Season 3 Episode 12, Pretty Little Liars Recap, The Lady Killer

TOBY IS REVEALED AS A!!! Nate kidnaps Paige and almost kills Emily; Maggie shows up at Ezra’s doorstep to prolong the dumb baby drama.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS!!! HOW DARE YOU!!! How dare you ruin this mythical creature named Toby and tarnish his purity forever!? What have you done with him!? Take off that hoodie, bb! Stay away from the dark side, bb! You mustn’t be evil, you simply mustn’t! Toby being a baddie is like draining the colours out of a beautiful rainbow, or taking the corn away from a magical unicorn, or stripping the red underwear out of the Superman costume. This cannot be happening! How can we tell our children that there are no more heroes in this world!? *sobs*

NOOOOO, CURSE YOU DAMN SHOW!!! GIVE ME BACK THE NON-EVIL TOBY!!! GIVE HIM BACK TO MEEEEE!!! ;_;

I’m just kidding. I think half the fanbase had an epic meltdown after Toby was revealed to be A, but I totally won’t admit that I was one of them. *cool shades* But that was some pretty crazy shit, right? At the time, it felt like somebody punched me in the stomach and said GUESS WHAT!? YOUR MOTHER IS A!!! I mean, seriously, any one of our mothers would be a more sensible and less shocking candidate to be A than effing Toby. Who saw that plot twist coming?

What obviously happened was that the fans had such a disappointing reaction to Mona being A in the last finale, so PLL went in the opposite direction by choosing the unlikeliest candidate this time around. Those bastards were probably like: “You know what would REALLY fuck with the viewers’ heads? *picks random name out of a hat*”

Once the initial shock died down, I wholeheartedly admit this was a brilliant way to make Toby’s character relevant again. Let’s face it, the guy hasn’t been involved in a major storyline since, erm, the first half of Season 1? Up until now, his only contribution is nodding his head enthusiastically at Spencer’s snarky lines. I mean, you could replace him with a mannequin and nobody would notice the difference!

One of my biggest complaints about Toby is that his head seemed permanently attached to Spencer’s ass ever since he became a Designated Love Interest. He behaved more like her lapdog than a standalone character with independent thoughts and motives. Now that he is secretly A, this puts an interesting twist to his whole yes-man persona, and I’m intrigued by the new direction that they are taking with his character.

Besides, it was only a matter of time before the toxic side effects of Toby’s hair gel seeped into his brain circuits and warped him into an evil mastermind, so I guess the plot twist wasn’t that shocking on hindsight.

Just to put it into perspective… at this point last season, Toby said he wanted to MAKE BABIES with Spencer! Remember when he said that crap and we were all like “aww that’s kinda creepy, Toby. But it’s the good kind of creepy! :D” Now I feel like I have to entirely reassess his character and figure out what this shady motherfucker is up to. I mean, the dude sits in a rocking chair, surrounded by walls of stalker photos, while staring at his own gloomy reflection. Sorry diehard Toby fans, but something clearly isn’t right with this kid’s head! O_o

BTW, the worst outcome is if Toby turns out to be *secretly good* and he was acting as a *double agent* who infiltrated The A Team to protect Spencer. This theory was brought up by many Spoby fans desperately clutching at straws, but it’s such a lame cop-out and I will lose so much respect for the show if they go down that predictable route. If they had the balls to make Toby A, then I want them to OWN the fact that Toby is a 100% baddie who’s just using and manipulating Spencer all along. Own your villainy, Pretty Little Liars! Own it!

Before we officially begin the rest of this Pretty Little Liars recap, can I remind everyone about the most obnoxious promotional campaign ever? Yes, I’m tAlking About thAt Annoying crAp where they cApitalized the letter A in every fucking word, which I can’t type out without an uncontrollable urge to destroy my keyboard. Earlier this summer, you couldn’t navigate through anything related to ABC Family without seeing a constant barrage of commercials about “zomg there will be a shocking betrAyal on Pretty Little Liars!!! …only eleven more weeks until we make the actual reveal!!!”

It was evident that some junior writer thought they were soooo clever after realizing that you can’t spell the word ‘betrayal’ without the letter A twice (~omg so symbolic~), and now everybody in production has jumped onto this hot potato. If you took a look at the new PLL webisode series (spoiler alert: nobody watches them), you’d realize there’s a BIG OBNOXIOUS CAPITAL A LETTER in literally every episode title. Okay, we get it, Pretty Little Liars, the letter A is one of the 26 letters in the English alphabet! You don’t need to highlight it every time it appears in a word!

It wasn’t that cute the first time they did this, so I hope to god they don’t make this a recurring thing on the show. (Spoiler alert: apparently, the third season finale is called… “A Dangerous GAme” *killmenow*)

The faux Pretty Little Liars finale begins in the middle of the night, as Hanna gives her tear ducts a good ole routine exercise. Since there’s a dead body being transported into an ambulance, the show WANTS you to think that Caleb dies in this episode… except how *heartless* would Aria & Spencer have to be if they weren’t crying over his alleged death as well? The dead person can’t be that important if it only warranted 1 crying actress out of 4.

Therefore, the red herring was obvious, the misdirection was unsuccessful, and this scene basically served no purpose other than showcase Hanna’s ugly cryface. CRY BITCH CRY!

In the next scene, we flashback to two days ago as these bitches come up with more ridiculous reasons to bully Paige.

Spencer: Paige was jealous of Ali. We know that Paige was jealous of Maya, and she was with Emily that night. It was easy for her to set us up.
Aria: Right, and she must have the other earring, so she must have Ali’s body, right?

LOLWUT. I’ve seen more logic about a murder investigation during a game of Clue than this effing conversation. The best part is when Hanna pointed out all the flaws in their conspiracy theory by saying: “I wanna know why Paige would drug herself if she was a guilty ho? :o)” and then Spencer was like “ARE YOU WITH US OR AGAINST US!? *squinty eyes* One more rebuttal from you, missy, and I’ll accuse you of killing Alison too!”

Emily: We found a lot of other things exactly where A has put them. Three against one. A wins.

And then Emily immediately debunks their crazy theories with one sentence. PWNAGE. It was kinda amazing that the writers figured out this loophole all on their own though, since what normally happens is the fans bitch about it in message boards and blogs before the writers come to terms with their own stupidity.

Hanna was concerned about Emily’s well-being after the failed intervention, but Aria somehow changed topics and made the drama all about herself instead.

Hanna: omg i hope emily isn’t too upset. :(
Aria: BORED NOW. LET’S TALK ABOUT MEMEME. *poutyface* She was totally right on calling me out for lying this morning. If anybody needs an intervention, it’s me.

Wow Aria, it’s not all about you for once, ok? Never underestimate this girl’s ability to behave like a total self-centered twat. Can’t she at least fake some concern towards Emily and give it a rest with her STOOPID baby mama drama that nobody cares about?

Aria: Wes let it slip that Ezra got a girl pregnant before he left for college. (Please note the affection nickname for Ezra’s baby brother. I can’t wait until the scene where she accidentally calls Ezra by the wrong name during sex.) Their mom paid her to take care of it, but she didn’t take care of it and had the baby. It’s a little boy. And I’m not done. I found the baby’s mom, but I didn’t tell Ezra. He thinks she had an abortion.

OMGGASP. They said the dreaded A word on the show! I guess ABC Family deems it okay to use the word since Maggie didn’t really get an abortion? Hopefully the easily impressionable teen girls watching the show won’t be like “THEY MENTION ABORTIONS ON THE SHOW SO I MUST RUSH OUT AND GET ONE TOO~” :o)”

Oh look, what a convenient time for Maggie to show up at Ezra’s doorstep just as the baby mama drama is heating up on Ezria’s end! Actually, Ezra and Maggie meeting up wouldn’t be *that* strange if it was just between the two of them. But as usual, Aria’s existence made things a lot more awkward. Last episode, she adopted a fake identity and hijacked an elementary school classroom in order to spy on Maggie and her kid. Since all of these actions seemed like the work of a mentally unstable person, Maggie’s reaction was understandably O_O when she sees Aria at her ex-boyfriend’s apartment.

Can I just preface this part of the recap with a big disclaimer of I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE? Oh my god, this baby mama drama has to be the most banal Ezria storyline to date and it gets worse with each passing episode. Watching Aria ponder stuff like: “BUT WHAT IF EZRA FINDS OUT HE HAS A SON!? O_O” is the last thing that I care about in my life. I don’t wanna watch this storyline, I don’t wanna write about this storyline, and I don’t wanna waste my brainpower on this storyline. The only thing I wanna do is push this storyline in front of a speeding truck and then clap my hands together in glee.

When the show comes back for the second half of the season, I want the writers to kill this plot ASAP. Kill Maggie. Kill Malcolm. Kill Aria. Kill Ezra, slowly, with a chainsaw. I don’t care, just douse everyone in gasoline and kill the whole storyline with fire. Put me out of my misery and make this bullshit stop.

Aria: What are you doing here?
Maggie: I was curious. He’s the father of my son.
Aria: Yeah, he deserves to know that. Did you come here to tell him?
Maggie: Maybe. I’m not sure. Look, I’ve been through a lot. I need some time to sort this all out. I’ve earned it, okay?
Aria: No! No, it’s not okay!

LMAO. Who does Aria think she is!? I don’t think there’s anybody with less authority over this issue than her. Of course, Aria is only concerned that Ezra will be angry at her for lying to him about the truth. Maggie reassures Aria that she has no interest in getting involved in her drama vortex, so the two of them should stay out of each other’s beeswax.

Okay, let’s get real here. The bitch obviously showed up at Ezra’s doorstep with the intent of stirring shit up, but here’s what REALLY happened, as interpreted by Recap Everything.

Maggie made this visit to tell Ezra about his son, prolly because she wanted to get more alimony money out of the Fitzgerald fortune pie or whatever. But then Maggie saw that crazy piece of jailbait at the door and went like “OHHH HELL NO. I ain’t exposing my son to a pedo’s voodoo lifestyle! No amount of money is worth corrupting our moral principles!” So Maggie changed her mind on the spot, and that’s why she begged Aria to keep the secret about Malcolm. She decided that a fatherless son is still better than being Ezra Fitzgerald’s son.

Can I just say that Maggie is kind of a dumb bitch? I mean, anyone who’s stupid enough to have sexual relations with Ezra must be a few eggs short of a baker’s dozen, but Maggie’s actions have been incomprehensibly idiotic.

“Oh hurr durr durr, I’m gonna come back into Ezra’s life for absolutely no reason and risk losing custody rights over my precious son! And then I’m gonna get into a petty feud with a high school girl whose special talent is thriving on ridiculous drama!”

I’m sorry Maggie, but look at your life and look at your decisions. In what way does the bitch think she’ll benefit out of this mess!?

The best part about Maggie’s visit is when the writers couldn’t be bothered to write dialogue for them anymore, so they just threw their subsequent scenes into a music montage and called it a day. Here we see Maggie and Ezra eating cake and engaging in some age-appropriate conversations with each other…

…and then the camera cuts to Aria brooding by the kitchen table, making all sorts of pouty faces, while silently shooting dagger eyes at Maggie. *lmao*

Spencer and Paige have an intense conversation at school, except Spencer was too chickenshit to call Paige out for killing Ali & Maya, so she just made vague implications like “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MURDEROO~” Paige, being Paige, responded to the unwarranted confrontation by saying lulzy things like “If you don’t back down, you’re the one who’s gonna get hurt~ :D” And Spencer, being Spencer, interpreted her statement as “VALIDATION! CONFIRMATION! CONFESSION! BITCH TOTALLY BRAGGED ABOUT KILLING ALISON OMFG!!!”

Afterwards, Paige asks Emily why all of her friends are such conniving little bitches. Actually, there’s another C-lettered word that I really want to use to describe Spencer’s behaviour over these past two episodes, but Imma keep it a classy recap and refrain from speaking in vulgar profanities. Let’s just say the word starts with C, ends with T, and it’s not COCONUT.

Aria: This is probably Paige’s killing time so she can find a way to weasel herself out of this.
Hanna: I’m just thinking about Emily. She finally gets over Maya and now she’s stuck with some twisted psycho bitch.
Spencer: THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HER PLAN ALL ALONG. GET RID OF US SO SHE CAN HAVE EMILY ALL TO HERSELF.

Oh my god, Spencer. You sound like a legitimately crazy person. *lol* I’m just scratching my head, trying to figure out why these bitches are so convinced that Paige is the killer. I know I make my own fair share of Psycho Paige jokes too, but the only “evidence” they have against the poor girl is a misplaced earring. It’s not like they found a knife drenched in Alison’s blood hidden inside Paige’s bag, y’know? Maybe they should lay off the accusations until the innocent is proven guilty?

Under the assumption that Emily is lezzing it up with a murderer, the pretty little liars go through their usual routine of “omg let’s tell our parents, let’s tell the police, let’s tell that crack therapist who speaks to empty chairs about this!” It actually seems like the girls might put their collective brain cells together and proceed with a logical plan for once, so A immediately tells these bitches to STFU because the show would reach a ~*creative dead end*~ if the parents or the police ever got too involved with the storylines.

A: Stand down, bitches. Play it my way and Emily stays safe. – A

I threw in that random Dr. Sullivan reference because I wanted to mention something VERRRRY INTERESTING about the last season finale.

Anne: I never thought I’d find the strength to come back here, but your friend showed up and he was very convincing. I helped people push through their fears, but he helped me push through mine.

Remember how we were all confused when Dr. Sullivan made a cameo in the last finale and suddenly mentioned a deep personal connection with Toby that happened off-camera? I personally dismissed it as the show’s clumsy attempt to tie up an unnecessary loose end, but it turns out Toby used a different kind of “convincing” on the poor doctor, which may or may not involve pliers and rope. (Could it be!? Could Pretty Little Liars actually plan ahead and came up with The Toby Twist since last season? =O)

Emily’s bare shoulders are still very pissed off at her friends, despite the pretty little liars’ attempts at reconciliation. I mean, they call Paige a “twisted psycho bitch” and then they wonder why Emily doesn’t talk to them anymore.

Hanna: Hi Em, it’s me. Please don’t hang up. I wanna make sure you are okay. Look, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but we are here for you.
Emily: You’re right. It doesn’t seem like it. *hangs up*

LOLLERS~ Emily is such a motherfucking boss, just constantly owning her friends in every scene. I love it.

This episode features Garrett’s murder trial, so Emily wants to avoid all the reporters and media attention by going away on a ~*field trip*~ with Nate. The two of them are having an overnight getaway at Maya’s lake house. His parents will be there too, so it’s totes gonna be 100% safe for Emily!

Emily: It’s our way of celebrating Maya before this whole thing becomes all about Garrett.

Oh I see, “celebrating Maya.” *lol* And how exactly are you planning to achieve that, Emily? Roll up a joint and get high with Maya’s family members? Recite crappy poetry and post the videos into an online blog? Have lots of lesbian sex in a candlelit bedroom?

Pam makes an increasingly rare cameo on the show, expressing concern that it might not be the best idea to for her daughter to spend time with stranger danger.

Pam: And Nate’s still just a friend? *raises eyebrows*

A little bit of wishful thinking there, eh Pam? Emily reassures her mom that she’s not in danger, so Mama Fields can continue being an absentee parent like all the others who are not part of the regular cast.

Paige can’t accompany Emily on her weekend getaway because she’s too busy getting threatened by A! She was ordered to show up at the Rosewood Cemetery on a Saturday night or *strategically placed thumb* gets hurt! I’m not sure why PLL thought it was necessary to conceal part of the message, except they wanted to be particularly obnoxious at making a simple plot as ridiculously complicated as possible.

(BTW Paige totally doesn’t seem like the type of gal who’d wear that colour of nail polish. Is this Emily’s doing?)

A also commands the pretty little liars to go to the cemetery at the same time as Paige, so who knows what kind of complicated shit A came up with? To be fair, I don’t think the writers knew either? We’re supposed to believe that The A Team had this super elaborate scheme all planned out, but as usual it’s just PLL blowing smoke up our asses. Since Nate’s storyline hijacked the rest of the episode, all of these A scenes are pretty much ~*filler filler filler*~. So yeah, don’t expect any kind of resolution or explanation about A’s so-called plan in this episode. You definitely won’t be getting one.

I can skip writing about all the subsequent A scenes since they are essentially pointless… (Philosophical question: can I skip writing all the recaps since the entire show is essentially pointless?) However, I need to point out this hilariously morbid message from A: “Tell Emily and I’ll leave you holding the bag”, which is attached to an actual picture of Alison’s dead corpse in a body bag. *lmao* Well played, A. Best death threat ever?

The pretty little liars are so spooked out by A’s threats that they get paranoid over the tiniest of things. When they hear a door opening, all of them jump to the natural conclusion that OMG PAIGE BROKE INTO HANNA’S HOUSE AND NOW SHE’S GONNA KILL US ;_; …except the intruder turns out to Caleb, who almost got his head bashed in by his own girlfriend.

Hanna: CALEB!? What are you doing here!? I almost killed you!!!
Caleb: With a pink furry lamp, Hanna???

Hey, at least it’s a more glamorous way to die than what poor Alison and Maya went through!

These three dumb bitches will have a life expectancy rate of zero if they walk into a showdown versus Psycho Paige and all 47 registered members of The A Team, so it’s a good thing Caleb agreed to be their undercover bodyguard at the cemetery. Goodness knows the pretty little liars need at least ONE competent person on their team to make it a fair match.

Hanna must have expected her boyfriend to protect them with a rape whistle or something, because she freaked out after discovering that Caleb has a gun in his possession. (I bet his rich mommy bought him that too.) Frankly, I’m a bit shocked that Hanna is so strict on gun control, since she seems like the kind of chick who’d be like “ooh guns are so sexy~ *pew pew* ^_^” However, she told Caleb straight-up that he won’t get laid until he got rid of his firearm, so he puts it away in her underwear drawer…only to retrieve the gun five minutes later when she’s out of the room. Welp, so glad these two worked out all of their trust issues then~

OH MY GODDDDD IT’S ANGIE~~~

Forget Toby being A. The BIGGEST revelation in this episode is the validated existence of Angie, the Anonymous Barista from Episode 1. (Remember how Toby said “kthxangie ^_^” after she brought him his coffee, and then a star was born.) It turns out that OMG SHE IS A REAL PERSON U GUISE! AND SHE HAS A FACE TOO!!! If she keeps this up, Angie might get to speak an actual line by the time of the season finale!

At this point, I don’t see how anybody can *DENY* the obvious fact that Angie is helping Toby and must be the mastermind behind the A Team. Just look at this shady looking chick with a tablet sticking out of her front pocket. Um, can they make it any more blatant that she was the one who sent those electronic threats throughout the episode???

I mean, it’s no coincidence that Angie’s appearance is immediately followed by Toby’s return to the show. *in my best Spencer voice* I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, ANGIE!!! I AM ONTO YOUR GAME!!!

Anyway, Toby is back in town! Nobody even remembers why he left in the first place, so the two of them just start making out with each other. Spencer was pretty much like ZOMG I NEED MY TOBY FUEL and plugged her lips into his outlet for what seemed like an eternity. After all, those evil sacks writing for Pretty Little Liars made sure the Spoby scenes were ~*extra romantic*~ just so the final moment of the episode will feel all the more damning.

By the way, Pretty Little Liars went LEGIT INSANE with the camera control while recording this scene. During the Spoby reunion, the camera spun around in a frigging nonstop 360-degree circular rotation. The camera was literally orbiting around the couple at a speed of a million miles per hour. Holy hell, I haven’t seen this much spinning since one of those unbearable Ezria scenes from last season!

I dunno why the show thinks rapid camera rotation is supposed to be romantic, but this misconception needs to be clarified and stopped immediately. Are they trying to give their viewers a seizure? If that’s the case, most of the dialogue on this show is already nausea-inducing on its own, so we don’t need the spinny camera movements to cause us more physical discomfort too.

This is totally news to me, but apparently Toby and Spencer have sex for the first time in this episode, and she finally lost her virginity to him. WTF!? I thought they have crossed that penetration threshold long ago? I just assumed that all those times they made out and the camera cuts away from them *signify* that they were having hot steamy sex with each other. Like, what da hell? Did you mean to tell me that Spencer peeled down the banana all the way, but she never actually nibbled on it until now? Then what the hell have they been doing with each other’s bodies all this time!?!?

When they’re done having sex, Spencer made the novice mistake of wanting to ~*talk about their feelings*~ afterwards, so she asks Toby why he ran away like a little bitch several episodes ago. Toby quickly dropped the I LOVE YOU bomb just to get her to shut the fuck up. Spencer immediately melted into a puddle of teenage girl mess, so she goes like ILY2 GIGGLE GIGGLE and didn’t ask any more questions afterwards. Crisis averted!

HELLO SPENCER? IRONY SPEAKING. The greatest irony of Toby being A is Spencer seemed SOSOSO convinced that Emily hooked up with a murderer, but Paige turned out to be a Good Guy (for now) and Spencer is actually the one getting played by a dangerous psycho here. It’s kinda delicious to see Spencer get a bitter taste of her own medicine, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

Once she arrived at the lake house, Emily finally figures out that Nate isn’t such a good guy when he holds a knife to her throat. I think his whole crazy shtick is that he gets off on killing unattainable lesbian chicks who won’t wet his whistle or something.

During his “this is why I did it” monologue, Nate rambles about loving Maya so much that he killed her, and then he blamed Emily for taking her away from him, and now he’s gonna get his revenge by painting the walls with her blood. IDK IDK, it was something along those lines, because none of this made any sense even for a crazy person’s logic.

In case it wasn’t flipping obvious, we get confirmation that Nate isn’t actually Maya’s cousin. In fact, Nate isn’t even this guy’s real name!

Nate: You’re underestimating me, Emily. I’ve been planning this for months. They think you are here with Nate St-Germain. And he doesn’t exist.
Emily: Who are you!? Really???
Nate: Landon. I’m Landon James.

Whatever, the psycho can call himself the Easter Bunny as long as he’s still waving around that knife, nobody is gonna argue any differently. But can we cut all the babbling and get on with the killing already? I WANNA SEE SOME BLOOD SPILLED!!!

OMG PAIGE. GURL U IN DANJA~~~

Normally, I’d be rooting for the baddies to slay some of the show’s protagonists just for my own entertainment, so I didn’t really care whether Emily lived or died in this episode, because… meh. *shrugs shoulders* However, Recap Everything is such a huge fan of Paige, so I was definitely rooting for her psychotic ass to live for another day. When Landon revealed that he has kidnapped Paige and planned on killing her in front of Emily, my reaction was NOOOO LEAVE PAIGE ALONE. ;_; EMILY, GO SACRIFICE YOURSELF AND KEEP YOUR GIRLFRIEND ALIVE!!!

BTW is anyone a little disturbed that Nate only seems to target the ladies who mack on other ladies? All three of his victims are our sisters under the LGBT umbrella, so I’m pretty sure this can be classified as a ~*hate crime*~. I’m not too sure about what point I want to make here, except Nate shouldn’t discriminate which bitches to murder based on their sexual orientation. All I’m saying is there are a couple of other twats that I wouldn’t mind if he massacred in this episode (*cough cough Aria Montgomery*), so maybe he shouldn’t be so narrow-minded with his choice of murder victims?

For somebody who had plotted this evil murder for months, it seems strange that Nate didn’t think about tying up Emily with rope, which allowed her to grab her cell phone and escape when he wasn’t looking her way. Dude, I thought you were a professional at this? Why such an amateur mistake?

There was an unintentionally funny moment when Nate had his back turned for a moment, so Emily used this opportunity to make a mad dash out of the room. For a second there, I legitimately thought Emily was in self-perseverance mode and just abandoned her girlfriend in the presence of a crazed killer. *lmao* TRUE COLOURS SHINING THROUGH~~~ Unfortunately that wasn’t the case at all, but it could have been an epic character-defining moment and I’d totally champion Emily if she had ditched the bitch in order to save her own life instead.

Emily was kinda smart in the sense that she instinctively knew she was Nate’s real target, and he would never kill Paige unless she was there to witness the blood tribute. So, running out of the room meant that Nate would chase after her, which was actually the safest scenario for her girlfriend Paige. I mean, that makes ZERO SENSE to any other normal person, but we’re dealing with an insane madman here so the logic seems to flow together.

Unfortunately, Emily wasn’t smart enough to choose a discrete hiding place as a psychotic murderer is chasing after her ass. She must have seen the shiny light and thought: “OOH LEMME CLIMB UP THIS LIGHTHOUSE WHERE NATE CAN EASILY SEE ME FROM THE OUTSIDE AND I HAVE NO MEANS OF ESCAPE. BRILLIANT DIVERSON PLAN, EM~ ^_^” I mean, I understand that she was trying to get a phone signal up there, but she could have at least leaned against the door and obstructed the entrance or something! I want to root for Emily, but girlfriend needs to think with her head!!!

It didn’t take long before Nate caught up to Emily in the lighthouse. A violent brawl took place between them, where Emily did a lot of nail clawing and crotch kicking to save her life. She put up a good fight, but Nate was just too strong and easily overpowered her. He THREW her against the floor and tried to STAB her in the boobs. This scene was actually pretty scary because this mofo wasn’t fucking around and he definitely wanted her *dead*.

The best way to describe this fight is if we imagine Nate and Emily were the final two of the Hunger Games, and now they had to engage in a FIGHT TO THE DEATH scenario with just a knife between them. That’s how intense it was!

Alas, Emily somehow got hold of the weapon and stabbed a deep knife wound into Nate’s abdomen. Nate was like “Watch…me…on The New Normal. *croaks*” and Emily started going all BAWBAWBAW ;_; because holy marbles, she actually killed someone!!!

POOR EMILY. Let’s recap the night’s devastating events, shall we?

1.) She found out Maya’s cousin was actually Maya’s murderer.
2.) Paige got kidnapped, tortured, and nearly killed in front of her.
3.) She was chased by a psycho who tried to stab her to death. AND THEN SHE KILLED HIM.

I know she only killed a man out of self-defense, but no seventeen-year-old teenager deserves to have that on their conscience. That was some seriously dark traumatic shit Emily went through, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was psychologically scarred for the rest of her life. Hell, I know I would be. I just wanna give her character a hug. STAY STRONG GURL~ D: D: D:

Meanwhile, the pretty little liars (ft. Caleb) realize that Emily might be in danger, so they scatter across town in search of her. They were all pretty useless in rescuing her, but at least Caleb was slightly less useless than the others because he found Emily at the lighthouse. Emily had already killed Nate, so she was just a big ball of emotional mess at this point…

…and then Caleb was like WELP LEMME PUT DOWN MAH GUN *RIGHT HERE* TO GIVE EMILY A HUG. BUT HMM, HOW BIZARRE IS IT THAT THEY’D INTRODUCE A PLOT DEVICE IN THIS EPISODE AND THEN NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT? I WAS SO SURE SOMEBODY WOULD GET SHOT IN THIS EPISODE, BUT IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET. *shrugs* OH WELL, THAT GUN IS OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND~~~

Hilariously enough, Nate uses his dying breath to pick up the misplaced gun and shoots Caleb for being such a careless dumbass. *lolpwnt*

OMG Hanna, calm down on the melodrama! Your boyfriend will live, okay? It looked like the bullet barely scraped past his bellybutton. *rolls eyes* From the way she was crying, you’d think the bullet shot his peen and made him impotent for the rest of his life. Just to put it into perspective, both Emily and Paige were dry-eyed after being held at knifepoint earlier tonight, so Hanna really needs to wipe off that mascara and get a grip over herself. -_-”

Nate is certified dead and crazy, which means Garrett is a free man acquitted of all his charges. Now he can go live a long and prosperous life for the rest of this series. Your bright and endless future is just right ahead of you, young man! Live like there is no tomorrow! Long live Garrett Reynolds! :D

Unfortunately, Pretty Little Liars won’t acknowledge the fact that NOBODY thinks Garrett is guilty of anything anymore, so they continue to play sinister music even when he starts smiling to himself. WTF. C’mon, this is an innocent guy who didn’t get charged over a crime that he never committed. Of course he’s going to be happy and smiley about it. Let’s not twist something out of nothing, PLL. Just let the poor guy celebrate this one tiny victory, can’t you?

I think A’s plan was to get Garrett out of jail by framing Paige over the murder instead. However, Nate started knocking out bitches left and right, so there was a last minute change of plans. Afterwards, The A Team personally phoned up Emily, thanking her for some reason, and then Emily was just like “ya ur welcome? *scratches head*”

(Is it just me or has A been completely extraneous in this episode? It’s almost like they made that phone call just to place their mark on something, as if to say: “Oh look, look at us, we weren’t totally obsolete in this eppy!”)

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what The A Team was plotting, and it really doesn’t matter if any of these characters are dead or alive, and it certainly doesn’t matter how Mona obtained a nurse’s uniform or how she suddenly escaped from the asylum. None of that crap matters. All the viewers will be talking about are those last five seconds of the show, so the writers knew they’d get away with writing a lazy incoherent narrative for the rest of the episode and nobody would be any wiser.

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25 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous December 3rd, 2012 / Monday

    No, Toby! Not the Blaine Anderson effect!
    It’s that fucking hairgel, I’m telling you.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 3rd, 2012 / Monday

      We need to start an anti-hairgel campaign to save Toby before it’s too late. *grabs razor*

  2. Default avatar DM December 3rd, 2012 / Monday

    LMAO @ long live Garrett!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 3rd, 2012 / Monday

      *lol* Poor Garrett. :(

  3. Default avatar Alex December 4th, 2012 / Tuesday

    I love reading these recaps! This one didn’t disappoint in the slightest. Now if only you could get to that Teen Wolf season 2 *wink wink nudge nudge*

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      I swear the Teen Wolf recaps will resume (commence?) right after I finished that last Pretty Little Liars recap. I can’t vouch for WHEN that will happen though… o_o

  4. Default avatar Nic December 4th, 2012 / Tuesday

    “Philosophical question: can I skip writing all the recaps since the entire show is essentially pointless?” No! No! No, you can’t, because, you see, you can’t, well…You cant stop recapping because then I -and the writers of PLL- would forget all the abandoned plot threads, including Angie the barrista. I am still watching this show for the simple reason that I am holding out for the day when they explain how Mona snuck all the A Alpha Bits into Emily’s cereal box. And gave emily that massage. (aside: its like watching a magic show, where none of the tricks get explained) and how a was always privvy to their convos. you see, if i squeak about these things on recap everything, the writers have to oil me. and that is why you must continue recapping.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      I never forgot Angie from the moment she brought Toby his coffee. She’s such a star. <3 I'm amazed that the PLL writers actually remembered her though~

      OMG that totes explains why so many characters suddenly vanish as part of the magician's ~*disappearing act*~.

      Yes, Recap Everything must continue for the sole reason of documenting every bit of ridiculousness in this show. For instance, the cereal box trick was LEGENDARY and I should have gone more in depth during the recap, but:

      a.) A had to hijack a cereal box and replace all of its contents somehow. Did Toby and Mona stay up all night at the cereal factory just to collect and organize all the letters?

      b.) A had to make sure Emily somehow grabbed that specific cereal box (unless A replaced every cereal box in the cafeteria stock, which wouldn't make sense because every student in Rosewood would have been threatened lmao)

      c.) A had to somehow make sure that Emily wanted to eat cereal on that particular day. Imagine if she was like "WELP I'm not feeling hungry today *puts box away*" and all of the A team would be like NOOO ;A;

  5. Default avatar Nic December 4th, 2012 / Tuesday

    also, you’re wrong about dr. sullivan. she is a werewolf therapist on ouat…for real…she counsels werewolfs. the reason why she had to leave is because it was a full moon. and, might i say about the way she looked as a wolf, awwooooooo.

    • Default avatar Caitlin December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

      Oh my God THAT’S WHY SHE LOOKED SO FREAKING FAMILIAR.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      Dr. Sullivan moving on from one set of bitches to another <3 And lmao @ how Once Upon a Time keeps stealing all of its actors from Pretty Little Liars.

  6. Default avatar Love It December 4th, 2012 / Tuesday

    I love that you almost called Spencer a C U Next Tuesday

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      LMAO~ that’s especially perfect since PLL airs on Tuesdays. *gigglesnort* :D

  7. Default avatar J December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

    My friend and I watched this drunk because college, and I cannot even begin to describe how not fun that Spencer/Toby spinning kiss was. Ack :/

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      I’m pretty sure all of the PLL writers are drunk and half-conscious before they work on the scripts, so you definitely aren’t alone. 8D

      BUT omg that #spinning!kiss might be one of the lowest points in this show. It’s like a merry-go-around that never stops~~~ D:

  8. Default avatar ANoelle December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

    YAYYY ANOTHER RECAP! :D

    I actually feel bad for Spencer. That girl is losing her God-given mind and when she finds out that Toby is “A”/part of the A Team… (I actually can’t wait to see what Troian is going to do with this. I think she’s the best actor on the show.)

    Also, I miss the old font. And your recaps of The Walking Dead. ;A;

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      Spencer’s meltdown is going to be glorious when it happens, but I’m looking forward to the moment when she gets into scorned lover mode and kicks some evil A ass. The showdown between Spencer vs. Toby is gonna be ~*epic*~.

      I’m actually not a big fan of this font either because I don’t like the way the asterisks look. I’ll go into the style sheets and *Calibri* the fonts when I have the chance.

      And fun fact: I’m getting an unproportionally high amount of traffic for The Walking Dead even though I posted one recap for the show and gave up. :D I’m going to marathon Season 2 & Season 3 (+ a lotta other shows D:) so I’ll be sure to share my FASCINATING INSIGHTS with y’all when that happens.

  9. Default avatar the BetrAyer December 5th, 2012 / Wednesday

    Just had to do it with the username haha But great recap as usual ! Can’t wait for the Halloween episode . Let me just say it isn’t a party till there’s a body in the drink cooler :-)

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      “omg there will be a betrAyal~~~”
      “omg one of these people will betrAy the pretty little liars~~~”
      “omg who is the betrAyer u guise~~~”

      WORST CAMPAIGN EVER. D: Or should I say worst cAmpAign ever? D:

      I thought this midseason finale was pretty good, but the Halloween episode was even more amazing and ridiculous than I ever hoped for. Any episode where Aria nearly dies from falling off a train is a golden episode for me. :D

  10. Default avatar DarkAngel December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

    Yay! another recap.

    Great as always. You can never stop recapping the ridiculousness of this show, it needs you.

    Poor Spence, it’s that awkward moment when your enemies may not be on the A team but your friends sure are. lolz

    Nate has been acting like a crazy person this entire time, he even scared the devil herself Jenna Marshall and Emily’s like he’s totes cool, i’m going to go spend the night with him in the cabin in the middle of nowhere, we are going to smoke some weed and talk about how awesome Maya was, when she really wasn’t all that great. It’s not like I hail from a town full of crazy psychos, what could go possibly go wrong?

    So lets talk about what happened to the love interests this episode, Toby got laid and is an evil mofo, Caleb almost got killed by a pink furry lamp and then got shot, Paige was accused of killing everyone in Spencer’s insane mind and then got kidnapped, Ezra ate cake.

    Which one doesn’t belong?

    I can’t wait for your Halloween ep recap!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 6th, 2012 / Thursday

      lmao scared the devil herself~ :D Seriously, when someone manages to OUTEVIL Jenna, that should send red flags flying up everywhere. Besides, Nate basically had two modes during his PLL stint: a.) *acts like a skeevy pervert and makes inappropriate advances on mah cousin’s lesbian ex-girlfriend* and b.) *acts like a violent psycho thug and goes threatening bitches to their faces* AND Emily still considered him a safe overnight companion. Oh girl. -_-”

      You described the love interests perfectly. Ezra’s only redeeming trait is the possibility that he might be secretly A who’s screwing over Aria in more ways than one. Now that Toby stole the storyline away from him, he’s pretty much obsolete at this point.

  11. Default avatar ANoelle December 16th, 2012 / Sunday

    Can’t wait for the Halloween special! :DD

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      Thanks for waiting~ :DD

  12. Default avatar Jane December 27th, 2012 / Thursday

    Will you put up the Halloween recap soon?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything December 31st, 2012 / Monday

      Yep! It’s posted! :)

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