Season 4 Episode 2, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Turn of the Shoe

Emily dies in a swimming pool; Aria kisses her hot slice of ass karate teacher; Toby cries over his dead mommy.

This episode begins with Spencer “recreating the geography around the lodge to see if it’s even possible that the person who jumped out of the plane could rescue you from the burning building”…with FRENCH FRIES. Damn right, put away your maps, ain’t nobody got time for that obsolete fool’s tool! Spencer Hastings: Food Architect is gonna solve the identity of Red Coat, along with the murder of Alison DiLaurentis, with just a side dish of fries, carrots, and lima beans!

…or in other words, Spencer is acting like a bored five-year-old child who enjoys playing with her food. *lol*

Spencer: Put down the Mozzarella stick!
Hanna: It’s mine!
Spencer: No, it’s not! It’s a plane!

And that splotch of ketchup on the table is Detective Wilden’s blood. And over there, see that slice of tomato, total identical ringer for Red Coat. And that teacup in front of Emily, oh my god, we’ve just discovered the new location of A’s lair!

Ooh, this is fun~ Now I understand why Spencer does it! :D

This season, Mona has been prancing around the show acting like “Hey guise, look at me, I’m totes one of the pretty little liars now! Guess you’ll have to reshoot the opening credits and edit me in~ ;D” but the other four bitches were like MEMBERSHIP DENIED because they still don’t trust her one iota.

In order to gain their trust and prove that she’s no longer an evil demented psychopath, Mona offers to take the pretty little liars to the A-mobile…only to discover that the secret lair is gone, gone, gone! What the girls don’t know is that Toby stole the van last episode because A promised to bring his dead mommy back to life or something. Basically, Toby handed over all of the incriminating evidence against the pretty little liars because Toby is a big dumbass, that pretty much sums it up.

OMG! All of a sudden, Mona is attacked by some masked assailant inside her car! Some mofo popped up behind Mona and started strangling the life out of her! Unfortunately, Spencer was not here to witness this glorious scene. Otherwise, I bet she would have jumped in and offered an extra pair of hands to choke that evil bitch. :D

Mona had a lucky escape and somehow managed to survive her near-death experience from the Scranton Strangler. Phew, that was a close call…BUT OHHHH SHIT, HERE COMES ROUND TWO!!! Before Mona even had the chance to find her footing, A was already behind the steering wheel and getting ready to run over some assholes, vroom vroom!

I admire how A doesn’t give up after failing the first murder attempt. If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again until Mona Vanderwaal finally ends up dead. That’s the spirit! ^_^

Mona must have a lucky horseshoe up her ass, because A has come after her twice in one night, yet she escaped alive and relatively unscathed.

On the other hand, Emily… I don’t think she’s doing too good, bro! The poor girl hurt her shoulder when she fell and landed quite painfully on a sharp piece of rock. (THAT ROCK IS ONE OF A’S ACCOMPLICES!!!) Emily’s :OOO face is a pretty astute indicator of how much pain she must be feeling.

Her shoulder injury comes at an especially bad time since she has a Very Important Swim Meet in her upcoming schedule. Unable to cope with the pain in her shoulder, Emily does what any athlete would do in these circumstances: turn to performance-enhancing drugs as a miracle cure, duh! :D

Emily: Eenie meenie miney moe, which bottle from the medicine cabinet should I take and swallow? Oh what the hell, I’ll take ALL OF ‘EM.

I thought Emily was just gonna take one teensy little painkiller, but nooooo this DERANGED PILL-POPPING MANIAC poured out the contents of the *entire* bottle into her hand! Holy shit, Emily! I know your shoulder is hurting like a bad motherfucker, but that doesn’t mean you have to consume thirty painkillers at once! Let’s put it this way, she had enough pills to sustain the economy of a small underground drug ring!!!

The Very Important Swim Meet will determine whether Emily gets accepted into the magical paradise that is Stanford University, so no pressure or anything, as long as she doesn’t *SCREW UP* her one and only chance at happiness with her beloved girlfriend. It doesn’t help that Paige is being a total spaz who goes on about Stanford this or Stanford that, as if the whole goddamn world revolves around this shitty university. “Oh, look up at the sky! Is it heaven? Nope, that’s just Stanford University!” <-- what Paige sounds like. Emily: Slow down, I haven’t even heard from the Stanford coach.
Paige: They’re going to want you! Maybe not as much as I do, but that’s a good thing. ;)

LOLCRINGE. Paige, if you continue to say awful lines like that, we must revoke your university scholarship so that you’ll shut up about it.

BTW, here’s a screenshot of Paige playing The Sims as she recreates her dorm room/love den at Stanford. Looking at the end results, let’s hope that Emily will be the one who does the interior design if they end up living together, because that magenta wallpaper…yikes!

Paige: What would you change about the room?
Emily: Well, I’d push the beds a little closer together…

Emily, you naughty girl! Hehe~ ;D

Before the swim meet, Emily consumes a couple dozen more painkillers for good luck, but it’s obvious that she still feels nervous and uncomfortable especially with that ginormous purple bruise on her shoulder. To make matters worse, she has to put up with that godawful bully Shana, who’s determined to steal the Stanford VIP membership card away from Emily.

Last time we saw Shana, she was all like *flirty gaze* and *sexual innuendos* and *lemme introduce you to my very good friend Missy Franklin*, but she must have a faulty personality transplant in between the seasons because she’s suddenly hating on Emily’s ass. What gives!?

Can we take a moment and discuss the fact that Shana is a HUMUNGOUS FUCKING ASSHOLE? Who does this rotten bitch think she is, talking smack to Emily and trying to psych her out before the swim meet!? Shut your whore mouth, go grab a chair and take a motherfucking seat! I was pretty indifferent towards Shana up until this scene, but now I want her character to DROWN in a swimming pool until the water turns into fifty shades of crimson red. DEATH TO SHANA!!!

Unfortunately for Emily, she kinda *dies* during the Very Important Swim Meet. That ~*drug junkie*~ was in no condition to compete. She started having double vision and seeing strange hallucinations until BAM!!!! Emily hits her head against the edge of the pool and then BLOOD STARTS SPILLING EVERYWHERE OMGGGGGG.

Emily is taken to the emergency room where she’s treated for: a.) her head injury, b.) her shoulder bruise & c.) her permanent liver damage, because goddamn that bitch must have taken at least hundreds of painkillers! Get that stomach pumped, girl!

When Emily regains consciousness, she was all like “oopsies i’m such a klutz~” *bleeding internally* “plz put me back into the pool, i need 2 finish da race~” *chokes up blood* “dis swim meet is vry srs bsn! ITZ LIFE OR DEATH!” *meanwhile, a vital organ inside Emily fails*

Poor Emily, but I don’t think Stanford will be very impressed with her time even if her lifeless body is thrown back into the pool. *checks wristwatch* Fifteen minutes to finish a single lap!? Tsk tsk.

Emily BLEW IT. We can sugar-coat the situation all we want, but basically this girl torpedoed all chances of getting that prestigious scholarship and her life is pretty much in ruins forever. Sorry for ya, but that’s the harsh reality check. Sadly, this would have never happened if Emily had just pushed Mona and/or Aria onto the oncoming traffic instead of trying to save them. That’s what you get for playing the hero!

For now, Paige is still in denial mode and thinks kissing her soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend will make everything better. SPOILER ALERT: Their relationship goes downhill from this point onwards, ohohoho! Emily can also kiss her university prospects goodbye because bitch ain’t getting into Stanford no more!

Guess who else botched their university prospects and ruined their life forever!? Poor Spencer received her DO NOT WANT rejection letter from U. Penn today, even though that had been her #1 dream school since birth, so she’s obviously devastated and ~*ALL HER DREAMS ARE DEAD*~.

Not gonna lie, I still think Cece tampered with Spencer’s university application last season. She probably urinated on the papers or something, I just don’t believe that shady bitch has good intentions. Plus, are we supposed to believe that her invisible friend “Steven from Admissions” is an actual real person? I’m not buying it, sorry!

Spencer is too embarrassed to tell her friends that she’s as big of a dumbass as the rest of them. Strangely enough, she does confide in MR. FITZ of all people and pours her heart out to him. Of course, all Ezra sees is a vulnerable teenage girl that he can emotionally manipulate, so he offers to help Spencer work on her application essay ~*over the weekend*~.

Aha, the weasel shows its tail! Seeing your students outside of school hours on an intimate weekend date? *raises an eyebrow* Mmhmm, I see where this is going. Spencer, why don’t you come over to my apartment this Saturday and I’ll show you other universities on my campus~ ;D

Ezra: Look, Spencer, if you throw this out there, your many attractive qualities might be overshadowed.

Her many ATTRACTIVE qualities, eh? ;O Mr. Fitz, are you talking about Spencer’s application essay or are you referring to the other forbidden parts of her scrumptious teenage body? Her legs, maybe? ;O

P.S. I’m sorry folks, but Spenzra is gonna be the new Ezria. DEAL WITH IT.

The reason why Spencer got rejected from U. Penn is because she’s too much of a crazy loony nutjob. *lol* But let’s take a look at her university application and judge for ourselves:

Name: Spencer Cavanaugh, née Hastings
Age: 17 forever
Grades: Perfect A’s except for the one time I got a B in my physics homework
Education: Rosewood High with an extra semester at Radley Sanatorium
References: See Eddie Lamb for glowing recommendation
Achievements: Participated in academic decathlon with 1st place victory in choking evil bitches
Extracurricular Activities: Murder investigation
Attractive Qualities: Obsessive paranoia

Ezra was kinda hilarious saying thinly veiled lines like “universities are concerned about emotional stability” and “nobody is asking for full disclosure” to call Spencer a crazy bitch without saying those exact words. And then Spencer proves that she’s not a *crazy bitch* by unleashing this *definitely-not-a-crazy-bitch* angry tirade:

Spencer: Why can’t I just take a risk and be real? And I don’t know…have a little faith that somebody who reads this will actually be impressed that I left Radley!? That I’m still not there making crafts out of uncooked macaroni!

…says the girl who picked up a Mozzarella stick and called it an airplane at the beginning of the episode. We should have guessed that she picked up this dining habit of hers at Radley, why of course. -_-”

Clearly, Spencer was on the brink of an unholy emotional meltdown, but it looks like her boyfriend might have beaten her to the punch. Here’s Toby, suddenly getting all EMOSH and ANGSTY because he has mommy issues, wah wah wah!

I’m sorry for sounding like a heartless bitch, but I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK. ABOUT. HIS. DEAD. MOTHER. There, I said what we were all thinking. Sadly, Mama Cavauagh’s death is somehow a twelve-episode ongoing story arc so we still have long ways to go with this annoying bullshit. I’m not gonna bother recapping the details until this storyline becomes interesting, which may possibly be never.

BTW how many onions did Keegan Allen have to peel in order to squeeze those crocodile tears out of his eyes?

Hanna: Hey Toby, your mom only killed herself. MY mom killed a police detective in cold blood, so my mummy issues beat your mummy issues. Nyah nyah~

At first, Hanna thought A was trying to frame her mother for Detective Wilden’s murder, but then she realized “oh shit my mom has committed so many crimes already, she’s practically the grand theft auto final boss x_x”

And then Hanna discovers various damning evidence against her mother, including: her missing cell phone found inside Wilden’s casket (aka. Evidence A), a pair of her high heels covered in mud (aka. Evidence B), and…a toothbrush? (aka. her shoes might be dirty, but at least her teeth are clean.)

And then there’s this exchange:

Ashley: Hi sweetie, how’s your book report? Do you need any help? :)
Hanna: Hey mom, about dem shoes…
Ashley: WHAAAAAAAT. THHHHHHHE. FUUUUUUUCK. WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT MY CLOTHES WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO WEAR AN OUTFIT THAT DOESN’T HUMILIATE THE FAMILY!? WHAT I DO WITH MY GODDAMN SHOES IS MY GODDAMN BUSINESS!!! NOW GTFO!!!
Hanna: o_o

It was kinda amazing to watch Mama Marin morph into an unholy ~*menopausal monster*~ right before our eyes omglol.

Finally, Hanna confronts her mom about her worst suspicions: “Blink once if you are innocent, blink twice if you are murderoo, and blink thrice if you are unsure.” And then Ashley was all like *omg i did not kill wilden* and Hanna was like O RLY? and her mom was like YA RLY but I don’t think Hanna rly believed her despite her mother’s reassurances. :\

Sidebar: Did somebody forget to pay the electricity bills? Why don’t they turn on the damn lights in the house? Holy crap, it’s like ~*pitch black*~ inside their home and the two of them are speaking to each other in total darkness. Hey ladies, the light switch is nearby! Turn it on!

I think this murder allegation storyline is 100% pure soap opera territory. The plot is like something that came straight out of an afternoon soap. And Mama Marin reminds me of those classic pantomime villains who pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes after a nasty stunt. It doesn’t help that Pretty Little Liars is being especially heavy-handed in its production values either. Just take a look at this bitch, holding her wine, and staring out the window solemnly. Can she look any more sinister???

Ashley: Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just sippin’ my wine, plottin’ your demise, and thinkin’ of ways to dispose your body in the back of a car~~~

OMG @ the close-up of this bitch, sipping her wine, looking like the badass muthafucka that she is. *lmao* I can’t keep a straight face every time I see her side profile, I just burst out giggling. *sip sip sip* PLL can be so deliciously campy sometimes~ hehe~

Now that Ezra has moved onto younger jailbait, Aria is in search of a NEW MAN in her life! This is a highly critical mission considering Aria has been a single woman (GASP!) for over one episode (GASP!) which is practically considered ~*spinsterhood*~ in the PLL world. We need to find her a love interest before her vajay dries up and she becomes, y’know, a strong and independent character whose characterisation isn’t defined solely by her romances. *shudders* GOD FORBID.

Enter Jake! This hunky karate teacher is introduced when Aria decides that she wants to learn ~DA MARTIAL ARTZ~. Unfortunately, this plot would have been the perfect opportunity for Holden to make one of his random cameo appearances, but I guess his sorry irrelevant ass will never return to Pretty Little Liars ever again.

Aria: Excuse me, does Holden Strauss teach here?
Jake: Who?
Aria: You know, the guy who has that HEART CONDITION ZOMG.
Jake: Who? Sorry, I do not recall this person ever being in existence.

BTW *lmfao* @ Holden claiming that he “teaches” here. He fucking wishes his minor ass character was significant enough to be a martial arts teacher!

Aria, meet Jake your new love interest. Jake, meet Aria your new sack of baggage. Great, now that the introductions are done, the first words immediately out of Aria’s mouth are: ”DO YOU TEACH *PRIVATE* LESSONS??? ;D”

OMG! Aria is so effing direct~~~ You could’ve at least asked for his zodiac sign first before you ask him to spread ’em out for you! She must be really desperate to get her hands around Jake’s black belt, huh?

Not that I blame Aria for wanting to sink her teeth into this fine piece of man flesh. This Jake guy is sizzling hot, and let’s just say I won’t mind sniffing his armpits as he puts me into a headlock.

On paper, Jake seems like the perfect candidate to be Aria’s rebound. His character checks all the boxes.

1.) He’s older than her. I don’t know how old Jake’s character is supposed to be, probably younger than Ezra thank god, but Aria is never one to settle down with somebody her own age – that’s just too normal and appropriate!

2.) There’s a teacher-student dynamic between them. WHY OF COURSE.

3.) He’s hawt. I’m not saying Aria is shallow, but this is the same girl who developed an instant attraction to Jason when she saw him shirtless on the basketball court. I think Aria’s heart is easily swayed by a good looking pair of biceps.

Did I mention how hot Jake is? Sorry, I must be repeating myself, but I feel like this point can’t be reiterated enough. I totally Google Imaged his shirtless modelling pictures after watching this episode…and I’m sure I am not the only PLL viewer who did this, so don’t judge me!

After analyzing one or two or three hundred pictures of Ryan Guzman online, I conclude that his most attractive quality is his ~*hipbones*~. Yeah, I know, it’s kind of a weird compliment to give somebody, but just envision him thrusting his perfectly sculpted hipbones into you. Repeatedly. *nods head* Yeah, mmhmmmm.

As I was watching this episode, I thought to myself: “Aria is definitely hooking up with Jake next episode.” As it turns out, my timeline was actually too optimistic (lol), because Aria was already making out with him literally twenty minutes after his character got introduced (lololol). Silly me for giving Aria the benefit of the doubt and assuming she had a modicum of self-restraint, because wow. She didn’t even wait one episode. Just wow.

Gurrrrrrl! Where do we even begin with Aria Montgomery!? DIS BITCH IS OUTTA CONTROL. Put a hot guy in front of her and she’ll go for it faster than the speed of light.

Aria: I’m sorry! I have no idea why I just did that!
Jake: No…it’s fine? I don’t think this is what you came here for?

Even Aria is like *wtfslut* at her own damn actions, hahaha. Don’t you think she’s just such a ridiculous human being completely lacking in self-control? Normal people don’t throw themselves at strangers after twenty minutes no matter how hot he is. It’s almost like she’s trying to break some personal record. “Hmm, how quickly can I go on a slut rampage and hook up with the nearest stranger in front of me? Let’s kiss him first and worry about the consequences later!” <--- Aria's thought process.

Oh Aria, never change! It’s okay, we still love you even though you’re a big whore unable to control her sexual urges. Besides, we get it. Jake is hot + Aria is horny = GET SUM OF DAT ASS GURL~~~

As Aria was driving home, she notices a construction worker who might be trying to send her a subliminal message.

She also notices Mona talking to a police officer, which INFURIATES Aria because there’re still so many men in this world that she hasn’t kissed yet! How will she find the time to kiss them all!?

Move over, Mona! There’s a new pretty little liar in town! Meet Tippi, Alison’s pet parrot, devoted protégé, and most likely the real mastermind behind The A Team. Having a bird as A actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. For instance, who could have pushed Ian off the bell tower and quickly disappear without a trace? I mean, all Tippi had to do was flap her wing once, watch Ian plummet to his death, and then she flew away from the scene of the crime~

Tippi: Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo!
Spencer: ZOMG IT’S A PHONE NUMBER WHICH IS SOMEHOW LINKED TO ALISON’S MURDER! :O :O :O

Yep, a goddamn bird chirping is actually a plausible lead in Alison’s murder investigation! Next time, you’ll hear a dog barking outside and somehow that’ll be deciphered as the name of Alison’s murderer. I mean, I suppose it’s a pretty *creative* way to deliver a clue, but only on Pretty Little Liars could a TV show get away with so much plot yet so little logic.

Speaking of Alison, we get to see another flashback of hers and it’s like the most bizarre one yet!? We discover one of her party tricks is that she can hold in her breath and completely deprive herself of oxygen. *lolwtf*

Alison: I REFUSE TO BREATHE AIR UNTIL YOU GIMME PERMISSION TO GO PARTYING WITH MY FRIENDS.
Jessica: ……*wut* -_-“

Only the most baddest badass would choose to pick a battle with fucking ~*AIR*~ of all things! I mean, I’ve heard of suicidal tendencies before, but this bitch is just taking the game to a whole different level.

Jessica: Do you hear me!? Don’t do this here! I will leave you at this table! I mean it! I’ll let you land FACE FIRST on the sidewalk!

What a lovely thing to say to your daughter, amirite? At least we know where Alison got her ~*mean streak*~ from.

Jessica: ALISON, BREATHE! I SAID BREATHE! BREATHE!!!

And then, Mama DiLaurentis literally threw a glass of water at Alison’s face just to get her to breathe. Holy lolololol. How can you top a scene where a deranged screaming woman throws water at her dying daughter’s face!? This is like new heights of epic ridiculousness even for Pretty Little Liars!

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16 Responses

  1. Default avatar rebekah September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    So glad you’re back!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      Thank you! :)

  2. Default avatar Theo September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS YOU’RE BACK
    I missed you, gurl/dude/idk~

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      HOLLA~ *pops open a champagne* I miss you all 2~~~

  3. Default avatar DarkAngel September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    The second ep already. Yay!

    Aria hooked up with a strange guy in a BATHROOM after finishing a hamburger. That girl has no self control. lolz. You know she went trolling for a hot piece of older man ass since she went to a college bar.

    With Shana being an asshole I stand behind the reason for that is Jenna keeps talking about how hot Emily is making her jealous so now she hates Emily for being the real one Jenna loves.

    Don’t get me started on Toby’s dead mama drama. This is worse then Caleb’s Uncledad, at least his Uncledad was alive!. We’re talking about a dead woman here, she will still be dead no matter what Toby finds out. He’s such a selfish prick and he’s bringing Spencer down.

    Mama D is awesome. No wonder Ali’s such a tough bitch. lol

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      lmao yes. We must remember that Aria has been a consistently ridiculous human being since the first episode of the show. She loves crusing for dem daddy types. Never change, Aria.

      I can’t wait until the day Jenna and Emily’s hatemance turns into a full-fledged romance. Shana can just GTFO forever tho.

      Not only is Toby’s dead mama drama ridiculously idiotic, the worst part is that it’s also mind-numbingly BORING. omg I still have to recap ten more episodes of “omg spencer…maybe…just maybe…my dead mama…didn’t kill herself!? *angstyface*” I’m gonna have to borrow Emily’s painkillers to get through those scenes. -.-

      Mama D is already a top tier PLL character for me. Her lines, her scenes, and her flashbacks with Alison all give me life~~~

  4. Default avatar Anon September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    Everything about those university storylines screams “PRETTY LITTLE LIARS IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE”, lol poor Spencer is fucked. Not that I expected anything else since the writers have enough trouble following their storylines.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      lol yes, that’s what I think will happen to the pretty little university rejects too. Either community college or they’ll stay in high school for another year. And lololol at Spencer working so hard in life, only to eventually end up in the same community college as *Hanna Marin*. ooh stings a little~

  5. Default avatar new ArrivAl September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    I’m still trying to get my head around vegan Aria ordering a cheeseburger in the scene where she first meets Ezra. And is that a BEER in front of her? She much still have her fake ID from the frat party gone wrong…

    I love Mrs. D. She actually makes the show interesting. If that is possible.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

      During the pilot, Aria must be HONGRY for some meat in more ways than one. ;O I wanna rewatch her first encounter with Ezra in the pilot and overanalyze the death out of it.

      If we can’t have Alison with us, then Mama D is the next best thing we got~~~

  6. Default avatar Jay September 2nd, 2013 / Monday

    Jake is 22! So he’s only 3 years younger than Ezra. :)

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

      Ooooh. I almost thought Jake was too ~*young*~ for Miss Aria, but guess not.

  7. Default avatar Celine September 14th, 2013 / Saturday

    cute …….. thank you! ! ! !

  8. Default avatar nikki September 15th, 2013 / Sunday

    aria kissed another guy in a way that looked like she is really moving on from ezra…you’re not like O_O ?!?!

  9. Default avatar Melody November 25th, 2013 / Monday

    I thought Toby looked really cute when he was upset, but re-watching some of the season 4 episodes made me realize that he kinda looks, and acts like a whinny baby.

  10. Default avatar Scar July 17th, 2014 / Thursday

    Hahaha true

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