It has finally happened, you guys. Ezra is the big bad. OMFG. Pretty Little Liars actually went ahead and made him A. All along, we knew Ezra behaved like an evil creep, but now there’s concrete proof that he’s a child molestin’, teen rapin’, serial killin’ EVIL CREEP. I feel like my four years of hating his character have finally been vindicated! Now I can rest easy at night knowing our side is perfectly good and Ezra’s side is morally bankrupt.
Heh heh heh. I cannot wait until JUDGMENT DAY arrives and the VILLAIN NAMED EZRA will finally get the COMEUPPANCE that he deserves! ~*celebration time*~
Now…are you ready for Recap Everything to deliver many dark yet righteous truths about Ezra? YOU BETTER BE READY. *opens curtains dramatically* Let us begin.
Mama Marin is FREED!
Mama Marin #1: Pick me! I am the real Ashley Marin!
Mama Marin #4: STFU impostor! Everyone knows the bonafide Ashley is actually me!
Mama Marin #5: Hi guys! I am not the real Ashley Marin, but I am her TWIN SISTER ZOMG.
Mama Marin #10: And I am the real Ashley Marin FROM THE FUTURE ZOMG.
Mama Marin #77: I…am…the…robot…version…of…Ashley…Marin. *beep beep beep*
Police: Welcome to the final round, Contestant Travis! Only one of those women contains the winning prize. If you choose anybody else, you will be going home empty-handed. You have thirty seconds to make your decision. Good luck. *game show music plays*
1.) “Thanks for giving that statement, Travis! As your reward, I promise you here’s my daughter’s hand in marriage~”
2.) Just how long before Ashley goes back to her old ways and starts stealin’ and blowin’ her way through the criminal underbelly again? I’m guessing within 24 hours of her release, Tom Marin will find a full round of bullets shot through his body. Yeah, don’t pay my bail money now bitch~~~
Caleb: Mrs. Marin, you didn’t deserve any of this, but I’ve watched the way you handled it. Hanna never settles. When she goes after something, she’s fearless. Now I know where she gets that. You never break!
Ashley: Caleb, after all we’ve been through, you can call me Ashley.
OMG CALEB IS SUCH A FUCKING SUCK-UP. “heehee mrs. marin ur daughter is amazing but u r even more amazing to give her dem genes~ ” Dude, everybody in the Marin family already loves you! You don’t need to be this excessive with your arse licking!
Caleb: *nods head* Well, my job here is done. I can move on to the next life without regrets. Hanna ain’t my problem anymore!
Travis *nods head* Don’t worry, bro! I will prove to be a worthy successor as Hanna’s new love interest!
teehee it was so symbolic~ As if Caleb was passing the love interest baton over to Travis!
Hanna: Ted may have the patience of a saint, but he’s still a man. He has been waiting a while!
Most awkward thing to say to your mother ever? *lol* Whatever, Mama Marin is a sexy slut who can fucking get some! YOU GO GURL~
Emily tries to speak French
Does anyone find it random as hell that CeCe is suddenly accused of these major crimes + 786 other offences on the show? I feel as though her character was barely on this season, but everyone else speaks about her like *she killed dis!* and *she attacked dat!*. She only showed up last episode being all HEY GUISE IT’S FINALLY MY TIME TO SHINE and then immediately afterwards she gets accused of ~*breaking news murder*~ lol.
More importantly, I wanna know why this text message is marked with just “-A” instead of “Kisses, A”! This season, our tormentor uses a special signature, being almost as generous with their ~*kisses*~ as Aria Montgomery. Did Ezra not catch the memo that the text messages are written differently in Season 4? What a n00b.
Emily and Paige are searching for Mona at the French club in school. They encounter this SNOBBY BITCH who won’t tell Emily anything unless she communicates in French. Non non, en français s’il vous plait! This leads to a horrifyingly *DERPY* moment from Emily who tries speaking French through a translator app on her phone, but somehow ends up speaking in an undiscovered ancient Nordic language instead.
omg so derpy. *lolcringe* Bonjour Emily, the French embassy just called, your butchery of the language is considered an UNHOLY ACT OF TERRORISM and the people of France would like to ban you permanently from their country. Merci beaucoup!
Jackie: Non non! In here, you must call me by my code name Jaqueline!
Somebody let this bitch know she doesn’t need to adopt a made-believe persona when she speaks a different language. In one sentence, Jackie already manages to come across as pretentious and fairly delusional. How can she possibly not be an instant favourite of Recap Everything?
P.S. Considering how the French Club hosted a ~*welcome back party*~ to celebrate Mona’s ~*court appointed time-out*~, it’s possible that every single club member = secret French operatives of The A Team.
Toby cries over #deadmama
We find out that Wren is moving back to London, baby! Here’s a scene of Shana helping him pack in his house while Wren is nowhere in sight.
We get this contrived moment when Shana *pretends* to drop a piece of mail so that Toby can pick it up and let the viewers know about Wren’s whereabouts. That sheet of paper actually fell IN FRONT of Shana and she still pretended not to notice it lmao. I have no idea why PLL couldn’t simply tell us that Wren is moving away to London through dialogue, but I appreciate how they used the most hilariously contrived and unnecessarily complicated way to communicate this plot point.
Or better yet, send the pretty little liars to England but then Emily gets lost in the airport and is stranded in France forever, hehehe~
Toby: I dunno, but it looks like your ex-boyfriend is moving in with his ex-fiancée.
Spencer: Why would they keep that a secret?
Toby: Because he is your ex-boyfriend? *glares*
LMAO TOBY IS SOOOOO BITCHY. Like, that jab was completely uncalled for. He’s behaving like such a jealous little madam. *lol* I don’t mean to keep associating his character with the female ovulation cycle, but it seriously seems like he has been on permanent menstruation this season. Just take one of Spencer’s pads and suck it up Toby, oh my god!
I’m sorry Spoby fans, but it’s clear as crystal that Spencer will never never never be the #1 Woman in Toby’s life. Let’s compare how many lockets she received from Toby, shall we???? *whoops zero*
Or is this just my subconscious desire to see Toby dead? *lol jk* Deep down in my mushy parts, I still desperately want to like Toby’s character even though the deadmama bullshit has made it impossible to do so. He just needs better material to work with, and this suicide attempt storyline is sympathetic enough to get the viewers back on his side again. So when you see Toby hurl himself off a clock tower in Season 5, all credit goes to me!
Spencer: You…you can’t just disappear like that. Okay? Not anymore. Not after what happened last time. *tears up * When I worry about A getting a hold of you, or hurting you, or worse. I have a real picture of what that looks like in my mind!
OMG SO EMOSH~ Spencer brings it to a scene as always and has already made a bigger emotional impact within this storyline than Toby has in twelve episodes.
Spencer: Well, not for me, you weren’t!
Toby: When I used to think the walls are closing in, I’d take off. But this time, I stayed. For you.
BRA-FUCKIN’-VO TOBY CAVANAUGH! STANDING OVATION FOR YOU. *clap clap clap* Did you hear that, everyone!? He STAYED. Inside his apartment. Wanking over his dead mama mementos. FOR Spencer. While avoiding all her calls. Without contacting her even once. His girlfriend must feel sooooo special right now. *rolls eyes*
Aria cheats on Jake
Aria: *starry gaze* OMG. HE’S TALKING ABOUT EZRIA HEHE.
BARRRRRF. Please tell Ezria to stop ruining Shakespeare’s work with their sordid romance! Of course, Ezra knows fully well that some hokey pokey *lit analysis* is what makes Aria’s G-spot ticks, so he got the girl exactly where he wants her. He even tells Miss Montgomery to stay after class to lord more of his evil emotional manipulation over her. Fortunately, Aria was strong enough to tell Ezra that he’s getting *FRIEND-ZONED* lolpwnt~
Aria: Are we still on for tonight? There’s this poetry reading at The Brew. They’re calling him the contemporary Poe…
Jake: wut another nite of not getting laid. SORRY ARIA I AM GOING THRU A TUNNEL. BZZZZT. I AM LOSING THE SIGNAL SO WE HAVE TO CANCEL OUR DATE BYEEEE~~~
A poetry reading is such an *ARIA ACTIVITY*. Oh, this bitch would think 3 hours of listening to some rhythms & rhymes is her idea of a wild night out. LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED WITH A LIMERICK YO!!!
No, the real problem is how terribly mismatched Jake and Aria are together. I know she likes his muscles and he likes her…I dunno what he sees in her, maybe he digs chicks with a bundle of neurotic issues? Anyway, once you look past the superficial stuff, you’ll realize that Aria has nothing in common with Jake. THIS IS NOT AN EZRIA ENDORSEMENT, but she really should be dating a fellow literary nerd instead of some uncultured meathead jock.
Jake: *yawns* Honestly, I could use the rest.
NO ARIA, WHAT JAKE NEEDS IS SOME *NOOKIE*. This fool didn’t come here for the coffee or the black and white movies or the poetry readings. You know the only reason he arrives at her house every single time is for the off-chance that Aria will put out one night. Let’s see if Jake will still claim to be tired as soon as she starts fondling with his peepee~
LMAOHHHHHH. OMFG DIS BITCH. Aria just can’t help herself, can she!? Gimme kisses! Gimme more! Gimme Ezra! Gimme Jake! Gimme more men! Gimme dem all! It’s like there’s some kind of lust demon inside her that Aria can’t repress. She tries going against her true nature, but at the end a slut always gotta
Poor, poor Jake. He severely underestimated how serious the Ezria addiction would be. Aria is just madly, hopelessly, and shamelessly addicted to Ezra and she will NEVAH be cured.
Aria: I just cheated on Jake. SO WHAT? Hehehe. #sorry #notsorry
In conclusion: dogs bark, cows moo, and Aria kisses. She kisses lots and lots and lots of boys. I guess we’ll just have to accept all of these things as the ~*natural way of life*~.
Aria kills CeCe Drake!
The purpose of this musical montage is to showcase the four PLL couples and giving their fans enough material to wank over during the hiatus. Look at Caleb sniffing Hanna’s hair! Look at Emily resting on Paige’s boob! Look at Toby and Spencer being all ANGSTY over their relationship! OH GOSH SUCH ROMANTIC SCENES~~~ and then this is juxtaposed by Aria acting like da slut as she jumps onto Ezra’s bones, hey-o! *lol*
Aria: I get the magic 8-ball connection, but I don’t understand the saw.
Spencer: *rapidly* Well, it’s debatable, but most people give credit to Torrini for being the first illusionist to saw a woman in two. And when I saw Criss Angel do it, the top half of the woman crawled away. It was totally twisted, but it turned out that he just used this woman with sacral agenesis, which is this congenital-
ok cool story bro, now stfu spencer~
What happens in Rosewood *stays* in Rosewood! GTFO RAVENSWOOD U R NOT WORTHY.
I’m not too enthusiastic about this magic show because we only see this one trick: *make shit disappear and make shit reappear again*. Okay yawn, that basically describes what happens in every other PLL episode anyway. I would have liked to see that trick where someone gets cut into like eight different pieces and then the magician puts the body parts back together using magic glue. Is that a real thing? Please tell me that’s a real magic trick and not just me conveying my homicidal tendencies out loud again.
Aria: Me? No way! Really, I just don’t do boxes. *shoves Spencer in front of her* Here, take her! She loves magic.
lmao @ Aria immediately throwing her friend under the bus~~~ What, there’s a life-endangering magic act!? Here, I choose to sacrifice Spencer! See ya, don’t wanna be ya!
Okay let’s face it, every single person in attendance knows about the kidnapping plot and they’re ALL working for The A Team~~~ This is totes a staged studio audience that A prepared beforehand.
Here’s this poor girl trapped inside a box, locked down by chains, and quickly moving on a conveyor belt that takes her to the RAZOR BLADE OF DOOM. *lolololol* Pretty Little Liars never fails to come up with sick twisted creative ways to torture these girls, and this might be the most deranged scenario yet! It just goes to show you the people writing this show are insane maniacs and I LOVE IT.
Spencer: OMFG EMILY IS ABOUT TO DIE!!!
Aria: OMFG WHAT DO WE DO!?
Hanna: OMFG OMFG OMFG!!! *runs around in circles waving arms frantically in the air*
Alison: DESE. DUMB. BITCHES. OMFGGGG.
Finally, Alison gets so fed up with these girls’ stupidity that she comes back from the dead just to hit the OFF SWITCH to the conveyor belt. *lol most obvious solution ever*
1.) Fortunately, Aria has gained enough EXP Points from her karate classes to qualify as an official ~*street fighter*~, so she easily serves CeCe’s ass on a platter. I gotta say, I’m mucho impressed with this badass version of Aria(‘s stunt double). Seeing this petite little girl throw these big karate chops & deadly low kicks is kind of awesome! YOU GO GURL, BEAT HER ASS DOWN, HIYAHHHH!!!
2.) Ok let’s get real, who else was totally surprised that Aria learned some *LEGIT* kung-fu skills at the dojo? Biggest surprise ever? I thought the only karate belt that she’d be yanking comes attached with Jake’s foreskin.
CeCe: *hanging onto Aria’s arm for dear life* HELP ME ARIA! PLEASE SAVE MY LIFE!
Aria: Hey CeCe, watch what I can do! *flings her off* lolwhoops
CeCe: NOOO~~~ *plummets instantly to her death* splat.
Aria: u got pwnt bitch
Hanna: You tried to save her. Look Aria, this is not your fault!
That’s the kind of line you’d say to someone when you think they’re ~at least~ partially at fault, amirite? Whatever, I’m totally putting this one in Aria’s kill tally nonetheless. What a badass.
Don’t worry, I know CeCe isn’t actually dead. Her character just respawned back to the start of the level since she lost all her Health Points in this round. *press Y button to continue playing*
Ezra’s evil lair *DUN DUN DUN*
Before we venture on, I must warn you that we’re about to enter a very dark and dodgy place. Skulls, skeletons, body parts, toenail clippings, nudes, snuff films, sex toys, lubricant, rubber suits, who knows what we’ll find inside Ezra’s crypt? The possibility for evil to foster is endless beyond belief. Some of the things you see might shock you to the core. Our innocence could be lost, our childhood memories could be jeopardized, and our lives will never be the same time again. Brace yourselves, everybody. Make sure you follow the tour guide and don’t get lost, because you may not be able to find your way home again. Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN~~~
1.) Ezra is like the evil Batman, isn’t he? He is the Anti-Batman, if you will. Both are secret billionaire geniuses who monitor crime with their cutting edge gadgets & technologies. Except Ezra’s mama dropped him on his head when he was a baby, so that’s why he turned out so dark and twisted instead.
2.) Apparently, Ezra has surveillance systems to monitor the police, the streets, and even the girls’ home alarms. If he had that kind of advanced technology implemented, then OBVIOUSLY he set up at least 6 different bathroom cams inside each of the girls’ homes. Yeah, there’s probably not a single inch of the liars’ naked bodies that Ezra hasn’t seen on camera before~
4.) It’s pretty much confirmed that Ezra = Board Shorts, right? He was the older guy that Alison was seeing. He was the one who got the bitch pregnant. He was the one threatening to kill her afterwards. U guise, I never thought of Pretty Little Liars as such a **sinister** show. I thought this was just an innocent TV program about four girls and the ridiculous outfits that they wear. And suddenly, bam! There’re layers and layers of disturbing revelations about a pedo murderer and his unsuspecting teenage victims~
6.) The pretty little liars are still like *omg i am now 65% sure that Alison is alive!* even though A has posted every instance of Alison’s cameo appearances on the murder board. Can these girls please get with the program here? Yes yes, Alison is alive, we’ve established this since the last season finale, let’s move on already.
8.) Apparently, Ezra started his own evil corporation. CeCe is (erm…was) one of Ezra’s employees and got paid a decent $2000 per month just for dressing up in a red jacket and threatening the pretty little liars! Sweet gig if you ask me! Is Ezra hiring for a replacement? I’m available for freelance tormenting work!
OMG DESE GURRRRLS. They spend the entire season running around chasing after that one measly photo or that one irrelevant piece of evidence, but as soon as they stumbled upon this goldmine of information, they’re all *herpyderp* and *imma turn a blind eye to the evidence in front of me*.
Grunwald: I have a gift of INSIGHT. I was helping Alison **SEE** who was threatening her.
Let’s clarify that Lady Grunwald doesn’t just see, she Sees with a capital ‘S’ mmmkay? Alright, lemme just say what we’re all thinking: can the show producers please take all this STUPID SUPERNATURAL SHITE over to the trash heap that is Ravenswood and keep this crap off Pretty Little Liars!? No more ghosts or evil spirits or random women who claim to be clairvoyants, that’s not what I watch PLL for. And back in the day, we burn witches like Lady Grunwald, so please take your freaky powers out of my face, thank you!
OMGGGG. This was such a MAJOR PLL MOMENT, y’all! It felt so spooky and surreal at the same time. Holy shit, I still get the **CHILLS** when I watch Alison crawl out of the ground like a zombie!
But looking past all that, I’m quite excited about Alison being alive! The bitch is back, y’all! You thought you got rid of her, but this undead monster has returned to the living world to terrorize humanity once more. She was already hilarious within moments of being rescued, being all “thx for saving my life but i gotta go now byeeeees~” I mean, she just spent hours being buried underground with a bloody gashing head injury, but she was still like *fuq da hospital i’m outta here peace out!*. WHAT A BADASS.