By now, Toby has completely lost the plot in regards to his dead mama investigation. This sad sack is running around town like a depraved strung out junkie, searching high and low for more of dem dead mama clues. *peers inside dumpster* Are you in there, ma? *looks under bridge* Where are you, mommy!? *crawling through underground sewers* GIMME MOAR DEADMAMA CLUES. I NEED MOAR DEADMAMA.
#deadmama drama in progress
Marion: (singing) Twinkle twinkle little star~~~
Toby: *already sobbing hysterically*
Spencer: Aw Tobs, cheer up! We can sing along!
Spencer: Toby, do you understand what is happening!?
Sadly, I don’t think anyone understands what is happening with this storyline. I mean, does Toby win a prize if he solves this dead mama mystery? Will Mama Cavanaugh come back to life as a zombie at the end of all this? Ugh, who am I kidding, of course the bitch is alive. Just watch Pretty Little Liars pull some shit where Toby’s mother pops up in the season finale and she’ll be like *lol suckers i was in hiding with alison all along*.
Emily: Every time Toby calls, you leave the room, your mood changes…
Hanna: Are you pregnant?
Emily: Shut up, Hanna.
Oh my god, think of how much better their scenes would be if the secret that Toby & Spencer were hiding was a ~*teenage pregnancy*~ instead. And when Marion Jr. is born, her daddy and mommy could tell her about the story where she was conceived through tepid rebound sex in a dinky motel room.
Spencer: I promised him… *three seconds later* But A has been giving Toby gifts too. Toby’s mother might have been murdered.
I love how Spencer was like *IMMA HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO BROADCAST EVERY DETAIL OF TOBY’S DIRTY LAUNDRY* even after Toby spent five consecutive episodes making her promise not to say anything to the other girls. Deep down, I think Spencer secretly wanted to sabotage the dead mama investigation just so this storyline would finally be over.
I hope all of you love Lt. Tanner’s character as much as I do. I enjoy her in the same way that I enjoy rooting for the villains in Disney movies. She’s just so ridiculously sly and hilariously conniving for a police detective. She goes out of her way to antagonize the pretty little liars for no other reason than to make them squirm. This bitch always delivers in every cameo and she never fails to make me laugh.
My favourite thing about Lt. Tanner is that she talks, like this, as if she inserts commas, in the middle of, every, sentence. The way she speaks is like opening a door very, very slowly just to drag out the drama of her words. And every time you think she’s finished speaking, she manages to sneak in one more underhanded remark at the very last second. I love the ~*buoyancy*~ in her voice too. She delivers bad news sounding like she could barely hide her exuberance at your long-suffering agony.
Hanna: *gets up and leaves the table*
Lt. Tanner: Is something wrong, Hanna?
Hanna: I…I have to use the restroom!
Everyone else: *awkward silence*
Lt. Tanner: Well, ladies. Does anyone have a tampon that they can lend Hanna?
Meet Hanna’s new stalker!
1.) Meet Travis, who is perhaps the most shoehorned love interest to be introduced to PLL yet. We already know this guy is gonna shack up with Hanna as soon as Caleb finishes his transition from Pretty Little Liars to Ravenswood. Like, he practically bought the bus ticket for Caleb to go away to his new spin-off show so that he could become Hanna’s new boyfriend.
This guy just didn’t make the best first impressions on me. I may change my stance once we get to know his character better in the future. But for now, fuck off Travis!
Hey Travis, can you help my parents too? If you’re gonna do a free cash giveaway, my family would like to receive a couple of your envelopes too!
Hanna: *receives an envelope of money* MACY’S HERE I COME!!!
Who wanna look up my fanny hole?
Also, Hanna was one smart cookie who managed to opt out of this expedition. Let’s take a look at what happened in the episode and see who got the raw deal:
Aria, Emily & Spencer: *goes rummaging through crawl space*
Hanna: *goes on a free shopping spree to Macy’s*
Spencer: *suddenly appears*
Aria: You could have announced yourself!
Spencer: *waves arms* Hi, I’m Spencer! *matter-of-factly* I’m climbing into the crawl space!
Heh heh, this snarky bitch.
Emily: How am I supposed to live in that house!?
Aria: Just hang out in the second floor.
Spencer: And wear underwear at all times.
Orrrr you can just cover up dem holes? I mean, you can still wear underwear if you want, but maybe it’s easier to just put a towel on the floor.
This scene is actually much scarier once you know what’ll happen and you are rewatching the build-up again. I was so scared for Aria because this girl put her entire face right up there into the hole. I was just squirming with fear on her behalf, going like WATCH OUT ARIA OR A WILL BE EATING SPAGHETTI WITH BLOODY EYEBALLS FOR DINNER TONIGHT!
During a flashback, we see Alison act SURPRISINGLY HUMAN as she gives relationship advice to Emily and tells her to start respecting herself hun~ I keep waiting and waiting for her to say something uber bitchy, but it never happens. The only time we ever see Alison act remotely nice is when she’s getting all flirty with Emily, but frankly, I’m not sure if I want a nice version of Alison. It’s just that Alison’s bitchiness is like my ~*constant*~ on this show and it challenges everything that I believe in to see her so…likable.
In present day, Emily suddenly recalls this memory of her dead friend who was once threatened by an off-the-fringe gun-wielding maniac. You would think this is the FIRST THING that she remembers about Alison as soon as she goes missing/dead, but it only took four seasons and years after her death for this flashback to come out. To be fair, I guess Emily must have filed this *irrelevant* memory of Alison in the back of her mind since it doesn’t contain any footage of them kissing & making out.
Ezra vs. Jake
Paige: Wow, it’s long and gushing!
Emily: Yeah, that’s how Zoe talks.
Paige: Really? About every volunteer? *reading* Her spirit makes my heart race.
Emily: She’s poetic.
Paige: She’s into you.
lol @ Emily being ~*totes oblivious*~ that somebody is lusting after her once again. Zoe prolly propositioned her five times within the letter and Emily is like *OOH I LIKE THE FONT SHE USED~*
Paige: Emily, I’ve been to weddings where people don’t say stuff like this in their vows.
Emily: STFU PSYCHO PAIGE!!! *angrily storms off*
Why does Emily act so offended any time someone points out that she’s getting hit on? *lol* I guess she has a chip on her shoulders because she doesn’t want to believe that she’s getting preferential treatment based on her looks? #hotpeopleproblems
Ezra: *reading* This is glowing. What’s the problem?
Emily: But is it TOO glowing???
Ezra: EMILY THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD AND GETTING A GLOWING COLLEGE RECOMMENDATION ISN’T ONE OF THEM.
First of all, is it too glowing!? lmao Emily gurrrrl never change. Second of all, can Ezra get off his fucking high horse and stop lashing out at his students just because he’s a disenchanted ASSHOLE picking up the pieces of his FAILED BROKEN LIFE!?!? Losing a son that was never yours in the first place does not constitute as a Real Problem. It just means you’re too gullible, you asshole.
Jake: MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK GRRRR!!!
Ezra: OH YEAH? BUT SHE TOUCHED MY DICK FIRST GRRRR!!!
Aria is pretending to look uncomfortable, but deep down you know she’s secretly loving every moment of this drama and has previously written self-insert fanfics of this exact situation happening.
Aria: The school’s throwing this Western thingy. Would you wanna go?
Jake: *enthusiastic* Yes!!!
Aria: Oh. Okay.
That was seriously her initial reaction, oh my god. Could Aria make it any more obvious that she doesn’t give two shits about Jake? Altho I think Aria might be playing ~*hard to get*~ just so Jake will try extra hard to impress her. He even bought her shoes before the dance! While I appreciate the sentiment of the gift, I kind of question Jake’s taste level here. When he first opened the shoe box, I seriously thought he bought Aria a pair of ugly ass turquoise RAIN BOOTS at first.
All I can say about this dance is POOR LUCY HALE who spent the entire dance trying to memorize all the crazy fast dance moves while doing her best not to fall on her ass. I mean, Lucy did a really superb job but you can see that poor girl struggling to keep up with the rhythm and stumbling around the dance floor like a spring chicken. And you know they must have shot at least 10+ different takes of the dance, so I was just watching this scene and feeling so bad for her. *lmao* Plus, Jake has an unfair advantage since his actor starred in those Step Up dance movies so his dancing looked crazy good in comparison.
Jake: You can start by giving us a little bit more space. I’m guessing being a chaperone wasn’t mandatory tonight. You gotta have better things to do on a Friday night, dude!
Ezra is such a desperate ho, oh my godddddd!!! GET. A. GRIP. YOU. PATHETIC. LOSER.
Jake: I know why you’re here. I know why you’re hurtin’, man. But you gotta let her move on.
Oh my god, this is like the LAMEST showdown ever! Leave it to Aria’s two love interests to have the most boring confrontation in history. Why is Jake being so nice to Ezra!? And why is Ezra not retaliating back!? I wanted the two of them to have a bloody gladiator match where only one will come out alive, not this courteous “excuse me but stop hitting on my girlfriend please” bullshit! I WANT TO SEE FISTS, LADIES! FISTS, TEARS, SWEAT AND BLOOD!!!
Aria: CHEER UP EZRA BECUZ I CAN GIVE YOU THE SON THAT YOU WANT. IMPREGNATE ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. LET’S DO THIS!!!
Brave yourselves, everyone. Ezria is starting all over once again.
Ezra: It’s a mess, Aria. And I’d really rather not drag you into it.
OH MY GOD. After persistently stalking Aria for the entire episode, and then finally guilt tripping her into coming to his apartment, now he acts like he doesn’t want to drag Aria into this mess!? WHAT A FAKE MANIPULATIVE BASTARD!!! FUCK THIS GUY!!! DOWN WITH EZRA A FITZGERALD!!! BRING DOWN THE HOE!!!
Travis: the miracle witness
Travis: *appears behind Hanna* Dance with me.
Hanna: Are you out of your mind!? Why would I wanna dance with you!?
Travis: Because I put that envelope in your locker. I know your mom is innocent.
It turns out that Travis is a key witness to Detective Wilden’s murder and he has some secrets to share! Instead of speaking to Hanna directly about this like a *normal person* would, Travis decides to approach her in the clumsiest way possible. That’s because he is a socially awkward gremlin who can only communicate with Hanna via anonymous gifts, creepy stalking & now slow dancing at a party. Good job at making her feel totally skeeved out by you, bruh!
P.S. Caleb was VERY into the Western theme of the party this episode, throwing in a *Yeehaw!* or a *Giddy up!* in between every other word.
Long story short, Travis is the DEUS EX MACHINA introduced to rescue Mama Marin from her obviously doomed fate. The show has nearly written themselves into a corner by depicting Ashley guilty as fuck, so here comes a MIRACLE WITNESS who can suddenly attest to her innocence 100% and wrap up this storyline neatly before the midseason finale, hooray!
Tanner: You realize you’ll have to repeat this to a judge, right? Under oath? If you lie, cross your heart and hope to die, may lightning strike you from behind!
Travis: Erm, yes. I understand that.
Tanner: But you *ARE* **ABSOLUTELY** *SURE* that you heard the gunshots after Mrs. Marin drove off?
Travis: Yes, ma’am.
Tanner: BUT ARE YOU REALLY SURE? I mean, we’re so close to nailing that bitch! You can always change your mind and walk away!
Travis: She wasn’t there when he was killed.
Tanner: …well, fuck this. *throws away his testimony in the trash*
So much mushy squash
Emily: I don’t want be the person who ends up with mushy squash!!!
Paige: Are you drunk?
lol~ I think Emily was quoting Alison from the flashback. Here’s the official dictionary definition!
Mushy Squash noun – That’s what left on the buffet table after everyone has made their choices. You don’t make decisions and that’s what you end up with.
Toby: Whoa! Who’s everybody!? Who else knows about my mother!?
Like it or not, I think everybody knows about your mother. There are even small isolated tribes on mountaintops that have heard your deadmama sobs by now.
Spencer: I know, but keeping this a secret has meant I have to choose between you and them!
Toby: Right, and you chose them.
And then Toby storms off, presumably to go sobbing in the ladies’ restroom or somewhere. Please pass Miss Toby a tissue box and a tampon during her time of need, girls.
Spencer: HURRY CALEB! GO AFTER TOBY NOW! Here, just give me those plates. I’ll feed Hanna. *chews on a fried onion ring*
You guys, I have a confession to make. It was me. I was the one who called the cops on Toby. That’s what he gets for being such a whiny bitch throughout this season. WAH WAH WAH MY DEAD MAMA- no stfu toby, no more! Hello, Rosewood P.D.? I’d like to report a crime against humanity in the form of the deadmama storyline!