The pretty little liars meet the pretty little knockoffs! Also, Hanna and Caleb break up; Ezria has yucky cabin sex; Toby’s dead mama files a lawsuit!
Yes, the Haleb doomsday has dawned upon us at last. It was only a matter of time before Hanna lost her man to that wily temptress Miranda with her seductive powers of persuasion. Just one episode after Caleb reassured Hanna Marin that HE LOVED HER FOREVER AND FORALWAYS, he comes back from Ravenswood being all *here are my divorce papers*. I mean, the egg timer hasn’t even rung yet and their relationship is already over!
THE END OF HALEB
Caleb: I missed you. I missed touching you, I missed kissing you, I missed watching you walk barefoot across the kitchen floor. I thought I’d go crazy missing you.
Caleb came back to Rosewood with every intention of splitting up with his girlfriend, but he still had the cheek to come out with such a panty-dropper line. You do not say that kind of mush to a girl unless you’re desperate for them to put out. You gotta admire how this guy has his priorities straight: “Yes, I’m about to end our relationship, but first lemme grab some nookie before I hit the road! ” was Caleb’s agenda for this episode.
Caleb’s words worked just like a charm. Hanna looked just about ready to jump his bones and do the real kinky stuff with him. Let’s get outta here and find the nearest washroom stall!
Caleb: It’s complicated.
Hanna: Y’know, you have been saying that a lot lately when you don’t want to answer a question. *imitates him* It’s complicated~
Caleb: Well, things are complicated.
Can Caleb please work on expanding his vocabulary? Instead of saying ITZ SO COMPLICATED, here are a few other alternatives that he might like to try out: “I fell in love with Miranda” or “I’m not interested in you anymore, Hanna” or “My leading role in Ravenswood pays more $$$ than my supporting role in PLL, so that’s why I’m dumping you”.
Hanna: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m glad you’re outta there.
Caleb: Hanna, I might have to go back. I HAVE TO GO BACK.
Hanna: You don’t!
Caleb: I do!
Caleb’s dialogue was so frustrating this episode because his default excuse to everything is ITZ SO COMPLICATED. While I understand the whole premise of Ravenswood is unnecessarily convoluted and we’d be here all day trying to decipher that hot mess, it still feels like a cop-out for his character to leave Pretty Little Liars without given any explanation. Did we invest four seasons into this relationship only to be told that Caleb is leaving Hanna because his spinoff show has a complicated plot? Sorry, but that’s not good enough!
Wow, thanks for the insightful explanation. I totally understand your thought process now! *rolls eyes* I mean, seriously, what the fuck. That might be the worst explanation for breaking up with somebody ever. I wanna reiterate PLL had months to prepare a coherent exit for Caleb…and this is what we end up getting. I had been so excited about the crossover potential when Ravenswood was announced, but it’s clear that managing the storylines between the two shows is too much burden for the showrunners. At this point, I feel like they should’ve just killed off Caleb in PLL and allowed Tyler Blackburn to play a brand new character in Ravenswood instead. Things would definitely be, erm, less complicated this way.
Caleb: It’s not like that!
Hanna: Like what!?
Caleb: Like what you’re thinking!
Hanna: What am I thinking!? Is this the girl I told you to look after!?
Ding ding ding! Hanna Marin buys a clue and realizes that her boyfriend isn’t simply going back to Ravenswood; he’s going back to Miranda. Worst of all, Caleb immediately denies the allegations that he had sexual relations with that woman *before* Hanna made a single accusation against him, which speaks volumes about his guilty conscience. I don’t know what voodoo enchantment spell that Miranda chick cast over him, but it’s clear this boy’s heart no longer belongs to Hanna.
Caleb: You’re not stupid! That’s not what happened!
Hanna acts like this is the BIGGEST BLINDSIDE EVER even though she practically handed over Caleb wrapped in gift paper and a big red bow on top. Gurrrrl, what did you expect? This is what happens when you give away your boyfriend to strangers like he’s a pack of gum. Here, just take him, my treat!
Caleb: I CAN’T!!!
Oh my gawd, at least have the decency to tell her “It’s not you, it’s me!” so that your girlfriend could have some closure! This episode pretty much diminished all my goodwill and respect towards Caleb’s character. I’m not too bothered that he broke up with Hanna, but it’s just the way he behaved like such a cad which really pisses me off. I mean, the guy comes strutting into town to solicit sex with his girlfriend, and then he goes strutting out of town right after breaking up with her in the next scene!
And please don’t give me any of that crap about *omg miranda needs caleb’s emotional support right now* because that’s not a legit reason at all. The only thing she needs is a bitchslap across the face for being a filthy boyfriend stealin’ ho. #dropthemic #teamhanna
Caleb: ok hanna, i’m breaking up with you bye now~
Hanna: *slams door viciously*
Caleb: Excuse me Hanna, but Ravenswood is airing right after Pretty Little Liars, so I don’t have much time to get back to my spinoff show in case there’s traffic.
Hanna: *slams door again* WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE THIS SO EASY FOR YOU???
I was standing here with one hand on my hip while snapping my fingers every time she slammed the door. YOU GO SISTAH, YOU TELL HIM OFF!
Aww Hanna! Even though I’m completely not satisfied with the way PLL mishandled the Haleb Breakup Fiasco 2014, I do feel like Hanna’s character brought some emotional punch and tried her best to make these scenes work. A reader once asked me to comment on Ashley Benson’s acting skillz, and I think the actress demonstrated here that she can be pretty solid if she’s given the right material. Most of the time, I’m too distracted by the absurdity of her storylines and/or the stupidity of her character to even notice her acting. *sweatdrop*
1.) What if Caleb finally hooks up with Miranda in Ravenswood, only to immediately go behind her back and reconcile with Hanna again!? OMG. Hey Miranda, how do you like dem apples? You wanna steal mah boyfriend? Well, two can play that game!
2.) What if Caleb decides to lead a double life in between the two shows? A girlfriend in Rosewood, a mistress in Ravenswood, and a man who has Permanentwood. Fuck yeahhh, enjoy the best of both worlds, Caleb Rivers!
SPOILER ALERT: In Season 5, we’ll see Caleb down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, snot coming out of his nose, begging and grovelling for his ex-girlfriend to take him back again. By then, plenty of us would probably be converted as Travis x Hanna believers, so I sense there’re gonna be BLOODY SHIP WARS~~~
I thought Caleb’s exit from the show might be quite poignant or very emotional. Instead, we get to watch his character squeeze out fake tears while choking up snot through his nostrils, which is the lasting piece of imagery that we’ll always remember him by. I can’t think of a more apt farewell for his character. Goodbye, Caleb Rivers! TTYL!
Okay, I’m not hatin’ or anything, but I gotta ask out of curiosity… What exactly happened in this episode that warranted millions of live tweets across the world? I mean, it wasn’t like this episode had a lot of suspenseful moments or action-packed sequences or witty one-liners that can be discussed fruitfully in the Twitterverse. I can’t imagine why all these teenage girls would turn to their computers and go like: “omg i must share my thoughts on the haleb breakup over the internet at once!!! #hashtag #hashtag #hashtag!”
Unfortunately, Toby’s DEADMAMA BS extends into the second half of the season. He gives the viewers a status report on his investigation (don’t care), in which he discovers that his mother was *killed* rather than *committed suicide* (still don’t care), but Radley tried to cover up the truth for some reason. (OMFG, do you hear that? The sound of me not caring is deafening to the ears.)
Hospital Lady: It’s all conjecture. You can’t prove any wrongdoing with what you have.
Spencer: We don’t need to prove anything. We just have to go on the Internet and say it.
LOLWTF @ Spencer’s logic. Your Honour, I don’t need to prove anything, all the evidence you need is right here inside this tweet: *Radley sux* x retweeted 114 times.
Hopefully, the public relations intern cared enough to change Toby’s name from the generic template that was used to formulate this letter: “Dear Mr. Cavanaugh, we offer our sincerest apologies for the unprofessional misconduct blah blah blah…in conclusion, please don’t file a lawsuit against us. Bye now.”
Spencer: Because nobody has even heard from him since he left town! I want to know if he’s alright!
And then, Papa Hastings made this expression because worrying about his children’s welfare must be such a foreign human concept to him. Considering he spent all those years pretending that his son never existed, why start caring now?
Spencer: I just wanna talk to him!
Peter: Suppress the urge!!!
Whoops, if only somebody gave Peter Hastings that exact piece of advice years ago, Jason wouldn’t have existed in the first place!
Jessica: People react to stress in their own ways. I’m sure you can understand why Jason needed some time by himself. He told me was gonna drive around the country, maybe stop and visit some friends in Montana. He didn’t have a set plan.
In other words, Jason is driving around, partying it up, getting *HAMMERED* and *MADDDD LAID* every single night. C’mon, we can all make an educated guess at how Jason is spending his days. It’s 2PM in the afternoon right now, and I’m guessing the guy is either deadly hungover or still passed out on a couch somewhere with each arm around a naked chick.
Jessica: “Ah, I think it’s time to change the comforter! ”
What Emily Hears Instead: “THIS BED MUST BE KEPT IN PRISTINE CONDITION UNTIL THE DAY OF ALISON DILAURENTIS’ RAPTURE!!! ”
Spencer: She still changes the sheets on Ali’s bed!?
Aria: That’s a new dimension in awkward!
Hilariously enough, as soon as Aria says that line, the camera draws back to display a full shot of her godawful pants, which look like she had a bloody accident and a bone fracture on her way to school. Yeah, talk about a new dimension in awkward! Are those pants supposed to have 3D effects when Aria wears them!?
Jessica: It wasn’t my idea. Alison suggested it.
Hanna: Wait, Ali did wha???
Jessica: She still shows up. In my dreams. She wanted me to help.
LOL~ Mama DiLaurentis is such a troll. Yeah, Alison told me to hire your mom! In mah dreams. *wink wink* Also, I love how this bitch has become so omnipresent that she even makes cameo appearances in ur dreamz. Hey there, you need career advice? Just contact Ali! *sets up dreamcatcher*
Aria: Guys, we just found out Alison is alive. She’s REALLY alive. Why am I not insanely happy?
Emily: I thought it was just me!
Are these girls kinda awful for wishing their dead friend actually remained dead? To be fair, I had the same reaction as them. IMO, Alison being alive is like taking one step forward for the mystery investigation, but a hundred steps backwards for humanity as a whole.
Emily: That’s right, Ali’s alive. She has been alive the whole time and didn’t tell us. She talks to us, but she never told us she was alive.
Remember all those times when Alison had full conversations with the pretty little liars, which were dismissed as dream sequences or drug-induced hallucinations? Or what about that specific incident when Alison made out with Emily during Season 2? She seemed pretty alive to me back then! Oh sorry, I guess Ali couldn’t give a ~*verbal confirmation*~ because she was too busy slipping her tongue into Emily’s throat.
Emily: Ali let me kiss her and I thought it was this incredible gift. Now I know it wasn’t. I realized it didn’t mean anything to her. I don’t think she ever loved anybody. I don’t think she knew how. She just collected love from other people.
Who else thinks Emily is in massive denial and only convinced herself that she hates Alison to suppress her secret feelings of lust and desire? *lol so obvious* If she had the chance, Emily would totally trample over Paige’s dead body just to lock lips with her precious Alison again.
Paige: I hate her for being so mean to you. So cruel…
Emily: Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing. I don’t think she did.
OUCH. In my opinion, this has to be one of the most brutal and vicious character assassinations that I’ve witnessed on this show. Emily certainly did not spare her words! I mean, what she said is 100% true, and Alison is indeed every bit of the soulless monstrosity that has been described to us, although it still feels relentlessly harsh to hear these words come from Emily. It’s almost like she left a *one-star review* on Alison’s human existence lol~
Alison’s counterfeit appears!
Ugh Sara. Can her character please come up with an original backstory instead of ripping off every single detail of Alison’s life? This town isn’t big enough for two teenage girls to mysteriously disappear at the same time as each other! Stay the fuck away, Sara! Ain’t nobody got time for dis counterfeit ho!
Hanna: Okay, I’ve been thinking and I have a theory!
Spencer: *startled* You have wha???
Hanna: A the-ory! You wanna hear it or not? Look, if Ali is still alive, then we should investigate the body that was buried at the GAYSBO.
Spencer: A ga-ze-bo.
No Spencer, I’m pretty sure the word should be pronounced as GAYS-BO from this moment onwards. I think we can all agree that Hanna’s pronunciation of the word sounds much more endearing, right?
Hanna: Yeah, sometimes I imagine her wet and scared in a cardboard box by some train tracks. Other times, I see her in a penthouse, dripping diamonds and laughing at us.
I can’t really decide which version of Alison I prefer more. On one hand, I wouldn’t put it past this bitch to be lounging by a pool next to a luxury mansion somewhere while her life is supposed to be in danger. On the other hand, the thought of Alison being a toothless hobo is just too good to pass up lmao. Can you imagine her living by the train tracks, eating scabs, fighting off other hobos, and killing rats that have invaded the cardboard box she calls home? YES PLEASE.
Spencer: What do you say: ‘We think your friend is in our friend’s grave’!?
Hanna: Yeah Spencer, that’s exactly what I said, duh! *sarcastic* No, I just said that we had some things in common. We can talk. It’d be like a support group thing.
That actually sounds…reasonable? Coming from…Hanna? *WHOA* Look at Professor Hanna with all her grand theories and bright ideas! Good for her! It’s obvious that PLL purposely wrote her as a smartypants this episode to counterbalance her overload of stupidity earlier this season. I’m just glad Hanna evolved into an intelligent life form again. Her character doesn’t even have to be too smart, as long as she’s lucid enough not to bury murder weapons behind sorority houses anymore!
We’ve already met Sara, the missing teen. Her other friends include: Avery, aka. the Sleeping Beauty, who couldn’t show up to the meeting because she got *so depressed* over her friend’s disappearance and is now heavily sedated with drugz & medz. Needless to say, Avery is already my favourite out of the four knockoffs because lolololol her character sounds like such a hot mess. Get ur life together gurrrrl!
Tina comes across as a major shady bitch and I totally think she was the one who killed her missing friend. You wanna know where Sara is? I BET TINA KNOWS. *suspicious eyes*
Keep in mind that Claire and Emily have met each other only a moment ago, so I’m not sure if it’s acceptable behaviour to confide in a stranger about your sociopathic tendencies???
Emily: I understand how you feel…
Claire: No, you don’t. I wished Sara was dead before she disappeared. I told you, I’m a terrible person.
WHOAAA. This conversation just took a DARK turn, y’all! Does anyone else see a toxic cesspool? Because that’s what Claire’s conscience looks like! It might be okay to think these thoughts in your head sometimes, but saying them out loud just makes you kind of an awful human being. You say shit like that, I guarantee you’ve earned yourself a one-way ticket straight to hell!
Doesn’t my version of the storyline sound much better than whatever canon crap that you’re gonna get from the show? YES PLEASE.
Mona seduces Ezra ;)
During their alone time together, it was sickening to watch that creeper Ezra lord his emotional manipulation over Aria and feed her all these empty promises & mushy BS lines. “Oh Aria, after you graduate, I would like to try and be the person you think I am!” Translation: HEY ARIA, CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE LEGAL. I GOT SOME BIG KINKY PLANS FOR YOU ON YOUR 18TH BIRTHDAY~
I must make a secret confession though… I’m actually looking forward to Ezra’s scenes now, just a little, if only to see how much of an evil creeper he can be. GURL, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT ME AND I’M NOT PROUD OF IT! I wouldn’t go as far to say that I enjoy Ezra’s character, but yeah he has gotten slightly more nuanced and interesting than I care to admit. I even noticed his actor seems more engaged in these scenes now, whereas Ian Harding was kinda phoning it in during the past couple of seasons, so I’m not the only one pleased with the new direction of his character.
Mona: *batting eyelashes at Ezra* Spencer and Emily think you’re the best. So does Aria. *coyly* I’m a little…envious.
LMFAOHHHHH! MONA. VANDERWAAL. GIVES. ME. SO. MUCH. LYFE. I wish you guys could see me right now, practically dying from hysterical laughter. I had to wipe a tear away from my eye when Mona said she was ‘envious’. This bitch is just constantly TOO DAMN MUCH.
Mona: Of the other girls! The support they get… How they depend on you… Makes me think how much better I’d be doing if I found the right mentor!
DAT FACE!!! LMFAO. Did you see that absolutely LECHERLOUS look on Ezra’s face, the pursed lips, those hungry eyes, oh my dear god, I think he just squirted out a little bit of jizz!? I’ve never seen Ezra make that kind of expression before, not even around Aria! He let his mask slip for a moment and what we see is an expression of PURE LUST. That face right there, ladies and gentlemen, reveals EVERYTHING you need to know about Ezra’s true character. He wants jailbait, he wants dat jailbait baaaaad!
Mona: Maybe it’s the books you have us read? All the masks and secret identities. That reading list is very revealing, if you know what to look for.
EZRA IS BUSTED~~~ Fuck yeah, what could be better than watching Mona *OWNING* this mofo left and right!? Did I mention yet how much I love this bitch??? I love her sooooo much.
OMGWTF. DAT MONOLOGUE. I AM GETTING **CHILLS** Y’ALL. Ezra sounds like an evil supervillain giving a final speech at the podium right before he slays half of humanity and conquers the world. Like holy shit, this mofo ain’t playing around! He’s such a baddie! (…and I secretly love it!!!)
Aria: Ezra, I have to ask you a question… What do you want?
Ezra: Right now, a time machine.
OH MY GOD, IS ARIA NOT YOUNG ENOUGH FOR YOU ALREADY??? WHY DO YOU NEED A TIME MACHINE, YA GONNA GO BACK IN TIME TO BANG A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD ARIA BEHIND THE MIDDLE SCHOOL!? EZRA YOU DISGUSTING SICKO, JUST HOW LOW WILL YOU GO!?!?
Aria: Someone might say we’re the big mistake.
Ooh! Me! Me me me! It was me! I said that! I said Ezria was a big mistake! *raises hand* But seriously, who is Aria trying to delude? Just about everyone watching this show has said that the two of them are THE BIG MISTAKE. I said it, you said it, he said it, she said it, President Obama said it, and even four out of five dentists have said that Ezria is a big mistake.
Keep in mind that Aria still hasn’t broken up with Jake yet, so technically she’s cheating on her boyfriend right now. The biggest problem in this scenario, besides Aria obviously being a two timin’ hoor, is that in what world would you cheat on a guy like JAKE with somebody like EZRA? Just to reiterate: she’s choosing to have a *relationship* with Jake, while she’s choosing to have *physical intimacy* with Ezra. Um, not to sound shallow, but shouldn’t it be the other way around? You put these two guys side-by-side, and normally you think the logical conclusion here is to have a relationship with Ezra and cheat on him with that hottie Jake instead!