Season 2 Episode 20, Pretty Little Liars Recap, CTRL: A

Caleb’s computer gets cracked; Maya smokes more crack; Holden’s secret is crack and I don’t mean that in a good way.

WHERE IS PSYCHO PAIGE!?

I was hoping we’d get a glimpse of the crazy bitch after Emily won some kind of random school swim meet, but unfortunately she was nowhere to be seen. We know Emily has a tendency to change love interests after every six episodes (she even likes to recycle them), so it’s only a matter of time before Paige and her fabulous new wig makes an appearance this season.

Maya shows up for five seconds to display her totally awesome banner, and Emily goes “aw thx bb” before proceeding to ignore her for the rest of the scene. Seriously, Maya just *disappeared* and not a single character even noticed her absence. O_o

Meanwhile, Caleb and Hanna are bonding over nerdy technobabble. Now that Caleb has officially taken over as the show’s resident computer geek, can Lucas’ character be any more obsolete? Flirting with Hanna over nerdy computer stuff was supposed to be his unique quirk! D:

Hanna: I thought you couldn’t get online in this cave.
Caleb: I’ve got a hot spot in my pocket.
Hanna: Yeah I know, but what does that have to do with computers?

Caleb: I am the Wi-Fi, coo coo ca choo!

And then both actors immediately burst into giggles, unable to maintain straight faces after uttering that cheesy line of dialogue.

BTW this is what’s displayed on Caleb’s laptop for a split second. As you can see, there’s no foreshadowing of an online gambling storyline, so eat your heart out Lucas!

The website is some sort of social media profile for Hanna, except the designated PLL web designer was too lazy, opting to copy & paste half the comments on her page instead. *lol* @ the weight loss picture on the right sidebar tho. Hefty just can’t catch a break.

The hacker got hacked! A somehow inserted confidential school documents into Caleb’s laptop, while the police somehow traced the stolen data back to his IP address. For the time being, they’ve confiscated his computer in hopes of finding something scandalous.

Pfft. They won’t find anything. Let Recap Everything tell you the three most scandalous things you’ll find in a teenage guy’s laptop.

1.) Porn, obviously. Don’t even kid yourself, sister.

2.) Video games that were downloaded illegally online.

3.) The embarrassing amount of time they spend on their sports fantasy leagues that nobody else cares about.

Speaking of things that nobody cares about, Holden’s secret is finally revealed as… *sigh* …Fight Club.

Ugh. Fuck you, Holden. Participating in martial arts is an extracurricular activity, not some dastardly secret that you can lord over the viewers’ heads for five consecutive episodes. There’s a reason why the first rule of Fight Club is that no one talks about Fight Club. Because no one fucking cares!

Holden lifts up his shirt, revealing a noticeable half-eaten pepperoni birthmark that wasn’t seen in his locker room nudie pic. Oh wait, that was Kate’s storyline last episode.

Afterwards, Aria has an incredibly annoying conversation with Ezra about French vegan restaurants, which goes along the lines of “J’ADORE asparagus as much as I love you, Aria! Almost as much as I love hiding our illicit student-teacher relationship from your parents, who’ll throw me in jail if they found out you were still gobbling on my celery stick!”

Even A, who normally couldn’t be bothered to meddle with Aria and Ezra’s tiresome relationship, felt like OMFG THESE EZRIA SCENES MAKE ME WANNA VOM-VOM VIOLENTLY. ENDING THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE MY ONE GOOD DEED FOR HUMANITY.

Hence, A sends a friendly warning to Papa Montgomery, directing him to the same restaurant where Ezra will be flicking Aria’s beans. Tonight at 8:30. Do you know where your daughter will be? I do. Sincerely, A

Maya is here to inform Emily that her guest stint on Season 2 of Pretty Little Liars is coming to an end, so they’ll write off her character by giving her a HARDCORE DRUG ADDICTION. Maya’s parents are freaking out after they caught their daughter with a joint, so they’re sending her to rehab camp yet again.

To be fair, the show sent us plenty of red flags with the bisexuality twist, and the ex-stalker problem, and now the constant weed smoking. Emily and Maya are just too different from each other. They don’t seem like a good fit at all.

Emily is obviously devastated at the news, going all: “Gurl, you need to stop holding cocks and crack pipes, or we can’t be together no more!”

Maya is also seen randomly conversing with Jason DiLaurentis, so at least we know where she’s scoring the drugs.

Spencer finds her half-brother outside his office, which is a complete relevation to me. I didn’t know Jason had a full-time job outside of counselling high school students and photographing Aria in her sleep! I also assumed the DiLaurentis family was just naturally filthy rich, but apparently they run some kind of real estate company around town?

Jason and Spencer gossip about Papa Hastings’ secret love affair with Mama DiLaurentis, which consisted of LOVE LETTERS that later transformed into LEGAL LETTERS. *alol* What a true reflection of romance in modern times.

Jason also discovered Alison had a secret stash of cash hidden away, totalling $15,000. Spencer is like: “If anyone is capable of blackmailing my father for money, it’s Ali!”

(This one doesn’t have a very high opinion of her friend or her dad, does she?)

*lol* Aria is carrying a Lolita novel with her. That’s a little too on the nose, don’t you think? Might as well put her in pigtails, give her a lollipop, and tape the word ‘jailbait’ on her forehead while you’re at it.

Aria meets up with the mystery caller from the last episode. It turns out “Vivian” hired this sleazy bastard Jonah to find out who was sending her those blocked text messages. However, she doesn’t pay up after learning the identity (lol what a cheap bitch – you had $15,000 Ali!)

Jonah offers to tell the pretty little liars about what he knows…at the asking price of TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. So for those of you bad in math, you can buy one quarter of Melissa’s engagement ring, or the backseat of Toby’s truck, or the equivalent of Spencer’s soul, with that money.

Oh great. It’s just what the doctor ordered – another male character acting like a fucking inappropriate creeper, because there just aren’t enough of those on the show already. Pretty Little Liars never fails to produce the skeeviest men on a regular basis.

Since she doesn’t have any more engagement rings to pawn off, runaway teen Spencer returned home to steal a big fat juicy cheque from her father instead. It’s not considered stealing if you’re just borrowing a really advanced payment on your allowance!

Spencer doesn’t steal the money though, because her daddy dearest has arrived home. Good god, I know the electricity bills are a bitch, would it kill the Hastings to turn on some lights in their own home?

Spencer accuses her dad of being an adulterer douchebag, and Papa Hastings is like “ya sorry :\”. And then Spencer accuses her dad of being blackmailed by Ali, and Papa Hastings is like “no sorry :\”. Despite her suspicions, her father insists that he did not pay off a teenager to keep his affair on the downlow. If so, where did Ali get the money? Hmm…

BTW we’ve officially reached a staggering 3 out of 4 record in terms of PLL husbands who cheated on their spouses. And we can add two more on the list if you include Melissa’s horny fiancés. Papa Hastings is the only one verile enough to get his mistress knocked up though.

Now, Emily’s father is the only faithful husband remaining in the show. And let’s face it, he would’ve definitely cheated on his horrid wife if he had more screentime too. What I’m trying to say is… ALL MEN ARE SCUMBAGS. DON’T MARRY THEM.

The funniest exchange this episode comes from Spencer and Jason’s conversation about the money that Alison stashed away. Spencer asks where the $15000 is now, but Jason refuses to answer her and keeps changing the subject. Duh, what would you do if you found that amount of cash lying around?

Spencer: Where is Ali’s money now?
Jason: MORE IMPORTANTLY, LET’S TALK ABOUT WHAT A DOUCHEBAG OUR FATHER IS!
Spencer: No Jason, I just wanna find out where you put Ali’s money after you found it…
Jason: FINDERS KEEPERS BITCH!

BTW can Jason find a tighter shirt to show off his pecs? This is not a rhetorical question; it’s a polite request.

Speaking of shirts, Spencer and Emily seriously need an intervention. Why do they wear clothes with these large gaping holes at the back!? This isn’t their first time either – they’re both repeating offenders. Girls, it’s not stylish if most people consider you too poor to afford cloth on the back of your shirts!

And speaking of odd fashion choices, what’s up with that necklace with the capital letter A emblazoned on it? Either Aria is a cheeky bitch, or she just gave away the biggest game changing secret on this show.

(SPOILER ALERT: ZOMG ARIA IS A. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!)

It’s like the writers suddenly realized that Holden has an embarrassingly bad secret that doesn’t live up to the hype, so they throw in a rare heart condition to complicate things at the last second. Unless Holden drops dead in the middle of his martial arts tournament, I still don’t give a fuck about him or his health problems. Can he go away now?

BTW does Holden’s opponent know that he has a life-threatening heart condition? Because I kinda love how this guy just keeps aiming all his shots at Holden’s chest. Good hit, bruh!

Aria ditches her date with Ezra so that she can watch Holden get his ass kicked in some martial arts tournament. Now we know where Aria’s priorities lie. Her Fitzy-poo only comes second to Holden!

OMG ARIA’S TEXT MESSAGE COMES FROM AN UNKNOWN CALLER. SHE MUST BE A FO SHO!!!

Ezra receives his gf’s text message as he was just arriving at the restaurant. It is soooo typical of Aria’s character to cancel a prior engagement at the last possible second. What a selfish twat. *lol*

Unfortunately, Aria just happens to miss out on the one date where her father is waiting to catch a predator. Goddamnit, the bitch gets away with it AGAIN. Aria gets away with EVERYTHING. ;_;

And *lol* @ Byron not touching a single item of food in the French vegan restaurant.

Ezra sees Aria’s father at the restaurant, pulls out his best *ARIA FACE O_O* reaction, and then makes a run for it like a cowardly little bitch!

Dayummm Maya! Put down the crack pipe for one second, sistah! I wonder what part of her believed it was a good idea to smoke a joint at the house of her girlfriend’s guardian, but I guess you don’t really think anything when you’re ~*high, high, high*~!

Emily is outraged that her girlfriend turned out to be such a crack whore, but Maya’s excuse is that she needs drugs to cope with all the teenage angst.

Maya: YOU’RE BETTER AT FITTING IN THAN I AM!

Duh. Of course you don’t fit in. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a 32-year-old actress trying to pass for a character half your age.

Maya: I WON’T GO BACK TO REHAB!!! Emily, let’s run away together! You go abandon your parents, ditch your friends, throw away your scholarship, don’t graduate from high school… just so we can smoke crack on the sidewalk in San Francisco! I’ve got friends there, don’t you know?
Emily: um how bout no?
Maya: k bye bitch~

And that’s the end of Maya, good riddance. Or at least until Emily grows tired of her next three girlfriends and decides to recycle her love interests once again.

This is Officer Garrett hard at work as always. He might be the only police officer whose biggest job hazard is that an eyelash might fall off due to too much idle activity.

Oh goody, Detective Wilden is here as well. Between him and Garrett, is there any doubt that the Rosewood law enforcement team is pretty much fucked? Who hired the gruesome twosome anyway? Even those sluts on Rookie Blue can do a better job than them.

Wilden digs up a long forgotten storyline earlier in the season, since a page from Alison’s autopsy report has gone missing or whatever. Of course, it took eight episodes before anyone even discovered that page was gone, so its absence is hardly considered a game changer, no matter how much the show tries to convince us that ZOMG PAGE 5 IS VERY VITAL INFORMATION!!!

The police is trying to break into Caleb’s computer to locate the illegal school documents that A planted. They’re having a hard time deciphering Caleb’s laptop password though, which consists of the date when he and Hanna first had sexytimes together. *omglol* How embarrassing is it that he actually remembers the anniversary!? Lemme guess, did Caleb gush about his feelings over how special that ~*moment*~ was in his little pink diary too?

What’s even more embarrassing is that Hanna didn’t have a clue what those numbers meant, which makes Caleb more of a chick than his girlfriend is. And this coming from the same girl who decorates her laptop with fucking pink flowers, for crying out loud! *lol*

We get a fun scene of COMPUTER WARFARE between Hanna and Spencer versus Garrett and Wilden, as both parties try to break into Caleb’s computer to locate the illegal files. The problem is they don’t know which folder A hid the documents…

Hanna: It’s gotta be Hefty. Ugh, that bitch.

*lmao* I know that A should have probably named the folder something inconspicuous like ‘essays’ or ‘untitled folder’ to increase the likelihood of success, but it was totally worth getting that dig in tbh. Hefty Hanna jokes will never get old.

Even though they’ve located the files before the police did, there’s still a lot of drama because Hanna and Spencer are basically INCOMPETENT when it comes to computers. I’m surprised Hanna even knows how to type on a keyboard to be honest. Anyway, Spencer keeps chirping about the shortcut ‘CONTROL A’ to delete all the files at once, which is also a pretty clever pun when you think about it.

(BTW it’s a good thing they didn’t try to press ‘CONTROL-Z’ afterwards, eh?)

Fortunately for the girls, it turns out Garrett and Wilden are even more hopelessly idiotic when it comes to using computers. Both cops are gobsmacked when the files were getting deleted right in front of them. *headdesk* Ever heard of the recycling bin? The undo button? Back-up?

Who woulda thunk that Hanna, of all people, would be the one to save her boyfriend from a widescale cybercrime!? Pigs can fly, the sky is green…

We end the episode with Spencer asking her brother for TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS to buy a vowel, a lifeline, or a clue to the mystery of Alison’s murder.

And Jason is like *nonchalant* “Okay sis, just go take a couple of bills from my wallet. You can keep the change.”

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14 Responses

  1. Default avatar Leo February 17th, 2012 / Friday

    Hooray! The recap is on!
    Okay. To be honest, I was hoping you'll be dragging the ridiculousness of the “Ctrl+A” situation.
    Spencer: Control, A!
    Hanna: What the hell do you think I'm trying to do?
    Spencer: -__- No, hit Control, A on the keyboard!
    Hanna: Oh.
    And the whole convo between Hanna and Caleb about his 'hotspot'. LMAO. I never actually realize how cheesy it is. xD

    Holden's secret is fight club? Oh sweetieee, so disappointed, still hoping for him to be Mike's bb though. :(

    And Ezra impersonating Aria's O_O face. Priceless! And Maya needs to go to another show as another high-schooler (Teen Wolf lulz oh God I miss that show ;/).

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 17th, 2012 / Friday

      Don't forget Hanna screeching “THIS IS MEEEE TRYING TO FINK SPENCER >_< " - yeah that scene was just hilar all around. I was prepared to be disappointed by Holden's secret,. They should have just gone the obvious route and made him gay gay gay for Mike Montgomery. I can't wait for Teen Wolf to come back this summer. It's gonna be glorious~~~

  2. Default avatar Anonymous February 17th, 2012 / Friday

    Fav part: Spencer accuses her dad of being an adulterer douchebag, and Papa Hastings is like “ya sorry :\”. And then Spencer accuses her dad of being blackmailed by Ali, and Papa Hastings is like “no sorry :\” You are hilarious!

    I wait to watch PLL online until your recap is up so I can read it right afterward:) Btw, do you have a Twitter for Recap Everything?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2012 / Monday

      I do have a Twitter @ http://twitter.com/#!/recapeverything/ but no one follows it for some reason. I mostly use it to post updates every time I publish a recap.

      I'm actually not a huge twatter though, and hardly interact with the Twitterverse so to speak. I prefer to focus on this blog instead. :)

  3. Default avatar Theo February 18th, 2012 / Saturday

    BTW can Jason find a tighter shirt to show off his pecs? This is not a rhetorical question; it's a polite request.

    I double this request.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2012 / Monday

      2012 Jason DiLaurentis actually got better looking than his 2011 counterpart. I don't know how that's possible, but it's true.

  4. Default avatar Anonymous February 20th, 2012 / Monday

    Actually, when I saw Aria's necklace I was thinking more Scarlet Letter with the whole red A for adulterer, I guess that kinda sorta has to do with Aria… maybe?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 20th, 2012 / Monday

      Ohhh, that's a really interesting take! :O

      Leave it up to Aria to brand herself as a total slut though. Girl, you don't need to wear a necklace to let the whole world know that about yourself. *lol*

  5. Default avatar Anonymous February 27th, 2012 / Monday

    The girls have such weird nails… It must take ages to change the colors so regularly.

    Y.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything March 7th, 2012 / Wednesday

      I know! Every nail is like a work of art on its own. That must be where the make-up team spends most of their time when they're not pouring foundation on the pretty little liars' faces.

  6. Default avatar Anonymous March 20th, 2012 / Tuesday

    Jason is so sweet .I hate Ezra

  7. Default avatar Anonymous April 6th, 2012 / Friday

    I just want to say, shirts like that are fashionable. They are called cutout shirts. Not trying to sound condescending, but d'uh. They're fashionable young women and that is what is popular among lots of people not.

  8. Default avatar Julia August 12th, 2014 / Tuesday

    This is one of my favourite recaps from you. :D

    What I’ll never understand is how everyone except Emily’s father cheated on their wives. I mean, Mama Marin is HOT. Mama Montgomery seems a lot nicer and more interesting than that Meredith b*tch. And Mama Hastings probably has more in common with her husband than he ever had with Mrs. D. So why?
    The only guy who I would understand cheating on his wife is Papa Fields, because wow, not cool, Pam. (Although, for the sake of the general public who doesn’t get that we’re only snarking here and not actually as bitchy in real life, I would like to point out that cheating is never justified, no one “makes” you cheat and it is generally the better option to talk things over with your partner and see if you can either fix them or need to go separate ways.) Maybe he just doesn’t get many chances at women where he is? Or maybe he’s actually gay, like his daughter! That would make sense and explain why Pam is so homophobic – she could lose her husband if he ever came out. OMG plot twist!

  9. Custom avatar alison dilaurentis March 30th, 2017 / Thursday

    it’s a immortality my darlings

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