Pretty Dirty Secrets Recap – The Web Series of Pretty Little Liars

Yes, I’m even recapping the web series of Pretty Little Liars that nobody bothered to watch. Truly a new low for Recap Everything.

A few months ago, Pretty Little Liars launched a brand new webisode series called Pretty Dirty Secrets. Don’t get your hopes up, it’s not the X-rated porno parody of the show that we’ve all been waiting for. This is just a fancy way of rebranding ~5 total minutes of new video footage, none of which was interesting or important enough to make the main show in the first place. There are eight episodes in total, and each episode is around 1-3 minutes in length, so you can prolly powerwatch everything in one sitting.

I think I was supposed to watch the series before the Halloween episode, so *lolwhoops* at ignoring their existence until now.

Episode 1: A reservAtion

In this episode, A leaves behind a voice message at a mask store. The end.

I kid you not, that’s pretty much the entire episode. *lololol* When I first watched this, I seriously thought ABC Family was trolling me. I was like “um, where’s the rest of the episode?” and tried to find the full version on Youtube or something. But no, there were only 20 seconds of video footage and the rest consists of the opening and ending credits. It’s funny because the ads promoting the web series are actually longer than the episodes themselves. In fact, I’ve already written more about this episode than the total word count of the actual thing.

The full transcript:

Answering Machine: You’ve reached the Rosewood Halloween Spectacular store! We’re open 8AM to 8PM every day, including Halloween. Leave a message and we’ll get back to you.
A: I’m calling to check on my costume. It’s under the name-*BEEEEP*

WTH? That’s it? Um, where are all the ~*pretty dirty secrets*~ that we were promised from these webisodes? I know I only wasted 20 seconds of my life on this, BUT I STILL WANT A REFUND.

Episode 2: A Reunion

In this episode, Jason gets rly aggro on the phone because he paid $50,000 for his sister’s missing body, but the seller hasn’t delivered the goods yet.

Jason: *outraged* DON’T MAKE ME REPORT YOU TO THE PAYPAL POLICE AND LEAVE A NEGATIVE FEEDBACK SCORE ON YOUR PAGE!!!

Oh Jason, you beautiful rich dumbass. Can you believe this guy paid $50K for an unverified anonymous tip and then actually expect it to be legit? That’s like responding to an online dating ad and then expecting your blind date to be as young, fit and successful as the profile indicates.

I know this is the extremely OCD side of Recap Everything, but there’s one thing that bugged the hell out of me during the episode. When Cece interrupted Jason in the middle of his conversation (which was so rude btw), I noticed that he never hangs up the phone. He just lowers his arm and begins talking to Cece right away. He didn’t acknowledge his caller again and he didn’t make any motions indicating that he ended the call either. It bothered me a lot because I’m such a stickler for these tiny little details. All this time, my mind was thinking: “WHY DIDN’T JASON HANG UP THE PHONE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CALLER? HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON THIS CURRENT CONVERSATION WHEN THE PREVIOUS ONE DIDN’T END YET!? O_O”

Anyway, this is the first time that Jason and Cece have talked in years since they broke up. We find out that: a.) Jason originally thought Cece was the one who helped Alison be a runaway teen a la Maya & b.) Cece broke up with him on the next day after Alison’s disappearance.

Jason: It didn’t help that you broke up with me the next day.
Cece: I had my reasons.
Jason: You care to explain?
Cece: *lolno* We have to save that for the main show. Can’t give away any actual plot in these webisodes bb~

Jason starts bitching out Cece because she was a bad influence for Alison, and then she retaliated by going like “OH HAYULL NO! *finger snap* You do not speak to me about bad influences, Mr. ‘I Film Voyeuristic Videos of Teenage Girls And Smokes Copious Amounts of Weed’ DiLaurentis! Now get off your pedestal before I knock you off a bell tower and/or a moving train, mmmkaysista???”

Cece: Go ahead, Jason. Walk away. You know, there’s a liquor store around the corner. Maybe you should stop by and grab a drink!

Hooray for Jason being a confirmed raging alcoholic beast! FUN FACT: Crazy drunks always make the best characters on Pretty Little Liars. Bonus points if Wren is next to said character and whispers “R U PISSED???” into their ear. ^_^

Episode 3: A VoicemAil

A leaves behind another voicemail and has an asthma attack instead of saying any lines. The end.

Yep, another voicemail. I think the answering machine might actually be the main star of this webisode series. *lololol* Sadly, the distorted robotic voices coming from this piece of technology is still more expressive than 90% of the human actors on this show. =(

These voicemails are directed to the Reynolds household. I thought Garrett’s mom was dead, but apparently Mama Reynolds is still alive even though Hanna almost cut off her life support system at the hospital in an earlier episode. This only makes it more tragic because now the poor woman has to witness her son get arrested AND murdered. Such a cruel fate. ;_;

One of the voicemails reveals that Garrett and his mom were planning to leave town on November 1st, which means he’d still be alive if he didn’t risk his life to go on the Halloween train just to talk to Spencer. In fact, Garrett might not have boarded the doomsday train if Spencer agreed to talk to him at the beginning of the Halloween episode, so she’s partially responsible for his death. *lol* Poor dead Garrett.

Episode 4: I’m a Free MAn

The webisode series introduces a brand new character named Shana, who works at the Halloween store. She’s gonna appear in the second half of the PLL season. I don’t have any opinion on her atm, since I feel like her personality kinda blends in depending on the person she’s talking to, so it’s hard to get a good read on her.

It goes without saying that Shana is definitely a conniving bitch, since *duh* she’s a character on Pretty Little Liars, but I just don’t know how big of a bitch she will be until we fully see her in action. Stay tuned!

Since Shana is the new girl in town who happens to be skinny & attractive, Noel sees her and goes like I BE TAPPING DAT as he hits on her with the most cringeworthy lines. I don’t think Shana would give him the time of day if he was a physically inferior being, but Noel is proof that pick-up lines are 100% based on looks instead of any sparkling wit or humour.

Noel: All the dirty cops in Rosewood seem to be men. We could use one that’s a little easier on the eyes.

I mean, how can anyone resist so much charm and sophistication from a delightful creature like him? OUR PANTIES ARE ON THE FLOOR, NOEL KAHN. TAKE US NOW!!!

Shana: I was thinking more…sexy nurse.
Noel: I was a doctor a few years ago. Gynaecologist.

Bloody hell, is this guy STILL using that gynaecologist joke from two Halloween parties ago? Time to get some new material, bro.

Unfortunately, Shana gets ditched because Noel would rather talk to another dude instead of her. Ouch @ Garrett Reynolds being chosen as conversational partner over you. That’s the equivalent of somebody saying “I’d rather watch paint dry than speak with you.”

During their sassy exchange, Garrett tells Noel to stop harassing his mother with creepy voicemails (!?) and also warns him that Jenna is a succubus demonbeast who cannot be trusted.

Garrett: You don’t know her like I know her. She’ll use you just like she uses everybody else. That’s what she does. It’s who she is.
Noel: LOLKAY. U JELLY?

By the way, I think this is Jenna (or the extra pretending to be Jenna) dressed up as…I’m not sure how to describe this atrocity…some lobster/wrestler hybrid species? Also, it has WINGS at the back of the costume. This outfit seems awful enough to make it to the main show, so I’m surprised we didn’t see someone wearing it in the actual Halloween episode.

Episode 5: TrAde off

In this episode, Shana is being a lazy bitch who reads graphic novels during work hours. Okay, let’s pretend you are her supervisor who will assess her work performance based on this following exchange:

*customer walks in*
Shana: *with her legs on the table* Can I help you with something?
Lucas: Ah, I’m just browsing…
Shana: *promptly ignores him and resumes reading*

LOL @ the unprofessionalism at display. Does Shana’s family own the store or something? This bitch would be fired if she’s working for anybody else.

Lucas walks into the store, sees a hot girl with a comic book, and is immediately drawn to her like a moth to a flickering light. He spazzes out in front of Shana and starts blathering about ZOMG FABLES IS MY FAVOURITE SERIES EVER (kthx Lucas, this is an important fact to precisely nobody). Shana doesn’t roll her eyes and tell him to get lost like most girls would, so Lucas views this as positive reinforcement and proceeds to have a major *geekgasm*. He brags about going to Comic-Con and meeting certain comic book artists, which has been the highlight of his entire LIFE.

At this point, you can tell Shana has no idea what Lucas is blabbing about and she practically feels negative sexual desire towards him. She reminds me of one of those girls who profess “I love nerds!” while fantasizing about Noel Kahn in a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Anyway, she makes a subtle dig about Comic-Con being a “cult” and then politely tells Lucas, “Oh your story sounds epic! K, bother me again when you’re actually going to buy something. ^_^ *resumes reading*”

Here’s what I’ve observed about Brendan Robinson: I think he’s pretty good at playing a dorky/geeky persona, probably because it’s very close to what the actor’s personality is like IRL (I’m guessing?). But then, he’s much less convincing when his role demands him to be aggressive or menacing, which seems to be where PLL is taking his character these days, so he comes across as kinda uncomfortable during those scenes.

That’s why I don’t want Lucas to be evil, because I don’t think his actor can pull it off too well. He’s better off being a harmless likable character who’s pining for Hanna or rambling about comic books. Just my two cents.

Afterwards, Lucas gets involved in some vague shady dealings with a mysterious caller (“Yes, I got my ticket, master.”) and some other masked creeper (“Next time put it in an AWNvelope! *sassypants*”).

Watching this episode, I was kinda surprised at how obvious they made it that Lucas is part of The A Team. Well, him being in possession of a rape drug was all the confirmation that we ever needed about Evil Lucas, but this scene really spelled out how his character is plotting something evil for the Halloween episode. All he needs to do is zip up his black hoodie, but otherwise his affiliation is practically an open secret at this point.

Episode 6: AssociAtion

I should just end the recap right here, since nothing else happens in the remaining three episodes. Even the webisodes of Pretty Little Liars are full of meaningless filler, why am I not surprised? Truth be told, the show only had enough content for a few online episodes, but they needed to stretch this crap into eight weeks to fill the time for the hiatus. It’s disappointing that they kinda gave up and just sliced together something half-assed for the fans that actually bother to watch this series. :\

This episode is a slideshow of the pictures and the music playlist for the Halloween episode, so yeah not much to talk about. There was one moment of interest with Shana’s call history, which shows she might be in direct contact with A and Psycho Paige…

Episode 7: CAll Security

In this episode, Shana is having a phone convo with someone, being all HINT HINT MY CHARACTER (prolly) HAS CONNECTIONS TO THE A TEAM AND/OR ALISON DILAURENTIS, SO PLEASE DON’T DISREGARD ME WHEN I’M OFFICIALLY INTRODUCED ON THE SHOW.

Shana is fine in the webisodes, but tbh I’m not really sure how her character will fit in with the grand scheme of things. At best, she can be like Cece and integrate into the show right away. At worst, she can flop like Duncan (who? exactly~) and never be heard of again. We shall see.

In the second half of the episode, A sneaks into the Halloween store and almost stabbed a security guard. Imagine if that did happen and he actually died? It would’ve been such a random and unimportant death. *lol*

A is stealing the surveillance tape on the store computer. Technically, we watch A watching a surveillance tape of the scenes that we’ve already watched in a prior webisode, which is just another way of saying that we’re watching old footage on a smaller monitor. I guess the one new piece of information is that someone in the background was wearing a red jacket, which could either be Vivian Darkbloom or just some random chick who got in the way of the camera.

Episode 8: The ‘A’ Train

Finally… in this episode, A pores over a bunch of diagrams and maps of a train, which is about as interesting to watch as it sounds.

To be honest, they should have just posted up eight separate clips of Adam Lambert’s performances and it would have been 100x more entertaining than the actual webisodes. But whatever, I guess I shouldn’t complain about getting more Pretty Little Liars even if it comes in the form of a watered down, second-rate, barely-worth-watching webisode edition.

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9 Responses

  1. Default avatar Nic January 2nd, 2013 / Wednesday

    was cece wearing the same (alison) mask that mona had under her bed??
    also, thats like the 6th black person in rosewood!! (officer barry, coach 1, detective female, maya, maya’s twin…yup 6th – nate doesnt count). i give her 2 months to live. do i hear 3?

    • Default avatar Nic January 2nd, 2013 / Wednesday

      wait, mike montgomery’s basketball buddy!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 3rd, 2013 / Thursday

      I don’t think it’s the same mask – the blue eye shadow on this one is pretty cray.

      And I believe the principal who Mona/Emily blackmailed was black too? Still sad though that we can count the entire black population in two hands. *lol* =(

  2. Default avatar DM January 9th, 2013 / Wednesday

    On Shana’s playlist the songs she had we’re all songs used on the show at one point. Like the song “In My Veins” was the song used for the Spencer/Toby sex scene. Probs not a coincidence.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 12th, 2013 / Saturday

      Shana should just upload her whole music library so PLL fans don’t have to scour the Internet just to look for that *one* song on the show. ^_^

  3. Default avatar Leo January 10th, 2013 / Thursday

    Duh, that person with the queen bee/lobster costume is Aria, searching for something to wear on a typical Tuesday.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 12th, 2013 / Saturday

      It does look like a typical Tuesday school outfit for Aria. Ezra probably makes her put on the mask at nights though.

  4. Default avatar L January 11th, 2013 / Friday

    Marlene King says one male character may have a gay storyline… I bet Mike will return with a boyfriend soon!

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