Season 3 Episode 9, Pretty Little Liars Recap, The Kahn Game

EZRIA BOMBSHELL!!! Plus, Ezra’s little brother is introduced; Aria and Spencer play a game of truth & dare with Noel and Jenna; Hanna’s mom gets more tongue action than her daughter.

Hells yeah, we’re right on schedule for another fashionably late recap of Pretty Little Liars! I know the five people still reading this probably don’t even remember what happened in the past few episodes, but luckily Recap Everything is here to remind you of every single inane detail and banal storyline in this godforsaken show.

(SPOILER ALERT: As much as I’d like to discuss how Toby had been trolling us over these past 50 episodes, we must first trudge through all the boring crap that happened beforehand. Please bear with me, readers~)

So basically, NOTHING interesting happened with Emily’s storyline in this episode. She spent the entire show crying her eyes out about Maya’s website because it brought back all the sad memories and boo hoo hoo. Ugh, I wish I could muster more sympathy for her predicament, but watching a single precious tear ~*trickle*~ down Emily’s sad panda face just felt way too contrived for me.

And Shay Mitchell, omg gurl~~~ I know you’ve been taking acting classes and all, but maybe bring your performance down a notch? She opened up those FLOODGATES so freaking much that I was afraid her character might die from dehydration by the end of the episode.

Maya: I think Emily has got a very old soul, I feel it when I kiss her. I can hear clocks all over the world running backwards. If reincarnation happens, then Emily was once Cleopatra. Actually no, I think she proves reincarnation exists. You can definitely trace her back to the pyramids…

Could Maya be any more obviously stoned while recording these videos? I can’t imagine anybody crying over such incoherent cracked out nonsense, but that didn’t stop Emily from bawling like it’s the most poignant love message ever proclaimed.

We also had to put up with some MAYA POETRY SLAM as she recites a nauseating passage of love. Grab your barf bags, everyone!

That Night
Dire moments, last goodbyes
Your kisses dance like fireflies
I’m gone tonight to a dark unseen
A wish to take your light with me
You were my first, but it won’t be our last
Time travels until it’s in the past
You’d think our love was some thickening plot
They don’t know that’s all we’ve got

All of a sudden, Paige comes barging into the bedroom, probably hoping to catch Emily in some state of undress. Instead, she found HER GIRLFRIEND IN BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!!! :O Granted, that woman is on a computer screen and she’s also dead dead dead, but that still counts as some form of emotional cheating, right?

I thought Paige was going to flip out like a raging psychotic bitch, but she reacts surprisingly well and even consoles her gf with a cute anecdote involving her grandfather’s tattooed ass. Aww, isn’t that sweet? BUT you guys know that the more *normally* Paige behaves, the more *likely* her repressed crazy ass is hiding some dark sinister secret to be revealed in the season finale, because that’s just how television shows work.

In other words: don’t underestimate Psycho Paige, mwhahaha!

I’m not even sure if Hanna washed the taste of Wren out of her mouth yet, but she got back together with Caleb again. Apparently, he *threatened* her with a fake text message pretending to be A, which seems like a perfectly healthy way to rekindle a romance between two people with previous trust issues. Caleb literally says “I AM A!!!” so that they can edit last episode’s promos in a misleading manner. Anyway, a lot of dumb shit takes place and then it somehow ends with Haleb making out in the middle of nowhere.

Hanna: blah blah blah, oh no we can’t be together!!!
Caleb: blah blah blah, oh yes we can!!!
Hanna: blah blah blah, you’ll get hurt!!!
Caleb: blah blah blah, I’ll protect you! 2gether4ever!!!

My apathy towards this BULLSHIT romantic drama is at an all-time high right now, so I apologize for being so scant with the recapping. Note that I need to save up my energy to get worked up over Ezria’s ridic storyline later on.

BTW count of hands: how many people noticed that Hanna and Caleb had ~*matching hairstyles*~ in this episode? I know some couples like to get matching bracelets or wear matching clothes to express their love for each other, but isn’t this a little too extreme? It must be pretty awkward to be the girl whose boyfriend is sporting the exact same hairdo as you, no?

Actually, it must be pretty awkward to be the girl whose mother is screwing the town’s pastor, no? I mean, the ‘yo momma is a whore…’ jokes just write themselves at this point.

In Mama Marin’s defence, I don’t think I’ve seen any PLL character as determined to get laid as Pastor Ted. You would think he’ll get the hint after being brutally dumped by the Mama Marin & Mama Montgomery one-two sucker punch, but this guy is relentless in his quest to become a long-term love interest on the show. Ted pulls out all the stops with his *charming smile* and *tight red polo shirt* so he managed to score a second date with Ashley… but only because he asked first before she had the time to turn him down again!

Pastor Ted might be a man of the cloth, but he’s still a horny guy with an ulterior motive at the end of the day, which explains his BLATANT attempt to get Ashley drunk during the date. I mean, she hasn’t even put down her glass yet and he’s already like “LEMME POUR YOU MORE~ ;)” with the giddy enthusiasm of a man who knows he’s one wine bottle away from getting lucky tonight.

Ted came prepared with two wine bottles on this diner date, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he also brought a wedding ring and a condom in his pocket, just in case this evening went unexpectedly well in his favour. However, Ashley spent most of the date owning Detective Wilden over the phone, leaving the poor pastor all by himself with an unfinished bottle of wine. *buzzer sound* DENIED!

After the date, Pastor Ted voluntarily washes the dishes (yeah, that shit isn’t gonna last once they get married) which marks the first time that somebody used the sink for its proper function in this household – take notes, Hanna!

Ted: I’m sorry, idle hands…
Ashley: You’re apologizing for cleaning up my kitchen. Please don’t.

More like PLEASE DON’T STOP, amirite? Mama Marin looks like she can barely refrain from asking him to also clean the toilet, mop the floors, fix the sink, unclog the drains, dust the shelves, take out the garbage, do the laundry, mow the lawn, pay the bills, and then prepare her a warm bath upstairs before the end of this date. But hey, that’s what a third date is for, right?

Being a domestic god has boost Pastor Ted’s sex appeal by ten notches, but Ashley still hesitates before sharing an intimate moment with him. C’mon lady, he rightly *earned* that kiss! Doing your household chores should be considered a Top 3 romantic gesture, just right below serenading and spooning. You don’t love somebody unless you’re willing to scrub their dishes!

WOOO TOUCHDOWN!!! ATTA GIRL!!! GO GET SOME!!! Yes, I realize I am way more invested in this secondary relationship than the official lead couples, and two of whom I merely skimmed through earlier in the recap. I can’t help it though, because it’s so damn juicy watching the romance develop between a pastor and his whore. They’re giving me so much material for my future recaps. :D

Let’s all point fingers and laugh at Spencer for getting a B on her physics homework. WHAT. A. DUMBASS.

This episode, we witness a major meltdown from Spencer, who is on a self-imposed *academic probation* since she got a less than stellar grade in one homework assignment. From the way she reacted, I don’t think Spencer was aware there were any letter grades in school other than an ‘A’ up until now. She must have thought the ‘B’ grade stood for ‘brain damage’ or ‘burger flipper’ or ‘bye-bye university prospects’.

Spencer was too nice to admit that her affiliation with Aria, Hanna and Emily must have caused the rapid deterioration of her brain cells. I mean, Aria is only doing well in school because she’s either related to the teacher or giving out sexual favours to them. Emily is only getting good grades because the teachers are cheating on tests for her. And Hanna is only rolling her eyes at those academic losers while coasting towards graduation with her C-minus average. I know Spencer enjoys being the smartest head bitch in her group of friends, but gurrrrl they’re dragging you down!

Spencer is also uber-paranoid because SHE FORGOT TO APPLY TO COLLEGE ZOMG. Or at least she missed the deadline for early admissions.

Hmm, I’m having a difficult time believing that she’d forget something like this. It seems oddly out-of-character, even if she might have a lot on her plate with some twisted psychopath trying to end her life and all. Let’s face it… when other children were learning how to write the alphabet, Spencer Hastings was probably learning how to write out her college application. How could she not remember to apply!?!?

Aria: Hey Spencer, you’re gonna be OK… ^_^

No joke, Spencer actually said that she had a ~*dream university*~ since she was an eight-year-old little girl. I didn’t even exaggerate that part!

Spencer: I’m dropping my Velma act. From now on, I’m Daphne. Because I have got a boyfriend to get back and I’ve a college to get into!
Aria: I think you’re confusing which Scooby Doo character would have gotten into an Ivy League.

Yeah, Velma is definitely getting into an Ivy League, whereas Daphne will likely end up as a sorority slut plastered in some guy’s bedroom at a Friday night kegger, so Spencer can afford to aim her life aspirations a little higher.

Cece: UPenn? Who’s applying?
Spencer: Not me… ’cause I’m going to community college!

Hmm, community college? That sounds quite *ambitious* for somebody who practically failed her senior year physics class! What led Spencer to believe that she can graduate from high school in the first place!? NOT WITH THOSE ATROCIOUS GRADES!

Cece: Hey, you don’t need early admissions. You’re a Hastings! If I can get in, you can get in!
Spencer: *disbelief* You went to U. Penn!?
Cece: Okay, dial down the shock…

Gotta admit, I had the same knee-jerk reaction as Spencer – and not in the fake way when she backtracked about dissing Cece to her face. We’re both such snobs. *lol* Too bad the uni grad is now working as a retail clerk at some boutique store with a three-eyed demon baby, so that tells you a lot about the value of education, doesn’t it?

Let’s get real though, Cece’s character has FIRST-YEAR UNIVERSITY DROPOUT written all over her. Besides, most colleges accept pretty much any student nowadays so they can fail you in your first year & take away all your money.

Spencer has this ridiculous notion since she thinks Cece is like the dean’s daughter who can somehow snap her fingers and admit any random acquaintance into college. And then Cece is like LOL BITCH JOO CRAZY, but she invites them to a party to hook up with drunk college-aged guys, which is the next best thing I guess.

Cece mentioned some dude who works at the university will be attending the party, so Spencer is like IMMA GOTTA DRESS 2 IMPRESS …which means she decides to wear her most collegiate looking blazer paired with a little black funeral dress from her mom’s closet.

Aria: Spencer, you’re going to meet this U. Penn guy at a party on a Friday night. Okay, so I don’t really think the attire is business formal.

Wow, you know you aren’t wearing the appropriate clothes when ARIA MONTGOMERY of all people notices your impractical fashion choices!

More importantly, there’s a very ~*revealing*~ scene in this episode when we watch Aria march over to the closet, randomly picks out two articles of clothing, and then declares that Spencer should wear this mismatched ensemble for the party.

OH MY GOODNESS, I think we just deciphered the lifelong mystery of how Aria dresses herself every morning. As expected, she spends literally three seconds grabbing whatever random crap is in the closet, and that’s pretty much her outfit for the day. No wonder this bitch shows up in such ridiculous and uncoordinated clothes all the time!

Afterwards, Aria and Spencer have a cutesy convo as they giggle about shaving off Papa Hastings’ sideburns or something. I didn’t pay attention though, because I was too distracted by Aria jumping around and rolling all over in her itsy bitsy short green dress. Holy smokes, you should NOT be doing bedside aerobics in that flimsy little skirt while the cameras are rolling! I saw a lot of *ARIA THIGH O_O* and I honestly thought we were gonna get an accidental panty shot from her!

Speaking of which, those white pants are wayyy too tight on her and we got a whole lotta unfortunate cameltoe action going on. (As you can see, Aria’s crotch is a hot topic in this episode’s recap.)

Oh, you know who else is hot for Aria’s crotch? Obviously this guy, who happens to be Ezra’s little brother. The whole purpose of Wesley Fitzgerald is for his character to become Aria’s love interest at some point in the near future, you can see it coming a mile away, even worse than the time they changed Jason’s actor and began shoehorning him into random inexplicable scenes with Aria.

Yeah, I know the Wesria relationship is still platonic at the moment, but I am confident that he’ll develop romantic feelings for his brother’s girlfriend before the end of this season. And oh my god, the bullshit drama is gonna be absolutely UNBEARABLE~~~ *gun to head*

All cynical bitching aside… Ezra’s brother is pretty cute, huh? ;) I’m not that familiar with the actor Gregg Sulkin (he was in some Disney show, idk?) but he definitely has the look of a teen heartthrob. Plus, he has quite an uncanny resemblance to Ezra, and I can actually believe the two of them look like brothers, so good job casting this one!

Of course, the show also has a well-established history of casting tons of good looking people who can’t seem to act at all, but I’ll try to keep an open mind.

I’m glad that we are introduced to so many of Ezra’s relatives lately, especially since they all seem to be way more interesting characters than Ezra himself. First there was Queen Dianne, and now we get to meet Prince Wesley! Ah yes, the Fitzgeralds are practically like the royal family of this show. If we’re drawing comparisons, that means Ezra and Wesley are akin to Prince William & Prince Harry… which makes Aria the jailbait version of Kate Middleton, I suppose? *lol*

Ezra needs to borrow money from his mother (aka. the queen’s treasury) to buy back the vintage car that he sold earlier in the season, so I guess we’re still pretending that is a legitimate excuse of a poorly thought-out storyline? There’s some long-winded explanation about the whole situation, but in short: Ezra has #mommyissues and #richpeopleproblems.

Cece takes Aria and Spencer to a college party hosted by Eric Kahn, who happens to be Noel’s older brother. And then Aria said something like: “Oh, I wish I had a brother too! It’s too bad that I’m an only child with no existing siblings whatsoever~”

Okay, she didn’t really say that. But where art thou this season, Mike Montgomery???

Aria: This is Noel Kahn’s cabin!
Cece: Oh yeah, Eric does have a little brother, doesn’t he? Tell me, does douchebaggery run in the family?

Do you even have to ask? *snickers*

Brothers, brothers, brothers everywhere! We’re at the point where we get to see every character’s brother except for Aria’s. Anyway, meet Eric Kahn – a mostly pointless character introduced to fill the hot guy quota on the show. They could have at least made him do a shirtless kegstand at the party or something, sheesh.

Team Sparia finds out the origins of that mysterious wrist tattoo, which wouldn’t even be a mystery in the first place if Holden just said that he and Maya got this stamp at Eric Kahn’s party. There, a simple one-sentence answer, was it really so hard to explain? Fucking Holden and his fucking unnecessary secrets. D:

Aria: Okay, I’m starting to think it was a really bad idea for us to come here.
Spencer: There’s no way I’m playing truth or dare with a bunch of drunk horny college boys.

Unintentionally funniest line alert! The irony here is that Spencer seems so eager to get accepted into university, yet has no idea that the best part of her college experience will be spent around these drunk college boys.

After freaking out over how poorly she’s doing in school, it was only *logical* for Spencer to further neglect her studies and go to a keg party instead. Of course, she and Aria spent most of the time not drinking any alcohol, not socializing with any other people, and not having any resemblance of fun ~*until*~ Noel and Jenna’s arrival…

Afterwards, these four bitches start playing a ridiculously intense game of Truth (without the Dare part) which got really ugly really quickly!

Noel: Where did you meet your current boyfriend?
Aria: At a bar. Did you ever invite Maya St. Germain to any of these parties?
Noel: Jeez, you’re morbid. This is a party, Aria! Ask me how many sexual partners I have!

Noel’s questions mostly involve him trying to bust Aria’s balls and get her to admit that Ezra is a morally corrupt pedo.

Noel: Did you ever have sex with your teacher?
Aria: No, I never had sex with my teacher.
Noel: Well…
Aria: IT’S MY TURN! How do you know Maya?
Noel: Hot new girl, and she likes the ladies, and she moves into the DiLaurentis house. Everyone knew Maya.

Noel and Jenna were just OOZING WITH PURE EVIL throughout this scene. Since it was Ezria that they were attacking though, I rooted for them to be as catty and nasty as possible. Their scathing words were like music to my ears, hehe~

Noel: *smirkysmirk* Why don’t you tell us all who your boyfriend is? And what he did for a living during the first few months of your relationship?
Jenna:*smirkysmirk* It’s okay, Aria. We already know the answer.

Later, Aria throws a bitch fit and goes like I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE INSULTED IN MAH LIFE!!! ;_; …which seems strange since everything Noel asked is true? Maybe Aria wouldn’t have felt so offended if she didn’t gobble on her teacher’s turkey in the first place? Just a thought.

Spencer consoles her friend by saying something along the lines of “Don’t worry, you didn’t say anything that would put Ezra in jail” which kinda sums up everything that is fundamentally wrong with their relationship, no?

Our next heavyweight match is between Spencer and Jenna. I won’t transcribe their entire exchange, but let’s just say it was a full glorious minute of these two backbiting bitches throwing nonstop shade at each other. *popcorn*

Jenna: Why is your mother defending a murderer?
Spencer: Because she thinks Garrett is innocent. Maybe Maya’s murderer is still at large…
Jenna: You don’t think it’s because he started dating your sister?
Spencer: I think you’re gonna have to wait your turn.

Here are the major revelations to come out of the game:

a.) Jenna and Noel have read the scripts from the previous episodes, so they know all about the dumb secrets that the pretty little liars are desperately trying to conceal.
b.) Jenna and Noel found Emily drunk off her ass at the dinner, and not in the middle of the road like she originally claimed.
c.) Jenna and Noel are fucking scary as a power couple, sheesh! I can only imagine that they spend their romantic evenings together around a cauldron while devouring fresh human souls.

By the way, did it occur to any of the characters that they can lie during the game? It’s not like they took a *truth serum*, so why would anyone in their right minds reveal the darkest and most scandalous secrets in front of such a large public audience?

Spencer: Tell me where Alison’s body is!
Jenna: Oh sure, I’ll tell you exactly how I dug up Alison’s grave and where I stashed her corpse afterwards… in front of a dozen witnesses who could later report me to the police. Yeah, I’ll confess everything because this truth or dare game is VRY SRS BSN~

Finally, this has to be said: Jenna got even eviller after she gained her eyesight back, y/y? I thought she was scary when she was just a blind witch, but now she’s like a fucking BEAST devouring and demolishing everything in her way. Gotta love this bitch.

Cece has a friend who works at U. Penn, and this guy could put Spencer’s late college application into the submission pile for her. This alleged “Steven from Admissions” pulled a Mike Montgomery though and never made an on-screen cameo. We don’t get to see his character, but we’re supposed to believe:

a.) He actually exists.
b.) He shows up at the party for all of two seconds.
c.) Then, this dude LEAVES the party just so he can DELIVER Spencer’s college application.
d.) When Spencer returns home on the same night, she receives an e-mail confirmation from U. Penn, which has accepted her application.

Um okay? What a bizarre and peculiar turn of events. *head scratch* It’s not that I’m naturally inclined to feel sceptical about Cece’s motives for helping Spencer, but what are the chances of the above story coming true versus the probability of Cece pulling a mean girl prank on Spencer and never submitted her university application at all? Anyone wanna compare the odds?

Yeah, this storyline is probably a big hoax, but I love the thought of Steven from Admissions rushing back to university campus on a FRIDAY EVENING, while leaving behind his drunken half-naked friends at the party, just so he can submit this application for a person that he has never met before. What a fucking loser. *lol*

Aria leaves in the middle of the party and gets a ride from Wesley, since the showrunners require them to spend more screentime together to justify a future romantic storyline. Am I reading too much into this or did Aria intentionally flash Wesley her boobs by bending over in that position? Gurl, that green dress of yours is just TROUBLE.

Aria: First you take his phone. Then you take his car. What’s next? Actually, don’t answer that.

Aria and Wesley did some harmless flirting during the drive at first, and they even “grabbed a bite together” which was probably left out on the cutting room floor by some overzealous Ezria fan in the production team. Anyway, I had zero expectations of anything interesting that might happen during this scene, but then…


Wesley: So, he told you about Maggie? I didn’t even find out until recently. I was pretty young when it happened. Ezra gets her pregnant, wants to do the right thing, and then my mom shows up with her magic purse strings. Whoosh, there goes that problem.

OH MY FUCKING GODDDDD!!! Pregnancy, abortion and Ezra – here are three things that I would have never associated together until now. When I heard the news at first, I felt like somebody smashed a shovel into my brain because I couldn’t process the information. Like seriously, this was a pretty big WTF moment for me!

Aria: What do you mean ‘there goes that problem’!?

It means ABC Family doesn’t want these characters to blurt out ABORTION ABORTION ABORTION in every other sentence, so they have to skirt around the topic and use euphemisms instead. Yeah, here’s one of the very few A-lettered words that the PLL writers *won’t* use any clever word plays on.

Aria’s reaction was like WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?!? And then, Wesley tries to feign innocence and goes like “Oh? Ezra didn’t tell you about that, did he? ^_^”

Yeah right. This little shit dropped the bombshell with a clear intention of sabotaging his brother’s relationship, as part of his diabolical master plan to get closer to Aria. Wesley *knows* exactly what he’s doing.

Before Ezra met Aria (and Jackie), there was this chick named Maggie. In the summer after their high school graduation, he got this girl pregnant and then let his mother bribe her into getting an abortion. Their contract consists of: a.) ditch the baby & b.) cease all future contact with Ezra.

OMG could this storyline get any more soap opera!? I want to say I’m intrigued, but I know they’ll beat this to the ground over the next dozen of episodes until all the fun has been sucked out of it, just like what happens with every other Ezria subplot in this show.

Aria was majorly pissed that her boyfriend hid such a big secret from her, but as always she buckled after hearing his pathetic sob story. Ezra’s excuse is that he was so young and scared at the time, plus his mom was a TOTAL BITCH, which is enough reason for Aria to forgive him for his past discretions or whatever.

In Ezra’s defense, it’s not exactly easy to have this type of conversation with your teenage girlfriend and go like: “Hey Aria, fun fact – did you know that I knocked up another girl when she was around your age? :D”

Why am I not surprised that Ezra has a past history of getting high school girls pregnant? Watch out Aria, YOU ARE NEXT~~~

Read more recaps!

13 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    Peed myself. I love how the writers made the least shady mofo part of the A team, like it's totally plausible, like a teacher in a first job hooking up with a student. Looking forward to your next recap, I'm Sick, so this brightened up my day :P

  2. Default avatar Anonymous September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    Lol, I wouldn't have been surprised if Ezra was a virgin when he met Aria tbh. And PLL really need to hire someone who isn't a generic white dark-haired dude.

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 17th, 2012 / Monday

      That's why they had Nate! LOL

  3. Default avatar Anonymous September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    Love this !! Glad you are back !! I totally thought Ezra was a virgin until he and Aria boned but I guess not. And I can't wait to you talk about the whole Toby thing, I mean really, let's just make the audience question everything they believed in. The next person on the A team will probably be Papa Fields. The writes will probably be like Papa Fields was not even in the Army, that was just a cover to make him Big A.

  4. Default avatar Sam September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    Worth the wait!

  5. Default avatar Anonymous September 8th, 2012 / Saturday

    i loved the whole spencer getting a B comments…haha

  6. Default avatar Anonymous September 9th, 2012 / Sunday

    YAY. Another generic dark-haired, dark-eyed, pretty boy to add to the cast of guys on this show that no one can tell apart.


    I missed your snark and sarcasm! ;A;


  7. Default avatar Unknown September 9th, 2012 / Sunday

    wow, Ezra got around. Engaged to Jackie, Impregnated teenage student, screwed his jailbait gf…i think Ezra has more skeletons yet to come…i bet you wesley wasnt the one screwing mike…omg, twist, ezra was! aria's gonna feel so betrayed o-O

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 11th, 2012 / Tuesday

      OMG! I'm shipping it!

  8. Default avatar Anonymous September 17th, 2012 / Monday

    Thank you! This recap made me LOL in my dark room all by myself! You are amazing!

  9. Default avatar Anonymous September 18th, 2012 / Tuesday

    You're a genius for spotting the matiching hairstyle!
    Plus, if Wesley and Mike had a romantic storyline, I would die from joy~

  10. Default avatar Anonymous April 16th, 2014 / Wednesday


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