In this recap, Ezra continues to be a perverted voyeuristic stalker, but you already know that; Spencer starts buying drugs; Emily and Shana try to deliver money to Alison.
Spencer buys dem drugs
Spencer: I was just kinda hoping you could spare them…
Brenda: Don’t haggle, Spencer. It’s tacky.
There’s no such thing as a free lunch, Spencer! You’ll just have to get your discounts from cutting out newspaper coupons like the rest of the junkies. On the bright side, I think there’s a great Groupon deal where the pretty little liars can buy these prescription pills together at bargain prices, so hurry before the offer expires!
Everything about Brenda’s character just fascinates me. Who is she!? Where did she come from!? What is her life story!? Does she give business seminars on how to run a successful underground black market economy!? I DEMAND TO KNOW MOAR ABOUT BRENDA.
Spencer: My dad is away on business and my prescription is in his briefcase…
Brenda: Okay, here you go! Come see me next week if you need more! Y’know, in case your dad forgets.
Look at dis bitch giving sass to Spencer lolololol~ I know she only appeared in one single scene so far, but it’s clear to me that Brenda is a QWEEN and her majesty must return to Pretty Little Liars on a permanent basis.
1.) Translation: Don’t you love how Officer Holbrook is no longer interested in books as soon as Hanna said that she stopped reading them? LOL SO TRANSPARENT.
2.) I have no idea why Officer Holbrook claims that he’s so busy with work when we constantly see him flirting with Hanna in bookstores, coffee shops & parking lots. He spends more time chasing skirt than chasing criminals. What real police work is this guy doing, please pray tell?
Aria: Wait, wait, wait? Detective Holbrook? You guys friends now? I didn’t even know he had a first name, and now you’re calling him Gabe? Is he into fashion or something?
LOL~ Even Aria is confused that Hanna and Gabe formed an intimate bond over *books* of all things. To be honest, the dialogue between them would be so much more believable if they were sharing fashion & make-up tips with each other instead. Just look at that pretty boy detective sauntering around town in his designer brands. I think Officer Holbrook’s police squad actually consists of a beautician, a hairdresser, and a personal shopper.
Spencer vs. Ezra
Spencer’s investigation was an okay effort, but she was clearly looking up the wrong keywords in the search engines, so that’s why she couldn’t find any relevant results online. What she should have typed in is *Ezra Fitz youth chatrooms* or *Ezra Fitz predator database* or *Ezra Fitz stranger danger* and I guarantee you that slimy motherfucker will be caught out!
The most hilarious part about this catfight is Officer Holbrook’s completely random and inexplicable appearance out of nowhere. It’s funny because PLL is just shoehorning him into scenes with Hanna regardless of context. Also, note how Officer Holbrook was strolling out of a restaurant, prolly after taking a three-hour lunch break. Remember when he said he was super busy with work? MY ASS.
Hanna: R U ON DRUGS???
Spencer: *awks* Wh-wha?
Hanna: You gotta be on crack if you think Ezra is A! I went through your computer. You should really use a password if you want to keep things private.
I love how Hanna chastises Spencer for her lack of discretion when she was the one who broke into her friend’s house, snooped through her computer history, and completely invaded her personal privacy. But I guess if you really wanna keep things private, the safest way is to dig a hole and bury it behind the fraternity house!
Oh, oh, oh! There it is! The weasel finally shows his tail! I see where this is going. It’s almost like a familiar routine for Mr. Fitz to invite yet another female student to his boudoir after school. That’s part of his debauchery, isn’t it? He gives bad grades to the sexually desirable students, offers them remedial lessons after school, and then god knows what happens inside that classroom.
Ezra: Y’know, Spencer… Sloppy work leads to consequences. *sinisterly* I’d hate to see you suffer.
OMFG. How many laws did Ezra just break with that last sentence? *CORRUPTION*. *INTIMIDATION*. *EXTORTION*. *SEXUAL SOLICITATION*. *STATUTORY RAPE*. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THIS MONSTER’S OFFENSES.
Ezria’s Cabin Sexcapades
Ezra: So, I have to go up to my cabin this weekend. Can you get away? Come with me? It has been a while since we were up there.
Aria: Well, I have to take care of Mike…
Ezra: Aria, I thought we were actually gonna be able to use this cabin?*suggestively* I’d like to spend some time alone with you.
OMFG. EWWW. I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR EZRA SEXUALLY PROPOSITION HIS STUDENT. I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW THEY’RE GONNA *USE* THIS CABIN WITH EACH OTHER. NOR DID I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR SPECIAL *ALONE TIME* TOGETHER. NOPE. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT. *sticks fingers into ear* LET ME LIVE IN BLISSFUL OBLIVION WITHOUT HEARING THE GRUESOME DETAILS OF EZRIA’S SEXCAPADES.
I don’t even understand why Aria felt like she had to *hide* her rekindled relationship from her friends & family when she pulled this exact same stunt dozens of times before. Oh my god, Aria. The whole world already knows that you can’t quit Ezra and you’ve gone back to him for the umpteenth time. Can we please move on and change the channel already???
Aria: Well, this guy and I, we’ve had a really long history…
Jesse: *thinking* Oh my god. Is this what being a high school guidance counsellor is gonna be like? I’ll have to sit here and listen to these teenage girls babble on about their banal boyfriend problems? I spent a decade earning my Master’s degrees in psychology and social work…and this is what my life has amounted to? Where did it all go wrong, Jesse? Is it too late for a career change?
Jesse: If you wanna get to the bottom of it, you gotta get them talking.
Ezra: *startled* Do they? Talk?
Jesse: Yeah, you’d be surprised how much students are willing to reveal about what’s going on in their lives. Especially when they feel like they have no one else to talk to.
Oh great. Now Jesse is gonna be the next target on Ezra’s hit list just because Aria couldn’t keep her big mouth shut. Watch out, Jesse! The more you prod about Aria’s mystery boyfriend, the shorter your life span will be!
Aria: GOODBYE EZRA! I’M LEAVING YOU UNLESS WE BECOME FACEBOOK OFFICIAL!
Ezra: Aria, we’re past the point in our relationship where we have to hide. But if what we have is gonna last, you’ll have to start taking me as the person you’re closest to. The person you wanna share everything with. And I have to do that with you… Or maybe this was a bad idea. Starting again and bringing you back here. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you…
Aria: OMG! U MADE ME SEE THE LIGHT! EZRIA 4ALWAYS~~~
Can you imagine if the store also sold cheetah-print furniture as well? Cheetah print rugs! Cheetah print curtains! Cheetah print bed sheets! In her ideal world, Aria would decorate her wardrobe and her house with cheetah prints from top to bottom. Actually, I think she should just dump Ezra and start a passionate love affair with a cheetah instead. And then she can fulfill her ultimate fantasy and have cheetah-print babies~.
DAT SHADY MOFO EZRA!!!!!
I mean, just take a look at that intense bloodthirsty expression on his face after he grabbed the chick peas from the kitchen cabinet. YIKES. It’s just a can of chick peas, Ezra! No need to give us the evil eye!
My imagination was just going wild at this point! I swear to god, I seriously expected to see a half-alive Alison bound to the basement walls with chains and locks. And then, we’d see Maggie’s dead corpse lying in a corner somewhere. For the grand finale, we’ll see Malcolm’s bloody severed head placed on the table like a glorious mantelpiece. OMFG!!! I know this sounds like a scene out of some gruesome horror movie, but I kinda thought Ezra’s basement was like his torture chamber. Who knows what sick disgusting shit he stores down there!?!?
I know some of you diehard Ezra fans still want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the simple truth is that he spends hours looking at voyeuristic pictures of teenage girls who are completely unaware that they’re being filmed. WUT. KIND. OF. SICK. MOTHER. FUCKER. DOES. THAT.
BTW, every time Ezra and Aria have sex, you just know that he’s recording everything with his fancy surveillance equipment. Aria probably doesn’t even know there’re hours and hours of her sex tape footage stashed away in her boyfriend’s private film collection. Worst of all, he’s probably streaming this footage online to thousands of perverts on jailbait.org~
BTW, did you notice how the spycam is placed on the ground and it’s pointing in an upwards direction? IT’S A FANNY CAM Y’ALL. Ezra definitely positioned the hidden camera in a way where he can film up girls’ miniskirts and spy on their fannies. I hope all the women in his apartment remember to wear underwear as they walk past his door!
Shana, please kindly fuck off
Emily: I saw you talking on the phone with her last night!
Shana: I dunno what you’re talking about?
When Shana was first introduced, I thought she was a mysterious and enigmatic character with a lot of secrets. Now, I just think she’s a deliberate troll. She isn’t being secretive here, she’s just being a bitch on purpose. Like, the cat’s out of the bag, everyone already knows that Alison is alive, so there’s no need for Shana to play these ~*mind games*~ with Emily other than the fact that she’s doing it for the trololololz.
Shana: If she wanted to give you an update, she’d reach out for you. Oh wait. She did and you screwed it up!
Emily: Can we not do snide, Shana?
Is there a reason why Shana is still acting so antagonistic towards the pretty little liars? Like, her bitchy behaviour was understandable back when she was Jenna’s lapdog. But now that we know she’s on the same side as Alison, there’s really no reason for Shana to be so hostile towards the pretty little liars. Is Shana jealous of them? Does she resent these girls because they’re the main characters and she’s just a beta basic bitch with no real purpose on this show? SHANA, STOP BEING SO AGGRO AND FREE UP YOUR ANGER GURRRRRL.
Shana: How!? Start a Friends of Ali club? Make collages? And write fanfiction?
Um, all of these sound like FABULOUS ideas and should be implemented immediately. If only the pretty little liars channelled their energy into making artistic collages and heartfelt fanfiction instead of going on wild goose chase investigations, the world would be a much better place~
Shana: I’ll see what I can do.
OMFG. WHY IS SHANA BEING SUCH A DIFFICULT BITCH!?!? It was such a simple request. Emily only wanted to tell her friend that she was sowwy. Just pass the message along and stop being such a cow, Shana!!! ARRRRGH!!!!
Shana: *shrugs* I saw a button and I pushed.
Shana reveals that she flirted with Paige in order to observe how Emily would react under duress. It was like a test of her loyalty or whatever. OMFG SHANA, Y U PLAY SO MANY MIND GAMES??? The thing with Shana is that she’s always saying these *unnecessary* bitchy comments and doing these *unnecessary* bitchy things just because SHE ALWAYS BE TROLLIN’.
Leave it to Alison to have a hidden stash of money worth thousands of dollars inside her bedroom. This girl is SO STRAIGHT-UP MAFIA. It’s beyond obvious that she’s involved in some shady dealings back in her day. I almost expected to find fake passports and forged cheques and machine guns hidden alongside that money!
Am I the only one who expected A to steal that bag of money? C’mon, Emily was practically asking for it with that hiding spot. I was genuinely surprised that it didn’t happen though. I thought for sure A would help himself to the extra cash that Emily left lying around for anyone to take. Welcome customers, please go ahead and help yourself to some croissants, coffee, and a couple thousands of dollars!
Does anyone else think Jenna wrote this message? This kind of underhanded passive aggressive threat seems like a very Jenna Marshall thing to do, doesn’t it? Yeah, serves Shana right, that’s what the bitch gets for being a two-faced treacherous traitor working undercover for the enemy. Nobody gets away with double crossing Queen Jenna and lives to tell the tale! NOW GTFO SHANA AND DON’T COME BACK. OR NEXT TIME THE MESSAGE WILL BE WRITTEN IN YOUR BLOOOOOOOD.
Unfortunately, this puts Hobo Alison in a predicament because she needed the cash to continue her life on the run and now she’s kinda screwed. How else can she come up with the money? Steal? Rob a bank? Do some prostitution on the side? I can definitely imagine Alison being a prozzie. You see that telephone booth she’s inside right now? Definitely a very hot spot for her future clientele.