Season 3 Episode 20, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Hot Water

Spencer nearly dies in a sauna; Hanna’s mother drives over Detective Wilden; Ezra returns and brings back the same tedious drama.

Wow, I feel so excited about recapping a new episode of Pretty Little Liars! This is my favourite television show! They do such a good job with the insightful storylines and consistent characterization!

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m just trying my best to drum up what little enthusiasm I have to make it through to the end of this shitfest. Can you believe this show has been renewed for a fifth season!? Get ready to trudge through fifty more episodes of filler before we find out what really happened to Alison DiLaurentis! And did you know there’s gonna be a new spin-off show called Ravenclaw or whatever? I thought The Lying Game was supposed to be the spin-off? I can’t even keep track of this godforsaken franchise anymore. This monster is spiralling out of control!

By the way, I wanna take this opportunity to announce that I plan on recapping Season 1 of Pretty Little Liars immediately after I’m finished writing about these last few episodes, so 2016 will be a very exciting year for Recap Everything!

We begin with the pretty little liars regrouping and recapping everything that happened in the last episode. Once again, they rehash the same old unanswered questions. Who killed Ali? Who got her pregnant? Who’s the beach hottie? Who’s Red Coat? Who’s Queen of Hearts? Who’s Black Swan? Who’s April Rose? Who’s Angie? Who’s A?

Who? Who? Who? Who? There are more whos than a fucking Dr. Seuss book, seriously. At this point, the real question is who the fuck cares anymore!?

Remember how Jason suddenly disappeared from his hospital room at the end of last episode? He sends Emily a text message claiming to be okay (uh-oh, I sense another Ian/Maya situation here!) but states that his character won’t be making any more appearances for the rest of the season.

Right away, you can see the little hamster wheel turning as Aria does the math in her head. Hold on… Ezra’s gone, Wesley’s gone (o ya he left too but no1curr) and now even Jason’s gone!? Oh no, does this mean Aria has no more romantic suitors left on the show!? *gasps* What’s the point of her entire existence if she doesn’t have a love interest that she can desperately cling to!?

On the brink of Aria’s ~*existential crisis*~, Ezra unfortunately returns to the show. Damn, I was hoping he might get hit by a speeding truck while visiting Malcolm, but I guess some dreams don’t come true. And the fucker wasn’t even gone for that long! I thought we’d get at least 4-5 episodes of peace and tranquility without putting up with more Ezria bullshit. *la sigh*

We just got rid of Wesley, but now we have Ezra stinking up the joint again. Can’t we have one PLL episode without the constant infestation of these Fitzgerald brothers? Pretty please?

Ezra: I haven’t been sleeping much in these past few weeks.
Aria: Yeah, ME neither. I guess I’m just confused why you never called ME on those sleepless nights.

Let’s just get to the crux of the issue here: MEMEMEMEME! Aria’s ability to behave like a self-centred twat never fails to astound. No wonder he didn’t call her, I’m sure Aria would have found some way to monopolize the conversation and make it all about herself.

Ezra: If anything, I was trying to be fair to you and not drag you into the middle of this.
Aria: I already am!

MEMEMEMEME! And how exactly is Aria in the middle? Is she Malcolm’s mother? Is she Malcolm’s blood relative? Is she Malcolm’s legal guardian in any way? Someone please remind me how a piece of jailbait fits anywhere in this equation? If anything, Aria is on the peripheral of the issue here, yet she keeps pushing herself to the forefront even though she’s *irrelevant* in the grand scheme of things.

Aria: Did Maggie ever tell you why she kept it a secret?
Ezra: She did. My mother paid her to keep quiet.
Aria: THAT’S DISGUSTING.

I’m sorry, but the only person who’s truly DISGUSTING is the woman who accepted a cash payment to keep her child away from her biological father. As far as I’m concerned, Ezra’s mom didn’t hold Maggie at gunpoint and forced her to make this decision. That bitch could have easily declined the offer. How is it Dianne’s fault that Maggie is a greedy moneygrubbing ho who compromised her morals and her principles just because the price was right?

Let’s jump forward to a scene later in the episode, where Aria has a face-to-face chat with Ezra’s mother.

Dianne: I take it you’ve spoken with Ezra?
Aria: I really don’t wanna get in the middle of this.

Ohohohoho, that’s rich. Everything Aria has done up to this point indicates that she’s more than happy to take centre stage in this drama. “Hey Aria, I’m taking Malcolm to the park-” “WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME!? WHY DIDN’T YOU INCLUDE MEMEMEMEME??? O_O”

Can I express how delighted I am to see that Queen Fitzgerald has graced us with her royal presence in this episode? Roll out the red carpet! Cue the trumpets! Ready the fireworks! Our magnificent queen has made her arrival!!!

I never thought I’d see the day when Queen Fitzgerald would descend from her golden throne to brave the streets of commoners, but here she is, slumming it at Aria’s natural habitat (aka. the coffeehouse ghetto). She looks so hilariously out of place wearing her designer outfits and jewellery that are worth thousands of dollars, while some toothless hobo buys a five dollar cup of coffee right behind her.

Dianne: I must admit, I admire your courage, staying with Ezra while his life turns upside down. It will change things, to say the least. Especially for someone like Ezra. You know he’ll make Malcolm the centre of his life. And then there’s Maggie…
Aria: *thoroughly mindfucked* O_O

lmao look at this bitch planting dem seeds~ I’m loving her new strategy for approaching Aria, which is to appear as congenial as possible, but still sneaks in a backhanded compliment without Aria even knowing. “I admire your courage” is just a nicer way of saying “You are one stubborn motherfucker, ain’t you? Now listen carefully as I list out all the reasons why your courage is DESPICABLE.”

Dianne: Just think of yourself, Aria. How would you feel waking up to that kind of responsibility?

ARIA’S PREGNANCY FORESHADOWING??? O_O Now that Pretty Little Liars has been renewed for a fifth season, you know the writers will have to go through the bottom of the barrel scraping for storylines, so it’s almost a certainty this pregnancy will take place. In the near future, when a teary-eyed Aria sees that her pregnancy test is positive, I just wanna be the first one to say, “I told you so! :o)”

You know Aria must be so insufferable when even her friends are actively avoiding her. Spencer sees Aria in the school hallway, does a 180 turnaround, and makes an immediate detour into the nearest washroom instead. OOOH ULTIMATE BURRRRN. That’s right, Spencer would rather listen to the sound of urine tinkling against the toilet bowl than put up with Aria’s incessant whining about her life. Well, she’s listening to crap either way!

Poor Spencer just wants to be left alone, but Aria actually followed her into the washroom because there’s no escape from her D R A M A!!!

Aria: HEY SPENCER, I know life really sucks for you right now, but I know what’ll make you feel better. Ezra’s back!!! *throws confetti* See, didn’t that news cheer you up? Aren’t you happy that I am so happy? :) :) :)
Spencer: *secretly considers drowning myself in a toilet bowl*

Ezra’s back??? Is Aria for real? How is this bitch capable of making it ALL ABOUT HER even as her friend is crying into a piece of toilet paper on the other side of the stall? She must really think the world revolves around her and only her. Besides, how is this comment supposed to make Spencer feel better? If anything, it almost seems like Aria is taunting her friend, as if to say: “My boyfriend came back to me and yours didn’t, nyah nyah~”

How does everyone feel about Wren barking up Spencer’s tree again? It didn’t seem that long ago when he was still laying the moves on Hanna. Okay, let’s just call a spade a spade and a whore a whore. I think Wren is a shameless sex fiend who goes through women faster than a virus. Dude, you’ve already macked on Spencer, Spencer’s friend, and Spencer’s sister! Who’s next on your client list? Her mother? Her nana!?

Spencer: I was wrong. You wanted to help me and I used you to get at Mona. I’m sorry.
Wren: You shouldn’t be. I deserve to be used.

Ugh. Really, Wren? I deserve to be used. That has to be one of the most pathetic lines uttered in the history of Pretty Little Liars, and there are quite a few contenders. The only thing that Wren deserves is a smack in the head. Have some frigging self-respect, man! You can hit on girls without taking pick-up lines from the handbook for self-abuse victims.

In this episode, Wren and Spencer go on a *real* date to make up for the *fake* one where she went bonkers and started choking bitches everywhere. We get to see the end of the date, as Spencer giggles about how she once stile a crystal paperweight from her nana’s house, but she buried it in the backyard because she felt so guilty afterwards.

Meanwhile, in the DiLaurentis house next door, somebody buried a teenage girl’s body in their backyard, so that crystal paperweight story might not be as scandalous as Spencer thinks.

Long story short, Spencer and Wren make out at the end of the date, because talking about crystal paperweights really get their juices going! The kiss comes right after Wren admits that “it was wrong of me to swoop in so quickly after you broke up with Toby” …and then he goes ahead to do exactly just that. -_-”

All I see is an opportunistic d-bag who preys on emotionally vulnerable girls at their lowest points, but I’m sure some of the more optimistic viewers will be weeping into their handkerchiefs and going like: “OMG THIS JUST PROVES WREN IS ALWAYS THERE FOR SPENCER WHEN SHE NEEDS HIM, HE MUST REALLY LUV HER, #IBELIEVEINWRENCER.”

When Spencer comes back from her date with Wren, Melissa could literally sniff out that her sister has been slutting it up around town.

Melissa: Spencer, I know it’s none of my business, but no company is better than bad company.
Spencer: What’s that supposed to mean?
Melissa: *smirks* I bought Wren that cologne.

In other words, you know you’re a giant skank when people can smell your fish stank from a mile away. YOU SMELL LIKE WHOREHOUSE SPENCER!!!

Sidebar 1: Is it just me, or did Melissa give particularly glorious bitchface during this episode? There wasn’t a single camera frame where her expression isn’t full of contempt, spite, and so much judgment. It’s almost like the actress practiced in front of the mirror to ensure she got her *villain* on. She absolutely nailed it because that bitchface is PERFECTION~~~

Sidebar 2: I see that the ‘Women of a Certain Age’ hairstyle is catching on with some of the PLL characters. The side sweep is taking over Rosewood like the next big sensation. Veronica Hastings was so ahead of her time when she got her hair done earlier in the season, and now everyone is copying her style. Can anybody say #trendsetter?

Elsewhere in some filler subplot territory, Emily and Hanna are trying to find out who wore the Queen of Hearts costume in the Halloween episode. The costume shop claimed that going through the complex inventory system will take “a couple of weeks”. Naturally, this means Emily could waltz into the store, click a few random buttons on the computer, and gather all the necessary information within sixty seconds.

We don’t learn anything *new* about the Queen of Hearts, except it’s obvious that they’re going to dragggg this mystery until the next Halloween episode, so don’t get your hopes up that anything important is actually happening. :|

In this episode, we are officially introduced to Shana, that girl who works at the costume shop. Here’s what you need to know about her character:

1.) OH MY GOD, SHANA IS A TOTAL BITCH!!! I don’t know what her problem is, but she got so fucking aggro and she gave off some major attitude. After exchanging two lines of dialogue with Emily, this girl had her fists oiled up and she was ready to *throw down* with some motherfuckers right there on the spot! Poor Em was like: “Nice to meet you?” and Shana was like: “I DECLARE YOU AS MY MORTAL NEMESIS. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEATHMATCH WHERE ONLY ONE OF US CAN SURVIVE!!!” Like, gurrrrl, hostile much?

2.) I am so happy I’m watching a show that is becoming so racially diverse! You almost need TWO hands to count the number of noteworthy characters of colour that have appeared on Pretty Little Liars! Progress!!!

3.) Who wants to bet that Shana will be dead by the middle of next season? This show doesn’t have the best record at keeping their black characters alive for more than a handful of episodes, so stay strong Shana!

4.) Paige conveniently forgets to mention that Shana is her ex-girlfriend and they dated for a few weeks during the summer. Looking back, maybe Hanna was onto *something* when she caught these two flirting at the lesbian bar a while ago. I’m rewinding the tapes, and I’m looking at Paige’s suggestive body language, and I’m seeing the way she got all dressed up to meet with her ex… Ooh girl, these are what we called ~*signals*~!

Paige: Emily, believe me. It’s over. She was a substitute at a time when I never thought I’d get the real thing.

Wow, that was fucking cold. Paige is being kind of a scumbag, isn’t she? Can you imagine if Shana was in the room and she heard Paige describe her as a “substitute” with the implication that she’s just the “consolation prize”? Oh, I couldn’t get the girl I really desired, so I settled for a cheap knockoff instead! From the way she was describing her relationship, you’d think Paige was getting a second ice-cream flavour because they ran out of her favourite kind. These are real human emotions you’re dealing with, Promiscuous Paige!!!

The most revealing part is when Paige tries to reaffirm her love for Emily, but she raises the pitch of her voice as she utters the final word, so that it sounds like she’s saying “I love YOU?”, as if she was asking a dubious question rather than stating a concrete fact. She even *shrugged* her shoulders as she was saying this. Oh boy. These two aren’t gonna survive through Season 4, are they? :-(

Emily: Do you think Toby would ever cheat on Spencer? It’s the only thing I could think of that might explain how upset she has been.
Hanna: Toby is as loyal as a labrador! I don’t think he’d cheat. And neither would Paige.
Emily: Who said anything about Paige?
Hanna: Uh, your face?

Now that it has been brought to my attention, it’s in my PLL wish list for one of the love interests to *rly* cheat on the pretty little liars. These bitches do it all the time (Wren, Wes, etc.) so it’d be interesting to see the reverse happening. In fact, there’s a sick part of me that wants to see Caleb & Paige hook up because ~*complete chaos*~ will rain down on the show. All this cheating drama would be delicious to watch. :D

Hanna: Are you even sure Shana is gay!? She barely looked at me!
Emily: That’s the criteria!?

It’s kinda offensively endearing that Hanna thinks she’s such hot shit with the lesbian crowd. It’s like saying: “I am God’s gift to women! Every chica wants a taste of this sherbet!” Imagine if a guy said the same thing. He’d be called a total d-bag.

Hanna: You should have seen those chicks fighting over me at the bar.

Objection! Only one of them was hitting on her, while the other chick called her a peroxide piece of trash, so Hanna has a 50% approval rate on HotOrNot.com at best.

MEMEMEMEME! I’m not being factitious when I say that Aria walks into a room and makes the drama all about her. This is *literally* what happens. She walks inside Hanna’s room, climbs into her bed, and starts making sad pouty faces at her friends. Emily and Hanna have to stop whatever they were saying just to ask Aria what’s wrong. Yep, she somehow managed to put the spotlight back on herself again without uttering a single word. *slow clap* Bravo, Aria. Bravo.

Emily: Is everything okay?
Aria: Ezra’s back!

OH MY GOD!!!!! GIVE IT A REST ARIA MONTGOMERY!!!! DO WE NEED TO CALL THE SIX O’CLOCK NEWS TO LET THEM KNOW THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS COME BACK TO TOWN!?!!? BLOODY HELL. IF ANYONE WANTED A MINUTE-BY-MINUTE UPDATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS, THEY WOULD GO GET AN EFFING TWITTER ACCOUNT. LEAVE US ALONE WITH YOUR EZRIA BULLSHIT ARRRGHHHH!!!!! *gun to head*

Aria: God, how did this even happen!?!?

IKR? I pray to God everyday asking why the abomination known as Ezria is allowed to happen on this beautiful green earth.

Aria: I’m actually having a conversation about my boyfriend’s son! It’s like my relationship went from high school to minivan overnight. And now, now I have to go to his apartment and have dinner with him and act like everything is okay!

Just admit it, Aria is secretly enjoying every second of this. Soak it in, soak it in. The more drama, the merrier.

Aria: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that he didn’t call? Even Wes thought that was strange.
Hanna: Hold up, his little brother? Aria, is there something you are not telling us?
Aria: What!? No! *pauses* Okay, yes. Maybe I went there for 2.5 seconds. No, no, I just missed Ezra.

LMAO~ This girl is frigging incredible. Yeah, I made out with my boyfriend’s brother for three seconds when he accidentally inserted his tongue into my mouth. No biggie! It happens to the best of us, right!? What was the line that Paige used? “She/He was a substitute at a time when I never thought I’d get the real thing.” This should be the new mantra for the show.

The funniest part is that Emily and Hanna just finished discussing how Paige & Toby would never cheat on their loved ones because they are so *loyal* and *faithful*. And then Aria comes strutting in and goes like “Hellz yeah, I macked on both brothers and I feel no shame about it! Bitches be pimpin’, yo!” The timing couldn’t be more awkward. You know Hanna and Emily must be judging their friend so hard right now lol.

REAL TALK: Do you guys think Ezria still would have happened if everyone knew he was a father at the start of the series? I’d like to believe even Ezra will have enough integrity to lay off the jailbait as he’s raising a son. Or if he lacks any self-control which is a pretty likely case, then at least Aria should have the common sense not to seduce some schlubby soccer dad teacher, right? Righhhht?

Ezra: I’m not going to APOLOGIZE for loving you!!!

Excuse me, reaching for my barf bag. *projectile vomit* Every time Ezra professes his love for Aria, my soul dies a little inside.

But hey, if he isn’t willing to apologize for loving her, then I guess I’ll have to do it on his behalf. Ezra, I am sorry. I am sorry that you are incapable of being in a healthy romantic relationship with a woman your own age. I am sorry that you are emotionally stunted to a point where a teenager is your ideal soulmate. I am sorry your conscience is so morally depraved that you don’t even feel remorse for hooking up with a minor. I am sorry for you. I am truly, truly sorry for you.

Later on, we see Ezra snapping at his mother for being such a scheming manipulative bitch. Apparently, she claimed that she hid his son for seven years out of everyone’s “best interests”. *lol*

Ezra feels so goddamn proud of himself for standing up to his mother, hurling all kinds of insults, and blaming her for every fucked up issue in his life. Wahhh, you’re manipulating Aria out of my life! Wahhh, you didn’t tell me I have a son! Wah wah wahhh! Wow, Ezra sure handled this confrontation with the grace and maturity of a real adult. There’s nothing more courageous than a grown ass man who throws tantrums and yells at his mommy for not understanding him. Way to go, champ!

Let me get up on my soapbox because I feel the need to *defend* Dianne Fitzgerald. Can we stop depicting this woman as a villain for what she did? I know her actions are seriously misguided, but she did everything with the intention of protecting her son!

Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine discovering that your teenage son shot his semen up in the wrong bitch. Your son, your pampered eighteen-year-old son, has ambitions of becoming a writer after graduation. He was so young and so full of potential, but now he’ll have to put his dreams on hold because he needs to support his family through an unexpected pregnancy. As a mother, what would you do for your beloved son? Wait, don’t answer that. Your answer may vary, but can you at least understand where Dianne was coming from?

Anyway, right after Ezra told off his mom, kicked her out of his apartment and forced her to give back the keys, Aria’s immediate reaction was *OMG I AM SO TURNED ON BY HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!* And then they start making out morbidly like the evil savage couple that they are. Ugh, gross.

I’m happy to report that Queen Fitzgerald got the last laugh. If Ezra wanted to kick her out of the apartment, then two can play that game! Near the end of the episode, Ezra’s mom is suddenly selling the condo that Maggie lives in, thus evicting her and Malcolm from their home. Yes, this essentially means she’s kicking out her own grandson and forcing him to live in the streets. That’s how effing hardcore this bitch is. *lmao* SUCH A BOSS~~~

Aria: Does Malcolm know that you’re his dad?
Malcolm: Not yet, and it’s a big step, but we’re trying to ease him into the idea.
Aria: Well, whatever you decide, I’m here for you. :)

Quoted for posterity. SPOILER ALERT: Let’s revisit this scene three episodes later when #Ezria immediately falters at the first real obstacle thrown their way. Whatever you do, Ezra-poo, I’ll be here for youuuu…until shit gets too real and in that case I have my bags packed with one foot out of the emergency exit, sayonara~

P.S. I hope Ezra makes Aria return the keys to his apartment when they break up too. ^_^

Hooray, it’s that time of the episode where the pretty little liars are put into yet another life-threatening and near-death situation! I must admit, the show is getting rather creative at coming up with unique ways to torture these characters. Death by mannequins! Death by elevator! Death by sauna heat! What will these sadistic evil geniuses think of next??? *mwhahaha*

Spencer: Welp, lemme take a nap in the sauna while wrapping this strategically placed towel over my lady parts~ 8)

But then, A locks her inside and turns up the temperature to a bajillion degrees! By the time Spencer realized what was happening, she was pounding the door and crying for help while basically dying in a puddle of her own sweat and tears. Despite all the trauma, Spencer’s flimsy little white towel somehow managed to stay put for the entire duration, not that *anybody* was focused on whether there’d be a wardrobe malfunction or accidental nip slip that could be captured in a screenshot while writing their Pretty Little Liars recap. I mean, who would do such a thing?

Shall we discuss the ~*amuhzing*~ bathroom in Spencer’s house? HOLY SMOKES. This frigging rich bitch actually has a frigging sauna inside her frigging bathroom!!! I am officially frigging jealous! No wonder Toby took all his showers here every morning! Most bathrooms would be considered “fancy” if the toilet and the sink were placed in separate rooms! JESUS CHRIST. O_O

P.S. All I can say is there are worse places to die in than this swanky bathroom, am I right?

P.P.S. I won’t be surprised if the Hastings family has a personal bathroom attendant as well. His sleeping quarters must be right next door.

We’ve just stepped into the ~*bathroom of the future*~ where the sauna, the shower, the bathtub, AND the music stereo are combined into one futuristic hybrid machine. Hell yeah, you heard me right, this thing plays music! You can jam out to your favourite tunes while you’re washing your tushie! Awesome invention is just way too awesome!

Anyway, nearly dying inside a sauna has changed Spencer’s perspective on life. She finally decides to tell her friends about Toby’s real identity. I thought the whole point of keeping it a secret was to protect the other liars from harm, but I guess that’s no longer a concern to her? “Forget protecting my friends! I’m gonna drag the rest of these bitches down with me!”

Instead of blurting out the secret right away like a normal person would, Spencer must gather all her friends in her bedroom before she makes this ~*very important*~ announcement. Except we’re running out of time to cover any significant plot developments in this episode, so the story ends here and the pointless suspense is dragged on for yet another week.

Meanwhile, there are vicious rumours flying around that Detective Wilden may have impregnated Alison before her death. This all started thanks to our pretty little gossips for spreading TOXIC slander that have the potential to end an innocent man’s career. Way to go, girls!

Naturally, Wilden thinks the best way to clear his name is to *harass* and *intimidate* various women until he gets them to STFU. On one hand, it’s kinda shitty that he has to deal with the stigma for a rumour that may be entirely fabricated… On the other hand, nice innocent men don’t usually get accused of scandals like these unless there’s an element of truth to the allegations…

Cece got so spooked by Detective Wilden that she’s actually leaving Rosewood after this episode. Cece always suspected Detective Wilden got Alison pregnant, but she feigned ignorance because she had no evidence + playing dumb is actually a smart strategy so that the killer doesn’t come after her and murder her ass.

The REAL reason why Cece left is because the season finale is coming and nobody wants to be the next Ian or Maya to be written off the show forever. That’s why all of the at-risk minor characters like Jason and Cece are skipping town until the danger passes and/or their contracts get extended for the next season.

During a heated confrontation with Mama Marin, Detective Wilden goes into ~*full creeper*~ mode when he almost confesses (?) or at least admits that he has something to hide.

Wilden: I’m not the only one with secrets! You talk, I talk! And you can lose a lot more than your boyfriend!
Ashley: Don’t threaten me!
Wilden: Hey, this is nothing compared to what I would do if Hanna talks!

The tension between them quickly escalated. Detective Wilden got very agitated and very physical as he grabbed onto Ashley’s arm in a way that made me legitimately worried about her safety. Girl, where yo pepper spray and rape whistle at!? Mama Marin managed to run back into her car, but Detective Wilden stood in front of her and reached out for his gun…

AND THEN SHE RAN OVER THAT MOTHERFUCKER, BOOYEAH~~~~~

When I first watched this scene, my immediate reaction was OMGWTFLMAO all at once. Oh my gawwwd, what just happened!?!?!? Ashley put the pedal to the metal like she was competing in the fucking Grand Prix! She stomped her foot onto the accelerator, crashed straight into Detective Wilden, and never looked back. I think there might still be fresh tire tracks on his corpse.

The best part is that Mama Marin didn’t even swerve in another direction to avoid hitting him with the car. It’s not like he came out of nowhere and she accidentally ran him over like a stray animal crossing the road. Detective Wilden had been standing *right there* in front of her, and she still stepped on the accelerator with the clear intent of turning him into roadkill.

Ashley: Get out of my way!!!!! *vroom vroom*

In her defense, she did give him fair warning to get the hell outta her way. Guess that dumb fucker should have listened. :D

Hanna: Mom, what’s wrong?
Ashley: I think I might have killed Detective Wilden.

I love this image of her sitting in the dark with a glass of vodka in her hand, calmly stating that she may have sent another human being to the afterlife. Mama Marin is such a badass. *lol*

Hasn’t Mama Marin committed enough criminal offences to earn a lifetime jail sentence?

1.) Offers sexual favours to bypass the law
2.) Steals money from an old lady’s bank account
3.) Runs over a police officer and flees the scene of the crime

Holy smokes, there’s enough material to develop an entire Law & Order spin-off based on her rap sheet alone. If we’re watching a crime procedural, they would issue a code red alert where Ashley Marin is classified as a high-danger criminal mastermind that may require the special services of the FBI and the CIA!

A hit-and-run storyline would be complicated enough for most TV shows, but Pretty Little Liars doesn’t know when to stop and continues throwing unnecessary curveballs at the viewers. At the end of the episode, Hanna and her mother return to the scene of the crime, only to discover that Detective Wilden’s corpse has mysterious disappeared. His car is still there, but his body is gone gone gone! To make things worse, all of tonight’s events were captured on surveillance film, which means The A Team has even more incriminating video footage of Mama Marin!

It’s like the show isn’t happy until they introduce so many contrived plots that a satisfying resolution is virtually impossible to achieve. *la sigh* Oh well, let’s just watch how PLL will try and fail to write themselves out of this hot mess. -_-”

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21 Responses

  1. Default avatar Alex April 21st, 2013 / Sunday

    I can’t wait to see how you handle season 1. It’s so light in comparison to the shitstorm the show now is. Don’t even get me started on the finale. They could have done it so well, but they only made it even more complicated. And of course Shana has been involved the whole time, but only conveniently showed up now. Also, I know it’s becoming very broken-record, but..Teen Wolf? Pretty please.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 25th, 2013 / Thursday

      I have so much crap to say about that lulzy finale. <3 I just need to pile through these next few recaps so we can actually get to the good (bad?) stuff.

      Teen Wolf is coming back in June, right? Plenty of time to get 11 recaps posted. *whistles innocently* Watch me post 7 Teen Wolf recaps in a row right before the Season 3 premiere. SPOILER: I am actually serious. :O

  2. Default avatar Anonymous April 21st, 2013 / Sunday

    Normally I love your recaps. They are absolutely hysterical, but it is very hard to enjoy them when the recapper inserts “this show is stupid” over and over again.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 25th, 2013 / Thursday

      Yeah, I understand it can be really frustrating to read a recap that’s too critical of a show, so I will try to ease up a little. I’m not a hater, yo. Most of my remarks are very tongue-in-cheek (I can’t stop loving this goddamn show and I am secretly excited about the spin-off too) but they might come across as harsher than I intended until someone points it out.

    • Default avatar J July 7th, 2014 / Monday

      Are you commenting this on every single recap of her’s that you supposedly “hate”? GTFO already.

  3. Default avatar undefined April 22nd, 2013 / Monday

    in the aria/spencer cubicle scene, I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing….

    good recap!
    So, I’m officially done with this show.
    Sometimes I rewatch some of the early ones (season 1) and I’m so nostalgic of how I use to really like it.
    There were different stages : – ‘loving this show, the wardrobe is kinda ridiculous but whatever!’ – then I started thinking ‘well, this is kinda silly, isn’t it?’ – then I found your website and started to realise that I was more excited about your update then the show’s – and now…
    ‘wait. am I actually forcing myself to watch this episode?!’ So, yeah, last season for me, I might try to finish it, but even that…
    It’s too bad, the only thing I still enjoy is Spencer’s character and Troian’s perfomance, so I’m hoping to see her in many other stuff in the future!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      I haven’t rewatched Season 1 at all, so it’d be quite interesting to look at those past episodes again with the knowledge I have now. All I remember is Spencer used to put on a ridiculous hat every episode. Girl, u crazy~

      I understand how u feel about the show sometimes, but I can’t seem to quit it no matter how much of a wreck it has become. But watching Spencer/Troian’s performance every episode is worth the price of admission alone.

  4. Default avatar DarkAngel April 22nd, 2013 / Monday

    This show has more who’s than Dr. Who.

    Man, I loved that Aria stomped into the room threw her self on the bed dramatically and sighed loudly until she interrupted her friends convo so they would notice her. Whenever Aria walks into the room her friends really need to ask three questions first. “1)Were you or your loved one’s almost murdered? 2)Were you or your loved ones almost abducted? 3)Did you or your loved one relieve a text from A? If you answer no to any of those questions shut the F up!”

    I don’ t blame Spencer from running away from her but should’ve left the school not trap herself in a room with only one exit.

    Mama Fitz sure can read Aria and goes right for the worst thing Aria can ever hear “Ezra will make Malcolm the center of his universe.”

    Aria: 0_0 but…what about ME ME ME!!!

    The Hastings don’t have a human bathroom attendant they have a f-ing robot servant because they are from the future or the Hastings are the robots. I haven’t decided yet.

    I know Mama Marin has a rap sheet longer then most criminals but she so needs to replace Aria as the forth Liar. With all the stuff she does to protect her own daughter, imagine if she was taking care of all the Liars. She’d kick Wren in the nuts, set fire to Mona’s A Lairs, run Toby over with his own car, make Caleb hack into all the cameras around Rosewood to spy on others whilst erasing evidence of her own crimes. Come on Show, make it happen!!

    I can’t wait to read your season 1 recaps, when the show was actually a must watch compared to the f-up it is now. Getting through it is like a chore. And on that note since they got a season 5, season 4 will be nothing but filler so there is no need to watch it.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 25th, 2013 / Thursday

      More who’s than a CSI theme song, seriously.

      That bedroom scene was classic Aria. I love how they transitioned between two separate storylines by making Aria stomp into a room until somebody notices her. You can see Emily and Hanna visibly thinking: Oh Lordy, not this shite again -_-” when she started regurgitating her same old baby momma drama. Aria seriously needs to live her life by abiding by those three questions.

      *lol* ikr? I bet Spencer regretted hiding in the washroom stall because there’s NO WAY OUT!!!

      Ezra’s mother is such a boss, planting dem seeds in Aria’s head to throw her in a tailspin. And she got her in the one spot that would hurt her the most: MEMEMEMEME! I love that bitch.

      OMG YES. A robot bathroom attendant, lol. The human thing is so 20th century of me. I bet the robot is even programmed to wipe Spencer’s bum for her. :)

      Mama Marin seriously needs to be one of the pretty little liars. She’s such a m’f’n badass. Give her one week and I bet she will be able to turn the entire Rosewood into a crime town.

      I don’t even know what nonsense they will try to pass off as legit storylines in Season 4, but I bet it will be CRAPTASTIC.

  5. Default avatar AnExoticDreamer April 23rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Oh my gosh in the pretty little liars wiki there is a battle between Aria haters and Aria lovers in her character page and I stated that she was self-centered and kept repeating that ME ME ME scenes you have here (: to those annoying Aria lovers! So glad you agree with me! Love it!

    • Default avatar Abrightgirl April 24th, 2013 / Wednesday

      I know what you mean! How can you possibly like Aria or Ezra? Much less them together.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      LMAO. I love the epic fan wars that have broke out because of Aria Montgomery. I bet Aria herself would love all the MEMEMEME attention that she’s getting.<3

      Aria is bad enough on her own, but Aria and Ezra together will be the death of me.

  6. Default avatar Anonymous April 24th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Spencer’s bathroom=awesomeness. It must be nice to be rich ! Love the recap, this show is so ridic but it’s like you can’t turn away or you will miss all the shenanigans this bitches will get into next

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      I wanna live in Spencer’s bathroom combined with Lucas’ bedroom and Hanna’s kitchen. So, so, so awesome. :D

  7. Default avatar ANoelle April 26th, 2013 / Friday

    OHMAIGAH A NEW RECAP!~

    If I was Toby, I’d wanna shower there everyday, too! I NEED THAT BATHROOM. PLEASE EXIST, AMAZING BATHROOM. ;A;

    This show is getting so ridiculous, at least you won’t have to go through it alone? :DD

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      I’m calling it now: Toby only stayed with Spencer that long for her bathroom. I’m curious to see what the toilet looks like. I bet the the toilet plate is encrusted with diamonds and jewels.

      Yes, this show is best viewed when I can vent out my frustrations to other ppl. :D

  8. Default avatar ANoelle April 26th, 2013 / Friday

    Oh, yeah! I can’t wait for the recaps of Season 1! WOO-HOO! \(^o^)/

    Also, are you going to go back to recap The Walking Dead?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      I’ve been slowly catching up to The Walking Dead and I wanna recap it too! So many television recaps, so little time. ^_^

  9. Default avatar Anon November 15th, 2013 / Friday

    Why did you stop doing recaps?

  10. Default avatar Melody December 15th, 2013 / Sunday

    You bashing on Wren is what gives me life!

  11. Default avatar Emily August 12th, 2015 / Wednesday

    Loved the haircuts!

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