Season 3 Episode 6, Pretty Little Liars Recap, The Remains of A

Hanna tries to bring A to church; Spencer and Jason investigate the origins of April Rose; Aria finds loads of money in Ezra’s sock drawer.

*inserts mandatory Spoby make-out scene*

OKAY ENOUGH! This shit needs to stop. We get it; Spencer & Toby are a sexually active couple who can’t keep their hands off each other. It doesn’t mean we need to watch him ram his tongue down her throat in every appearance that he makes. I usually have a high tolerance for Spoby make-out scenes because I like both of the characters, but does the world really need another thirty seconds of footage with them kissing inside a living room and/or bedroom? At least give us a little change of scenery, y’know?

*inserts mandatory Ezria make-out scene*

Ugh, don’t even get me started on these two. The only good thing about Aria and Ezra kissing is that we don’t have to hear them talk or flirt nauseatingly with each other.

(SPOILER ALERT: Hardcore Ezria fans may want to skip my brutal rant in the next couple of captions.)

We’re subjected to the unpleasant experience of an EZRIA MOMENT as the couple takes cutesy pictures of each other. Cue the rapid photo montage with a deceitfully upbeat pop song playing in the background! The worst part about this scene is definitely the musical chorus, which goes “YOU MAKE ME SOOOO HAPPY~ ^_^” played in a continuous hellish loop for at least a good thirty seconds. It’s almost as if they’re desperately trying to convince the viewers that Ezra and Aria are so so so so happy with each other because even the music is singing about it! *blergh*

In fact, did anyone else feel like they were being brainwashed while watching this scene? All the obvious signs were there: the rapid montage, the cult music and the subliminal photonegatives in between. It seriously felt like I was watching some hardcore Ezria propaganda used to infiltrate and corrupt innocent minds. ~*you make me so happy*~ MUST… RESIST… EZRIA… BRAINWASHING…

In this particular picture, I have no idea why Ezra is biting into the newspaper like he’s a dog fetching the morning paper for its master. Ezria seems they’d be into freaky kinky bestiality roleplaying shit though.

Notice that we haven’t gotten a proper shirtless Ezra scene since that whole debacle in the second season premiere? Quite frankly, I don’t think we’ll see a full unobstructed shot of his body ever again. Just look at how Ezra is modestly covering up his spray-on abs with that bathrobe. *lol*

Aria suddenly discovers a SHITLOAD OF CASH hidden inside her boyfriend’s sock drawer. Oh, this isn’t just some loose change lying around the house or a few extra dollars that you keep in a cookie jar as a contingency fund. Holy moolah, we are talking about bank robbery and marijuana dealer amounts of money here!!!

It seems unlikely for any law-abiding citizen to possess such a large stash of dough in their sock drawer (or their macaroni & cheese box, isn’t that right Mama Marin?) Aria freaks out and jumps to the worst case scenario, suspecting that her squeaky clean boyfriend might actually be making some dirty money on the side. After all, how could an out-of-work loser like Ezra (since that so-called editing job he got in the last episode obviously didn’t survive through continuity) obtain so much hard cold cash?

After what happened last episode, the pretty little liars have reason to believe Lucas = EVIL MOFO, except for Hanna who maintains some kind of bizarre loyalty towards him. I think she’s feeling quite defensive since both of her friends Mona & Lucas are turning out to be cray, cray, cray.

Spencer: So when Lucas shows up…
Hanna: It’s not gonna be Lucas!!!
Spencer: Yes it will, Han! He had the pills!
Hanna: FINE. Then I’ll show up with the paddle and finish what I started at the lake!
Spencer: …whoa. :O

Hanna and Spencer come up with a harebrained plot that involves switching Garrett’s original note (“April Rose, whaddup homegurl?”) with a fake custom-made one (“Tonight the organ of Rosewood church, you know what to do with it” …says the horny choir girl to the handsome preacher boy as she hands over a condom). Their plan is to entrap A or whomever is helping Garrett on the outside.

IDGI. Did they really think a mastermind villain would be gullible enough to believe this fake note switcheroo? Even A was like *eyeroll* and didn’t bother to interfere with the liars’ plans this episode because they were being so mindlessly stupid.

Hanna creeps into Mama Reynolds’ death bed to plant the fake message, which is about as tasteful as putting a post-it note on a dead person’s casket. There’s a woman dying in front of you, Hanna. At least show some respect and bring her flowers!

I mentioned flowers because I want to talk about those atrocious floral pants that Hanna has been wearing throughout the episode. I don’t know what girl would think it’s flattering to have a sunflower bud sprawled on her ass, but oh my god those pants are offensively uggggly. It’s so weird that everyone gave her shit for wearing a perfectly normal yoga outfit last episode, yet nobody batted an eye when she struts around in this calamitous monstrosity!?

You just KNOW that the heart monitor was gonna act up as soon as Hanna stepped foot into the hospital room, right? Personally, I thought either Garrett’s mom was going to wake up or she would croak on the spot. Hanna ends up taking three steps before Mama Reynolds started spazzing out and knocking on death’s door.

It would have been so hilariously twisted if Hanna’s meddling ways somehow got Garrett’s mother killed. Alas, the show copped out and informed us that she’s stabilized in the end.

It’s amazing that the pretty little liars are able to discuss a murder investigation and cheese fries in the same breath, but they do. Spencer tries to talk Hanna out of the dumbass plan to confront A at the church, since her whole strategy is to hide behind an organ and pray that nobody notices her hiding spot. -_-”

Spencer: Just be careful. And wear sensible shoes!
Hanna: Hey, I wear three inches or I wear nothing.

Who cares about the shoes!? Can somebody tell her to change her god awful flower power pants? I’m afraid to take screenshots of her lower half!

Spencer: *sideeye* You’re acting even more useless than usual, Aria. What’s wrong?
Aria: Oh I was just for an opportunity to talk about my bullshit drama this episode. Hey, what does it mean if somebody has a lot of cash lying around the house?
Spencer: If you had that much cash lying around, you probably also have a bomb shelter and five years of dehydrated meat. *pauses* Or you’re a criminal.
Aria: O_O

Aria returns home from work to find her deadbeat boyfriend lying on the couch with a bottle of beer, which is pretty indicative of what their relationship will look like ten years from now. Ezra also puts a remote control over his crotch for some odd reason, so who knows what that sick bastard has been doing while he’s home alone?

When Aria confronts him about the sock drawer money, Ezra tells an outrageous lie that rivals Jenna’s “I faked being blind to protect my life” & Melissa’s “I put on a costume because somebody blackmailed me” in the believability department. He stammers on about selling his grandfather’s vintage car to make a little cash. And when that wasn’t convincing enough, he starts blathering about his lack of income and his wounded male pride until Aria is like “aww my bf is too pathetic, so all is forgiven bb :(“.

The writers can’t really justify spending a good portion of the show on a storyline that essentially went nowhere, so they include this quick shot of Ezra staring at his sock drawer like it’s supposed to mean something.

Yeah, it doesn’t matter how much you play around with the lighting and shadows, this storyline isn’t going to get any more interesting. Give it up, Pretty Little Liars.

OMGGGGG JASON’S HAIR LMAO~~~

It must have been a particularly windy day of filming, resulting in a bizarre scene where Jason’s hair kept flapping upwards due to the strong breeze. It was so distracting and he looked absolutely ridiculous. I can’t believe they left the footage in, but I am forever grateful that I have this mesmerizing imagery in my head.

You would think Pretty Little Liars might pry that bottle of hair gel from Toby’s cold dead hands and give some to Jason before filming on such a windy day. But nope, Jason’s hair is getting its freak on and nobody is gonna stop him!

It’s even better in motion. Just look at that flawless hair flowing so gracefully in the wind. SO FREE, SO BEAUTIFUL, SO PERFECT~~~

As much as I’d like to continue describing the tornado attack on Jason’s hair, we must talk about the N.A.T. Club because there’s actually some progress made since they introduced this plotline ages ago.

PLOT DUMP:
1.) The NAT Club consists of three guys who filmed girls in compromising situations for shits and giggles.
2.) Garrett, Ian and Jason were the official members, but they also recruited other girls who set up their “friends” for the cameras.
3.) Jason was the KING PIMP who came up with the idea of filming these girls, although he also claims that Ian and Garrett were more involved in the club activities than he was. Oh surrre…

I’m getting the vibe that they were a bunch of aspiring “Girls Gone Wild” filmmaker wannabes, no? In any case, Spencer is not impressed that her brother used to be such a perverted voyeuristic douchebag.

Jason: Garrett, Ian and I…
Spencer: The N.A.T. Club.
Jason: How did you know about that!?
Spencer: Do you think April Rose could have been one of the girls that you filmed?
Jason: I didn’t film any of those videos!
Spencer: Yeah, but you watched them! Didn’t you?
Jason: *guilty silence*

Speaking of perverted voyeuristic douchebags, Papa Hastings made a recent habit out of stalking his children around town. Well, at least he isn’t hiring a private detective to spy on his kids anymore, so that’s already an improvement!

Papa Hastings is concerned about the amount of time that Jason and Spencer has been spending with each other, because god forbid someone in that family actually *bond* instead of shouting, suspecting, and accusing each other of murder. Peter is also worried that his daughter develops an unhealthy obsession with the crime investigation, and warns Jason not to feed into his sister’s paranoia.

Peter: Look, I don’t want my daughter’s life derailed any further. She needs to find a way to put this behind her. The trial, your sister…
Jason: Yeah, which sister exactly are you talking about? Because as it turns out, I have more than one!

And Papa Hastings is like “GRRR YOU PLOT SPOILING BASTARD, DON’T GIVE AWAY THE TWIN TWIST BEFORE THE SEASON FINALE!!!”

Uh-oh, Emily brought out her SERIOUS MEMORY LOSS FACE so you know it’s time for another plot-driven flashback!

This time, her memory is triggered when she wanders into a random diner around town. Apparently, Emily enjoyed herself a little midnight snack at this diner, either before or after she jumped out of Jenna’s car and stumbled onto Alison’s open grave…

Is it just me, or did Emily have a ridiculously action-packed schedule for somebody who was supposed to be unconscious that night!? JFC, it seems like this bitch went everywhere and met everyone and did everything during her drunken stupor! The next flashback is gonna reveal that she also watched a two-hour movie, finished a jigsaw puzzle, and painted a picket fence on the very same night!

In her hazy recollection, Emily remembers…a maze? If you look carefully, you’ll see that the maze is incomplete, which is quite typical of a show that would introduce a complex mystery, only to give up on it halfway without providing any answers. Pretty Little Liars is so bad at giving resolutions and tying up loose ends that even the goddamn maze in Emily’s flashback has to be an unsolved mystery!

Other important clues include a vague apologetic message written on a sheet of paper…

…an ugly ink stamp on somebody’s wrist…

…the backside of a curly haired male character…

(LOL Holden, why so obvious???)

…and this blurry reflection that some of you will ANALYZE TO DEATH even though you know it’s just some random extra on the set, who’s used as a generic placeholder until the writers finalize the scripts for the next couple of episodes. Don’t let that fact stop you from speculating though!

Hanna’s plan goes awry when the church decides to hold a ~*PARTEH*~ on the same night that she’s supposed to meet with A. To make matters worse, she also comes up with a ridiculous reason to bring Toby (!?) as her date which makes zero sense but let’s roll with it. At least they’re trying their best to remove Toby’s head from Spencer’s ass and include him in other storylines on the show.

Hanna: Spencer, can I borrow your boyfriend for a date? :)
Spencer: Okie-dokie! What time should Toby pick you up?

Spencer is such a motherfucking BOSS. I love that she made this decision without considering Toby’s feelings or even consulting him about it beforehand. She almost reminds me of somebody who’s loaning her car to a friend. It’s like “Here is my boyfriend, don’t get any scratches on him.”

At the church party, we are introduced to this amazing GENDER FLIP version of the pretty little liars. From left to right: there’re the male equivalents of Aria (the Artsy One), Hanna (the Popular One), Spencer (the Smart One), and Emily (the Sporty One).

OMG I literally cannot *unsee* the resemblance between these four guys and our four main heroines. Give them a spin-off show immediately!!!

Ashley and Ted meet up at another church function when he asked her out as his date, which means a marriage proposal is not far down the line. Unfortunately, Mama Marin tries to hit on him by going like “Hi, I’m a drunken harlot who spends my Sunday mornings with a massive hangover and a naked guy by my side, if you know what I mean~ ;)” and then Ted reveals “Hi, I’m a pastor…” like the punchline to some cruel joke. And that’s when poor Ashley knew their relationship was over before it even began.

LOL @ Ashley covering up her cleavage after learning about Pastor Ted. Now Mama Marin feels all weird hitting on him because she has already accumulated enough sin to go straight to hell for ten lifetimes.

To be fair, it’s not like Pastor Ted was attracted to Ashley because she seemed to be a nice woman with a good set of morals. Pfft, he obviously wants to screw her brains out, and suspects that she’s a vixen with a bit of a naughty side. So, I think it might work in Mama Marin’s favour if she actually revealed more cleavage!

It didn’t help matters when Detective Wilden interjected himself into their relationship with some subtle digs at Mama Marin.

Ted: I’m happy to see you here, if a little surprised…
Wilden: That’s funny, because I was just about to say the same thing to Ms. Marin.
Ted: Oh, you two know each other?
Ashley: *secretly seething* Detective Wilden was an important part of the Alison DiLaurentis case. Hanna was a good friend of hers, so our paths have crossed.
Wilden: And they’ll probably cross again. IYKWIM. Teeheehee. ;D

Yeah, poor Ashley will probably have to settle for some scumbag like Wilden and hatefuck him later in the season. I just can’t see how a relationship will work out between her and Pastor Ted when they come from such different walks of life. They might continue dating for a few more episodes while A fucks around with Hanna for the lulz, but the two of them are basically *doomed* to fail. :(

Talk about not dressing for the occasion! I love that Emily shows up at the church party wearing a low-cut deep plunge boobie dress, especially when everyone else is dressed in their Sunday’s best. I had to draw a cross sign around her neck to minimize her blasphemy in this sacred place of worship.

It was so unexpected to see him suddenly pop up in the middle of the episode. I just assumed he was gonna be one of those minor characters who’ll never appear on the show again. O_o

Unfortunately, Holden can’t appear on this show without keeping some kind of idiotic secret like last season. When Emily inquires about that strange familiar ink on his wrist, he explains it’s an admission stamp to some mysterious venue. Holden tells Emily that he used to see her girlfriend at that party, but he goes like “LOL I’M JUST TROLLING YOU. TO BE CONTINUED UNTIL MY NEXT RANDOM CAMEO, BITCHES!”

The final outcome of Hanna’s plan involves her kneeling behind a pew and then getting caught by the police five seconds later. GOOD PLAN HANNA!

Yeah, Hanna might have aimed a little too high when she wanted to expose A with this so-called plan of hers. In fact, this might go down as one of the worst schemes in PLL history. It turns out a nurse handed over the fake note to the police, so that’s why Detective Wilden showed up at the church to see who the troublemaker is.

Did anything go right for Hanna in this episode? From nearly killing Garrett’s mother at the start to getting busted by the police in the end, she has been committing one epic failure after another. You need better judgment, bb!

Even though April Rose totally sounds like it might be an escort’s alias, Jason and Spencer discover that it is a consignment shop that specializes in selling second-hand antiques.

I was expecting they’d drag this April Rose mystery for at least 2-3 episodes, but it’s amazing how much progress Spencer makes when she’s paired with someone competent & resourceful instead of being bogged down by her dead weight friends.

At the antiques shop, Spencer recognizes Alison’s anklet that she was wearing on the night of her disappearance!!!

FLASHBACK TIME: Alison shows off her ankle bling! But *ew* @ those tacky ass crocodile skin stripper heels. It makes Alison’s feet look like they belong to a forty year old cougar.

At first, the consignment shop owner refuses to sell the anklet because it doesn’t technically belong to him. However, Jason DiLaurentis believes that he can solve any problem in the world by throwing money at it …and he’s pretty much right. As it turns out, the shop owner’s code of ethics is valued at precisely four hundred dollars.

Spencer is soooo proud of herself when she submitted the anklet as police evidence, thinking it’ll be the piece of incriminating evidence that nails Garrett’s ass once and for all. In a cruel twist of fate, the police detect traces of blood on the vital evidence, but it didn’t belong to Garrett.

Had Spencer found this evidence in, say, the penultimate episode, there might be a chance that it would have *relevance* to the investigation. But as it stands now, it’s only the sixth episode of the season where the show needs to fill the plot with false leads and red herrings. As such, Garrett is now dismissed from all charges of murdering Alison DiLaurentis! :O

Don’t start celebrating yet, because the poor bastard is still accused of killing Maya, so he remains stuck in jail for the time being until the pretty little liars accidentally find another piece of evidence that will clear his name.

In a case of smart people overlooking common sense, Spencer is SHOCKED because I don’t think it ever occurred to her that when Garrett wrote “April Rose has the proof…”, he was talking about the proof that will clear his name from the crime. Um, shouldn’t it have been obvious though? Of course Garrett wouldn’t leave a message like “Hey y’all, here is where you can find the evidence that will put me in jail for twenty to life! You’re welcome! :D”

Spencer also receives a timely text message from A, which says: “Hey Spencer, I have one more surprise for you. Garrett isn’t their killer. – A”

O RLY A? NO WAYYYY. WHAT A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT I NEVER SAW COMING. *mind blown*

We end the episode with Spencer being like AWARFWARFWARF (that’s literally the noise she makes) as she’s goes through a major emotional breakdown. I think she’s crying for us poor viewers because we just sat through another filler episode of Pretty Little Liars, and there’re probably many more to come! ;_;

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30 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

    Love it !! Especially the part with the male equivilant of PLL so hilarious !!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 24th, 2012 / Tuesday

      They were the stars of the episode. Now we just need accompanying male names to complete the gender flip. :)

    • Default avatar Anonymous July 24th, 2012 / Tuesday

      Artie, Harry, Samuel, and Evan !

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      OMG perfect. This is becoming a reality y'all~~~

  2. Default avatar Olga July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

    I only watch PLL now just so I can read your review later and laugh :) Absolutely brilliant. Now if I could somehow get you to post some more recaps of the glorious, constantly bare-chested, vaguely homoerotic magnificence that is Teen Wolf, my life would be complete… ;D

    • Default avatar Sabs July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

      I second this! But I'll be paitient because Teen Wolf has been really good and your recaps are worth the wait!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 24th, 2012 / Tuesday

      I still need to catch up to the last few episodes of Teen Wolf, but it's nice to know the demand for those recaps is still strong even after I neglected the show for two months. I will try, try, try to catch up with recapping as soon as I can. >_<

  3. Default avatar Charlotte July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

    Spencer's Dad. Is a DILF. FOREALZ.
    Great recap as usual.

    Hanna's wardrobe assistant was replaced by Aria's this week, me thinks.

    • Default avatar Unknown July 26th, 2012 / Thursday

      i think hanna's wardrobe assistant has been replaced by aria's in general – a lot lately! (although in real life, all four have the same costume designer, and she dresses like aria o-0

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      There have been way too many epic failures in Hanna's wardrobe lately that I'm starting to think the same thing! They might be giving some of the brighter and more colourful clothes that Aria wouldn't normally wear to Hanna. Those floral pants were OUT THERE, you know?

  4. Default avatar Sabs July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

    “since that so-called editing job he got in the last episode obviously didn't survive through continuity”

    I'm so glad you noticed this lack of continuity as well! When I was watching the episode I was like WTF didn't he just get a job last episode? And I agree those nerds need to have their own PLL spinoff! That would be great ^^

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      The editing job seems kind of boring though, so I'm glad Ezra remained an insecure unemployed bum for the time being. <3

  5. Default avatar Anonymous July 25th, 2012 / Wednesday

    “I had to draw a cross sign around her neck to minimize her blasphemy in this sacred place of worship.” — I laughed so hard that I ended up spitting water all over my roommate, who happened to be sleeping.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      The perils of being your poor roommate~ ;_; *lol*

  6. Default avatar Anonymous July 25th, 2012 / Wednesday

    “arfwarfwarfwarfwarf” omg I died when u described that as Spencer's laugh. When I was watching this episode (on abcfamily.com while at work, secretly not working) I was answering the phone and could still hear the episode playing in the background. Alls I could hear was Spencer's tragic noise making. I had to put the caller on hold so I could return to the video so my eyes could see what the hell my ears were witnessing. Sure enough, spencer had a mean case of the ugly cries. Her facial expression when she was crying matched the sound perfectly. Then I'm like “bitch, please! U didn't cry like that when Allison's body was found, at her funeral, when Ian tried to kill u, when Hanna got runned ova, or anything other times u shoulda cried hard.” The award for most dramatic performance for a bullshit reason goes to…..

    • Default avatar Unknown July 26th, 2012 / Thursday

      omg that is so observant! so True! She never cried like that when she was supposed to!!! – nic

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      I love your colourful description about the scene, but omg yeah she was being so dramatic. When I first heard that noise, I literally did a *doubletake* because I couldn't believe the noise that I was hearing. And don't forget when she tried to suffocate herself in the pillow either. I was like whoa take it down a few notches, bitch~

  7. Default avatar Anonymous July 27th, 2012 / Friday

    why hate?

  8. Default avatar Anonymous July 29th, 2012 / Sunday

    You NEED to do more True Blood. NOW.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      I think you might be the first reader to ask for more Season 5 True Blood recaps! It's good to know there's some demand…even if I haven't watched one single episode of the new season yet. But in due time, my friend~ D:

  9. Default avatar Anonymous August 2nd, 2012 / Thursday

    Going through recap withdrawal!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      I AM BACK with the Episode 7 recap and will try to finish the Episode 8 recap by tomorrow, but no promises~

  10. Default avatar Anonymous August 3rd, 2012 / Friday

    i adore d jason hair cmmnt….

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      Hehe. Jason's magical flapping hair might be my favourite part about this episode.

  11. Default avatar Hanna August 5th, 2012 / Sunday

    Good observation on the male PLL! :) Waiting for the next episode recap so that I can comment on Aria's earrings :D

    • Default avatar Recap Everything August 6th, 2012 / Monday

      I think we need a special section in every recap just to dish on Aria's latest fashion mishaps. :D

  12. Default avatar valery rice August 11th, 2012 / Saturday

    hahahhahahaha ok that was like the best one i couldn't stop laughing!!!!! Specially about Jason's hair and about Tobys hair jel! haha and love how Ezra made 0_0 that face when aria told him about the money she found!!!!

  13. Default avatar Recap Everything September 7th, 2012 / Friday

    We need to make 0_0 the official icon for the *EZRA FACE 0_0* because he does that expression just as often as Aria!

  14. Default avatar Anonymous August 13th, 2013 / Tuesday

    I’ve just found this site and have been reading through the episodes – I haven’t laughed so much in a long time! Thank you!

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