Season 3 Episode 13, Pretty Little Liars Recap, This is a Dark Ride

It’s the Halloween ghost train party! Kidnapping! Strangling! Murders! Adam Lambert! And masks! Oh, too many, many, many masks.

Welcome to another Halloween edition of Pretty Little Liars! Last year, Alison donned a bad wig, said a lot of bitchy things, and constantly referred to herself as Lady G. This year, more bad wigs, more bitchy digs, and more pop queens! And more trains, apparently, since those rich folks at Rosewood aren’t content with throwing expensive & lavish parties on land anymore. That’s too normal and ordinary. *rolls eyes* At this rate, the Halloween episodes for Season 4 and 5 will take place on a submarine and a blimp, respectively.

I’ve never recapped the “PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS~” part before, but this time it featured brand new footage that wasn’t seen in the last episode, which hilariously defeats the purpose of this segment. I guess they thought the above screenshot of Spencer gawking at a store window wasn’t dynamic enough? They reshot a completely new scene just so the viewers can get a closer look at the poster with the anthropomorphic train. (That train sure looks like it has…gone off the rails. *drumbeat* Oh yes, you better get used to these terrible train-related punch lines that are gonna be happening all throughout the recap!)

Oh my god, the party hasn’t even started yet and the pretty little liars are already trotting around town in their ridiculous outfits. Ladies, I know it’s the one time of the year where you’re allowed to put on clothes that only a supernatural creature would wear (or a typical Tuesday in Aria’s case) BUT DAT NECKLACE CANNOT BE OVERLOOKED OMGGG.

Did Hanna raid all of the oversized shiny gold accessories from Aria’s wardrobe and just tacked them onto her body for Halloween? Jesus Christ. What the fuck. Most unnecessary over accessorizing ever, y/y? So congratulations, Hanna Marin, you have won Halloween with your bold fashion statement. I didn’t even know there was a competition going on, but you definitely won it forever and eternity.

I’m sorry, cameraman, can we just zoom in for a closer look at our two worst fashion offenders per usual? Aria defaults to her typical ‘gothic lolita visits the shopping mall’ persona, but that’s still nowhere as ridiculous as Hanna wearing necklaces that are larger than her breasts. (On that note: I actually think this would be a good litmus test for the PLL wardrobe department – if the necklace or earrings are larger than a girl’s bra size, then put it away back into the costume chest.)

Seriously, whatdafuq is Hanna wearing around her neck!? There’s no logical explanation unless she uses that extraterrestrial device to communicate with aliens from outer space. That thing looks like some kind of futuristic immunity talisman from Xena the Warrior Princess memorabilia collection.

What kind of fucked up person would put Alison DiLaurentis’ coffin outside his house as part of his Halloween decorations? That’s so wrong and tacky and objectionable, but I have to admit that I totally laughed like a Bad Person when I saw this hilariously tasteless prop. *lmao* I guess Maya’s death is already too passé for this show, but mocking Alison in public will always remain timeless.

The twisted Halloween decorations were put up by some random new character named Clifford Yourdley. Um, who is this douchebag and why haven’t they introduced him earlier in the show? Cos I wanna be his friend.

Clifford takes the prank one step further by springing out of the coffin to scare anybody who approaches it. Just imagine some dude who spends his Halloween inside a stuffy old box, waiting for countless hours to give a few seconds of fright to the random townsperson who gets close enough. Wow. I salute you, Clifford Yourdley, your commitment to being a douchebag is only outshone by the sad pitiful existence that you must lead.

SPOILER ALERT: Since Garrett dies in this episode, I’m glad he was able to do what he loved for one last time, which were: a.) leaving notes in tacky carnations & b.) speaking cryptic messages that nobody else can decipher.

(Ten episodes ago: “People lie, medical records don’t.” Now: Still have no fucking clue what that meant. Oh boy, I sure will Garrett.)

Garrett tells Spencer that he’s moving out of town, because they’re running out of story ideas for his character so he’s being written off the show. To Spencer’s credit, she seemed to know that the death clock was rapidly ticking down for poor Garrett, so she pressed him for answers with an amusing amount of urgency.

Garrett: Oh hi, Spen-
Spencer: YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO START MAKING SENSE AFTER YOU GOT OUT OF JAIL. NOW TELL ME ALL YOUR SECRETS!!!
Garrett: Ok well, I-
Spencer: IT HAS BEEN TWO SECONDS. WHY DON’T I KNOW EVERYTHING YET? HURRY UPPPP!!!

Oh Spencer, you silly girl. Did you really think the show would divulge any important information in the first few minutes of the episode? They got an hour of this crapfest to fill and only half of it can be commercials.

As expected, Toby arrives just in time to cockblock the plot from moving forward. What Spencer should have done is send him upstairs to prepare her a warm bath while mama listens to the deets, but noooo Garrett must leave the house at this instant because Spencer is too busy making gooey eyes at her boyfriend instead. Anyway, Garrett was like TTYL and then Toby gave him a hard shoulder slam on his way out the door. What a bitch move lmao~

Is it just me or did Toby get mucho eviler between the last episode and this one? Maybe I’m just seeing him in a brand new light since the A reveal, but his actor might be laying it a bit thick with the glowering looks and threatening demeanour. Was he always this obvious? It’s like he took lessons from Nate St. Germain on how to become the most conspicuous villain ever.

The best part about Toby being A is watching him make DA EVUL FACE right after he kisses Spencer. Doesn’t he look like he’d rather be embracing her dead decaying corpse instead? I’m feeling a strong urge to post this screenshot in every piece of Spoby fanfiction on the Internet and cackle at all the shattered fangirl fantasies.

Hanna and Caleb are still pretending to be undercover lovers for absolutely no reason, except it gives them an excuse to make out in dark kinky places such as this supply closet. Can we put these two out of their misery and let them know that NOBODY cares about their relationship status? NO1CURR. Seriously, please move on. How is this even a storyline!?

Admittedly, all the romantic subplots seem to blur together for me, but I don’t see any difference between PUBLIC HALEB and STEALTHY HALEB except there’s a lot of annoying dialogue about how hard it is to keep their relationship a secret, so that shit has gotta stop.

I love how Aria saw her friend’s galactic necklace and immediately rushed home to put on an equally absurd piece of jewellery. Give it up, Aria. It doesn’t matter how many ornaments you put in between your boobies, because Hanna is already the Queen of Halloween and you’ve lost the wardrobe showdown for this episode.

(Ezra comes home from who-knows-where.)
Aria: Hi! You almost got a preview of coming attractions. ;D
Ezra: ……*wut*
Aria: ……Costume. For tonight. -_-”
Ezra: ……*ignores her and moves onto the next topic*

Oh Aria, try a little harder to be coherent next time? LOL @ her attempt to be cutesy totally backfiring though. Why is this girl so hilariously awkward in all of her social interactions?

Ezra tells Aria that he can’t go to the Halloween party because he’s too busy making up imaginary writing jobs for himself. Um, the REAL reason is because he feels embarrassed to chaperone a party full of teenagers, especially after that fiasco at Jenna’s birthday.

Aria: I just really wanted you to see my costume. :(
Ezra: I can see it tomorrow.
Aria: Playing dress-up for your man on Halloween is one thing. You do it any other night, you end up on an afternoon talk show.
Ezra: Depends on the costume. Besides, we got a little bit of time… *heavy petting*

OH BARF. Thank god they got cockblocked by some trick-or-treaters, so even the cosmic laws of the universe were working against Ezria sex from happening.

There was much online speculation over this lingering shot of Ezra, which some viewers interpret as a ~*definitive clue*~ that he is A. I gotta admit, he looks awfully dodgy here in the same “Toby brooding over Spencer’s shoulder” kind of way. However, I’ll believe that he is A when Pretty Little Liars announces it in a flashing neon sign. Knowing this show, Ezra is probably hiding some other dumb shit instead. Does he have another dead relative’s vintage car that he has to sell?

There’s a truly bizarre side plot featuring Mama Marin and Pastor Ted handing out candies to little kids on Halloween. In fact, the strangest thing might be how Ashley got dressed up in a naughty nurse uniform, probably with no underwear on, yet there wasn’t any sex to be had. WTF Ted? Why don’t you wanna hit that, bruh?

Ashley starts behaving like a ghost whisperer and encounters this dead girl in her house. At least I think she was dead, although Ashley couldn’t make it any more obvious by going all LITTLE LOST GIRL WHERE IS UR MOM? Y ARE UR HANDS SO COLD? I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE. HUR HUR HUR~ ;D

Um lady, some kid just broke into your house and found her way into your master bedroom. This doesn’t seem like the act of an innocent clueless girl, mmkay? Frankly, I’d be surprised if Mama Marin’s credit cards and bank statements are still in place!

The writers obviously wanted to shoehorn some supernatural elements into the Halloween episode, but the whole story was kinda clunky and poorly executed, so it didn’t make that much sense. Well, it made sense…sorta. Ashley talks to a random dead girl. Um okay. I get it, but I’m afraid it still wasn’t very interesting to watch.

It’s strange that Pretty Little Liars devoted so much time to this flop of a storyline though. Like, are we supposed to care who this dead girl is? IDGAF. Please go back to the underworld unless you’re proven relevant to the plot. O_o

HOWEVER~~~ there was an unintentionally funny moment when Ashley sees the dead girl in her bedroom, so she invites Ted upstairs to take a closer look, except the ghost vanished by the time he arrives, which made it seem like Ashley came up with a flimsy excuse just to get him into her bedroom. *lol*

Ashley: Ted, can you come into my bedroom? There’s a ghost and maybe some breasts I’d like you to examine. *winkywink*

Oh Mama Marin. Being a little forward there, aren’t we? But there’s nothing wrong with making up a fake ghost story to get laid on Halloween night. Go get some, girl!

At the Halloween party, Hanna knocks it out of the park as she rocks a stellar Marilyn Monroe costume. She looks absolutely ravishing. You know it’s a good costume when Recap Everything doesn’t have any bitchy things to say about what she wears.

…and then Hanna opens her mouth to whine about something dumb, thus ruining the illusion, but at least we’ll always have those few seconds of impersonation perfection.

Lucas: You look beautiful. :3
Hanna: Thank you. :3

SHIPPING IT!!! That’s all it takes to change my shipper’s heart, a fleeting glance and a short exchange. *lolsofickle* Hanna’s radiant beauty has a rehabilitative effect on Lucas, who reverted back into a normal likable character for at least a few seconds. I don’t recall having these warm fuzzy feelings for Lucas since Season 1, so I hope he doesn’t switch back to creeper mode the next time we see him.

Well…it turns out that Ezra didn’t miss out much on his girlfriend’s “coming attractions”. Am I wrong for thinking her Great Gatsby costume isn’t much of a difference from how Aria dresses anyway? Let’s see… Feathers? Check. Shiny stuff? Check. Impractical jewellery? Check and check. This costume is the perfect blend of faux high-brow pretentiousness that we can expect from Aria’s character though, so good job!

How much do you wanna bet that Aria is secretly SEETHING at her friend for stealing the fashion spotlight throughout this episode? First, the one time that Aria toned down on the accessorizing, Hanna comes trotting out with a missing UFO part around her neck. Then, Aria glammed up with all her shiny bling, only for Hanna to wow everyone with a simple white dress. She just can’t win!

Hanna: Where’s Ezra?
Aria: *sighs* Ezra had to cancel on me.
Hanna: GREAT! *hesitant pause* Well, I mean, I’m not the only one without a date, so…

Oh Hanna, everyone knows what you originally meant. Why don’t you come out and just say what we are all thinking?

Spencer: If you need me, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you?

If Spencer hadn’t said that cheesy movie quote, I’d have no idea who she was supposed to be dressed up as. I kinda recall Melissa and Ian were wearing a similar type of couple costume last year, right? So there, Melissa did it FIRST and BETTER. As always.

I love how consistent Emily is with her Halloween costumes each year, which is to wear clothes as skimpy and revealing as possible. It’s like Emily thinks the whole purpose of this holiday is to show off her boobs and her legs. Meanwhile, Paige went the butch route and suited up. That ginormous flower from outer space looks like something Aria and Hanna would fight each other in order to wear it as part of their regular outfits for next episode.

All of a sudden, Noel was pretending to choke to death, so Toby grabbed him by the waist and grinded his crotch against his ass (hey-o!) in the most half-assed attempt at a Heimlich manoeuvre that I’ve ever seen. Spencer tried to help too… And by helping, I meant that she literally lied Noel on his back and pounded his chest a few times, as if to cut off his remaining air supply and hasten his impending death!

Yeah, Noel was just being a douchebag and pulled this awful prank for the lulz. Hilariously enough, everyone actually thinks he’s dying for real, yet they all stand around in a circle and no one bothers to help him. Imagine if he really did choke to death though? That would have been the EXACT play-by-play of the events leading up to his death. Just a bunch of idle spectators shrugging their shoulders before his final breath runs out.

What’s up with Lucas and Jason behaving so suspiciously at the Halloween party? First, they were whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Then, they were exchanging coy glances across the room. Afterwards, they disappeared into another train compartment together.

Look, I don’t know WHO keeps saying these two were obviously hooking up (lol it’s me, I’m the only one saying it) BUT I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why they’d leave a crowded party to have an intimate moment with each other, and not all of them may necessarily involve bumpy unprotected sex on a train. (Besides, Gay Jason can probably do way better than Lucas, even for a shameless Halloween pity fuck.)

You gotta admit though, there aren’t a lot of activities for two people to do in the privacy of a train besides canoodling and fornicating. Just look at Paige and Emily hopping right at it as soon as they claimed a private train compartment.

Paige: Travel is so romantic.
Emily: We should just stay on board. *in her sexiest voice* Tell them to keep going. *suggestive eyebrows* Never stop.

Keep going, never stop. Keep going, never stop. Oh yeah, that’s what she said last night. I have a feeling Emily isn’t talking about travel anymore, unless it involves parking her train at Paige’s station.

Paige was behaving like a total horndog during this scene, and she was literally kissing Emily at the end of every sentence during their conversation. The only time she pulled away is to let her girlfriend catch her breath. Otherwise, Emily couldn’t even get three words out of her mouth before Paige ambushes her with yet another kiss!

LMAO @ A standing outside the window and blatantly perving at the girl-on-girl make out sesh. I guess this particular A must be a fan of watching ladies who mack on other ladies. ;D

What’s that, Pretty Little Liars? *checks calendar* It has already been six episodes since the show shamelessly promoted a musician whose name may or may not be Katy Perry!? Well, how about another plug?

Welcome to the stage, Adam Lambert! At least he sang catchy songs about “crazy trains” and “going cuckoo”, so I suppose his music is relevant to the show. Sorta? For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Glambert, he’s the American Idol Season 8 runner-up, made famous for his fancy glitter, nail polish & tight leather pants. My fondest memory of Adam is when he simulated a blowjob during a live performance at the AMA, and then America freaked out because he’s ghey, so that brought plenty of trainwrecky lulz all around.

Adam Lambert defies whatever year the show takes place in so that he can promote the newest music on his next album. Technically, if the timeline continuity is still in effect, he should be performing songs from his FIRST album, but I guess that defeats the point of a shameless musician plug. Unless this is the alternative timeline where Adam won American Idol and quickly released his music because they were selling like hotcakes? But judging by the low-rent venue that he’s performing at, I’m guessing that didn’t happen either.

OK…we are veering majorly off-topic here, but I won’t get another opportunity to mention this in my other recaps, so I wanna make a very important Public Service Announcement.

Adam Lambert, y’know, he’s alright, whatever. I’m glad he lost Season 8 of American Idol though, because I was totally on board the Kris Allen train all the way. Even though Kris won the competition, he proceeded to have a very modest career afterwards (aka. major flop). This saddens me because Kris Allen is not only my favourite Idol contestant ever, but he’s also one of my favourite human beings in the world. =)

I just thought you should all know, in case it shows up as a question for Recap Everything trivia. kthx.

Whose idea was it to give Adam Lambert a speaking role on the show? Maybe his agent thought it’d be a good PR move. Or perhaps the PLL writers negotiated with him – he only gets to perform 2 songs if he also says a few lines of dialogue. Whatever the reason, it led to this amusingly cringeworthy conversation between Adam and Aria.

Adam: I can’t tell if you are having fun or not.
Aria: Oh hi! No, no, no! This…this is incredible! Is this fun for you?
Adam: This is absolutely fun!!! *lying through gritted teeth* So, did you come alone?
Aria: Yeah, my boyfriend couldn’t make it.
Adam: *quickly changes topic* Oh, what’s your name?

And then Aria had to repeat her name five times because Adam Lambert is apparently deaf? Finally, she spelled her name out on the window, but then he made up some excuse (“s’cuse me while I go powder my face, whatever-your-name-is”) to avoid talking with her any longer.

Oh dear. It was painful watching them struggle to grasp onto the concept of normal human socialization. Somebody should have given Adam Lambert conversation starter cards so that he wouldn’t keep asking mundane questions while looking for the nearest escape route. The sad thing is Adam and Aria could have really hit it off if they just shared make-up tips or talked about how to apply eyeliner with a paint roller.

Since A drugged Aria immediately after their convo, I think it’s safe to assume that Adam Lambert is also part of The A Team. Oh hell, he’s probably the one who tried pushing Aria off the train before she stabbed him through the crate. :D

PLOT TIME! Garrett returns in the second half of the episode to tell us all his secrets before his character gtfo forever.

Garrett: I liked you! You’re the one I really wanted to keep safe!

…wait, Garrett wanted to boink Spencer? That’s kinda outrageous considering he showed ZERO romantic interest in her at any point of the show. O_O Like, I don’t think this pairing existed even among the crack shippers who match characters based on absolutely nothing (see me, re: Mike Montgomery x any guy), so his last-minute confession was the BIGGEST WTF moment for me. Of course now that he’s dead and their love becomes ~*unattainable*~, you can expect countless #sparrett shippers to spring up out of nowhere.

Garrett: But you don’t know what you don’t know!

Actual dialogue, folks. Someone is getting paid to write garbage lines like these. The awful writing was only made infinitely worse by Garrett’s actor, who delivered each line in such a wooden and contrived manner, as if he was trying very hard to remember the exact words in the script. I mean, Yani Gellman could almost pretend to be a passable actor back when his screentime was limited to a few glowering glances and short one-liners. But oh my god, I’m sorry to say that extended dramatic scenes are NOT his forte and he should not include this episode in his acting reel when he’s trying to land another gig after this show.

Thankfully, to spare us from any more of Garrett’s acting, we are taken away to a flashback of the night that Alison died, which was supposed to be a ~*prologue*~ of the events leading up to her death.

Alison storms into the scene being all HULLO MY ADORING FANS~ ;o and then Jenna immediately starts swinging her fists as soon as she heard her voice. A catfight literally broke out between them, complete with claw scratching, wrist slapping and boob pinching. I don’t know how else to describe this scene except that it was fucking amazing. It was just two bitches giving bitchy insults and then bitchslapping one another. This was Pretty Little Liars doing what it does best.

Garrett: Alison, get the hell out of here!
Alison: This is my backyard!
Jenna: SHUT. HER. UP.
Alison: YOU SHUT UP!!! *shoves her to the ground*

Jenna fell on her ass and Alison’s first reaction was BWHAHAHA *smirk*. This bitch might have done a lot of awful things in the past, but pushing over a blind girl and then cackling about it afterwards must go down as one of her wickedest acts so far. That’s right up there with kicking a puppy and stealing candy from a baby in terms of villainous behaviours.

At one point, Garrett threatened to hit Alison with a field hockey stick. He didn’t actually kill her, but he was aiming for the head when he swung that stick, so Alison’s skull could have been bashed in if she wasn’t quick enough to dodge in time! :O

TBH, I think most of us would have taken a swing if we had an opportunity to kill Alison DiLaurentis right in front of us, so we can’t blame Garrett for trying. However, we can blame him for missing and hitting the tree trunk instead. Weak effort, dude.

Garrett: I didn’t kill Alison, but Jenna thinks I did.
Spencer: That’s it!? You just wanted to tell me you didn’t do it!?

Sorry if that wasn’t a big enough revelation for you, Spencer, considering you spent the past year accusing this guy of multiple murders. At least give him a few minutes to clear his name, no? -_-”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! When Garrett went back to Alison’s house later that night, he saw her in the middle of a shady conversation…with Papa Montgomery!!!

Alison: I’m not the one who makes people do these things. You don’t pay for your mistakes, how can you become a better person?
Byron: You’re saying all of these grown-up things, but you’re still a child.
Alison: Don’t kid yourself. You know what I’m capable of.

HOLY FECES. *ARIA EYES O_O* This totally confirms that she hooked up with Aria’s dad, y/y? I mean, there’s still the possibility that she was blackmailing him over his affair with Meredith, but um what a weaksauce storyline when it’s so much juicier to speculate that Byron had an affair with Alison instead! Better yet, he fucked the bitch and chucked out her corpse after he was done, bwhahaha! :D

Spencer accuses Garrett of lying about his flashback (omfg is there anything she wouldn’t accuse him of!? I don’t think she’d be satisfied unless Garrett held his hands up and told her to arrest him on the spot), but he was like “I have no reason to lie? My character is getting written off the show. :\”

Spencer: If you saw that, why didn’t you tell anybody when you were arrested!?

Um, because it would disrupt of the show’s narrative structure? Also, Garrett must have suspected that his character value is rather limited, since he only had a lot of cameo appearances on the show because he kept the dumb secret for so long. Now that he told Spencer everything (except who stole Alison’s body *sigh*), he’s a useless character that can be disposed of after the next commercial break.

Spencer: I’m gonna go get Aria and you’re going to say this to her face! Stay here!
Garrett: Where do I have to go!?

LOL ironic last words. And that is the last we see or hear from poor dead Garrett Reynolds, who didn’t even get the courtesy of being killed on-camera. TBH, I feel a bit bad for him. He gets thrown into jail for a murder that he didn’t commit and then he gets killed right after he was released. Not to mention his mom probably died (?) due to the distress of her son’s arrest, so it all adds up to a rather unfortunate fate. Life dealt him a pretty shitty hand, considering he never did anything THAT objectionable other than hook up with two crazy chicks. The sad thing is the show will probably overlook his death and hardly acknowledge him again outside of a few passing references. Poor guy. :-(

ARIA U IN DANJA GURL!!! For those of you who believe Aria never gets as much torment as the other pretty little liars, then you are in for a special treat. Aria finds herself tied up, gagged and trapped inside a box. All I can say is – dayum, Adam Lambert must have really hated those thirty seconds of conversation if he’s willing to kidnap Aria like this!!!

Granted, Aria wasn’t inside a coffin box and unfortunately she’s still very much alive, but it’s still very enjoyable to watch her squirm and suffer for a change. Her misery directly feeds into my happiness. *popcorns*

The best part of the episode is when the crate topples over, and then Aria finds that she has company…in the form of Garrett’s dead corpse. Did you lol when it first happened? Because I lolled. Oh, so freaking much.

Actually, the best part of the episode is when Aria makes these terrible grunting noises out of fear, but she sounds more like she has a really bad cough that she couldn’t get out of her throat.

Aria: URGGHHURRHURRRGHHURRRUGHHH O_O

I’m sorry to say, but this is probably close to what Aria’s orgasm noises sound like, so we can only imagine what Ezra hears in his ear every time they have sex.

Meanwhile, the pretty little liars only notice Aria is in trouble after A clues them in. Hanna immediately notifies Caleb that they need to do a search party on the train…and then he starts molesting her body up and down…and there’s a brief moment when Hanna was visibly thinking: “Aria’s safety can wait, because mama is about to get down in some frisky Halloween roleplaying. ;)” Poor Aria is probably pissing in her dress right about now, and Hanna still finds the time to pleasure herself instead. Priorities, girl!

Unfortunately, Hanna recognized the wrong boyfriend. Some random stranger was getting a good physical examination of her T&A, but the mystery pervert made a quick exit as soon as Hanna finds out that’s not Caleb underneath the mask. The funny thing is I don’t think this person is related to The A Team at all. It’s just some anonymous partygoer who couldn’t pass down the chance to grab Hanna’s tits. *lol*

Paige: I’m looking for Aria. Have you seen her?
Jenna: No, but she has a thing for authority figures, so she’s probably up with the engineer. ;)

Hehe. Jenna looked so damn smug after making that unnecessary dig at Aria, so she probably had that one rehearsed in her head long before the party started. Not that there’s anything wrong with it – you should never leave home without a good insult about Aria Montgomery ready at your disposal.

Oh my god, I just remembered how Toby tried to cover Jenna’s other eye as a *joke*. WTF that was some sick insensitive shit. You’d think Toby, of all people, would be a bit more considerate of his stepsister’s plight, but blinding a formerly blind person is gross and so uncalled for. :-x Too soon, Toby. Too soon.

SPENCER U IN DANJA GURL! All of a sudden, a masked assailant comes out of nowhere and starts choking Spencer to death! WTF!?!? She was just walking from Place A to Place B and then this voodoo person appeared and went like DIE BITCH. It was the most random attack ever?

Then again, Spencer still thought it’d be perfectly safe to travel alone on the train after Aria had been kidnapped. *smh* The strange thing is how this isn’t even the first time that Spencer got assaulted in this episode, since Garrett physically ambushed her in an earlier scene (THAT WAS JUST HIS WAY OF PROFESSING HIS SECRET LOVE FOR HER, OK? #spencett), so you’d think Spencer would have learned her lesson about the buddy system, but nooo…

What took place was a ridiculous fight faker than televised wrestling, but it did give us a badass moment when Paige suddenly arrives, picks up the attacker with her superstrength, and throws him (or her?) across the other side of the train. Unfortunately, Paige was fighting at a home-field disadvantage (no swimming pools or garbage cans around), so the strangler still managed to escape in the end, scathed but unidentified.

This is what the assailant looks like, not to be mistaken with the masked pervert who grabbed a slice of ass earlier in the episode. I think this is someone from The A Team, but it’s so difficult to keep track of all the villains running amok this show. Every time there’s a party in Rosewood, it seems like there’s always one creeper wearing a mask, and nine times out of ten that person turns out to be evil or crazy or both. It could be anybody wearing that mask. Like, I wouldn’t rule out Adam Lambert at this point. Who the fuck knows anymore???

Spencer begrudgingly mumbles a ‘thank you’ to Paige for saving her life back there. Since hell will freeze over before Spencer Hastings admits that she was wrong about accusing somebody of murder, I guess this is the *closest* thing we’ll get to an apology for her vile behaviour towards Paige in the past couple of episodes. Just say thank you and all will be forgotten.

Hey, at least Paige got something. Garrett didn’t even get that basic kind of courtesy from Spencer despite being madly in love with her. Poor dead Garrett. :\

In the end, the pretty little liars were only able to locate their friend because they found her necklace on the floor. Don’t you love how Aria wears so many accessories that she was actually able to create a physical evidence trail pointing to her whereabouts? Just like a cat leaving behind its cat hairs or a squirrel leaving behind its footprints, you can tell where Aria has been just by following the trail of shiny gold accessories left behind on the floor.

The A Team was trying to push Aria and Garrett’s dead body off a moving train (yes yes yes, please happen, please do it, please make my prayers come true) and we hear this exchange between two of their members:

Guy: You lied to me! I can’t do this!
Girl: Push, damn it!
Guy: No! I can’t!
Girl: Shut up, come back here! Push!

The voices sound a lot awfully like Mona and Lucas, no? I mean, Mona’s voice is obviously recognizable, and that nasally whine in Lucas’ voice is pretty distinctive as well.

On the brink of death, Aria magically produces a screwdriver out of her ass and *stabs* the male voice, causing The A Team to run away and retreat. NOOOOO!!! DAMN IT, COME BACK HERE!!! FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED! YOU GUYS WERE SO CLOSE TO KILLING ARIA MONTGOMERY. SO DAMN CLOSE. It makes me wanna reach out to the screen and kick the damn box myself. Just one good kick would have done the trick and sent Aria plummeting to her death. *sobbing*

So yeah, Aria gets rescued by her friends at the very last second and Garrett is the only one who dies this episode, but who didn’t see that coming? Whatever, man. I can’t believe they would tease us with Aria’s death and then not follow through with it. Those bastards got my hopes up for nothing. ;A;

Hanna: Okay, straight answer, A killed Garrett. Yes or no?
Spencer: Yes.
Aria: Yeah, but why?
Emily: That was the whole point.
Hanna: What…what point?

LMAO. Exactly, Hanna. What point? Now you know how the PLL viewers feel after watching every episode.

Spencer: That was why A pushed us to do things that would get Garrett cleared.
Aria: Yeah, so he can get out of that jail and A could kill him?
Emily: Two members of the NAT Club, dead.
Aria: Two people who were in that room on the night that Ali was killed!

Oh my god, this N.A.T Club massacre is like the horror of watching J. K. Rowling as she picks off The Marauders one by one. You know their deaths are coming, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it. :-( Is Jason gonna be next? But I don’t want him to die yet until he does a nude scene.

Also, Ezra makes a suspicious appearance on the train after failing to kill Aria earlier. (Oops. Spoiler alert?) Seriously, they better make him A because otherwise his inclusion is so unnecessary and I. JUST. CAN’T. with the overall irrelevance of his character. Please stop inserting him into plots just because he is Aria’s boyfriend!

Aria: What are you doing here!?
Ezra: I went to the end of the line to meet the train, to surprise you, and they said somebody was hurt and there was trouble? So I drove beside the tracks until I found you.
Aria: You found me.

Is this not the biggest load of bullshit you’ve ever heard in your life? Putting aside the awfully contrived Ezria moment (omfg why didn’t anyone give that box a final push? WHYYY?), what is the likelihood of Ezra spending the episode driving a car in search for his girlfriend versus Ezra putting a mask on and doing shady things since he was on the train all along? Of course, Aria laps up that shit without any doubts because it’s so ~*romantic*~ in her oblivious teenage girl bubble.

Noel: Why don’t you tell the cops you did it so the rest of us could do home?
Hanna: You know what!? Can it, Noel!
Jenna: Oh shut up, Hanna!
Emily: No, you shut up!
Noel: Stop trying to pull everybody into every mess you BITCHES make for yourselves!

WOOOO BITCHFIGHT~ Grab your purses and play nicely, ladies.

Noel and Toby get into a physical alteration trying to be the biggest cock in the henhouse. Some ppl think the two guys may have planned this fight in advance because it looks so obviously fake, but I think the scene was just terribly choreographed. I mean, I’m not sure if Brant Daugherty ever threw an actual punch IRL, but it looks a lot like he was playing a Wii Sports game when he tried to *fight* Toby.

I know most of you are expecting me to make some kind of remark about the sexual tension between Noel and Toby, but the REAL unspoken homoeroticism took place between Jason and the police officer in the background. Instead of stopping the fight that’s happening, this policeman decides to place his hand on Jason’s pecs and cop a good feel! *lol* The guy was obviously thinking: “This might be the only time I ever get to touch his body! *gaygasp* I WILL NEVER WASH THIS HAND AGAIN.”

(Sidebar: Is this grabby cop the same pervert who groped Hanna??? Because it’s all starting to make sense now.)

Then, Jason reciprocates the gesture while gazing lovingly into the police officer’s eyes. It’s like some kind of mating ritual: you feel my pecs, I feel your pecs. If they were in a nightclub instead of a train, they’d already be unzipping each other’s pants by now.

Toby and Noel get into a tiny bitchfight, which resulted in Toby pushing Noel over the ice cooler, and that’s when Alison’s body bag fell out whoopsy daisy. Look at Alison, tardy to the party as always!

(Poor Garrett though, he doesn’t even get the distinction of being the ONLY dead body on the train tonight. You already had your moment in the spotlight, Alison DiLaurentis. Couldn’t you have saved your dead corpse reveal for another episode?)

Everyone was like *mortified* after they see Alison’s body make a cameo appearance on the train, except for that creeper Lucas whose immediate reaction was: I’M GONNA BE A TOTAL SCUMBAG AND TAKE PICTURES! BIG SMILES EVERYONE!

By the way, how the hell did The A Team manage to get away with: a.) kidnapping Aria, b.) strangling Spencer, c.) murdering Garrett & d.) transporting Alison’s corpse into a box of party drinks?

I mean, doing any one of the above would have been a nearly impossible heist to pull off, so it defies human logic that all four managed to happen in the same night. Worst of all, A was committing these outrageous crimes in broad daylight at a crowded public venue full of partygoers, yet somehow nobody seemed to notice anything? I can’t wrap my head around how they carried an unconscious girl or a dead guy through the train carriages and everybody was like *looks the other way*. I guess The A Team must have an invisibility cloak to carry out their misdeeds in discrete.

NOTHING MADE SENSE BUT OMGGG WHAT A CRAYCRAY EPISODE. O_O I kinda expected another hour of silly filler nonsense like last Halloween, so it was a pleasant surprise that Pretty Little Liars turned this into such an action-packed clusterfuck where the plot actually moved *forward*. In my opinion, this episode was even more exciting than the finale, and it got the fandom talking & thinking about PLL more than ever.

I think the winning formula for this show is: ridiculous fashion ensembles + bitchy catfights + near-death experiences for the pretty little liars + some dead guy = perfect episode. Let’s hope they continue the momentum and keep up the crazy for the second half of the season too~~~

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22 Responses

  1. Default avatar Nic December 31st, 2012 / Monday

    recap everything, was it my eyes or was there no garrett haiku?! you do think he’s dead, right, not another ghost…

    personally, i liked the ghost sidebar. it showed what an awesome mother ashley is and also, at this point, we’re so beyond suspending belief in this show, A is more supernatural than a ghost. i hope the twin thing is a preview for the next couple of seasons, finally pushing the alison-is-alive-thing forward. it was the same twin actress from last year’s halloween episode.

    def thought this episode was better than the finale.

    Did you notice that mona had the alison dilaurentis mask under her bed at the end? the same one that the creeper who felt up hanna was wearing underneath the phantom one? now that i know the producers want me to think it was mona, i think it was really Cece feeling up hanna. dunno, she just seems like she could swing either way.

    Also, did you know about the webisodes that were aired on pll’s website between the finale before the halloween special? they were like 3 min apiece, and they each contained either a clue to nowhere or a preview of things to come in the next season, including new characters. the zoom in shot of the halloween flier was actually from the end of the finale in a’s lair. im pretty sure it was in one of the web episodes too. i marlene king’s underling kyle brown was given creative license to produce those 6. (which: awww, baby’s all grown up now)

    Last but not least, did you not love mona with the blood red paint dripping on her shoes? please give mona her own tv show,please! she is a one-woman wonder that actress, janelle parish!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      Oof~ I haven’t done a death haiku for Garrett or Nate for that matter. I haven’t felt very ~*poetically inspired*~ atm. If Aria died in this episode though, I’m pretty sure I could have come up with ten different haikus in no time though. ^_^

      Yeah, I’ve read some online spec about the ghost being Ali or her twin, which I’m kinda on board with~ It’s just that I’m kinda afraid the child actress will have a sudden growth sprout by the time of the next Halloween episode so none of the ghost theories will make any sense. lol

      I thought the masked pervert is Cece too, with the blonde hair & the playful flirty experimental thing + Mona was probably too busy kidnapping/killing Aria in another train carriage. Then they highlighted on the mask on the asylum floor and IDK anymore~ so much mindfuck~

      I actually JUST watched all of the webisodes right after I posted these recaps, and realize I probably should have watched them before the Halloween episode. *lolwhoops* They were really short and kinda silly in an endearing way, so I think I can throw together a quick recap about them soon, while my memory is still fresh.

      Mona’s scenes are always great. <3 I don't usually mention her scenes in the recaps because she isn't interacting with anyone & I don't have much else to say, but she's so great at playing up the *evil* and it always adds to the atmosphere of the episode~

    • Default avatar Nic December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      sasha pieterse looks as old as charlie weasley, but that didnt stop the writers from pretending she was 15 again!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      LMAO true dat~ I was taken aback at first when I found out she was actually the only actress true to age.

  2. Default avatar Nic December 31st, 2012 / Monday

    p.s I’ve been waiting for this recap for foreveh. so thank you, thank you, thank you!

    p.p.s. weird how the pll writers decided to straighten out adam lambert as if he would want to hit on aria. please, a celebrity into her!? just what she needs for her ego! (although she partially got what she had coming to her humility so ultimately this was a happy episode) but i have to say, as random as the exchange was, i tihnk adam has some real acting talent. he looked so sincere and adorable when he was being nice to her! ***Adam + Aria + Eyeliner Foreveh***

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      p.s. thx for still reading this, two months after the episode actually aired~ and omg I’m so happy that I’m finally all caught up with my Pretty Little Liars recaps. It’s just that after I fell a week behind for an episode, I tend to forget what happens and then my interest in recapping it goes downhill. ;_; I’m going to *really* try and make sure I don’t fall behind schedule again when 3B starts.

      I didn’t even notice that he was trying to flirt with her. *lol* I just thought it was one of the most random & awkward conversations between two human beings ever. Adam was trying to strike up friendly conversation, and then Aria was like O_O x1000 and made things as awkward as possible. And it was such a *missed opportunity* that they didn’t become besties who shared make-up or glam fashion tips~ la sigh.

  3. Default avatar Chacha December 31st, 2012 / Monday

    OMG! I have been waiting for this recap for like EVER! I recently just rewatched it so that I could imagine all the things you could say about this episode! And of course, this was an awesome recap as usual. In regards to the scene with Adam and Aria, I thought it was so corny how they had Aria spell her name on the window so that A could somehow harass her. Also, I was really hoping that Aria got pushed off the train as well. She gives me a headache! Btw I love Kris Allen as well. He’s so talented! Finally, I LOVE YOU! Whoever (or whatever) you are, you are totally awesome and have an avid and loyal fan here! Happy 2013!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      I just rewatched the episode yesterday so everything is fresh in my head too. I’m on a huge PLL fix right now~ :D

      I think the purpose of Adam’s scene is just to get Aria to write her name on the window, but they did it in the most corniest way possible. *lol*

      yay we have enough members to start a kris allen fc at recap everything! <3 Membership is at 2 ppl right now.

      ILU2! Happy 2013 to everyone~~~

  4. Default avatar the BetrAyer December 31st, 2012 / Monday

    Love the recap as usual !! And Adam Lambert as A = genius. You know the writers would go there too . And I have no idea why these liars care about who killed Alison. I means she was a bitch to everyone, I bet all of Rosewood but the PLL’s killed her !

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if there was a huge townwide conspiracy just to plot her death. At this point, I only want to find out who killed Alison DiLaurentis so I can give that person a pat on the back. >:D

  5. Default avatar DarkAngel January 3rd, 2013 / Thursday

    They forgot to tell us that the costume shop is just a regular clothing shop in Rosewood. Where else would the Liars get those outfits and jewelery (besides Aria who clearly practices animal sacrifice in her spear time)

    Aria: Playing dress-up for your man on Halloween is one thing. You do it any other night, you end up on an afternoon talk show.

    So where does putting paper bags with faces drawn on them make you end up? Exile? Radley? Noel or Nate’s cabin of creepers?

    Only Jenna would dress up as a pirate queen for Halloween complete with an eye patch after regaining her sight. The devil knows how to troll, get in digs about Aria and check out Paige. Jenna’s goes gay on Halloween. (my crack ship Jenna/Emily 4eva!)

    Poor Keegan Allen, he found out he was A and got so excited he forgot he supposed to be undercover still. “Man this acting thing is hard.” lolz

    I personally think Ian Harding is just making sketchy faces because he’s so bored with his one note character, that making faces is the only way he can stay awake during his scenes.

    At this rate the whole town probably stood in line and took turns killing Alison.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 7th, 2013 / Monday

      *lololol* I nearly blocked out that incident with the paper bags, that was rock bottom even by their standards. I’m kinda surprised that Ezra doesn’t actually make Aria dress up in some schoolgirl uniforms every night. He looks like he’d be into that kind of kink? And the only afternoon talk show that Ezria will end up being on is Judge Judy, jeebus~

      Totally crossing my fingers for an Emily/Jenna/Paige love triangle~~~ I would love it so much if Jenna was the one who gets in between Paily and ultimately breaks them up.

      I feel like they should have told A’s identity to everyone EXCEPT Keegan Allen. I don’t know how the logistics would work, but he should have been kept in the dark so that he’d continue playing Toby’s character naturally. Now he walks into a scene and I’m expecting a wave of infernal flames to flare up behind him.

      Poor Ian Harding must be praying so hard that something interesting actually happens with his character. Make him A, throw him in jail, push him off a train – just about anything would be better than his role right now.

  6. Default avatar ANoelle January 4th, 2013 / Friday

    I loved that little blind quip Toby made about Jenna. LMFAO. She deserved it.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 7th, 2013 / Monday

      Yeah, Jenna was kinda asking for it with that costume. So on-the-nose, so Jenna~

  7. Default avatar Jane January 5th, 2013 / Saturday

    Why are you so mean to Aria? lol Hey if she died, who would you make fun of then?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 7th, 2013 / Monday

      Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but Aria is secretly my favourite character on the show. Pretty Little Liars wouldn’t be half as ridiculous without her presence. <3

  8. Default avatar Leo January 10th, 2013 / Thursday

    LMAO at the Jason-police debacle at the end. I didn’t notice it, have to rewatch it.
    And no, you’re not the one thinking Jason and Lucas hooking up. In fact, when you recapped “She’s Better Now”, you better make sure to include that scene when Jason can’t stop staring at Toby’s six pack. LOL. Are they pushing a gay Jason agenda?
    And I knew it you secretly love Aria! Ezria is your true ship. LOL.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything January 12th, 2013 / Saturday

      lol~ I admit, the Jason/cop scene was definitely me twisting a scene to my own perverse interpretation.

      Once Toby got his abs out, I don’t think I noticed anything else, so there’s probably some gay subtext that slipped through my radar. ^_^”

  9. Default avatar Tina September 3rd, 2013 / Tuesday

    Amazing episode + amazing recap + TWO Potter references = Heaven

    • Default avatar Recap Everything September 5th, 2013 / Thursday

      Spencer is such a Potterhead. <3

  10. Default avatar PLL Fan December 27th, 2013 / Friday

    Loved the recaps!! And the Harry Potter references! These are all perfect, but there’s no haiku for Garret. Honestly though, I’d be less freaked out by finding Alison’s body bag than I would be thinking that I was drinking drinks cooled by a dead body.

  11. Default avatar Elsa July 30th, 2014 / Wednesday

    I found out your blog a few days ago and I’ve been reading all the pll recaps in order like a crazy person. They are so funny I can’t even stop myself from laughing all alone in my room (doesn’t matter tho, nobody’s watching :p). I really like all your theories about Mike being gay and you shipping him with every random hot guy that makes an appearance in the show! And I love how almost every “joke-theory” you made (ex: the love triangle between Ted, Ashley and Ella) actually happens!
    Love you, keep writing, your blog officially became my guilty pleasure :D

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