Season 2 Episode 16, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Let the Water Hold Me Down

Lucas goes missing; Spencer stalks blind people; Aria goes on a date with Holden.

A might have ramped up the vicious murder attempts recently, but it’s nice to know our favourite tormentor isn’t beneath pulling bitchy pranks like filling up a bottle with lake water. Of course, this happens during the *one* time that the pretty little liars drink something other than a caffeinated beverage~

BTW I don’t know why Hanna is complaining after she accidentally takes one teensy tip sip of lake water. Now imagine how Lucas feels – poor guy must have swallowed a few mouthfuls when he got whacked off a boat!

Poor, poor Lucas. Oh poor online gambling addict Lucas. He doesn’t get the girl, he doesn’t get the money, and now he doesn’t even get the good juicy storylines either. :-(

All Lucas has going for him is that peekaboo ~*chest hair*~ sneaking out of his shirt collar. Squint carefully and you might see something.

(Just kidding. No male actor in an ABC Family production is allowed to have a follicle of body hair anywhere.)

Mona: Who cares!? First Lucas ruins Caleb’s birthday party. Then he gets everyone in a tizzy because he’s ~pretend~ missing. Needing attention much!? He’s so lame!

Apparently, Lucas hasn’t returned home after his ass got knocked off a boat last episode. His reasons for suddenly going missing include: a.) obvious red herring is obvious, b.) yeah, needing attention much? and c.) he’s probably hiding out of humiliation. Wouldn’t you be embarrassed too because you cannot articulate your gambling addiction storyline without seeming like a creep?

Hanna’s prom queen photo is removed from the school administration because they deem her an unsavoury role model. Pfft, this coming from a school that brought us a high school teacher who sleeps with his students, a lacrosse coach who filmed underage girls, and most likely a demented serial killer who cyberstalks four teenagers. I think a jailbird with a tiara is the least of your worries, Rosewood High.

Mona, being Mona, doesn’t miss an opportunity to insert a random snappy outburst right on cue.

Mona: SHE’S NOT GIVING UP HER CROWN!!!

*lol* at that random extra giving her the ‘wutacrazybitch’ eyes.

Mona bitches about Noel ditching her at the party to chat with a mysterious somebody over the phone. He claims it’s for a “chemistry project”, but let’s get real here – who the fuck talks to their chem partner at a party!?

My prediction? Methinks Noel is trimming his beard for gayer pastures. And by gayer pastures, I mean Mike Montgomery is waiting on the other side with his legs spread open, please and thank you~~~

Hanna couldn’t give two shits about Mona’s love life, nor does she even pretend to care. Mona then accuses her of being an unsupportive friend and an overall selfish bitch. Well, the truth hurts and Hanna retreats inside the school’s washroom stall, where she has a good girly cry (yet her mascara ~magically~ remains pristine).

Holy unnecessary evil scheme! A decides to flood the girls’ washroom while Hanna was still crying inside the stall, which is a pretty risky move considering…

a.) Hanna could have exited the stall at any time.
b.) Hanna could have easily peeked outside and see A in action.
c.) Any other student could have entered the restroom.
d.) If A is a guy, what strange looks will he get as he leaves the girls’ washroom?
e.) And don’t forget that poor custodian who has to clean up this mess afterwards :-(

A risked all that just to put a boat inside a sink. Our tormentor is so dedicated! But oh gurl, you don’t need to flood a public washroom to let us know that the Lucas and Hanna ship has sunken to irredeemable depths. Anyone still shipping that shambles of a couple, good luck.

BTW imagine how *long* Hanna must have been inside the stall for the whole fucking washroom to flood. Either her tear ducts are broken, or I suspect there’s some missing footage of her doing a number two!

Hanna is already having a shitty day, but to make matters worse, Caleb accuses Hanna for not being honest with him over Lucas’ disappearance.

This guy actually had the nerve to tell her: “We have always told each other the truth!” Um…excuse me? Has Caleb conveniently forgotten that he lied about being Jenna’s spy? In fact, wasn’t his dishonesty the reason why they broke up last season? Hell, their entire relationship was established on one deceit after another. -_-”

Hanna’s house security sucks! No wonder A can just waltz in at any time when the Marin household can’t even keep their doors locked properly. It also allows rodents like Lucas to sneak into the house and explain his online gambling addiction storyline in the creepiest way possible.

For me, the most unintentionally funniest moment in the episode goes to Mama Marin, who notices that Hanna is distressed, but doesn’t give a damn long enough to talk it out with her daughter.

Hanna: *visible sulking*
Ashley: *ignores her* Well, I’m taking a bath. Don’t bother me unless someone breaks into our house and you think they’re trying to kill you. And even then, I might dry my hair first before coming to your rescue.

Lucas explains the reason he has been acting so strangely is… he took all of Caleb’s life savings and used it to gamble in a basketball competition. But statistics have failed him and now he lost everything!

…that’s it?

Seriously, that’s it!? All this fucking drama for an undeveloped online gambling debt storyline that probably won’t be mentioned again other than a few throwaway lines? Oh come on!!!

Exactly, Hanna. I know I’ve mentioned Lucas and his ONLINE GAMBLING many times in my recaps, but the truth is PLL spent maybe half a second foreshadowing and/or developing the storyline in the actual show. This plot seemed to have come out of nowhere, although I also knew it was blatantly obvious from the start, which is an odd but ineffective storytelling combination. Not impressed.

I don’t know why money is even an issue with Caleb. I thought his birth mother was filthy rich, or at least well-off enough to hire a private detective and fly her son around the country whenever the plot demands it. Anyway, Lucas just ends up looking very pathetic, but at least he’s not A!

Lucas: *hands over cash* It’s not everything, but I’ll pay you back.
Caleb: Where did you get this money?
Lucas: The men in the public restrooms give very big tips.

Have you tried flirting with someone while pretending to be a distressed caller over the crisis hotline? Congratulations Maya for constantly coming up with super inappropriate ways to score some pussy!

Maya: Hello, crisis hotline? I need your intimate assistance with a noose.
Emily: wtf
Maya: Spoon feed me some pills, sexy~ ;o)
Emily: wtf
Maya: I want you to lick the razor blade wounds all over my body.
Emily: wtf *but is secretly turned on*

I love the image of Emily and Maya flirting with each other while there’s a poster of a missing child behind them. Out of all the offices in the world, the ~*crisis hotline office*~ might be considered one of the most sensual and erotic places ever.

Emily and Maya are going clubbing for a date, but the latter needs some fake ID. It’s decided that they’ll use Aria’s card (plz fire any bouncer who believes this lolita looks of legal age), simply because both are “five feet two” and “brunette”. I don’t know about you, but I always get Aria and Maya mixed up because they look soooo alike. Separated at birth much?

Maya has been getting suspicious phone calls and text messages, which leads Emily to believe that her gf might be getting blackmailed too. But not everything has to revolve around A. It’s probably just Bianca Lawson’s agent calling, booking her another high school student gig on some teenage-oriented show. Next stop: Teen Wolf story arc, bitches~

It turns out that Maya’s big dirty secret is that she hooked up with someone else during her absence. Emily is like “No biggie, I was also slutting it up with Paige and Samara while you were away. I think it’s a prerequisite for teenagers on television to behave as promiscuously as possible, so whatevs.”

And then Maya dropped a story grenade as quickly as she dropped her lesbianism! She goes like “oh btw, did I mention that he has a diq? Yep, I’m a girl who loves me some meaty cock, nom nom nom” And Emily is absolutely NOT COOL with this sudden bisexuality twist, while looking slightly repulsed at the mere thought of a man’s penis.

Aria meets up with her childhood friend Holden, as they discuss some fond memories of their kindergarten years. We get a shocking revelation that she dared him to *EAT GLUE* in the past.

OMG this kinda makes drinking lake water seem a bit amateurish, doesn’t it A? You can put murky water in bottles and squiggly worms in takeout boxes all you like, but let it be known that Aria nearly poisoned somebody with glue when she was just five years old. Now that’s real badass~

Aria: Sorry, I’m just kinda confused. (THAT’S WHAT MAYA SAID) Is this a date?
Holden: Is that weird?
Aria: *unconvincingly* No…
Spencer: *suppressing ironic laughter*

Aria agrees to go on a not-awkward-at-all date with Holden, who decides to woo her with a bag of candy gummy bears. Wow, this guy is really pulling out all the stops! Maybe on the next date, he might even bring her a pack of gum or a small diet cola. *gasps* But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves with these wildly outrageous gifts just yet.

AND THEN EZRA SHOWS UP TO SEE THE SAME PLAY AS ARIA OMG OMG OMG. IF THIS ISN’T AN INDICATION OF ETERNAL TRU LUV, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!!!!! That gormless expression on Ezra’s face is clearly a look of measured restraint from a man overwhelmed with love for his former high school student. How beautiful! How poignant! How Ezria!

OMFG EZRIA ALERT. Somebody go cue the slow motion, soft music, and place a wind machine in front of Lucy Hale immediately!!!

Not even exaggerating, but we get one of the most fucking ridiculous scenes in Pretty Little Liars history, as Aria struts in slow motion towards a wind machine with accompanying piano music. You gotta see it to believe it in all its glorious terribleness. I was guffawing the whole way, but seriously… how embarrassing and cringeworthy for all of humanity involved.

It’s like the writers put on their thinking caps and thought: “How can we possibly make Ezria seem even more nausea inducing than usual? Oh I know, let’s throw as many clichés into the scene and trot out the wind machine! I sure hope our viewers like their show with a nice slice of fermented cheese.”

ARIA IS LOOKING SO FRESH! I kinda dig it. And hey, if life puts a wind machine right in front of you, take the opportunity to make as many pouty model faces as possible~~~

(Holden can pose too, if he must insist…)

Aria couldn’t stop ovulating every time she’s in proximity to her Ezra-poo, and Holden immediately susses out the illicit relationship based on their cringey interactions. FINALLY someone doesn’t turn a blind eye to the most blatant forbidden romance ever.

I also love how Holden figures it out after five minutes of observation, while Aria’s parents spent thirty-something episodes in blissful oblivion. How could they NOT have noticed???

Aria goes all “plz don’t tell mah parents O_O” but Holden doesn’t mind bearding for her as long as she does the same for him. He’s like “I got secrkits I wanna hide from my parents too!” which roughly translates to “HI I AM THE BIGGEST CLOSETED GAY TO EVER GAYED IN ROSEWOOD. MIKE MONTGOMERY, CALL ME~~~”

It seems very probable that Holden is gay, gay, gay, but please don’t get your hopes up. Knowing what they did with Lucas’ storyline, I fear his secret might be him having overdue library fees or something.

Guess who eats gum and loves reading magazines? Spencer finds a suspicious receipt at her lake house, which might technically belong to one of her family members, but where’s the fun in that boring scenario when we can wildly speculate on what kind of magazines A loves to read? I’m guessing Vogue (those *boots* belong to a fashionista), People (A just seems like a gossipy bitch, no?) and Playboy (for the intelligent articles).

Hanna vs. Spencer’s nana’s couch at the lake house, round two!

Hanna: A was in the lake house when Caleb and I were…!?
Spencer: Fraternizing on my nana’s sofa!?
Hanna: Okay, who told?
Spencer: Y’know, doesn’t even matter! There are like four bedrooms up there with actual beds in them!

*lol*

Spencer’s misadventure of the week leads her to a rehabilitation centre for the blind! Also known as Jenna’s EVIL SECRET HEADQUARTERS.

This good looking blind guy talks with Spencer for a while, revealing that Jenna was a determined little bitch at the rehabilitation centre. She went through rehab very focused on leading a fulfilling life despite losing her eyesight. We also learn that Jenna was particularly inspirational to this cute blind guy during his darker depressing years.

Sorry, I can’t get over how *pretty* he is! Please make his character gay as well and have him hook up with Mike Montgomery~ (even though this guy definitely won’t appear on the show again lol)

At the rehab, Spencer clashes with this particularly disagreeable receptionist who is a TOTAL BITCH. You wouldn’t think someone with a few lines of dialogue can be such a raging asshole, but Jada emerged as the indisputable HBIC as soon as she graced her presence on our television screens.

Spencer: I want to learn more about Jenna Marshall…
Jada: LISTEN CAREFULLY MISSY BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANNA MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF. OUR PATIENTS’ INFORMATION IS CON-FI-DEN-TIAL. WHICH MEANS NOSY BITCHES LIKE YOU ARE NOT PRIVY TO OUR MEDICAL RECORDS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT CHAIR SHE SITS IN. NOW GTFO BEFORE I BREAK YOUR TWIGGY BODY AND TURN *YOU* INTO A CHAIR.
Spencer: *eek*

I seriously love Jada. I love everything about her. I love her rude responses. I love her natural air of bitchiness. I love that she perches her reading glasses on her nose. I love that she’s rocking the stern schoolmistress uniform to perfection. And I love that she is pretty much the most patronising receptionist in the world.

In fact, I bet Jada mentored Jenna into becoming the bitter, bitchy, vengeful hag that she is today. Between the cute blind guy and Queen Jada, I wanna see some momentous flashbacks about Jenna’s time at this rehab centre!

Jada: Hold on, miss. You need to sign in.
Spencer: Uh, I was just leaving.
Jada: You sat. You had coffee. That makes you a visitor. What does that sign say?
Spencer: All visitors must sign in.
Jada: GOOD, SO YOU CAN READ. SINCE YOU’RE NOT A PATIENT FROM THE REHABILITATION CENTRE FOR THE ILLITERATE, I ASSUME YOU’RE CAPABLE OF WRITING YOUR NAME IN THIS BOOK TOO? OR DO I NEED TO CUT A BITCH IN ORDER FOR YOU TO COMPLY!?

*bows down*

Jada is my queen forever~~~

Queen Jada stepped aside from her throne (aka. the receptionist desk) for a moment, which gives Spencer ample time to *STEAL* some confidential patient records!

I love how thievery has become such second nature to Spencer now. She doesn’t even hesitate. She just dives in, grabs the book, and dashes out of the rehab like a true professional. Bitch knows how to get things done.

On Spencer’s way home, she bumps into Mona in the middle of a shopping spree. Mona is actually shopping away her sorrows since Noel just broke up with her, and she can’t even talk with Hanna after their latest feud. Spencer ends up giving Mona some sage advice.

Mona: Do you know how hard I have to work to get a guy like Noel Khan to go out with me?
Spencer: If you’ve become the Mona you wanna be, why are you letting Noel Khan tell you you’re not good enough. You cannot let him send you spinning backwards like that.

Preach it, sister!

Spencer showed her friends what she conveniently stole from rehab today. No one even questions how Spencer got these confidential records from, because the girls have become so accustomed and desensitized to it by this point.

We find out that Jenna conveniently checked out from rehab on the night of Alison’s murder, whatever that means…

The bigger surprise comes when the girls find that their Chinese take-out is filled with earthworms, courtesy of A!

Should I even ask how A managed to successfully swap the take-out order with a bunch of living squiggly worms? Did A place an order on Craigslist? Or is this gonna be one of those A stunts that defies all logic, yet we eat it up anyway just because it’s so *deliciously* bitchy?

Read more recaps!

9 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous January 20th, 2012 / Friday

    It's funny cause the blind guy's actor played Blaine's gay crush on Glee.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      omg now that you mentioned it, I kinda thought he looked vaguely familiar! :O
      He looks better here though, probably because rehabilitation centre > Gap store in terms of ~glam~ factor.

  2. Default avatar Anonymous January 20th, 2012 / Friday

    Great Review

  3. Default avatar Anonymous January 26th, 2012 / Thursday

    LOL. Emily and Maya flirting and there's a poster of a missing child behind them. So irrelevant yet so hilarious. You just made my day.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Thank you~ I pride myself in being the only online recapper to cover the most mundane details about a television show. Only on Recap Everything, y'all.

  4. Default avatar Mike June 14th, 2013 / Friday

    Mike’s gay?

    *Aria eyes*

  5. Default avatar Cayman February 7th, 2014 / Friday

    I’m so far behind, but I love these recaps! If you could include what A did at the end of the episode. I’m still not sure what A was doing in that room.

  6. Default avatar Mona April 20th, 2014 / Sunday

    Awesome

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