The pretty little liars decode Alison’s diary; Hanna and Mike’s sordid love affair is exposed; Spencer lays a public smackdown on Mama DiLaurentis.
Now that we know Alison’s character is alive, these ambiguous dreamlike scenes just aren’t working anymore. Maybe it’s time for her to stop hijacking into people’s dreams and start communicating more like a human being? Sorry Ali, you’re alive now, so you’ll have to ring the doorbell and enter through the front door just like everybody else!
Ezra *stalks* Alison
Alison: I saved your life. Twice. I risked everything for you…
Emily: YOU DESTROYED ME, OKAY!? I thought you were dead!
Alison: But I’m not. *voice trembling* Aren’t you glad I’m not?
There’s also a lot of ambiguity on her true feelings towards Emily. Alison seems quite sweet and vulnerable in this scene, but is she just being coy? Is she genuine? Is this a one-sided puppy love on Emily’s part? Or are her feelings reciprocated because ALISON IS EMILY’S SOULMATE ZOMG!?!?
At this point, Psycho Paige should just do the gracious thing and voluntarily bow out of this relationship before she gets hurt. Please throw yourself off a cliff so that you don’t get in the way of an inevitable Alison x Emily hook-up, kthx~
Could Ezra be any more conspicuous!? Ugh, this is how these twisted perverts work. They start with the small harmless voyeuristic stuff, but then they get riskier and riskier with their offences as they go along. Pretty soon Ezra will just start grabbing girls from the hallways and having his way with them in the school supply closet!
Spencer: You still love him!
Aria: Whether I do or I don’t, I’m just trying to figure things out with Jake.
Spencer: Okay, lemme help you. You like Jake…you LOVE Ezra.
I’m sooooo sick of hearing about how much Aria loves her Ezwah. For the last godforsaken time… NOBODY LOVES EZRA. NOT EVEN HIS MOMMA.
Spencer slut shames Mama DiLaurentis
Was I the only one who thought Spencer looked ridiculous dressed in that caped trench coat thingy with those stupid redundant sleeves flapping and flopping all over the place? She was runnin’ around this episode looking like an alien mutant with two extra limbs. HEY SPENCER, U R WEARING IT WRONG. Who came up with this fashion anomaly and decided to make ~*da armless look*~ into a style trend!?
It seems like the only one who ain’t getting any action lately is Emily, which might explain why the bitch is so tense and aggro all the time. Stop holding out on yer girlfriend, Psycho Paige! No wonder Emily is having erotic fantasies about Alison last night!
Toby: There’s a lot that we don’t know. Astrophysics. Portuguese. How to make flan.
Hehe, that was a cute line. For the record though, I believe Spencer had studied astrophysics in Portugal while managing a cafe that specializes in making flan, so she probably mastered all three skills already.
Jessica: Ken and I are getting a divorce. I go to court next week and your father was kind enough to offer me some of his legal expertise.
“Legal expertise”, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? By that definition, Toby and Spencer definitely left behind A LOT of their legal expertise all over his apartment sofa!
Spencer: I don’t know what’s going on between you and my dad, but you need to stay away from him!
Jessica: Oh Spencer, I believe you have a very wrong impression of me teehee~
Spencer: THERE ARE PLENTY OF LAWYERS IN THIS TOWN. FIND ONE YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT WITH AND KEEP MY FAMILY OUT OF IT!!!!! #dropthemic
LMAO~ So much EPIC SPENCEROWNAGE~ I swear she was two seconds away from calling for Jessica’s beheading in the town square.
The best part about Spencer’s public confrontation is that it’s only a teaser of the inevitable showdown between Mama DiLaurentis and Mama Hastings, which I’m anticipating more and more each day. If you guys thought Spencer was being harsh here, then just wait until you see Veronica put on her boxing gloves and step into the ring! Ohohohoho, that is one pay-per-view catfight that you do not wanna miss!
Peter: You promised me, Spencer! I told you not to talk to that woman and you disobeyed me! Now you keep pushing it, and you’ll be the one to ruin this family!!! Understood!? As long as you live under my roof, you will stay away from her! Do you hear me!?
Riiiight, so Peter and Jessica are hopping at it like rabid rabbits in the middle of the day, yet Spencer is the one who’ll ruin this family??? DA FUQ @ DAT LOGIC. Whatever, Spencer’s dad is a major aggro asshole with a stank ass attitude, but we all know that already.
IT’S A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP COMMITMENT TRAP! Run while you still can, Toby! Run before you lose your bachelor freedom forever!!!
Hanna hooked up with Mike Montgomery!?
Despite her notoriety, CeCe still remains an elusive background character who’s constantly mentioned yet never seen in the actual episode. I don’t even remember why she’s under police suspicion in the first place? I think she was accused of killing Detective Wilden because she wore a red coat or something? IDK, her story arc has been random as hell. I still can’t get over the fact that she transformed from *bitchy boutique shopkeeper* into *evil killer on the loose* with zero character development in between.
Surprisingly, we hear this pivotal plot information from TRAVIS THE STALKER of all people. When did he suddenly become so knowledgeable about CeCe Drake? I mean, he even knows about her motives for killing Detective Wilden! How does this irrelevant minor character KNOW THINGS??? Does Travis follow her Twitter account? Does he have a satellite tracking her every move? Tell us more about your stalking abilities, Travis!
Hanna: She’s good! She just started a new job today.
Travis: And Caleb?
Hanna: He’s fine……
lol @ Travis testing the waters to see if it’s too early to start hitting on her. At least he has the decency to give a 24-hour grace period for Hanna to mourn over her break-up before moving on to the next love interest lined up for her. OK, you can have this episode to weep over your ex-boyfriend or whatever, but THE CLOCK IS TICKING MISSY!!!
Hanna and Mike? Are we serious here? Is this really a thing? I feel like we are in an alternate universe and we’ve somehow stumbled upon the ~*darkest timeline*~ where Aria’s best friend had sexual relations with Aria’s little brother. Hanna x Mike must be a product of some temporal rift in the space-time continuum, that’s the only logical explanation for this anomaly against nature.
Hanna: Well, Ali made him. Trust me, he was probably more embarrassed than I was.
Aria: No, that is not true! He used to have a huge crush on you back then!
Aria was surprisingly chill about her little brother putting his diq into one of her friends. She basically applauded Hanna and gave her a pat on the back for slutting it up. Am I the only one who feels SCANDALIZED by this Mike x Hanna love affair that popped up out of nowhere!? This is a pretty big deal, right? I wanna hear more details! What was happening!? When did it start? Who made the first move? Were there tongues involved? Did they use protection? How many fingers did she put up his butthole? I wanna know about every little twitch, itch, and scratch that happened between them!
I actually don’t think they’ve reached past first base. Apparently, Mike just milked the cow but he didn’t eat beef for his full-course meal. *WEAK EFFORT BRUH* No wonder Hanna is crying and acting so traumatized over the experience. Mike must have gone cold turkey on her!
Hanna: He’s two years younger than us…
Alison: Exactly! Oh my god, Aria is gonna die!
Isn’t there some kind of *gurl code* that states you shouldn’t hook up with your friend’s little brother until his pubic hair has grown in? I mean, it’s a bit of a grey area when you hook up with your friends’ siblings, but it’s much worse when you’re a desperate high schooler macking on some middle school kid who probably still colours his pictures with a pack of crayons. Can you even imagine what their relationship would be like? Hi Aria, I’m Hanna Marin! I brought condoms and some diapers for my date with your little brother, hehehe!
Alison: Oh honey, that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being a cradle robber.
Hanna: He was nice to me!
Alison: Oh please. He just wanted to feel your boobs! And you let him!
The biggest shocker about Mike and Hanna’s hook-up is the revelation that he’s not gay gay gay. I was so wrong, you guys. It turns out that Mr. Mike Montgomery is as strictly heterosexual as they come. All along he just wanted to feel some boobs, bro! The bigger the boobs, the better they feel. Actually, when it comes to hooking up with girls, Mike’s motto is generally THE BIGGER THE BETTER. Move over, you skinny girls! Mikey can only get it up for da lovely ladies with some meat and some curves! BIG GIRLS GET BIG DIX~
Leave it to Alison to say something SUPER BITCHY while her emotionally vulnerable friend is sobbing her heart out right in front of her. *lol* As far as I’m concerned, Hanna might have taken advantage of a young and sexually confused Mike Montgomery, but at least she has the good sense not to hook up with a moral degenerate like ezrA. In terms of age-inappropriate romances, Hanna is still one ladder ring above Alison.
The Diary of Alison DiLaurentis
i.e. Dear Diary, I saw Psycho Paige didn’t wash her hands after using the toilet today! Hehehe!
i.e. Dear Diary, I told Hefty Hanna that she had a booger in her nose after she made out with Mike Montgomery! Hehehe!
i.e. Dear Diary, Board Shorts was woefully disappointing in bed. Sloppy technique and 3/10 at best. Hehehe!
Emily: I’m green, you’re blue, you’re purple, Hanna’s pink, Ali’s yellow, and white is for whenever we don’t know who the story is about.
Spencer: *impressed* Wow, that is so me of you!
Emily: Actually it’s so Pam Fields to me. I’m becoming my mother.
LOL! Yeah, Emily’s system does seem a bit overboard though, putting that much effort into a frivolous little book that won’t matter after two episodes. Even Anne Frank is looking at these bitches and going like: “Um, it’s just a silly diary? I don’t see what all the fuss is about!”
Alison: How no one else has noticed this besides me is mind blowing. I may be more attentive to these sort of things than most people, but GC is so obvious about it that her eyes may as well be permanently glued to me.
I love how Alison was like *lol so obvi* at Emily’s infatuation with her. I also love how Emily was caught blatantly undressing Alison with her eyes all the time. She’s such a perve, hehe~
Aria: Okay, Human Cheatsheet has gotta be Spencer, but who’s Suzy Clueless!?
lol @ Suzy Clueless asking about who Suzy Clueless is. Oh Suzy, you really do live up to your name~ Of course, she only figured out this was her nickname after Alison mentioned that she “appreciated Suzy’s great sense of style” and then Aria naturally assumed: “HEHEHE SHE MUST BE GIVING ME MAD PROPZ ABOUT MAH FAB FASHIONS!”
Spencer: Okay, well, eeenie meenie miney moe, it could have been any of us.
lol~ Don’t forget that Alison’s mom also cheated on her husband, which means there are four sets of cheating parents among the five main girls. Pretty soon, the entire town will turn into one big swingers clubs for the adults. Mama Fields needs to hurry up and find herself a fling on the side, so that Emily can experience her parents’ traumatic adultery and doesn’t feel left out from her friends!
The Busy Bee
I used to go there when I was little
Back then the bumblebee was bright
Neon yellow, little fellow
Now he’s lost his light
Her masterpiece reaches Dr. Seuss levels of brilliance. I almost expected Alison to bust out a *green eggs & ham* somewhere within her poem.
Hanna: I thought this was a road trip?
Emily: To find our no longer dead friend. This isn’t Spring Break.
As they are driving towards the inn, Emily’s vehicle suddenly breaks down even though this exact same shit happened to Spencer’s car during the Halloween episode. Now that Travis the Tow Truck Driver is an official love interest, you can expect the liars’ cars to break down many times in practically every episode just so his character could be shoehorned into the plot. I’m curious how many different automotive-related scenarios could they come up with between now and the end of this season?
Aria: Let’s just say, hypothetically, you could figure out what’s wrong with the engine. Would you even know how to fix it?
Emily: Probably not.
lol @ Emily thinking she’s an auto mechanic just because she can name the different vehicle parts. I see there are two dipsticks here, eh? The funny thing is Emily pulled a similar stunt in the Halloween episode too, because lately she has gotten this idea that she can fix cars even though her only qualification is a ~*lesbian stereotype*~. “WUT!? EMILY DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO FIX CARS EVEN THO SHE’S GAY??? REVOKE HER LESBIAN LICENSE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!”
Ezra sneaks into Hanna’s room!
Spencer: This place is great! You should bring Jake here!
Aria: ….. O_O *glares* awks~
Can you imagine if it happened tho? I would love the sordidness of Aria cheating on Ezra inside the same cabin right after she had cheated on Jake an episode ago. The potential for ridiculous relationship drama is right up Aria’s alley!
Aria: No, no, no! Don’t touch that! Just put it down! Just be careful about moving anything, okay!?
Why is Aria being such a spaz? Is she worried that her friends will find her cheetah-print lingerie on the coffee table or something? Then again, her concerns might be legitimate. If I were the pretty little liars, I wouldn’t touch those cushions on the sofa or wipe my feet on the carpet or go anywhere near the bed sheets. Who knows what these two freaky freaks did during their sexcapade last episode? Let’s just assume the entire cabin has been contaminated with Ezra’s sperm. *shudders*
Ashley: Welcome to my humble abode, Mr. Fitz! Feel free to roam anywhere and snoop around my house while I pretend to have this very important phone call! If you need any keys or passwords, don’t bother me about it, I won’t notice anything!
Ezra: ok ttyl brb~ *slowly saunters towards Hanna’s bedroom*
I also tremble with dread when I think about how many pieces of furniture that he rubbed his genitals on, including every single pillow on Hanna’s bed, but let’s be considerate to the children and not delve TOO deeply into the concavities of Ezra’s dark perverse soul.
Honestly, Ezra seems like the type of Internet lowlife who posts obscene pictures on message boards and writes hateful bile in the comments section, so the possibilities of his online wrongdoings are endless. People like Ezra are the reason why the Internet created a SafeSearch filter, y’know?
In his defense though, Travis does seem like a Genuine Nice Guy which is severely lacking on Pretty Little Liars lately, where every male character eventually becomes a creeper or a douche without fail. For this reason, I’m kinda coming around to Travis’ character despite him making a terrible first impression on me, although I still catch some subtle signs of his STALKERY MCSTALKER behaviour every now and then. What I’m saying is…yeah he’s a nice guy for now, but how long will that last? I’m giving Travis five episodes before he’s revealed to be another evil A minion.
Travis: It’s not like that. Like I’m your employee. I’m your friend!
Hanna: Seriously, I gotta give you something, you drove all that way…
Travis: *clasps hands* Can’t I just be a nice guy?
One quality that I appreciate about Travis is how ~*charitable*~ he is. Doesn’t it seem like this guy is constantly giving away cash envelopes and free tow truck services to the pretty little liars? Even when Hanna offered him money for driving her friends back home, Travis was simply like “Just touching your hand is more than enough compensation for me! Next time, just put your hands somewhere else on my body~ “ So yeah, I think Travis is very generous and altruistic, I like that about him.
Hilariously enough, Travis just sits there three inches away from her, doesn’t say anything, and stares creepily at Hanna as she cries and weeps in front of him. I’ve no idea if Travis thinks he’s comforting Hanna with his *silent emotional support*, but I love that he’s behaving like such a socially awkward gremlin. It’s his most endearing character trait, heh.
I gotta laugh at the pretty little liars completely fucking up Alison’s survival odds. I mean, this girl previously got by without a scratch for the past couple of seasons, but as soon as the liars were involved, it took them approximately two episodes to put Alison’s life in great jeopardy. No wonder she didn’t tell her friends that she was alive, these bitches always do more harm than good! *alol*