Season 2 Episode 13, Pretty Little Liars Recap, The First Secret

Alison attends a Halloween party and destroys everyone’s souls in the process; Jenna arrives to town.

Welcome to a special Halloween edition of Pretty Little Liars! At first, I thought this was just a gimmicky ploy for ABC Family to get viewers to watch their shit network…and I’m just going to let that sentence hang there because it’s totally true.

But this Halloween special was pretty awesome! It was like a typical episode of Pretty Little Liars, except ten times bitchier because Alison is the central focus. Plus, everyone gets to dress up in ridiculous costumes, which is always fun, so yay!

I wasn’t kidding about this episode being much bitchier because of Alison’s presence. In fact, the scariest part about the Halloween special is witnessing her psychopathic behaviour in its full glory. We only got short snippets of the blonde bitch in past episodes, but now we get to see an entire hour of her bullying, her tormenting, and her manipulative mind games. Alison’s acidic tongue is far scarier than any monsters under your bed, believe you me.

This episode takes place all the way back in 2008, when Alison is still alive and kicking. It’s always fun to watch the girls in their flashback modes. Aria had that stupid pink hair. Emily was in the closet yet made googly eyes at every attractive girl in vicinity. Spencer somehow reverted to being a giggly and excitable eleven-year-old. And Hanna’s weight fluctuated in every scene, depending on the size of the pillow they stuffed underneath her wardrobe on that day.

While all the characters went through drastic personality transformations from before and after Alison’s death, it’s reassuring to know that Noel has consistently remained a giant creeper throughout his life.

Alison: What a shame. All that testosterone and not a sheep in sight.
Noel: Careful, Alison. I get your jokes, but someday you might meet a guy who doesn’t.

WTF was that response!? Did he just threaten her??? *Aria eyes* O_O

Anyway, Noel and his mute manservants are hosting a Halloween party. Noel is like YOU BITCHES ARE INVITED and Aria is like IMPREGNATE ME NOEL KHAN since she used to have this lulzy crush on him. All the girls are super excited, because they’ve a legitimate excuse to wear more ridiculous clothes than usual.

*insert clunky expository scene about some random haunted house in the neighbourhood*

There’s a new HBIC in town! Toby mumbles grumpily that his father just married another woman, so his new stepsister Jenna is moving into the house.

(I think Toby and Jenna’s parents sound like really interesting characters, and it’s a shame that we haven’t seen them duke it out with the Hastings family on the show.)

BTW, I love this moment where Emily starts picking up Jenna’s belongings without permission, and Toby shoots her a subtle WTF look that’s like “hands off, you nosey bitch”.

NOEL KHAN IS SUCH A FUCKING CREEPER. OMG I CAN’T EVEN. Something has always been a bit off about that boy, but he just ramped up the crazy in this particular episode. Did he think grabbing Alison like that was supposed to be funny? Because from this angle, it looked he was rehearsing with his RAPE HANDS.

Does his character frustrate anyone else? For me, it’s just that he is so devilishly handsome, but he acts like such a smarmy douchebag creepo that it ruins his attractiveness. Then, I think but oh he’s so good looking, maybe I can ignore his antics and just focus on those luscious eyebrows. But nope, not even my superficiality can tolerate Noel’s twatty behaviour. That’s how shit his personality is.

Alison’s first encounter with Jenna is at the party store, where they are shopping costumes for Noel’s party. They’re both dressing up as Gaga, but Alison keeps referring her as “Lady G” for some reason. I’m sure she thought this cutesy nickname would catch on by the year 2011, but newsflash: it never did.

I’m not sure what to focus on in this screenshot: Jenna’s eyes, Jenna’s tits, or those horrid face masks in the background. I mention this because we do see plenty of all three throughout the episode.

Alison: I’m going as Lady G.
Jenna: Oh, she’s so new. I thought I was being original.

IMO this was the funniest exchange in the episode. Between Alison’s insistent assertion on the nickname ‘Lady G’ and the show’s cheeky reminder that the episode is set in 2008, I was just *guffawing*.

Alison tells Jenna to kindly fuck off because there can only be ONE GAGA at the party, and there’s still plenty of time to dress up as someone else. Jenna politely agrees, but the two girls were making *bitcheyes* at each other and you can cut the tension between them with a knife. It’s like watching two hound dogs marking their territory. It was epic!

This flashback episode reveals that before A harassed the pretty little liars, Alison might have been blackmailed too! She also received electronic threats on her cell phone too.

The text message reads “I’m watching you”, albeit without A’s token signature, so make of that as you will.

IAN IS BACK YAYAYAYAYAY!!! The original and the best (worst?) Rosewood pedo is alive again, baby. Watch out, you don’t wanna know what that video camera has been filming!

He must be practically salivating right now because video camera + underage girls = makes Ian Thomas a very happy perverted man. It’s kinda weird watching Alison and Ian flirt with each other though, considering they’re both dead, dead, dead in our current timeline.

It’s also fun to watch Melissa in top form as the overachieving boss bitch, instead of her sulky & mopey self in Season 2.

Alison: I guess that’s what happens when you have a perfect older sister.
Melissa: No, Alison, that’s what happens when you’re a HASTINGS. I didn’t make the rules.

*lol*

Melissa: Ian and I are dressing up as Bonnie & Clyde. I’m telling you this so the younger viewers won’t get confused about who we are when they see our costumes later in the episode.
Spencer: OMG SO COOL. *smiles toothily at camera*

Spencer is so dorky this episode, I love it.

Aria has a chance encounter with Ezra as she bumps into him while he’s still studying at Hollis college. In this episode, the show tries to squeeze in as many familiar characters into the canon timeline, even if their appearances add zero value to the narrative. I’m just surprised they didn’t insert an awkward Caleb cameo somewhere.

Remember Meredith? I honestly didn’t. Papa Montgomery had an affair with this forgettable tart long ago. I thought they dropped this storyline because the icky teacher/student implications may have tainted the ~EZRIA TRU WUV ROMANCE~, so I’m a bit surprised they brought her back.

It’s pretty awkward watching Byron get hit on by a student right in front of his daughter. But as always, Aria is too oblivious to notice that her father was checking out Meredith’s ass as she walks out his office.

Aria: What’s her story?
Byron: Students crash here all the time.
Aria: Because you’re so cool?
Byron: Yeah, I’m down with that.

Oh, I’m sure you’re down with that, Papa Montgomery. And maybe on some other nights, Meredith could be down with that too. On both knees. With lubricant.

This episode recycles every tired Halloween cliché that the writers could think of, including the telephone ringing in the dark. Sorry, but that’s just weak. A ringing phone isn’t scary at all, no matter how much the heightened background music tries to convince us otherwise.

Oh look, it’s Detective Wilden…although he’s more like Officer Wilden at this point in time. His cameo appearance was so completely pointless that it was just hilarious. It’s like the writers thought, “Oh shit, we don’t have a proper storyline for Hanna in this episode, so let’s throw Bryce Johnson in a cop uniform and see where that takes us.”

But yeah, Hanna got saddled with no storyline this episode other than wear a little extra padding under her wardrobe. It was fun watching Mama Marin act like a drunken floozy though.

Wilden swings by the next morning for some hot lonely divorcee action. However, Ashley is sober now so she rejects his advances right away. Embarrassed that he has absolutely no game, Wilden babbles on about how she needs to be careful because there’re some UNPREDICTABLE people in the streets. Maybe he thinks that’s an effective chat-up line, but it sounds more like a thinly veiled threat to me. Anyway, Ashley is like *lolwtf* and ends the conversation before he humiliates himself any further.

In conclusion, Wilden is a tool.

Homely Mona reappears! Apparently, anyone who wears glasses and pigtails is destined to be a social outcast in high school. Poor Mona tries to fit in at the popular girls’ lunch table, but Alison is like “If you ignore it, it will go away.” And Mona is like “D: D: D:”

Mona is relegated to sitting with Lucas during lunch, which is just…unfortunate. Say what you want about Mona, but you gotta admire someone who clawed and crawled her way up the social ladder through pure determination. She refuses to sit with that lonely yearbook geek in the cafeteria! She will be part of the mean girl clique one day, dammit!

In this episode, Spencer is all about winning some school election. She’s feeling a lot of pressure from her overachieving family. Because if she loses, the Hastings name will be forever put to shame. Hell, she might even get disowned by her parents because some gormless teenagers didn’t vote her into the student council!

There’s a lot at stake for Spencer during this election. Naturally, Alison plays these awful mind games and convinces her that the final results aren’t favourable. Spencer is a nervous wreck and immediately breaks down at the words “YOU MIGHT NOT SUCCEED IN SOMETHING”. Alison continues her manipulative power play by promising to rig the votes. This means Spencer’s victory will always have a big red asterisk next to it, thanks to Alison’s assistance. In other words, she is forever indebted to her friend.

GTFO New Jason, this isn’t how you’re supposed to look like in 2008!

I wish the show screw around with its viewers and cast Old Jason for this flashback episode. A little continuity to the inconsistencies within the show would’ve been very tongue in cheek.

Alison receives a mysterious voodoo doll with the message “IT’S MY TURN TO TORTURE YOU.” Again, there’s no signature from A. And we never find out who sent these blackmail messages. It wouldn’t be an episode of Pretty Little Liars without introducing some loose ends that will never get tied up.

RECYCLED FOOTAGE TIME! Aria catches her whore father macking on Meredith inside a car! I’m sure he probably fucked her in his office and every classroom on campus, so I don’t understand why he can’t contain his urges long enough to avoid kissing in broad daylight. Maybe Aria learned from her dad about these inappropriate public displays of affection with your taboo lover?

Oh fuck off, Papa Mongtomery! Tell me you’re not browsing through a family photo album after your daughter caught you cheating!? As you can see, Byron is vying for that utterly despicable angle of “I love my kids so much, please don’t tell your mother, you don’t want to destroy our perfect family do you Aria? You don’t want that on your guilty conscience, do you dear daughter?” I suddenly remember how much I hated his character in Season 1, ugh!

Aria is visibly upset when she confronts her father. She even starts blubbering in this GHASTLY high-pitched whisper that’s only audible to certain species of dogs. Although it’s a very emotional scene, I’m happy to report that the *ARIA EYES* were in full effect as she reacts to her father’s adultery. O_O

Papa Montgomery gives his daughter the ultimatum that if Aria wants to protect this family, she will not tell her mother about the affair. Oh yeah, good job transferring the devastation of your indiscretions upon your teenage daughter, asshole. Now it’ll be Aria’s fault if her mom decides to file a divorce, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy that they showed the aftermath of Byron getting busted by his daughter. It’s nice to know they actually followed up to a long forgotten flashback in the pilot. However, this moment was just so unexpected! I was anticipating a campy Halloween special where the characters dress up in frivolous costumes in between the occasional guest cameo. Like, Alison just made her 100th fat dig at Hefty Hanna a minute ago, and suddenly we get this uber-serious scene!? You need to prepare me in advance, Pretty Little Liars!

In this episode, we hear a lot of gossip about Emily’s ex-boyfriend Ben, who spread around a rumour that the two of them did the nasty. It’s comforting to know that Ben is still a predatory sex fiend since the last time he tried to rape his girlfriend.

Anyway, Emily is happy to let the rumour spread because it provides a smokescreen to her lesbianism. Alison is suspicious of her intentions, but she hasn’t figured out her friend’s secret…yet.

So Aria decides to dress up early in her Halloween costume as an over-accessorized gothic flight attendant. Wait…what do you mean it isn’t a costume? She’s dolled up like this as part of her everyday attire? Oh Aria. Never change. O_O

Lucas had the nerve to share the same breathing space as Alison in the school hallway, so she mercilessly torments him in front of everyone. I will NEVER understand the offensive joke behind Hermes the Hermaphrodite, but it’s hurtful enough to affirm that Alison is a godawful malicious bully.

We also find out that Spencer won the election in a narrow margin of two votes. Spencer feels a bit reserved about her victory, knowing that Alison might or might not have influenced this final outcome.

I never witness anyone doing an evil wink before, but Alison manages to ooze evil conniving bitch even with her facial tics.

In a persistent effort to eradicate any remaining shred of her human soul, Alison starts INSULTING Aria because she brings “negative energy” to the group after discovering her father’s adultery.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Like, I could almost excuse the rest of her behaviour as just bitchy, but this is downright psychopathic. Alison, do you not understand the concept of EMPATHY? Are you that emotionally remote from HUMAN DECENCY? Your friend just witnessed a traumatic event yesterday! Cut her some fucking slack!

I demand you give up your Gaga outfit right now! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

This recap is already running a bit too long, but I can’t resist analyzing the girls’ costumes one outfit at a time.

Hanna: dressed up as Britney who is a forever timeless icon, so gj!

Aria: dressed up as a goth witch. Can you believe this bitch, of all people, almost didn’t dress up for the Halloween party until Alison talked her into doing it? I guess when you strut around in ridiculously impractical clothes all the time, Halloween just feels like any ordinary day.

Emily: dressed up as a typical hot girl in a slutty costume that exposes as much skin as possible, so gj!

Spencer: …*lol*

Noel: dressed up as a GYNECOLOGIST and proud to proclaim it to anyone whom he didn’t scare away. Oh Noel, you’re so charming. Girls absolutely love guys dressing up as doctors who fiddle with their lady parts! Stop being such a dreamboat!

Jenna: dressed up as Lady Gaga and actually made a decent effort. This is pretty much a big FUCK YOU to Alison after their squabble at the party store, so gj!

Alison is fuming that she’s wearing the same costume as the new girl. She’s called Lady G, not Ladies G! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GAGA ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!!

*lol* @ that random’s expression. Bitch, get out of the way if you can’t appreciate the show. You’re in the middle of an epic HBIC showdown!

Alison knows she has met a formidable opponent in Jenna and tries a different approach. She offers Jenna a spot in her cliquey posse, because the school can always use one more hardcore bitch to rule the hallway and cafeteria.

However, Jenna is like “No thank you. I’d like to choose my own friends” which roughly translates to “GLOVES OFF! THIS IS WAR!!!”

There’s a telling moment at the party when Mona walks past Alison, who asks “Do I know you?” And Mona replies: “No, but you will~”

Also, Mona knows a potential queen bee when she sees one. She immediately goes to cozy up to Jenna, complimenting on her Gaga, and thus is the beginning of an unholy friendship!

During the party, Emily is eyeing Jenna in her skimpy little red slip (oh like you wouldn’t). Now, I can never UNSEE the sexual tension between these two. It sorta explains why Emily was so unnecessarily hostile towards Jenna in a prior episode, eh?

Unfortunately, Alison catches her perving and susses out that Emily is just one big closeted lesbian. She says teasingly to her friend, “Were you wishing you could taste her cherry chapstick?” Oh Alison, quoting a newly released Katy Perry song, you’re so current and relevant!

Alison plays some dumb shit prank that involves luring the girls to the aforementioned haunted house, while she stages a fake attack with Noel Khan. The pretty little liars seriously thought Alison could be hurt, and they get butthurt when Alison laughs at their gullibility. Later on, Noel admits that he didn’t meet with Alison so it must’ve been someone else attacking her? Or something like that? *whatever*

Ian is recording a lot of underage girls during the party to add to his collection (genuine question: where did all of his films go after he died?) Naturally, Alison doesn’t miss out a prime opportunity to hit on him…

…but Melissa comes swooping in and places dibs on her man! I love how Alison is so stunned that she doesn’t even change her position. *lol*

Someone has a cop fetish! We see Jenna chatting up Officer Wilden in the party. Since the best aspect about Wilden’s character is that he actually seems to be attracted to ADULT WOMEN, I sure hope he doesn’t turn out to be yet another pedocop.

Alison gets randomly harassed by this masked stranger, who calls her a BITCH! And then he quickly scurries away like a coward.

Of course the masked man is Lucas. Yeah, that’s real *manly* of him – sneaking behind like Alison and calling her a bitch, as if someone like her would take that as an insult rather than a compliment. You sure showed her who is boss around Rosewood!

At the end of the episode, Alison receives a final text message that reads: “Dying to know who I am? You’ll find out. – A”

Oh A, you and your puns. I’m sure Alison is just DYING to find out who you are. And I have a feeling that the two of you might hit it off when you meet in hell one day.

Read more recaps!

19 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous October 22nd, 2011 / Saturday

    Hilarious recap as usual. They could have at least changed Jason's hair back for the episode though since they weren't bringing back Old Jason. But ABC family just hopes that no one will notice their inconsitencies.

    Did anyone else notice that To Kill a Mockingbird references throughout the episode? I was seriously waiting for Boo Radley to pop up at some point. There was a truck that said Radley, Aria's suspicions that something bad might have happened in the creepy house that Ali pranked them in, and the street sign that said Mockingbird. Also the references to the twins and one of them being psycho and coming back after getting sent away… Wonder where ABC Family is taking that.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I know New Jason appeared on the show now more often than the old one did, but I still can't get over how much his character changed in appearance/personality and the show does not address this at all. I hope one day they'll pull a ridiculous switcheroo and reveal both Jasons at the same time. He has an evil twin!!!

  2. Default avatar Anonymous October 22nd, 2011 / Saturday

    If you ever get the chance could you do a Revenge recap or one of the The Vampire Diaries for season three? Those would be hilarious!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I heard so many great things about Revenge online, and it has miraculously not been cancelled yet unlike my initial prediction of the show, so I'm definitely going to put this on my watch list. I still haven't watched most of the new TV shows this season, including The Secret Circle and Terra Nova, both of which I really want to check out. *sadface*

      Hopefully by early November, I will have caught up to my huge television backlog and resume recaps for a few shows again (the other vampire show, True Blood, is top of my to-do list). I do have an affinity for recapping newer shows though, and plus TVD just isn't a must-watch for me. I know the series is insanely popular though, so I'll eventually get around to all the amusing ridiculousness of the show. I may just do a few single-episode recaps instead of covering the whole series, which should relieve some of the pressure.

  3. Default avatar Anonymous October 23rd, 2011 / Sunday

    Like as always, this recap was hilarious! Thanks for doing such a good job!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Thank you for commenting! I will keep on working hard to write these recaps.

  4. Default avatar Alex October 25th, 2011 / Tuesday

    Aria's high pitched whine. So great. I literally watch this show now and try to anticipate how you will discuss it haha, I knew that part would get touched on. These recaps make the show so much more entertaining.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      The first time I heard Aria's voice in that scene, I was like O_O…wtf is wrong with her??? I think Lucy Hale was supposed to be sobbing, but it came across like she was having an asthma attack. If that's what her shrieks are like, now we know what Ezra hears when she climaxes. :3

  5. Default avatar Anonymous October 26th, 2011 / Wednesday

    Lol, they tried so hard to make the epidode look scary but it was just so cliched.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      *lol* Yes, it came across as a parody of the typical scary Halloween episode because they were so laughably bad. It's like the show just ripped off every tired Halloween cliche, throw in a few random clucky references, and hoped that the viewers will perceive these as a tribute to the great classics instead of being completely unoriginal.

  6. Default avatar Alex October 27th, 2011 / Thursday

    Definitely do The Secret Circle, it's pretty good. Also, American Horror Story :D You would have a field day.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I finally watched the first episode of The Secret Circle. A recap will be coming soon!

      American Horror Story is generating a lot of buzz and I'm kinda interested in checking it out. Ryan Murphy is the show runner, so I know that at least the first season will be good until it turns to shit. But I do get scared really easily, so I hope the show won't be too gruesome for my tastes. D:

  7. Default avatar Anonymous November 1st, 2011 / Tuesday

    You should do recaps of some British shows like Skins, or better – Misfits.

    • Default avatar Anonymous February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Skins and Misfits would be hilarious! The seasons are really short. Also, SLiDE which is similar to SKINS but its Australian and lighter in tone.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I'm actually a huge sucker for British reality television shows, so I've some interest in watching these scripted dramas. Although the American remake of Skins was so awful that it scarred me for life, Misfits sounds interesting from the little that I know about it. I haven't heard of Slide until now, but the show had me at “teen drama” on its Wikipedia entry. I definitely won't rule out a few single episode recaps of these shows down the road.

    • Default avatar Anonymous February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Don't ever compare Skins US to Skins UK!!! Plus, Skins had a lesbian Emily F first.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      omg sorry. I wouldn't wish that awful comparison to any show. D:

  8. Default avatar Alex November 9th, 2011 / Wednesday

    I realize we keep adding to your extremely long list of shows to watch, but there was a show on Showtime called Look that aired last summer and had Colton Haynes as one of the stars. It doesn't come out on DVD till November 29th, but from what I've seen I like the looks of it. There are clips of it on coltonhaynes.net and it's all about crazy teenagers that text and have loads of sex and videotape stuff. That's not a good description of it at all, but from what I've seen of it, I feel like you would like it.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      As a TV addict, I love hearing as many recommendations as possible, so keep them coming! I've heard of Look before and I found out about that show since those nekkid Colton Haynes pictures surfaced on the net (you know the ones~) Unfortunately, I have a self-imposed ban against Showtime after they cancelled the brilliant United States of Tara…or at least until Shameless comes back next year. But I'm at the point where I'll watch anything with Colton Haynes in it though. Once I get over my grudge against the network, I'll probably put Look on my to-watch list.

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