Season 3 Episode 8, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Stolen Kisses

EZRA’S MOM ACTS LIKE A GLORIOUS BITCH; Maya’s website gets unlocked; Hanna and Wren kiss for the first time.

Can we skip the rest of the recap and discuss the magnificent glory of Queen Fitzgerald instead???

I guess some other stuff happened in this episode, but none of it really matters when you’ve just watched Ezra’s mom throw endless shade at Aria and put that silly jailbait floozy in her place. What’s great about her character is that she delivers her derogatory remarks with such graceful sophistication and measured restraint, so her pristine smile never falters even as she’s calling Aria an immoral golddigging lolita temptress. Watching Dianne in action was truly like BITCHERY: THE MASTERCLASS.

In case you can’t tell, I love Ezra’s mom. I seriously love everything about that woman. I love her shiny gold bling. I love her modern interpretation of the Jackie O hairdo. I love that she’s dressed like a museum curator meets a diplomatic ambassador going for afternoon tea at the country club. I love how she spells her name with two obnoxious N’s. I love that when she speaks, she sounds like somebody secretly plotting your demise while writing an imaginary suicide note on your behalf. I love that every word out of her mouth is some underhanded insult at Aria. I love her permanent conniving smile. I love her whole snooty rich bitch persona. I LOVE HER~~~

Here’s what you need to know about Queen Fitzgerald:

1.) SUPER RICH BITCH who throws her money at charity fundraisers, lavish parties, designer clothing, diamond accessories, and other extravagant luxuries that most humans wouldn’t dream of during their lifetimes. Long live the One Percent!
2.) I think she divorced Ezra’s father and got like billions of dollars from the settlement, so you go girl!
3.) She hates Aria with a blazing passion that warms my heart. ^_^

Queen Fitzgerald describes Aria as “the mysterious girl with the lyrical name”, which is pretty much the only nice thing that she says about her…and then it all goes downhill from there.

Of course, Aria has the foolish notion of wanting to be BESTIES with her future mother-in-law, and even invites her to have *coffee* together. Ezra’s mom looks like she’s thinking: “Coffee!? What a common and classless beverage most appropriate for a peasant like you. I drink only herbal soup in the morning, tea in the afternoon, wine in the evening, and human blood after dark.”

BTW can you imagine this woman showing up at your local Starbucks? I don’t think Queen Fitzgerald would ever step foot into a coffee shop unless it’s used as a bomb shelter in the next world war.

The introduction of Ezra’s mother opens up a full closet of skeletons, including the fact that he changed his last name from FITZGERALD to FITZ.

1.) My first reaction was WTF!? Isn’t there some kind of law that forbids sex offenders from changing their names!?
2.) My second reaction was how *weird* it seems that Aria didn’t know about the name change when she proclaimed herself as ‘Mrs. Fitz’ since the first season. I bet now she has to redo all the wedding invitations again!

Aria: Fitzgerald, huh?
Ezra: If you wanna be a writer, you don’t want an albatross like that around your neck!
Aria: Right. And what if your last name was Hemingway?
Ezra: Then I would be Ezra Hem.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot that Ezra wanted to be a writer! I guess those career ambitions got put aside when he was so busy chasing teenage tail instead. And *lol* at him thinking that he’d be relevant enough in the literary industry for anybody to care what his name is.

Ezra has been keeping his underage girlfriend from his family like a dirty little secret, why am I not surprised? Any intelligent girl would realize that the only reason her boyfriend would keep their Facebook relationship status as a secret is because HE FEELS UTTERLY ASHAMED. But of course Aria misses the obvious signs and eats up whatever bullshit excuse that Ezra comes up with.

Aria: What does she know about us?
Ezra: She knows that I love you.

TRANSLATION: She knows that her son loves boinking minors and it’s making her rue the night that she didn’t use contraception.

Ezra: I told her we didn’t start seeing each other until after I left Rosewood High…
Aria: You lied to your mother!

Full-grown adult men who have serious mommy issues are such a turn-on, amirite?

I wish I can sit here and talk about our beloved queen all day, but this is the part of the recap where I must discuss the other storylines in the episode. Sigh.

Does anybody even care that Mona might be transferred to another psych ward in New York? I don’t see any upcoming projects on Janel Parrish’ IMDB page, which means she has as much chance of leaving the show as Emily did with her AHM MOVIN’ TU TEXAS subplot last season. Nonetheless, Wren still felt the necessity to invite Hanna on a coffee date to make this very unimportant announcement, because a simple phone call or e-mail message wouldn’t have sufficed.

Hanna: I believe it would be very therapeutic for Mona to stay at Radley. She needs the continuity of clinical environment so important to fully integrate the socially challenged teen back into the peer community.

Hanna’s plea to keep her deranged best friend on the show consists of reading out her ~*cue cards*~ to a bunch of middle-aged men in business suits. She was one PowerPoint slideshow away from turning this into an atrocious high school presentation.

Eventually, Hanna goes off script and starts yapping about how she and Mona faced so much adversity as UNPOPULAR GURLS, which led to her crazy behaviour or something. IDK what bullshit she’s spewing, but I do feel sorry for these sad sacks who have nothing better to do with their lives than listen to a teenage girl ramble on about her first world problems.

Hanna: We were so close to becoming those girls who would sit at a table and guard purses while the hot girls were on the floor dancing!

WHAT A COMPELLING ARGUMENT! Hanna somehow managed to win over the hospital panel with that clear demonstration of her maturity and eloquence. As a result, Mona gets to stay at Rosewood instead of leaving for New York to pursue an overpriced arts education and achieve futile Broadway ambitions with her gay BFF during the fourth season of this trainwreck program.

Mona gets to stay on the show and Hanna celebrates by planting a big wet sloppy smacker on Wren!!! If you thought this kiss was an inappropriate emotional response, came out of fucking nowhere, and made zero sense, then you are absolutely correct. Not that anybody should expect coherency from Pretty Little Liars by now.

I guess Wren is like some kind of magnetic force field and no female character can resist his gravitational pull. Or he’s just a giant slut. Either way… GET IN THERE WREN~~~ :D :D :D

Oh, don’t even pretend that you didn’t see this Wrenna kiss coming after they started talking about that ~*ambiguous loss*~ horseshit since the second episode. Quite frankly, I’m surprised it took him this long to mack on a chick, considering he made moves on Spencer ten minutes after she broke up with Toby, so this is actually Wren taking things slow compared to his past personal records.

While Hanna has certainly moved on and gettin’ busy with another guy, her ex-boyfriend is also stirring up some bizarre romantic chemistry with Spencer of all people. I don’t know what’s up with these two, but they were doing some major flirting throughout the episode that must have fuelled the fantasies of a thousand crack shippers.

Spencer: Hey sexi, wanna come over to my house and crack mah password? *flutters eyelids*
Caleb: Oh, I would love to hack the shit out of you and do all sorts of unspeakable things to your partition drive.

I’m sure Spencer and Caleb were just having a very PLATONIC MOMENT together while they were sitting on a couch and he was getting all giggly and she was practically feeling up his muscles. Get a room, you two! Oh wait, they did that too!!! :O

Sidebar: I love the scene when Caleb tried to act modest about his mom buying all kinds of new expensive shit for him, but Spencer cuts through his bullshit by welcoming the latest inductee to the RICH PEOPLE CLUB. We’ve come a long way since the teen hobo in Season 1. Now Caleb is just another pampered rich teenager, because we can never have too many of those characters on television!

I think Spoby fans should be a little worried. When you think about it, Cancer (yes that’s the official ship name, you better believe it~) has a lot in common with each other. Both of them are smart + rich + same hair colour + hold their bags in the same over-the-shoulder manner = 100% COMPATIBLE MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN!!!

It probably didn’t help that Toby was acting like an annoying little shit during this episode. He got his panties all in a twist over that drunk driving scandal last episode, especially since Jason left town to keep a low profile. This ENRAGES Toby for some reason, because he seems to be the only person who cares enough to keep up with this unfortunate storyline. He’s milking the drama as much as possible, probably because it’s the most exciting thing to happen to his character in the past thirty or so episodes.

Toby got quite aggressive with Spencer by snatching away her cell phone and going like BITCH U BETTER LISTEN 2 ME, which is kind of sexy if you’re turned on by guys who display early warning symptoms of domestic abuse. I mention this because it isn’t the first time we’ve seen Toby’s violent side come out. And every time he raises his fist out of anger, I admit that I get a little bit scared for Spencer’s sake… D:

Toby is still my favourite male character, but I think I prefer him when he’s behaving more of a ~*feisty bitch*~ rather than a dangerous aggressor. For instance, I enjoyed the moment when he got all sassy and told Hanna to TALK 2 THE HAND when he was too busy bitching out Spencer.

Spencer: I was just trying to protect him…
Toby: I think you are the one who needs protection!

And the unintentionally funniest line of the episode goes to Toby, who probably didn’t intend his sentence to come out that way, but HEY HEY~ :D

Spencer: He’s my brother, Toby.
Toby: And the people you really need protecting from are the ones you’re related to!

*ewwlol* This is like the second episode in a row where Toby made these subtle incest digs at Spencer & Jason, which is only hilarious for somebody with an immature gutter mind like me.

It’s not usually my style to compliment the pretty little liars on anything because I’m a raging bitch, but I thought Emily looked so beautiful in this episode with her lil’ cute fedora hat, her gorgeous hair & her flawless skin. Shay Mitchell always looks like she just walked off from the set of a model photo shoot, so it’s quite the feat to make her look even hotter than normal. Whoever styled her in this scene gets an A+ from me!

Nate continues his habit of stalking Emily and acting like a shady mofo in general. I mean, the only reason they’d focus so much on Maya’s alleged ‘cousin’ is because he’s obviously guilty as fuck, right? At this point, I hope that he does turn out to be Maya’s killer because the alternative of him hogging up so much airtime for no good reason is just UNACCEPTABLE.

Nate isn’t doing himself any favours after he described in graphic detail about an ~*erotic fantasy*~ of murdering Garrett with his bare hands, which sounded so dark and psycho that even Emily was like *wtfdude* at him. And then Nate has the nerve to say stuff like “I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t want you to be afraid of me…” while wearing an enormous evil smirk on his face! Oh Nate, can you be any more conspicuous?

The PLL writers finally got their shit together and figured out how Maya was supposed to die. At last, we get some insights into her death ….albeit it has been eight episodes since the cliffhanger ending last season, but better late than never. -_-”

Apparently Nate smashed her in the head with a pipe or metal bar, and then she croaked right there in Emily’s backyard! TBH I thought the murder weapon might turn out to be the gun that A stole from Papa Hastings’ desk drawer, since they teased us so much about it last season. But I should have known better about sloppy loose ends that will never get resolved on this show.

Also, I’ve been wondering how the hell Garrett is connected to Maya’s murder in any way. Now we discover some guy named Bart claims that he saw Maya get into a police car on the night of her murder. Hmm, I have doubts about the testimony, mostly since his character seems like such an ineffectual schlub. In a few episodes or so, I’m speculating Bart will: a.) be exposed of lying about what he saw, or b.) get bribed by A into changing his statement.

As it turns out, Bart has another vivid memory of Maya & Emily, one that involves some steamy girl-on-girl action in the cinema!

Bart: Yeah, I know who you’re talking about. I remembered those two girls. That is a couple you don’t forget~~~

LMAO he sounds like such a perv. I’m glad he stopped before revealing the part where he most likely pleasured himself while watching them. In Bart’s defence though, he’s working a boring job at a small town, so I don’t blame him for thinking that two hot girls making out = the fondest memory in his career.


We get our first look at Maya’s website with the Comic Sans font from hell. Although the colour scheme is tacky and the design seems deceptively basic, the site seemed quite *technical* and *advanced*. She had pop-up windows, dropdown menus, interactive lightboxes, swishy animations, and a video gallery that can enlarge or shrink when your mouse hovers over it. Bloody hell, it takes me forever just to get all the pictures to align on my shitty little blog, so I guess I’m easily impressed when it comes to fancy schmancy web design.

After successfully hacking into Maya’s website, Spencer and Caleb share some PLATONIC HUGSIES that totally have no romantic connotations whatsoever, how dare you think that!? Besides, Hanna and Wren set the bar pretty high when it comes to displaying inappropriate physical intimacy, so a hug seems quite harmless in the grand scheme of things.

Maya’s website consists of these random little video diaries where she says whatever is on her mind at the moment. In other words, she rambles about a lot of incoherent bullshit, but I can relate since the Recap Everything site is exactly the same way. ^_^

In addition to digging up graves, jumping out of cars and getting kidnapped at diners, Drunk Emily also found the time to give Paige a late night ~*booty call*~. For somebody who was supposed to be drugged out of her mind, there was never a dull moment in her schedule. At this point, we might need to chart out a timeline just to keep track of all her activities.

P.S. Note that the more twists they introduce, the less likely we’re going to get a satisfying resolution to that night’s events. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Paige: I was holding you up. Then I wasn’t holding you up. You were holding me up.

Okay, this is probably the closest thing we’ll get to an in-depth description of lesbian sex before the network censors it, so you guys better savour the moment.

Tragically, they didn’t bother to show us the flashback where Psycho Paige molested Drunk Emily, which sounds like an amazing scene even as I’m typing out that sentence. This was the same Paige who tried to get lucky with Emily back when she was still conscious, not to mention Emily was all IMMA SHOWYU MAH BOOBIES during her drunken stupor, so we could’ve watched some hilariously epic fireworks between these two lezzies.

Instead, we had to settle for a consensual kiss by the pool, which was sorta nice, but just imagine what could have been~ ;_;

Afterwards, Emily and Paige do some ~*synchronized swimming*~ with each other which was just lulzy as hell. And see how romantic a swimming pool can be when you’re not trying to drown your love interest?

BTW PAIGE IS FUCKING LOADED. Look at the size of that house!!! And oh my goodness, I’ve seen smaller swimming pools in an Olympic stadium than that gulf of water in her backyard!

How many wealthy motherfuckers exist in this show!? Are there any poor people living in this fictional town!? It’s starting to feel like the rest of America is the 99% while the Rosewood townspeople make up all of the 1%. Those protesters need to move away from Wall Street and #OccupyRosewood instead.

Aria is invited by Ezra’s mother to attend an extravagant art function, so she needs fashion advice on what to wear at such a glamorous venue (as opposed to, y’know, all the gowns that Aria puts on when she’s roaming around the high school hallways).

Emily’s advice for her was: “Hmm, something with enough fabric to cover up your shoulders would be a good start.”

Spencer: What do you want to borrow?
Aria: I want something classy but not frumpy.
Spencer: *bitchface* :|
Aria: Not that you have frumpy!

It’s probably not the most convincing argument when Spencer is dressed like she took a rumpled shirt from the bottom of her dad’s drawer. And then she somehow hoped that putting a belt around her waist would make this look more fashionable. Sorry, but nope!

One of the unintentionally funniest exchanges in the episode goes to Ezra, who asks his girlfriend whether she’s angry after discovering that his family is obscenely rich.

Aria: Your family doesn’t have money… your family has MONEY!
Ezra: Are you angry?
Aria: No…no, I don’t think so.

Aria is so earnest, hehe. What kind of stupid question is that anyway? Would you be angry after finding out that your broke ass boyfriend actually has a shitload of money from his family fortune? Hmm, let me ponder about that one. *hand on chin*

I thought Aria would fit right in with this pretentious artsy aristocratic crowd, but deep down we all knew she was a bit of a poser. Attending this upper-class party has exposed her as nothing more than Ezra’s trophy jailbait.

We’ll finish this recap with a delightful play-by-play commentary as Ezra’s mother tears down Aria, devours her without any mercy, and then spits out her bones in the most delightful manner. After this scene, I dropped down on my knees, worshipping this glorious goddess of a woman, and I think you should do the same thing too.

Let’s take a look at her greatest hits, shall we?

Dianne: Well, you certainly know about the dedicated teacher, the struggling writer, you fit right into that world. You get to be the muse.
Aria: Oh no, I wouldn’t pretend to be that…
Dianne: Don’t diminish yourself! You’ve a very important role in this!
Aria: I just… I don’t think myself as playing any role with Ezra.
Dianne: No, I don’t suppose you do. *smirk*

This was Queen Fitzgerald making lighthearted chit-chat, by the way. She’s just getting warmed up!

Dianne: Your parents are divorced, right? Recently?
Aria: Yeah, yeah they are.
Dianne: As recently as when you are seeing Ezra? Seeing him romantically, I mean.


Aria: You ask questions like you already know the answers. *ARIA EYES O_O*

I think that’s the beauty of Queen Fitzgerald’s interrogation technique. She doesn’t go for the easy insults right away, but opts for a slower seduction process instead. She lures Aria into a false sense of security at first, getting her to open up and make a fool out of herself. And then she slips in a subtle bitchy comment here and there. And then the scathing remarks keep building and accumulating until she goes for the direct kill at the climax of the conversation. Her technique was so masterful to watch that she brought tears of joy to my eyes.

Dianne: Oh, but it’s such an interesting family! Your brother’s arrest record, your romance with a former teacher, the way your mother moved out over your father’s infidelity… You can literally chart the cracks and strains!

WHAT A FUCKING BITCH. *cackles* The venom just comes pouring out of her mouth so delightfully, so gracefully, so effortlessly. Hands down, Ezra’s mom must be the cruellest, bitchiest and wickedest character in the history of Pretty Little Liars. She is like the smiling assassin. I love her so much.

To be honest, it was amazing how Aria held it together for so long. If somebody said that shit to my face, I’d break down and cry on the spot. Ezra’s mom was so goddamn vicious that she actually made me pity Aria a little. But then I shook off that sympathetic feeling because I was too busy laughing my ass off at her misery. *roflmao*

Dianne: Aria, you act as if I’ve hurt your feelings. It was unintentional.

OMGGGGGG. I WILL WORSHIP THIS WOMAN FOREVER. I am *this* close into making Queen Fitzgerald the ringtone for my cell phone. I just don’t know which insult to use because there’s so many and they’re all so deliciously spiteful!

Dianne: I just want to make sure I’m being clear. I may not agree with the way Ezra lives his life, but I’m not going to stand by and let you ruin him.


Aria: I. Love. Him.
Dianne: OH YES~ It’s all romance and sacrifice in your little Paris garret. Except you determine what gets sacrificed, not him. You’re the only one that made it impossible for him to stay at your little high school. You’re the one who got him tossed out of Hollis. I want to make sure you understand your own motives.
Aria: I don’t have any motives!
Dianne: Everyone has motives.
Aria: Maybe in your world.

Notice how Aria couldn’t manage to say more than five words in any of her arguments? Poor bb is so outmatched in this battle of wits.

Dianne: It’s not too late for us to have a practical discussion. There can be real world compensations in you ending this.
Aria: Compensations…?
Dianne: I’ve got your attention at last! *smiling and nodding* I thought I might.

I think this might be my favourite part of the exchange. Our Queen Fitzgerald knows how to mix bitchiness with condescension like the perfect cocktail. SHE IS SUCH A BOSS~

In all seriousness, I actually felt sorry for Aria by the end of the episode. She acts like a selfish twat most of the time, but it’s kinda unfair to blame the gullible teenager when the adult should be the one to accept responsibility over his actions. I get where Ezra’s mom is coming from, but this relationship is not just Aria’s fault. It takes two to do the dirty dance!

Aria: Did I ruin Ezra’s life? I know that you think he’s wrecking mine, but am I just really screwing things up for him? Am I responsible? Am I just destroying everything that I touch?
Byron: No, you couldn’t. You would never hurt anyone. And no one can ever be harmed by having you in their life.

Aww, that was actually pretty sweet. ;_;

You go Byron, score those long lost brownie points with your daughter! I bet Papa Montgomery must be relieved and taking solace in the fact that he’s no longer the worst parent on the show. Only second worst, baby!

Okay, I can’t possibly end this super bitchy recap with a heart-warming scene between Aria and her daddy, so here’s one last gem from our dignified queen.

Ezra: I can’t find Aria. Where is she?
Dianne: Oh, is she gone? Maybe it’s past her bedtime?

*worshipping you forever*

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20 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous August 30th, 2012 / Thursday

    recaps……I need more recaps……….

  2. Default avatar Anonymous August 31st, 2012 / Friday

    holy shnap chic..the finale is already over and you havent moved on since this episode!!! if not make a recap of the finale!!! TOBY WHY!!!

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 2nd, 2012 / Sunday

      Right?!?! I don't understand Toby!

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      i bet he was the one who saved spencer in the bell tower….

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      That whole bell tower scene would make sense though.

    • Default avatar Anonymous September 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      Toby sure was a shock……didn't see that one coming at all, towards the end of it, Nate was pretty obvious.

  3. Default avatar Anonymous September 2nd, 2012 / Sunday

    looking forward to the next one :)

  4. Default avatar Anonymous September 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

    Nothing makes sense anymore if you don't post these, SO looking forward to your next recap!

  5. Default avatar Recap Everything September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    LOL I think Toby has been so traumatized that he suspects everyone is in an incestuous relationship, especially if the sibling looks anything like Jason.

    Maya's videos were so incoherent. I don't know why, but hearing her whisper “i think emily has a very old soul' makes me laugh for some reason. She's so silly. lol

    Aria is basically lamb to the slaughter and she's TERRIBLE at confrontations. Like even Jackie owned her ass so hard last season, so it doesn't take much to break her down. I do want to see how the pretty little liars react to Queen Fitzgerald, although I think your assessment of their behaviour is pretty dead-on. *lol*

    Jenna x Queen Fitzgerald would be a deadly combination and needs to happen immediately omg. In fact, I think we all need Ezra's mom to mentor us on how to be a stone cold HBIC.

  6. Default avatar Recap Everything September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    Heh, I responded to your other comment as well. Your extravagant gifts are too tempting to resist. I hope that I can write a few season long recaps of The Vampire Diaries, but to be honest it won't be any time in the near future. As you can see, I'm already so slow with my regular recaps. :( But your request has been noted, and I understand TVD is such a popular request, so it will be in my queue for sure.

    P.S. I want a cardboard cutout of shirtless Derek delivered to my doorstep in the next two weeks, kthx.

  7. Default avatar Recap Everything September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    ^ Ditto. I kinda think I've gotten at least 15 requests to recap that show, so I can't ignore it forever~~~

  8. Default avatar Recap Everything September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome! I'm glad you got a little enjoyment in your day out of these recaps. :D

  9. Default avatar Pretty Little good_girl December 9th, 2012 / Sunday

    Oh my god I just Love Ezra’s Mom.
    Kneel before the Queen Aria you pesent :P

  10. Default avatar pretty little liars!! August 7th, 2013 / Wednesday

    what the hell? i love aria and ezra as a couple, its so nice how they hold together and how age doesnt matter when it comes to love, heres some advice, since this is a public thing reduce saying things in your opnion but stuff more in general, like you said you would worship her like 5 times, i was just like, wth i already know, you luvvvvvvvv you!!! i am just trying to be helpful, reduce the comments and recap!!

  11. Default avatar ezria forever June 19th, 2014 / Thursday

    it was kinda hard to read this because of your blatant hatred of ezria because they are my life and theyre fuckin perf butttt

    i do agree that Ezra’s mom is queen

    just not of kingdom ezria
    which i live in
    and love

  12. Default avatar ezria forever June 19th, 2014 / Thursday

    ezria is life

  13. Default avatar ezria forever June 19th, 2014 / Thursday

    they belong with each other

  14. Default avatar ezria forever June 19th, 2014 / Thursday

    ok im done the last comments from like a year ago what am i doing with my life

  15. Default avatar Anonymous August 19th, 2014 / Tuesday

    What if Spencer and Caleb did kiss. And the A exposed this to Hanna and Toby.
    That would be pretty awesome to see the betrayal but


  16. Default avatar Anonymous August 19th, 2014 / Tuesday

    (No Offense to a Ezria fans)
    I happy that I’m not the only one who hates the fact that Aria is dating her teacher(which is illegal).
    I thought I was the only one Recap Everything.

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