 days?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

      Nope, that’s all the new recaps for this year. We will resume the rest of the Season 4 PLL recaps in 2014. See you then!

  4. Default avatar Alex September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Season 1- A hits Hanna with a car
    Season 2- A tries to stab Emily in the head with a gardening rake
    Season 3- A digs up a decaying corpse
    Season 4- A…calls Social Services?

    Hmm.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

      Season 5 – A steals Aria’s homework. She gets into trouble and have to stay in detention after school. ANOTHER A VICTORY.
      Season 6 – A shakes the soda can before Spencer opens the fizzy drink. ANOTHER A VICTORY.

  5. Default avatar Anonymous September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    I’ m totally team Caleb too !! And I will shameless watch his show until it gets canceled. I hate what they did to Toby’ s character…. remember first season Toby? Mysterious and sweet . Now he just whines and whines… I guess that’s what happens when Spencer takes your balls. Loving all the recaps…it is like Christmas !!!”

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

      I actually didn’t really like Caleb when he was first introduced, but he slowly won me over with each season. I mean, his uncledad bs was annoying last season, but at least it hasn’t turned TRAGIC like Toby’s dead mama storyline.

      Toby, on the other hand, I immediately loved since the first season…but he’s like a shell of his former shell now. D: He seriously needs to get his balls back from Spencer’s jar.

  6. Default avatar Hoc September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    LOL who is the most incompetent doctor in rosewood? this is a tough one, i still can’t decide, they are all terrible

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

      I love how the deranged Dr. Palmer got the least votes in the poll. *lol* I would vote for Dr. Douche Vargas, but I am biased just because I hate his douche ass.

  7. Default avatar Anonymous September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

    i’ve missed ur pll recaps :) u should start recapping twisted, too. I actually like that show and i want to hear what u have to say about jo. she annoys the hell out of me, worse than aria.

  8. Default avatar Angela September 6th, 2013 / Friday

    I think you should go back one day and finish the Season 1 recaps, that’d be awesome!

  9. Default avatar Jason September 7th, 2013 / Saturday

    I love all your recaps! Are you going to continue Teen Wolf and Pretty Little Liars?

  10. Default avatar Anonymous March 1st, 2014 / Saturday

    Toby is fine but spencer is going through a lot I prefer Toby. By the way spencer didn’t take his balls she took yours maybe

  11. Default avatar Anonymous March 1st, 2014 / Saturday

    Toby is fine but spencer is going through a lot I prefer Toby.

  12. Default avatar Anonymous March 1st, 2014 / Saturday

    Don’t Judge spencer how would you feel. She didn’t take Toby’s balls, you guys just don’t get it

  13. Default avatar Ali April 4th, 2016 / Monday

    I’m binge watching this show for the first time on Netflix and I loved the first couple of seasons, but I’m literally only watching it now for your recaps. The only thing funnier than your recaps are the fans who take your mockery of fictional characters personally. Ha ha ha, good lord everyone on this show is too stupid to live.

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