HALLOWEEN SPECIAL TIME! Welcome to the Ravenswood edition of Pretty Little Liars! Or more like an episode of Ravenswood featuring the pretty little liars as very special guest stars.
In this Halloween special, Pretty Little Liars used the episode to showcase their new spinoff show Ravenswood, while Hanna Marin decided to use the episode to showcase HER BREASTS. Oh my goodness, she shoved DEM PUPPIES into each and every single camera she could find. This girl was running around town with THOSE TITTAYS practically falling out of her dress. I couldn’t focus on anything that happened with the plot because all I cared about were DESE BOOBS.
I want to give everyone a heads-up that I’ll be talking about Hanna’s boobs throughout the recap since they’re the undisputed stars of the episode. Everywhere her boobs went, my eyes followed. Whenever the boobs showed up on screen, they had my full captivated attention. If Hanna was in danger at any point, I would gladly throw my own body in front of her to shield those boobies from harm’s way. Her magnificent breasts are, without a doubt, my new reason for living.
I have to admit, it’s a bit of a stretch to call this the Halloween special when the episode doesn’t even take place in Halloween. And it’s also a stretch to consider this a full-fledged episode of Pretty Little Liars when 50% of the plot revolves around that Ravenswood nonsense. At certain parts, it felt like I was watching a sponsored commercial because there were so many of dem Ravenswood plugs. We get it, you have a new show airing immediately after PLL…and we still don’t wanna watch it no matter how much you shove it down our throats!
Caleb: I’M COMING TO RESCUE YOU HANNA! *sits through twenty bus stops along the way*
I guess Caleb was too cheap to afford the gas money for the road trip or even pay for the cab fare? I love you Hanna, but I need to be economical about my transportation choices! *lol*
1.) Lemme preface by saying that I actually don’t hate Miranda, but she’s pretty much a human disaster lol. This chick is a bundle of issues and insecurities, y’know? We need to make a list just to keep track of how many personality flaws she has.
2.) With that said, the Miranda we meet in PLL is 100x more interesting than her counterpart on Ravenswood. I was so excited to watch Miss Miranda make a total fool out of herself in her new spinoff show, but she’s basically reduced to being a plot device after the first episode.
Miranda: The dude in Row 26 is creeping me out, soooo I tried sitting next to the driver but he doesn’t have any food on him and I am starving!
Caleb: ok cool story bro, now stfu
Miranda: This freak on the last bus was soooo annoying. He kept telling me he looked like Ryan Gosling in a certain light. And I’m like dude, carry that light with you because in this light you look like Shrek!
Caleb: ok cool story bro, BUT SERIOUSLY STFU!!!
In my opinion, it would have been an AMAZING TWIST if Miranda was also a secret illegitimate bastard child of Jamie Doyle, which makes her the sister that Caleb never knew he had. Of course, the amazing part is that we won’t make this revelation until after Caleb and Miranda have finished hooking up, and then we spend the entire Ravenswood series watching the fallout of their incestuous relationship~ Bwhahaha, I love how my twisted imagination works sometimes.
Ridiculously enough, the writers demonstrated there’s a ~*romantic connection*~ between Caleb and Miranda by making their characters as IDENTICAL to each other as possible. Hey look, the two of them came from foster homes! Look, they’re both teenage runaways! And look, they even have the same hairstyles! Just look, look, look at all their similarities! THEY’RE SO MUCH ALIKE = THEY MUST BE SOULMATES~~~
I honestly can’t tell whether that is a look of affectionate longing or a look of steely determination in Miranda’s eyes. Either way, dis bitch wants sum!!!
Caleb: My girlfriend.
Miranda: *wishful* You guys had some kind of fight?
Caleb: No, I’m angry at myself for letting her go to Ravenswood.
Miranda: You worried she’s hooking up with somebody else???
ROFL~ MIRANDA IS SUCH A ROTTEN BITCH. I love that all her questions are thinly veiled attempts to undermine Caleb’s relationship while simultaneously turning him against his girlfriend. “Hey, u guise had a fight??? ” *nudge nudge* “Bro, she definitely cheated on u already! ” *nudge nudge* Oh Miranda, I see what you did there! Keep stirring until you finally manage to break them up!
Miranda: Oh, your girlfriend isn’t answering your calls? How unfortunate! *puts on chapstick* Lemme just get ready then~
I gotta say, it’s an interesting decision to introduce Miranda as a love interest while Caleb and Hanna are still dating. It’s not typical to turn the leading actress of your new spinoff show into a BOYFRIEND STEALER, not unless you wanna piss off the viewers and make them resent your main character. Personally, I love it, watching Miranda lust after Hanna’s BF provides great dramatic tension/comedic material. But I bet there must be lots of fans who *H8* Miranda for being a filthy skank ho who snatched Caleb away from the loving bosom of Hanna.
Outraged PLL fans: “Fuck dat Miranda and fuck her Ravenswood show! Not watching! ”
Miranda: So, the creep from Row 26 fell asleep and he has a huge bag of chips. Do you think we can get away with stealing them?
Okay, what the serious fuck Miranda!? What did this innocent man ever do to you!? Take a look at the poor guy, he’s probably some homeless bum whose most valued possession is that bag of corn chips in his hands. Those chips might be his only food rations for the rest of the week. And now you wanna snatch that away from him!? What kind of lowlife steals from the less fortunate!? PLZ GROW A CONSCIENCE ASAP, MIRANDA!!!
Later on, it was revealed this man is one of dem dead ghost ppl who randomly pops up in the Halloween episodes…which makes it funnier because these corn chips were probably his snack on his way to hell. NOM NOM NOM.
…and then two seconds later, Miranda was like *lol jk this isn’t my stop* so she sits back down beside Caleb again lolololol. If I was the bus driver, I would’ve totally cussed out this indecisive passenger for wasting my time. Make up yer mind before you tell me to stop the vehicle!
Miranda: Go ahead. Find your girlfriend. I’ll be okay.
Caleb: Well, you have my number.
Miranda: And you have mine. Call me later, u stud~
The two of them exchange a platonic farewell, and Miranda does this weird gesture where she pokes his forehead with her index finger. She says it’s an old tradition to ward off evil spirits, and he’s like ORLY?, and then she’s like “nah jk i’m just making shit up as usual~” lolololol dis bitch.
Ravenswood hat party!
Hanna: We go up there and we ask this scumbag if he’s A!!! *shakes fist*
It turns out his character was just one of dem rejected misfits from dat basic ass show Ravenswood. His cameo appearance was nothing more than yet another pointless sponsored plug. “Hey PLL fans! How many more of these unnecessary Ravenswood plugs do you think we can squeeze in between now and the next commercial break???” UGH. DO NOT WANT.
Sidebar: omg remember in the last Halloween special, Ezra showed up at the end of the episode being all: I DROVE ALONG THE TRAIN TRACKS SINCE I WAS SOOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU ARIA. *lolololol* dis bitch.
Spencer: Just don’t tell him too much.
Aria: *answers phone* Hey there! Look, it’s not actually a great time. I’m standing in a graveyard.
Ezra: You what???
Aria: I’m in Ravenswood, I’ll call you later.
lol @ Aria blurting out everything right after Spencer warned her not to say too much. Would you like me to repeat the GPS coordinates of our location, Ezra?
Also, I’m not sure where they obtained their clothes in the middle of the night while stranded in the middle of nowhere? We must assume Spencer keeps a ~*costume box*~ in the back of her car for these special fashion emergencies!
By the way, I’m absolutely loving Spencer’s ensemble this episode. This is the kind of extravagant outfit that you can’t help but create an ~*imaginary backstory*~ to go along with her persona. Imagine: the year is 1915, and Miss Spencer Hastings is a well-to-do aristocrat who just returned from a sombre evening at the funeral parlour. But…nobody knows yet that she was the SECRET MURDERER who poisoned her auntie’s tea to get her claim on the family inheritance! *coyly puts on her bereavement hat*
The magical world of Pretty Little Liars
Could Alison at least try to pretend that she’s dead? For somebody who went through all that trouble to fake her own death, she isn’t doing a very good job at maintaining the illusion. It honestly seems like her character appears in every other episode and she shows up at just about EVERYWHERE. Earlier today, I think I saw Alison in front of me while we were lining up at the hot dog stand! Gurrrrl, you’re supposed to keep a low profile!
Aria: Where did she go!? O_O
Hanna: We were ten seconds behind her!
Aria: How did A get her out of here without us seeing it!?
You’d think these girls would wise up to Alison’s magical teleportation skillz after witnessing the exact same disappearing act for the past dozens of time. Too bad the pretty little liars are such silly oblivious Muggles, they will never learn. *sighs*
Honestly, I felt like I was watching Harry Potter with all the *secret corridors* and *invisible trapdoors* and *mysterious apparitions*. The worst part has got to be that overused gimmick where one of the characters would just suddenly vanish in the blink of an eye. Poof! And they’re gone! Oh my goddd, I cannot count the number of times when these magical disappearances kept happening during the episode. I’m all for the *lolwtfz* but this was just ridiculous as hell!
Aria: Where’s that wind coming from!?
Spencer: There must be an open door somewhere!
Let’s face it, even the wind is working for The A Team at this point. In the near future, we can expect to see A unleash a level-10 typhoon directly into the pretty little liars’ paths.
Did the wind blow Hanna away to the opposite end of the corridor!? Did she disappear through a secret trapdoor behind the wall!? And where did that statue even come from!? A logical explanation would be nice here, Pretty Little Liars!
Hanna meets Miranda
This new path leads her into a funeral home of all places, which makes as much sense as everything else that has happened so far. Next time, I wouldn’t be surprised if the pretty little liars enter a secret tunnel in Ravenswood and ends up exiting through a small fisherman’s village in China.
While she’s locked in the booth, this is the perfect opportunity for PLL to continue throwing more horror movie clichés at Hanna’s character. Inexplicable flashing lights! Alarming phone ring! Muffled noise through the phone receiver! As expected, the PLL writers used just about every gimmicky scare tactic they could think of during this Halloween special.
BTW: if any of you ever find yourselves in a perilous situation where a telephone receiver is your only weapon, you’re probably better off just using your fists instead. Please boost your survival odds and don’t emulate Hanna’s fighting strategy!
Hanna: How do I know you weren’t the one who locked me in the phone booth? You could be from here. Maybe you were trying to kill me.
Miranda: If I was trying to kill you, I’d do better than a phone booth.
WAS THAT A DEATH THREAT??? OMG, this Miranda chick is so *ruthless* when it comes to eliminating the competition!
Hehe, Miranda made a funny~ That is actually the perfect description of Hanna’s outfit. *lol* And for the record, I’m sure Hanna won’t have to worry about drowning on The Titanic. They can practically use her bust as an extra life raft.
Miranda: I told people I wasn’t at my parents’ funeral because I don’t wanna talk about it. I guess I said it so often that I started believing it myself.
I know we all grieve in different ways, but is this really a normal human response? You’d think that telling people how you DIDN’T go to your parents’ funeral would only lead to more questions and uncomfortable conversations. And how often do you have to lie to yourself in order to forget that you attended your own parents’ funeral? Wowee, this Miranda chick sure has ISSUES~~~
Of course it gets even sadder once Miranda’s uncle consoles his niece by being like: “You may think you reached the lowest point of your life here at your parents’ funeral, but just wait until I abandon you and hurl your ass into foster care right afterwards, ohohohoho~”
Hanna: Stay here. Help her find her uncle. And then find me when you get home.
1.) I love that Hanna was the one who suggested somebody needs to look after Miranda, but that somebody is certainly *not* gonna be her. Yeah, I ain’t gonna volunteer to stay in this creepy ass town, no thanks! Hey Caleb, you do it! That’s what boyfriends are for!
3.) Just remember, they had the entire episode (no, the entire SEASON) to come up with a legitimate reason for Caleb to move away to Ravenswood, and this is the best they could come up with. lolfail~
Oh my god, they even did that thing where you say out the person’s full name in your Declaration of Love, which almost always indicates this relationship is FINITO. Sorry Haleb fans, but you know this is already the beginning of the end!
You see, Hanna’s biggest problem is that she sees Miranda as an amicable friend rather than her love rival. She doesn’t think of that girl as a threat, plus she has an irrational amount of faith in Caleb, so that’s why she willingly sent her boyfriend straight into the lion’s den. Unfortunately, it won’t take long before that temptress Miranda finishes her wily seduction over Caleb. Just look at the uncontainable glee on her face, oh my god, I’ve a feeling this boyfriend bandit will show Hanna absolutely NO MERCY.
Aria: A door in a crypt that leads to a tunnel that comes up inside a mansion… What kind of zoning laws does this town have?
Emily: It could be from the Prohibition! Maybe even the Underground Railroad!
Okayyyy, calm down there Emily. This underground passage basically transported the liars from the Ravenswood cemetery all the way to the Ravenswood funeral parlour next door, so I highly doubt Harriet Tubman had much use for the shortest escape route ever.
Before Emily could tumble down from a two-storey fall and break all her bones in the process, that shard of glass above the window suddenly goes kaploosh and nearly splices off Emily’s neck. Whoopsies!
During the fight, Ezra turns out to be a surprisingly weak bitch who promptly gets his ass handed to him by a scrawny teenage girl. *lolpwnt* She was just aout to reveal Ezra’s identity by pulling off his mask……but then he was like BOO! I’M ALIVE! which scared Spencer so much that she fell onto a table and knocked herself unconscious. Ugh, leave it to Ezra to pull off a cowardly ~*bitch move*~ like that during a fight, why am I not surprised?
Grunwald: It’s what I feel… One of you has been touched by the one that Alison fears the most!
LMAOHHHHH. It’s just her wording that kills me the most, i.e. HEY ARIA U GOT TOUCHED DOWN THERE HEHE~
Part of me almost expected to see a tied-up Alison squirming and struggling inside the trunk of the car. Ezra is just THAT cweepy.
Alison is alive, bitches!
We finally, finally, finally get a direct confirmation where the show admits Alison is alive. None of this *fleeting shot of a red jacket* or *blurry reflection from a mirror* bullshit that was shown to us for the past couple of seasons. The viewers actually get to see Alison’s face in-person, head-on, straight-up & full-frontal! There’s no way for PLL to backtrack and deny it anymore: BITCH. IS. ALIVE.
Alison: Hey bitches! Did you miss me?
Pretty Little Liars:
Alison: I don’t have much time, it’s still not safe for me to be here.
Pretty Little Liars:
Alison: Look, I wanna come home, but you have to help me!
Pretty Little Liars:
Ezra: *pops up* hey guise, what did i miss?
Pretty Little Liars:
NO. JUST NO. *immediately turns the TV off*