Season 3 Episode 24, Pretty Little Liars Recap, A DAngerous GAme

Red Coat’s identity is revealed; Spencer and Toby are reunited; Ezria breaks up once again; AND FIYAH, LOTSA FIYAH~

Welcome to another season finale of Pretty Little Liars, the only TV show that would kill off a handful of characters, only for every single one of them to miraculously come back to life during the finale. Look, Alison is alive! Oh, Toby is alive too! That guy’s alive as well! And that guy! And him! Him too! Guess what, everybody is alive! NINE LIVES FOR EVERYONE, HOORAY!!!

Let’s take a look at the many undead characters that have been given a second chance at life: Detective Wilden, Toby Cavanaugh, Alison DiLaurentis…oh, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! The entire damn show revolves around Alison’s murder and now we find out the chick isn’t even dead! What gives!? Will any of the dead characters actually STAY dead!? Seriously, there are more zombies on Pretty Little Liars than the entire series of The Walking Dead!

I don’t understand how Toby is still alive. What happened to all those corpses they found in the woods? We witnessed an alarming number of campers who suddenly dropped dead over the past few episodes, so you’d think at least one of them would be #DEADTOBY, but I guess those were just random anon guys whose murders will never get resolved.

My two cents: I think it’s a cop-out that they hit the reset button on Toby as if the past dozen of episodes never happened. Going into the finale, he was supposed to be EVIL or DEAD or ideally BOTH…and we ended up with zero out of the three scenarios happening. Unfortunately, we should’ve known the PLL writers were too chickenshit to stick by their convictions and go the full baddie route with a beloved character. Now, Toby is back to being all angelic and cleansed and born-again. :\

Let’s offer our hearty congratulations to all the Spoby fans out there, who must’ve bombarded the PLL writers with desperate suicidal pleas to bring back their favourite character until they finally got their way. So congratulations, Spoby fans! You win! You guys got the perfect finale that your little shipper’s heart could have hoped for. Your prince is alive, and he’s still madly in love with Spencer, plus he was actually an undercover good guy all along! *throws confetti everywhere* All those Wren and Andrew fans can suck it, and they can take their ships back to fanfiction land because SPOBY IS FOREVER CANON, BABY~~~

Spencer actually knew Toby was alive because that’s how Mona lured her to join The A Team. However, she secretly went behind Mona’s back and scheduled a rendezvous meeting with Toby, which took him by surprise.

Toby: *whispers fearfully* Does Mona know you’re here?

I don’t know why I ever thought Toby and Mona were equals on The A Team, or that he had any authority at all, because it’s so obvious that he is DEATHLY AFRAID of her. He acts like Mona is right around the corner, ready to kill him with a poisonous dart if he makes just one wrong move. Toby sounded terrified to even say her name out loud, that’s how scared shitless he was!

I don’t know if it’s possible to converse normally with an evil ex-boyfriend whom you presumed to be dead. I mean, talk about awkward, normally it’s bad enough to see your ex even before you find out that he faked his own death. Spencer asks Toby a lot of questions at first, but the conversation takes a strange turn when she starts bragging about all the *evil shite* that she has done just to see him again.

Spencer: I kidnapped a seven-year-old. I’m the reason that Aria and Ezra broke up.

Her triumphs include: trying to eliminate that pesky twerp Malcolm AND destroying Ezria’s relationship, so it’s like killing two birds with one stone. She’d be branded as a criminal in the real world, but those heroic accomplishments make her a humanitarian in my books!

Spencer: You let me believe that you were dead!?
Toby: Everything I’ve done…so I could protect you.
Spencer: I wanna believe that…
Toby: *changes topic* Let me take you somewhere SAFE.

HINT: It’s his motel room, and I’ll give you three guesses about what he plans to do with Spencer there. I’m pleased to see that Toby is up to his old tricks again, which is avoiding a confrontation with Spencer by getting her into bed as quickly as possible. After all, his powers of persuasion are more effective when there’re fewer pieces of clothing on his body!

Spencer continues whining about how *hurt* she is and how she has been living in a *world of pain* and yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. We sat through eight consecutive episodes of her angst already, and we heard it all before, so let’s speed this shit up. When are the clothes coming off? Less moaning, more grinding please!

Toby was trying very hard to cry so that he comes across as vulnerable and sensitive, which can win him brownie points with Spencer. However, he couldn’t muster up enough emotions to cry, so he actually had to SQUEEZE those tears out of his eye sockets. At one point, we see him rubbing his eyes to make them redder and puffier, I kid you not.

Atta boy, Toby! All you have to do is tear up and do a little pout. The fastest way to a woman’s heart is pretending to be a sensitive guy who’s not afraid to show his emotions, which is a technique that Toby perfected to a tee. Is that a tiny lip quiver I see him doing? What a pro!

Toby: I’M SORRY FOR GETTING TEARY-EYED, BUT I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FEELS~ ;_;
Spencer: OMG YOU POOR CHILD! COME TO MAMA AND LEMME MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER~ ;_;

Since Spencer is defenceless against those sad doe eyes, she melts into a puddle of goo and instantly forgives him for every wrongdoing in the past. It doesn’t take long before she’s straddling his lap and thrusting her tongue down his throat, so well-played Toby. *tips my hat*

THE LOVEMAKING COMMENCES! Nothing is more romantic than having sleazy sex in a dinky motel room. Go get ’em, tiger!

Unfortunately, those perverts at Pretty Little Liars force us to sit through an extended scene where Spencer and Toby make out in various positions on the bed. Usually they cut away after a few seconds, but this time we have to sit through an entire song playing very dramatically in the background. Worst of all, it’s a Lana Del Rey song and you know all of her songs go for twenty minutes long with drum interludes and monkeys howling in between the verses, so this scene was quite a long and dragggged out affair.

I’m sorry to say that their fornication scenes seemed a little…sterile? I don’t mean to criticize Toby’s technique because he seemed so sweet and very gentle; I bet he asks you if it hurts before putting it in. I suppose it’s kinda romantic that they’re stroking each other’s faces in such a delicate way…but where’s the raw animalistic passion, you guys? I thought there was gonna be some wild explosive make-up sex between them! Like, I wanna see Spencer get SMASHED by Toby as she tugs at his hair while screaming on the top of her lungs, you know what I mean!?

Speaking of sterile, we get to watch another Ezria break-up scene because there can never be too many of those. wtf u guise? I thought they already broke up last episode when she threw in the towel and declared that she couldn’t do this anymore? Oh my god, their scenes have become SO repetitive that they’re breaking up even when they aren’t together anymore! *lol*

Worst of all, they actually have a second break-up scene later in the same episode, so it’s like a vicious cycle that never ends. How many times do they have to break up before this relationship dies for good!? Just file the divorce papers already, you two!

By the way, Aria’s break-up attire is a little…erm, how do I say this in the nicest possible way, like a street corner hooker who has given up. Why would anyone choose to wear a jean jacket with a tiger’s face on the back of it? Did she buy this souvenir at the zoo? And I don’t even wanna find out where she bought those nasty ass pink leggings, but Aria should know that *wrapping paper* is used for Christmas presents and doesn’t normally go around a person’s legs.

The break-up drama stems from Ezra getting a job offer at Aria’s high school. For some reason, this d-bag suddenly decides that he doesn’t want the job anymore, even though he went through two interviews and wasted everybody’s time in the process. However, Aria’s libido is already going wild over the prospect of a scandalous classroom hook-up next season, so she insists that he must accept the job offer. After a lot of waffling back and forth, they come to the conclusion that Ezra will teach at her high school, but they will refrain from groping each other at school.

Ezria’s first break-up scene consists of Aria weeping like her cat has died while saying lulzy lines like “Nothing about us feels right anymore!” (Has it ever felt right?) and “It shouldn’t be this hard!” (That’s what she said last night.) When Ezra makes a last-ditch effort to win her over with a bold declaration of love, Aria goes like BUFAWFAWFAW ;__; as she sobs into her hands while running away from him!

Ezra: Aria, wait! Wait! I love you!
Aria: oh? kthxgoodbyeforever~

Ezria’s second break-up scene consists of Aria standing next to a window and looking at some trees. *lol* I think they wanted to create a poignant farewell (think: Aria contemplates the philosophies of love as she recites poetry to a pine tree), but the whole set-up just looks so hilariously absurd. Is there some pretty bird in the horizon? Girl, what are you looking at???

Their farewell is as dreadful as you’d expect. We hear some of the most embarrassing (“This doesn’t have to be forever!” *SADFACE*) and the most cringeworthy lines (“You’re right, there never was a happy ending for us.” *SADFACE*) What makes it worse is that you know the PLL writers had been saving these golden quotes for the season finale, yet this crap was the best material that they could come up with. -_-”

Ezra: You know, this doesn’t have to be forever. You’re graduating in seven months.
Aria: I wish I can hold onto that, but it’s too hard. I need to move on and so do you. Bye, Ezra.

Can we rewind to a few episodes ago when Aria was spewing lifelong promises about how she’s committed to Ezra forever? I guess when she said “I’ll be there for you, Ezra”, what she really meant to say was “I’ll be there *until* I lose my patience with this relationship.” As it turns out, Aria has dumped him quicker than you would throw out a bag of expired milk.

BTW, are we supposed to believe that Ezra intends to stay with Aria after she leaves high school? O.o I call bullshit. As soon as those graduation robes come off, he’ll be looking for a new fling with another piece of jailbait, I guarantee you that!

Ezra is looking for a new babysitter through an ad, proving that you can put a price tag on his relationship with Aria at ten dollars per hour. Now that they’re no longer a couple, do you think Aria will receive compensation for looking after his son in the past? I mean, obviously she’ll have to give a discount after Malcolm’s chin almost got torn off, but I think it’s within her legal rights to seek out unpaid wages from her former employer!

Hanna applies for the babysitting gig for no real reason other than the fact that it’d be amusing. While this isn’t supposed to be a super serious job interview, maybe she was being too ~*flippant*~ with some of her answers? You be the judge:

Ezra: Do you have a resume or anything?
Hanna: Honestly, I haven’t babysat since I was fifteen, but my mom is in New York and Caleb is out of town, so I’ve a lot of time to kill. And I could use the extra money!

I think Hanna just said everything that you aren’t supposed to say in a job interview. *lol* Hi, I’m Hanna! I’m completely unqualified with zero job experience, but I’m really bored and I can use more shopping money. Oh, and my boyfriend is out of town so you don’t have to worry about me sneaking guys into your apartment. ;) = YOU’RE HIRED!

Hanna: Malcolm is seven, right? What’s he into? Fast cars and fast girls?
Ezra: O_O
Hanna: O_O
Ezra: ……he’s into trains.
Hanna: Oh! Well, all aboard the Hanna Express!

OMFG EZRA, IT WAS A JOKE NOT AN INVITATION, SO WIPE THAT LECHEROUS LOOK OFF YOUR FACE! Seriously though, Ezra was drooling over Hanna and making all kinds of molester faces at her during the job interview. Let’s just say there was an uncontainable ~*raw desire*~ in his eyes. It’s making me think that Ezra x Hanna could be a real possibility next season!

All Malcolm wants to do is watch cartoons and then write funny recaps on his TV blog. However, Hanna uses her cunning mind to manipulate a seven-year-old child to do what she wants.

Malcolm: My dad said I can watch cartoons.
Hanna: Fine. But you should know that watching TV rots your brain. It’s your choice if you want to grow up to be stupid. Just sayin’.

Does Ezra know that he’s paying his babysitter to *emotionally abuse* his child with lies and name-calling? Just sayin’. Also, I am living proof that watching too much TV does indeed rot your brain. I never told anybody this, but writing these television recaps has done irreversible damage to my intellectual functionality. I’m getting dumber and dumber with every word written. :*(

Hanna wants Malcolm to identify who brought him to the carnival last episode. She shows him a series of photos on her cell phone, including pix of Aria, Mona, Cece, Melissa, Jenna…and Toby? *lmao* Okay, one of those people is unlike the others. I know Toby’s character hasn’t appeared in the past several episodes, but I don’t think enough time has passed to surmise that he has returned to the show as a woman?

Forget the kidnapper, I wanna know how Hanna obtained all those pictures on her cell phone. Keep in mind these are high-quality headshot photos where the characters are perfectly framed, smiling professionally, and staring squarely at the camera. The only explanation I can think of is that Hanna (and by Hanna, I meant the underpaid employee working on the show) broke the fourth wall and retrieved these pictures from the actors’ IMDB portfolios.

In a shocking twist, Malcolm is able to identify SPENCER as the person who kidnapped him at the carnival. This is a twist not because Spencer is revealed as A, but I am shocked that Malcolm functioned as a *useful* human being for once in his life. Up until now, I thought the kid was like a goldfish with only three seconds of recollect in his limited mental capacity, so it’s an absolutely shocking twist that there are working brain cells inside Malcolm’s head!

Under normal circumstances, it’d take these dumb bitches at least half the season before they figure out that Spencer is working for A. Luckily, the good thing about the finale is that all the storylines move forward at an accelerated pace, so the liars quickly realize their friend is one shady ass motherfucker who cannot be trusted.

Aria: I’ve already got it figured out! Spencer’s part of The A Team! Game over! Today it’s me and Ezra! Tomorrow it’ll be you and Caleb! And then it’s gonna be your turn, Emily! So get ready to say goodbye to Paige, because I promise you that A is gonna take her away from you!

LMAO~ Aria is such a bitter betty, oh my god! I love that just because her own dysfunctional relationship has fallen apart, she’s now sending negative vibrations towards the other couples and cursing her friends to suffer alongside her.

Aria: We don’t know what happened at Radley, but Spencer went in there at rock bottom and came out like a shiny new penny.
Hanna: Are you thinking shock treatment?

LOLWUT. Where did that random observation come from? Aria and Emily were having a super serious discussion about Spencer’s loyalty, and it’s like Hanna suddenly blurts out ASAPARAGUS! :D in the middle of the conversation. Even her friends look at her in stunned silence, unsure of how to respond back. Earth to Hanna Marin, please get on the same page as the rest of the pretty little liars, kthx.

To be fair, Hanna came up with the best plan that any of the pretty little liars had thought of this season, which is to TURN UP THE MUSIC before they devise a secret counterplot against A. It finally occurred to the girls that their houses are bugged and their conversations are being eavesdropped, so I’m glad they’re taking the initiative to work around these inconveniences.

Or maybe I’m giving Hanna ‘Shock Treatment’ Marin too much credit? She was probably just in the mood for some dance music and wanted to get jiggy with them groovy tunes~

The pretty little liars orchestrate a plan where one of them dresses up as Red Coat and lures Spencer into the school washroom for a confrontation. Their logic is that if Spencer follows the imposter, that means she doesn’t know who Red Coat is either, therefore she must be on their side instead of working for The A Team.

Spencer falls for the trap and follows Faux Red Coat into the washroom, presumably to spy on her while she does a little wee on the toilet. That’s when Ms. Red Coat reveals her identity to be… Hanna!?!? Can you imagine if Hanna Marin is actually the diabolical mastermind behind all the wicked schemes on the show? I admit, that would be a jaw-dropping good twist. THE DUMB BLONDE PERSONA WAS JUST AN ACT AND YOU ALL FELL FOR IT, MWHAHAHA!

BTW, do the pretty little liars have ~*exclusive VIP access*~ to the school washroom? It’s quite baffling that they hold all of their business meetings in here, and not once does some random Mary Jane abruptly walk into their conversation. What happened to all the other female students who actually have to use the washroom for its intended purpose? Or did Spencer buy the ownership rights to this washroom so that she and her friends have a convenient place in school to gossip?

During the intervention, Spencer comes clean about all the dirty work that she has been doing for Mona. Notice there’s no apology for kidnapping Malcolm or wrecking her friend’s relationship…BECAUSE SHE’S NOT SORRY. Spencer also reveals that Toby is alive, but leaves out the fact that all the dramaz for the past three or four episodes have been a meaningless ploy to fill out airtime.

Emily: Toby’s alive!?!? And you’ve seen him!?!?
Spencer: Yeah. *sheepish smile* Last night.

YEAH YEAH~ The best part is when Spencer brags to her friends about banging Toby, even though nobody asked her for that specific detail. Also, that sheepish smile on her face indicates Toby is very much alive, and she has seen him from ALL sides and angles last night. ;)

In typical Spencer fashion, she finds a way to hog credit for the plan that Aria, Emily and Hanna devised in her absence. I’m pretty sure all Spencer did was send an uncaptioned photograph to Hanna’s cell phone, but she acts like this triggers ~*THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT*~ that eventually led her friends to corner her in the school washroom.

Spencer: I’m the person who sent you that picture of me and Ali! You did exactly what I needed you to do!

YOU DID EXACTLY AS I HAD PLANNED ALL ALONG! Uh-huh, whatever you say, Billy Bullshine!

Is it safe to say that Spencer got her old swagger back? All this time, we were worried about her sanity and wondered whether she’ll ever go back to normal. As it turns out, what she simply needed was to go out and get laid. One motel romp later, all better now~~~

If you need more proof that the old Spencer is back, you’ll be pleased to know that she’s wearing one of her ~*zany*~ hats just like she did back in Season 1. It seems like she has restricted her lunacy to only her crazy hat choices from now on. Ahhh, I miss this imagery so much, seeing Spencer in a hat makes me feel like all is right in the world again. :) There’s no need to fret, because Spencer Hastings is wearing a hat, looking as cool as a cat! :)

According to Spencer, Mona has been plotting a lotta shite for the season finale, which includes a fake party where the pretty little liars are cordially invited to an evening of dinner, dancing and debauchery.

Mona: *smirks* Those bitches are finally going to get what they deserve.

Yessss, preach it sister! I hope those bitches suffer too, mwhahaha! By the way, this might possibly be my favourite line in Pretty Little Liars history? Every so often, you hear a piece of sage advice that you’ll remember for your entire life, and I’m pretty sure this quote is ~*it*~.

Elsewhere, there’s some kind of witches’ coven taking place as we see Jenna, Shana and Melissa hissing at each other like vipers. Jenna and Melissa are particularly concerned about dem nudie tapes floating around, so they plan on crashing Mona’s party and *whisper whisper whisper* and of course the audio gets cut out during the most important parts.

Jenna: You don’t understand, they have the tapes in that kit…
Melissa: No, I do understand. But those bitches are gonna be at the lodge at nine, do you understand!?!?

I love that it has become common practice to refer to the pretty little liars as ‘those bitches’. These characters do it even more often than I do in my recaps. *lol*

P.S. THE PARTY STARTS AT EIGHT, MELISSA! TIMEKEEPING FAIL!!!

And can I just say? BEST. ALLIANCE. EVER. In one corner, we have the queen bitch, Melissa Hastings. In the other corner, we have the devil’s mistress, Jenna Marshall. And I think Shana was there as the referee or those ringside girls who hold up the cards before a boxing match.

Anyway, seeing them put their deadly forces together is like all my dreams coming true at once, omg. I don’t even care what they’re plotting, I will pay good money to have front row seats to watch this epic clash of the titans! Currently, here’s where the dynamics stand: it’s the Pretty Little Liars versus The A Team versus The B Team (what the B stands for is self-explanatory). I’m creaming myself with giddy anticipation as these two evil superforces go against each other in an epic feud of the ages. Meanwhile, the liars will be caught helplessly in the crossfires as usual. *lol*

We find out The B Team rescued Detective Wilden from Mama Marin’s mad car rampage. There’s unseen surveillance footage of Jenna and Shana transporting his lifeless corpse away from the scene of the crime, most likely to perform off-screen ~*witch voodoo*~ to bring him back to life. Now we know how Detective Wilden is alive again, there was definitely some witchcraft, blood sacrifice, and the dark arts involved in his resuscitation!

I don’t know what relationship Jenna and Shana have, but there’s a scene where Jenna holds her hands inside of Shana’s hands which sends the PLL fandom into a tizzy. Everyone declares that Jenna and Shana are LESBIAN LIFE PARTNERS, which I’m happy to advocate and also fan the fire to these speculation theories. Since Jenna already exhausted the list of available men on the show, please start lezzzing it up and put her grubby little paws on as many lady bits as she likes. ;D

On a more serious note, Jenna’s eyesight is getting worse and the doctor told her that she’ll eventually go blind again. Of course, this is the same girl who has a reputation of faking her blindness for no reason at all, so I’m not falling for that shit again. I won’t believe she’s blind unless I actually see Mona gouge her eyes out with her claws!

Shana continues to flirt with every girl in sight, including Jenna, Emily, and even a little bit of Spencer. Correction: She’ll flirt with everybody unless your name is Hanna, in which case please take your peroxide stank as far away as possible.

Hanna: I hate herrrr~
Spencer: Um, why?
Hanna: Because she flirts with everyone but meeee~

It really chaps Hanna’s ass that a lesbian would have standards and not fawn over her with uncontrollable sexual desire, no? To be fair, Shana was behaving like such a RUDE BITCH because she completely shunned Hanna out of a conversation even though she was standing right in front of her. I mean, it doesn’t get any clearer who Shana thinks is the ‘ugly friend’ of the group!

The rest of the finale is basically a series of ridiculous events happening one after the other.

Let’s begin with the fact that Red Coat arrives on a MOTHERFUCKING PLANE in the middle of the night. I’m talking about her flying a private plane (!?) and then landing that damn thing in a runway (!?!?) in the middle of nowhere. Like, what the fuck was that all about!? Can Pretty Little Liars get any more absurd? How’ll they top this entrance in the next season finale? Will Red Coat arrive by a parachute? By paragliding? By summoning a UFO spaceship?

Mona is stressing out over Red Coat’s arrival and insists that EVERYFING MUST GO ACCORDING TO PLAN, which of course means she jinxes it. Once again, the bitch chokes under pressure and whatever ~*ambiguously evil scheme*~ that she planned for the party ends up failing hard.

Why is it that Mona pulls off these godlike feats for the entire season, yet her competence drops by fifty levels come finale time? Gurrrl, get ur shit together~ -_-”

Amazingly, Mona doesn’t catch onto the fact that Spencer & Toby are in cahoots with each other. It should have been obvious since they’ve become joined at the hip like some inseparable lipsucking entity ever since they were reunited together.

Mona: *asks a question*
Spoby: *slobbers over each other instead of answering u*

We do get a hilariously hammy piece of acting when Spencer acts OMG LYKE I’M SO SHOCKED when Toby supposedly betrays her. LYKE OMG TOBY I BELIEVED U. LIKE OMG U WONT GET AWAY WIV THIS. I mean, how on earth did Mona not realize she’s being double crossed when Spoby’s theatrics match the acting abilities of a third-grade drama production?

Toby goes on a secret mission to spy on Red Coat’s arrival, except he takes three steps into the woods before somebody knocks out his useless ass. *lolfail* Unfortunately, he doesn’t die from severe head trauma on the spot, but we already know that a meteoroid can fall on Toby and PLL would still find a way to keep their golden boy alive. Imagine how hilarious it’d be if they brought Toby back to life only to kill him again in the same episode? What a missed opportunity lolz.

Whoever smacked Toby in the head (aka. my hero) also threw a lighter at his unconscious body. Just so you know, this lighter contains zero plot significance except it’s a way for PLL to shoehorn yet another Alfred Hitchcock reference into the season finale. This time, there’s some compass symbol referring to the movie North By Northwest, oooh. *acts amazed*

At this point, are they even paying homage to the Hitchcock movies anymore? Or are they just throwing in these random ass references without any meaningful context? I seriously have my doubts~

Since this season finale couldn’t get any more ~*ridonkculous*~, somebody sets the cabin on fire while Mona and the pretty little liars are trapped inside. We don’t find out who the aspiring arsonist is, but I’m guessing it’s one of the disgruntled PLL viewers who finally had enough with this bullshit show and decides to torch up the entire production in a BLAZE OF GLORRRRRY.

This brings us to my favourite exchange in the PLL season finale:

Emily: *calls for help* Mona, try your phone!
Mona: *checks* Nothing!
Aria: How can you not have a signal!? We saw you make a call!
Mona: It’s her! Don’t you get it!? She can do anything! She’s everywhere and she’s nowhere!

LMAO. Apparently, one of Red Coat’s superpowers is that she can bring down an entire mobile phone network with the snap of a finger. Not only is she a formidable force to the pretty little liars, but she also has the cell phone providers like Sprint and AT&T at her mercy, begging her not to shut down their businesses with her evil omnipresent powerz.

The pretty little liars quickly realize that they’re trapped inside a burning building with no way out. Suddenly, Mona decides that being surrounded by a ring of fire is the best time and place to have an ~*existential crisis*~, as she reveals that she doesn’t know Red Coat’s real identity either!

Mona: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA BURN!!! I AM NEVER GONNA KNOW WHO SHE WAS!!! RED COAT, I DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS EITHER!?!?!?

Is this bitch for real? You mean to tell me that Mona has been plotting evilz for the past three seasons, yet she didn’t have an effing clue who she was working for this entire time!? BLOODY HELL. You fail, Mona Vanderwaal! You fail HARD! O_O

BURRRRN BABY BURRRRN! *pours more gasoline everywhere* LET THESE BITCHES BURRRRRN!

Ahem, sorry, I was getting ahead of myself there. The pretty little liars were about to die in the burning building, but Red Coat pulls out their fried corpses to safety just in time. The most amazing part is that she manages to save their lives while wearing her five-inch heels. WHAT A BADASS. You try running around in those platforms, honey. I assure you it’s harder than competing in the Olympics.

When Hanna regains consciousness, she sees a brief glimpse of Alison’s face, which means ZOMG SHE’S RED COAT or whatever. It wasn’t really that surprising since they’ve been building up to this moment for the entire season. For the record, I think it’s TOTAL BULLSHIT that Alison is still alive which completely undermines the premise and foundation of the show, but I guess my opinion doesn’t matter much. D:

According to Mona, she was never able to verify Red Coat’s identity because the bitch wore a mask all the time. Yet, strangely enough, Alison takes off her mask in this instance just so they can make a *big reveal* during the season finale. Of course, the one time that it makes sense for Red Coat to wear a mask while she’s inside a burning building, she decides not to wear one. lolkay~

There were a lot of plot holes in the season finale, but perhaps the most illogical part is how Spencer didn’t have an effing clue there was a fucking burning building right behind her. GIRL R U BLIND??? I mean, you’d have to be pretty dense not to notice the forest fire happening all around you. In fact, I thought Spencer was supposed to be on the lookout for suspicious activity in the woods, or at least she was supposed to keep an eye out for Red Coat, which makes it funnier because she’s so totally oblivious to her surroundings.

All I can say is THANK GOD the pretty little liars weren’t relying on Spencer to save their asses from the fire, they’d all be crisps and ashes by the time Spencer finally arrived onto the scene!

Afterwards, the pretty little liars sit down for a calm and rational panel discussion about whether Alison is Red Coat or not. Oh, never mind there’s a BURNING CABIN five feet away from you, there’s no hurry to call the emergency dispatch or grab the fire distinguisher to put out the flames. Let’s just sit here, have a nice chat, and not move from our spots until we come to a unanimous decision about Red Coat’s identity.

Actually, I’m not sure if the pretty little liars ever called the fire department? In the next scene, we see them driving away with Mona in tow, so the whole forest could have fucking burned down for all we know. Thanks for leaving Toby behind and not questioning his whereabouts, by the way. After all the trouble that Spencer went through to bring him back, she doesn’t give two shits about what happened to him in that fire. Girls, I know the car is crammed with five passengers, but they could have at least stuffed his unconscious body in the trunk, good grief!

At the end of the episode, the girls discover Detective Wilden’s police car which was somehow pulled out of the lake. I don’t even wanna think about how this is possible because the logistics hurt my head. But just to prove how ridiculous Pretty Little Liars can be, even the damn car came back to life in the season finale. EVEN THE FUCKING CAR CAN’T STAY DEAD ARRRRGH!!!!

Afterwards, the girls open the trunk of the car to discover A VERY SHOCKING CLIFFHANGER ENDING ZOMG. *mouths agape everywhere*

Well, that’s pretty much it for the Season 3 finale of Pretty Little Liars! What a fucking ridiculous show and the best (worst?) part is that I wouldn’t change a damn thing about it.

Thanks for joining me over the past twenty four episodes of PLL recaps. I don’t know how anybody can put up with me spewing so much meaningless crap about this show, but I’m glad someone is here to read it. I can’t believe I’m ALREADY behind schedule with the Season 4 recaps, but I will get started on that right away. I guess this is goodbye until the next episode recap~ Kisses – Recap Everything

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31 Responses

  1. Default avatar ANoelle June 18th, 2013 / Tuesday

    I can’t tell you how much I hate how they just randomly threw Shana in the story. Especially her whole thing with Jenna because she OBVIOUSLY met someone who was white at the park. DAFUQ

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 18th, 2013 / Tuesday

      Not surprising considering they can’t even keep the ethnicity of Malcolm’s child actor consistent over a few episodes. Shana will probably be a different race in the next season finale… UNLESS she has a ~*TWIN SISTER*~ from a different mother? :O

  2. Default avatar Alex June 18th, 2013 / Tuesday

    This finale was all kinds of ridiculous. Thankfully, the season 4 premiere was actually sorta kinda decent, although that means the next batch of episodes are gonna suck again. But I swear, you and I have the same mind while watching this show. You touched on ALL the points that made me shake my head and mutter, “This show.”

    I really hope Toby & Mona are both lying, about him being good and her not knowing who Red Coat is. I don’t care HOW friggen ridiculous this show is, there is zero way, I repeat ZERO, that anybody would be allowed to enter a mental hospital while wearing a mask. It was even stated in the Halloween episode that Radley doesn’t like Halloween because of all the masks. And we saw that Mona knew Red Coat and was following her orders way back in the season 2 finale, so I just call bullshit on everything she says from now on, as if I didn’t before. Same with Toby. The show has made references to A having pretty eyes since way back in season 1, so for him to say he’s only been with Mona for a little while is just bad. And if he was good, what was with all the “evil” (lol) smirks behind Spencer’s back? Aye yai yai.

    Not that it really matters, but the scene of Aria & Ezra in front of the window was a recreation of a scene between them from the pilot episode.

    All the headshots on the phone had me dying. Same with, “SHE’S EVERYWHERE AND SHE’S NOWHERE!”

    I’m thoroughly pissed that Shana was brought in at the last minute to be Jenna’s new thang, especially when (as ANoelle stated above) in the season 2 finale, the person she was meeting was very obviously white. Further proof that the writers are clueless.

    And as for Spencer, I love how she accomplished in half of an episode what Mona had been trying for seasons now, with regards to Ezria breaking up. And her HAT!!!! I cheered when the hat appeared on her head. Amen to that.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 19th, 2013 / Wednesday

      I know what you mean about the premiere. I had such a surprised reaction after I first watched it: “this was actually a decent episode? :O”

      I really hope Toby is secretly evil because it made his character infinitely more exciting, but sadly I don’t think they’ll go down that road with him again. As for Mona, she opens her mouth and a hundred lies come pouring out, so I won’t be surprised that she was lying about Red Coat. I mean, that lie is right up there with Jenna being blind out of self-defense (lolwut) and Melissa putting on a Black Swan outfit bc she was blackmailed (lolwut). Mona not knowing Red Coat’s identity just smells of TOTAL BULLSHIT.

      SHE’S EVERYWHERE & SHE’S NOWHERE! Amazing. I thought Mona was talking about Marlene King = Red Coat for a second there.

      I love Spencer has been the most destructive force to Ezria out of everybody on the show lolz. And thank god for her crazy hat collection. SPENCER IS BACK!!!

  3. Default avatar DarkAngel June 18th, 2013 / Tuesday

    What I love is Alison not only wears a mask, she wears a mask of her own face. I want Alison to be alive because I want to meet that bitch for realz!

    As for Spoby, there’s only so much you can do having sex with a block of wood. You don’t want to get splinters.

    So first Toby pretends to hate Spencer because he loves her, then after that he pretends he’s evil and fakes his death driving her to the loony bin all to protect to her (which he did a horrible job of) What a great catch that guy is anyone would lucky to have him.

    No one has to watch the Ezzzzaria scenes, it’s the same crap we see every scene they share. And how sad is it that Malcolm is more involved in the main plot than Ezra’s been in 3 seasons.

    The B Team is where it’s at! Jenna and Melissa and their referee so they don’t accidentally kill each other while plotting to get rid of those bitches.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 19th, 2013 / Wednesday

      I want Alison alive, and I also want to validate the existence of all sixteen of her twin sisters and all sixty four of her identical clones, which needs to be revealed in the next season finale.

      lol Toby doesn’t seem like a very exciting lay. :( Spencer is definitely the one taking charge in the bedroom too.

      I honestly don’t know how Spencer can forget all the anguish that her evil boyfriend has put her through, but I see that the show has already waved their magic wand and make her forget all the evil terrible things that he did to Spencer and her friends. She reminds me of a domestic abuse victim who doesn’t know when to call it quits.

      Ezzzzzzzria. Enough said.

      The B Team is seriously the team I’m rooting for most right now. Melissa and Jenna are like two feuding lords who have formed a coalition to take out a greater evil. I can’t wait to see who the rest of their recruits are. (Shana = referee, Noel = cheerleader, Darren = scapegoat)

    • Default avatar DarkAngel June 19th, 2013 / Wednesday

      Can’t wait for your season 4 recaps! This show keeps getting even more insane every ep. When it ends we’ll all need to institutionalized at Radley.

  4. Default avatar Angela June 19th, 2013 / Wednesday

    The finale was ridiculous for several reasons. First off, I agree with everyone else, who the hell is Shauna, like where did she even come from? And the writer’s are totally cheating us out. How could we possibly guess Jenna was meeting up with Shauna in the second season finale when she didn’t even exist in the show back then -_-. The whole toby being evil thing always kind of bugged me. K either make him evil and go with it or keep him the one normal person on the show! I personally think they should have made paige evil, and make her the one who met up with jenna. At least it would have made more sense. I honestly think people who watch the show come up with better scenarios than the people who run the show. Btw hey are making a season 5..lets see how ridiculous their shenanigans become. Btw great recap, always keeping it entertaining.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 19th, 2013 / Wednesday

      I love how you phrased that. Who the hell is Shana and where from middle earth did this creature crawl out from!? *lol* I am still largely indifferent to her character though, so her presence doesn’t offend me that much.

      Paige has All the makings to be an evil psychotic bitch already, so I am so shocked that they didn’t take her character down that route? I love me some Psycho Paige, but I feel like they aren’t utilizing her character that much, so forging that connection between her and Jenna would have been really juicy to watch.

      They should really let the PLL viewers take charge of the storylines from now on, seriously.

  5. Default avatar PLLFan June 20th, 2013 / Thursday

    I’ve become addicted to your recaps! Love them, love them… more, more, more! (although you may want to consider changing the blog title to “Recap Some Shows When I Feel Like it” haha).

    I, for one, thinks that PLL stands for Pedophiles, Lesbians and Lockpickers. I just can’t believe they have this many of each in one small town!

    And I also think the girls could completely shut A down by just opening a curtain shop. I’m amazed at each episode how everyone just has their windows uncovered so you can see into everyone’s house and know their business. No wonder that an NAT club came into being. “Hey, dude, since no one owns curtains in this town, why don’t we start video-taping all these open windows and see what we can see?” ;D

    I have to admit that I have more “What is she wearing?” guffaws at Hanna’s jackets than even Aria’s crazy leggings. She dresses more like a color-blind school marm than an in-style teenager. Those hideous colors that are not of this planet just kill me. At least Aria is a winter and is mostly sporting black, red, white, etc. Poor Hannah is a Summer and gets stuck with colors like fruit-rotting-in-the-sun-green or who-puked-up-a-banana-yellow. Ugh!

    I’m surprised you never mention how Mama Montgomery is always tilting her head! We start laughing every time she does it! *facetilt*

    More recaps! Please, please, please!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 21st, 2013 / Friday

      The new blog name should be aptly changed to Recap Something or Recap Only One Thing. *lol* I wanna start recapping other TV shows too~~~

      My PLL acronym stands for Perverts, Lolitas and Lesbos. If you aren’t any of the three, please gtfo of Rosewood.

      The problem is that they do have curtains in their homes, but nobody knows how to *use* them. I don’t have high hopes for the liars, they only just figured out their conversations are being bugged, so who knows how long it’ll take before they realize they’re being watched too.

      I have no idea what’s going on with Hanna’s wardrobe anymore. She’s just as bad as Aria if not worse. It’s like the two of them are competing against each other to see who can be more outrageously dressed.

      I love the Mama Montgomery face. That woman knows how to give good face, no matter which degree of angle she positions herself as.

  6. Default avatar Anonymous June 20th, 2013 / Thursday

    I think it’s safe to say that ever since season 3 and with the beginning of season 4, I like Mona better than ANY of the four liars. Best character on that show by far. I mean, she took down Spencer HASTINGS, and was cool as a cucumber throughout. And she was even more flawless in the premiere: “Oh, Emily I borrowed your car! … yeah I have my own set” WHAT?! Mona Vanderwall, your new official name is Mona Vanderjesus. K? Cool. Good talk.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 21st, 2013 / Friday

      I agree, Mona has been the MVP for quite a while now. Her scenes with Spencer have been absoultely cackling stuff. She has come a long way since that annoying bimbo character introduced in Season 1. “Those bitches are finally gonna get what they deserve” is seriously my favourite quote ever.

  7. Default avatar Hoc June 22nd, 2013 / Saturday

    Come on, what show have you been watching?. Alison being alive was a posibility since day 1. Of course its ridiculous but at this point its the only thing that can make this show exciting again.
    P.D. Yes, Shana is a totally random bitch who nobody gives a shit about and i can’t wait to read about the tiresome Aria drama that its starting whit the new LI in season 4.

  8. Default avatar Nina June 28th, 2013 / Friday

    I love how Toby only admitted to working for Mona just to help the girls…ya Toby you did such a fabulous job they’ve been protected by your angelic glow ever since -_-

  9. Default avatar erick June 29th, 2013 / Saturday

    Haha I love your recaps. And finally someone notices how every time Aria walks into a room she demands her usual MEMEMEME attention. I used to love Ezria then Spoby happened and I jumped on that ship and I will go down with that ship. BTW I was rewatching the episode where Malcom falls off the bed and omg he’s so fucking stupid and annoying he just pisses me off. Can’t wait to see your take on the Season 4 episodes so far

  10. Default avatar PLLFan July 4th, 2013 / Thursday

    Yeah, where are those recaps for Season 4? I am just loving how everyone seems to have this confession that they are trying to protect Spencer! She must have Hell and the Devil himself after her with all the protecting everyone seems to think she needs!

    (Red Coat to Devil Season 4 finale: “I did everything you asked me to do.”)

  11. Default avatar Anonymous August 2nd, 2013 / Friday

    I was rolling my eyes when toby said he was A to protect spencer. they completely ruined the biggest plot twist on this show

  12. Default avatar new ArrivAl August 14th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Your recaps has become my favorite (secret) past time, since I politely sit through each episode with my teen daughter. Quality mom/daughter time, you know. Like telling her how NOT to act, or dress. Or think. We actually go into stores like Hot Topic and point out Aria, or Hanna, or Emily. Have to go to Penney’s or something to find Spencer.

    I sit here and laugh until it hurts. The convoluted plot only is bested by the shear idiotic dumbness of the characters. I mean, is anyone REALLY that dumb?

    ASPARAGUS!!!!

    I love three things about the show, though. Mona, Spencer all cray-cray, and Melissa, (which explains Spencer). Evil, Smart but conniving enough to be Evil, and Pure Evil.

    And I have to laugh that the “Loser Mona” was all just an act from the start. She didn’t look like a loser at Noel’s party when she first met Jenna…

  13. Default avatar rebekah August 19th, 2013 / Monday

    where are the season 4 recaps?!

  14. Default avatar DarkAngel August 21st, 2013 / Wednesday

    Are we getting season 4 recaps? This shit has gotten even more ridiculous, I need your recaps or I might need to check myself into Radley!

  15. Default avatar Am I about to say what everyone else is thinking.... August 21st, 2013 / Wednesday

    I’m confused…..are you just not recapping anymore? If so, you should prob take your site down. I get it, people are busy and I’m sure you have a life and responsibilities and a job, but for the fans of your site who visit weekly or even daily, can you at least show some consideration and give us an answer, or reason as to why you been silent for 3 months? I’ve been resorting to reading betcheslovethis.com recaps, which are posted the following day. They’re funny, but very short and not as good as yours. They don’t understand the beauty of the details like you. Oh how I miss the days of reading your recaps on my lunch break, wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. And ignoring the eye rolls from the people around me who were annoyed by my cackling. As a fan of your site, who has referred several PLL fans to read your recaps, I’m speaking on behalf of a lot of people when I say: don’t we deserve a little more than what your giving, which is nothing? Sorry if this is coming off rude, but think of it as tough love. Get your shit together, and come back to us!

    • Default avatar You Said It All. August 23rd, 2013 / Friday

      ^This. It’s very annoying being kept waiting for months on end, for a new recap. You should probably take the site down or hire someone to continue recaps if this is going to be a regular thing. Especially since we’re not getting an explanation for your absence.

  16. Default avatar YIKES August 27th, 2013 / Tuesday

    I want the season 4 recaps as much as the next girl but I understand that you have a life or you might be going through something personal?? woajhhh

  17. Default avatar Hello? Anyone out there recapping? August 28th, 2013 / Wednesday

    What the frig?! I mean, really though? Still nothing? I can forgive not finishing other show’s recaps, like Once Upon A Time and True Blood, but I thought PLL was your baby. What is the deal? Do you not care about your fan base? This seems like a petty thing to complain about. I know, woe is me, right? I can’t read weekly funny recaps of an abc family show when I’m 28 years old and should prob find better things to do with my time. But I enjoy reading this blog dammit, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Is there anyone out there listening? Anyone with me? Fuck

  18. Default avatar Alex August 28th, 2013 / Wednesday

    I agree that I miss these recaps soooooo much, but we don’t know any of the circumstances, and the recapper DOES have a life and career, so I understand not being able to commit to this site fully. I just hope that everything is okay with her and that she’s happy and healthy :) I’ll continue to check regularly for them but till then I say just take it easy, people.

  19. Default avatar Katie August 29th, 2013 / Thursday

    Hey,
    Just saying, I check your recaps all the time to see if new ones are up. Hope everythings okay. First thing I thought of after last night’s ReveAl was how great that recap will be when you get to it:)

  20. Default avatar rebekah August 29th, 2013 / Thursday

    Like everyone else I can’t wait for the recaps, but I know you have a life and everything as well! Don’t think we’re nagging you and I’m sorry if this is annoying but I actually just genuinely want to know now if you’re okay? Like even just post something on twitter, we totally understand if you’re rurally busy right now but it’s just weird that we haven’t heard anything from you at all in months

  21. Default avatar Anonymous October 31st, 2014 / Friday

    I love Toby and Spoby is my favorite couple but are just going to forget all the A stuff he did?

    • Default avatar I'm toed June 16th, 2016 / Thursday

      I love them too
      They are my #1 ship

    • Default avatar I'm Tired June 16th, 2016 / Thursday

      I love them too
      They are my #1 ship

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