In this PLL episode recap, Mona hooks up with Mike; Hanna visits the dentist from hell; Emily gets trapped inside a haunted school.
Apparently though, we live in a warped twilight zone where Hanna Marin reads books for fun and makes out with Aria’s little brother in previously unseen flashbacks, so we’ll just have to accept these ~*mythical*~ activities as the new normal.
Hanna reads a book *gasps*
Spencer: *startled* Is Travis reading them to you?
LMAO~ I think Spencer seems shocked to discover that her friend is actually not illiterate. Besides, Hanna reading a book is so far from the realm of possibility. When was the last time we’ve seen her read anything? Does flipping through fashion magazines count as reading? Does checking the number of calories on a chocolate bar count as reading? Does examining the price tags in a shoe warehouse sale count as reading?
Hanna: *profoundly* The sociopathic mind feeds on intricate patterns!
Emily: WTF!? Hanna, please stop reading! You’re not a detective!
LMAO~ Did you notice how the pretty little liars mock and judge Hanna as soon as she displays a single pulse of brainwave activity? Those bitches keep making unnecessary digs instead of supporting her intellectual endeavours. Poor Hanna, she faces so much discrimination as a woman of higher intelligence. Don’t hate her just because she’s smart AND beautiful!
2.) It’s kinda strange that Hanna digs these crime novels so much. As if she doesn’t get enough of this shite in her day-to-day life. Why would she read about gruesome murders and unsolved mysteries when she’s already experiencing it every single day? That’s like asking Toby to read a book about dead mothers. It’s redundant and hits just a little too close to home, y’know?
I’m also having a difficult time believing Officer Holbrook reads books either. Just look at how much make-up is on his face and how much hair gel is on his head. This pretty boy doesn’t give off the ~bookworm vibe~. I have him pegged as the type of guy who’d read the swimsuit editorials in Sports Illustrated or the spring fashion catalogue for The Gap instead.
Officer Holbrook: Oh yeah, you should buy this! *randomly picks up the first book he sees on the shelf* Highly recommended!
Unfortunately, Officer Holbrook is kinda useless as a love interest too. His scenes mostly consist of him yapping about crime novels and not much else. Okay dude. Nobody cares about your longwinded book reviews. Either make out with Hanna or GTFO!
1.) This is the first time Officer Holbrook returned to the show after he went missing for the past 13 consecutive episodes. I love how he was originally brought in to solve Detective Wilden’s murder, but then he disappeared during the entire investigation while Lt. Tanner did all the real police work. PLL didn’t even try to give him scenes and pretend that his character is anything more than ~*eye candy*~.
2.) Who else prefers Lt. Tanner over Officer Holbrook? Her character always brings the lulz, while his character brings…well, I’m not sure what he brings to the table. Maybe a pretty face and yet another inappropriate romantic subplot that nobody is looking forward to? Sigh~~~
Mona x Mike = nomance
Mike: I wuv u mona~~~
Mona: *pets head* Good boy. Here’s a treat~ *feeds him a doggie biscuit*
Mona: *knocks on door* Mr. Fitz, you wanted to see me?
Ezra: Yes, I did. Please come in. And uh, close the door.
Cue the porno music! I think it’s funny that Ezra regurgitates the exact same pick-up lines on all of his female students. How many times has Mr. Fitz asked Miss Montgomery to stay behind after class and lock the classroom door behind her?
Mona: *casually strolling out of Aria’s bedroom*
Aria: What are you doing here??? O_O
Mona: Using the restroom facilities.
Aria: I don’t have a toilet in my bedroom, Mona! What are you doing in my house!?!?
Dat awkward moment when Mona admitted to using the restroom facilities inside Aria’s bedroom. Knowing Mona, she must get a sick thrill from doing rancid stunts inside another person’s living quarters. She prolly urinated in the trash bin and had sex with Mike all over Aria’s bed.
Mona: Excuse me?
Aria: Drop the cougar crap and tell me why you’re after a tenth grader! What turns you on? The fact that he shares my DNA or the fact that you have full access to my bedroom!?
Dat awkward moment when Aria Montgomery is judging someone else on a two-year age difference in their relationship. I don’t know why she thinks dating a tenth grader is out of bounds, but screwing an eleventh grader who also happens to be your student is okie-dokie.
Aria: Mona brook up our parents! She’s the one who wrote to mom and dad about Meredith!
Mike: Our parents broke themselves up! Maybe it’s time for you to let go of that and stop judging! People make mistakes, okay!? I’ve done a lot of crap that I’m not real proud of myself. I’m sure there’s someone right now standing in another bedroom talking smack about me.
OMG. It’s too late! Mona already had Mike COMPLETELY BRAINWASHED! *imitates his nasally voice* Don’t judge her! Stop being such a hater! Good lord, what kind of satanic mind control did she inflict upon this poor little lamb? Mike sounds like he has been drinking the kool-aid straight from Mona’s teets!
1.) Jesse is responsible for collecting the most dangerous minds together and starting a terrorist therapy group on school campus. Jesse somehow believes that putting Mona in the same room as a bunch of teenage crooks and criminals will have a ~*rehabilitative*~ effect on them. Like wtf. It’s almost like Jesse wants these struggling students to relapse so that they could be part of Mona’s army of evil minions.
2.) Amusingly enough, Jesse is already trying to recruit Aria in his therapy group within thirty seconds of meeting her, which speaks volumes about her sanity levels. I do love the idea of Mike + Mona + Aria all being in the same confined room together = FIREWORKS~~~
Aria: MONA IS THE DEVIL!!!!! And I would really, really appreciate it if you didn’t encourage them being together.
Jesse: Well, I don’t discourage friendships. If two students bond, it’s because they found common ground.
WTF Jesse!? They found their *common ground* in breaking the law and committing criminal offenses, so I’m not sure if you should be encouraging this type of unhealthy relationship to foster! Doesn’t it seem like this so-called guidance counsellor is more interested in running a matchmaking service than an actual therapy group? I feel like Jesse thinks his job description is to guide his students into the bedroom and ask them to physically counsel each other.
Maggie: I’m guessing you’ve done some lying yourself when it comes to Mr. Fitz.
Aria: Yeah, but it’s not the kind that includes blackmailing his family into paying for a three-bedroom house and a fancy summer camp!
Maggie: Well, that’s rich. Coming from a kid who maintains her grade point average by sleeping with her teacher.
OOOOOH BURN~~~ WHAT A BITCH LMAO!!! Maggie just drew out her gun, fired a shot at Aria below the belt, and the bullet hit her at exactly where it hurts the most.
Ever since Aria took those karate classes, she has become a total menace to society. They need to put up a public safety sign and warn the Rosewood residents to beware her fists of destruction. This bitch really thinks she’s like some ~*street brawler*~ who can win any argument with her karate chops. ME ARIA MONTGOMERY! ME SAVAGE CAVEWOMAN! YOU DARE TO DISAGREE WITH ME!? ME PUMMEL YOU TO THE GROUND!!!
Aria: How can she-!?
Ezra: Flying off the handle isn’t going to help anything, Aria! *ominously* People get what they deserve. Eventually.
Oh my god. I’m feeling the ~chills~ in my bones, y’all. Judging from the way Ezra is speaking, I wouldn’t be surprised if they find a mangled and unidentified female corpse lying beside the dumpster by this time tomorrow. PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.
Andrew, the adorkable drug-dealing nerdmuffin
Andrew: One misconception is that a net force is required to keep the body in motion. In fact, it’s needed to change whatever current state the body is in.
lol @ Andrew’s nerdy pick-up lines. Hey Spencer, did you know it takes two bodies to create velocity and friction? What else can we do to keep our bodies in motion?
Andrew: *mumbling* I dunno, like seven.
Isn’t it totes adorable that Andrew spent seven consecutive hours with his nose buried in a textbook? Think of how you spent the past seven hours with your life, probably watching crappy television shows and looking at silly memes on the Internet. Poor Andrew though. For such a smart guy, he couldn’t figure out there’re easier ways to score a 94 on your physics test without studying. Just ask Aria, seven minutes on her knees and she doesn’t have to worry about the rest of the semester.
Spencer: Why did you come here?
Andrew: I dunno. I thought maybe you were done with that carpenter.
At least he’s honest with his intentions. Speaking of which, Andrew needs to stay around for a longer story arc instead of these random one-episode stints. Spencer might be trapped in a boring monogamous relationship with that carpenter, but I’m sure he can still be a love interest for one of the other girls. Hanna reads books now, so she’s totally brainy enough to hook up with Andrew!
OBJECTION! When did Andrew become the captain of the decathlon team? I thought Mona was still the reigning president? Did some kind of political scandal force her out of office before her four-year term ended? Last time I checked, Andrew didn’t win a democratic election and he didn’t name the 15 countries that became independent after the dissolution of the Soviet Union during a mandated quiz-off competition, so this bitch ain’t worthy of the presidency!
Andrew: You didn’t?
Spencer: I’ve been watching you.
Andrew: You have???
Spencer: It’s time to share, Andrew…
Andrew: *wishfully* Okay~~~
IT’S TIME TO SHARE MY BODY WITH YOU!!! <--- how Andrew desperately wants the sentence to end. Granted, Spencer was being coy here, but he basically misread the signals and misconstrued all of her words. Just look at how his face lit up when she gave him the tiniest bit of attention. I'm pretty sure Andrew is already re-enacting a schoolboy sexual fantasy in his head right now. Simmer down, you horny little nerd!
OMG! What’s the deal with the pretty little liars and their beloved prescription pills!? These bitches are getting outta control with their recent drug binges. First Emily and now Spencer. Who else is next? Will Hanna start popping pills to get over her relationship heartache? How long before Aria overdoses once she finds out Ezra is A? At this rate, these girls are gonna start rolling up joints and shoot needles into their arms by the time Season 5 rolls along!
Andrew: I WANNA GET ~~HIGH~~ ON THE DEAN’S LIST! *chugs downs a bottle of pills*
Wouldn’t it be funny if schools need to start administrating a preliminary drug test on the students BEFORE they take the actual academic test? If you get tested for positive, then you automatically flunk the course!
Ezra is Board Shorts!
We’re at a college bar. The Hart and the Huntsman. He likes to take me there, but he doesn’t like to call them dates…
Yeah, the police won’t call them dates either. They prefer to use the term ‘sting operation’ before they catch the predator who takes an underage girl to a bar in an attempt to get them drunk.
Alison: So, what do you think of my stories?
Ezra: You have a strong voice, but it’s only going to get more distinctive as you grow up.
Alison: Grow up?
Ezra: You know what I mean. Mature.
Alison: So, you don’t think I’m mature enough?
Oh, I don’t think *not being mature enough* has ever posed a problem for Ezra. OMFG.
No wonder Spencer had to take those pills. The contents of this flashback are so stomach-churning that you need to consume hard drugs just to block out your memory afterwards.
That’s when Spencer has a *light bulb moment* and finally realizes Ezra = Board Shorts (the name of the beer) = MAJOR MUTHERFUCKING CREEP!!!
Emily goes on a BITCH RAMPAGE
Aria: She was only trying to stop you from making a mistake…
Emily: YA I MADE A MISTAKE TRUSTING THAT POOPOOHEAD TRAITOR!
Hanna: Can you please bury the hatchet with her!? I’m sick of taking sides!
Emily: No one asked you to! NOW BEGONE, SPENCER SYMPATHISERS!
In Emily’s Defense: Emily was really, really close to getting some action with Alison until Spencer so rudely interrupted them. Real friends don’t stop each other from getting laid, that’s like the number one rule in the guidelines. Spencer is the WORST WINGMAN EVER and she deserves to be ostracized for breaking bro code!
Not even the background extras are safe from her bitchzilla fury. Some random couple was kissing at Mike’s party, so Emily suddenly decides to START SHIT and interrupts dem sluts because she’s ~*morally offended*~ by their PDA. Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that Emily is working for the purity police? Like, seriously, just let these horny kids make out with each other to their heart’s content! Nobody appreciates a cockblocker, Emily!
Um yeah… If I were Emily, I might consider revoking my driver’s license and just walk everywhere instead.
Emily: Rock…paper…SCISSORS!!! *stabs*
Wayne: No, you don’t use actual scissors when we’re playing this game!!!
Luckily, Papa Fields survived the assassination attempt, although it was a very close brush with death. Who could’ve guessed that he’d be safer while deployed in an Afghanistan warzone than living at home with his lunatic daughter?
It’s dark outside… Emily is alone at the school… And suddenly, the strangest shenanigans are happening inexplicably around her. Flickering lights! Looming shadows! Loud noises! Slammed doors! Everything is happening at once, but nothing is making any sense, so it’s almost like watching the PLL Halloween episode all over again. At this point, Emily is crying and spazzing out and calling her daddy on the phone to come rescue her from this haunted school.
LMAO LMAO LMAO. A, go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You’ve truly outdone yourself by giving out ridiculous(ly funny) threats while putting the pretty little liars under duress.
I’m not even exaggerating a little, Emily’s dad was *literally* scaling the walls and climbing the pipes like he’s fucking Spiderman! He climbed all the way up until he reached the two-storey window and then he swiftly facilitated his daughter’s emergency evacuation. Like wtf. Seriously wtf just happened. DID PAPA FIELDS JUST CLIMB UP A MOTHERFUCKING SCHOOL!? I can’t even!!! Somebody hand that man a superhero cape right now! BECAUSE! HE! IS! FUCKING! BALLER!!!
Look on the bright side, Hanna! At least you don’t have any cavities.