Season 2 Episode 9, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Picture This

Aria has sex dreams about Jason DiLaurentis; Jason’s peculiar hobby comes to light.

OH MY GOD!!!

After dragging out the tedious foreplay for thirty episodes, Aria and Fitz are finally seen doing the big nasty together! And you thought they were gonna be a chaste innocent little relationship between a teacher and his former pupil up until the day they get happily married, right? Ha!

No more of this hand holding, eye gazing, hair stroking lovey-dovey bullcrap! Aria and Ezra are having raunchy, shameless, lustful, creepy, and barely legal sex together! GEDDIT GURL~~~

In fact, Aria and Ezra kept going at it until the morning alarm clock rang. Yeah, that’s right…they didn’t sleep a wink! They had hot passionate sex ALL NIGHT LONG! There’s a lot of sex they have to catch up on for the past thirty episodes, after all.

Then suddenly, shirtless Ezra morphs into shirtless Jason and Aria is like “Yeah I could work with that” as she dives in for a kiss! GEDDIT AGAIN AND AGAIN, GURL~~~~~

And then she wakes up, booooo!

It turns out none of that was real. Aria was just feeling horny as she fantasized about macking on two guys, and her vagina is still unfortunately a barren wasteland.

Spencer breaks into the morgue again to retrieve more information about Allison’s murder, while Emily and Hanna tag along because they didn’t get to wear the cute candy-striper costumes last episode. Spencer’s plans were foiled by a password-protected computer.

Emily: What is password protection!? I didn’t know computers have that functionality!
Spencer: Tell me about it. I’m still getting my head wrapped around the notion of a computer back-up.

Jenna is applying for a medical procedure to regain her eyesight, so that she can see the scared shitless expressions on the liars’ faces!

Emily is getting rid of every bit of cream in the house, from hand cream to ice cream, so that she won’t get poisoned again. At first Hanna was reluctant to throw away the expensive crap that she stole, but Emily’s like “You can keep it as long as you don’t mind having sweatier balls than your boyfriend” which changes her mind immediately.

Papa Marin is getting married again, and Hanna is asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Hanna bitches and moans about how much she doesn’t even wanna attend. Can you imagine Hanna killing it at a wedding reception with ten-inch high heels, a slutty dress and possibly a margarita in her hand as she makes bitchy remarks about Isabel? It will be epic and therefore must happen.

OMG. Poor Emily. She can’t catch a break, can she? *lol*

First the fake scholarship, then the poisoned cream, and now the steroid test results. It’s like the other liars get a free pass, because A is so focused on just fucking with Emily’s life and kicking her while she’s already down. What is this vendetta against Emily Fields? A is so hilariously awful to her in particular and I ~love~ it!

Aria confesses to her friend that she had a wet dream about Jason last night. And Emily is like OMG SLUT, DETAILS PLEASE.

Aria doesn’t think it is her fault that a hot naked Jason has been invading her dreams, since she can’t control how her brain works when she’s sleeping. Oh, we have plenty of evidence that Aria has no control over her brain regardless the time of day, believe you me.

Emily doesn’t understand why her friend is being such a greedy two-timing ho when she already has Ezra. Plus, Jason is linked to a weapon that could’ve dented Alison’s skull. Emily describes him as “mysterious” (creepy) and “wounded” (deranged), and she also mentions how Aria “loves to fix things” (make a bad situation even worse).

In order to ease her guilty conscience for cheating on her boyfriend emotionally, Aria decides to put on a little strip show for Ezra. She’s like WOO SEXY PROFESSOR, HERE ARE MY TATAS~~~

Unfortunately, Ezra should be the one made to remove that goddamn awful outfit instead. He looks like a total dweeb. Why must the show insist on dressing him like he’s the president of the chess club? All he’s missing is a calculator in his pocket protector.

Aria: That’s plenty of time.

*lol* What a cocky bitch. She’s probably right though. Judging by Ezra’s just-jizzed-his-pants reaction, I bet they could squeeze in a quickie within 5 minutes and even cuddle afterwards.

And then Aria *really* goes for it as she starts riding his crotch like it’s a carnival game!

Of course, the camera cuts away before any of the steamier action happens. Are we supposed to assume that they had sex off-screen or something?

If you need a reason why the Aria and Ezra relationship is the worst boremance in the show, just read a transcript of their mind-numbingly pointless conversation afterwards:

Ezra: Aria, is something going on here?
Aria: I certainly hope so.
Ezra: I mean, aside from what’s going on here.
Aria: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ezra: I’m talking about you being so ummm…
Aria: I’m just happy! Yeah, I’m really happy. I don’t wanna keep that to myself.

And here’s a translation of what they are thinking during that conversation:

Ezra: Aria, are you using sex to hide a bigger & more serious problem in our relationship?
Aria: I certainly am.
Ezra: I mean, aside from the fact that I’m nearly a decade older than you…
Aria: You don’t know I’m picturing Jason naked right now.
Ezra: I’m talking about you acting like an oversexed nympho all of a sudden.
Aria: I’m just horny! Yeah, I’m really horny. I can’t keep it in my pants any longer.

In an effort to make Emily feel welcomed, Mama Marin is like FEEL FREE TO BE A LESBIAN ANYWHERE IN MY HOUSE. JUST NOT IN THE BEDROOM, OK?

With Ashley’s blessing, Emily brings her lesbo crew for a game of poker with girly drinks and strawberries. It turns out Emily is a pro at this game because she has a great poker face. Not surprising since her actress is only capable of two different expressions for any scenario.

Emily is a lesbian superstar and makes a great impression on all of Samara’s friends. It turns out everything is going so well for Emily, which only means…

…A has plenty of ways to fuck it up, mwhahahaha! A wants Emily to give her phone number to one of Samara’s friends, Zoey, who looks like a mini Christina Aguilera.

There are so many ways that Emily could’ve given away her phone number without coming across as a player. She could give her number to everyone as a way to stay in touch. Or she could ask Zoey for an in-depth platonic phone conversation on how to bleach hair until it turns platinum.

Out of all the possible excuses, Emily takes the worst approach of course. She even flirts with Zoey a little (“You forgot something, teeheehee”) before giving away her phone number.

Unfortunately, Samara’s BFF Quinn catches them in the act. And judging by her massive stankface, Samara is going to hear all about this little indiscretion!

Samara throws a self-righteous tantrum about how Emily is playing her and screwing all her friends or some dumb shit. Bitch, weren’t you the one who didn’t think their relationship was “exclusive” and that they could “see other people”? Anyway, I guess Samara “dumps” Emily even though they weren’t really a couple in the first place.

Whatever Samara, you’re such a fodder character anyway. When is Psycho Paige coming back to the show?

OMG Aria, keep it in your pants! Aria must be feeling super horny this episode, because she has another ~sex fantasy~ about the two men in her life.

I’m not sure where Dream Aria finds a store that sells sexy negligée for high schoolers, but good job on making your breasts look very noticeable!

By the way, tell me you’ve noticed that they’re intentionally concealing the bottom half of Ezra’s torso, ever since that debacle with the spray on fake abs. *lol*

Aria does this weird ass unnatural hair flip (hey why not, it’s a ~dream~) and the next thing she knows, a shirtless Jason is right by her side whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Oh Aria, why choose one when you can just indulge yourself in a fantasy threesome?

Mike Montgomery continues his downward spiral, but now he’s showing some serious signs of depression. He has shut himself off from his friends, his family, and the rest of the world, opting to cocoon in his own bedroom. You can almost hear the ‘tick tock, tick tock’ in the mental asylum clock.

His dad is worried about Mike’s erratic behaviour. It’s especially troubling for Byron, whose own brother (no, not you Rob Lowe) expressed these same symptoms before his presumed suicide.

I’m really intrigued by this Mike storyline, because I didn’t see it coming and I don’t know how it will unfold. Now I feel kinda bad for talking trash about a teenager with suicidal tendencies, because I thought he was acting out for attention. On some levels that might still be true, but the situation is a lot more complex than I initially assumed. Mike is not just a delinquent. There’s a very troubled teen underneath all the angst.

Jason drops by the Montgomery household to recommend a psychiatrist for Mike. I guess he has taken on an unofficial part-time job as a youth mentor, although stalking Aria is his official full-time job.

OMG Aria is such a shitty liar. She uses studying to blow off Jason, but couldn’t even get her lies straight in order.

Aria: I have a history exam! And a science exam! On the same day! Lots of studying to do! You know me, Aria Montgomery: honour roll student, total nerd, brainiac. Now excuse me while I go study for my home economics and physical education exam…or whichever two subjects I mentioned earlier.

As soon as she manages to shoo Jason out the door, Aria immediately throws away her schoolbooks, while Jason watches her do so from the window. *lol* Worst liar ever!

Oh Jason, stop staring at her like a legitimate stalker. No wonder Aria is making up shabby excuses to avoid you. Why don’t you just take a picture of her? It’ll last longer.

OH WAIT. YOU ALREADY DID, YA BIG CREEPER.

Caleb meets this private detective / casting director who wants him to star in another TV program, so they need a flimsy reason to write him out of the show, with a possibility of return in the future

Enter Caleb’s biological mom! She was the one who hired the private detective to contact Caleb. We have no idea why she abandoned her son all those years ago, or why she’s only contacting him now. The viewers are left to fill in these empty blanks, because the writers sure as hell don’t know themselves! Hey, writing off established love interests is hard enough as it is!

Caleb’s mom wants to reunite with her lost son, and he is scheduled to leave for California right away! Well, at least he didn’t get sent away to bible camp (Maya) or tennis camp (Alex) forever.

Caleb and Hanna have this big teary farewell as expected. He tries to squeeze out a tear, but fails miserably and unconvincingly.

And Hanna is like “Bitch, let me show you how crying prettily is done! *drenches face with water*”

Late at night, Jason confesses to Aria that he has a massive boner for her…

And then they kiss!!! For real this time!!!

Aria enjoys the moment for a while, perhaps lingering a little longer than someone in a committed relationship would have, but she eventually rejects Jason for that exact reason. Aria might be a two-timing slut in her dreams, but not in real life!

Jason isn’t the only stalker in the neighbourhood, because Jenna and her boy toy are spying on them as well. They’re concerned that Aria’s closeness with Jason will draw out the very mysterious truth about what happened “that night”.

Okay, enough is enough. I’m fed up with the hush-hush conversations between Jenna and Garrett in their vehicle. Can these two stop talking cryptically in the privacy of their own car and just spit out the truth already!?

Spencer is like BOUNDARIES? WHAT’S THAT? Girlfriend is just breaking into morgues and her neighbour’s houses like she owns the town. This week, Spencer deducts that Jason is a shady motherfucker who must be hiding some filthy secret in his shed. So, Spencer and Emily sneak out at night to investigate.

I’m not sure what they were expecting to find in the shed. Porno? Marijuana farm? A decomposing body? It takes them a while before they realize this is a darkroom for photography, and Jason has a rather…specific subject in mind.

IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING ARIA SHRINE. Eat your heart out, Ezra! There’s a new guy vying for Aria’s affections and he just surpassed you on the creepometer!

HE’S TAKING SNEAKY PICTURES OF ARIA WHILE SHE’S ASLEEP. OH LAWD.

Jason also has a stash of surveillance equipment for spying on other people, because how else will he get those precious shots of Aria changing clothes with the curtains drawn?

Spencer and Emily make a hasty escape to avoid detection, but Jason finds out about the intruders anyway. And he is NOT A HAPPY CAMPER.

Smile girls, you’re on camera!

Read more recaps!

11 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous August 12th, 2011 / Friday

    I knew as soon as I saw this episode that you'd go to town on the Aria becoming a massive slore parts. So great, I love these recaps!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Heh, you know my style so well. Aria was all kinds of amazing this episode:

      1.) acting like a shameless nympho and not even trying to hide it
      2.) once again ignoring her troubled brother due to self-absorption.
      3.) needlessly lying and then failing so miserably at it

      I was just endlessly *rofl* as I watch her scenes. She was just so…Aria this episode. <3

  2. Default avatar Ellie August 13th, 2011 / Saturday

    I loved this! While all your recaps are hilarious, this is definitely my favorite one so far!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I really liked this one too. I know some of my recaps are funnier than others, but this one hit all the right notes. It helps that Aria gave me so much material to work with. Glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Default avatar Anonymous December 18th, 2011 / Sunday

    well these recaps r funny but some of the recaps u do i hate them even if i love this show very much but they dont make sense some of them

    • Default avatar lolz June 25th, 2012 / Monday

      *the anonymous post above— they hate some of them because they don't know humor.

  4. Default avatar gaby cano August 5th, 2012 / Sunday

    I like your recaps. But WHY THE FUCKING HELL YOU HATE EZRA AND ARIA, MORE EZRIA SCENES?!?!??

    • Default avatar gaby cano August 19th, 2012 / Sunday

      Yeah! Why do yo hate them? What's bad with you? They're awesome together. Why do you don't noticed that? They're like the cuttest couple on the show, and you just ruined that. Stop hating them!

    • Default avatar Zooey May 31st, 2013 / Friday

      Aria and Ezra are extremely boring. All they do is fight, break up, make out, then fight, break up, make out, and fight…

  5. Default avatar Anonymous April 14th, 2015 / Tuesday

    Hilarious recap, as always

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar Custom avatar