Season 3 Episode 5, Pretty Little Liars Recap, That Girl Is Poison

Jenna has a crazy hat party; Psycho Paige goes on a drunken rampage; Garrett visits his dying mama.


Early this episode, Jenna comes strutting into school and goes like “hai i see bitches everywhere~” by pretending that her eyesight miraculously healed overnight. Umm, what happened to Jenna crying that her life was in srs danja because of her ability to see? Did the bitch decide that she’d rather risk another assassination attempt than trust the pretty little liars to keep her secret? Or maybe the show realized what a ridiculously stupid lie it was, so they’re dropping the storyline now that all the potential drama had been milked out of it?

Jenna recovers just in time to throw a big birthday bash for herself. Strangely enough, she even invites the pretty little liars to attend her party. Since her guest list also includes random ppl like Psycho Paige and Pedo Fitz, I assume she’s just gonna invite everybody in Rosewood and hopes that at least someone will show up.

In fact, Jenna feels so desperate that she even invited a random stranger she just met at the coffeehouse! She goes like: “Hey, you look handsome enough to be at my party! I’m adding you to my guest list~”

Since there’s an unstated PLL rule where you can’t be a recurring male character unless you display a romantic interest towards a younger girl, Nate’s response is: “Oh sure, I love going to birthday parties hosted by high school teenagers! What a totally age-appropriate venue for me!”

Sometimes, I’m so used to thinking of Jenna as an evil blind witch that I forget she’s also supposed to be a big filthy slut. (Such a ~*multifaceted*~ character!) The best part about her not pretending to be blind anymore is Jenna gets to whore it up and seduces the first slice of ass that comes her way. YOU GO GET SOME GURL~ :D

Also getting plenty of some: Emily x Paige. In fact, Paige looks like she might have gotten moist simply by standing inside another girl’s bedroom. I believe enough time has passed since their last interaction where Paige LITERALLY assaulted Emily with an unsolicited kiss, so it’s good that the two of them are on speaking terms again.

Our teen lesbians engage in some kinky strap-on foreplay (…with a tie) which actually feels more *awkward* than it is *erotic*. The most hilarious part about their relationship is that Emily just sees them as ‘platonic friends’, but Paige is thinking along the lines of ‘friends who touch each other and occasionally do some heavy petting’.

Nate: Can I ask you a question? Is Paige just a friend or something more?
Emily: We dated for a while.
Nate: Is that before Maya or after?
Emily: *awkward pause* It’s kind of in between.

LOL @ Nate totally judging her with that OH GURRRRL~ expression. But even Emily seemed a bit embarrassed to admit how often she changes a new girlfriend!

Originally Emily & Paige were gonna see a Katy Perry movie together, but their date got cancelled since Emily’s boss is a prick and forces her to work at Jenna’s birthday party instead.

BTW that Katy Perry movie totally tanked in the box offices as you expect it would. Shameless sponsorship plug is shamelessly ineffective.

CONFESSION: I am deeply fascinated by Emily’s boss, aka. this cute gay hipster barista. Who is he? Does he have a name? What is his story? So far, he made a huge impression on me with his douchey attitude, his pretentious scarf, his animated jazz hands, and his very sensitive nipples. This guy is quickly becoming my guilty pleasure on the show and I hope he makes cameo appearances more often. :)

When two individuals are in a relationship, there’s nothing wrong if one partner earns more money than the other. UNLESS you are an adult man whose primary source of income is your teenage girlfriend’s allowance money! Since Ezra is now an out-of-work loser on the verge of collecting welfare stipends, Aria has been buying food for him like she’s feeding a dog or something. *second-hand embarrassment*

Oh man, how humiliating must it be for the jailbait girlfriend to be the breadwinner of the relationship!? Needless to say, Ezra throws a hissy fit as he tries to retain the last remaining shred of his human dignity. Although Ezra claims he can get by with the salary from his nonexistent tutoring gigs, we all know Aria only needs to sell one of her designer dresses and she can practically feed her boyfriend for a week.

Spencer: Well he’s your boyfriend, Aria. He’s not a baby squirrel.
Aria: I’m just trying to do the right thing!
Spencer: It’s totally wrong. Look, I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Every time you baby squirrel Ezra, you’re taking away his nuts.

Don’t worry about it, Aria. You can’t be any worse at emasculating a man than Spencer, who bought an $8000 sex truck for her bofo like some kind of ~*sugar mama*~. At this point, I think Toby’s nuts have shrunk so much that he’s practically neutered!

Speaking of baby squirrels, there might be one living inside Toby’s hair from the looks of it. How do you even describe that STANK HAIRSTYLE? It looks like a mix between a coral reef and an untamed bird’s nest.

*inserts mandatory Spoby make-out scene here*

It amuses me that they only start making out after having a lonnng bitching sesh about what a terrible person Jenna is. Their irrational hatred towards her feels SO RIGHTEOUS and I sorta love them both for it.

Spencer: It’s so weird that the most honest person I know has to share parents with the most deceitful person in this town. :(
Toby: YEAH JENNA CAN GO DIE IN A SEWER. *promptly slips tongue down your throat*

It turns out that Ezra has been saving money to buy Aria a vintage camera, which might be the belated one-year anniversary gift that he conveniently forgot until now. Unfortunately, Aria’s reaction to her present was…uh, less than enthusiastic. I think she’d rather receive jewellery & accessories (check out those FOSSIL STONES on her fingers) instead of a novelty camera that she’ll never use.

On a related note, I still can’t get over the fact that Aria is suddenly some kind of photography nut, even though this is seriously the first time that she touched a camera on the show. It’s like the writers thought “Oh, we need somebody to be interested in photography to tie in with the Season 3 plot! Let’s give this hobby to Aria since she’s supposed to be the Artsy One!”

Notice that Aria promptly placed down her vintage camera as soon as Ezra walked away, which is a rather telling sign. I bet she’s already thinking about which drawer to put away this dusty old box out of sight and out of mind forever.

There was an overload of relationship crap in this episode’s storylines, but luckily Hanna took an intermission between breaking up with Caleb and hooking up with Wren. After losing her boyfriend, Hanna decides to stay at home and listen to sad songs for the rest of her life, but Mama Marin tells her daughter to go mope and sulk inside a classroom instead.

Ashley: *incredulous* Are you going to school wearing that!?

LOLOL I think Mama Marin was ready to disown her daughter for leaving the house dressed like a hobo. Just so we’re clear, Hanna was wearing a perfectly presentable t-shirt & sweatpants ensemble, and she still looks more fabulous than most of us do without hours of preparation. However, she’s considered severely undressed according to PLL fashion standards, where the characters are obligated to prance around in circus dresses at all times.

Spencer: Are you coming from yoga?
Hanna: No, home.
Spencer: Why are you dressed like that?
Hanna: Because, Spencer, I’m too depressed to work a zipper alright!? Get over it!

All the characters act like Hanna committed a heinous fashion crime, even though she’s wearing a totally inoffensive outfit. IDGI but it’s hilarious to witness their outraged reactions.

Aria: Hanna, I’ve never seen you in sweats before! *ARIA EYES O_O* Wow, that’s kind of a deal breaker. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

Aria didn’t say it out loud, but you know that must have crossed her mind at some point. She looks afraid to even be seen in the same camera frame as Hanna and her degenerate clothing.

As a punishment for skipping school earlier in the episode, Hanna’s mom forces her daughter to volunteer at the local church.

Ted: Who’s your daughter?
Ashley: Hanna Marin, she’s sorting clothes.
Ted: Oh right, she’s a terrific worker.
Ashley: Yeah…*turns around and sees Hanna texting on her cell phone instead*
Ted: Uh, maybe I’m thinking of somebody else.
Ashley: Yeah, maybe I am too.

Talk about a new low: Hanna actually got caught stealing clothes from a church donation centre of all places. *LOL* I guess some old habits just never go away.

Ashley meets a foxy stud named Ted who works as a volunteer coordinator at the church. From the get-go, these two immediately flirt up a storm with each other. Ted is all like “hehe u can share my cookie~” and Ashley is giggling like “hehe don’t mind if i do~”. The rest of their convo is filled with flickering glances, dainty smiles and subtle messages.

Ted: I’m still new here, so I’m just trying to get acquainted.

Ashley: What does that make us if we share another cookie?
Translation: Drinks? Date? My place? One-night stand? Or long-term relationship? ONE COOKIE CAN CONVEY SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!

On the surface, Ted seems like a handsome, good-humoured and relatively normal man without a wedding ring on his finger. Wow, can somebody say JACKPOT? No wonder Ashley is eyeing him up and trying to determine how many dates they should go on before it’s not too slutty for her to put out.

We’re introduced to a new character named Laurel Tuchman, who has ‘one-off cannon fodder’ written all over her. Here’s a quick rundown about Laurel’s character:

1.) Jenna hired her as a professional photographer for her birthday party. Even though paying someone to take pretty pictures of you is strictly a #richbitch leisure, I support anything that will stop people from taking obnoxious pix of themselves with their cell phones. Ugh.

2.) Laurel was Aria’s photographer teacher over the summer. OH MAH DAYS. The show is actually going forward with this Aria = photography prodigy storyline? I thought it was just gonna be a throwaway remark from the first episode! :O

3.) Lucas worked as Laurel’s assistant until she caught him using the photography studio for his own personal use. Currently, she’s holding onto his camera equipment as collateral.

SPECULATION ALERT: The show wants us to think that Lucas was the one who developed those shady pictures of the liars at the graveyard, but it’s not like A would be so careless to leave behind a trail of evidence right? Besides, A probably owns a personal photography studio inside a secret underground lair somewhere. In other words, Lucas = red herring.

WHERE’S MY INVITE TO THE RIDICULOUS HAT PARTY??? This would have been the perfect party for Season 1 Spencer, but unfortunately her character stopped wearing those glorious hats some time ago. Worst decision ever in PLL, amirite? ;_;

Aria and Ezra come waltzing into Jenna’s birthday party as an out and proud couple, which must have been super awkward since most of the guests were his former high school students. I was expecting many hushed whispers and scandalous gossip to break out, so imagine my disappointment that nobody reacted or even cared about the two of them together.

WTF!? I suspect Marlene King waved her magic wand and instructed her minions to ignore the giant elephant in the room to create a ~*safe space*~ for Ezria.

Luckily, Jenna was there to throw massive shade on this unholy couple.

Jenna: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to stare. I’m just uh…still adjusting and trying to match faces in reality to the ones that I saw in my head.

It feels like staring straight into a trainwreck, doesn’t it Jenna? You just can’t look away.

BTW if you rewatch this scene again, you need to watch Jenna’s eyes closely because they reveal her true feelings about Ezria. I especially loved her ~*OH DEAR*~ face when Aria was grabbing onto Ezra’s arm. She might sound diplomatic with her words, but Jenna’s eyes tell a whole different story!

Another favourite moment of mine was this following exchange between Laurel and Aria.

Aria: Actually my boyfriend, he just gave me this vintage camera. It’s a Roliflex.
Laurel: God, nice boyfriend! When I was in high school, I couldn’t afford a pinhole and a lightbulb.
Aria: Oh, he’s not in high school.

And then Laurel made this pitch-perfect D: expression that just encompasses all my feelings about Ezria.

LMAO @ Ezra looking like a pathetic creeper after Aria basically ditched him at the birthday party. I think it dawned upon him that he must be one of the only adults among a room of teenagers.

Ezra is pissed off because he had a dinner reservation with Aria (lol doesn’t it feel like every Ezria date is some sort of dinner reservation?) but she dragged him to this birthday party instead. Aria proceeds to ignore her boyfriend throughout the entire night since she was too busy sucking up to her former photography teacher. Once a teacher’s pet, always a teacher’s pet!

After sabotaging Laurel’s photography equipment and potentially causing hundreds of dollars in damages, Aria is granted access into the studio as she gets her grubby little paws on a few rolls of film found in Lucas’ bag!

In the next scene, Lucas comes across as a major creeper as he tries to *intimidate* Aria into giving him entry inside the photography studio. However, this is Lucas we’re talking about here, so he just does a lot of pouting while whining in a low nasally voice. Aria basically goes like “stfu loser~” and just pushes him out of the way.

Nate shows up at the birthday party as one of Jenna’s many random guests. Before Emily even has a chance to go waddup, Paige is already like “HDU EMILY U TWO-TIMING HOOR!? D: D: D:” because she’s jelly that her girlfriend (but not really) is chatting up some other guy.

Let me summarize the rest of Paige’s activities during the party:

1.) She stands in a corner, sulking by herself and shooting dirty looks at her not-really-girlfriend whenever possible. She’s seething with PSYCHO PAIGE RAGGGGE every time the camera cuts to a shot of her.

2.) Paige goes on a MASSIVE DRUNKEN RAMPAGE and transforms into an unstoppable cupcake destroying beast. She begins *dipping* her fingers into each cupcake, does a little impromptu taste sample, and then *double-dips* once more before spitting out the food right into her hand!

3.) After making a total ass out of herself, Paige gets even tipsier, does a little ballerina twirl on the dance floor, and then she kinda falls over while incurring a ginormous gash on her forehead. After all, it ain’t a real partay until someone has to go to the emergency room!

Upon arriving at the hospital, Paige got stitches and probably took a psych test as well. It is revealed that she consumed some kind of *sleeping pill* which means somebody must have spiked her drink at the party… EXCEPT Paige got her alcohol supply from Emily’s cupboard, which means that Emily must have consumed the same kind of drug during her graverobbing journey in the first episode! OMG!!!

Sidebar: I kinda love how they blamed the drugs & the alcohol for Paige’s reckless behaviour, as if this crazy bitch doesn’t have a notorious track record of flipping the fuck out. If anything, the drugs probably hindered her from reaching the full 100% Psycho Paige that we all know and love.

Voila, the plot-driven amnesia drug! I’m not gonna bother listing all of the side effects since the show will obviously make this shit up as they see fit. The most important thing is that Aria discovered this kind of sleeping pills in Lucas’ belongings, which means the pretty little liars have actual *physical evidence* that Lucas = MAJOR CREEPER.

In this episode, Garrett was able to leave jail because his mama is on her death bed or something. His mother is about to die, but of course the pretty little liars would think there’s an ~*ulterior motive*~ and that it’s somehow a ploy or a trap, or Garrett will try to escape from prison, or he’ll pass a message to A, or whatever other crazy conspiracy theories that only those paranoid bitches could think of.

Spencer: Okay, so he has finally chosen some flowers, which are hideous and tacky and mostly carnations, but there’s not really much selection around here, so…

Hehehe~ I can’t explain why it’s so funny, but listening to Spencer diss the flowers that Garrett chose for his mum just makes me giggle. She’s like so catty, but I secretly love it. Starting from now, I want Spencer to provide bitchy sideline commentary on everything that happens in this show!

Spencer sneaks into Mama Reynolds’ room to investigate a note that Garrett left behind, since she believes that Garrett might use this opportunity to contact A, and vice versa.

In Spencer’s mind, she must have hoped that Garrett left behind a message along the lines of: “I CONFESS TO EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW. I HOPE THE JUDGE READS THIS NOTE AND CONVICT ME NOW. – YOURS TRULY, GARRETT.”

…instead, Garrett’s note was filled with nothing but love. His final message for his mother was simply that. He wrote: “Mom, you never gave up on me; I won’t give up on you. Love, Garrett.”

After reading Garrett’s note, there was a flash of apprehension that flickered across Spencer’s face, as if she realized that her actions may possibly be unethical. Here’s the way I see it – most of us assume that Garrett isn’t guilty of any crimes other than being a red herring in the wrong place at the wrong time. So, after his charges have been cleared, I think we’re going to look back at this scene and see a silly teenage girl who invaded a dying woman’s privacy just to fulfill her curiosity. And sorry, but it’s kind of a shitty thing to do.

BUT OMG TWIST!!! Spencer actually found a hidden note stashed away on Mama Reynolds’ body! The cryptic message reads: “April Rose has the proof.”

…oh crap, you know what that means, right? April Rose = Black Swan Mystery, Part 2. Just when you thought we were done with all the guess-who games. Ohhhh fuck me, here we go again. -_-”

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7 Responses

  1. Default avatar Leo July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

    Psycho Paige is as fun as Drunk Paige! More Paige please! I just love Lindsey Shaw. Love love love. And I think Lucas' character is far from redemption. He's 99% in Team A. Sad, but I have this feeling he will probably died by the end of this season lol.
    And I love Ashley's new boy. Love love love. Too bad he's out of the league (check the next episode lol)

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      I'm a HUGE fan of Psycho Paige (and Drunk Paige) so Recap Everything will always celebrate her crazy ass in these recaps. How can you not love a character who tried to drown her love interest?

      OMG Lucas is such a creeper. They're *demolishing* his character this season and I'm not sure if I'm digging the future serial killer vibe that I'm getting from him.

      Ashley & Ted are absolutely amazing with so much trainwreck potential, and their scenes have been the highlight of the past two episodes. They're actually my fave OTP atm. <3

  2. Default avatar Anonymous July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

    I just can't handle seeing Jenna with eyeballs …Like she's pretty of course cuz no normal looking people are allowed on this show but I'm just used to seeing her big black glasses. And as soon as she saw Ezria I bet Jenna wished she were blind again

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      “What changed since you gained your eyesight back, Jenna?”
      “Ugh, Ezria. They became even more intolerable if that's even possible.”

      I don't think I'm used to seeing Jenna without her token ~*sunglasses*~ either. It's so unsettling. But her actress has really expressive eyes which adds an extra layer of fun when watching her scenes.

  3. Default avatar Anonymous July 21st, 2012 / Saturday

    OMG so random fact about Yani Gellman, the actor who plays Garrett.
    Did you know he was in the Lizzie McGuire Movie?!?!?!?!?
    He friggin played Paolo Valisari, the creeper singer guy who sets up Lizzie.
    I found that out and was like total MINDFUQ o.O


    • Default avatar Anonymous July 22nd, 2012 / Sunday

      LOL I know! I think he was just born to play a creeper!

  4. Default avatar Anonymous July 22nd, 2012 / Sunday

    Hi, love your Pretty Little Liars recaps, but what happened to Teen Wolf?

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