Season 3 Episode 2, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Blood Is the New Black

The pretty little liars find out a secret about Jenna; Aria went on a mad goth rampage; Ezra and Emily scenes are AWKWARD HEAVEN.

It’s official. Pretty Little Liars has gone down the shitter. Literally.

I usually try to avoid toiler humour in this site (since my recaps are just too fucking intellectual and classy), but whose bright idea was it to include an up-camera shot of a floating object inside a toilet bowl? Hands down, this has to be the most unfortunate and least flattering camera angle I’ve ever seen on the show. C’mon PLL, no one wants to see that shit. *PUN INTENDED*

The floater in question is actually a ~*friendship necklace*~ courtesy of A. It’s made out of HUMAN TEETH (not rly confirmed, but let’s go with the worst case scenario) that spell out the words “DEAD GIRLS CANT SMILE”. The most disgusting thing on display here is the lack of adherence to basic punctuation rules, since I guess A was too cheap to buy an extra letter block with an apostrophe on it.

Spencer: Guys, these probably aren’t even human.
Hanna: They’re totally human!
Spencer: How do you know?
Hanna: Because I worked at a dentist’s office, Spencer!
Spencer: …for two days, answering phones.

*lol* And don’t forget that Hanna actually spent half her time trying to steal documents in the adjacent office.

The pretty little liars were hilarious in this scene as they bickered back and forth over the teeth necklace. I loved Aria being especially obtuse and morbid while Emily had a major meltdown beside her.

Aria: Are those teeth!?
Emily: CAN WE JUST GET RID OF IT???
Aria: Are they Alison’s!?
Emily: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE!!!
Aria: It wasn’t enough to skew her bones? Now we’re gonna get pieces of her delivered to us!?
Emily: D: D: D:

Speaking of meltdowns, Emily continues to be this miserable killjoy with a mentality of LET ME TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. It has only been two episodes but I’m already sick and tired of Emily acting like the victim all the time. I think the other pretty little liars are getting fed up with her indulgent pity parties too, so it’s only a matter of time before one of the girls (I’m guessing Hanna) has a go at her for being such a mopey sulky buzzkill cow.

Anyway, this scene continues to grow more ridiculous when Aria starts saying sensible things like “let’s call the police!” & “we need to keep this necklace as evidence!” which is just BIZARREBALLS because when the fuck did she become the voice of reason on this show? Of course, the one time that Aria actually displays some coherent logical thought, the other girls behave like irrational idiots and somehow the teeth necklace ends up slammed dunk inside the toilet.

But wait, this is not just any ordinary toilet! Oh nooo, Aria claims this is a STATE-OF-THE-ART NEXT GENERATION TOILET WITH HI-TECH AUTO DETECTING SENSORS THAT WILL FLUSH BASED ON HYPER MOTION SENSITIVITY!!!

Bloody hell, it’s a barely functioning toilet in a public high school restroom, not a fucking Wii console. The students are lucky if this thing doesn’t get clogged by the end of the week.

Lo and behold, the school bell rings all of a sudden, and then the toilet automatically flushes the teeth necklace down to the sewers. Imagine that for a moment. Would you want to sit on a toilet that will respond every single time at the sound of a ringing bell? Imagine if it has the same sensitivity to other bodily noises. Going to the washroom suddenly becomes a timed adventure, because you never know when the next flush will come!

Hanna: It wasn’t like we were going to hand it to the cops.
Aria: I wanted to! We could have found out who sent it to us. There were fingerprints on that necklace!
Emily: *sarcastically* Ya, mine.

I love it when they cut down Aria even though she’s trying to act smart. Poor bb. *pats her head* I also think it’s funny that they started worrying about fingerprints three seasons into this show. We must have gone through over a hundred pieces of evidence touched by A’s grubby little paws, and this is seriously the first time they took forensics into consideration. Which was immediately dismissed 3 seconds later. *lol*

LOL~~~ Is Jenna still pretending to be blind? Goodness gracious, five months have passed by and the bitch is still keeping up this charade for god knows why. (SRSLY, why is she faking it!?) Nonetheless, her faux blindness does prompt some bitchy speculation from the pretty little liars.

Spencer: I still think it’s REALLY SHADY that she didn’t get back from music camp until the first day of school.
Aria: Is it just me, or is she blinder than she was last year?

Throwing shade at a blind girl’s handicap – nice one, Aria.

Jenna asks Aria to accompany her in a music performance (ARIA IS SO ARTSY, REMEMBAH?), but Aria makes up some bullshit excuse to blow her off. Of course, she tells a very clumsy lie in the way that only Aria can, by stammering nervously and spewing out a half-truth in every other word.

Aria: Oh Jenna, I would love to accompany you but…I’m too busy…helping my dad…with this thing…and he’s actually standing over there…well, you are supposed to be blind, but I’m gonna point my finger in that direction anyway…so yeah I gotta go. *hurries away*

I love her re-enactment of the conversation afterwards, which is quite different from the reality that took place. Conveniently, Aria left out the part where she makes an utter twat out of herself.

Hanna: *over the phone* She invited you!? To that house!? What’d you say!?
Aria: I said NO FREAKING WAY! *pauses* …to myself. But to her, I just said I was busy.

Aria also has an unpleasant encounter with her father’s mistress, Meredith, at high school of all places. Apparently, she’s applying for a teaching position here. Oh lordy. You gotta have no shame, dignity or humility to attend the same school as your lover’s wife and children. Meredith = classless homewrecking whore.

However, I think it’s great that all these pre-existing antagonistic characters are moving to the same high school as the pretty little liars. First Jason, then Kate, and now Meredith. Soon, these hallways are gonna be one major battle royale clusterfuck. Let the catfights begin!

FLASHBACK TIME: After catching Papa Montgomery with his pants down, Alison and Aria sneaked into his office to do some more dirt digging, where they eventually located a pair of earrings on his couch. Oh my!

On a related note, I can only imagine what kind of fashion accessories that Aria left behind in Ezra’s couch last season. One fumble on the sofa and you can probably collect enough supplies to open up a small jewellery boutique.

Since it was Alison who found the earrings, there’s a very likely possibility that she planted the fake evidence just to stir up drama. I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an underhanded stunt like this.

Alison: Honey, I’m sure she shed a lot more than that. You’ll probably find her panties in the mini-fridge. *evil smirk*

Young Aria reacted to her father’s adultery with the maturity of a four-year-old child throwing a tantrum. Not that I really blame her under the circumstances, but the bitch went FUCKING BALLISTIC and began trashing her father’s office from top to bottom. Her pink hair goth rage was actually cracktastic and kinda awesome, so it made me like Aria’s character a little bit more. :D

My favourite part about the flashback was the present Aria looking back at her former self with so much shade and embarrassment, even though this event only happened like two years ago? So, one ought to wonder what a 19-year-old Aria would think when she looks back at her relationship with Ezra two years from now. *hands on chin*

A gives Aria a single earring as a cryptic reminder of what happened during that flashback. Our tormenter must be in a fanciful mood this episode, because necklaces and earrings – that’s already more jewellery than what the PLL love interests have given to their girlfriends on any occasion!

This earring is also special because it was buried as a keepsake in Alison’s casket, which confirms that her body is now under A’s possession. The jury is still out about those teeth on the necklace, but the thought of Alison being a toothless corpse just fills me up with horrific delight~

Aria: Dad, will you sit down? I need to tell you something.
Byron: *thinking* OMG. This is totally gonna be the pregnancy announcement, isn’t it? D:

A tries to blackmail Aria with the earring (as if the police would give a shit about an earring that links to a teenage tantrum from eons ago) and she immediately caves to the pressure by telling her dad everything that happened. *smh* No wonder A doesn’t torture Aria that often. It’s like taking the challenge away from the sport.

Unfortunately, I can’t even rag on Aria too much because her dad is such a fucking douchebag of epic proportions. After hearing the truth, Papa Montgomery demanded his DAUGHTER to apologize to his MISTRESS, while completely overlooking the fact that it was his indiscretions that caused her to act out in distress. WTF!? Can you believe this asshole!? You’ve got to be a pretty shitty father to place a homewrecking whore’s feelings over your own child’s. Ugh, Byron needs to go *diaf*.

Aria mumbles a half-hearted apology to Meredith who’s all like *half-head tilt + evilface*. However, she says that the earring doesn’t belong to her, which means: a.) Alison planted fake evidence in the office, or b.) Papa Montgomery banged other mistresses on the sly. Or c.) Knowing this show, it’s probably gonna be both. Or d.) Those were Alison’s earrings because she was screwing Aria’s father all along!!! :O :O :O

I feel a little bad for Aria in this episode, so I’m gonna say something nice about her for once. I LOVED that belt-strap dress she was wearing at the beginning of the episode. It looked so cute on her! ($180 big bucks, bitches~)

Granted, Aria has to go through twenty ridiculous outfits before she wears something that vaguely resembles normal human clothes, but this dress was still a big triumph among many of her head-scratching fashion choices in the past. *stamp of approval*

Apparently, Emily is at risk of flunking in school, so Aria comes up with this idea of getting her a private tutor (green light! :D) who happens to be Ezra. (RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT!!! D:)

Aria: Why don’t you just call Ezra? He can be your tutor! ^_^
Spencer: Awkward~~~
Aria: No, it’s not!
Emily: Aria, I can’t think of him as Mr. Fitz anymore. Okay, I’ve seen his underwear drawer.
Aria: Those were his socks!
Spencer: Why would his socks have a flap in the middle?

Obviously, Emily and Ezra’s first tutoring sesh was like AWKWARD HEAVEN. They were shaking hands, and you can just imagine what Emily must be thinking at this moment: “I know that hand has been inside my friend’s vagina, oh dear god please help me.”

Things get even more uncomfortable when Ezra tells an unfunny joke and then, being such a smooth operator, he brings up Maya’s death within thirty seconds of their small talk. *lmao* I was cringing so much during this scene that it almost feels like I was having a seizure.

Is Emily paying him for these sessions? Because the so-called tutoring comprises of Ezra telling her to listen to some music in preparation for an English exam. Nonetheless, she actually does pretty well in the test, until the writers decide this is a convenient time to activate her plot driven memory disorder. CUE FLASHBACK!

In her hazy memory, Emily recalls seeing Jenna who drove her boozy ass to the cemetery on that fateful night. Yikes, if I saw this evil mug in the middle of writing an exam, my mind would go completely blank too!

Emily wasn’t able to finish the exam due to her mini meltdown, but this is where the plot takes an interesting turn. Her English teacher, Mama Montgomery, felt so bad for Emily that she actually filled out the empty test answers for her!!! *ooh scandalous* I know what so many students are thinking right now: “OMG BEST TEACHER EVER. Where can I find a damn teacher that will finish my tests for me!?”

Since A is on top of all unethical acts committed by any character on the show, this plot is obviously gonna resurface and cause some juicy drama down the line. For the time being, Mama Montgomery is being transparent as hell as she tries to convey her dubious methods to Ezra.

Ella: There’s no need for her to take the test again, Ezra. I UNDERSTAND what she’s gone through. Emily did VERY WELL. We’re all ROOTING for her to succeed.

*lol* I thought she was gonna give him a wink and a nudge at the end of her sentence. This bitch is almost the worst liar on the show, only second to Aria.

By the way, this means both Montgomery parents are now ~*cheaters*~ in one way or another. So, what great role models Ella and Byron are. No wonder their children ended up so normal and well-adjusted.

U GUISE, WE NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT & DISCUSS HANNA’S EARRINGS. What is up with those freakishly long spaghetti strings that she attached to her ears? I’m not even exaggerating, but those things were hanging from her earlobes and reached all the way to her rack. They just kept swinging back and forth like two giant pendulums. So every time Hanna tilted her head, I think she caused a minor rift in the earth’s rotation system.

I blame the earrings for Hanna’s UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE ISSUES in this episode. From my understanding, it’s usually the people locked inside the nuthouse who tend to throw chairs, no?

Hanna: You know what, Mona!? If I told the police that you mauled me down with your car, you would not be here getting a piece of peach pie every day to wash down your meds! You would be sharing a jail cell with someone calling you peach pie while you braid her back hair! God, Mona, you owe me! Alright, you have made my life a nightmare! YOU OWE ME!
Mona: …… :|

I’ve come around from last episode and decided that I actually appreciate Mona’s newly catatonic state. It’s a little subdued, but her face has the ‘bitch please’ expression written all over it. Like, every time the PLL say or do something stupid, I can just use this screenshot of the MONA FACE to sum up all my feelings about them.

Literally one second after Hanna threw the chair in a fit of rage, Wren comes bursting into the room for an intervention. This might be just a directing or editing issue, but holy crap that was some quick response! It almost makes me think Wren was outside the door eavesdropping in their conversation this whole time! O_o

We discover more quirky little facts about Wren, who talks about how he threw a bowl of soup at his nutjob father or something. I guess he was trying to relate to Hanna since they both like to throw random shit everywhere.

More importantly, when is the inevitable Hanna x Wren romantic tension gonna happen? Because I’ve a hard time believing that two young heterosexual characters of opposite sex can become platonic acquaintances on an ABC Family show. That just goes against the core principles of the network where EVERYONE MUST HOOK UP. It doesn’t help that Wren is constantly *eyefucking* Hanna during their scenes together, so I think his next sexual conquest is in the cards.

Caleb better watch out, because there are some trust issues brewing between him and Hanna since the season started. I mean, this was his girlfriend’s reaction after he dropped the ILU bomb on her. Not the most enthusiastic reaction, is it?

Caleb: Because I love you, and I don’t want us sneaking around each other.

Hanna: Ho hum. *hand on chin*

Also, Hanna is lying to her boyfriend about these regular visits to the nuthouse because…I dunno. Why won’t she just be honest with him? This is almost as unnecessarily pointless of a lie as Jenna pretending to be blind. Whatever.

Things aren’t looking too good for poor Caleb, since Wren has a proven track record of torpedoing through previously stable relationships. Remember the time when Spencer said “I already have a boyfriend~” and then Wren was like “Tell that to me again when I’m ramming my tongue down your throat a few episodes later~” He’s pretty much like the male Meredith of the show.

His first conversation with Caleb was hilariously awkward, by the way.

Wren: From what I’ve gathered, coming here has been a great source of conflict for her.
Caleb: She has spoken to you about this?
Wren: *gloating* She has! We talked about patience and compassion. It seems like the other day was a bit of a turning point for her. She’s just coming to terms with all the anger tied to ambiguous loss.

Wow. They talked about *patience* and *compassion*. Deep stuff, man. However, I think Wren might have embellished his version of the story a little, because the actual conversation that took place resembled something like this:

Hanna: ugh y is mona such a bitch?
Wren: ya crazy ppl. oh btw, u wanna hear about how i threw soup in my daddy’s face?

Another point of amusement for me is how Wren and Hanna keep overusing the phrase *AMBIGUOUS LOSS* like it’s supposed to mean something profound. Because part of being a doctor is putting words that wouldn’t be commonly seen together, and then referring to it a clinical term.

In her next visit, Hanna leaves the chairs alone and decides to give Mona an EXTREME GLAM MAKEOVER instead. Just because you’re stuck inside a mental institution with jail bars and four brick walls, it doesn’t mean you can’t look fab!

Mona: You’re getting them again, aren’t you? The texts.

Yay for progress! She said eight words! Count ’em and weep! Of course, Mona didn’t say anything that we didn’t already know, so she might as well have used those eight words to say “Bitch, bring me a face mask next time.”

Oh, Mona also pokes her index finger with a hairpin until it bleeds or something? Hey don’t judge, you must find ways to entertain yourself when you’re a certified crazypants!

By the way, Toby’s hair is OUT OF CONTROL this season. It transforms into a different shape in every scene we’ve seen him so far. Some days, it’s obvious they poured a bucket of hair gel over his head before filming a shot. Other days, it’s like his skull was pressed against a steaming iron for hours. Like, his hair is practically abstract art at this point.

Mama Hastings cockblocks the two of them just when Spoby are getting all hot and steamy with each other. She invites Toby for dinner, and we get this great subtle moment of Spencer *pinching* his thigh as she squeezes a reluctant ‘yes’ reply out of him.

Spencer is such a puppetmaster. *lol* Not that there were any doubts about who called the shots in their relationship though.

Mama Hastings flips the fuck out after learning that her daughter has been meeting with a man accused of murdering two teenage girls, so she forbids Spencer from having these little chats with him in prison.

Spencer: Is Rosewood safe now that one dangerous man is locked up? Because Garrett was already in jail when Ali’s grave was dug up.
Veronica: If you’re implying that he got helpful friends on the outside, that’s even more of a reason not to see him. People might think that’s you. DON’T YOU EVER GO THERE AGAIN! Am I clear!?
Spencer: ya ok roger that ^_^

…whoops. Well, at least her parental authority lasted for a good twenty minutes before Spencer came a-runnin’ back for her next jail visit.

Unfortunately for her, Garrett is now *smug* and *smirky* because Mama Hastings decided to defend his legal case after all. Of course, he refuses to communicate any information that might move the plot forward, although he does give her a cryptic warning: “Somebody you know well has you completely fooled. People lie, but medical records don’t.” …which can refer to pretty much any character on this show, so whatever gator.

During the final scene of the episode, Spencer comes up with an idea to spy on Jenna in the washroom like pretty little perverts. Hanna is practically rubbing lubricant on her hand at the very prospect. Do you can recall the last time she confronted Jenna inside a washroom? Let’s just say the epic bitchslap that took place had sent vibrations across some small islands in Asia.

Hanna: Wait, what are you doing!? Do I get to slap her again?
Spencer: No!
Me: HELLLLL TO THE YESSSSS!!!!!

At first, Jenna keeps up the blind charade even when she thinks she’s alone in the washroom…

…but then, Jenna was like *OOH SPARKLY THING~* when Aria’s earring caught her eye. Bitch got busted!!!

Finding out that Jenna is not actually blind comes as a great shock to our pretty little liars. Especially Aria, who reacts to the news with her usual

*ARIA EYES O_O*

Except that we only get to see half her face through the cracks of the washroom stall, so her expression resembles something like this:

*SINGLE ARIA EYE O-*

Hanna: I KNEW IT! That is it! I’m going in for way more than a slap!
Aria: I’m ready to hang a sign – “BITCH CAN SEE!!!”

Oh my god, these bitches are so vindictive! Considering everything that happened between them, you’d think they might react to the news with a tiny smidge of sympathy (i.e. “hooray, the girl that we blinded can finally see again!”) but nooo, they’re ready to go after Jenna with pitchforks, burning torches, and other lethal weapons such as Hanna’s bitchslapping hand.

Spencer: You guys, she doesn’t know that we know. We don’t let her know. Not yet. We can use this…and we will!

Of course, Spencer suggests that they drag out this storyline to maximize the potential drama. So now we got one girl pretending to be blind, and four other girls pretending not to know about it. Only on this show can they make such pointless drama seem so compelling. I, for one, can’t wait to see how all this inanity will play out!

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16 Responses

  1. Default avatar Unknown June 17th, 2012 / Sunday

    “safety hazard” – haha. Hanna once again shows up Aria in the wardrobe malfunction department, while Aria had some of the greatest lines this episode, aside from her agreeing to apologize to homewrecker, of course. Guess with Emily's gf's out of the pic, the screenwriters had time for Aria's dialogue? Me liking the new-and-improved Aria – keep her coming! – nic

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      All the girls have some srs fashion mishaps here and there, but Hanna and Aria seem like the worst offenders. Hanna is mostly hit or miss but Aria is just downright RIDICULOUS.

      I was surprised by how likable Aria seemed this episode. It actually feels out of character for her to behave so sane and normal. *lol*

  2. Default avatar Anonymous June 17th, 2012 / Sunday

    “So every time Hanna tilted her head, I think she caused a minor rift in the earth's rotation system.”

    THAT'S BRILLIANT. XDD

    ~ANoelle~

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      Heh heh. Those earrings should come with a hazard warning, srsly.

  3. Default avatar Sabs June 17th, 2012 / Sunday

    I actually want Wren to seduce Hanna, but I want Hanna to shut him DOWN after he does it! I feel like Haleb is going to be the next couple that's going to get shaken up. I actually loved how Spencer handled the whole gravedigging bit in the last episode, girlfriend knew what she was doing! Unlike Aria and Hanna. and did you hear? Bianca Lawson is going to guest star on Teen Wolf, as an adult for once!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      Yeah I doubt Wrennah will be any more than a short term fling. He doesn't seem like the type to stop his manwhoring rampage and settle down any time soon.

      I love that Bianca Lawson died in PLL just so she can be incarnated on another show. Girlfriend is EVERYWHERE!

  4. Default avatar valery rice June 18th, 2012 / Monday

    hahaha i totally loved it specially ARIA EYE O-* hahahaha u r the best!! and i loved the part about Hannas earnings when i was watching this episode i was thinking what u gonnna say about those hahaa

    • Default avatar Recap Everything July 12th, 2012 / Thursday

      I watch Pretty Little Liars just for the *ARIA EYES O_O*. They make the show for me, even if we only get a glimpse of it through a restroom stall!

  5. Default avatar Anonymous June 18th, 2012 / Monday

    They can keep the fake blind thing going forever like that episode of Friends “She doesn't know we know she knows that we know!”

    Lets see if the blind girl is really blind by hiding four people in two stalls, maybe she won't notice why the all the feet are so close to the door or the eyeballs poking out between the doors. I also like Jenna having to remove her glasses to see. What did she put duct tape over the lens? She did that when she was seeing if Aria's dad was across the street too. Or the writers think we're stupid and needed to be reminded that Jenna ninja smacked a fly in the finale 3 months ago!

    The writers should take note all the times Aria was awesome she wasn't thinking, talking, dreaming or whining about Ezra.

    Caleb's boring so bring on homewrecking Wren! I know others like the perfect boyfriends but I don't watch this show for realism, I watch it for everyone in Rosewood is crazy, creepy, shady, evil or a mixture of all four.

  6. Default avatar Leo June 20th, 2012 / Wednesday

    Bring on Wren-Hanna! Caleb is such a snooze-fest. Seriously, that guy is even worse than Ezra when it comes to all-good and morality.
    And I love this new Aria. Bitch can see!
    Plus, man, I really adore that hitech-toilet. Sound activated? Oh man, I wanna go to Rosewood High!

    p.s.: Still waiting for the first Mike Montgomery scene in Season 3!!! >.>

    • Default avatar Anonymous June 20th, 2012 / Wednesday

      He made a small appearance in the broken family portrait.

    • Default avatar Leo June 21st, 2012 / Thursday

      I know. I just want his pound of flesh on my tv screen. Lol. And cast news in the future! Noel Kahn's brother is coming to town and we all know what that meant! A love interest for Mike Montgomery <3

  7. Default avatar Anonymous June 20th, 2012 / Wednesday

    Byron was indeed such a bastard! How can he ask his daughter to apologize to his ex-mistress when he's the cause of his marraige's failure? Aria was stupid to tell him that she trashed his office to begin with (A's blackmail was a bit forced but I guess he/she knew that Aria was dumb enough to fall into the trap); but she was even more stupid to accept his demands. Damn if I was her, I would have told him: “Stop lecturing me, how dare you ask me to do that knowing that you banged her in your office and that I was traumatized when I saw you both cuddling in our car?? And now this bitch is going to work in my school? In my mother's school? Hello?? You should let me see Ezra as much as I want, now get lost!” (although I find Ezria unbearable but from her prespective, it would be an objective comment).

    As for Wren, is he like most 25-year old boys in this town, i.e. being attracted to underage girls only? Seriously??

    I'm quite surprised to see that Hanna can visit Monna so easily and that Spencer is also allowed to visit an inmate who is accused of killing young girls… without an adult… You obviously can go to the local prison and say “Hi you guys, I just want to see the guy who killed my best friend, here's my ID by the way, ha ha ha!”.

    Y.

  8. Default avatar Anonymous June 30th, 2012 / Saturday

    3×03? D:

  9. Default avatar Jane September 29th, 2014 / Monday

    Amazing recap, but with one little bug :)
    It’s Spencer who’s doing *Aria’s eye*, just sayin’ :)

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