Jessica: Welcome to my loving home, Emily! If there’s anything that could make your stay here more comfortable, I’ll bend over backwards to accommodate you!
What Emily Hears: Ahhhh yes, excellent… Alison’s virgin sacrifice has arrived at the temple at last…
Spencer: When you think about it, it’s not that strange of a reaction. I’m serious. In the 19th Century, when children died, their parents would sometimes pose them for lifelike photos as mementos.
Emily: NOT HELPING. NOT HELPING AT ALL.
And Spencer said it so earnestly too, like she genuinely believed her words will have a soothing effect on Emily. *lol* Let’s get real though, you know Mama DiLaurentis definitely took a few of those photos with Alison’s corpse before burying the casket. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Mama DiLaurentis is FOREVER ALONE
We see glimpses of her vulnerability. A flash of pain flickering in her eyes when she opens the dresser… The way her voice trails off when she suddenly recalls a memory… The lingering gazes on her daughter’s old friends with traces of melancholy… Suddenly, there’s a little more clarity to explain her actions so far. The bedroom, her conversations, all those memorials. These are all symptoms of a woman drowning in despair.
Whoa… That was an uncharacteristically deep moment for Recap Everything. Let’s go back to making fun of this crazy bitch~~~
Unfortunately, the DEADMAMA abomination continues for yet another episode with Miss Toby acting like her usual *mopey* and *dopey* self. OMG Spencer, A won’t give me pointless clues to this pointless investigation if we don’t pointlessly keep this a secret from everyone, hurrdurrdurr! <-- my Toby imitation. I think this episode's plot revolves around a music sheet or some shit, I don't really know or care. All I know is the episode comes to a complete halt whenever this storyline rears its ugly end. Watching these scenes feels like cutting my toenails; it's mildly irritating and seems completely redundant, but I just have to keep going through this process every so often!
At one point, Dr. Palmer starts talking to Spencer as if she was Toby’s dead mama, which was pretty lulzy. Naturally, Toby is already sulking and emoting and pulling all kinds of ridiculous faces in a dark corner somewhere, but we’ll just ignore his attention-seeking antics.
FLASHBACK TIME: It turns out Mama D only visited Radley due to some twisted prank. Alison and CeCe lied about checking into the mental institution for the lulz. Man, I’ve heard of practical jokes like whoopee cushions and crank calls before, but Alison and CeCe are clearly trailblazers in taking their stunts to the next level. Mama DiLaurentis was obviously pissed off once she found out, but Alison was just like TEEHEE! BITCHES BE BITCHES~ which only made her mom *RAGGGGGE* even more.
P.S. I think if Alison hadn’t died, Mama DiLaurentis would probably be reported for child abuse and have to attend the same court hearing as Pam, I’m just sayin’~
Emily: No, I do! I’m going through it myself.
LOL WHAT!?!?!? NO YOU ARE NOT!!! Oh my god, can you believe the nerve of this cheeky bitch, comparing a little rift in her silly teenage fling to a 24-year marriage falling apart over the death of a child??? Have Emily and Paige even been dating for a year yet? Your life experience is still a blank canvas right now, so sit down and be quiet little girl!
Jessica x Officer Holbrook – He’s single, right?
Jessica x Dr. Palmer – They’ve already met before!
Jessica x Papa Hastings – Pick up that steamy affair from where they left off.
Jessica x Byron x Mike – MONTGOMERY MAN SANDWICH!!!
Jessica x Wren – He usually likes ’em younger, but I don’t think Wren will turn down any open slot where he can put it in.
Jessica x Ezra – I know he’s single too, but he’s not in contention. Jessica is just lonely, not desperate.
Emily: I’m with a girl. I realize that’s who I want to be with. That’s who I am.
Jessica: I’m very proud of you, Emily.
See? Short, simple and sweet. Watch and learn, Pam Fields! Was that really so hard for you to do??? Speaking of which, I’m proud of our Emily who has come so far since she was that closeted little lesbo in Season 1. Now she’s out and proud and being all *I’M WITH A GIRL HOLLA~*. Her personal growth brings a tear to my eye.
Emily: Mrs. DiLaurentis, I want you to know that you’re not the only one who has seen Ali. I have too.
Jessica: Of course you have. You loved her as much as I did. I wished Ali would have returned those feelings. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to love her than you.
AWWWW~~~ Even Alison’s mother ships Emily with Alison. :) I bet a lot of those shippers on Tumblr must feel so validated right now. *lol*
That’s not yo baby, Ezra!
We all saw this coming, right? As soon as Maggie & Malcolm were introduced last season, they were pretty much D.O.A. just because making Ezra into a dad is such a fundamental obstacle to the ~*EZRIA ENDGAME*~. As long as Ezra has to take care of some seven-year-old brat, he can’t also take care of the seventeen-year-old brat that he’s screwing his brains out with, which means ANYONE IN THE PATH OF AN EZRIA REUNION MUST BE DESTROYED. [/PLL showrunners]
The problem with Maggie is that she’s a Dumb Bitch who didn’t have a contingency plan. If I were her, I would’ve written down my response and rehearsed it to perfection. And I would have lied until the bitter end. This should have been Maggie’s reply: “WHAT!? THIS ISN’T YOUR KID!? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!? I AM JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE! *jaw drop* DID THE HOSPITAL MAKE A MISTAKE!? WERE THE BABIES SWITCHED AT BIRTH!? THIS IS AN ABC FAMILY SHOW SO IT’S A REAL POSSIBILITY!” She should have feigned ignorance until the cows come home. Instead, she immediately told the truth! So stupid! Lie, Maggie, just lie! Ugh, I guess that’s why this bitch isn’t one of the ~*pretty little liars*~.
Maggie: I gave myself the answer that I wanted!
GURRRRRL THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. You can’t get pregnant first and then choose who should be the baby daddy afterwards!
Let this be a valuable life lesson for ya, Ezra! ALWAYS CHECK THE RECEIPTS.
Think about it, that’s why she had no problem evicting Maggie from her apartment and throwing her grandson out in the streets, because she knew they had no blood relation. In fact, I think Ezra’s mother was a strategic mastermind who had planned this gambit seven years ago. She kept up the charade because she knew that finding out the truth one day will absolutely devastate her son and make him come crying back to mommy. Aha, all the pieces are coming together now! WELL-PLAYED, QUEEN FITZGERALD!
Honestly, it’s possible that the highlight of his life may be his relationship with Aria. THAT’S NOT AN EZRIA ENDORSEMENT but you can see how he might value a sordid affair with an underage girl when there’s nothing else in his sad pitiful life.
Unfortunately, I’m already running out of interesting things to say about Jake x Aria. Nearly every episode has been *Jake and Aria has a short conversation* followed by *Jake and Aria starts making out* and I don’t know how much of this same crap I can take this anymore. Honestly, I don’t dislike Jake’s character and I don’t even mind their relationship that much, but their scenes have felt so stagnant since the beginning. Give us something new, you know?
I would have liked to see footage of this fight taking place, but god forbid PLL actually allowed Jake’s character to have one interesting moment on this show. *nixes the idea*
O-M-G! I am so shocked that CeCe Drake is secretly such a big bitch! [/said by nobody ever] Well, Aria seems taken by surprise that their beloved confidante CeCe is such a bitch in sheep’s clothing, but the pretty little liars have always been slow on the uptake. “Thanks CeCe! Take my college application and give this to your friend Steven from Admissions! I trust you with it 100 percent! ”
Wren vs. Mona showdown
BUT THEN~ Wren’s actor, Julian Morris, took some ~*artistically nude*~ photos earlier this year that I stumbled upon online. Now, I can’t look at Wren without those hot Wonderland pictures surfacing in my memory. And ever since then, I love Wren again. You’ll be amazed what a pair of butt cheeks can do to somebody’s likability factor!
Mona: Why would I ever be honest with you?
Wren: You used to be.
Mona: That was before I realized where your loyalties were.
Wren: *pauses* I’m not sure what that means. And I thought we’ve done a good job establishing a sense of trust while you were a patient here.
Mona: That was before I realized you were keeping secrets from me.
omg i am getting GOOSEBUMPS just from typing out this conversation. This **mental warfare** is too intense for this poor little recapper’s heart!
Mona: Wilden was bothering them so I got rid of him. And I’d do it again.
Wren: I don’t think you got rid of anybody. That’s my response.
Mona: *evil stare*
Wren: *evil stares back for an eternity*
Wren is actually holding up quite well against Mona’s brand of evilcrazies, isn’t he? I’m impressed!
lol~ The sad part is that the word ‘diagnosis’ must be one of the most commonly used words for doctors, so you have to wonder how many of Wren’s medical reports contained the same spelling mistake. How did this guy even get through medical school, man?
“Dr.” Wren’s Dianosis of Recap Everything: Extreme distrust and paranoia. Delusions of persecution.
All our WRENNA dreams are dead
Hanna: I was wondering if maybe you can help me get into Radley.
Admitting you need help is the first step to recovery, Hanna! Actually, she wants to go into Radley to consult with her life coach Mona. *sighs* Seriously. You’d think after having her 258th Dumb Bitch moment this season, this girl would finally learn her lesson for once, but noooo let’s put all my trust in Mona because she definitely has my best interests at heart! I feel like Mona is to Hanna what Ezra is to Aria. The relationship between them is unhealthy and she needs to get a grip, gurl!
Hanna: Mona is helping my mom! She’s…
Caleb: NO! First, A uses a Sedan as a wrecking ball on Emily’s house. And then Jenna shows up in a lake looking like soggy bread. And now you want to go to Radley and ring the bell jar!? Hanna, listen to yourself, okay!? You’re so desperate that you’re willing to go to the enemy for help!
CALEB SPEAKS SO MUCH TRUTH IT HURTS. *clap clap clap* STANDING OVATION FOR YOU, GOOD SIR!
No, seriously, what are you doing with that hand, bruh!? Was he trying to unzip his pants to show Hanna what she’s missing out on? Put that thing away, Wren! No means no!
Wren: *shifty eyes*
Hanna: What’s wrong?
LOL. This look is Wren coming to the realization that WOMEN TALK and they talk about EVERYTHING, ohohohoho~ *hides smile behind hand* The idea of Hanna & Spencer gossiping about him must have scared Wren, who assumed he played it so well up until now: “I got this bitch Spencer eating out my palm and I got this other ho Hanna in my back pocket!” As it turns out, these girls have him figured out and they be talkin’ smack about how much his stank ass gets around town~~~
Hanna: Okay. You have security cameras, right?
LOL. WHAT SECURITY CAMERAS!? Gurrrrrl, they don’t even have locks installed on their windows! Mona has probably escaped already and is currently enjoying a martini at the bar.
(Sidebar: And if Radley really wanted to save money, they should consider sacking Dr. Wren ‘Dianosis’ Kingston. Altho ‘budget cuts’ is probably the reason why they hired him in the first place.)
And then, Caleb threw a major hissy fit and went like *ENOUGH WITH DIS A SHIT* *I QUIT* *I AM GOING TO RAVENSWOOD* *I AM TRADING MY GIRLFRIEND IN FOR A NEWER MODEL* but Hanna reminds him that he still has three episodes left in his contract so he can’t get rid of her this easily.
And then, Oliver Goldstick rushes into set to remind Hanna and Caleb that they must prolong this relationship until Caleb’s character is integrated into his new spinoff show, so he demands that they keep up the charade longer. Now kiss!
Wren: Ring ring… *calling Miranda on the phone* Hi, we have a problem. I’ll take care of my end. You take care of yours.
I am shipping Wreronica
Wren: I know my history with the Hastings has been a little rocky. But regardless if you like me…
Veronica: LIKE YOU!? You broke my daughter’s heart and took every piece of goodwill this family extended to you and flushed it down the toilet!
OHOHOHOHOHO SO MUCH ANIMOSITY. THEIR HATESEX IS GONNA BE SO MIND-BLOWING~~~
Papa Hastings seriously needs to keep an eye on his wife, whose honey is bringing all the bees to the flowerbed. Between Wren and that law intern from a while back, it’s evident that a STRONG. SUCCESSFUL. POWERFUL. WOMAN. like Veronica must be quite desirable for these young sexually frustrated men. I bet she’d make these boys call her *ma’am* while dominating them in bed.
Veronica: You know you could lose your medical license over this? She’s still your patient, isn’t she?
Wren: She is. But if I hadn’t made such a mess of things, you were once gonna be my family.
OMG. Was that a proposition from Wren? YOU WERE ONCE GONNA BE MY FAMILY = BUT I COULD STILL MARRY INTO YOUR FAMILY…THROUGH YOU.
Veronica: I get the feeling you make a lot of people nervous, am I right? Well, you know what? So do I! I can be pretty scary myself! And if I find out you’re gonna use this stunt against my daughter and her friends, you’ll just find out how scary.
What a boss~ I gotta say, I’ve noticed the increased prominence of Veronica’s character this season and I am *LOVING* every second of her presence. Every time she’s in a scene, this badass is throwing the shade down and dropping home truths to anybody in her way. I’m so glad Spencer’s mom finally gets to be the ferocious badass that I always knew she was deep down.
E-P-I-C!!!! …and completely inappropriate for a defense attorney in her position, but still epic nonetheless. Whose life feels a little more complete now that you’ve heard Veronica Hastings scream threats loud enough to cause an underwater volcano to erupt? Actually, Mama Hastings is so scary that she can probably scare an erupting volcano back into submission.
DIS WREN BITCH WITH HIS FALSE LOYALTIES AND HIS UNDERHANDED BITCH MOVES. What game is he playing at here!? Is he working for CeCe? Melissa? Or is he simply fucking up Ashley’s case just to get back at Hanna for making out with Caleb earlier in the episode??? (lmao if that’s the real reason)
P.S. IF YOU HAVEN’T GOOGLED THOSE JULIAN MORRIS NUDE PICTURES YET, DO IT NOW. YOU ARE MISSING OUT BIG TIME.