Season 3 Episode 4, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Birds of a Feather

Melissa reveals exactly how crazy she is; Emily meets Maya’s cousin; Aria sets up an online dating profile for her mom.

VERONICA HASTINGS, GURL WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR HAIR???

Ever since the season started, Mama Hastings has gone on an epic ~*hairstyle journey*~ (aka. midlife crisis) where she changes into a new do every single week. Some days there’s a fringe. Other days it’s wavy. Once in a while, she likes to surprise us with a lopsided sweep. It’s almost like witnessing a shape-shifter in action and I never know what her hair will look like next!

I demand a legit explanation about why her hair is taking a new life form over these past few episodes. Is she wearing a wig? Did she get a different hairstylist? What’s going on up there!? I never noticed her hair before, but now it’s practically the only thing I can focus on whenever Mama Hastings makes an appearance. Like, not even the main pretty little liars go through this many hairstyle changes in such a short period of time!!!

While we’re on the aesthetic criticism part of the recap (aka. bitching about how people look), Aria’s dress with the loud prints & the deep plunge looks like something that Gloria from Modern Family would wear, no? Except Sofia Vergara is tall and buxom, whereas Lucy Hale is…not, so this dress doesn’t really have the same va-va-voom effect.

Also, is Aria aware that she has a dead butterfly’s body splattered on her chest? Her fondness for these insect accessories is something that I will never understand.

Speaking of fashion choices, isn’t it about time that Jason DiLaurentis take off his clothes and give us a shirtless scene this season? It has been downright criminal that he remained fully clothed in a majority of his scenes so far. At least the wardrobe department compensates by putting him in these form-fitting clothes that highlight his best assets. I didn’t think it was possible for Jason to wear shirts any tighter, but he always finds a way to showcase dem pecs with each of his outfits~

(Dear Recap Everything, are you actually going to write about the episode or will this entire recap consist of your random musings on hairstyles, dresses, and pecs?)

Jason is setting up a citywide ~*scavenger hunt*~ over his sister’s stolen remains. The lucky winner will be rewarded $50,000 (!!!) for any useful information on her whereabouts. Of course, the likeliest scenario is that A will find a way to cash in for an early payday, so Jason is essentially sponsoring the same malevolent evildoer who dug up his sister’s grave in the first place. GOOD JOB BRUH!

I’m guessing that Jason will receive a.) false tips, b.) malicious prank calls, and c.) the occasional marriage proposal now that he advertised across town his contact information & the generous size of his bank account. He might as well have posted a personal ad that said: “ATTN GOLD DIGGERS, I AM FILTHY RICH~”

At the end of the episode, Jason claims that he’ll withdraw the reward money, but the mofo is actually lying because he wrote a big fat juicy cheque to some mysterious unknown person. :O

Fifty thousand dollars is a flipping crapload of money! In PLL currency, that’s the equivalent of six engagement rings for Melissa (who still has four more fiancés to go through). Plus, Spencer could use the remaining $2000 to purchase a misleading clue that ultimately doesn’t reveal A’s identity. (Ha, remember that abandoned plot from last season? Do ya think Spencer paid back her brother’s loan yet? I’m guessing NO.)

In this episode, Emily begins her new job at the local coffee shop. Her employer is some gay hipster barista who’s all *jazz hands* and *wrist snaps*. Let’s see: cute, a lil’ pretentious & has shades of bitchiness – he seems like the type of guy that Mike Montgomery will end up dating in ten years.

(Just kidding! A relationship between two bottoms will never work out.)

I believe Emily worked for a total of three seconds before she’s promptly interrupted by a new character introduction. Meet Maya’s cousin – Nate St. Germain!

The whole purpose of Nate’s character is to tell Emily to move on from Maya’s death, and she’s pretty much like *okie-dokie*. Unfortunately, it takes them four scenes to reach this point of enlightenment, so we have to put up with Emily and Nate going BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH for a good portion of the show.

I understand that Emily needs closure before she whores herself to yet another relationship, but that doesn’t disguise the UTTER INANITY of her conversations with Nate.

Nate: I love the way Maya opened her cereal boxes. :*(
Emily: Oh yes, she opened them so beautifully. :*(
Nate: Her favourite cereal was cornflakes. :*(
Emily: Then I hope she eats lots of cornflakes in heaven. :*(

Disclaimer: I think I made their dialogue sound more exciting than it actually is.

Sorry, but Maya wasn’t that compelling of a character before she passed away, and she’s even less interesting to talk about now that she’s dead dead dead. Of course, the show refuses to discuss the biggest point of interest about her character – how the fuck did Maya die anyway!? I mean, killing somebody just to get a cliffhanger ending in the season finale isn’t a good enough explanation anymore.

Anyway, Nate is a college student at Hollis, so he’s gonna stick around the show for a while. However, he’s thinking of moving away since Nate has a tough time settling into a neighbourhood where Maya’s death is so prevalent across town…

OK WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT!? It took them three fucking seasons to finally introduce an important male character that isn’t some generic white guy, and they’re already trying to write him off the show within one episode!? SMH@U Pretty Little Liars.

Unfortunately, this is still an improvement over the last time Pretty Little Liars took a stab at racial diversity. Remember when Aria talked to Lewis the Basketball Player with his one line of dialogue last season? It was pretty cringe.

Aria: HI LEWIS, WHERE’S MY BROTHER MIKE?
Lewis: He’s not in the basketball court. :) *exits scene*

So, my first impression of Nate is WHAT A SMOOTH OPERATOR. This guy is soooo slick. Please tell me I wasn’t the only one who thought he was making some *major* moves on Emily throughout the episode!?

Okay, it wasn’t like Nate outright flirted with her, but I caught a lotta subtle social cues that resemble what a guy might do if he was trying to impress a girl romantically. For starters, what’s up with Nate putting on those pseudo-intellectual glasses and pretending to read a book in front of Emily?

Later in the episode, he “accidentally” left his book in Emily’s possession so that they’re obligated to meet again. It’s a classic dating move – y’know, pretending to leave behind some crap so that you’ve an excuse to schedule another date in the future?

Nate: Ah, I just realized I forgot Maya’s parents’ address in my car…

And then he has the nerve to pull the same trick again! Oh my god, this has to be the most transparent attempt to get a girl into your car for some backseat action!

Oh, and don’t forget this oddly intimate exchange that took place between Nate & Emily.

Emily: We saw this movie on our first date. Actually, we didn’t really see much of a movie… ;)
Nate: Sounds like my kind of first date. ;)

WTF? Is this the kind of conversation you have with somebody that you just met? However, I’m kinda glad that Maya’s shtick of making inappropriate sexual innuendos also runs in the family.

I don’t know what they’re planning to do with Nate’s character, and maybe I’m reading too much into his actions, but it seemed like he was trying very hard to get something happenin’ with Emily.

Well, *trying* is the operative word here. Don’t let the fact that she’s a lesbian stop you from hitting on your dead cousin’s girlfriend, dude!

HALEB IS OFFICIALLY OVAH!!!

Caleb is all about NO MOAR SEKRITS, but Hanna is like “Um babe, keeping these pointless little secrets makes up 99% of the show, so I suggest you better dwi~”. Unfortunately, this proves to be the breaking point for our troubled couple, who has been going through a rough patch since the season started. Poor Hanna is left in tears as she asks: “r u rly breaking up wiv me?” and Caleb’s reply is “ya kthxbye~” and that’s pretty much the end of their love story.

To be honest, I’m feeling totally ~whatever~ about Hanna and Caleb breaking up. After dragging out this tedious relationship drama for four episodes, I’m at the point where I don’t give two hoots about this goddamn couple anymore. Besides, we all know the best part about Haleb has always been their break-up scenes. Cue the melodramatic crying and overwrought background music! This is where Hanna shines best!

Aria: Every couple fights. You both just need a little time to cool off.

You know Hanna must feel really desperate when she’s taking relationship advice from fucking Aria – queen of the dysfunctional love life.

Aria: Look, if it were me, I would tell Ezra about A. I’d have to.

Oh god, Aria is so full of shit. As if she has been completely forthright with Ezra about the whole A situation. *rolls eyes* Maybe she should start practicing what she preaches? It’s easier to talk the talk than walk the walk, sister!

By the way, I think A tried to run over Caleb’s mom with a car or something? It was totally EVIL but also totally RANDOM that A would travel all the way to Montecito just to not kill somebody. It seems more likely that A snagged some random photo from the Internet just to fuck with Hanna’s head.

You shouldn’t feel too bad about Hanna being so unlucky in love, considering that she already found a cozy rebound in Wren. As if their body language doesn’t convey that they want to rip off each other’s clothes right there in this mental asylum. She looks like she’s ready to POUNCE on him, while he has to cross his legs just to hide his THROBBING ERECTION.

Hanna was practically molesting his hand before she even broke up with Caleb, so goodness knows what this trollop would do once she’s a single woman again. Of course, Wren wouldn’t be Wren unless he plays the role of the ultimate tease, as he pulls his hand away and goes like “The next time you put your hand on me, it’ll be firmly pressed against my butt cheeks~ :D”

How bizarre was it to see Wren and whatshisface interact in a scene together? Talk about two people you normally wouldn’t associate with each other. Then again, I never thought I’d see Hanna and Wren paired up until a few episodes ago, so stranger character combinations have happened before.

I love how so many characters have made these random cameo appearances at the nuthouse. First Wren, then Lucas, and now Wilden. At this rate, the Radley Sanitarium is practically considered the new hangout place for all the infamous creepers on Pretty Little Liars.

ohbtw I think Detective Wilden was there to interrogate Mona for being such an evil psychotic crazypants. He also suspects the pretty little liars might have faked their alibis on the night Alison got *graverobbed*. TBH, we all know he’s just going through the motions and pretending to investigate in order to collect his monthly paycheque. Nice try buddy, but you aren’t fooling anyone.

Hanna isn’t the only one with relationship woes. Mama Montgomery needs some well-baked muffin in her oven as well, or at least that’s what Aria thinks of her newly divorced mother.

Aria: Mom, what are you doing for the weekend?
Ella: Oh, I am too busy changing the scores on all these pop quizzes that I need to grade. ^_^

..which Aria translates as OH MY GOD, MY MOM IS SUCH A PATHETIC LOSER WHO MUST BE DYING ON THE INSIDE WITHOUT A MAN IN HER LIFE. SHE IS DESTINED TO SPEND ETERNITY AS AN OLD AND LONELY HAG UNLESS I RESCUE HER FROM THE MISERABLE DEPTHS OF INDEPENDENCE!!!

And that’s how Aria started browsing online dating websites to find a new mate for her mom, with some special tips & pointers from the experienced Mama Marin. Don’t you just love that Aria feels a need to meddle in other people’s love lives, as if her own fucked up relationship isn’t exhausting enough on its own?

SPOILER ALERT: Oh look, somebody leaked the cast pictures for the latest season of The Bachelorette!

(Just kidding! There’s too much racial diversity among the candidates for it to be an actual cast in The Bachelor franchise.)

Ooh, check out this naughty hottie~~ Greenwine27 is a mature bachelor who enjoys intellectual pursuits and maintaining a healthy living. He has been rocking a groovy moustache before Tom Selleck even thought it was cool.

44 years old!? Oh grandpa, dream on. This guy looks like he’s ready to collect his pension and check into a retirement home.

LMAO this asshole didn’t even bother to take off his wedding ring for his online dating profile picture. Well, at least he’s laying ~all his cards~ on the table.

I love how the other bachelors post two or three pictures in their album, and then this vain motherfucker comes strutting in with like a bajillion photos of himself. Wow, somebody must have a very high self-esteem. *sideeye*

By the way, the irony of Aria browsing a dating website with much older men is not lost on me. *roflmao* I’m starting to think that Ezra might actually be a little too young for her tastes, because evidently Aria likes her lovers to be at least thrice her age.

HOTMAMMA loves to Tango! Really dancing of any sort. I’m constantly on the search for fun and excitement. I’m athletic and I love to cook, in fact I’m a gourmet chef.

Proving that she can bullshit with the best of them, Aria creates a dating profile for her mom, containing hilariously fictitious details like “gourmet chef” and “athletic”. Well, I guess that description sounds more appealing than ‘disgruntled divorcee with no social life’.

Hanna: Athletic!? Aria, does your mom even own a pair of sneakers?

When it comes to choosing usernames, Aria suggests these very Aria-ish names like ‘RosewoodGirl’ and ‘ArtLover’, but it was Hanna who came up with HOTMAMMA so that Ella would actually have a chance to get laid instead of having an unvisited profile on the bottom of the nineteenth page.

I must admit, watching Hanna put her arms around Aria while whispering the words ~hot mama~ into her ear was surprisingly sexy. I was totes sensing some strong vibes between these two. :3

Ashley was all like WADDUP HOT SLUT and that’s when Ella finds out about her new pseudonym on the interwebs. After tapping her hand furiously on the tablet in hopes of deleting the profile (lmao), the two women exchange notes as two hot milfy cougars on the prowl.

My favourite part is when Ashley called out all the Rosewood men on being pedocreepos who prey on much, much younger women out of their age range.

Ashley: Well, most of the men our age want someone… *tilts head at a pair of young sluts* …their age.

True dat, sister!

Ella: Honestly, dating isn’t even on my mind. I’m just trying to adjust to all the changes. :(
Ashley: GURL STAY STRONG~~~ WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU~~~

I’m absolutely loving the sizzling sismance between Mama Marin and Mama Montgomery. In fact, I’m loving the whole online dating saga in this episode, which turned out to be both hilarious and also surprisingly insightful. The show touched on a serious topic (divorce) without getting too angsty, and it also gave us plenty of rich character development for both mamas. Overall, a well-written and well-constructed storyline that’s far too rare for this show. For me, this was genuinely one of the most enjoyable subplots on Pretty Little Liars.

Ella: It has been a couple of overwhelming months for me and I’m doing my best to get through it, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely or dying for companionship. I’ve been a wife and a mom for my entire adult life. I’m looking forward to getting to a calmer place and having some time for myself before adding somebody else to that equation.

Wow, I didn’t expect such mature and perceptive words coming from this show. *mind is blown* How refreshing is it to hear a character say that they don’t need to be in a relationship to be emotionally satisfied? I know this goes against the mantra of Pretty Little Liars where nobody can stay single for more than a few consecutive episodes, which only makes this way more awesome.

Of course, Aria looks at her mom like she cannot comprehend the thought of somebody being happy if they aren’t involved in a romantic relationship. It’s like she can’t process a reality where a person’s existence isn’t solely defined by their love life (esp. since Aria’s entire character was founded on that basis). Just look at her face – that is an expression of pure pity.

BTW I figured out the reason why Aria wants to hook up her mom with some anonymous dude online. She’s totally worried and threatened by the prospects of EZRELLA happening, so she needs to keep Mama Montgomery’s loins occupied with a random boyfriend asap.

Due to growing concerns that Spencer’s sister is a shady bitch, the pretty little liars decide to break into her apartment to collect some intel. Shit immediately hits the fan when Melissa was suddenly like LOL I’M BACK whilst the girls were still inside the flat!!! They’re forced to retreat in the gigantic walk-in closet, which is usually a good enough hiding place…

…but then Melissa was like LOL IMMA OPEN MY CLOSET AND GO THRU ALL MAH CLOTHES ONE BY ONE. This was a pretty stupid yet ridiculously intense scene, where the girls would’ve gotten exposed if Melissa pulled aside just two more jackets. I love the imagery of the girls cowering in fear while Melissa stands *right there* on the other side of the closet, heh heh.

(Speaking of indecent exposure, why doesn’t Hanna just wear a bra OVER her top if she’s gonna be dressed like that? FFS.)

In Melissa’s closet, the pretty little liars find a black and blue feather that matches the dress worn by Black Swan…which means ZOMG THEY ACTUALLY SOLVED A MYSTERY!!!

Hanna: You know what they say, if the feather fits…
Aria: Hanna, it’s the shoe. If the shoe fits.
Hanna: Whatever, Melissa is A!

Once Spencer confronts her sister about all the lies, Melissa reacts with a hilariously melodramatic meltdown that looks so fucking contrived, but I can’t tell whether the character is *acting* or if the actress is *overacting*. Anyway, Melissa literally falls down on her knees and bursts into these uncontrollable sobbing fits (my initial reaction: lolololol) and then she finally confesses all her crimes!!!

Pfft. More like spewing her diarrhoea of lies, amirite? Melissa reveals that she actually lost her baby around the time Ian’s body was found. I think her reasoning has something to do with lmao bitch joo crazy. Melissa claims that she *tried* telling Spencer about this faux pregnancy, but then she found Ian’s cell phone in her sister’s bag and sorta flipped the fuck out. (Oh yeah I remember that scene from Episode 5 last season – another shining example of Melissa’s epic cray!)

In addition, Melissa comes up with the most unbelievable excuse about somebody ~*blackmailing*~ her to wear that Black Swan dress at the masquerade ball, or else she’d risk her fake pregnancy being exposed. Spencer looked at her sister like “lolwtf there are so many flaws in that story that i don’t even know where to start” but Melissa was all “Either I’m lying my ass off, or I’m really telling the truth which means this show is just incapable of writing coherent plots, realistic character motivations, and logical conclusions to a mystery~”

Furthermore, Mama Hastings reveals that she’s only defending Garrett because his first lawyer had some dirt on Melissa that would make her a guilty suspect in Ali’s murder. Spencer naturally jumps to the conclusion that means her sister must have killed Alison, but the show *insists* that Melissa might behave like a psychotic bitch all the time but she’s not capable of hurting anyone. Um okay?

Spencer is like “My brain is hurting from so much bullshit”, while Mama Hastings warns her daughter to keep this secret within the family. Quite frankly, I’d be embarrassed too if my I had a daughter who faked her pregnancy, got blackmailed into wearing a dress, and behaved so suspiciously that even her own parents thought she killed a bitch.

At this point, let’s just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if Mona has a new batshit crazy neighbour in the asylum sooner than later. *waves knife violently in your face*

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16 Responses

  1. Default avatar Sam V July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

    Great recap as always! <3

    Fun fact: Holly M. Combs did in fact portray a gourmet chef (slash baddass witch) on Charmed.

    (Also… I love how Spencer is ALWAYS the one to point out who's A or Ali's killer, but even though they have enough dirt on her sister, she can't bring herself to accept it and ends up telling her everything.)

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      Thank you! <3 And btw Piperownage will be always and forever timeless~

      I keep thinking that a fight will break out b/w Spencer & the other liars over her sister's shady ass, especially since Hanna seems dead set on accusing Melissa of A/Black Swan/Ali's killer/Big Bad. It'd be interesting to see how Spencer would react if her sis was actually revealed to be evil tho~

  2. Default avatar Anonymous July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

    YAY!! Thanks for the recap!! I've missed them!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      You're welcome! Absence makes the heart fonder. :)

  3. Default avatar Anonymous July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

    I think Aria kills all the woodland creatures in her spare time for her outfits.

    I loved the mom's storyline can we replace those with all the Ezzzzzzaria scenes, pretty please show!

    Are the Hasting's allergic to electricity or something? Why do they insist on doing everything from homework, to slicing up vegetables with giant ass knifes, to coming up with insane theories and lies out of thin air in the freaking dark?

    I think Nate is Maya's stalker that was always calling her before she was murdered not her cousin.

    You'll have even more fun with episode 5's fashion.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

      I am pretty sure certain animal species are now extinct because of Aria.

      TBH I wouldn't mind replacing Aria & Hanna's screentime with their mama counterparts. It'll be sad to give up Hanna, but it'd totally be worth it to get rid of Ezria once and for all.

      And omg yesss those Hastings need to turn on some damn lights in their home! Not everything needs to be done like some kind of midnight ritual, people!

      Interesting theory about Nate~ I kinda forgot about that stalker storyline but it now adds up. Maya's cousin = *very boring* but Maya's stalker = *very interested* :O

  4. Default avatar Anonymous July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

    If you think a dead butterfly was bad, Kurt from Glee had a dead bug brooch on his graduation.
    Also, Hanaria is my OTP now!!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

      Have not watched the ~*Glee Graduation Extravaganza*~ yet but I don't doubt that Kurt's horrid clothing choices will make my eyes bleed bleed bleed.

      Hanaria is the only pair that matters on this show, fact.

  5. Default avatar Anonymous July 13th, 2012 / Friday

    YAY!~ A new recap! 8D

    -ANoelle

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

      YAY! Enjoy this new recap and the next one too! 8D

  6. Default avatar Alex July 14th, 2012 / Saturday

    I love your critique of Veronica's hair. Also: “GreenWine27 X Ella. I'm shipping it” made me legit laugh my ass off. Too funny. Also, when you updating Teen Wolf? It's been way too long gurl. *SMH*

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      Veronica's hair and Toby's hair are both out of control this season. Whenever their hairstyles enter a scene, I can't focus on anything else other than their bizarre head of hair.

      I'm pretty sure the Teen Wolf ratings are dropping like a stone because I'm not recapping it (cause and effect, y'all), so I need to catch up on the past few episode and get up to speed again. Even tho I'm like 5 episodes behind.

  7. Default avatar Meg July 18th, 2012 / Wednesday

    I literally squealed in delight that you made a new update! :) PS. I'm with Alex – you should update your Teen Wolf posts.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      TY! I think the best part about not updating often is that when an update actually happens, it seems so much better~ :D

      I'm gonna try and watch all the new Teen Wolf episodes this weekend, and then just write whatever incoherent recap I can come up with. When I'm so behind a show though, I never know if there's much ~*demand*~ for a recap anymore, so it's good to know that some readers still want to read 'em!

  8. Default avatar Anonymous July 19th, 2012 / Thursday

    Soo waiting for new recaps :-)

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