Season 3 Episode 23, Pretty Little Liars Recap, I’m Your Puppet

Ezra’s son gets kidnapped; Hanna’s boyfriend’s father is accused of theft; Dr. Wren is a legit creeper; Spencer puts on her hoodie and joins The A Team!

Let’s begin this recap with my favourite part about Pretty Little Liars, which is keeping track of Veronica Hastings’ ever changing hairstyle on the show. Yep, it’s another one! In case you lost count, we’re currently at Hairdo #6 as part of her ongoing journey around the hair salon. You’ll be glad to know that Veronica didn’t have the time to visit her daughter after she got chucked into the mental asylum, but she did make room in her busy schedule to get a feisty new haircut. I’m starting to think that her “business trips” consist of plopping her butt on a comfy chair while Jean-Luc the Gay Hairdresser puts a slab of conditioner in her hair.

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Veronica showed up with a braided ponytail or an afro in Season 4. Watching her hair metamorphosis is a fascinating study of human evolution and I hope it continues FOREVER.

Unfortunately, these hairstyles have been the most exciting thing to happen to Spencer’s mother in the past three seasons. It’s kind of a shame that Veronica’s character is a bit dour and drab, right? Like, the actress clearly has HBIC written all over her, but that potential hasn’t been explored at all.

C’mon, just look at this fierce bitch in the picture. Her makeover is fabulous. I’m loving those curls in her hair paired with that sassy red blouse. What I’m getting from her appearance is a distinct vibe of *strong independent woman who may have a few machine guns stashed in the trunk of her car*, yet her actual personality is disappointingly mild-mannered. I’d like Pretty Little Liars to give Veronica’s character more sass and pizazz next season, because I know she’s capable of handling the material!

In this episode, Spencer’s mother urges her daughter to stop being an insane nutter and return home. She also encourages Spencer to put on a different outfit so that she wouldn’t be the girl on the worst dressed list amongst the asylum inmates. Unfortunately, Mama Hastings commits the cardinal sin of offering her clothes that were previously worn in another episode, which evokes quite a negative reaction out of Spencer.

Veronica: Why don’t you wear this shirt, dear?
Spencer: RRRRROARRRRR!!! I AM NOT READY FOR THIS SHIRT!!! *godzilla hand smack*

Oh my god!!! How dare you, Veronica Hastings!? What kind of production do you think Pretty Little Liars is running here!? This isn’t some cheap ass CW show where the actresses can only afford four different sets of outfits before they have to recycle their wardrobe choices. HOW PRIMITIVE. Don’t you know the clothes on this show, much like condoms, are non-reusable!? You wear them once, you throw them out!

Besides, who would wanna be seen in the same article of clothing twice!? *shudders* Not these PLL divas, that’s for sure!

Veronica: Gurrrl, tell me what’s going on with your life! I wanna be relevant to the plot too! :o)
Spencer: MOTHER…YOU…MUSTN’T…KNOW. *dramatic forlorn look*

Isn’t it sad when Dr. Sullivan knows more about Spencer’s troubles than Mama Hastings does? Maybe Veronica should stop spending time in the hair salon and start looking after her daughter more.

Veronica: The last time I saw someone in this state, clinging to a secret this hard, it was Alison. A few weeks later, she was DEAD.

This line cracks me up because it was so melodramatic omg. Alison wouldn’t tell me her secret either, and then the bitch DIED!!! ;O btw lemme make this inconspicuous reference about Alison so that we can trigger this never-before-seen flashback about her! *cues flashback*

During the flashback, we see Alison suddenly BLEEDING and CRYING and EMOTING all over the place, which leaves me very conflicted because I’m not used to seeing her character so…vulnerable? I suspect the pregnancy hormones must have filled the dark void that used to be Alison’s soul, and as a result some positive human qualities must have seeped in by accident.

Spencer’s mom was also engaged in some major OOC behaviour when she showed her mama bear instincts and gave Alison a big comforting hug. This officially marks the first time that her character has displayed any signs of maternal warmth on the show…and ironically, it doesn’t even involve her own daughters!

Veronica: Gurrrl, tell me what’s going on with your life! I wanna be relevant to the plot too! :o)
Alison: MRS. HASTINGS…YOU…MUSTN’T…KNOW. *dramatic forlorn look*

Alison wouldn’t tell us what really happened to her face, but her loltastic lie is that she “scratched herself” against a tree branch on her way home or summat. That must have been some low-hanging tree branch, good grief. Why don’t we cut through the bullshit and admit what actually happened? Which one of you PLL viewers punched Alison in the face!? WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT!?

Amazingly enough, Spencer passed her psych evaluation in spite of the insurmountable evidence that she is indeed a whole box of fruit loops and then some.

1.) Last time we saw Spencer, she was crying and blubbering about how fooking insane she is, so I can’t imagine why anyone would deem her *mentally stable* enough to release her back into society? Oh wait, we’re talking about Dr. Sullivan here, that’s why. Let’s be honest, she probably tossed a coin to reach this medical verdict.

2.) At least Spencer passed another evaluation with flying colours, even if it is a psych evaluation. She should totally add these test results to her college application, why not? :o)

Although Spencer is scheduled for release, she has gotten quite comfortable at Radley and expressed no willingness to leave behind her new home. The asylum provides free food, free room service, a variety of basic amenities, a kickass recreation facility, and an adorable manservant who will cater to her every need. Living at this nuthouse is almost as luxurious as going to the day spa. No wonder Spencer never wants to leave this luxurious five-star sanatorium, who would???

The other reason for Spencer to stay: Eddie, or more specifically the lower half of Eddie’s body in those finely ironed white pants.

At the risk of sounding too lewd (altho when has that ever stopped me?), I can’t be the only one who noticed that his crotch was *always* in our faces, right? Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, there was Eddie doing the pelvic thrust in front of the camera. This happened throughout the episode and it was rather distracting, to say the least. Dude, you aren’t working in the meat section at the supermarket, so put your pork and sausage rolls away!

1.) I’m sorry that Eddie’s crotch is inadvertently the focal point of every screenshot, but for some reason it always seems to meet at Spencer’s eye level. IT’S MY JOB TO NOTICE THESE THINGS, OKAY???

2.) Eddie, is that a name badge in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Spencer? ;O

3.) Now I know why they call it the NUThouse~ Plenty of nuts where Eddie came from, uh-huh. ;O

4.) It doesn’t help that Eddie hangs a set of his keys right near his fly, so it’s almost like he wants to draw attention to his crotch. Let’s just say those keys aren’t the only dangling bits around that area. ;O

The best part about Eddie is seeing how much he HATES Wren with a fiery passion. You can understand where the hostility comes from though. Eddie used to be in the Navy, but now he’s being supervised by some rich bastard who had a silver spoon in his mouth since birth. Wouldn’t you hate him too if this young little pipsqueak, all dressed up in his stupid tie and suit combo, was barking out orders at you in that annoying posh accent of his?

Wren: Hi, I’m Dr. Wren! Look at me and my adorable tailored jacket! I got me a fancy medical license so I call myself a doctor! Oh, and I’m also YOUR BOSS.
Eddie: *seething with rage*

Wren and Spencer exchange a few words with each other, but there’s nothing too exciting to report. I think they were talking about board games or summat, but oh who gives a shit. It’s not like we are watching these scenes for the *dialogue* anyway.

At the end of their little chat, Wren gives Spencer an intimate shoulder squeeze on his way out of the room. Does Dr. Kingston get this touchy-feely with all of his patients, or just the young pretty teenage ones?

In this episode, Hanna moved in with Emily since her mom is away on a business trip. Let’s make it clear that the Fields family has graciously welcomed Hanna as a guest in their home. You’d think Hanna will be on her best behaviour living under somebody else’s roof, but that girl must have thought she was staying at a ~*hotel*~ where the chambermaids will clean her sheets, prepare her meals, and clean up after her mess. Poor Emily’s bedroom was a complete disaster after Hurricane Hanna claimed its wreckage!

BTW, do you remember when Emily lived with the Marin family last season? Let’s compared how the girls behaved in each other’s homes:

EMILY: *wants to make a good first impression so I’ll cook breakfast and fold these napkins into beautiful swans*

HANNA: “Oh, my napkin fell on the floor?” *rings bell* “Servant, pick it up!”

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…do you hear it? What’s that noise, you ask? IT IS THE DEATH CLOCK OF THE HALEB RELATIONSHIP, SUCKAS~~~

I’m sure most of you heard by now that Tyler Blackburn has been deported to the PLL spin-off Ravenswood, which means his days on the show are officially numbered. Is it too early to start a countdown until the episode where Hanna and Caleb are forcibly driven apart by plot contrivances? I can’t imagine them sustaining a long-distance relationship between the two shows (altho that would be kinda epic), so it’s only a matter of time before they break up and there are ugly tears everywhere, mwhahaha.

Let’s look at the IMDB cast of nobodies for that Ravenswood show. Which one of these lovely ladies will be the REPLACEMENT for Hanna in Caleb’s heart? I’m giving him around 20 minutes into the pilot before he already falls in love with one of these girls and forgets Hanna’s existence entirely.

What I definitely won’t miss about Haleb are these lovey-dovey scenes with cutesy dialogue and nauseating public displays of affection. Ugh, no thank you. Mama Montgomery must feel the same way as I do, because she sees the two of them kissing at school and…well, her FACE OF JUDGMENT says it all.

Mama Montgomery tells Hanna that she is in the church’s committee of people who like to say they are part of committees, and they decided to fire Jamie Doyle because he’s a filthy crook who stole from the church. What happened was somebody discovered a counterfeit bell in the church tower, and the forensic DNA test results (not rly) show that Jamie definitely did it!

If that sounds like a load of rubbish, that’s because it is. I haven’t seen this many townspeople jump on an inconclusive bandwagon so rapidly since Harold the Janitor got blamed for setting Meredith on fire. Here in Rosewood, these assholes will NOT give anybody the benefit of the doubt. How about obtaining some evidence before you start making the accusations, eh?

I know most of us are struggling to give a damn about Hanna’s boyfriend’s uncle (or was Jamie his father, I forget?), so they needed to have compelling drama to keep the viewers invested in the storyline, but sadly this whole counterfeit bell plot isn’t the way to go about it. OHNOES SUM1 STOLE THE REAL BELL FROM THE CHURCH! NOOO, HOW COULD THEY, NOT THE BELL!!! Puh-lease. If he stole a missing cheque containing the donation money for children dying of terminal diseases, then the stakes may seem more amped up, but a frigging bell? Really!? Is that the best you can do, PLL writers!?

Besides, if I was a criminal and I had to steal from the church, I don’t think the bronze bell in the church tower is really a must-have for me. What the fuck are you gonna do with a stolen church bell anyway? Sell it on eBay? Hang it in your house as an ornament? I mean, its utility value is rather limited, no?

Hanna feels morose since she discovered the truth about her future father-in-law, and Caleb definitely noticed a change in her behaviour.

Hanna: I don’t know what to say, Caleb…
Caleb: Since when!? Hanna, you have an opinion on everything. From Honey Boo Boo’s haircut to the weird look that lunch lady gave you when you asked for butter on your corn.

Why were these pivotal scenes cut out from the show? I need to know about Hanna’s stance on Honey Boo Boo. Also, that snooty lunch lady sounds like a NASTY PIECE OF WORK. Save your dirty looks for the kitchen and just butter this woman’s corn without judgment, bitch!!!

To make matters worse, Jamie is laying the guilt trip extra thick on Hanna because he’s ~*thankful*~ for all the good that she has done in his life. This girl has singlehandedly reunite him with his long lost son, plus she found him a steady source of employment. Even Oprah is only capable of handling one miracle at a time, so Hanna has truly transcended godlike abilities in her generosity.

Jamie gives Hanna a fancy necklace of an angel to thank her for all her good deeds. Okay, is it just me or does this necklace seem too intimate of a gift!? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was trying to hit on Hanna! I can’t think of an appropriate present that a grown ass man should give to a teenage girl, maybe a scarf or a chocolate bar or something, but the necklace seems a little much, no? It’s the kind of present you’d give a girl to woo her to get into bed with you.

By the way, who finds it really strange that Caleb’s dad is the one giving jewellery to his girlfriend in his relationship? C’mon Caleb, you gonna let your old man show you up like that? Better pick up your game, playa~

Hilariously enough, Hanna is STILL banging on about that fucking dollar bill Jamie stole from the church donation box ages ago. It’s funny because she acts like this is the biggest scandal of the century, even though you’d be able to find more money at the bottom of a wishing well than inside the donation box of a church. Actually, I’m glad Jamie aimed his sights higher and chose to steal the bronze bell instead, which is worth $8000 in monetary value. Can you imagine how many donation boxes that he’d have to steal in order to make that same amount of money?

P.S. And honestly, Hanna? Your own mother stole thousands of dollars from a dead woman’s savings account, so I think you can afford to cut poor Jamie some slack. It’s not like he robbed a bank…unlike somebody else I know.

Caleb basically flips out on his dad after discovering his massive crime spree in the church. Accusations were made, words were exchanged, and then the FLOODGATES come bursting open as Caleb starts crying about all the daddy abandonment issues that he has. ALL THE RAGGED HAND-ME-DOWNS. ;__; ALL THE UNSIGNED PERMISSION SLIPS. ;__; ALL THE SOCIAL WORKERS. ;__; ALL THE FOSTER FAMILIES ;__; I weep for Caleb when I think of all the school field trips that he didn’t go on because his real father wasn’t there to sign those permission slips! That poor unloved child!!! ;__;

After Caleb called him out on being the lowlife scumbag that he is, Jamie walks out on his son YET AGAIN. You’d think that listening to Caleb’s tearful (and admittedly incoherent) spiel about how his daddy was never there for him during his childhood would change Jamie’s decision to leave, but noooo this doofus just couldn’t be arsed to stay with his son for even once in his life. You could’ve at least signed a few of those permission slips before you walked out that door, you cruel bastard! ;__;

To emphasize the sad state of affairs, we see this hilariously ~*artistic*~ (aka. meaningless) shot where the cameraman hid behind the staircase to capture the scene from an above angle. I’m not sure if there’s some symbolic meaning behind those three white bars that are obstructing the field of vision, except that it makes the production values for this show look quite amateurish. What were they trying to achieve with this clumsy film school technique?

At the end of the episode, we discovered the only thing Jamie stole was precious screentime that could have been dedicated to the real plots in the show, because A was the one behind the petty thefts all along. I’m actually a little shocked because I didn’t think this dumbass filler subplot was even significant enough to merit A’s involvement, but whatever. Is this the end of Hanna’s boyfriend’s father’s storyline? If so, good riddance! I’m so over Jamie Doyle. Please deport Caleb and his daddy issues to that other spin-off show and keep this shit off Pretty Little Liars, okay?

In other relationship news, we find out that Shana has gone on full stalker mode and she’s constantly texting Emily while Paige is out of town. If you think Emily receiving a few texts (aka. booty calls) from Shana is bad enough, can you imagine what Missy Franklin must be going through? I’m sure Missy has already put her on the Blocked Callers list and is currently seeking legal counsel to file a restraining order against Shana as we speak.

Aria: Shana’s cruising her and I think she should shut it down before it turns into Ex and the City.

Amazingly, ARIA of all people tells her friend not to become a two-timing triflin’ ho, even though this girl has dipped her feet into more than a few mud puddles at the same time. Why does Aria insist on giving relationship advice to other people? Just why??? -_-”

Speaking of Aria, can we please have a fashion police moment and discuss what’s wrong with her outfit this episode? I’m talking about that rather inappropriate dress with the crude white outlines drawn over her breasts. I think they are supposed to be pockets, but those lines look like they’re defining and pinpointing the exact location of her underboobs, which is kind of an unfortunate styling choice. She might as well have two arrows pointing directly where her boobies are, why don’t you? O_O

Since the last babysitting fiasco, Maggie has included Aria in the list of potential hazards to a child’s well-being, so she doesn’t want that girl near her son anymore. However, Ezra is too cheap to hire an actual babysitter, and he trusts that even Aria wouldn’t screw up something as simple as picking up Malcolm from karate class… *lol* Oh Aria. :-(

Aria had just ONE responsibility and that was still too much for her to handle. As expected, she fails spectacularly in typical Aria fashion and arrives ten minutes late, only to find out that The A Team abducted Malcolm by assuming her identity. Okay, I can understand if she was two or three minutes late, but showing up ten minutes later almost seems like she’s not trying. Did Aria have a hard time finding a parking spot outside? Did she take too long picking the right piece of accessory to go with her outfit? What took this girl so damn long!?

Aria tells the karate instructor that she’s here to pick up Malcolm, but he was already brought home by a “friend”, Aria Montgomery, ten minutes ago.

1.) First of all, Aria isn’t even considered the “girlfriend” in Ezra’s life. She’s just referred to as the “friend”. OUCH~

2.) Surprisingly, somebody asking about a child’s whereabouts doesn’t immediately trigger *RED FLAGS* for this oblivious karate lady, who goes like: “Some Aria girl picked up Malcolm already, so never mind this strange woman who’s making inquiries about the same child. I can’t wait to change out of this outfit because my job here is done, la dee la~”

Aria has a MAJOR PANIC ATTACK after realizing that she lost her boyfriend’s kid. I mean, getting rid of Malcolm is no big deal and probably part of her master plan to eliminate the competition anyway. But getting the *blame* for losing Ezra’s kid isn’t something that Aria wants on her conscience, so she’s freaking out big time!

The only clue that A left behind is a poster for some town carnival, but there’re so many people in attendance that it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Aria’s job is made more difficult considering they probably changed Malcolm’s child actor yet again, so she doesn’t even know what the kid looks like anymore. Is she supposed to be looking for Malcolm 1.0 or Malcolm 2.0? Or is he gonna be some entirely different looking boy altogether, who’s probably of some different ethnicity than the first two children?

One of the best moments happened when Aria encounters her mom at the carnival, where Mama Montgomery chugged down five bottles of haterade and immediately launched into an anti-Ezria tirade without letting her daughter get in a single word of rebuttal.

Ella: Honey, we talked about this! I know you wanna make it work, but…
Aria: Okay, mom, I can’t do this right now…
Ella: ARIA! You’re gonna be the one that gets hurt! Not to mention a confused little boy who’s still wondering how this stranger is suddenly his father. He needs help getting through it, but not with you. Malcolm already has somebody looking out for him. BITCH IT’S TIME TO LET GO~

OMG Ella was relentless in her quest to take down Ezria by stomping her feet all over their relationship! It was so glorious to watch. ^_^

Over the phone, Aria and Emily discuss whether they should get the police involved with Malcolm’s kidnapping. Geez, you think that’d be her first course of action before leaving the classroom, but aye yie yie.

Not-So-Hypothetical Question: Oh no, a kid went missing! What should you do!?
Aria’s Response: Oh, I’m just gonna pop down to the carnival, grab myself a cob of corn, maybe watch a few of the performance acts in the front row, AND THEN I might consider calling the police. But not before calling my friend Emily first for her very valuable input.

During the phone conversation, we get a very REVEALING snippet into Aria’s psyche, just to prove that I’m not making up half the shit I write about her character.

Emily: Malcolm wasn’t hurt, but if you call the cops…
Aria: Don’t! Just don’t! Okay, I swear if something happens to that little boy because of me, I don’t know what I’m gonna do!

Let’s put emphasis on the “because of me” part. Notice how she doesn’t just say “if something happens to that little boy…”, but she adds that extra annotation as if her own self-interest is a higher concern than that child’s welfare. If something happens to that little boy because of natural causes or other scenarios where somebody else gets the blame, then fine! But it shouldn’t happen because of MEMEME!

I’m not sure how many of you were rooting for A to dispose of Malcolm’s character forever, but this little bugger remains unharmed under the kidnapper’s watch. In fact, Malcolm is so stupid that he wasn’t even aware he got kidnapped. All this kid knows is that he spent the day away from his parents (and their family “friend” Aria), while the nice lady in the black hoodie bought him balloons and took him to the carnival. Fuch yeahhhh, best kidnapping ever~~~

The abduction plot gets resolved when Aria finds Malcolm sitting inside a tent, licking on an ice-cream cone, and staring into blank space.

Aria: Malcolm, WTF!? O_O
Malcolm: There’s gonna be another show! The man outside said so! I’m early! *sits patiently*
Aria: You know I was supposed to pick you up from class, right?
Malcolm: But your friend picked me up instead. She said her name was Alison.

Is Malcolm the most gullible kid ever? I know he’s just a child, but does he have any self-awareness or did he lose all of his common sense when he fell off that bed? Surely he must be at an age where his mom taught him not to take candy, popcorn, or ice-cream from strangers. Even a dog knows not to run off with somebody who’s not his master.

I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE. No, that isn’t me muttering to myself while fast forwarding through yet another Ezria scene. That’s actually what Aria says to Ezra when she comes to the realization that raising her adult boyfriend’s child is FUCKING ABSURD. Getting Malcolm kidnapped was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back, which pushed Aria to call it quits before she spends the rest of her life packing lunchboxes and attending parent-teacher conferences. Well, good for her! Better late than never!

Of course, I am not fooled by the fact that their break-up is inevitably short-lived, and these two will reunite again at the start of next season. We go through this shit every season like clockwork. I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE! *hits season 4 reset button* OH EZRA I LOVE YOU, LET’S BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

Aria just broke up with him, but Ezra looks more concerned that he lost a babysitter who will look after his kid for free. He’s racking his little pea brain, trying to think of a way to make Aria stay with him, at least until he lands that teaching job and finds another high school piece of jailbait who will be her replacement. P.S. I hear that Hanna is gonna be single next season~ Hit on that please~

It’s time to reveal *THE BIG TWIST* in this episode, which is Spencer = EVIL MOFO. She had accepted Mona’s offer and joined the cool kids as the newest member of The A Team. She even got her own black hoodie, identification badge, employment contract, gym membership & benefits package. It’s official! Welcome to the dark side, Spencer Hastings~~~

In fact, Spencer successfully performed her first order of business as A, because she was the one who kidnapped Malcolm, which is just lmfao. I love the idea of Spencer escaping the asylum like a madwoman, wearing a black hoodie over her hospital nightgown, and she still managed to arrive at Malcolm’s karate class ten minutes earlier than Aria does. *lololol*

During the episode, Spencer goes on a ~*treasure hunt*~ around the asylum by using the board game map as a blueprint or whatever shit that Mona left behind. We get a few scenes where Spencer is studying the map so seriously like she’s Christopher Columbus in search of a new foreign land across the horizons. I have NO IDEA why none of the Radley staff members noticed there’s a fucking mental patient roaming the asylum halls with a board game in her hands, or why nobody thought to stop this crazy bitch in her tracks, but it’s totally absurd yet hilarious and this show is so crack but I kinda love it.

Spencer’s treasure hunt eventually leads her to a BIG ASS WINDOW (which is conveniently unlocked) and she can use this pathway to literally step out of Radley at any given time. I thought escaping the high-security madhouse would involve a bit of craft, such as climbing out of the chimney or digging a secret underground tunnel, but all you have to do is tap lightly on a window and you’re magically out of this hellhole!

You’d think they would install prison bars and gated doors and unbreakable padlocks and electric fences and surveillance cameras in a place where the menaces to society are supposedly contained, but nope! I’m surprised that they didn’t give each patient their own set of keys for easy access in and out of the asylum. The security breaches at Radley are almost as big as the plot holes on this show.

Creepily enough, Wren follows Spencer into a dark desolate room at the asylum late at night. She confronts him about his involvement with Mona, as if it isn’t PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that he hooked up with the skank and he’s now one of her minions doing the evil biddings out of her vagina. I mean, Wren has a tough time keeping it in his pants as it is, so it’s only natural for the biggest horndog on the show to chase after the hottest piece of teenage tail in Radley. There’s absolutely no question in my mind that Wren & Mona hooked up as soon as she stepped foot into the institution, I’m sure of it.

Other interesting snippets here and there:

1.) Wren almost got fired because he allowed authorized visitors to see Mona against direct protocol, and specifically issued a guest pass for Cece Drake.

2.) Apparently, Cece was *desperate* to see Mona to help her recover from the psych wounds inflicted by Alison. (lol as if~ more like those two evil bitches were plotting world domination together~)

3.) Alison pulled some stunt at a frat party that got Cece kicked out of university, so the two of them might not be on the best of terms, which is strange because Cece never indicated there’s animosity between her and Ali. Either she’s a very forgiving person or she’s a very good actress…

When Spencer’s friends are finally allowed to visit her in the psych ward, they don’t know the extent of her madness and just assume everything will be better after they put a bandage over her brain booboo. During the visit, Emily delivers the unintentionally funniest line of the episode as she cheers up Spencer with some, erm, *good news*.

Emily: We have good news. They found a body in the woods. The police believe it was a camper.

Worst good news ever!?!? Examples of good news: getting a promotion at work, winning the lottery, Community getting renewed for a 5th season. Examples of not so good news: finding a goddamn body in the woods! I know Emily was happy because the dead camper isn’t identified as Toby, but it’s still morbid to relish in the death of a complete stranger. I’m sure this dead camper also had family and friends who loved him too. Way to be considerate, Emily! ;_;

Emily is in charge of a ridiculous plot where the pretty little liars break into the morgue (!!!) and take pictures of a dead body (!?!?). I think the only appropriate reaction to that statement is WUTDAFUQ. Somebody please explain their rationale for doing so because I don’t fucking get it! I think Emily wanted to prove that Toby isn’t dead, but I don’t know how taking dark grainy pictures of a corpse is supposed to prove ANYTHING.

I also don’t understand why Spencer is the only one locked up inside an asylum when her friends are playing paparazzi inside the morgue. Clearly, their levels of sanity are equal to Spencer if not worse! At least Spencer had the right state of mind to *run away* when she stumbled upon Toby’s dead body, and at least she didn’t stop to snap pictures of the corpse to upload them into her online photo album!

All of a sudden, Hanna experiences an urgent life crisis and becomes very ~*philosophical*~ inside a morgue of all places.

Hanna: God, this is so wrong. You spend your whole life doing crunches, getting rid of tan lines, not eating that second pudding. And in the end, you’re just stale old bread lying on a rack…

Wow, that’s some seriously profound stuff, Hanna. I think the lesson learned is that it’s OK to go for the second pudding or even that third one because we’re all gonna die in the end anyway, so you might as well enjoy your sweets during this short and pitiful lifetime. ^_^

Emily: Um, maybe you can help me with this loaf? *gestures to body bag*

Has anybody told Emily that she’s so fucking morbid!? It just makes me giggle at how dark and twisted this girl can be. I mean, it takes a certain amount of guts to stand next to a decaying rotting corpse and refer to it as a loaf of bread!

Hanna: What if it really is Toby in there? Just in case it is, I don’t think I can handle seeing his face. Can we just look for his tattoo or something?

TRANSLATION: Uh-huh, let’s look for his tattoos …or something. I think what Hanna meant to say is that she wants to take a peek at his junk! When Hanna says that she wants to ID Toby’s body, she sure got her EYE on some form of D alright. Ooh yeah, let’s search for his tattoo and work our way down south, just to see what all the fuss is about. ;O

Emily opens the body bag, but unfortunately it’s not Toby. This is just some poor dead schmuck without a name or a backstory. RIP ANON GUY. :-(

Unfortunately, Emily might have celebrated the death of a complete stranger a little too soon, because Mama Fields announces that they found ANOTHER BODY that matches Toby’s physical description, but they can’t identify him yet because there’s significant trauma to his body. Of course, all Emily cares about is that her precious Toby might actually be dead dead dead, but the more alarming issue at hand is that TWO bodies have been found in the woods within days of each other.

My Sherlock intuition tells me there’s a SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE who’s specifically targeting the young men in Rosewood. Lock up your sons and husbands! NOBODY IS SAFE!!!!!

Red Coat: *makes a random cameo outside the morgue*
Aria: OMG IT’S RED COAT!!! :O :O :O
Red Coat: OHHH NOOOOO IT’S ARIA!!! HIDE!!!!

Don’t you love that it’s Red Coat who’s actually scared of Aria instead of the other way around? As soon as she sees Aria, Red Coat reacted by immediately turning around and running for cover in the elevator. You can see Red Coat visibly thinking: “Oh my god, just my luck, running into this needy bitch at a goddamn morgue. I’m SO not in the mood to deal with her brand of drama right now.”

At the end of the episode, Alison traded in her red trench coat for a snuggly pair of pyjamas as she communicates with Spencer via some dreamy hallucination. The show made it very clear that Spencer didn’t take any medication, so this isn’t a drug-induced trance, but given her fragile state of mind, I’m not sure if this scene is *real* or if it’s just Spencer having one of her *mental breakdowns*.

Alison flat out tells Spencer that she was attacked by a FEMALE assailant who gave her a fistful of justice right in the smacker. This could have been a very important clue except I’m not sure if we’re supposed to take it as the truth? Isn’t this a dream? A hallucination? An acid trip? Or is it Spencer’s inner conscience speaking to herself? I don’t even know how to classify these scenes anymore. WHAT’S REAL AND WHAT’S NOT??? IDK IDK IDK!!!

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14 Responses

  1. Default avatar Abrightgirl June 10th, 2013 / Monday

    Oh my God this was one of your best ones. Laughing my ass off the whole time!! I’m so happy you can’t stand Aria either. And I love how you noticed Aria was watching Hanna and Emily through the window at the morgue lmfao. And what is Malcolm’s problem? I could easily kidnap him if I wanted to. All I’d have to do is say I’m Ezra’s sister.

  2. Default avatar DarkAngel June 10th, 2013 / Monday

    Yay! A recap. Amazing as always.

    Well at least we know what Veronica Hastings is up to when she’s Out of Town. Everyone else is still a mystery.

    I loved that Alison was crying and being vulnerable, then instantly switched to I’m gonna go torture/murder someone, k thanks.

    Malcolm had issues the day he was born, he’s the son of Ezra Fitz.

    That creepy devil clown carnival would’ve sent me running in the other direction when I was seven. So I can see why the people of Rosewood are so f’d up if that’s what they think is suitable for children’s entertainment.

    The PLL’s are calm when talking about the things that go on in their town. “So they found another body today” “Another one? man that’s going to screw up traffic. How am I going to get my manicure?” That really makes me to want to see a reality show made “The Real Housewives of Rosewood”

  3. Default avatar George June 11th, 2013 / Tuesday

    looooove your recaps!! i was laughing so hard.. especially with everytinhg you say about mama hastings..she’s so FIERCE

    doing the season finale soon?? tonight is the premiere of season 4 already ( god, that was fast)

  4. Default avatar lalala June 11th, 2013 / Tuesday

    one of your best yet. :D AND OHMYGOD IT MAKES SENSE NOW!! if Caleb is getting written off the show.. Hanna is going to need a new love interest.. AND IT’S GOING TO BE MONA. seriously, I can’t wait until you recap the finale and summer premire. There is loads of sexual tension between Hanna and Mona and I really need to feel like I’m not imagining it, so please. Mona literally says “I really did love you, you know.” and “We almost had our first kiss” and a lot of stress and just being “friends again” but.. SURE.

    you heard it hear first.

    another thing- YES! I mean, there seems to be a whole lot of misguided interest in this lovely town of Rosewood! Ali dies and gets a whole shrine and yada yada it’s a tragedy but Maya, Garret, RANDOM PEOPLE, die all of the time and it’s just whatever

  5. Default avatar ANoelle June 12th, 2013 / Wednesday

    OMG YES A NEW RECAP! :DD

  6. Default avatar Delicia June 12th, 2013 / Wednesday

    “*Godzilla hand smack*”
    “NUThouse”
    Brilliant recap as always :)
    Didn’t stop laughing at all the hilarious things you notice that no one else does! :’D

  7. Default avatar Alex June 12th, 2013 / Wednesday

    “I love the idea of Spencer escaping the asylum like a madwoman, wearing a black hoodie over her hospital nightgown” and also “I have NO IDEA why none of the Radley staff members noticed there’s a fucking mental patient roaming the asylum halls with a board game in her hands” made me DIE from laughing, as did the picture of Aria in the window of the morgue lmfao.

    I love that Alison is a huge lezz; if Emily knew that all you had to do to get a slow dance with Ali was to check into an asylum, she’d have been there AGES ago, amirite? Sorry Paige.

    And on a serious note, the story about Alison pulling a stunt at a frat party that got CeCe booted out of college, could this be related to the flashback scene in season 1 (I think) at the frat party where a girl ends up falling down the stairs and none of the girls can find Ali?

  8. Default avatar Red Coat March 5th, 2014 / Wednesday

    “OH SHIT IT’S ARIA!” Seriously, I’d run too.

  9. Default avatar PLL LOVER May 1st, 2014 / Thursday

    You are hilarious! I was laughing so hard! “Hanna: God, this is so wrong. You spend your whole life doing crunches, getting rid of tan lines, not eating that second pudding. And in the end, you’re just stale old bread lying on a rack…

    Wow, that’s some seriously profound stuff, Hanna. I think the lesson learned is that it’s OK to go for the second pudding or even that third one because we’re all gonna die in the end anyway, so you might as well enjoy your sweets during this short and pitiful lifetime.” That was my favorite part! Hell, I’m gonna take a 4th pudding!

  10. Default avatar Rebekah June 14th, 2015 / Sunday

    OMG I just noticed (while reading over old recaps because why not) that you’re a Community fan! You could not get any more awesome. Well maybe until you put up a new recap :D

    • Default avatar Recap Everything June 25th, 2015 / Thursday

      I’ve been a huge Community fan since forever <3 I haven't finished the newest season yet, but I hope it gets six more seasons on Yahooooo

    • Default avatar Rebekah August 26th, 2015 / Wednesday

      That shouldn’t surprise me, of course you would love Community! I actually liked season 6 a lot more than I thought I would and also hope it gets renewed, but I haven’t heard anything. Hopefully there’s a movie with the original study group.. actually just as long as the Dean is there. <3

  11. Default avatar antonella March 31st, 2016 / Thursday

    secuestro de Alison la hsitoria melissa mato a betany young habia enterro matado cuando melissa yoa bethany ella llevando la ropa Alison conjuntos de su ropa Alison no andaba por ahi desnuda que betahnay ocupase casa el Alison en la betahny acabara con eso top amarillo de llegar a esa fotos de A que fotos de A caramelos con una sonrisa pequeña amigas de Alsion crimen desparece flashabacks negro Alison
    Alison entrando en una trampa de A con los ojos abertos autopias Alison y de charlotte dilaurentis fue asesinada descioon

  12. Custom avatar Ali Dee March 4th, 2017 / Saturday

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read and I was crying with laughter over the Mama Hastings and the reused blouse fiasco! I love these recaps but this one just became my new favourite. So so funny! Thanks for making me laugh uncontrollably until I couldn’t breathe.

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