Season 3 Episode 17, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno

Ezra finally finds out about his bastard son; Alison might be preggos too; Hanna gets hit on by a chick.

Wait, what’s this!? For a moment there, I thought some overzealous Spoby fans must have taken the PLL production crew hostage and forced them to insert a romantic scene with their favourite couple.

This episode begins with a ~*sex dream*~ where Spencer & Toby are still 2gether 4ever. I find it very telling that Spencer doesn’t dream about holding hands with Toby, or having deep meaningful conversations with him while gazing into his soulful eyes. No, there’s none of that sentimental bullcrap, because mama is too busy getting downright filthy! It’s good to know that *molesting his body* and *unzipping his jeans* are the two things that Spencer will miss most about Toby.

Her sex dream takes a dark and unexpected turn when Toby sudden transforms into A, and his black gloved hands are now strangling her to death!!! Inappropriate response in 3…2…1…but that’s kinda hot! For some people, this would be considered a masochistic sexual fantasy. I’m not surprised that Spencer has a secret kinky side to her that enjoys being dominated in the bedroom. It’s always the uptight girls who have the most perverse desires. ;D

Hanna: Are you still recovering from the anniversary dinner? ;)
Spencer: Yeah. Uh, yeah…
Aria: Was he surprised? :)
Spencer: Mm-hmm. It was a really big surprise.

Excuse me, what did Hanna think their anniversary night entails that requires recovery on the morning after? She makes the sex sound like it was so exhausting, as if Spencer’s body would be sore and possibly bruised all over the place. Don’t forget this is the same girl who encouraged her friend to pleasure her man with five-inch heels on. All I can say is that when Hanna’s anniversary finally comes, Caleb better have a couple packs of condoms ready by the bedroom end table!

Hanna: WHY DO YOU THINK I NEED PROTECTION!?

…oh my, somebody is rather adventurous. I guess Caleb needn’t bother with the purchase then, since Hanna clearly gets her meats from the supermarket without wrapping it in plastic. :O

Lately, Hanna must be feeling sexually frustrated since her loser of a boyfriend cares more about stalking A than spending any time with her.

Hanna: Can we get together tonight? You could come over, or we could go somewhere.
Caleb: Sorry. Can’t.
Hanna: What about tomorrow?
Caleb: Not sure. I’ll get back to you.

“Get together.” (Grinding time!) “Come over.” (…my body!) “Go somewhere.” (To orgasm land!) Does Caleb know how to read between the lines? Dude, your girlfriend is practically giving you an open invitation to her vajizzle! The least you can do is to show some interest!

Hanna: WHY DO YOU THINK I NEED PROTECTION!?
Ashley: …I meant to protect your education. Is there something else I need to know about!?

The real context here is re: Mama Marin speculates that Hanna is still being tormented by Mona. She wants Principal Tambourine to *protect* her daughter at school with a restraining order or summat, but Hanna gets aggro and goes all: “UGH YOU AND CALEB. WHY DO THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME ALWAYS WANT TO PROTECT ME FROM HARM!? SO ANNOYING UGH UGH UGH.”

Mama Marin was also concerned about her daughter’s broken arm, which leads to this amusing exchange.

Ashley: Your arm is still bothering you? Don’t you think it’s something a doctor should take a look at?
Hanna: Mom, seriously, I’m fine. I can type with one hand.
Ashley: *glances at the kitchen sink* Well, clearly, you need two to wash a pot.
Hanna: *defensive* Typing is not scraping!

The doctor’s diagnosis is in: Hanna’s arm is fully functional, but she might be suffering from a case of lazybitchitis.

Hanna: Caleb is being really weird. Every time I try to make plans with him, he says he’s busy, but he won’t tell me what he’s doing.
Aria: Why don’t you just ask him? Be honest.
Hanna: Wow! It’s like the world’s fattest man giving dieting tips. Hello, you’re the one sitting on a secret the size of a natterhorn!
Aria: If you’re talking about Fitz and the kid, I’m going to tell him today!

Thank you, Hanna, for effectively calling out Aria on her total bullshit. This bitch is in no position to tell anybody to “be honest” with their loved ones. Look at the mirror lately, Aria?

Look at the mirror lately? The answer to that rhetorical question is evidently no, or else Aria wouldn’t have walked out of the house wearing jewellery from the production line of a metal refinery plant.

Remember how Aria broke a mirror to defend herself against Meredith in the last episode? She must have glued the broken pieces back together and made a necklace out of it instead. TBH, I was kinda scared about that triangle gizmo she’s wearing around her neck. Let’s say Aria trips over and falls down, that necklace looks like it could impale her windpipe and possibly slice off her entire head! O_O

Meredith is doing just fine and dandy, now that she’s heavily medicated and tied up in a straightjacket somewhere far, far away. Sadly, I’m afraid this is the last time we’ll acknowledge her existence on the show before her character falls off the face of the earth.

Byron: I just got off the phone with Meredith’s father. It turns out Meredith has a long history of…issues.

YA THINK??? It’d be hilarious to hear how else Meredith’s crazy had manifested in the past. She does seem like an ~*experienced professional*~ at drugging and imprisoning teenage girls in their own homes.

Byron: We wanted to see her treated. That is still what we want?
Aria: Yeah, but can she be treated in another state? Like Alaska?

I love how Aria thinks that’s where all the crazy people are shipped to. LEAVE ALASKA ALONE OKAY? They’re still recovering from the Palin fiasco, and they don’t need any more banshees tarnishing their good reputation!

Papa Montgomery apologizes by giving a long-winded speech about fireplaces and Baby Aria rolling around in a ball of sweaters. She doesn’t say anything in response, but her reaction was very *sympathetic eyes* and *forgiving smile* from what I can tell, so I think this whole drama will be brushed under the carpet in a couple of episodes.

Do you guys forgive Papa Montgomery for being such a shitty father, husband & human being in general? BC I DON’T AND I NEVER WILL. Let it be known that every time Byron makes an appearance in my recaps from now on, there is an unspoken implication that I wish a fiery and painful death upon him. :-)

Remember how Paige and Caleb teamed up to secretly plot against A? Well, Hanna immediately found out what they are up to. Yes, we’re talking about the same girl oblivious enough to walk into a fake job interview and ended up in a mannequin attack instead. If she, of all people, managed to find out about your covert operations, then omgfail you must be doing everything wrong!

In addition, Caleb’s brilliant plan to take down The A Team involves outrageous stunts such as… putting a cow’s brain in Mona’s locker. Oh my god, even Lucas inflicted more damage by setting a school building on fire. If he, of all people, managed to outdo you in the intimidation department, then omgfail just give up and don’t even try anymore!

Hanna follows Paige to a bar where all the ladies are lezzzzing it up. Paige was seen talking to some hot chick, aka. Shana, that girl from the PLL web series which nobody bothered to watch.

Hanna: Paige might not be a one-girl kind of girl. She was hooking up with someone there and Emily has no clue!

Shana might be a bit giggly and flirty at times, but the two of them were just platonically hanging out. According to Hanna, however, those sluts were having wild wet lesbian sex out in the open. *lolwtf* In what way was Paige hooking up with this girl, I honestly do not know? It’s like Hanna saw two lesbos together and just assumed that an invisible mating ritual must be taking place.

Also, Hanna gets hit on by this fabulous gurl who likes what she sees, ooh yeah. SHE BE TAPPING DAT~~~ ;-)

Unfortunately, she won’t be tapping dat any time soon because this gurl happens to have a girlfriend, who does not respond to Hanna’s existence very kindly.

Jealous GF: WHO IS THIS PEROXIDE PIECE OF TRASH!?!? *throws drink*
Hanna: =O =O =O

FYI, I’m ready for Hanna to ditch Caleb and go full-fledged girl-on-girl. Just imagine, her romantic subplots would be so much more fun this way.

Hanna got busted for being an underage minor at a bar, and then Mama Marin freaks out because she thinks her daughter is going through an ~*experimental phase*~ with her sexuality.

Hanna: I did not order a cocktail. And I only danced with that girl who thought I was into pink drinks because I didn’t want Paige to see me!
Ashley: WHAT’S A PINK DRINK!? Is that code for something gay!?

LMAO~ To be fair, “Can I buy you a pink drink?” should only be uttered from one gay person to another in most circumstances, so I don’t think Mama Marin is that far off the mark there.

Sidebar: I do not know any sensible girl who would wear their high heels on a staircase inside their own home. YOU ARE DESTROYING THE CARPETING, HANNA!!! X_X

Meanwhile, Emily receives a mysterious package in the mail…

Emily: (checks info) James family? I don’t know a James family in Chicago!

The name is James, Lyndon James. Truthfully, I had the same reaction as Emily at first, even after the Previously on Pretty Little Liars segment kindly reminded me about his existence just minutes before. Poor Nate St. Germain, already long forgotten in PLL canon. :-(

Emily opens the mysterious package and inside she finds… MAYA’S BLOODY SEVERED HEAD ON A STICK!!!

JK! No, it only contains something lame like Alison’s belongings that Maya found or Lyndon stole or whatever. I think his family sent this stuff to Emily so they can stir up terrible memories and cause her even more irrecoverable emotional trauma. The package mostly consists of fluffy girly stuff & useless birthday cards, although it was morbidly hilarious to read some of Emily’s messages to Alison, such as: “It’s gonna be a great year for you, Ali!” and “I hope we get to share many more birthdays!” A little bit of gallows humour there, eh? *lol*

The package also contains a ~*notebook*~ where Alison left behind more of her banal thoughts and opinions in written form. She was actually conversing with somebody inside the notebook, so I guess these were back in the days when text messaging was not an accessible option, and people had to communicate with just ink and paper. How primitive of them!

Here’s what we found out from the notebook:

FACT #1: First of all, we learned that Toby is not planning to wear a shirt again for the rest of the season. We sat through THREE consecutive episodes where this guy got shirtless one way or another. First he’s sweaty after a jog, then he just came out of a shower, and now he decided not to button up his shirt simply because he doesn’t feel like it! His aversion to clothing is getting worrisome and indicative of a serious medical disorder. Here’s my business card to a new support group called Shirtless Anonymous. Please seek help and get clothed soon.

FACT #2: TOBY IN DAT DO-RAG PMSLMAO~~~ I didn’t know he went through a phase where he became a hardcore pimp!? This might be the best characterization in Pretty Little Liars since they inserted that pink streak in Aria’s hair, because dude is rocking the headwear. Toby seriously puts the A in gangsta, waddup!

FACT #3: During a flashback, we learned that Alison suspected Toby was A long before the writers knew, although he won’t admit to threatening her.

Toby: You know what!? I wish I knew who wrote those notes. I’d offer my services. You and your posse deserve a lot worse.

FACT #4: As per usual, Alison tries to hit on anything with a pulse, so she gets flirty with Toby and taunts him for not kissing her while he had the chance. His reaction was very telling since he kept stealing glances at her lips. Eeeek yikes, ew gross, Toby is forever ruined for me. :-(

Jenna isn’t even on the show anymore and they still manage to sneak in a couple of digs about blind people. Hit it with your best shot, Alison!

Toby: Why are you so convinced that it’s me? Pretty sure Jenna would love to see your head on a stick.
Alison: Jenna would be pretty happy to see anything, I imagine.

&
Alison: She’s still combing her hair with an electric toothbrush.

At this point, even Satan is looking at Alison and going like: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. :(”

FACT #5: At first, the pretty little liars couldn’t figure out who was talking to Alison in the notebook. (“Oh em gee, this handwriting looks SO familiar but I CANNOT identify who wrote it! Let’s analyze the way she writes her g’s and her t’s!” Girls please. It’s just some bitch’s handwriting. Stop acting like these are fingerprints that you can take to the laboratory for forensic testing.)

However, it isn’t like there’s an abundance of female characters who are on good speaking terms with Alison, so the other person is obviously Cece. I mean, who else could it be? Alison’s long lost twin sister can’t be the answer to every mystery on the show, ok!?

FACT #6: The major reveal in this episode was that Alison got pregnant before she died!!! Or at least she was two weeks late for her period, which according to television logic means “LOL U DEFINITELY PREGGOS BITCH~ START PICKING OUT BABY NAMES~~~”

Oh my god, can you imagine the atrocious monstrosity that would have been Alison’s offspring!? I’m talking about a demon spawn born with devil horns, toxic fangs, and a giant lizard tail. Even Rosemary’s baby would be like, “Well, let me climb back into my mother’s womb because humanity doesn’t deserve to have this much evil inflicted upon them!”

Season 3 of Pretty Little Liars is definitely the season of surprise pregnancies. These babies are popping up all over the place like acne, man. First Maggie, now Alison, and soon comes Aria with a baby carriage. Surely, all of these pregnancy announcements are just paving the way for an Ezria baby at the end of the season? I have such a strong intuition about this storyline, you guys. And I will eat my hat if Aria doesn’t get knocked up by the time of the season finale. ^_^

By the way, who else thinks Cece is a SHADY BITCH for withholding this pregnancy information until now? She knew one of Alison’s biggest secrets before her death, yet she didn’t mention this to her family, or her friends, or the police (or at least not anyone that we know of atm.) Come to think of it, her character has been strangely detached and nonchalant about Alison’s murder investigation. You’d think she might get extra worked up knowing that her friend died with a bun in the oven, but her attitude has been kinda like *lolrly* about everything that happened.

FACT #7: Emily’s shoulders tell Aria that the *dead baby* might not display in Alison’s autopsy report if she was really early in her pregnancy (according to the reliable sources on the Internet.) I don’t even know if that’s scientifically accurate or not, but you can tell the writers are obviously covering their tracks here, just in case some nitpicky viewers point out the narrative discrepancies between Season 1 and Season 3.

In fact, every time PLL introduces a new element to Alison’s murder investigation, they always have to include some explanation about why this detail wasn’t mentioned three seasons ago. That’s what happens when you craft a fucking convoluted plot that has gone completely out of control.

FACT #8: In her notebook, Alison talks about an unidentified “beach hottie” who may possibly be the father of her child. Apparently, anybody who visits Cape May at any point in their lives is considered a viable suspect, which explains why Detective Wilden is suddenly under suspicion. It’s actually hilarious because Emily saw a photograph of Wilden in Cape May, and she automatically comes to the conclusion of: “OMG he must have visited the exact same place at the exact same time that Alison got pregnant! No other explanations necessary!”

And I’m sorry for pointing out the obvious, but the guy to Wilden’s right has a serious case of the gayface. Let’s just say that he looks like he has experience holding a different kind of *head* in the male anatomy department.

Emily’s mom began working at the police precinct this episode. The funniest part about her new job is seeing how much Mama Fields hates Detective Wilden. She seriously despises the guy. From the moment he sat on her desk to start a friendly conversation, she looked so visibly agitated and wore this permanent stankface around him. At one point, she even interrupted Wilden mid-sentence just to tell him to kindly fuck off lmao.

Nonetheless, Detective Wilden steamrolled his way through this one-sided conversation and recited his entire life story even though nobody asked for it. He mostly talked about killing someone in self-defense yet the trauma still haunts him years later or whatever.

Hey, Detective Wilden? I know being in law enforcement is a stressful job, but Pam was not hired to be the new police therapist. If you’d like someone to listen to your inane ramblings, I can recommend several hotlines that will gladly listen to your brand of bullshit, but please leave your poor colleague alone during her first day on the job!

BTW, how obvious is it that Detective Wilden wants to TAP. DAT. ASS. Let’s not pretend that he opened up about his ~*emotional vulnerability*~ for any reason other than a classic cougar trap. We all know how much he loves his MILFs, and Mama Fields is just the right kind of desperate lonely older woman that he’d go for.

Whether she’d reciprocate his advances is a different matter, but I think it’s about time that Pam gets a saucy storyline on the show, no? If Ella and Ashley get to slut it up, then so does Pam! :o)

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL SCORNED!!!

I love how much Spencer doesn’t give a fuck about anybody or anything after she broke up with Toby. She looks at you and your life’s problems and her reaction is a side-eye full with disdain. Spencer spends the entire episode moping and sulking and feeling sorry for herself… but if you dare to cross her, she’ll lash out and own you so motherfucking hard. One way to describe her behaviour is that Spencer walks into every scene and takes a steaming pile of shit on everyone around her. Unpleasant analogy? Yes. Absolutely hilarious to watch? Oh my god, yes!

Spencer’s reaction to Alison’s death: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. When Emily tells her about the latest developments re: the murder investigation, Spencer was basically like *does not give a shit*. Welcome to the same point of blissful enlightenment that most PLL viewers reached 30-40 episodes ago!

Spencer: Maybe she was just scared to tell him she was slutting it up in three different zip codes in one summer.
Emily: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?
Spencer: I’m saying that Ali wasn’t loyal to any of us. So why do we continue to be loyal to her? Why should we care what happens to her? What happened to her?
Emily: BECAUSE WE! DO! CARE!!!

Spencer’s reaction to school: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Hilariously enough, she gets up in the middle of class and storms out of the room because she *does not give a shit* anymore. Of course, she doesn’t leave until she perches herself on a soapbox and unleashes an angry tirade upon a group of innocent bystanders.

Spencer: I don’t need to sit in a room and read books about made-up people who’ve been screwed over! Okay, I get it! It’s not going to prepare me for what I have to deal with when I walk out of this building! It’s a complete waste of my time!!!

Poor Ella tries to keep up some semblance of a functional academic institution by pretending that (SPOILER ALERT) school is not a complete waste of time. However, she gets immediately owned by Spencer’s warpath to destruction.

Ella: You can’t just storm out of a classroom without a legitimate excuse…
Spencer: I don’t want to be here anymore! Is that legitimate enough!?

+1 to Spencer. *lmao* Recap Everything also strongly encourages all students to follow her mantra and begin an ~*academic revolution*~. WE MUST SUPPORT SPENCER AND STORM OUT OF CLASS TODAY!!!

Spencer’s reaction to breaking up with Toby: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Before this episode, there was still a glimmer of hope that she might get back together with him and live happily ever after. But nope, Pretty Little Liars took all your dreams and crushed it with fiendish delight. This entire episode was like taking a knife and stabbing it into the hearts of those poor Spoby fans.

Spoby Fans: My favourite couple will never get back together ever again. I have no reason to keep living. All my dreams are dead. ;_;
PLL Writers: MWHAHAHAHA. *rips up photograph into itty bitty pieces*

Can we have a moment of silence and participate in a candlelight vigil for this fallen couple? I feel like a funeral service may be necessary here.

During the episode, Pretty Little Liars played around with the possibility that Spencer joined the ~*dark side*~ because she might have contacted Toby in secret! Unfortunately for all Spoby fans, this turns out to be a false alarm, like dangling an unattainable carrot in front of a starving, rotting, and already dying animal. PLL YOU ARE TOO CRUEL. ;___;

However, it would have been a pretty wicked plot twist if the shock of Toby’s betrayal caused Spencer so much emotional trauma and turned her evil. Can you imagine how much *shit would hit the fan* if Spencer joined The A Team and turned against the other pretty little liars!? HOLY BALONEY.

Next comes the best part of the episode where the entire scene is dedicated to Spencer putting makeup on her face. If this isn’t must-watch television, I don’t know what is!!!

I kid you not, literally nothing else happens. We just get sixty uninterrupted seconds of Spencer doing her *eyeliner* and *lipstick* by the rear view mirror…which might be sixty seconds too long for a scene that contributed zero plot advancement & character development. I know “nothing ever happens!!!” is a common complaint about the show, but this void of a scene is just taking it to a whole other level!

Sidebar: No joke, I would be interested in watching an entire episode where the pretty little liars do nothing except put their make-up on. Especially if it features the cake powder that Hanna pours on her face in every scene. That is some fascinating shit~~~

This scene was a fantastic acting showcase for Troian Bellisario, who managed to take sixty seconds of putting on makeup and turned it into a masterful performance piece. You wouldn’t think that someone is able to convey much emotion while doing their eyeliner, but oh you’d be surprised.

The combination of sad music + teary eyes + teenage angst created such a gloomy, moody, melancholic atmosphere that made the scene so goddamn depressing. It was on the verge of being overwrought, but Troian found just the right balance in her performance to make it a genuine tearjerking moment instead. I hate to repeat what we already know, but her acting has been flawless and she is hitting all of the ~*right notes*~.

For a brief moment, I thought Spencer would have a secret rendezvous with Toby, which would open a whole different can of worms. However, she was just meeting up with a private detective instead. She instructs him to spy on her ex-boyfriend and dig up some juicy dirt on that shady bastard.

Good job at the misdirection, Pretty Little Liars…but I wanna know why Spencer put on *so much* makeup just to meet up with some middle-aged schlub!? A girl simply does not wear that much eyeliner unless she’s planning to bat her eyelashes to seduce a guy!

So, Ezra broke up with Aria after finding out about his baby. Good fucking riddance and that’s all I have to say about it. THE END.

…..oh, I wish I could end the recap without having to delve into every tedious aspect about this piece of shit storyline, but I’m a glutton for punishment.

Ezra actually didn’t find out about the baby until Spencer dropped the bombshell on him all of a sudden. Here’s the full sequence of events that happened: A sends a fake misleading text message… -> SPENCER RAGE!!! -> SPENCER RANT!!! -> SPENCER SMASH!!! -> “YOU ABANDONED YOUR BASTARD SON!!!” -> *ezra eyes 0_0* -> lolwhoops spoilers? -> kthxbye~ *Spencer fleeing*

Spencer: Hey, enjoying a nice day at the park? Writing down all your thoughts and feelings? How could you do that to her!? No, don’t apologize to me! My god, not after the way you treated her! Do you even get how much she loves you!?

Spencer was doing so well until she got to that part about the Ezria love. Ugh, somebody pass me the barf bucket.

Spencer: Do you think it’s easy to find out a secret like that!? Because it’s not!!! Okay, it’s a burden. You’re screwed if you tell and you’re screwed if you don’t. And if you really want to get pissed and take it out on somebody, don’t dump it on Aria okay? Go after Maggie! Because she’s actually the person who had your son and kept it a secret for seven years!!!

KABOOM!!! Ezra was like *wut* and Spencer was like *wutback* and that’s when she realized that she had stepped into a spoiler-free zone.

I love that it isn’t enough for Spencer to be single and lonely and bitter on her own. Oh no, she has to run around town and sabotage other couples until everyone is suffering too. Because misery loves company! Of course, right after she dropped a nuclear bomb on Ezria’s relationship, Spencer just clicked her heels and went ta-ta and got the fuck out of there before she could be held accountable, lmao.

Intentional or not, this was a pretty shitty thing to do to a friend, but since it was Ezria that she was fucking up, I consider this ANOTHER SPENCER VICTORY~~~

The fallout afterwards was predictably annoying and pathetic. Ezra starts whining like a tittysucking crybaby as usual, while Aria keeps making this slack jawed =0 expression to all of his accusations.

I don’t like siding with Ezra on ANY issue, but it’s hard to muster sympathy for Aria, who had plenty of opportunities to come clean in the past seven episodes. Starting from the moment she showed up at the kindergarten classroom and went like: “oh ezra has a kid? idk if this is urgent?” After all, Ezra already missed out the first seven years of his son’s life, so he probably has the patience to wait for seven more years before anyone decides to finally tell him.

I’m trying very hard to give a fuck while describing Ezria’s scenes, but even their arguments are so goddamn boring. “Aria lied to me, how could you!” OH BOO-FUCKING-HOO.

Spencer’s attitude towards Ezria: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Her follow-up conversation with Aria was especially hilarious.

Spencer: Could we just fast-forward to the part where you scream or you cry or do whatever you need to do, okay?

LMAO. See, even the writers feel the same way as I do. In fact, can we just fast-forward through each episode until someone starts screaming or crying? Those are usually the only scenes worth watching anyway.

Spencer: I think we should stop blaming A for everything that goes wrong in our lives and start blaming ourselves. Maybe if we stopped telling lies, A wouldn’t have a reason to keep on exposing them.

Ain’t that the truth? At this point, the drama can be broken down as: 5% manufactured by A and 95% inflicted by the girls’ own stupidity.

Spencer: MAYBE WE DESERVE IT.

That’s like 100% accurate and should be the new tagline for this show. PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: MAYBE WE DESERVE IT.

Ezra is going to spend some time with his son and his baby momma, so he’s packing his shit and leaving town. It just dawned upon me that maybe the whole purpose of this storyline is to write off Ezra from the show FOREVER, in which case I’m highly in favour of it. I will put up with any more tedious bullshit drama they throw our way, as long as it means that his character will fuck off for good. I don’t even care if we never hear from Ezra from this moment onwards. Like, I wouldn’t mind if he disappears after this episode, with his existence completely erased, and never be mentioned on the show again. This is definitely one loose end that I have no desire to see resolved.

Don’t get your hopes up though. This shit happens every season. It often begins with Ezra leaving for another town or another state, but he always comes back a few episodes later, and then we have to put up with some grand EZRIA REUNION complete with *sappy background music* and *extreme close-ups* and *rapidly spinning cameras*. UGH NOTHX.

In a complete asshole move, Ezra invites Aria to his apartment in the middle of the night, has a ninety-second conversation with her, and then he drives away in his car while abandoning her at the side of the road. Dude, I know you might be eager to get rid of her, but at least offer your girlfriend a ride?

At the end of the episode, we witness the most pathetic moment in PLL history, as Ezra starts crying like a little bitch after giving a half-assed farewell to Aria. Is he in tears because he’s breaking up with his jailbait gf? Is he weeping because he can’t man up and accept his new fatherly responsibilities? Or is he simply crying because he took one stern reflective look at his life decisions and realized that he failed in every aspect?

In any case, seeing Ezra’s sour tearful gravely face fills me with so much joy that I cannot even begin to describe. LMAO CRY BITCH CRYYYY.

Read more recaps!

25 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous February 12th, 2013 / Tuesday

    Another hilarious recap as usual :) I can’t wait till you start recapping Teen Wolf!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 12th, 2013 / Tuesday

      Thank you! I know I’ve been saying this for the past ~5-6 months, but I promise I will recap Teen Wolf again. It hasn’t been dropped!

  2. Default avatar Alex February 12th, 2013 / Tuesday

    I’m halfway through reading this and just spit my bagel everywhere when you talked about Maya’s head on a stick. Also, tonight’s episode has me shipping Spandrew so fucking hard. Here is a guy that can act, is smart, is buff, AND has a pleasant face. Toby is so getting written out. You can smell it coming.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      idk why, but that was the first thought that crossed my mind when Pam brought the box to Emily. I was like OMG IT MUST BE A BODY PART!!! O_O My mind is too twisted for its own good sometimes.

      I haven’t watched the latest episode yet, but I’ll take your word for it. I already love Andrew in his debut episode and I can feel it’s the kind of love that will keep on burning. Toby and his abs can already *gtfo* for all I care. ^_^

  3. Default avatar Alex February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Yeah, tonight’s was basically tailor-made for you. You’ll see what I mean. It has all the right ingredients.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      HOT DAMN. I was only joking when I said Andrew should take all of his clothes off. And see, voting in my polls do make your dreams come true~

  4. Default avatar ANoelle February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    I love all your photoshopped/Paint captions on the screencaps, they never fail to make me laugh.

    GAHHH Troian is crushing my soul. ;A;

    I liked how they made it look like she was meeting up with a male prostitute instead of a P.I. There was also this one part where she picked up a pair of scissors before Aria went to talk to her, and I swear, I thought Spencer was going to kill herself or chop off all her hair. ._____.

    But then, of course, Aria has to make it all about her with the whole, “By the way, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” or whatever. Bitch, please. Spencer is just about done with life and looks like death, and you still find a way to make it all about Ezria. Ugh.

    Also, when the episode premiered, they were calling Toby “Lil’ Tobeezy” on Twitter. LMFAO. XD

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      Hehe, I love my Paint doodles too~ 8D Sometimes, a scene is just best described with a stick figure, y’know?

      I honestly don’t know what to expect with Spencer anymore, whether she’d kill herself with a pair of scissors or go into prostitution, anything is possible, that’s what makes her angst filled rampage so fun to watch. <3

      Aria is always fishing for sympathy to all the drama that she caused herself. I'm glad Spencer never gave her the satisfaction of making it ~*all about her*~ again.

      lmao, I love all the nicknames for our Tobeezy. This one is by far my fave on Tumblr:
      http://24.media.tumblr.com/46977986fcb377ab9f208e7056d7f4e4/tumblr_mhglm9lqsm1r46xwco1_500.jpg

  5. Default avatar ANoelle February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Maybe Ezra was crying because he realized that his son is only ten years younger than his girlfriend. LOL.

    I actually felt bad for the guy. Finding out that you have a son can’t be easy, and that your girlfriend, the one that you should be able to trust (and you’re supposed to be loyal to each other), was keeping it a secret from you. Also, Aria is a terrible girlfriend. She didn’t console him or anything.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      lololol so many legit reasons for Ezra to cry. If I was Ezra, I’d wake up every morning and start crying just because of who I am.

      I don’t feel sorry for Ezra though, nope, never will. He’s like forever #1 on my permanent shit list.

  6. Default avatar Theo February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Aria’s gonna be preggo with the other Fitz’s child

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      Season 4’s mystery arc will be all about figuring out which Fitz brother got Aria pregnant. <3

  7. Default avatar Anonymous February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Love it as usual ! I also thought Spencer was meeting with a prositute at first because that isn’t the craziest thing to happen on this show. And I agree with you about Spencer putting on makeup…I think anyone else playing this scene it would have felt useless but Troian just makes it work. I also found it hilarious how none of the girls really saw how much Spencer is breaking down. I mean wasn’t it just last episode that Aria didn’t wear any makeup and the girls were like ” OMG are you okay ” and Spencer is walking around like death, destroying everything in her path and they were like ” How was the anniversary , Spoby forev ! ” haha Love it

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

      Yeah, Spencer just has that ~*desperation*~ to her that makes prostitution seem quite possible lol.

      I want to watch Spencer try to *angst* while doing the most mundane things. Grab a carton of milk. BOOHOOHOO! Pour it into a glass. BOOHOOHOO! Take a tiny sip. BOOHOOHOO!

      Spencer walks around with DEATH on her face and the other girls are like “oh looks like some1 got lucky last night ;)” Only Emily cared enough to give two shits, but Aria & Hanna just play dumb and choose to ignore their friend’s agony.

  8. Default avatar DarkAngel February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Only Aria and Hanna can think Spencer’s I look like death and/or I want/have killed someone look means she got laid.

    You got your wish in the most recent episode, Spencer’s thinking about Toby while putting pickles and carrots into a blender. lolz

    If we had an ep of the PLL’s applying make up it would longer than the actual episodes. Because I want to know how those girls manage to put that much make up on before school and still have time to wander around town and eat a leisurely breakfast.

    I wish Ezra was gone for good. But he’ll be back with his 7 year old son and him and his 17 year old girlfriend will have smiley happy family time together. So instead of their scenes being mind numbingly boring I’ll want to poke my eyes out.

    Toby in a do-rag was the best thing ever. Along with Hanna in a lezzie bar.

    All these mentions of Jenna are making me miss her even more. She better return from Out of Town soon and cause the chaos only she can.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2013 / Wednesday

      Does Spencer’s sex dream at the beginning of the episode count as getting laid? It should be at least a half lay.

      lmao I honestly don’t think they ever take their makeup off. They go to sleep with a face full of cake powder and just keep adding more and more layers on top.

      I want to fast forward into the future where Malcolm is a 16 y.o. Teenager who has a sordid affair with his stepmother Aria.

      Cell Block Toby <3

      Bring back Jenna already! Hopefully she will come back and be blind again for no discernible reason lolz. I know she's evil as hell, but the show feels so one sided with just Mona terrorizing the school hallways. We need Jenna to keep the evil more evenly balanced.

  9. Default avatar B February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    Your recaps are too hilarious <3. PLL is a good series to do that cause it has too many WTF moments. Specially this last episode.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2013 / Wednesday

      There are some other shows where I can’t find anything funny to say, but Pretty Little Liars always gives me so much material to work with. :D

  10. Default avatar Anonymous February 13th, 2013 / Wednesday

    I thought Spencer was gonna whore herself out and hook up with a male prositiute…but it turns out it was just the detective…

    darn

    • Default avatar Brittany February 17th, 2013 / Sunday

      LMAO at first I thought she was meeting Toby, or maybe Mona. But then when she reapplied her eyeliner and we got a glimspe at the middle-aged man at the diner, I was like “DAFUQ IS WRONG WID U SPENCA??”

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2013 / Wednesday

      omglol I didn’t know it was the consensus that everyone thought Spencer was going to quit school and become a prostitute. Pretty Little Prostitute, to be exact.

    • Default avatar PLL~LOVER July 25th, 2014 / Friday

      HAHA OMG I THOUGHT THIS TOO AND I WAS LIKE”OK WUT SPENCER U HAVE GONE TOO FAR”

  11. Default avatar Charlotte February 19th, 2013 / Tuesday

    Well if Ezra’s leaving…BACK ON THE JARIA TRAIN, BABY!
    JASONxARIA FOREVS.
    Anything but that snore fest.

    Great recap, buddy ol’ pal.

  12. Default avatar Kayla February 24th, 2013 / Sunday

    OMG i thought she was going to start prostituting too. i was like Damn it spencer, you’re high class with champagne and strawberries not beer and peanuts! *lyndon james hood voice* get yo shit together girl!

  13. Default avatar Anonymous March 21st, 2014 / Friday

    Hahaha so f*ckin funny!!! I died when you started hating on Ezra. Finally someone who hates Ezra as much as I do!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar