In this #PLL recap, Emily finally meets up with Alison; Hanna throws herself at her rebound; Ezra plants hidden knife blades; Toby signs a legal settlement.
Seriously, Aria. Please do the right thing and release Jake from your tangled web of relationship dramaz. It only takes ten seconds to break up with somebody via a text message, jussayin’.
Ezra: *GLARES* Morning with me, afternoon with him…
Aria: No, it’s not like that!
Ezra: *smirks* I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.
Ezra is such a passive aggressive asshole, inserting these snide little digs to make Aria feel bad about herself so that he could emotionally manipulate her into doing what he wants. Of course, if Aria could have her way, she’d organize her daily schedule to spend mornings with Ezra, afternoons with Jake, evenings at the coffee shop cruising for potential new love interests, and then she’ll come back home before nine so that Ezra could tuck her in and read her a bedtime story.
Aria breaks up with Karate Jake
Aria: While you were away, I was just doing some thinking and…
Jake: You’re back with Ezra, aren’t you!?
I love the phrasing in her break-up speech, acting as if she had a deep philosophical moment on the toilet seat or something. Excuse me, but I believe Aria did more than just *thinking* while her boyfriend was away? Exactly how much of this *thinking* occurred as she was riding long and hard on Ezra’s disco stick?
In reality, it was just a barely visible boo-boo above his eye, but of course Aria exaggerates the situation, describes it as a “huge gash” and acts like Jake’s face was permanently disfigured. You know, this is probably the real reason why she broke up with him on the spot. WUT!? JAKE’S BEAUTIFUL FACE IS NOW SCARRED!? OK THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVAH!!!
Wow, that’s exactly what every guy wants to hear after they just got dumped by their girlfriend! Sorry that our relationship didn’t work out, but hey check out this cool consolation prize! *ties a friendship bracelet around your wrist* Is this bitch ferreal? I can’t tell if Aria was being cruel or if she’s really that obtuse. Either way, Jake has a modicum of self-respect so he was like nothx and then Aria was like LOLKAY IF U R TOO BUTTHURT TO BE FRIENDS WIV BENEFITS, THEN FINE BY ME! BACK 2 EZRA’S DIQ I GO~
1.) Who else thought Jake’s handwriting was surprisingly neat for such a neanderthal? It was the first thing I noticed. Is it wrong that the sexiest part about Jake is his calligraphy? I know, I’m into weird kinks like that!
2.) It was sweet of Jake to buy a present for his girlfriend, but I ain’t too impressed with what he got for her. What’s that thingamjig!? Did he just give Aria a dog tag with her name engraved on it? That thing looked like Jake picked it up in the discount pile at the dollar store, y’know, next to all those refrigerator magnets with everyone’s names on it. I mean, I can’t be the only one who thought his gift was kinda tacky, right?
Jake: Keep it. What am I gonna do with it? I don’t have another Aria in my life.
Aria: Aww! Thx boo!
You gotta commend Jake for having the patience of a saint. How does he put it up with her obnoxious behaviour after she cheated on him, dumped his ass, and then came back to rub salt onto his wounds? Once again, I can’t tell if this girl is being cruel or if she’s really that obtuse. Maybe she wasn’t satisfied with his mild reaction when they broke up, so this bitch visited him again to destroy his spirit some more. Hey Jake, I just broke up with ya! Gimme tears, gimme drama, gimme all the attention that I desperately crave for!
EXACTLY. That’s the question that we’ve struggled to answer since the first episode of the show. Why would anyone wanna be with a guy like Ezra? What’s so goddamn desirable about that lecherous dweebish creeper? I’m particularly befuddled by why anyone would covet Ezra more than Jake. ARIA GURRRRL, GET UR EYES CHECKED. Have you looked at his biceps!? The gun show on display is more than enough reason to choose this hunk of meat over that spring chicken Ezra!
We never find out who Ezra was yelling at or what was his beef with her? I’m guessing there’s probably a super petty reason, like her swiping the last bottle of laundry detergent at the supermarket or something. Maybe it’s for the best that we don’t grow too attached to this anonymous civilian. I’ve a bad feeling that we’ll never see this character again after Ezra cuts the brakes in her car and leads the poor woman straight into oncoming traffic as part of his retaliation. *shudders*
Aria: I’m not afraid of Ezra.
Jake: Maybe you should be.
Aria: Look, the Ezra that I know doesn’t have a mean bone in his body!
Jake: Just do yourself a favour. Keep your eyes open.
Jake tries warning Aria about the DANGEROUS PREDATORY PSYCHO known as Ezra, but she instantly puts her fingers into her ears and refuses to believe a single word uttered in bad faith against her boyfriend. By the time Jake finished speaking, Aria had zoned out while imagining Ezra on a unicorn in her perfect fantasy land. Stay strong, Aria! You must vanquish those non-Ezria believers with happy positive thoughts!
Ezra: The conversation was heated. Voices were raised. There was nothing violent about it. So either Jake misinterpreted what he saw, or he’s trying to make me look bad so you’ll rethink your decision.
Aria: *sighs in relief* I KNEW IT! JAKE WAS JUST A JELLUS EZRIA HATER ALL ALONG! I STILL WUV U EZWAH. I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN U.
Take a nice long look at the sweaty muscular torso in front of you, Aria. This is what you’ve given up today, and I hope you live to regret the decision for the rest of your life! :(
a.) Hooking up with Aria!
b.) Snitching about Ezra’s violent outburst!
c.) Having rock solid abs that aren’t sprayed on!
d.) Constantly one-upping Ezra with his superior presence!
The verdict is in! JAKE HAS 2 PAY 4 FOR HIS ANTI-EZRIA TREASON!!!
HOLY SHEEEEET! WHAT. A. BITCH. MOVE. We all joke about ezrA being a diabolical villain, but what he did was seriously fucked up on so many levels. I cannot believe he’d stoop so low to pull off such a malicious, demented, and pure evil stunt. Worst of all, Jake had qualified to compete in a national karate tournament until Ezra practically put him into a wheelchair, so the twisted dimensions of his evilz keep on compounding more and more! He’s beyond creepy at this point. I believe Ezra is DERANGED, MENTALLY ILL, AND SICK IN THE HEAD.
Hanna & Travis have pool buttsecks
Spencer: You’re really giving away all these clothes? That’s like half of your wardrobe. You bought that dress last month!
Hanna: I’m just sick of the same old things.
LAST MONTH??? Gurl, that dress is already out of style! Hanna would be the laughing stock if she wore something so vintage and outdated from ten fashion cycles ago! Dispose that antique immediately!
Spencer: Okay, that’s your favourite skirt…
Hanna: No, it was Caleb’s favourite.
Wow, that miniskirt looked like it could barely cover half of Hanna’s butt cheeks. Judging by the length of that flimsy little cloth, I think it was Caleb’s favourite only because of what he could see underneath that skirt.
Luckily, her rebound boyfriend Travis is always lurking in the bushes nearby, so he shows up at her doorstep right on schedule. She invites him inside to play an innocent game of pool. Hey, it’s just two teenagers alone in a house with sticks and balls and many holes. What could possibly go wrong? :o)
Instead of putting on an instructional video for Hanna’s viewing, Travis decides that he’d give Hanna a very ~*physical demonstration*~ which involves leaning in right behind her, practically breathing down her neck, and wrapping his burly arms around her body. Okayyyyy mister, I know you’re horny, but you might be coming on a tad too strong. Let’s keep our hands to ourselves. You can teach Hanna how to hold a cue stick on the other side of the pool table too!
Am I the only one who feels scandalized by the PRETTY LITTLE LIARS SODOMY??? I didn’t know that Hanna Marin liked to take it up the ass, and I feel like that’s a piece of information that I didn’t necessarily need to know about her character. Well, at least we now understand what happened between Mike and Hanna when they hooked up a few years ago!
Hanna: YIPPEE!!! MAKEOUT SESH!!!
Travis: …whoa. *pulls away from her*
Hanna: Sorry! Sorry, that was so stupid! *coy look* Of course you’re not into me like that.
Hanna is behaving like a little minx in this episode, isn’t she? We don’t get to see this side of her character too often, but she can be quite flirtatious and enticing when she wants to be. Look at the way she dresses. Look at the way she speaks. Look at the way she initiates that kiss with Travis and then acts all coy around him afterwards. Hanna is being very calculating here. Let’s just say she definitely knows how to PLAY DEM MEN~~~
Hanna: No, I’m not just getting out! I’m completely out! It’s done!
Travis: Maybe we should give this a little bit more time?
Ugh, Travis. Can we please not go through this charade? Look at this phony bitch pretending that he doesn’t want a slice of ass when he was hovering over Hanna before she even broke up with her boyfriend. He was practically her shadow in the past couple of episodes. We all know you wanna tap that, bro! The sooner he admits it to himself, the faster we can all move on from this bullshit. Nobody cares about your faux gentleman act, Travis! Just go ahead and fucking kiss her and then ravish her on the pool table already!
I have no words for you, Travis. I’m done with this character. Please just take the walk of shame and leave the show with a bright red hickey on your neck. BYE BITCH.
Hanna: We are!
Ashley: You kiss all your friends like that?
Hanna: Don’t judge me!
Ashley: Trust me, throwing yourself at a new guy is not the way to get over the old one!
Hanna: You’re one to throw stones.
lol burrrrrn~ Altho I’m pretty sure Mama Marin is a diehard Team Haleb fan, so that’s why she is dissing all over the Hanna x Travis ship. Remember a few episodes ago, she was getting giggly with Caleb and being like *hehe u can call me ashley~ nudgey nudge~ * Yeah, it’s kind of obvious which son-in-law Mama Marin would rather want.
The best part about these places is that you get to break all kinds of items. Plates! Cups! Vases! Ornaments! Potted plants! You name it, and then you throw it! Does it get any better!? *breaks dis plate* Thank you, Pretty Little Liars, for introducing me to my new sanctuary! *breaks dat plate* I feel sooooo alive again!!!
Hanna: *leaves a voice message to Caleb* It’s me, Hanna. I keep replaying these past few weeks over and over again in my head. Trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost you. Wondering if I could’ve done something differently. But I just want to let you know that it was the best year of my life.
Shana is a double crossing bitch!
1.) Okay, is anyone disturbed that an article of clothing had been stripped off Alison while she’s supposedly running away from Ezra? Who knows what that filthy scoundrel did with Ali or where he might have disposed her body afterwards???
2.) I love how Ali is always on the run and evading capture~ She’s a little bit like the Road Runner to Ezra’s Wile E. Coyote. You will never catch me, ezrA! Meep Meep!
Hanna: Watch out, A! You might have Alison, but I have JAZZERCISE!!! *lifts dumbbell triumphantly*
Why am I not surprised that Shana has switched allegiances yet again for the hundredth time? Can this bitch just choose a side and stick with it? First she was dating Paige. And then she was flirting with Emily. For a while she appeared to be Jenna’s lesbian lover. And now she reveals herself as Alison’s childhood best friend or whatever. Does Shana have any other secret connections that we won’t find out about until Season 5? Just watch, they’ll reveal she is actually Mona’s distant cousin the next time we see her. I don’t even fucking know anymore! This ain’t hopscotch, bitch! You can’t just leap from one character’s storyline to the next whenever you damn please!
2.) Shana knew about the ~*Aliveson*~ plot twist long ago. In fact, they’ve been in contact with each other when Mona got inducted into Radley. Ever since then, Shana has served as Alison’s undercover spy to gather intel and infiltrate enemy camps. It’s kinda funny because during the past four seasons, the pretty little liars ran around in circles investigating the killer and their friend’s whereabouts…and all this time Shana was the only one who actually made a difference and got any shit done. *lololol*
C’mon, who would actually trust their lives with these four bitches? I’d rather put my blind faith in a shady ho like Shana rather than the collective brainpower of the pretty little liars.
At first, Emily was like *I DON’T TRUST U BOO*. But then, Shana got her hands on a Season 2 script and reveals the steamy lesbian timez between Emily & Alison, including the X-rated footage that never made it to the actual episode. Now Emily is feeling nostalgic and a little aroused, but she also trusts Shana for answering all the trivia questions correctly.
Shana: Alison asked me to come to Rosewood to figure out who tried to kill her. Jenna is on the list. Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.
OH NOOOO!!! QUEEN JENNA, YOU HAVE AN INFILTRATOR AMIDST YOUR RANKS! HOW DARE YOU, SHANA DOUBLECROSSER!?!? JENNA TRUSTED YOU! JENNA CONFIDED IN YOU! JENNA ALLOWED YOU INTO HER BED AND HER BATH! THIS IS A BETRAYAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!!! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR LEAKING THE KINGDOM’S MOST TREASURED SECRETS TO THE ENEMY CAMP!!! OFF. WITH. YOUR. HEAD.
Spencer: Even if this were true, why would Ali only want to meet with you? Look, I know you wanna believe this is Alison reaching out to you, but it’s not Ali. It’s A! You’re not going alone!
Emily: NOOOOO SPENCER!!! TWO’S COMPANY, BUT THREE’S A CROWD!!!
Emily must think there’s a real possibility that Alison will reach second base with her if the two of them were alone at the meeting, so that’s why she doesn’t want anybody to tag along on her date. Stop being such a third wheel, Spencer!
The end of Toby’s #deadmama storyline?
Toby: *in the nude* Hey Spence, I got the hot water working!
Peter: …..*sighs* Put some pants on!
Of course, one man’s nightmare is a thousand fangurls’ erotic fantasy. I’m sure many of us would gladly trade places with Spencer’s dad right now.
Spencer: Okay, but why all the secrecy? It’s not like this hasn’t happened before.
I love that tact and etiquette seem to evade Spencer in the same way that shirts and pants seem to evade Toby. Why all the secrecy, u guise? Let’s dedicate a section in the local newspaper about Jason’s alcoholism! If Spencer could have her way, she would have posted her half-brother’s rehab stint on all the major celebrity gossip sites so we could all wish him a rapid recovery on our social media accounts.
Just as Toby was about to accept the dead mama legal settlement, Spencer makes a SHOCKING GAME CHANGER DISCOVERY because Mama DiLaurentis is on the board of trustees for Radley! I guess this is kinda scandalous because Jessica and Peter probably had kinky asylum sex in the same room that Spencer stayed in last season. Sadly, this discovery also means that PLL can prolong this storyline for even longer, because it’ll take 24 episodes before they reveal that A murdered Toby’s mother or whatever.
Toby: What I know is my mother DIDN’T kill herself. Now whether she fell or some disturbed patient pushed her, it doesn’t matter.
Spencer: It doesn’t matter!? How can it not matter!?
Toby: Stop! Let it go, Spencer! IT’S OVER!
OMG TOBY IS SUCH A SELLOUT!!! Sorry about your unsolved murder, ma! But I needs to buy me a new pair of Nikes, yo!
While I’m cautiously hopeful that our national nightmare might be over at last, I won’t get my hopes up just yet. The dead mama storyline is always lurking in the shadows with its dark prevailing forces ready to strike at any time. We must remain vigilant!
Emily goes on a hot date with Alison
Look behind you, Emily! She’s right there! In the flesh! OMG! OMG! OMG! My reaction during this scene: *squealing and hand wringing and entire body shaking with excitement*
Alison: I’ve missed you so much…
Alison: Good girl! *pets her head* That’s why you’re my favourite! *gives her a biscuit*
Awww! I’m getting so emosh watching the two of them reunite! ALISON X EMILY 4EVAH!!! I really like their scenes together, which always seem so authentic and heartfelt. It’s not just about the romantic undertones or the sexual chemistry between them either. I also admire the ~*pureness*~ of their relationship. There’s something so earnest and sincere about the way Emily loves her friend. Her unconditional love for Alison can stand the test of time, through weathered storms and beyond treacherous lies. They don’t even need to hook up, but I just really ship the two of them together~~~
Oh Emily, I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings! Boo hoo hoo! OKAY WTF!? That is totally not Alison’s regular dialogue. Did somebody mix up her scripts? What’s going on with her!? It’s a little difficult for me to accept this, but Alison 2.0 may have come back as a Changed Woman who has a beating heart and an actual human conscience. I never thought there’d be a day when I would describe her character as a nice person, but now she’s some goody-two-shoes with a glowing halo and a pair of angel wings. It seems like the Alison DiLaurentis Redemption Arc 2014 has officially begun!
Emily: You can trust me! Spencer, Aria…
Alison: I know I can trust you, Em. I’m just not sure about them.
LOL LOL LOL~~~ Alison just threw some massive shade on those three bitches! *hides smile behind hand* We all know Emily is Alison’s favourite, but I wonder who is actually her LEAST favourite friend? Could it be a three-way tie? Maybe Emily is only her favourite by default because Alison actually *hates* Spencer, Aria and Hanna?
OHHHHH NOOOOO!!! Sorry Emily, but that was your one and only chance! Now you’ll never see Alison again for the rest of your life! Too bad, so sad!
To be honest, I was iffy about the Aliveson plot twist at first, but PLL did a terrific job nailing the storyline and building up the dramatic tension so far. All of Alison’s scenes have been GOLD this season, and now I can’t imagine her character being dead again. In a perfect world, she’d just keep running around town and cause chaos everywhere for the rest of eternity~
Spencer: I don’t get it, how could she disappear like that?
Emily: She didn’t disappear. YOU SCARE HER AWAY.
Spencer: I thought you were putting yourself in danger! I know, I’m sorry!
Emily: You’re gonna have to work harder than that! I betrayed Alison… She’s NEVER gonna reach out to me again!
Emily is only pissed off because she thought the escalating ~*sexual tension*~ between her and Alison would lead to another sexy makeout session…until Spencer walked in and interrupted them! DAMN YOU SPENCER, I WAS SO CLOSE TO 2ND BASE!!!
Spencer: She’s still playing games with us! Ali sucked you back in! She wanted to make you feel special so that you wouldn’t give up on her!
Emily: THAT’S SICK. IT WASN’T LIKE THAT. SHE WAS DIFFERENT TONIGHT. SHE WAS SINCERE.
Spencer: She can trust you, but she’s not sure about the rest of us? Don’t you get it!? She’s trying to divide us! We can’t let her come between us!
Yes, these are the calm soothing words that Emily definitely wants to hear right now. Good job, Spencer!
Holy shit! EMILY. FUCKING. FLIPS. OUT. During her nuclear meltdown, she slaps Spencer’s arms away, hisses venomously at her friend, and then causes Godzilla earthquakes as she stomps off the scene. YES! YES! YESSSS! I love it whenever the pretty little liars get into these BITCHFIGHTS with each other! Emily vs. Spencer: Round 36 is about to commence! Give me front row tickets to this ringside match please!