Season 2, Episode 19, Pretty Little Liars Recap, The Naked Truth

Spencer discovers Jason is her half-brother; Kate leaks her own nudie pix; Emily blackmails a school principal.

This episode, the pretty little liars discover a mysterious phone number… which was found inside Alison’s jacket… which was linked to a claims ticket… which was hidden within one of her books. *omgwtf* Most convoluted clue ever? What’s wrong with hiding your dirty little secrets underneath a mattress like most normal people do?

Emily: That’s what you got from Ali’s claim ticket?
Spencer: That’s what they gave me.
Emily: So basically you picked up her dry cleaning.

*lol* So basically they’ve resorted to looking for clues in Alison’s laundry.

Aria: I just can’t picture Alison ever wearing this.
Spencer: Well, picture Vivian Darkbloom!
Emily: So now we’re saying this Vivian Darkperson had her own wardrobe too?

*lol* Darkperson!? Wow, Emily, racist much?

Aria: Can I touch it?
Spencer: Uh yeah. It’s a raincoat, Aria. Not a mummy.

*lol* Nine times out of ten, the dumbest questions always come from Aria.

Emily: Okay stop! Now I feel like we’re in a bad place!
Spencer: We’re in my living room, Emily! We’re hiding a coat!

*lol* I love when Spencer acts her snarky and contrary self.

Spencer: Well, it’s probably easier than hiring the fat lady with the tube top at the farmers’ market who’s going to tell your fortune. But if you’re too scared…
Emily: I AM NOT SCURRED!!!

*lol* This entire scene was kinda amazing from start to finish. I know I rag on Pretty Little Liars a lot in my recaps, but I really enjoy how the show can deliver these funny one-liners at a rapid-fire velocity. Plus, I love watching Emily and Spencer get all aggro at each other. It reminds me of their good old days of prison jumpsuits and garbage bag fights.

Meanwhile, in a very awkward meeting at the principal’s office, Hanna faces possible expulsion from the school for *allegedly* leaking Kate’s nudie pix to the entire student body. Mrs. Marin (aka. Ashley) unleashes her inner mama bear and declares her daughter is innocent, but the other Mrs. Marin (aka. Isabel) rips Hanna a new asshole by describing her as “malicious” and “resentful”. I guess someone still holds a grudge after her stepdaughter ruined her wedding day, huh?

Mrs. Marin: There is no guidance! Her mother is never home!
Mrs. Marin: Her mother is a divorced woman who works full-time because her husband left her for you!

Duke it out, ladies! *popcorn*

Principal Tamborelli: You bitches need to SIMMER DOWN. This is not the Montel Williams show. We are here to discuss your lack of parental skills – not your poor judgment in choosing a husband.

The principal orders Kate and Hanna to attend some youth rehabilitation program called “Truth Up!”, which is held at the school overnight. In reality, it’s really just a thinly veiled excuse for all the show’s characters to spend the night together in a confined space.

If you ever wondered why Hanna’s father decided to move back to Rosewood, ponder me this – is there anything hotter than watching your ex-wife and your new wife have a bitchfight of epic proportions? BTW Tom Marin definitely has a type, no? He loves them bitchy, saucy, glamorous hags who probably take out all their ~*aggressive rage*~ in bed.

Holden: Can you help me put up this poster, Aria?
Aria: *ARIA FACE* O_O
Holden: Um, it only works if you pull on the end.

Bet you ten bucks that’s what Mike Montgomery said to Holden last night. (I DON’T CARE THAT THEY HAVEN’T SHARED A SINGLE SCENE TOGETHER. THE MIKE & HOLDEN SHIP IS SAILING FORWARD IN FULL SPEED. HOP ON OR JUMP OFF, YOUR CHOICE!)

Aria is still pestering Holden about that bruise near his happy trail, and he still won’t give her a straight answer about whatever dumbass secret that his character is hiding. BUT WHOOPSY DAISY, HOLDEN’S DRUG STASH SUDDENLY SLIPS OUT OF HIS BAG!!!!!

ZOMG. I KNEW IT. I’ve always suspected Holden is secretly a teenage mafia overlord who runs an underground crime ring and traffics hard drugs from Portugal! It was so *obvious* all along!

Anyone get the sense that Holden is trying to out his own secret on purpose? First he just ~*casually*~ lifts up his shirt in front of Aria, and now he just ~*conveniently*~ lets those painkillers fall out of his bag. Come on dude, stop teasing the viewers and just show us your cock already. I mean, your secret. (My typo was accidental as Holden’s deliberate ploys for attention.)

The world just got a little more sinister, because Noel and Jenna are officially an item as they flaunt their affections around school. I love how this bitch wears tacky fishnet and has the personality of a dead fish, yet she still manages to score the hottest piece of ass in Rosewood High. Jenna Cavanaugh is truly an inspiration to bitches everywhere!

Guess who’s back with a new hairdo??? Jason DiLaurentis is like “I AM REVIVED! WADDUP BITCHES!” His alleged excuse for being absent in the past half dozen of episode is that he was ‘out of town’. And by out of town, he really meant ‘out of work’. That’s what you get for being a recurring guest star in a fluff show on a tertiary cable channel.

Jason is all like “Spencer, tell your father that I need to see my father. And by your father, I really mean my father. Because your father is actually my father.”

Except this is Pretty Little Liars, where the characters always overcomplicate a simple truth and never confess to any secret until near the end of the episode. Therefore, we’ll revisit the ‘Jason and Spencer share the same genes’ storyline later in the recap.

This is like the fifth or sixth consecutive episode where Hanna has been moping around and bawling her eyes out, and frankly I’m kinda over it. She just isn’t that fun to watch anymore. What happened to the feisty, sassy, bitchy Hanna that we’ve all known and loved? Where’s the girl who used to slap the sunglasses off a blind witch? Bring her back. I miss her dearly.

Mama Marin is like “You didn’t leak Kate’s nudes, right? So tell me who tried to frame you.” And Hanna is like *suffering silently*. Then Mama Marin is like “I can’t help you unless you tell me the truth.” And Hanna is like *a single tear trickling prettily down my cheek*. Finally Mama Marin is like “We’re not gonna be able to have a normal conversation until you get over your pity party of one, are we?” And Hanna is like *sulky panda face*.

Aria suspects that Holden has a drug problem, which apparently crosses her high and mighty moral threshold. The same girl who’s screwing her high school teacher has refused to beard for a guy who’s popping a few happy pills here and there. This is also the same girl who practically worshipped Jason DiLaurentis earlier in the season, even though he was a former stoner who got high as a kite on the night of his sister’s murder.

Honestly, I still don’t give a damn about Holden and his big bad secret, which will probably turn out to be a complete bust, so don’t get your hopes up. Nonetheless, I’d rather watch him than any scene with Ezra, so I’ll *tolerate* Holden for now.

Ashley: Take a step forward if you’d rather not be here.
Mona: How about we skip the step and just jump out the window?

The ‘Truth Up!’ program seems like a big waste of time where the students participate in a series of youth oriented exercises to build self-esteem or whatever. It’s totally the kind of event that your principal would organize just so he can beef up his resume when he’s asking for a raise in front of the school administration board.

Ashley: Take a step forward if you ever felt unsafe or unwelcomed in this school.
Emily: *step* *step* *step* *step* *step*
Ashley: Um Emily, just one step please.
Emily: ONE STEP IS NOT ENOUGH!!!!!

*lol* Look at Emily stirring up shit in front of the principal. Bitch is just acting out because she isn’t allowed on the swim team due to her past delinquent behaviour.

Ashley: Take a step forward if you ever lied to your parents about drinking alcohol.
Everyone: *takes a step forward*

I feel kinda bad for the few well-adjusted teenagers who haven’t taken a single step forward. It must suck being so normal in high school when all your classmates are such ill-behaved freaks.

Ella’s group exercise involves the ~*feelings ball*~, where the ball holder has to say something they could change about their lives. This, of course, leads to a lot of immature comments like “HOT TUB IN THE COURTYARD” and “HALF-DAY ON FRIDAYS”, as well as Kate who bitterly mutters that she wants to go back to her old school.

Ella: Now Kate, you mention something about your old school. What do they have that we don’t have?
Kate: Nice people.
Everyone: *glares at Hanna*

Unfortunately, Noel is also part of this group, which means we have to put up with his “charming” remarks that reek of misogyny and douchiness.

Ella: Yeah Noel, let’s drop the bad boy act and just GET REAL.
Noel: Bad boys got nothing on mean girls. Guys have a fight, there’s a punch and it’s over. Girls don’t fight fair. They gang up, they keep secrets, they plot, they cut you down with a look.

Noel: *looks at Kate* If someone pulled that stunt on me, (OMG E-MAIL ME THE PICTURES!!!) I’d go postal! On the other hand… *looks at Hanna* …if I were you, I’d rent a billboard.

The best part is watching Ella try to stifle a laugh at that comment.

Aria, Caleb, Jenna, Jason and Mama Hastings are all part of the same clusterfuck group. Their exercise involves the students writing anonymous comments on a wall. Veronica had the nerve to ask Jenna if she needs assistance with the writing, which triggered some kind of overdramatic response.

Veronica: Keep in mind this day is about opening up to new possibilities! And you’ll be expected to…
Jenna: …to what!? To forgive all the classmates who have mistreated me!? *cackles* I’m not big on group hugs, Mrs. Hastings. I don’t need a special flashlight to know what people around here are hiding. The school’s filled with phonies and liars. They are everywhere.

And Mama Hastings is probably thinking: “wtf overreact much? All I did was ask her if she needed help with a pen. O_o

In this episode, Emily ~*apologizes*~ to Mona for enabling Alison’s bad behaviour, and for not doing anything to stop her cruel bullying in the past. We catch a quick glimpse of Mona looking visibly shaken by the apology, if only for a few seconds, before she reverted to her usual bravado.

Mona: Oh honey, that was two personalities ago! I’m so not holding onto that!

Mona displays a surprising technological savvy (aka. she’s A!) as she hacks into the principal’s computer (aka. she’s A!) and digs up some dirt that could be used to blackmail against him (aka. she’s A!) Emily almost wanted to chicken out of this dangerous act, but she ends up working as the partner-in-crime in order to get back on the swim team again. Welcome to the dark side, Emily~~~

And welcome back to the swim team, Emily! Thanks to Mona, who dug up some dirt that the corrupt principal received bribes from the football team (Papa Bear needs a new comfy chair in his office, yo). I kinda love watching this five-foot-nothing student literally ~*blackmail*~ one of the most dominant authority figures in the school. Now that’s power!

So Kate accidentally lifts up her shirt, revealing that she has a bruise and a happy trail! No wait…that was Holden from last episode.

Why is there a half-eaten slice of pepperoni on Kate’s body? No wait…that’s actually supposed to be a birthmark, which doesn’t correspond with the body shown in the leaked nudie pix. That’s because the photograph was *doctored* by none other than the victim herself. Kate got BUSTED!!!

During the confrontation, Kate justifies her actions because nude pics are obviously better than bug bite pics. True dat. I mean, you don’t see any celebrities leaking pictures of themselves with rashes all over their bodies, right?

So Hanna is let off the hook, while Kate will forever be known as the girl who leaked nude pictures of herself for attention. What a way to carve a legacy for herself. At the rate she’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kate leaked a sex tape of herself at eighteen, and possibly go into porn before the age of twenty.

Kate kinda sucks balls as a villain though, because it seems like her overelaborate schemes would always fail and backfire in her face. Bitch needs to start taking classes before she starts tormenting the pretty little liars!

Mrs. Marin: In the future, Isabel, before you point your fingers, you might want to take a whiff of the rotten fruit under your family tree.

*lmao* Bitch totally had that line locked up and loaded. She might have even rehearsed it in her head a couple of times. Way to take the high road and stay classy, Ashley!

FLASHBACK TIME: Spencer suddenly remembers a time when Jason macked on Melissa, which freaked out her parents for obvious reasons. Alison was like *lmao incest* while Spencer was like *IDGI*. One person who definitely got it was Melissa, because this little fling now brings her tally to Ian, Wren and Jason. Dayum girl, you only pick the hottest ones.

It finally occurs to Spencer that her father had been screwing around with Mrs. DiLaurentis, which makes Jason her illegitimate half-brother. It would also explain why Papa Hastings acted so ~*shady*~ earlier in the season.

A, of course, wastes no time adding fuel to the fire with a trollish text message: “Don’t be scared, Spence. We’re all family here, some more than others.”

Spencer is obviously angry because this diminishes her chances for a future hook-up with that hot piece of ass Jason DiLaurentis, who is now kinda related to her because of Papa Hastings’ indiscretion. She is even angrier because Mama Hastings already knew about this affair and was like *no1curr*.

Let’s look over some of the anonymous secrets that the students wrote on the wall. I can’t believe people actually took this exercise seriously though. If I was in their shoes, I would probably abuse the anonymity and write down some scandalous rumour like “MR. FITZ FUCKED ME” just to stir shit up.

The virgin and the never-kissed should totally hook up, no? I AM SHIPPING IT.

Most of the secrets are rather tame though, and what you would normally expect from angsty teenagers who think the world revolves solely around them. You hate your life? Well, suck it up and join the club of millions, buddy.

Who the fuck cares if your parents are illiterate, you ungrateful child!? Damn it, I wanna to see some juicy family scandals like “My dad slept with all the students in his class!” or “My mom robbed from an old lady’s savings account!”

Looks like that kid’s parents ain’t the only illiterate ones around these parts. I know this show is obsessed with the letter ‘A’, but there are only two of them in the word ‘afraid’. And I hate to be the annoying troll who points out that you’re missing an apostrophe, but…

(No surprise, really, considering Ezra Fitz and Ella Montgomery are the standard for the English teachers in this high school.)

The most shocking secret written is not “I KNOW WHO KILLED ALISON DILAURENTIS”, but the one written above it – did someone seriously write down “I can’t swim” as their dirty little secret!? WTF. Lamest highschooler ever?

Aria: Hey guys, I’m looking for Caleb…
Jenna: Is he missing?
Noel: I hope so. Maybe someone threw him out with the rest of the garbage.
Jenna: Maybe he walked right into a chainsaw massacre.
Noel: Maybe his decomposing body is behind the dumpster?
Jenna: Maybe his mutilated body parts are in different garbage bags?

Aria: O_O

Not gonna lie, Noel and Jenna kinda scare me. They look like a couple who would go crush dreams and destroy some souls on a typical Friday night.

ARIA IS UNDER ATTACK!!! All of a sudden, Aria finds herself locked on the school rooftop with just her and Noel Khan, which is a pretty scary prospect that will probably end in rape.

Luckily, Holden is there to save the day, kicking Noel in the crotch and then making that *victory pose* like they do in Street Fighters after you win a round.

Ugh Noel Khan, can you stop being such a fucking teenage creeper, stalker, and/or rapist? You weren’t trying to hurt her!? Um, what did you think was gonna happen when you follow a girl like that in the middle of the night? *shudders*

Aria’s first reaction after Holden saved her ass is not to thank him, nor to address the fact that a guy nearly tried to rape her on the rooftop. Oh no, what she does is immediately interrogate Holden, going like “HOW DID YOU LEARN TO FIGHT LIKE DAT??? TELL ME UR SEKRIT RIGHT NAO!”

Oh my god, enough is enough. Holden’s secret is that he’s in a fight club. And dealing drugs. And making out with Mike Montgomery. Let’s move on already.

The episode ends with the pretty little liars receiving a call from the phone number they discovered in Alison’s jacket. The mystery caller is basically like “SEE YOU NEXT EPISODE, BITCHES!”

Who thinks it’s kinda funny that Caleb is sleeping at the school again? It’s like his character is returning to his roots.

But more importantly, A is like *stealing ur laptop*. Hope you have your p0rn collection backed up, Caleb!

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12 Responses

  1. Default avatar Leo February 10th, 2012 / Friday

    Another fantastic recap! Do you just get funnier every week?
    Writing “I can't swim” as a secret. Lamest highschooler ever lol.

    And seriously could we at least get a glimpse of Mike, just to know he's safe and sound. And loved by Holden? *jumps into the Hike or Molden ship?*

    I loved this episode because we get to explore some of uncommon relationship. Aria-Caleb-Jenna, Hanna-Noel-Kate, Emily-Mona, etc.

    And yeah! I'm totally right that Kate leaked her own picture! ^_^

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 10th, 2012 / Friday

      Heh heh, I try my best with these recaps.

      I guess most teenagers' lives are largely scandal free, so the pretty little liars are have abnormally scandalous secrets for girls their age. Still, writing “I can't swim” on that paper is a bit…reaching. *lol*

      I like that they mixed up the pairings too! It's a bit weird watching some characters interact with each other though. I don't think I've seen Mona and Emily talk to one another until now, and after they're like besties!

  2. Default avatar Sabs February 10th, 2012 / Friday

    Another awesometastic recap! I am hooked on your recaps so much so that I start imagineing what you'd say while I'm watching the show and you never fail to dissappoint! I'm even reading your recaps for shows that I don't even watch. Keep up the good work and the eulogy haikus…I love those :P

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 10th, 2012 / Friday

      Thank you! Most of my recaps contain thoughts as I'm watching the episode too, so it's almost like I'm watching the show right there with you~ In the future, I hope to write recaps for a larger variety of shows, so the readers here have a more diverse selection to choose from.

      And yes, eulogy haikus will be coming back in a big way~~~

  3. Default avatar Anonymous February 10th, 2012 / Friday

    Haha omg :') After your recap from last week i was surprised to see you didn't make a comment about emily still havint the naked picture and hannah automatically asking her for it ;')

    • Default avatar Alex February 11th, 2012 / Saturday

      I totally thought that was going to be touched upon here as well! I love how Hanna automatically asked Emily, and Emily's face was priceless, even if it wasn't meant to be by the actress.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 12th, 2012 / Sunday

      Good catch! I actually didn't even notice that scene during my viewings until you brought it up. It completely went past me! But I see the comedy now that it has come to my attention. I love how Emily ~*pretends*~ that she doesn't know if she still has the picture, only for Hanna to find it on her phone literally five seconds later. *lol*

  4. Default avatar Anonymous February 11th, 2012 / Saturday

    I briefly thought that Jason and Spencer are gonna hook up in Season 1 (the first half with Old Jason) *lol*
    And I hate that they are probably going with the twin storyline, it's so stupid and unoriginal.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 12th, 2012 / Sunday

      I know! There was definitely some underlying sexual chemistry between Spencer and Old Jason. Maybe that's why they changed actors halfway through the show? I hope they still *go there* regardless~

      The twin theory is seriously uninspired and I'm dreading it too. But if they insist on going through with the storyline, I hope the show ups the ante and make Alison one of the eight octuplets. Imagine having seven other Alison DiLaurentis running around Rosewood. And then the pretty little liars will have to collect them like Dragonballs. <3

  5. Default avatar Anonymous February 27th, 2012 / Monday

    Good job!!

    “This entire scene was kinda amazing from start to finish. I know I rag on Pretty Little Liars a lot in my recaps, but I really enjoy how the show can deliver these funny one-liners at a rapid-fire velocity”
    => You forgot to mention Aria’s final comment about the fat lady at the end of the scene! And her fluorescent platform shoes during her first scene with Holden!

    This episode was great! The Truth Program device was a bit contrived but watching all the characters locked in the school to reveal their secrets was fun to watch. I loved Noel & Jenna together, Emily & Mona’s scheme (WTF???), Kate & Hanna’s confrontation (girls in toilets stalls recording confessions), Mama Marin’s fierce counterattack, Noel's creepy smile and eyes (how can you be so ridiculously handsome?), Kate's boobs conveniently hidden by a thumb each time the photo is shown on screen…

    I love this show, it doesn’t take itself too seriously and it keeps a good balance between teenage drama, character development, OTT storylines, twists and shouts. It reminds me of how the original Melrose Place turned from a 90210 lookalike into a camp and crazy succession of absurd and addictive plots. And the gross subtext that everybody in this show seems to ignore (25 year old men dating 15 year old girls or semi-incestuous relationships), that are usually frowned upon by major networks, makes it even more twisted!

    Y.

  6. Default avatar LEE July 8th, 2012 / Sunday

    Aria… wtf are you wearing the first scene? neon belt over an ugly dress and neon shoes? gag. also..HANNA SPEAK UP MORE WHEN PPL ACUSE YOU OF STUFF… maybe you being silent the whole time in the principals office is why ppl think you did it.

  7. Default avatar Inês July 12th, 2013 / Friday

    HOW DO YOU KNOW PORTUGAL??????

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