Season 3 Episode 3, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Kingdom of the Blind

Jenna fakes being blind, Melissa fakes being pregnant, and Mona fakes being crazy. Who is the Queen of Fake?

To recap what happened in the last episode: BITCH CAN SEE!!! Apparently, Jenna was faking her eyesight because she put herself in some kind of self-imposed ~*blindness protection program*~. She did this as a preventive measure since somebody had tried to kill her in an explosion last season.

Um, I am honestly not sure how lying about your eyesight will somehow increase your life expectancy rate, but then again you oughta wonder about the *mental stability* of somebody who thought this faux blindness was a good idea in the first place. I suppose if her life was ever in danger again, she’d at least have a walking cane to protect herself.

Hanna: We should push a table in front of her and see what happens.
Spencer: God, Hanna, you have all the subtlety of a hand grenade.
Hanna: Thank you!

The pretty little liars have a good old bitch about Jenna every opportunity that they get in this episode. Doesn’t it feel like they spend more time talking about Jenna behind her back than they actually do talking to Jenna herself?

The unintentionally funniest line in the episode goes to Emily, who says without a single shred of irony:

Emily: Imagine faking it for so long!?

This coming from the formerly closeted lesbian who had been faking it for over a decade. So yeah, imagine that.

Aria decides to accompany Jenna at an upcoming music recital, since she now has an ulterior motive to spy on her enemy. During their short exchange together, Jenna made a tongue-in-cheek remark like “HAI ARIA, LONG TIME NO SEE~~~ :D” which kinda freaked out those pretty little liars because only *they* are allowed to make politically incorrect digs at blind girls on this show! How dare you, Jenna!

LOOK AT ARIA MULTIASKING!!! I gotta laugh at her attempt to spy on Jenna, which consists of making shifty eyes while seated behind a keyboard and randomly hitting the notes. Just look at her, could this bitch be any more conspicuous? I almost expected her to pull out a pair of binoculars at some point in her investigation.

So yeah, Aria carries out the covert operations with as much stealth and discretion as you’d normally expect from her character, which is to say she got caught just ten seconds after she started. Even Jenna, who is trying so hard to pretend to be blind, couldn’t ignore this outright blatant intrusion of her privacy. Jenna does a fierce head turn and goes like “bitch can I help you with something!?” and Aria is like *tres awkward*.

In case you were wondering about how good Aria is at playing the keyboard, it’s probably not a good indicator that Jenna had to remind herself to bring a pair of earplugs.

Hanna: Earplugs!? God, I wish people would be more specific with their clues.
Spencer: I’ll put it in the suggestion box.

BRB~ I’m spamming the PLL suggestion box with my complaints, although I don’t think the clues on this show could get any vaguer even if they tried.

One of the best character transformations between Season 2 and Season 3 is how Lucas turned into a scruffy teen hobo who lost access to a functioning razor. Bless him and his half-assed attempt to grow sexy stubble, although his five o’clock shadow looked more like he simply forgot to wash his face in the morning.

(Remember when Caleb was actually a hobo in Season 1, yet he still somehow looked more well-groomed than Lucas does right now? How is that possible?)

Lucas was so traumatized by how shitty his storylines were last season (summary: a forgotten love interest, an unexplored love triangle & a virtually nonexistent online gambling debt) that he has since become a rebellious delinquent and budding arsonist who hilariously sets crap on fire. There Lucas was, having a normal convo with Hanna, and thirty seconds later he suddenly whips out his lighter and goes like LET THIS MOTHERFUCKER BURNNNNN!!!

Hands down, this is my favourite Lucas scene to date. Good job on making another character go completely bonkers and bypassing all levels of regular human sanity, PLL!

To be fair, Lucas probably flipped out because he went from being a viable love interest, then got passed over for Caleb, and now even fucking Wren has a better chance of tasting the Hanna muffin than he does. Plus, we all know that the male characters on Pretty Little Liars only come in two flavours: a.) love interest & b.) total creeper, so it isn’t too surprising to see his character derailment go in this direction.

Sadly, acting like a lunatic arsonist gave Lucas a better chance of feeling up Hanna than he did in the past two seasons. Look at the screenshot and how his delicate little fingers oh-so-carelessly brushed against her boob. You go get some, boi~

See, aren’t you glad you read Recap Everything? Or else you’d miss out on this millisecond shot of Lucas acting like an accidental pervert. Where else on the interwebs would you find a TV recapper who watches this damn show FRAME BY FRAME? Now that’s commitment!

We get a hilarious exchange between Lucas & Caleb, featuring some of the worst dialogue to ever disgrace this show.

Caleb: I know all about Mona being A. Hanna told me.
Lucas: That’s the tip of the iceberg. Lots more under the surface.
Caleb: Ancient history.
Lucas: More like current events. You know, ripped form today’s headlines.
Caleb: What headlines are we talking about?

How did this insipid conversation jump from icebergs to headlines? Does anyone even know what these two idiots are blathering about anymore?

Perhaps my favourite part is Lucas’ insistence on using a vague iceberg analogy that probably sounded cleverer in his head than saying it out loud.

Lucas: Icebergs turn over. Did you know that? They just roll over and bring up all of that buried junk. You don’t want to get too close when that happens.
Caleb: Is that a threat?
Lucas: It’s an observation.

IT’S BOLLOCKS, that’s what it is. I love that Caleb has absolutely no idea what gobshit Lucas is talking about with the iceberg thing.

Lucas’ erratic behaviour and inconsistent facial hair growth makes him a suspicious figure in the grand scheme of things. Especially since he has been visiting Mona to verify whether she is *really* cray-cray.

Hanna: You’re visiting Mona!!!
Lucas: Maybe. I could have a lot of emotionally disturbed friends.

LOL. It’s funny because Lucas thinks people would believe that he actually has any friends.

After Emily discovered that she got an undeserved grade of 94 on her test, she goes off to complain to Mama Montgomery. A typical student would be like “Mrs. M, why you gotta be such a stingy bitch and not round up to 100?” But for some reason Emily is afraid she’d get in trouble over a test that she didn’t cheat on, so she tells her teacher to do the right thing and just flunk her ass instead.

Emily: Oh no, there has been a terrible mistake and you need to fail me asap, kthx~
Ella: EMILY WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU TO SUCCEED. *wink wink* Any friend of Aria will be a friend of the honour roll. ;)

Is Emily the only student in history to ask her teacher for a lower grade? Here on Recap Everything, we are encouraged to CONDEMN any acts of ethical conduct on the show, so shame on Emily for being such an ungrateful twat who wouldn’t accept the grade that she was given. A woman risked her entire career to give you high marks, so the least she can do is say thank you!

Aria: My mom’s protective instincts have been in overdrive since the divorce. She’s compensating.
Emily: Yeah, I wish she’d compensate on somebody else.

*lol* at Emily’s thinly veiled dig at Mama Montgomery’s parenting skills, which completely goes over Aria’s head. “YA I WISH UR MOM WOULD COMPENSATE ON *SOMEBODY ELSE*. COUGH COUGH.”

Can you imagine what kind of grades Aria must be scoring if her mom would give out a 94 to any student with a sob story? She has one teacher who’s a blood relative, plus another teacher who she had been boning on the sly. Credit to Aria, this girl has the education system all figured out!

Aria: Have you ever helped out a student?
Ezra: *stunned pause* …is that a trick question?

LMAO. “Helping out a student~”. DYING. I think the innuendo escaped Aria per usual, but Ezra totally thought that she was asking if he banged other students in the past, hence his panicky response. I have no doubts that Mr. Fitz was quite the “helpful” teacher before he met Aria though.

So A makes a half-assed attempt to get Aria’s mom into trouble (since you can usually tell how engaging a storyline is based on A’s involvement, which in this case is very minimal) and she almost gets fired until Ezra makes up some unbelievable bullshit lie to the vice principal, which led to the charges being dropped. We could have witnessed Mama Montgomery getting sacked and/or Emily getting suspended, so this was a very anticlimactic resolution tbh.

The only new development to come out of the whole cheating scandal was the revelation that ELLA HAS OBVIOUS ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR EZRA. No wonder she was so supportive over her daughter’s illegitimate boyfriend, that’s because mama wants to join in the hot teacher-on-teacher action as well! There was so much sexual tension brewing between them that Mama Montgomery nearly threw her body at him and almost starting grinding Ezra right there in the school cafeteria!

OMG JUST LOOK AT HER. SHE WANTS TO TAP DAT ASS SOOOOOO BADLY. You can practically picture her ovaries quivering with orgasmic delight as she fantasizes many naughty sexual positions in her head. Even though nothing happened between them in the end, she still had more buzzing chemistry with him than any of the impotent Ezria scenes in the past three seasons. THE EZRELLA SHIP HAS LAUNCHED BABY!!!

Unfortunately, Emily is still banging on about her rigged grades because there’s just no pleasing this bitch. She even accuses Ezra of giving her preferential treatment just because he has been frolicking in Aria’s lady garden.

Emily: YOU FELT SORRY FOR ME. THAT’S NOT WHAT I NEED FROM MY TEACHERS. AND I DON’T THINK YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT IF YOU WEREN’T WITH ARIA. GRR!!!
Ezra: ya u r basically spot on about everything.

Although Emily was being a bit annoying in this scene, I love that she basically called out Ezra and Ella for being the corrupt unethical scumbags that they are. Also note that Aria has been strangely nonchalant about the whole ordeal, probably because she’s used to getting this kind of favouritism from her teachers.

In the end, Ezra finally gets Emily to shut up by giving her the same exam papers so that she can redo the test again, even though the results won’t actually mean anything (aka. it’s a complete waste of time). We never get to see the results of Emily’s redo test, but I’m hoping that she got a lower grade than 94, which means the moral of the story is that the cheaters win out in the end. HOORAY!

Hanna and Caleb can’t see eye-to-eye over her frequent visits with Mona, so they’re quarrelling yet again.

Caleb: I don’t want you to come out here and visit Madhouse Mona!
Hanna: Do not call her that! Alright, there’s another Mona in there! (SPOILER ALERT: SHE HAS A TWIN OMG!) The one I grew up with. The one who stuck with me. Not the one who tore up your letter or tortured my friends and ran me over with a car.
Caleb: Whoa, she is the one who ran you over!?
Hanna: No, I went over the car, okay? Not under it.

Heh. This show pays attention to continuity for the weirdest details.

Sorry Haleb fans, but I’m calling DOA on their romance which is pretty much dead, dead, dead. These two have been bickering non-stop since the season started, and you can practically see the writers’ slimy fingerprints as they sabotage the relationship with reckless abandon. Wren must currently be in standby mode, ready to take over as the new love interest while we count down to the inevitable break-up episode…

Hanna also proves that you can’t win an argument against her. Ever. Not against this kind of impeccable logic.

Hanna: You want to know the truth!? Boom, here it is! It’s like a big bowl of spaghetti that’s all tangled. Have you ever untangled spaghetti?
Caleb: …no?
Hanna: There you go!

Well, if Hanna wants to make these secret visits to Mona behind her boyfriend’s back, then two can play that game! Caleb also drops by the nuthouse to let Mona know who’s boss.

Caleb: *sternly* Do not mess with Hanna.
Mona: You two make a lovely couple.
Caleb: You’re laughing at all of us in there…in your head, aren’t you? Here’s the real joke. I get to walk out of that door. You aren’t going anywhere.

Oh, go ahead and argue with a crazy person. This will certainly end well.

Mona: You are a lousy kisser.

Ooh burn, girlfriend! *finger snap* All Wren needs to do is not suck at kissing and he’ll already be an improvement over Hanna’s last boyfriend. But more importantly, I’m now fully invested in Mona x Caleb so much that I don’t even care about him staying with Hanna anymore. Where can I sign up to pledge my newfound support for this crack ship?

After dissing Caleb to his face, Mona follows up by screaming like a LUNATIC BANSHEE who needs to be restrained, shot, and put down by the medics. Caleb is like *wtfgurl* while Mona goes all crazypants on his ass.

The whole exchange took place like this:
Caleb: u stay away from hanna
Mona: and u suck at kissing ;) *one second later* AHHHHHHH!!! *flips over table* WAHHHHHHH!!! *rips off wig* GWAHHHHH!!! *stabs air with a plastic knife* KYWAHHHHHHHH!!!
Caleb: wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf

Speaking of lunatic banshees, Melissa is back! Unfortunately, we’re told that she lost the baby somewhere along the way (which makes Emily’s aborted fetus joke in the last season finale so much more tragically inappropriate omg ;_;) so now she’s even angrier and more miserable than ever. But Melissa has always been a crazy volatile bitch so I didn’t notice much of a difference in her behaviour anyway.

Spencer’s relationship with her older sister is still as rocky ever, especially since Melissa now has an automatic get-out-of-jail-free card at her disposal

Melissa: Will you just stop!? For once in your life, stop trying to be the smartest person in the room!!! Climb out of Spencer World long enough to see that some people have lost everything! EVERYFING!!!
Spencer: *tries arguing with Melissa*
Melissa: I HAD A DEAD BABY SO STFU BITCH. *middle finger*
Spencer: D:

I normally wouldn’t be this uncouth when it comes to touchy topics like dead babies, but it turns out that Melissa FUCKING LIED about her pregnancy miscarriage thingy or whatever. Spencer did some investigating and found out that Melissa wasn’t staying at a hospital when she allegedly lost her bb so wtf!? The details aren’t all that clear right now, except it’s pretty much confirmed that Melissa is a mentally unstable demented bitch gone off her meds, but what else is new?

Spencer: *pretending to be Melissa* So I have a question about my hotel bill on June 10th…
Hotel Clerk: Miss Hastings, I have restaurant and spa charges as well as the additional robe.

It almost sounds like she was having a party out there! Why didn’t she just order a bottle of champagne to wash down the clam chowder while she was at it? The fact that Melissa was enjoying a first-class spa vacation on the day she supposedly mourned over her dead baby is fucking messed up on so many levels.

Melissa isn’t the only one acting like a shady mofo in the family. Mama Hastings is also catching a lot of shade for choosing to represent Garrett’s defense. Spencer calls out her mom for defending the man who’s accused of killing “her best friend” (erm, that’s debatable) and “the girl Emily was in love with” (Paige is the only girl that deserves Emily’s love so Maya needed to go to heaven to make room for this godsend couple), but Veronica was basically like IDGAF about hurting my daughter’s feelings, which is sadly consistent with her characterisation over the past three seasons.

So Aria & Hanna have been spying on Jenna, who they last spotted getting into a green taxi, as she heads off to a mysterious destination…

…and then suddenly Jenna is driving a car, wtf!? When I first watched this episode, I *legitimately* thought that JENNA HAS A TWIN ZOMG because it seemed like such an abrupt transition between her riding a taxi & her driving a car. So I rewatched the scene again and realized there was maybe a 2-second cutaway scene of Jenna entering into a building, and then it’s implied that she headed to the parking lot to grab her car or something.

I’m pointing this out because the show seems to have terrible editing issues lately, especially with denoting a passage of time, which makes it difficult to follow the plot. Also, it would have been an amazing crack twist if Jenna did have a twin sister, so I was massively let down what that wasn’t the case at all. Hmph. :-(

Less sleuthing, more confronting! Jenna is *busted* when the pretty little liars corner her and ask Y U SUCH A NON-BLIND LYING BITCH?

Hanna: Wow Jenna, what a sight for sore eyes.

Two blind digs at the price of one! Hanna truly outdid herself.

For a second there, I thought Jenna was gonna be like OH SCREW IT as she slams her foot on the accelerator and run over Hanna with the car. You’d think someone like Hanna would take precaution about jumping on the hood of an ignited vehicle, but sometimes I think this bitch is either fearless or simply has a death wish.

Jenna: Dead of night, edge of town, and Emily was just standing there, In the middle of the road, I almost hit her. You were drunk and crying and talking about Maya. I couldn’t just leave you there.

During her confession, Jenna tells some ridiculous story about driving Emily home in the middle of the night, which explains the flashback last episode. But then Emily jumped out of the car like a fucking drunken action hero, which sorta explains why her ass ended in the cemetery or something. Um, are we supposed to believe this crap coming out of her mouth? Because my bullshit radar is telling me that Jenna’s words = 100% BALONEY.

Anyway, Jenna makes these girls promise that they’ll keep her secret as a faux blind witch, because apparently she’ll get assassinated if word gets out that she can *see*. At first, the pretty little liars were like WE WON’T KEEP YOUR SECRET BECAUSE WE ARE BITCHES but then Jenna turns on the waterworks and reminds them that they basically caused her to go blind, so effective guilt trip is effective.

I still don’t understand how this makes a difference to her odds of survival, but whatever appeases her paranoid ass I suppose. -_-”

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21 Responses

  1. Default avatar Leo July 2nd, 2012 / Monday

    OMG…Points for noticing Lucas' pervert finger! You're the coolest ever! Lucas is such a douchebag, I kinda hate him.

    And Ezrella lol! But I really don't think PLL will go to Mommy-Daughter fighting over a guy…pfft Ezria ftw!

    Oooh, and I missed your fashion recap! Like how awesome is Aria's skull skirt at the last pic! Lol.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      This is probably the only PLL recap ever to point out Lucas' *pervert finger*. I'm so twisted when I watch television shows, haha.

      Sorry Leo, but Ezrella > Ezria any day of the week, although having Aria and Ella (and Mike) fight over the same guy would be too good of an opportunity to pass down.

      Believe me, I want to recap every ridiculous article of clothing, but these recaps are already too long and too delayed as they are. But I pledge to find a few pieces of clothing to bitch about in every recap. :D

  2. Default avatar Anonymous July 2nd, 2012 / Monday

    I totally was hoping that they would make Jenna a twin too Like the liars would confront the seeing 'Jenna' and that 'Jenna' would be like ” I'm not Jenna, I'm Jessica..her twin.” It could have been epic !

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      Now that you introduced the idea to my head, Jessica needs to be introduced to the show IMMEDIATELY. Twin twist is imminent.

  3. Default avatar Sabs July 2nd, 2012 / Monday

    O.M.G. by far one of your most hilarious recaps to date! I was literally laughing out loud! From Jenna's fake eyes, to the whole analysis of Lucas to Mona going batshit crazy on Caleb. This was definetly worth the wait! Keep up the good work!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      Thank you! I thought Episode 2, 3 & 4 were a really fun streak of episodes, so I had a blast writing the show recaps too.

  4. Default avatar Unknown July 3rd, 2012 / Tuesday

    Best part of this episode was seeing Ella go all Piper on the vending machine.*Ezrella 4eva!!!* -nic

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      EZRELLA IS MY OTP~~~

      Please never stop the Charmed references. Piper will live on in our hearts forever. <3

  5. Default avatar Beth July 4th, 2012 / Wednesday

    I loved how you painted eyes on Jenna in the first half of this recap. I also loved “this is how Ezria flirts” haha so true! Your recaps never disappoint. I can't wait for the next one :)

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      Thanks~ And I am tempted to go back to all my recaps to paint eyes in all of Jenna's screenshots. It just fits her, you know?

  6. Default avatar Anonymous July 4th, 2012 / Wednesday

    LOLOL, I'm loving the painted on eyes for Jenna. XD

    I think it's awesome that Emily is finally standing up for herself, and just says point blank that she doesn't want people giving her free passes and feeling sorry for her.

    • Default avatar Anonymous July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      ^Whoops, forgot my sig.

      ~ANoelle~

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      Emily was such a mopey cow in the past two episodes, so I'm glad that she finally got her fire back. Especially since Fiesty Emily can be so awesome.

  7. Default avatar Anonymous July 10th, 2012 / Tuesday

    YOU GET A TWIN SISTER! AND YOU GET A TWIN SISTER! AND ALISON GETS A TWIN SISTER! AND JENNA GETS A TWIN SISTER! AND MONA GETS A TWIN SISTER! TWIN SISTERS FOR EVERYONE!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 20th, 2012 / Friday

      YESSS!!! TWIN SISTERS FOR EVERYONE!!! FREE TWIN SISTER GIVEAWAYS!!!

    • Default avatar jahmelia e April 19th, 2013 / Friday

      jenna is a bicth becuz she lied and u know who killed ali gartert becuz the stick jenna hold that what he used fracturing her brains still alive she was burrided alive and the dirty went to her lungs and killed her

  8. Default avatar Anonymous July 23rd, 2012 / Monday

    Did anyone else see the random hand appearing in this episode when Hanna and Aria are spying on Jenna? It appears near Aria's window when she puts her seatbelt on. Sooooo creepy!

  9. Default avatar Anonymous August 26th, 2014 / Tuesday

    Wtf does this have to do with PLL seriously Pokemon trading cards.
    People are so random these days!!! :D

  10. Default avatar ytfutfurf June 9th, 2015 / Tuesday

    this is fuckin hilarious

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