Season 2 Episode 12, Pretty Little Liars Recap, Over My Dead Body

Dr. Sullivan is kidnapped and must be rescued; Alison’s murder weapon is finally revealed.

Hey folks! It’s the halftime finale for the second season of Pretty Little Liars, where you’re guaranteed none of the important questions or mysteries will be answered, but you still watch the damn show anyway! In this faux finale, we’re promised SHOCKING DEATHS (lol jk no one dies), A SHOCKING WEDDING (lol jk again no one gets married) and MANY SHOCKING REVELATIONS (lol jk thrice no one discovers anything significant).

Now that I spoiled the entire plot in the first caption, sit back and enjoy the rest of the episode recap! It’s gonna be a fun one!

OMG. Guess who is back in Rosewood!? It’s this generic and indistinguishable whats-his-face brunette male character, who abruptly vanished halfway last season once he found a better role in another TV show. Remember him? Think back. Think wayyy back. Do you recall that seedy police officer who slept with Hanna’s mom in the pilot episode? You might not remember his name, but you do remember his shirtless body in a towel right? (His name is Darren Wilden btw.)

I love how the show introduced Detective Wilden like we’re supposed to remember who the fuck this minor character is. All the girls are ~*speechless*~ at his return because I don’t think they recognize him either!

Anyway, the episode begins with a flashback to what happened twelve hours ago, as we try to figure out why the girls are currently in police custody.

Dr. Sullivan is still missing since the cliffhanger from last week’s episode, and the girls have no luck locating their doctor. On the bright side, at least there’re no news reports of her dead body yet, which either means she’s still alive…or A likes to torture ’em before he/she kills them.

Maya reassures us that she’s still a lesbian even after they tried to brainwash the gay out of her at Jesus Camp. However, she’s not convinced that Emily’s formerly homophobic monster mom has turned a new leaf, so they’re just going to remain friends for the time being.

Maya: I will admit to knowing all the words to ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. But then I recite the lyrics to a Melissa Etheridge song and all is right in the world again.

Toby: If we had a real baby, what would it look like?
Spencer: I’m picturing a newborn with a six-pack.

WHOA. Easy on the baby talk, Toby. It’s not cool to be the Levi Johnston to Spencer’s Bristol Palin, m’kay? I don’t think you guys are ready for the baby-making portion of your relationship yet, although the prospect of seeing Spencer sixteen & pregnant is too delicious to pass up.

Caleb is like *contractual cameo appearance* to provide moral support for Hanna, whose father is finally getting married in this episode. Naturally, we don’t hear any details about Caleb’s new life with his birth mother, since the writers still haven’t figured out what the hell to do with that shambles of a storyline. Nonetheless, they gave Caleb a brand new groovy hairstyle, which is irrefutable proof that he has been living in California!

Jackie somehow manages to include romantic undertones into a conversation about academic essays. It’s pretty obvious that she still has feelings for her ex-fiancé, but Ezra promptly shoots down her advances since he’s not the type of guy who cheats on his underage girlfriend.

You just know that it’s *grating* Jackie’s ass that she got passed over for a piece of bimbo jailbait. Also, Ezra didn’t have the heart to tell her that she’s sitting exactly where he and Aria did the nasty in a past episode. And I highly doubt he disinfected the couch afterwards!

Aria’s humungous triangular satellite earrings allow her to eavesdrop into their conversation. Now she knows for a fact that Jackie is going after her man!

Seriously, look at the fucking gigantic size of her ridiculous triangle earrings!!! It’s like there are two radio towers hanging on Aria’s ears.

Since the pretty little liars are too wrapped up in their love lives to care about Dr. Sullivan’s well-being, A has to remind them that the bitch is unharmed but still in peril.

Inspired by a typical Psych season finale, A takes Dr. Sullivan hostage while engaging the pretty little liars in a series of mind games. The ransom note reads: “You have until 7PM to save her. These are my demands.”

I love how A went with an old school ransom note with the individual letters cut out from different magazine headings. A typical kidnapper would’ve just typed out a letter on the computer, but A is such a ~*dedicated*~ villain. Much respect!

In order to save Dr. Sullivan’s life, each pretty little liar must fulfill a nearly impossible task. For example, Aria’s doll says: “Get rid of Jackie” while Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding”.

Spencer’s doll is by far my favourite, because it simply says: “Keep Toby safe” which is such a vague but scary threat. Spencer is already freaking out about this, because she suspects the brakes in Toby’s car were tampered with earlier today.

Emily is curious why she didn’t get a creepy doll from A, and Aria is like MAYBE IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, EMILY. TIME TO LET THE OTHER GIRLS GET A TURN IN THE SPOTLIGHT, OK? BTW STOP TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ME IN THE RIDICULOUSLY IMPRACTICAL WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, BECAUSE YOU WILL ~*NEVER*~ WIN.

Hanna also suggests that A might be bored of torturing Emily, but in reality it’s more like A is saving the worst punishment for last!

Even the girls marvel at A’s brilliant diabolical schemes.

Spencer: A is being our ultimate frenemy, forcing us to get what we want, but knowing that when we do…
Hanna: All hell breaks loose.

A finds out that Jackie had plagiarized a French article for her research paper. All Aria needs to do is use this information to blackmail Jackie out of the school. Honestly, Jackie deserves it for being so stupid in an academic setting and she’s bound to get caught anyway. Did she think no one is going to notice?

Even though Aria has one of the easiest tasks, she still manages to fuck it up in a way that only Aria could. Y’know, there’s a REASON why A and other blackmailers don’t reveal their identities to their victims!

Aria’s lame attempt at extortion failed miserably, because Jackie chose to retaliate back!

Jackie: I’m not leaving Hollis, but you are leaving Ezra. And if you mention this conversation or my research material to anyone, I suppose Ezra is young enough to start over again somewhere else…but the fallout of his student-teacher affair has got to be a bitch. I don’t want to hurt him, but I will if I have to.

(I love how she referred to her plagiarism as ‘research material’)

Aria is like O_O WTF @ THIS POWER SHIFT!? I HAVE EVIDENCE TO RUIN YOUR ENTIRE CAREER AND YET YOU’RE THE ONE THREATENING ME??? And Jackie is like WELCOME TO THE BIG GIRLS LEAGUE, KIDDO.

Jackie: You and I are similar, Aria. I guess that means Ezra has a type. (Yeah, if he likes stupid brunettes who makes irrational decisions.) BTW cute dress!!!

I kinda love Jackie though, even if she’s a plagiarizing dumbass. She has just the right amount of evil and bitchy for this show.

Ella apologizes for being such a shitty mother who wants her children to lie for her. You can tell Mama Montgomery is obviously trying to fish for compliments to reaffirm her parenting skills. However, Aria is kinda like: “O YA MOM, I UNDERSTAND. YOU GET IT WRONG *A LOT*.” And she says nothing else to cheer up her mother or her low self-esteem issues. Oh Aria. *lol*

Spencer’s instructions were to “keep Toby safe”, which she somehow misconstrued as “I must break up with you Toby, so that my character is available to a new love interest in the future. Goodbye sweet prince. I will miss making out on your washboard abs the most.”

OKAY WHAT THE FUCK SPENCER. Aren’t you bending A’s instructions just a little!? I don’t believe A said anything about dumping your current boyfriend and then make out with another guy merely hours afterwards!!!

As much as Toby is my favourite male character on the show, I’m a fan of Wren’s accent and his beaming white smile. Besides making his rounds through all the Hastings women (Veronica is his next conquest), Wren is also a quirky character with his antique cars and manly handkerchiefs like he’s stuck living in a few decades ago. I look forward to all the drama that the pedodoc will bring to the second half of the season.

Caleb didn’t do much in this episode other than act as Hanna’s arm candy, but his cameo is totally worth it for his priceless exchange with that fembot Kate:

Kate: *flirty eyes* That’s a very handsome suit.
Caleb: And that’s a very pretty dress. But you should know it gives you back fat.

ZING!

Unfortunately for Hanna, the wedding is officially underway and she still hasn’t made any progress with her impossible task. A reminds her that Dr. Sullivan is about to die, die, die!

Just before Tom and Isabel exchange vows to each other, Hanna blurts out the truth.

Hanna: My whore of a dad cheated on you and hooked up with my mom six weeks ago. And ‘hooked up’ means they had such loud raunchy sex that Emily & I could hear them through the bedroom walls.
Isabel: I know what ‘hooked up’ means! *bitchglare*

Papa Marin is furious at his babble mouth daughter, who couldn’t have picked a worse time and place to sabotage his wedding day. But ultimately, it’s his fault that he slept around with his ex-wife while engaged to another woman, so I don’t have any sympathy for him much like Jackie’s predicament. Tom got what he deserved.

Emily needn’t worry that she got a week of reprieve from A, because it turns out A didn’t leave out his/her favourite torture subject after all. On her way to the wedding, Emily’s doll suddenly appears with a message: “I’m taking you to her. Go alone.”

Emily arrives at this empty barn in hopes of finding Dr. Sullivan…

…instead, she gets trapped inside with an ignited car. No doors, no windows, and no means of escape!

SAY HELLO AND GOODBYE TO CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, EMILY, MWHAHAHA!

On the verge of death, Emily starts having these lezzy hallucinations featuring Alison. You know this is a fantasy, not because they use soft lighting and shallow focus in the scene, but only in a fantastical dream would Alison actually say something nice to another human being.

Alison: Sweet Emily, I never told you this, but you were always my favourite.

In her hallucination, Emily pretends to be Sleeping Beauty, while her princess in shining earrings gives her a romantic kiss.

The other girls find Emily lying unconsciously on the ground outside the barn. When Emily wakes up, she has an expression that says: UGH. I WENT FROM SWAPPING SPIT WITH ALISON TO SEEING YOU BITCHES. TOTAL DOWNGRADE.

It almost seems like A kept his/her end of the bargain, because there’s a message on this mysterious shovel, indicating the coordinates where Dr. Sullivan is still buried alive!!!

The girls are frantically digging up someone whom they believe to be Dr. Sullivan, but it was a set-up all along because she isn’t buried under there!

Instead, A has called the police on the four pretty little liars. They’re being arrested! Again!

Mama Hastings tells the girls that the police found some strong incriminating evidence against them involving Alison’s murder. That, along with a failed TV gig, is the reason why Detective Wilden is back as the lead investigator on the show.

It turns out Alison had been murdered with a shovel. Since the girls are now linked to a key murder weapon, this definitely draws police suspicion upon the four of them.

Wilden: When Alison DiLaurentis was murdered, she was hit so hard it made an indentation in her skull. *dramatic pause* I’ve given you so many times to just be honest with me. Evidence doesn’t lie. We’ve known all along what the murder weapon was. Tonight, we caught you with it.

omglol what a rehearsed speech! Someone has been watching too many cheesy crime procedurals in between the seasons.

All the family members are gathered in the police office, but Jason decides to make an appearance as well. He’s like, “Check out mah new highlights! I went to the same hairstylist as Caleb in California!”

Peter: What the hell are you doing here!? You need to stay away from this!
Jason: I think my sister would want me here.

This shouldn’t really be a surprise since the obvious storyline is obvious from the start, but I think the exchange confirms that Papa Hastings is Jason’s baby daddy, which means Jason is also Spencer’s half-brother! DRAMA~~~

And Mama Hastings doesn’t know one iota about their relationship yet, which probably means she’ll find out very soon! MOAR DRAMA~~~

Jason’s inappropriate appearance is topped by Ezra, who is here to provide moral support for Aria. However, Mama Montgomery is like “STOP RIGHT THERE PEDOFITZ. GURL, U NEED TO CHECK YOSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOSELF.”

Ezra: I’m in love with her!
Ella: I’m gonna give you once chance to walk away from this. Not because you deserve it, but because this is the last thing we need to deal with right now. And when you go, you need to keep going. Because if Spencer’s parents find out about this, they’ll ruin you.

Ezra: …lolwut? Spencer’s parents? You must’ve mistaken me for that other jailbait chaser Wren. Lady, I’m boning *your* daughter!

We get another Garrett/Jenna convo that’s still very ambiguous, but at least the pedocop admits to destroying all physical documents regarding Alison’s cause of death. They also rejoice that the other girls are getting framed for Alison’s murder, while the two of them are getting away with it!!!

Since there’s nothing linking them to *that* night anymore, Garrett is gonna give up his career in law enforcement. He’s like, “I can’t wait to strip off this ridiculous police uniform, heyhey!”

And Jenna is like, “She deserved to die like that! *cackles*” Garrett responds with a o_O expression, but he also seems a bit turned on by her extreme callousness.

The episode ends with Dr. Sullivan still alive, but we learn that she hadn’t been abducted. The greedy bitch was just paid off with shitloads of money to not disclose the truth about A! Maybe she was blackmailed by A to keep her mouth shut!

And then Marlene the waitress (not to be confused with Marlene the showrunner) heads over towards A’s table to pour him/her a cup of coffee.

Waitress: How are you doin’ tonight, pretty eyes? You want a piece of pie?

THE DEVIL HAS *PRETTY* EYES ZOMG. :O :O :O

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13 Responses

  1. Default avatar Anonymous September 3rd, 2011 / Saturday

    DUDE THIS IS HILARIOUS, I LOVE YOU.

    • Default avatar Samuel February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      ^ seconded.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Thank you both! I LOVE YOU TOO.

  2. Default avatar MareksGregs September 3rd, 2011 / Saturday

    This is awesome, I'm glad I found this. haha.
    -bookmarks-

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      TY! Make sure you catch the recap for the Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars too! :)

  3. Default avatar Anonymous September 4th, 2011 / Sunday

    HAHAHAHAA U R FUNNNEEEYYY!

  4. Default avatar Anonymous September 9th, 2011 / Friday

    I love your recaps almost as much as I love/hate this show!!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Heheh. Yeah, I get the love-to-hate feeling with Pretty Little Liars too. The show is just so frustrating sometimes.

  5. Default avatar Anonymous September 19th, 2011 / Monday

    Great as usual! You should try to write recaps for Make it or Break it!

    Y.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I actually have not watched a single episode of Make It or Break It. I keep thinking that show is going to get cancelled so I won't get attached, but now it just got renewed for another season. Shows what I know. *lol* Maybe I'll catch up to the show before the third season.

  6. Default avatar Anonymous January 12th, 2012 / Thursday

    thanks for those it was pretty average joe though ;)

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