Season 2, Episode 24, Pretty Little Liars Recap, If These Dolls Could Talk

Aria and Ezra end their sexless foreplay; Melissa and Spencer throw shade at each other; the pretty little liars visit a haunted doll hospital.

We begin the episode with a mandatory Alison cameo, since the season is coming to an end and we need to include the dead bitch in the mix somehow. However, the writers are obviously struggling at what to do with her character without revealing too much plot, so they just put her in a meaningless dream scene where she’s poppin’ pills and makin’ random Yahtzee references.

Alison tells Spencer that the pretty little liars are getting “warmer” with the murder investigation, which basically means they’re nowhere fucking close to solving the whole shebang, but she’s contractually required to say that or else the viewers might realize that nothing ever gets solved on this show.

The next morning, Spencer tells Emily about how she was tripping balls in her drug-induced hallucination, but talking to Alison just felt so *real*. Emily says she can relate to the experience since she had a similar scene with Ali in the previous halftime finale, so she understands what her friend is going through.

Um Emily, did you leave out the part where Alison slipped her tongue so deep into your throat that she was practically fishing for your tonsils? Spencer had a nightmare. You had a wet dream. It’s not really the same thing.

Maya isn’t a happy camper after finding out that her gf snitched on her. Her text message reads: “Thanks for telling my grief-stricken parents that their missing daughter is still alive! HDU!? Whose side are you on, Emily?”

Who else thinks that Maya’s texts are composed by the same ghost author who pretended to be Ian’s corpse while communicating with Melissa? It wouldn’t be the first time this show has recycled plot points.

Mama Marin has taken away Hanna’s cell phone privileges after her daughter declared a senseless war on all kitchen appliances. Ashley eventually finds out that Hanna scored another phone from Mona anyway, leading to this hilarious exchange.

Hanna: It’s not my phone. It’s Mona’s. She gave me her old one. She needs to be able to reach me at all times.
Ashley: Why!? You pulled one girl out of a burning building. It doesn’t make you Rosewood’s new fire chief!

*teehee*

Ashley goes like “I better not be paying for these phone bills.” Naturally, Mona doesn’t miss a chance to suck up to Hanna’s mom, and apologizes to her via empty flattery. She even compares Mama Marin to Martha Stewart, even though the only thing those two women have in common is that they’re both criminal masterminds.

Mona: You’re just a-muh-zing, Mrs. M! You make Martha Stewart look like a slacker. And I bet you could rock a prison jumpsuit way more stylishly than she did too.

Ugh. Another fucking Ezria scene. Every time I have to write about them, my fingers ache with pain and agony. I thought their relationship dynamics would change for the better after they told the parents, but it somehow made these two even more unbearable to watch. Now, we have to sit through Aria bitching non-stop about her parents in every scene, and the only time she ever shuts up about them is when she’s kissing Ezra. It’s like a lose-lose situation!

Ezra and Aria are so goddamn proud of themselves after turning down Papa Montgomery’s generous job offer last episode. However, he’s facing some ~*backlash*~ from his colleagues for that exact same reason. Ezra is worried about how much influence Byron yields over his career, but Aria doesn’t believe her dad has that much power.

Coming from the man who took a barely qualified high school teacher and almost made him an associate dean in just a year? You better believe it, sister! Whose underage daughter do I have to bang to get that kind of career advancement?

It’s the moment of truth! Was Jenna’s eye surgery successful or not? Can she finally see how much hair gel was poured over Toby’s head in this scene? She took off her bandage and… and… and… NOTHING! D: D: D:

My heart really felt for Jenna in this scene. It was devastating to watch the revelation sink in when she finds out that her vision hasn’t returned. I was like *bawling my eyes out* until it was later revealed that she’s not really blind anymore and she actually FAKED the whole operation failure. WTF!?

At the time, it never even crossed my mind that she might have faked her blindness, because who the fuck would do something as morbid as that? What could she possibly hope to gain by pretending the operation didn’t work out? But evidently, I underestimated how evil witches will always remain purely evil, with or without their eyesight.

It’s a good thing Jenna is still pretending to be blind, or else she’d see Aria’s massive *stankeye* when she sat next to her during lunch (or recess, or whatever their excuse is for not attending classes.) All the pretty little liars are kinda scared shitless of Jenna, but only Hanna has the balls to ask her “R U STILL A BLIND WITCH OR NOT???

Jenna: I woke up this morning, and I could see clearly, just not with my eyes. You could have left me in that smoking room, but you didn’t. Instead, you saved my life! *voice cracking* And it made me realize that people can grow. So now it’s my turn. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to apologize, and to let go of the anger that’s been holding me back. So, can we just please move on!?

The first time I watched this scene, I fell for her act and thought “omg Jenna is such a sensible & amazing human being~ ;_;” But upon another rewatch, my current stance is “omg what an evil heartstring-tugging fake deceitful bitch~ D:”

Luckily, Emily is a cynical and heartless bitch who doesn’t believe a single word out of Jenna’s mouth. She also thinks that Jenna is some kind of OMNISCIENT MASTERMIND who set Jason’s house on fire, and almost getting herself killed in the explosion was just part of her ~*master plan*~. Her conspiracy theory might seem a little far-fetched, but you just know this ridiculous show probably considered it as a plausible storyline at one point or another.

The pretty little liars’ latest goose chase leads them to a ‘doll hospital’ in Brookhaven. Eeek, look at all those mind control puppets feasting on us with their soul sucking demon eyes!!! I know the girls have ventured into graveyards and morgues before, but this doll hospital still ranks as the creepiest location featured in PLL. (Well, Ezra’s apartment is creepier, but that’s a different brand of grotesque.)

It doesn’t help matters there’s a creeper child named Seth, who seems a little…disturbed, to put it politely. I don’t wanna be the asshole that makes fun of a kid who probably has some kind of social anxiety disorder, but I’ll gladly let Aria take the words right out of my mouth.

Aria: Seriously, he’s nine-years-old, he’s never seen the sun, and he probably lives in a cupboard with like six hundred dolls. Okay? So, you don’t need to get all freaked out from a newsflash by Casper the Friendly Host.

Wow. That is seriously mean-spirited, Aria. It’s something a person might say and God would immediately put him or her on the ‘Straight to Hell’ list.

Seth remembers Alison visiting the store before, as well as a mysterious man & woman duo who may have wanted to *hurt* her. However, his batty old grandmama goes like “STFU creeper” because she accepted wads of cash from A to keep quiet about the matter.

This scenario is similar to the time when the bracelet shopkeeper got bribed last season. It’s good to see that A is funding the small local businesses in the community, even if it comes in the form of bribery money.

Seth: Sorry about what happened to her. Must have been awful breathing dirt in her lungs. I don’t even like having sand in my mouth.

Kids say the darnedest thing, eh? Should I even ask why he had sand in his mouth?

Since Seth confirms that Jenna is nothing more than a red herring in their investigation, the pretty little liars are left without a suspect once again. Hanna is like “LOL Spencer’s sister is totes guilty”; however, Emily & Aria act really offended even though they were all making ‘Melissa is A’ jokes just two episodes ago. I guess they were trying to respect their friend’s feelings, but even Spencer is like “Newsflash everyone: my family is REALLY fucked up!”

Spencer proceeds to tell her friends that Jason is her bastard half-brother, Papa Hastings is also a bastard AND an adulterer, while Melissa is just a shady ass bitch in general, so who knows what that whackjob is capable of!? The other pretty little liars are all like O_O at Spencer dropping one bombshell after another. In the end, they tell her: “OK, you have the most dysfunctional family for sure! You win, Spencer!”

Aria throws a hissy fit of epic proportions after finding out that her parents want to ship her off to an all-girls boarding school (aka. Iceland, Part 2). It’s actually not that bad of an idea, but Aria freaks the fuck out like she’s being deported to a nunnery and forced to wear a chastity belt for the rest of her life!

By the way, Aria’s black frilly laced bra says hi. If her revealing outfit is any indication, I think she might actually benefit from some time spent in a nunnery.

Mama Montgomery claims that she’s just trying to protect Aria with the boarding school idea, because this will keep her away from that child molester Ezra and that cyber bully A, so it’s like killing two birds with one stone. But Aria was not having any of that ~*bullshit*~ from her mother. Just look at all that ARIA RAGE on her face!!!

Aria: Dad is trying to punish me! And that’s really unfair because I forgave him for what he did! If I wanted to hurt him, I could have done something about it. I still could. What do you think would happen if the dean found out that Dad was having an affair with one of his grad students? Where do you think they’d send him?

HOLY. FUCKING. HELL. That was just pure evil. Aria basically turned into a supervillian right in front of our eyes. We all know she’s a self-absorbed twat who has no consideration for other people’s feelings, but never to this extent. Who…who is this soulless creature wearing Aria’s skin!? Hold me, I’m scared! O_O

Fortunately, it didn’t take long before Spencer reclaims her title as the pretty little liar with the most dysfunctional family ever, because there’s video footage that Spencer would like to show Melissa on her way to the police station…

Spencer: Hey Melissa, here’s a video that puts you in a very compromising position on the night of Alison’s murder! Gotchya! And guess what, I’m planning to submit this evidence to the police right now! Your thoughts? ^_^

I’m not really sure how Spencer thought this conversation might turn out, but needless to say that it didn’t end well.

Melissa: I’d be careful, Spence. You turn that in, there are other videos that might surface. I’ve seen some stuff that make you and your friends look pretty bad.
Spencer: Like what!?
Melissa: I never ask questions about what I saw, but I’m guessing that the police will.

LMAO. That is seriously epic. I love watching these two sisters throw massive shade at each other. There’s so much betrayal and treachery here that even those hot sluts in Game of Thrones are like “Wow, take a chill pill, you backstabbing bitches!”

Aria’s parents scrapped the boarding school idea because the monster they’ve raised should be kept inside a cage at home instead of letting her roam halfway across the country. Knowing this ridiculous show, they’d probably make Ezra drive to Vermont and get a teaching job at Aria’s new boarding school, so it’s best that they avoided this obvious storyline for Season 3.

Ella: Your threat had nothing to do with our decision. Why would we send you to another state when you’re already a million miles away? I don’t even recognize the kid who would turn on her own family. You know, when I found out about you two, I was angry and I was confused. But I have never been ashamed of you until yesterday. If you could’ve heard the silence on the other end of the phone when I told your father what you said… I don’t even know how to get back to what we once were.

You know what? Sometimes, the most effective smackdowns don’t require any snide threats or over-the-top theatrics. Aria Montgomery, you just got SERVED by your own momma!

Mona recently got a text message from A, telling her to break up Hanna and her hottie, or go back to being a junior high nottie. (LOL A. You’re so poetic.) The result is rather…um, interesting.

TWIST!!! Mona and Caleb start making out with each other, but not in the way you think they are. In Hanna’s twisted mind, she instructs her boyfriend to make out with her best friend! *lolwtf* But they have to do it in front of Melissa too, which will determine if that bitch is A or not.

Caleb looks like he’d rather be kissing a wad of gum stuck on the bottom of his shoe, but Mona is all *srsbzn* and goes like “SLIP ME THE TONGUE IF YOU WANT US TO BE BELIEVABLE~~~ I also don’t mind if you fondle my other body parts. You know, for Hanna’s sake.”

Melissa sees those sluts making out in the car, and she’s probably thinking to herself: “Goddamn, Mona is going through boyfriends faster than I go through fiancés. Bitch better not break my record at being the biggest ho in Rosewood. I know! I should hook up with someone completely random at the end of this episode, just for insurance!”

By the way, here’s a random screenshot of Emily to remind everyone that she still exists, since her character was largely marginalized in this episode. It’s sad that the show can’t come up with any storylines for poor Em now that her love interests and her family are out of the picture. No wonder they’re stretching out Maya’s disappearance until the end of the season.

When A sends a snarky text message to Hanna, this confirms her suspicions that Melissa is guilty as fuck. I don’t even know if they’re accusing her of being A, or if they’re accusing her of killing Alison, but this text message is somehow IRREFUTABLE PROOF that Melissa is *guilty* of committing every crime in the show.

I’d love to see Hanna’s conversation with the police, which might go somewhere along these lines:

Police: So… you deliberately forced your boyfriend to make out with your best friend, and Melissa Hastings happened to see them as she was passing by, and now you want us to arrest her because that is somehow evidence!?
Hanna: Yes, that is correct. You’re welcome, officer! :-)

ZOMG. It’s the elusive page five of Alison’s autopsy report that we’re supposed to give a shit about! This clunky plot device resurfaces once again in Jenna’s possession. Last time we saw this scrap piece of paper, Jenna and Garrett were celebrating that he stole it from the police office. Now, she wants to use it to frame Garrett for Alison’s murder…or something like dat. WTF!? I’m not even gonna attempt to figure out Jenna’s ulterior motive. It’s impossible to comprehend evil.

Jenna puts on a hilarious performance as she feigns complete and utter shock at the existence of this autopsy report. She’s pretty much like “Heeheehee, I’m just a naive blind girl who had no idea that I was concealing incriminating evidence against my ex-boyfriend until now! Oh dear me, I wonder whatever shall happen to Garrett if I report this to the police!

COMEUPPANCE~~~ Apparently, Papa Montgomery got Ezra fired from his job at Hollis. So much for that self-empowering speech he gave Byron last episode. *lolpwnt*

TBH, I expected more drama with Ezra’s job termination than a mere letter. Wouldn’t it be so much better if he had to be escorted off the campus with a security guard behind him? Meanwhile, all his students would watch their disgraced professor with shame and embarrassment. And then, Jackie stands near the exit with the perfect bitchface, going all “I told you so~” in a singsong voice. That would have been HEAVEN for me.

After getting laid off, Ezra’s plan is to hide in shame at his parents’ house for the time being. I wonder how he’ll explain the situation to his mama and papa…

Ezra: So, I just got fired for banging a high school student. Hope you’re still proud of me, ma.
Mrs. Fitz:……oh.

Thank the lords that someone took action against Ezra Fitz at last. That man shouldn’t be anywhere near a teaching position for the rest of his life.

Ezra: Aria, I can’t teach high school in this town. Or college. What’s left?

Well Ezra, in the great words of Tracy Jordan, you can always take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant. That seems like the natural progression of your trajectory anyway.

Ezra: It’s what I do. And I need to find a place where I can do it.
Aria: Look, whoever it is… they’re very lucky to have you.
Ezra: Do you have any idea how much I love you?

WTF!? Am I reading this conversation right? Did Aria just give Ezra her blessing to bang high school chicks in other towns??? O_O

Who wants to watch an adult man have sexual intercourse with a minor!? Ezria fans to the left, and people who feel the need to cleanse their minds with soap to the right. On our side, we also provide free puke bags, around-the-clock psychiatric help for emotional therapy, and sharp metal forks to gouge out your eyes if the imagery scarred your vision forever.

So yeah, Aria and Ezra finally had sex with each other. Popped the cherries. Did the big nasty. Performed the horizontal hoedown. These two consummated their relationship in the episode, and it was every bit of awful you’d dread it to be. Imagine terrible music in the background, as the camera pans to uncomfortable close-up shots of various disjointed body parts, while Ezra puts his grabby greasy hands all over Aria’s boobies.

PUKE. VOMIT. NAUSEA. I’m so disgusted that I can’t even write in coherent sentences. I beg you… please don’t make me continue to describe the Ezria sex scene anymore!!!

Well, at least they got it over with after nearly fifty episodes of sterile foreplay. As the Ezria fans rejoice and masturbate vigorously, the rest of the world grew a little darker that day. And humanity was never the same again.

Moving onto a slightly less creepy scene, the other girls venture into the haunted doll hospital in the middle of the night, where they find Alison’s bloody doll, buried in dirt, and carrying a shovel in its hand. *lol* Sorry, but I kinda snorted in laughter because it was just so fucking morbid. This show can be so dark and twisted, yet still maintain its tactless campiness at the same time.

All of a sudden, dolls start flying everywhere and shelves came falling down and it was like a FUCKING DOLL APOCALYPSE as the girls’ lives come under attack! To be honest, the scene was really dark, and I couldn’t tell heads from tails in most of the camera shots, but it was still scary just because those freaky dolls were involved. Imagine if one of those things lunged at your face without warning!

OMFG. We find out at the end of the episode that Garrett and Melissa have hooked up!!! I mean, we all saw this coming a mile away, but it’s still kinda hilarious to watch Melissa go after all three N.A.T. Club men like the champion hobag that she is. You go get some, gurl~~~

And Garrett can go get some too. It takes a certain type of man to mack on a pregnant widow who used to be the fiancée of your dead best friend. He definitely has an acquired taste, I’ll give him that.

Too bad this random fling lasted even shorter than Melissa’s last two engagements. All of a sudden, the police come knocking at her doorstep in the middle of the night. They’re gonna arrest Garrett for the murder of Alison DiLaurentis, because he allegedly tampered with evidence in her case! *lolwtf* I always thought Garrett would get sacked for incompetence or corruption, but this result was just as satisfying!

Goddamn, it’s like this bitch has a voodoo curse on her lips or something. Any man who hooks up with Melissa is bound to get hit with some terrible tragedy in their lives. Jason? BAM YOU ARE A BASTARD SON! Ian? BAM YOU GET PUSHED OFF A TOWER! Garrett? BAM ENJOY ROTTING IN PRISON! Wren? BAM GET WRITTEN OFF THE SHOW TO STAR IN ANOTHER PROGRAM THAT WAS CANCELLED AFTER 2 EPISODES.

We conclude the episode with a major game changing revelation – Jenna was faking it all along. The other characters don’t know it yet, not even her precious Toby, but she’s no longer blind after the success of her eye operation! She was deceiving everybody all along!

I thought this was a brilliant moment. I loved the way they slowly built up to this big reveal in the scene, from Jenna taking off the sunglasses, then swatting the fly, and finally smiling at her own reflection in the mirror. The music, the setting, the acting – everything was perfect for once. It was a fantastic way to conclude a really strong episode of Pretty Little Liars. I LUV IT.

Just look at that triumphant smirk on her face and that mischievous sparkle in her eyes. It’s like she knows she rules this universe from top to bottom, so all you basics stand aside!

OH JENNA, YOU ARE MY KWEEN FOREVER~~~

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10 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous March 25th, 2012 / Sunday

    cant wait till you review the finale!!!!!!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 5th, 2012 / Thursday

      Wait no more!!! It's finally posted. :)

  2. Default avatar Anonymous March 25th, 2012 / Sunday

    Love it !! Good job as usual :-)

  3. Default avatar Anonymous March 26th, 2012 / Monday

    Jenna has been my Number 1 since day 1. She's just great and this will be confirmed in the finale. I hope she'll continue to fake her blindness, she looks great with her massive dark glasses, although I think that she walks pretty easily as a blind girl.

    The last scene was orgasmic!

    Y.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 5th, 2012 / Thursday

      The last scene was just fantastic. And I always loved Jenna too. She's so badass and takes shit from no one. I also think Tammin Sursok, who portrays her character, is one of the better actresses on the show, which really makes a difference. She totally nailed that last scene!

  4. Default avatar Anonymous March 27th, 2012 / Tuesday

    is it me or do her eyes make her look like a chameleon staring in 2 diff directions. is it the graphics or the angle?-nic

    • Default avatar Recap Everything April 5th, 2012 / Thursday

      I think I see what you're talking about. It might just be the angle though? Or maybe they made her wear contacts so that she'll resemble a patient recovering from an eye surgery?

  5. Default avatar Anonymous April 8th, 2012 / Sunday

    Totally agree with you on that last scene. Brilliant! It couldn't have been filmed any better.

  6. Default avatar Shyann December 27th, 2013 / Friday

    Aria and Ezra are so cute but when they broke up it made my feel sad.
    Hanna and Caleb are so cute together.

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