Season 4 Episode 1, Pretty Little Liars Recap, ‘A’ is for A-l-i-v-e

Ezra gets arrested and thrown into prison forever, bwhahaha!!! It happened for real and nobody else can convince me otherwise. P.S. Other stuff also happened on the PLL season premiere.

Welcome to the next generation of the pretty little liars! Fresh new faces, brand new actors, same old characters! Clearly, Troian and the rest of the PLL divas must have gotten too big for their britches, so the showrunners decided to fire all of them and recast their characters in between the seasons. Out with the old, in with the new! The main advantage with this cast change is that Pretty Little Liars won’t have to worry about the actresses being too old to play teenage characters anymore.

Ah, I’m just kidding, we’re still stuck with our usual suspects. I’m sure our four main actresses must have signed an ironclad contract that demands they stay on the show UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE. However, ABC Family might be secretly raising and training these child actors to replace the current actresses in the future. Don’t be surprised if these up-and-coming starlets become the new Pretty Little Liars cast in Season 24!

P.S. I can’t wait for Aria Jr. to seduce her kindergarten teacher and start a forbidden romance with him that will send shockwaves across the playpen!

P.P.S. lmao @ Hefty Hanna’s morbidly obese doll. She looks like she might have devoured Alison’s doll inside her body judging by the size of that stomach.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the show tried to convince us that opening a car trunk is somehow considered a cliffhanger ending.

Season 1: OMG IAN DIED!!! :O
Season 2: OMG MAYA DIED!!! :O
Season 3: OMG THERE’S SOME JUNK IN THE TRUNK!!! :O

I think it’s pretty obvious which finale they ran out of ideas for. The worst part is when they finally open the car trunk in this season premiere, we see there’s a…dead pig!!! At this point, I felt my heart sinking because it dawned upon me that the Season 4 mystery will be ‘Who Killed The Pig Found Inside Detective Wilden’s Cop Car?’ Yes, that’s right, the pretty little liars are gonna spend the entire season sneaking into farmhouses and sausage factories to find out WHO THE PIG MURDERER IS~~~

All of a sudden, Mona was like *brb* and the pretty little liars are freaking out because she has gone missing.

Spencer: WHERE’S MONA!?!?
Aria: Teleportation!? O_O
Emily: She must have pulled out her ninja scroll and vanished into thin air!
Hanna: u guise…she went inside the car. -_-“

I love how the other girls just assumed Mona clicked her heels and disappeared into another dimension. It’s funny because she was standing next to them literally one split second ago. Unless she pulled a Usain Bolt and sprinted away at five hundred miles per hour, I don’t think it’s humanly possible for her to exit the scene without a trace.

Mona was actually removing the surveillance footage of Mama Marin going down on a guy…or was it the video footage of Mama Marin running over a guy? (You know yo momma is a badass boss when there’s more than one incriminating video of her in existence.)

The irony is that Mona herself was caught on tape, so now there’s damning footage of the girls messing about with Detective Wilden’s car. You have to give credit to A for always being in the right place at the right time to record incriminating footage of all these characters. A must have the most persistent camera crew since the documentary team on The Office.

Emily: I was thinking about last night. Mona put her gloves on before she touched Wilden’s car. Meanwhile, our prints are all over it.
Hanna: She’s like Hannibal Lecter smart! She’s been doing this for a long time!

Honestly, it doesn’t take a diabolical genius to figure out that you should wear gloves when tampering with a crime scene. I’m sorry it took the liars four seasons of harassment before they started worrying about their fingerprints, but it’s kinda common sense. If Mona is ‘Hannibal Lecter smart’, then the pretty little liars should be classified as ‘Hannibal Lecter’s victims stupid’.

At first, Mona didn’t wanna give up the surveillance tape because she likes to play dem *power gamez*. In order to get her hands on that footage, Hanna spends the episode being faker than faux fur, going all “OMG MAH BESTIE MONA! :) LETZ GO SHOPPING & TALK ABOUT BOIZ 2GETHER HEHE~ :)” Unfortunately, spending an afternoon with Mona was so emotionally draining that it managed to suck all the life force out of Hanna and she couldn’t manage to keep up the act. By the end of the day, you can tell she was restraining with every fibre of her body not to slap the bejeebus out of that bitch!

Also, I’d like to point out that Hanna’s headband transformed into a beret hat halfway through the episode. What a multifunctional accessory!

On the next day, the pretty little liars are driving past the crime scene when a strong gust of wind suddenly unveils Detective Wilden’s dead body, whoopsie daisies!

It turns out the start of the episode was a big fake-out, because the dead pig was actually a dead police officer (so technically no difference – OH YES I WENT THERE.) My theory is that the pretty little liars saw Detective Wilden in his ~*shapeshifter*~ form last night, which explains how the dead pig magically transformed into a dead human being overnight. Either that, or somebody switched the bodies after the liars left the crime scene, but where’s the fun in that logic?

I know what you are thinking: this mofo will probably come back to life again since that’s the favourite TV trope used on Pretty Little Liars. However, the show went through the trouble of putting make-up on his character’s corpse, plus they hired an extra to play the role of the coroner, which makes me believe his death might actually be permanent this time. Hey, once you use up all nine designated lives on this show, you are dead for realsies!

It worries me that a serial killer is knocking out the law enforcement in this town like a fucking game of dodgeball. First Officer Reynolds, then Detective Wilden, and you can most likely guess who’ll be the next victim. One particular PLL character is in grave danger. PAM FIELDS, YOU BETTER START WRITING OUT YOUR WILL BECAUSE YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. U R NEXT ON THE KILLERZ LIST!!!

Here’s what you need to know about Wilden’s murder:

1.) He was shot multiple times. The first bullet probably killed him straight away, but let’s shoot eleven more bullets into this bitch just in case Pretty Little Liars dares to bring him back to life again.

2.) The place he was shot was different from the place he was found. The exact location where he got killed is in Off-Camera Land, which is also where Maya and Garrett met their demises.

3.) The time of death is between 10PM & midnight. It must’ve been a busy evening of murder attempts for A. Most killers would be satisfied after burning a couple of bitches alive, but nope A was just getting warmed up for the night!

Another big revelation is that Detective Wilden = Queen of Hearts! Yes, Wilden was the one responsible for drugging Aria and almost pushing her off the Halloween train. This scandalous discovery is, however, overshadowed by the hilarious image of him dressed in that ridiculous get-up. And when I say ridiculous, I actually meant to say ~*FABULOUS*~.

Out of all the wardrobe choices he could’ve picked from Shana’s costume shop, he opted for the most glamorous outfit with those fake red nails. (And the nails really complete the outfit, by the way.) The A Team can learn a thing or two from him. It’s time to ditch those boring black hoodies and trade them in for something more glitzy. Detective Wilden proved that you can be a baddie and still rock the glam chic at the same time!

ZOMG TWIN TWIST!!! There were actually two Queen of Hearts on the train that night, one of them is Detective Wilden, while the other one is…Melissa Hastings. In fact, I believe Melissa was the one who insisted on pushing Aria off the train (she’s so anti-Aria <3) until Wilden talked her out of it. My favourite part is when Mona happily tells Aria that she wasn't responsible for pushing her off the Halloween train, because she was too busy filming the whole thing instead. Mona didn't try to kill Aria...oh no, she simply watched her get murdered and didn't feel bothered to intervene. *lol*

Mona claims that she has video footage of Wilden & Melissa plotting teh evilz together, but we’re supposed to believe her computer suddenly gets hacked and then she loses every single file in her hard drive forever. Normally I’d call bullshit on this obvious plot contrivance, but I noticed Mona’s computer is running on a Windows operating system, which does explain why it sucks so much.

Mona = MOLESTER MONA. We find out that she was the one who groped Hanna, squeezed her tits, and tried to get frisky with her on the train, hey-o!

Hanna: You were on the Halloween train, dressed like Caleb!
Mona: To think we were this close to our first kiss. ;)

I still think it’s kinda hilarious that Hanna can’t tell the difference between Caleb and Mona, even though the two of them couldn’t be any less alike. I know he looks like a chick from some camera angles, but come on!

Speaking of Mona, she delivers two pretty awesome moments in this episode:

1.) Mona borrows Emily’s car for the coffee run…annnnd she reveals that she already has her own set of keys. WHAT A BOSS.

2.) When one of the students approach Mona in school, she blows him off and curses him out in French: “La bride sur le cou!” which is roughly translated to “Bow down to the motherfucking queen before you dare talk to me, you worthless peasant!”

The pretty little liars confront Mona and interrogate her for answers. Amazingly enough, the show doesn’t beat around the bush and actually addresses some of the unresolved loose ends left hanging since Season 1. *audible gasp* What’s going on, Pretty Little Liars is giving out answers instead of piling on more mysteries!? Somebody go check the window and see if there are (dead) pigs flying outside!

Don’t get too excited tho. Most of Mona’s revelations involve her saying “I didn’t do this!” and “I didn’t do that!” and “I dunno anything, teehee~” In the few instances where she shares real information, it probably consists of half-truths and half-lies. Basically, Mona talks out of her ass and PLL viewers shouldn’t believe anything she has to say, which kinda brings us back to square one again. :(

We see a rapid-fire montage containing the following revelations, courtesy of Mona:

1.) “I put the car in Hanna’s garage and that was the last I saw of it.”
2.) “Shana knew Jenna before she came to Rosewood. I think she’s in love with her. They’re both afraid of Melissa.”
3.) “When Cece came to Radley, I thought she was Ali. I don’t remember what we talked about. It was before they changed my meds.”
4.) “Lucas gave Emily that massage. He said you were tense.”
5.) “I recruited Toby when he got that job at Bucks County.”
6.) “I didn’t push Ian off the bell tower. I wish I knew who did.”

So, that’s six mysteries finally solved and only 6468 more to go!

The pretty little liars waited four long painful seasons to finally, finally, FINALLY get some answers out of A…and of course, these bitches decide to snooze off after thirty seconds. Apparently, listening to Mona explain how she tortured them to the brink of death is OMG SO BORING -o- that none of our sleeping beauties managed to stay awake for the entire duration.

Mona: Lemme tell you a bedtime story about how I tried to run over Hanna with a car!
Hanna: *snores* ZZZzzzZZZ…

When the liars are awake next morning, they notice that Mona is missing once again…

Hanna: *wakes up* WHERE’S MONA!?!?
Spencer: I don’t remember falling asleep…
Aria: Did she drug us!? O_O
Emily: It wouldn’t be the first time!

I love that Aria immediately blames it on teh drugz. This poor girl must still be traumatized over Meredith, who might be gone but certainly not forgotten. In my fantasy PLL world, Meredith has hijacked a pharmacy, held everybody hostage, and is currently brewing a new sleeping pill concoction with the help of her besties Mona and Maleficent.

Mona returns with coffee (drugged) and breakfast (definitely poisoned) for the pretty little liars. It’s really creepy that she memorized the exact type of coffee each girl prefers, including the very minute details of their orders (three sugars!) Knowing Mona, she probably studied their coffee preferences, eating habits, shoe sizes, sleeping patterns, menstrual cycles, and everything else about their lives.

Hanna: Where did you go!?
Mona: Coffee run. Duh.
Hanna: Where ELSE did you go!?
Mona: *shrugs and plays cutesy*

Unfortunately, Q&A time only occurs between 2AM to 5AM and the pretty little sleepyheads missed their chance to get info out of her. Now, Mona is back to playing coy by revealing very little about herself. Nonetheless, Mona insists that her loyalty is with the liars and she’s on their side now, but everyone just laughs in her face and says nice try. Um yeah, you aren’t fooling anyone bitch~

Spencer and Toby (or Tobs as she had started calling him recently) have a pointless investigation scene as they dig up the rubble of the burned down lodge. At one point, Spencer thought she spotted somebody else on the premises, but it was probably one of the PLL production crew members who accidentally got caught in the camera frame.

The only noteworthy observation here is how ~mighty fine~ Toby looks in his royal blue windbreaker jacket. Mmhmmm. That hue of blue is definitely your colour, hun!

This season, Toby has gone back to being a neutered and domesticated pet kneeling loyally by Spencer’s feet. We’re supposed to pretend his nasty streak never happened, so let’s not address the fact that he tried to harm the pretty little liars on multiple occasions. Look, here’s an adorable Spoby scene to distract you from his evil deeds last season!

Toby: See this? It’s a fork. You can use it to eat the breakfast that your boyfriend just cooked for you.
Spencer: I love the way that sounds…you calling yourself my boyfriend. :o)

This is gonna be what their married life is like in 20 years. Spencer sits at the table reading the world news, while Toby wears the apron, cooks breakfast, does the washing up, and drives the kids to school in a minivan.

P.S. If you look closely at the meal, you’ll see that Toby may have exaggerated about his culinary prowess.

“I cooked you breakfast!” = *puts two pieces of bread into the toaster*

Unbeknownst to Spencer, A has been harassing her precious Tobs with yo momma jokes in text message form.

I know what happened 2 ur mom. Bring the lair and u’ll know 2. Kisses – A

Yeah, I know what happened 2 ur mom too…SHE’S DEAD. For some reason though, this seems to be ~brand new information~ for Toby, so he does a devil’s bargain with A in exchange for some spoilerz on his mom’s storyline.

We meet Toby’s mommy dearest in a flashback, where it becomes apparent that Marion Cavanaugh has been sustaining herself on a diet of painkillers and antidepressants. There was something quite off about her demeanour, so I’m not surprised that she had killed herself by jumping out the window. However, poor Toby-Woobie has a tough time coming to terms with his momma’s suicide, which means he’ll spend the rest of the season milking the angst and going boo hoo hoo as he cries into Spencer’s bosom.

I know the fandom loves them some emotionally vulnerable male characters with a lotta angst, but I’m sorry, watching a guy cry over his mummy is kinda not appealing to me. :\ Toby, please collect your balls from Spencer’s jar and start behaving with some gusto again.

Remember when Toby actually had some *grit* and *edge* and *danger* to his character in a few episodes last season? Gone, gone, gone! I miss the days when he was in a black hoodie and slamming mannequins into Hanna’s bloody skull. Now we’re stuck with some schmuck with Mommy Issues who gets teary-eyed after reading a text message. WHAT A PUSSY.

The best part about the flashback is getting a glimpse of Toby’s old room, which was decorated with motorcycle figurines (so coot), N64 controllers (I figured Toby would be a Nintendo fanboy), and even VHS tapes (such a blast from the past~).

It’s a pretty awesome room! Whoever designs the bedroom sets on this show does a fantastic job each time. You can tell there’s quite a bit of thought put into these room decorations, which I really appreciate as a viewer. So Pretty Little Liars, please give a well-deserved pay raise to your kickass set designers based on the recommendation of Recap Everything, they’ve totally earned it, kthx!

The worst part about the flashback is watching the romantic interactions between Toby and Alison, which is just…*cringe*. I don’t sense any chemistry and I don’t understand the attraction between them at all. EW STOP HOOKING UP ALIBY YOU ARE RUINING THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE. X_X

Alison: I know you wanna kiss me~~~

Seems like Alison only has one pick-up line in her skillset, because I’m pretty sure she said the exact same line to Ian. Get some new material, gurl~

On the bright side, I did enjoy Alison throwing down the shade on Toby’s mom.

Alison: Did your mom just wake up?
Toby: I think there’s something wrong with her…
Alison: Yeah, it’s called lazy much!

HEY TOBZ UR MOM IS SUCH A LAZY TWAT, AMIRITE!? *high-five* Of course, Toby was practically wiping tears from his face because how dare she say something mean about his precious mommy!? Afterwards, Alison actually had the nerve to act offended when Toby got all sensy and kicked her out of the house. lol whatever, bye bitch~

Alison shouldn’t speak ill about other people’s mothers when her own mom seemed a bit cray-cray herself. Upon her return to Rosewood, Mama DiLaurentis is already acting like a creeper by standing at the window and blatantly spying on poor Spencer in the bedroom. You think she’d look away once she got caught in the act, but nope it just turned into an awkward staring contest between the two of them.

Jessica: *stare* *stare* *stare*
Spencer: *stares back* *looks away* *stares again* SHE’S STILL STARING! O_O

Yeah, Mama D. seems off to me and I won’t be surprised to see her jump out a window as well. In the meantime, Spencer really should learn how to use the curtains in her home, just a suggestion…

Emily also believes Mama DiLaurentis is a nutjob, especially after finding out that she’s redecorating Alison’s old bedroom.

Emily: You kept all of her things?
Jessica: I think that’s what she would have wanted.
Emily: *next scene* SHE’S BUILDING A SHRINE TO ALI!!!

Emily makes it sound like Alison’s mom is building a laboratory and collecting body parts to revive her daughter a la Dr. Frankenstein. *lol* TBH, I don’t think it’s that unreasonable for a grieving mother to preserve the memories of her dead daughter via a bedroom in her own home? I mean, it’s not healthy behaviour or anything, but I kinda feel like they should cut the poor woman some slack.

Besides, Emily has some nerve to criticize Mama DiLaurentis for building a “shrine” when she has seen the interior of Mona’s lair, which is a million times worse. You wanna see a real shrine dedicated to Ali? Oh, I’ll show you a fucking shrine alright! Like, Alison’s blood is practically smeared on all four walls of this place, yet Emily thinks Alison’s mom is the one with the issues here. Um okay?

In a rare moment, something nice and positive is actually happening in the pretty little liars’ lives. Paige got a full scholarship ride to Stanford University, so she’s eager to pack her bags and get outta Rosewood. She also wants Emily to come live with her after graduation…and I’m gonna stop right there, because there ain’t no chance in hell of that happening. As if the show would ever let any of the main characters leave Rosewood, pfft! Throw away the prison key ‘cos you’re stuck rotting in this town forever!

Nonetheless, Emily agrees to be Paige’s ~*California gurl*~ and then the two of them start making out, so all is fine and dandy with their relationship blah blah blah. I’M SORRY, but can it be any more obvious that Emily x Paige are doomed to fail? The fact that their relationship peaked in the season premiere means they can only go downhill from there.

In fact, I’m starting the OFFICIAL PAILY APOCALYPSE CLOCK as of right now. Tick tock, tick tock, how long before it all ends in miserable heart-wrenching tears!? :D :D :D

Soon afterwards, Miss Jenna comes slithering over to Emily’s house and drops several important plot points that need to be established in the season premiere. This includes:

1.) Jenna was like totes BFFs with Detective Wilden. But let’s get real here, what do a promiscuous teenage girl and a sleazy adult policeman have in common that they can sustain a friendship together? I can only think of one reason. Since we know Miss Jenna is fond of dem men in police uniforms, it’s safe to say that she hopped on dat diq and rode his police baton at some point in her adolescence.

2.) Garrett told Jenna that he *saw* Wilden and Alison together on the night of her disappearance. You may recall Garrett also told Spencer that he *saw* Byron & Ali together last season, so you gotta wonder if this guy is telling the truth or if he’s spinning a massive web of lies. Who else did Garrett see whilst hiding behind that bush!? Next, we’ll find out he *saw* Papa Hastings, Papa Fields, Pastor Ted, Jamie Doyle, the vice principal in Rosewood High, and Santa Claus all talking to Alison before they murdered her.

3.) Jenna is worried too many secondary characters are being killed off, so she’s probably heading towards a similar fate when PLL needs a ~*shocking death*~ in an upcoming season finale. Before she goes off and dies, Jenna delivers one of her infamous cryptic messages to Toby…

Jenna: Tell him I never meant to hurt him.

In typical Jenna fashion, she fails to mention any specifics so nobody has an effing clue what she’s talking about. Of course, the bitch has gotten so vague and cryptic that she doesn’t even say it to his face, instead she asks Emily to pass on this bullshit message indirectly to Toby. I don’t think Jenna could be any more incoherent and unintelligible even if she tried? She might as well save her breath and never speak at all.

4.) Jenna accidentally shows off the burn injuries on her arm, and by *accidentally*, I meant she *intentionally* showed off her war wounds to Emily, as if to boast: “See this mark!? Damn right, I was the badass motherfucker who tried to burn you and your friends down to the ground! Don’t ever mess with me, mwhahaha!” And then Jenna cackles evilly as she flies away on her broom.

Well well, this has been a fairly uplifting start to Season 4 of Pretty Little Liars thus far, so of course it all goes down the shitter as soon as a large spoonful of EZRIA is forced down our throats. They literally broke up a day ago in the show’s narrative, and here this wretched couple is reunited once again, acting disgustingly sentimental towards each other.

Aria: You know, I could pretend I didn’t see you, but I don’t want to lie. This is new territory for us! What do I do? Do I say hi? Do I avoid you? We probably shouldn’t have a coffee together, right?

Fucking hell, Aria. You spent all of last season tearing up and getting all angsty over how you had to split up with this mofo and this is GOODBYE FOREVER. Everybody knows you were gonna go back to Ezra anyway, but can’t you wait at least a few more days before you lose all your self-respect again!?

Ezra: And if you want to see other people, sometimes that’s the best way to move on…
Aria: I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! O_O

I think Aria totally misinterpreted what her ex was trying to say. Um, he was not giving you permission; he was actually *stating* his own plans for the future. It seems to me Ezra was hinting that now he’s teaching again, it’s time to see other high school students and move on to the many other teenagers that he didn’t get to boink yet. After all, Aria is nothing more than a notch in his tally.

Aria carries her #ezraezraezra obsession all the way to school, and even Emily is beyond fed up with her bullshit. She doesn’t criticize her friend outright, but she goes to The Ella Montgomery School of Passive Aggressive Remarks to Slyly Sabotage Ezria and says subtle lines like: “You know I totally support you and Ezra together~ *pauses* …but it’s senior year and I strongly encourage you to have SUM PHUN with other age-appropriate male suitors instead. ;)”

Emily: You’ve never been on one, but there was this thing called the double date. It’s what you do with your friends when you can actually be seen in public with the person you’re going out with.

OOOOH!!! CAN YOU FEEL THE SHADE!?!? *lmao*

Unfortunately, Aria has already fallen off the deep end and she continues to be all “mmmm look at Ezra’s delicious ass in dem tight jeans~ *foaming at the mouth* MAMA WANTS A PIECE OF DAT!” so Emily’s advice goes through one ear and out the other.

There was a hilarious scene when Aria thought she got caught checking out Ezra by her vice principal, so she acted all flustered and nervous that she’s in soooo much trouble. OH PLEASE. Aria totally lives for this kind of scandalous drama. She loves it, she enjoys it, she rides it all the way~

In the next scene, Aria gets called to the vice principal’s office…AND THEN THE GREATEST SCENE IN PRETTY LITTLE LIARS HISTORY HAPPENED.

Principal Hackett: I gave you a chance to be honest with me, and you chose to lie.
Aria: I’m not sure what you mean…?
Principal Hackett: I know you’re sleeping with your teacher!

OHHHHHH SHIT. YES YES YES. GIMME MORE, MORE, MORE! <-- my genuine reaction when I first watched this scene.

Aria immediately leaps into denial mode and plays dumb dumb, but then Principal Hackett opens his drawers and THROWS DOWN PICTURES OF EZRA AND ARIA HAVING SEX TOGETHER.

Oh my fucking god, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *catching for breath* Sorry, let me get all the laughter out of my system first. Actually, the most appropriate reaction should be: ew, gross, wrong, disgusting, where did these pictures even come from, and how can anyone let this terrible imagery come into physical existence!?

Principal Hackett: We called your parents. They’re on their way. Oh, and I also called the police~~~
Aria: You’re arresting him!?
Principal Hackett: In this state, it’s a felony for a teacher to have sex with a minor. Ezra Fitz is going to prison.

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *dying of laughter* OH MY GOD THIS IS MY EVERYTHING. Seeing Ezra in handcuffs being escorted out of school by a police officer… it’s just… *wipes a tear away* …my life is now complete.

Sadly, a tiny voice in my head told me this scene was just TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE~~~ Either I was dreaming or Aria was dreaming or I incepted somebody else’s dream, but I kinda knew this wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening. They would never go there. And my gut feeling was unfortunately right. It turns out this was merely a fantasy sequence fabricated by Aria’s melodramatic imagination, and nobody actually gets exposed or arrested or rots in prison for being a dirty child molester.

NOOOOO!!! FUCK YOU PRETTY LITTLE LIARS FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP AND IMMEDIATELY CRUSHING THEM! YOU BASTARDS ARE TOO CRUEL. ;_;

Afterwards, Aria sends Ezra a text message declaring that she does want to swallow other semen, even though twenty minutes ago she was the one who boldly proclaimed I AM NOT READY YET!!! #oharia

It’s time for Detective Wilden’s funeral! As expected, the pretty little liars are all dressed in stylish outfits with varying degrees of attention-grabbing inappropriateness. Look at the shiny bling on Aria’s chest! Look at the zigzag patterns on Emily’s lady parts! But nothing can compare to Hanna’s slut garment, which is absolutely ridiculous. I think she woke up from bed wearing a see-through night slip and then forgot to change as she headed for the funeral.

Let’s take a closer look at Hanna’s outfit, or rather let’s take a look at her BOOOOOBS. Oh my god, I can’t believe they actually allowed Hanna to walk into the church dressed like that. This is something you might wear to the afterparty at the VMAs, but not a fucking funeral!

A threatens to expose the pretty little liars at Detective Wilden’s funeral service, so these bitches are scrambling all over the church looking for clues. Eventually, Spencer and Mona end up in a room alone with Detective Wilden’s coffin. I mean, we have an entire church with law enforcement officers, and not a single one of them had been keeping watch. Um okay. -_-”

All of a sudden, a cell phone starts ringing inside the coffin! Hilariously enough, Mona and Spencer go on a ~*hands-on scavenger hunt*~ all over Wilden’s corpse to locate this phone. Is it here? Is it there? What’s that bump in his crotch!? Lemme check! It’s really disgusting to watch them put their grubby paws on a dead body like they’re digging for treasure, but it’s also morbidly funny at the same time. :D

The cell phone actually belongs to Mama Marin, which freaks out Hanna because she’s worried that A is targeting her mom.

BTW can it be any more obvious that Mona planted the cell phone inside Detective Wilden’s coffin? “Oh dear me, it looks like A sent us the same text message!” Um bitch please, ain’t nobody buying into your bullshit! Mona, sweetie, we know you’re totally evil and still in cahoots with A no matter how much you pretend otherwise. Nice try, but let’s drop the Miss Little Innocent act here, mmmkay?

Detective Wilden’s funeral is the hottest party in town and a lot of unexpected guests show up, including Ezra & Maggie (*cue forlorn look from Aria*) and Mama DiLaurentis, who gives us this awesome exchange:

Hanna: Hi, Mrs. DiLaurentis!
Jessica: Ali would be so proud of you, Hanna. You’ve really kept the weight off.
Hanna: *strained smile* Thank you.

First thing out of Mama D’s mouth: HEFTY HANNA JOKES! *lol*

Another hilarious moment occurred when Mama DiLaurentis asked the girls to sit next to her at the funeral. The pretty little liars sit down one by one, until the awkward moment when there ain’t no room for Mona’s fat ass on the same row.

Pretty Little Liars: Whoopsie daisies, ran out of space! Sorry Mona, guess you’ll just have to sit in the row behind us with all the other nameless extras! ^_^

Another surprising party guest is Jenna and her new boy toy, who happens to be Matt Elrod from Survivor: Redemption Island!? *lolwut* Strangest cameo ever?

For all you Survivor fans out there, Matt was the guy who prayed on his bible and got voted off and won all those redemption island duels and then got voted off again and then somehow he was still in the game because that season of Survivor was so shit. Anyway, it’s really weird to see him on some ABC Family television show, because he was originally a medical student now turned aspiring mactor who goes under the name of Wyatt Nash.

Long story short, he’s just another hot guy on PLL who cleans up well and looks good in a suit. That’s all you need to know about him. *swoons*

Oh, Detective Wilden’s creepy new replacement also showed up at the funeral. Aria is already eyeing him up as an inappropriate love interest that she can put her claws on. However, this Officer Holbrook character is annoyingly mush-mouthed and speaks like he has a mouth full of marbles, so I took an immediate and irrational dislike towards him. Please stay silent and just look hot in the background from now on. Not all characters cast as eye candy needs to have speaking parts on the show, you know?

Finally, this weird ass bitch who came to the funeral and she’s all covered up from head to toe. Looks like Hanna has got some serious competition in the ridiculous wardrobe department!

At the end of the episode, this bitch takes off her veil only to reveal that she’s wearing some deformed mask underneath. Oh my god, just what we need, yet another one of these masked assholes with a mysterious unknown identity. I’m not even arsed to keep track of these fuckers anymore. You can call it A, Black Veil, Black Swan, Red Coat, whatever, whomever, I don’t care, bloop bloop bloop.

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17 Responses

  1. Default avatar new ArrivAl August 30th, 2013 / Friday

    You’re back! Yay!! I totally adore your retakes on the show. You manage to highlight all those bits that make this show such fun to watch. It is like a weird combination of cringing but still wanting to find out what happens.

    I really can’t wait until you recap the finale. No spoilers here, but it will be a worth the wait!

    Oh, and I agree totally with Toby. I preferred the edgy one over emoland. He does sinister so well. Caleb too. The PPL’s have this strange way of emasculating their love interests. No wonder Jason ran while he still had a chance.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      TYTY~ My goal is to recap all of the Season 4 episodes before the Halloween episode comes out, which seems like a realistic & achievable goal for me. Fingers crossed!

      Seriously, Spencer has kept Toby’s balls in a jar since the first season. All the guys in this show have become such pansies I can totally imagine Toby/Caleb/Ezra buying tampons & maxi pads for their girlfriends AND for themselves, that’s how emasculated they are.

  2. Default avatar DarkAngel August 30th, 2013 / Friday

    OMG!!! You’re back!!! I freaked out when I saw your recap. It was great as always.

    I didn’t even notice Hanna’s headband/beret. I loved Mona telling that random to F-off! “La bride sur le cou!” is a movie about a young model who discovers her boyfriend is thinking of leaving her for another woman, leading her to plot deadly revenge. Change boyfriend to girlfriend and that’s Mona in a nutshell. Mona/Hanna 4-Ever!

    Mama D is awesome! She needs to stay in town. We can see where Ali gets her crazy from.

    I love Jenna and her cryptic vagueness. I don’t even think Jenna knows what she’s saying anymore. Actually I don’t think anyone on this shows knows what they are saying or doing ever. And does Jenna have 99 Lovers on a wall? She takes one down, places them around town, they get killed and she has 98 Lovers on a wall.

    That was cruel of the writers to get our hopes with the Ezra arrest. He’s a pathetic loser with no life and that hasn’t changed at the end of the season either.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      Mona/Hanna forever <3 Sometimes I want them to have a blazing catfight. Othertimes I want them to kiss and make out. I just can't make up my mind on their dysfunctioanl frenemyship.

      Mama D is a fabulous addition to the show and I just love this bitch to pieces. I'm not surprised Ali got her mean streak from her mother, the poisonous apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

      alol between Jenna and Melissa, these two black widows are gonna exterminate the entire population of Rosewood. And Jenna is a goddess. <3 I love how she pretends to be like "ohnoes imma die next x_x" when we all know this bitch is practically indestructible. You can throw her into an explosion, you can throw her into a lake, you can even shoot a bullet straight in her face, she'll just cackle and come back stronger than ever.

      Ezra's arrest was just too good to be true~ And is it just me or did he get even more pathetic this season? Good grief.

  3. Default avatar KAtie August 31st, 2013 / Saturday

    You’re back!!!!! You need to get up to the finale!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      I’m eager to recap the finale too & there’re several other episodes that I particularly look forward to getting my hands on. i.e. the entire Ravenswood debacle omg~

  4. Default avatar Alex August 31st, 2013 / Saturday

    I’m glad you’re okay! :) This season has been better than the last one, thankfully. Can’t WAIT for you to get to the finale!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      Yep, I’m cautiously optimistic about Season 4 so far and I hope they keep up the momentum with the rest of the season! :)

  5. Default avatar Hoc August 31st, 2013 / Saturday

    Glad youre back, i thought you have given up the show.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      Well, throw away the prison key b/c I will stick with this ridiculous show until the day it dies~ :D

  6. Default avatar DM September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

    I’m surprised you didn’t comment on the obviously terrible wig worn by Ashley Benson in this episode. Like serious I wanted to just yank it right off.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 1st, 2013 / Sunday

      OMG YES. I thought that wig was gonna slide off Miss Hanna’s head when she was talking to Mona in the school hallway. Get a better weave gurl~~~

  7. Default avatar Beth September 23rd, 2013 / Monday

    “I cooked you breakfast!” = *puts two pieces of bread into the toaster*

    LOL omg I died at that line. Love it. Also loved the part about Spencer & Mrs. D’s staring contest. So glad you’re back.

  8. Default avatar Kayla September 25th, 2013 / Wednesday

    You’re back!! all i could think about when they didn’t make room for mona at the funeral was gretchen wieners saying “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US” lmao

  9. Default avatar ANoelle October 4th, 2013 / Friday

    OMFG YOU’RE FINALLY BACK! *throws confetti and glitter*

    (LOL at the “puts two pieces of bread in the toaster” and the “Mona using Windows” lines. XD)

    I didn’t even notice all those things in Toby’s room! I gotta give props to the set designers and costumers. I love how each character has a wardrobe AND a room perfectly suited to their personalities.

    I have a lot to catch up on so I’ll be going on a RecapPLL binge today. :D

  10. Default avatar Anonymous December 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Why so much Ali hate? She’s a bitch that’s what’s great about her in my opinion but yeah I loved the recap! Lol keep writing them :)

  11. Default avatar Hana September 8th, 2014 / Monday

    OMFG LMAO I just relaized right now that Ezra wasn’t arested I thought that was real!!!!

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