Season 1, Jane By Design Recap – Farewell Jane Quimby

MEET JANE QUIMBY, an agent of fashion, love and justice! Will Jane get to keep her job and still find love with the boy of her dreams? (Spoiler alert: Nope.)

There once was a cute little show about a teenage girl putting on pretty pink dresses while bubblegum pop songs play cheerfully in the background. It wasn’t the most intelligent show. It wasn’t the most interesting show. But it was pleasant and charming and delightful to watch. AND THEN ABC FAMILY SHOT THE CANCELLATION BULLET STRAIGHT INTO THIS MAGICAL UNICORN’S FACE.

~*omg travesty*~ Can you believe they cancelled Jane By Design over Joey and Melissa and bitchy ballerinas and that skinny hairless twink with the baby? If ABC Family is willing to lower the standards in their network for those three crap shows, then surely they can make room to squeeze in a fourth one? So unfair. *sobbing*

I’m not the only one mourning over the loss of the show. Dear ABC Family executives, how can you sleep at night when a million tween girls are now weeping around the world because they can no longer watch Jane Quimby fulfill her aspirations in the fashion industry!? (…altho that number might be closer to ~10 tween girls posting .gifs on Tumblr if the ratings were any indication. *lol*) I can’t say I’m surprised at the cancellation, but it’s still disappointing. Another season would have been so fabulous to watch. =(

Unlike those cruel warlocks at the dream crushing network, I will stand by this show and recap the second half of Jane By Design anyway. You can always count on Recap Everything to cover shows with no critical buzz and no fan base!

Previously on Jane By Design, Billy came to a sudden realization (aided by the magic of cliffhanger endings) that he was in love with his best friend all along!

Billy: IT’S YOU JANEY. I CHOOSE YOUUUUU.

Of course, any intelligent person would understand the meaning behind those words, but we must remember that our heroine is an emotionally challenged teenage girl who has more shoes than she has brain cells, so Jane pretends that she’s totes confused about what Billy said to her.

Then he gets thrown into juvie for a couple of months and they never had the chance to ~*clear the air*~ until this episode. Unfortunately, Billy is now backtracking big time since the writers want to drag out this romance as if there’s enough time for a second season, so he insists that he meant IT’S YOU in the most platonic way possible.

Billy: It’s you, Janey…… I meant, you are my best friend.

Jane was like YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT EXCUSE and then rabidly made out with her best friend on the bed! Oh wait, that never happened because Jane & Billy just stayed in perpetual friend zone hell forever before the show got cancelled. ^_^ That’s what you get for dragging the main romance in circles and moving forward at a snail’s pace.

Afterwards, the show thinks the only way to write their Unresolved Sexual Tension is to make Billy as much of a moody fucker as possible. He’d get pissed off at Jane over the dumbest things, but refuses to talk about the issue with her.

Jane: Billy, is something wrong?
Billy: OMG THERE’S NOTHING WRONG. STOP ASKING ME. I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE. WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS. *stomps away*
Jane: …..wut? o.o

It was actually infuriating to watch his PMSing rampage. I dunno what they did with his character in between the hiatus, but it seems like Billy went to the juvenile hall of dickwads and became a grumpy little turd as a result.

In the next episode, Jane was genuinely looking forward to a movie night with her best friend, except Billy throws a major hissy fit and gets all GO WATCH IT BY YOURSELF YOU DUMB SLUNT *sticks tongue out*. The reason why he’s upset is because Jane took a picture with a celebrity, which makes him feel insecure because she’s so *popular* and he’s so *not*.

Billy: I’m talking about me, going alone, to the movie tonight.
Jane: *sighs* Why are you being this way, Billy?
Billy: I’m not being any way! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! *stomps away*

OMFG. Get over it, you big baby! There’s a difference between a brooding emo and just an outright prick. Fifty shades of envious green does NOT look good on ya, Billy!

Besides, Billy was severely overreacting about Jane’s newfound fame just because she was sloppily photoshopped into a trashy tabloid blog. LMAO @ Perez Hilton using a Time News Roman font in his blog posts. How very trendy of him. ^_^

1.) First of all, Dlisted > Perez from beginning to the end of time. Facts are facts.

2.) Um, Perez Hilton stopped being relevant to pop culture years ago.

3.) I’m kinda surprised that Perez didn’t draw some jizz stains on the pictures. Isn’t that his M.O.? Or is he too busy outing gay celebrities and posting pictures of vag shots instead? Okay, I actually liked him better back when he did all 3 of those things. [/bad person confession]

Meanwhile, Jane doesn’t screw up at work for once in her life. Since there’s a promotion up for grabs, she proved to be very competent at SUCKING UP and KISSING ASS in order to land that dream job as a fashion designer. Obviously this never happens, since the show doesn’t have the balls to make their teenage protagonist quit school and work full-time. Can you imagine the parental outrage if all those impressionable tween girls go like “ya i’m quitting skool too b/c jane is my role model in lyfe~ :D”!?

Jane graciously turns down the job offer in front of the whole company because she’s not ready for the new responsibilities… except she makes an ass out of herself since she never actually got the job in the first place! *lolpwnt*

In a disgusting display of nepotism, it turns out that Jane’s boss gave the vacant job position to her nephew instead. He seems like one of those fresh-faced college grads who just realized his overpriced arts degree is useless in the real world, so his parents have to beg every living relative to give their son a legit job at their company.

Eli: I don’t have any formal training or credentials in the fashion industry. ^_^
Gray: YOU ARE HIRED!!!

Welcome to the corporate world, Jane. It’s all about having close relatives who work in the right jobs to abuse their authority.

Gray’s nephew is a new character named Eli, who can be best described as an unnecessary addition to the show. He’s yet another very young and very heterosexual fashion designer with the hots for Jane. This dude is hailed as some kind of fashion prodigy, but I am not impressed and have not seen any evidence of his so-called talent. It doesn’t help that he spends nearly every scene *flirting* with Jane when he really should be *working* instead. But oh, I’m sure his auntie will take good care of his job performance evaluation when the time comes, even though Eli’s working-to-flirting ratio is approximately zero.

Eli is a smug little shit who once called Jeremy “stuffy” just because he wears a suit to work. Um, as opposed to you who’s dressed like some collegiate artsy-fartsy patsy attending a poetry slam at the local pub? *rolls eyes* Everyone else in the company is dressed up to the nines, and then we have Eli who thinks it’s acceptable to show up to work wearing whatever’s left in the laundry basket. Little boy, you are an employee starting a brand new job at a professional workplace, so the least you can do is put on a tie and pretend to look presentable.

Eli is basically Jeremy 2.0 minus the accent, and his character was introduced to redo the workplace romance that had failed spectacularly in the first half of the season. I think the showrunners sensed that Jane is an immature teen girl still in puberty, while Jeremy is a much older dude at the start of a midlife crisis, so pairing them together is as uncomfortable as watching Jane get hit on by her father figure. *ick*

Anyway, I’m super relieved the two of them became just friends. I was never a fan of their icky romantic subplot and just wished the show would drop the whole age-inappropriate jailbait relationships altogether. :\

Jane has been kind of a busy ho with 4 different love interests in less than a dozen of episodes, but at least we can cross her ex-boyfriend Nick out of contention. I love that the show did a major spring cleaning in between the hiatus and wiped the slate clean, as if we can pretend that the past ten episodes of romantic entanglements never happened. Jeremy who? Nick who?

Nick: Jane, I’m so sorry that I acted out-of-character and cheated on you for no reason earlier in the season. Forgive me and get back together with me?
Jane: *squinty eyes* I’m trying really hard, but I have no recollection of who you are. Anyway, I gotta go, I have a new love interest that I have to flirt with, kthxbye~

Aw poor Billy, I feel so bad for him since Jane is such a hoor, right? WRONG. As soon as his *nomance* with Janey didn’t work out, he got over his heartbreak by hooking up with the next available pair of legs introduced to the show. Jane who? Lulu who?

Meet Zoe! She’s a new transfer student who started an instant whirlwind romance with Billy and they were already making out within two episodes. Zoe is BLATANTLY Lulu 2.0, except the writers tried their hardest to make her a likable character and avoid all the same mistakes they made with Billy’s first girlfriend. I mean, they really did try to give Zoe a chance before all the fans started hating her because she got in the way of the Jane & Billy endgame. Despite their best efforts, the hate bandwagon was always bound to be ~*inevitable*~.

Here’s what you need to know about Zoe’s character:

1.) At first, I really liked what Zoe brought to the table. I thought her hair was GORGEOUS and her jacket was BADASS and she was actually better dressed than Jane in every scene. Also, she did that weirdly romantic palm reading thing with Billy, and I thought: “Oh, she’s so quirky and cool! I love her already!”

Zoe: Here, take my hand. Now tell me what you’ve observed. Just a fact. It can be any random fact you’ve noticed.
Billy: Uhh, this is weird. *laughs* Okay, okay. Umm… Your fingers are extremely cold.
Zoe: What else?
Billy: Hmm, you have unusually tiny knuckles.

Zoe: Now make two statements about me. One based on what you’ve observed and the other just on instinct.
Billy: You like to do cartwheels. Annnnd you’re nervous to be at a new school because you think no one can relate. *gazes into her eyes*

Awwww! Someone hold my hands and list out a number of random facts about me too! (“You have unusually sweaty knuckles…”) That was some weird kinky shit they did with their hands, but it totally worked for me. I thought their scene was sweet and adorable and what a fantastic way to introduce Zoe’s character if the show must insist on a love triangle… :)

AND THEN IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL FROM THERE. *dun dun dun*

2.) When Lulu saw Billy & Zoe together at a party, it ENRAGED her so much that she stomped right up to the couple and started vomiting venom all over her ex-boyfriend.

Lulu: Hi! Just so you know, whoever you are, this little thing here with Billy, it isn’t going to work out. Sorry to disappoint you.
Billy: Lulu, stop!
Lulu: No matter what he says to you, you should know that he’s in love with his best friend. And that’s NEVER gonna change. *smirks* Good luck.

Oh Lulu, don’t be one of THOSE girls. In fact, I was kinda amazed she had enough self-restraint not to grab a drink and throw it in Billy’s face, before snapping her fingers in the air and sashaying her way out the exit.

It was kinda hilarious that Lulu’s character faded into oblivion during the second half of the season. The actress must have demanded to end her contract early since she got downgraded from being *supporting character* and *primary love rival* into this comic relief joke character who occasionally says bitchy things.

Lulu also had one of the most unceremonious break-ups with Nick that lasted all of five seconds. She suddenly decided that she couldn’t stand his boring vanilla ass, and then he was like KBYEBITCH. And that was that. Lulu made one more random (contractual?) cameo in the next episode, and then she was never to be seen on the show again~ Her character was essentially useless anyway, so not a big loss.

3.) So, Zoe is actually wealthy and her family is motherfucking loaded. For some reason though, this lying ho pretended that she was *really poor* and lived inside a *shack* because that’d be more of a turn-on for Billy? IDK, the whole storyline was just really BIZARRE. Zoe would tell her boyfriend to drop her off in front her house, but then she’d secretly walk back to the mansion a few blocks away where she actually lived, and all the while I was like GURL YOU ARE NOT CINDERELLA, NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF DIS FAUX CHARADE.

#richpeopleproblems, am I right? I don’t know what Zoe was trying to accomplish here, but Billy followed her home once and assumed she was breaking into a mansion and robbing the place. *lol* And then Zoe was like “so yeah, i actually live here? teehee don’t be mad~” I think that’s when Billy discovered his girlfriend might be more loony than quirky, but she’s also filthy hot and filthy rich, so he can put up with a lot of shenanigans from her crazy ass.

4.) Zoe invites Billy to her house and reveals that she has two dads. It was the most random LGBT representation ever, considering how these dudes are never addressed on the show again. The whole scene went like this: Zoe opens the door, says something to her boyfriend along the lines of “omg there’s so much you don’t know about me ;)” and then these two extras were told to return their pastel pink clothing to the wardrobe department and never come back on the set again.

P.S. I just think it’s super hilarious there are MORE gay people in Zoe’s family than the fashion company that Jane works at. It’s like Jane By Design acknowledges that gay people do exist, but just not in the fashion industry, oh no siree! *lmao*

5.) Trouble started brewing when Zoe gets the lead role in the school’s drama production, and she plays Cinderella opposite of Nick’s Prince Charming. Billy immediately gets his panties tied up in a twist, and he accuses the two of them of being DIRTY CHEATERS and THEY TRULY DESERVE EACH OTHER *stomps away*. Except nothing happened between them, so Billy ends up looking like a jealous paranoid twat who makes an ass out of himself.

I think it’s awesome that Nick’s new role in the show is being that guy who steals other people’s girlfriends. *lol* What makes it funnier is that his character has zero charisma and actually sucks the chemistry out of whichever female romantic partner they pair him with. It’s pretty awful to compare him to a block of wood, but that’s what he kinda is to this show.

Also, Nick has this super dark storyline that came out of nowhere, because he broke his arm and there’s a possibility that he could never play baseball for the rest of his life. I know this shouldn’t be funny at all, but it kinda is because: a.) This was actually one of the most serious storylines for a show that often features Jane running around in high heels and putting on different dresses & b.) With that said, they completely gloss over Nick’s emotional trauma and gave him zero room for development. I think he was allowed to say one line of dialogue like: “I’m feeling kinda bummed out…” and that was the extent of insight that we got from his character.

6.) Anyway, Nick has to quit the school play because it jeopardized his bromance with Billy or whatever. And then Zoe got all jealous because how come she can’t be *platonic friends* with Nick when Billy gets to be all *platonic friends* with Jane. OH FFS WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GO THERE. I’m sorry, but we just fucking covered this territory with Lulu in the first half of the season, and now we have to repeat the exact same angle with Zoe again. Please don’t do the jealous girlfriend thing, oh please god no. DO NOT WANT!!!

Needless to say, Zoe and Jane secretly hate each other’s guts. It’s kinda funny because Jane keeps on insisting that she *really* likes Zoe, but all signs indicate that she *really* doesn’t. They keep their distance from each other for a while, but things heat up between these two bitches in the last few episodes. First Zoe stole her man, and then Zoe stole her dress, and you can begin to feel the tension ~*escalating*~ between these girls.

…except Jane is a giant pussy who will never confront Zoe face-to-face, so she just resorts to pouting and sulking at the end of each scene. Well, considering the series ended with Zoe and Billy still happily together, I’d say Jane got what she deserved for being too passive.

Okay, so let’s take a break from these tedious romantic subplots (like, you wouldn’t be mistaken if you thought 95% of the show revolves around *relationships*). We shall focus on the corporate espionage side of things instead!

The formerly disgraced India returns as a ~*major business client*~ who will work closely with Jane’s company on some fashion crap, which is just another excuse to keep her character in proximity to the ensemble cast. It’s kinda funny though that she spends roughly the same amount of time at this company even after her ass got fired. Gotta love Jane By Design at keeping the plot stagnant and milking all that they could out of the status quo.

In case you forgot that India was a massive conniving bitch, she becomes even more of an antagonistic villainess in this set of episodes. Hooray for zero character development!

Okay, that’s not true. Before, India did all those evil things just because she wanted to be a rotten human being (which lolftw). But now she has a *valid* reason to be a raging bitch towards Jane & Gray, which adds depth to her character motivations, and the whole SCORNED WOMAN!!! persona makes India more compelling to watch.

India: You don’t get it. We’re just interchangeable pieces in Gray’s climb to the top. You don’t want what happened to me to happen to you. Humiliated. Disgraced. I never felt so small.

India: I’m here for Gray. I’m going to ruin her. And I won’t stop until she is out on the street with Jane there right beside her. I want them to crawl.

PMSL. So vengeful! I was half expecting thunder to crack and roar in the skies after India said that. Man oh man, she does evil so well. I can taste the bitterness oozing out of her character and it is scrumptious! :D

Best of all, India discovered that Jeremy was the MOLE who betrayed the company, which caused her wrongful job termination. Now the bitch wants her revenge and she’s gonna blackmail Jeremy to get his hands dirty for her!

Hilariously enough, Jeremy’s reaction to her threat is… immediately dropping trou and whoring himself to India without breaking a sweat. He didn’t even put up a fight. The dude was like “Welp, it’s not as if I had any dignity to lose in the first place! Might as well just surrender and sleep with the enemy!”

India: Did you kiss me because you wanted to? Or Gray told you to keep me close?
Jeremy: Does it matter?
India: Not really.

JEREMY IS SUCH A SLIMY WEASEL AND I LOVE IT. Confession: I actually warmed to his character so much during the second half of the season. I never liked this sleazebag at the start, just because he felt so contrived and insincere, but everything that I hated about him just seemed to click all of a sudden. Being a ~*corporate spy*~ was the perfect role for him, and the show managed to create such a nuanced character due to his complex circumstances.

Nuances!? Complexity!? In a fluffy trite show like Jane By Design!? I KNOW RIGHT!? I was shocked too, I never expected those words to be used together in a sentence without any irony, but it’s true. It was about time they took a page out of Ugly Betty’s playbook and figured out how to add some dimensions to their campy little characters.

Jeremy tries to be good, but he’s forced to be bad, and his personal ethical struggle was a great driving force for the story. Or at least for one episode. If I had any complaints, it’s that I think the show should have fleshed out this storyline even more and extended the drama into a longer arc throughout the season. Just when things were about to get interesting, they cut it short for a subplot about Eli going on a fake date with Jane on her birthday. Ew no thanks. =(

It was delicious to watch India bully Jeremy around the office. She ordered him to hack into Gray’s computer, and he goes all like NO MEANS NO U EVIL BITCH, but then she’d lord the blackmail over his head and he’s reluctantly forced to be her accomplice in crime.

India: First you need the password to her computer. Two options there. You can either get it from Gray. Or the only other person who knows it…
Jeremy: …Jane.
India: Isn’t this fun!?
Jeremy; I don’t want to do this.
India: That’s why it’s fun! Get to work!
Jeremy: mylifesux D: D: D:

At the same time, Gray also commands Jeremy to SLEEP WITH INDIA in order to get useful information out of her. *lmao* Uh, I’m pretty sure that asking your employee to seduce somebody breaks every rule in the HR handbook? Doesn’t make it any less hilarious though.

Gray: While I find your transgressions to be vile, and in some states illegal, but I’m beginning to think this could do us some good. I want you to smooth things over with India, get close to her, find out what she’s up to.
Jeremy: *incredulous* Are you asking me to…?
Gray: I’m saying…DO what you need to DO. *eyebrow*
Jeremy: mylifesux D: D: D:

It was pure awesome watching these two head bitches use Jeremy as a pawn in their mind games against each other. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. During Jane’s birthday party, Jeremy gets so intoxicated that he finally cracks under the pressure.

Jeremy: What’s the matter, India? Are you gonna blackmail me some more? I am tired of your threats. Do it! Go get Gray! Let’s get this over with. I’m ready to confess. Go get her, India! GO. GET. GRAY.

BALLS YEAH~~~ I love Jeremy calling India’s bluff and then scoffing when he realizes she’s full of shit. The best villains always are.

Afterwards, Jeremy tells everything to Jane in one drunken and slurred confession. The next day, he tries to do damage control, but Jane already made up her mind on being some snooty whistleblower. She threatens to tell Gray unless Jeremy comes clean about himself. This is Jane’s thought process: “It’s not enough that I caused one person to lose her job. Let’s get a second one fired, hooray!”

Also, how brilliant was this following exchange?

Jane: What am I going to do about work? I have no idea how to handle this!
Billy: Yeah, I’d be more concerned about running into India. Aren’t you the one who got her sacked?
Jane: Yes, but in my defence, she looked really, really guilty.
Billy: But she really, really wasn’t.
Jane: You’re missing the point here! Jeremy bad, me good! Ugh, what am I doing? I’m a teenager, this is crazy, I shouldn’t be dealing with corporate espionage, I should be choosing my filter on Instagram!

…and then Jeremy just ran away with literally all of the fashion designs!? *lmao*

It was an epic scumbag move that left the whole company in complete disarray while screwing everyone in the process, so you go Jeremy! I just love how Jane thought she was such a ~*moral crusader*~ by being all IF YOU DON’T TELL GRAY, I WILL!!! And then Jeremy was just like OKAY YOU DO JUST THAT. *buys plane ticket out of the country*

Whoops, I didn’t intend to make this show’s recap all about Jeremy By Design. Let’s change topics and talk about somebody else instead. SUCH AS TERI HATCHER. ~*woot woot*~

So, Hatcher arrives on the show and everyone is *amazed* that a legitimate actress would slum it down at the level of an ABC Family drama. (I guess taking this gig would be the equivalent of a lawyer doing a pro bono case.) Anyway, this former desperate housewife plays Jane & Ben’s runaway mother, Kate Quimby. Y’know, the one who abandoned the kids for 8+ years and forced Ben to give up his college scholarship because he has to take care of his little sister. Yeah, that mother. Now she’s back for a multi-episode guest arc, so deal with it~~~

Here’s what you need to know about Kate’s character:

1.) At first, Ben was being a little snot to his mother. But to be fair, he must have years of parental abandonment quips saved up inside him, and I don’t blame him for his hostility.

Billy: Hey, Mrs. Quimby!
Kate: Aw Billy, please, call me Kate. Mrs. Quimby sounds like somebody’s mother!
Ben: And we wouldn’t want anyone to get that impression, would we???
Billy: *slinks away after realizing that he triggered a landmine*

2.) Kate Quimby is actually a hilarious busted hag who constantly does reckless things based on an impulsive whim. What, Jane has an important fashion show where she needs to impress a client? YAY LET ME CRASH THE PARTY AND SHOW MY ARMPITS ON TOP OF A PIANO~ What, Jane is talking to the cute guy whom she has a crush on? HAY GURL LEMME DROP A ZILLION SEXUAL INNUENDOS UP IN THIS BITCH~ What, my children actually need me to become a stable responsible mother figure? …*crickets* *crickets* *opens door and follows Jeremy to the airport*

3.) Mama Quimby gave a speech that’s uncharacteristically heartfelt for this show. Remember, this is the same show that gave us “IT’S YOU JANEY~” so I’m not used to such long-winded eloquence from Jane By Design. Did they borrow one of the writers from Switched at Birth to put together this dialogue? This is more their style.

Kate: You asked me tonight why I left. I could tell you it was because I was too young to be a mom. I felt overwhelmed. Your father was a better parent than I was. I could go on and on about all that, but there’s no excuse for what I did. So, if it’s okay, I would rather talk about why I’m back. All I want to do is get to know you. Both of you. Listen, I’m the first to admit I’m never gonna win a Mother of the Year award, but I promise you, I swear, if you give me this opportunity, I will not let you down. We’ll start fresh! And if I do it right, someday when you call me mom, it will feel earned.

This scene might possibly be the only genuine emotional moment in the entire series. However, you can tell that Jane’s actress had been practicing a lot in front of the mirror, since she turned in a pretty good teary-eyed performance. Out of everyone, I think Erica Dasher should be the most devastated about this show’s cancellation, because it was such a great vehicle for her career. Maybe she’ll get another show, maybe not. So good job to everyone who didn’t watch Jane By Design and led to its cancellation, you dashed an actress’ promising climb into Hollywood just when it was picking up steam~~~ ;_; ;_; ;_;

4.) Of course, they immediately undermined that beautiful speech two episodes later when Teri Hatcher’s contract ran out and she has to be written out of the show. *lmao* Part of me feels like they should have picked a lesser known actress who’s willing to stay on the show for the long-term, because I don’t envy the writers who worked so hard to redeem Mama Quimby’s character, only for her to abandon her children AGAIN in a later episode. Like, how do you even write yourself out of this mess???

Her exit scene was the most ridiculous disaster ever. Some random guy arrives and proposes to Kate, and then she says something like I HAVE TO MARRY HIM BECAUSE I CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM MY RESPONSIBILITIES FOREVER …all the while, she’s running away from her family again just so she can start a new one with another man. And if this guy loved her so much, maybe he should have been willing to stay and get to know Kate’s children instead of eloping halfway across the country?

Jane: Does that mean you’re leaving?
Kate: If I worked this out with Dakota, if I finally grow up, I think in the end I can be a better mother to you. But I have to go to him now to make that happen.

JFC, that’s a lot of *ifs* for somebody who just promised to be a better mother to her children (especially since the BIG IF in question is “…if this show gets renewed for a 2nd season”). And what kind of messed up logic is I MUST ABANDON YOU = I CAN BECOME A BETTER MOM??? How is this even a justifiable defense!? Oh my god, this woman is such a horrible mother! And of course she didn’t even bother to say goodbye to Ben before she left. *rolls eyes* Don’t let the door hit you on yer way out, beeeeyotch.

Remember how Ben and Rita Shaw hooked up in the first half of the season and shared the cutest romantic tension ever? Unfortunately, the show has such a strong aversion to happy steady couples that stay together for longer than 2 episodes, so they immediately break up because Ben was too adorable or too affectionate to Rita or whatever. And then a new drama teacher ho is thrown into the mix and we suddenly have an ongoing love triangle subplot that just dragggged on for multiple episodes.

I think the storyline looked good on paper and I understand what the writers were trying to accomplish. Introduce some conflict, play it up for laughs, and what’s more fun than watching two bitches use underhanded tactics to fight over a guy?

Here’s the problem: a.) It was SO idiotic, even for the low standards of this show. Rita was supposed to be this intelligent & rational character, so why is she so dumbed down all of a sudden? b.) It also turned Rita into such an unlikable HOT MESS omg. She was the one who broke up with Ben, but now she wants him back, but she refuses to simply talk with him like two mature adults, so let’s pour hot sauce into this bitch’s drink instead! Like wut. I just couldn’t get behind her actions. They were not cute x not fun x not endearing to watch.

In the end, Rita Shaw forgets all the stupid neurotic crap that she has been doing for comic relief and marches out in public to plant a big smacker on Ben. Oh goody, it took them eight episodes to drag a relationship through the mud just for the couple to be at the same point as they were at the beginning. *slow clap* Bravo, Jane By Design. Never forward, only in circles.

Despite everything, Ben still remained as adorable as ever. ^_^ Just flexing his biceps, pumping his balls, bending his body, and doing all sorts of goofy things in the background. Never change, Ben Quimby, I will miss you most of all.

BTW Ben had a storyline where he was offered to play baseball in the minor leagues. They made such a big deal about him getting a second chance and fulfilling his life’s dreams. He was gone for precisely one episode, and then he came back being like: “life dream fulfilled~ let’s go back to status quo again~ :)”

JANE QUIMBY IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD, WOOOO!!! First Paris, now London. I have no idea how Jane By Design can afford to send their crew on TWO overseas trips, especially since no other show in ABC Family gets this kind of leisurely treatment. I hope this isn’t one of the reasons why they decided to can the show, but it probably is. The network executives must have thought: “Hmm, why send Erica Dasher on two free vacations every season when we could cut costs and make Jean-Luc Bilodeau change a baby’s diapers in a studio set instead? Keep Baby Daddy, cancel Jane By Design!”

I love how on-the-nose they are with the set design. Just stick a bajillion national flags around the pub to emphasize that Jane is NOT! IN! AMERICA! anymore. Hmm, do you think that the viewers got the message? Maybe we should insert a few more flags here and there just in case.

Anyway, Jane travels all the way to London to beg her friend Jeremy to return all the designs that he stole from the company. And he was like NOPE! SO OVER IT! (Jeremy is working as a bartender in his uncle’s pub, by the way. ~lmao~ how the mighty has fallen.) What Jane should have done was threaten Jeremy’s ass with a lawsuit for intellectual property theft, so he best cooperate unless he wants to spend Season 2 in a courtroom and behind prison bars.

But then, Jeremy changes his mind about helping Jane for no other reason than the simple fact that it’s the last episode of the season and the show needs to resolve this plot ASAP. In the end, the day gets saved and the company isn’t in ruins and Jane Quimby rescues the fashion industry while wearing a cute little dress once again. HOORAY! If this all feels very familiar, that’s because it had been the exact same repetitive plot for the past 18 episodes, but hey at least there’s a change of scenery this time!

As a reward for her hard work, Jane is given a monetary bonus of ~*FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS*~, which is a measly amount of money relative to the millions of dollars that Jane just saved for the company. But $5000 is still a large number in the context of the show, considering it’s probably a larger paycheque than what any of these penniless actors are getting out of this show IRL.

Jane wastes the five thousand dollars by donating it to the drama club instead of using the money practically and buying a car for herself. An even smarter investment would be saving this money to put herself through fashion school so that she can pursue her dream as a designer, but Jane decided the money is better spent on costumes that will be worn once and never again in a high school play. Okay then~

India finally got her old job back, but the bitch was STILL banging on about getting her revenge and taking down Gray. *lol* Well, if it makes India feel any better, Gray’s actress signed onto another TV project before JBD even got cancelled, so they probably would have to *assassinate* her character had the show gotten a second season.

Jeremy has other plans though. He’s gonna start his own fashion label instead of working under somebody else. India pulled a Jerry Maguire and offered to join his new business venture, but Jeremy immediately declined on the spot. Ouch! He didn’t even soften the blow! *lolpwnt* They make out afterwards and pretend everything is okay, but you just KNOW India is secretly plotting his downfall after pulling that stunt. Watch yer back, Jeremy!

Jane goes on a rather underwhelming first date with Eli, which involves hiding beneath a table, getting undressed in a washroom stall (HEY-HEY), and kissing next to a hot dog stand. Wow, it doesn’t get any more romantic than that. I think Eli might be slightly exaggerating when he claimed this was the “best first date” he ever had. Or I bet he says it to all the girls.

P.S. Remember how Jane kept turning down these romantic dates with Jeremy in the first half of the season? I guess she must have just hated that guy’s guts, because she had absolutely no reservations about dating Eli. So what if she is an underage piece of jailbait in a misleading romance with an adult man? Who cares, right!?

Jane’s date also involves pouring wine all over NINA GARCIA, FASHION DIRECTOR OF MARIE CLAIRE MAGAZINE. I didn’t type that in capitals because it’s any sort of important distinction, but because you can’t say Nina Garcia’s name unless you follow it with FASHIONDIRECTOROFMARIECLAIRE and a polite round of applause. It’s like you can’t address Michael Kors unless you also say CFDA LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD WINNER in the same breath.

(I’ll never get to make another Project Runway joke again now that Jane By Design got cancelled, leave me alone~)

AND THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENED!!!

PMSL. I can’t help but laugh. For some inexplicable reason, Eli ends up in bed with India after they talked about their ~*feelings*~ with each other. Oh come on! Is there something about kissing Jane that gives all of her romantic interests a compulsive need to hook up with another woman behind her back!? Because it’s happening to her…AGAIN!!!

The first time they pulled this stunt with Nick and Lulu, it was a character assassination moment that made no sense. The second time they did this with India and Eli, it just feels like a cruel recurring joke on Jane. That poor girl. Why are men such assholes? =(

After Jane ended another romantic subplot with yet another cheater, she finally decides that Billy is her soulmate and they are the show’s OTP. Except Billy confesses that he kinda already slept with Zoe in her house and the sex was really awesome but Jane might want to clean the sofa cushions before sitting on them.

Is anyone noticing a theme here? I feel like Jane keeps getting rejected by men because she wouldn’t put out for them. Nick cheated on her because she wasn’t “physically available”. Eli dumped her because she wouldn’t “open up to him”. And Billy hooked up with another chick who was quicker in spreading open her legs. In every instance, Jane loses the guy because she wouldn’t sleep with him right away! It is such a bad message to send to all the young girls watching the show, but that’s exactly the moral of the story here. LMAO~~~

It’s finally the night of the school play. Nick is unable to perform on stage because he got injured at the last minute (at this rate, he might actually end up in a wheelchair during Season 2?) So, Billy gets the Prince Charming role and he ends up kissing Zoe on stage while Jane secretly seethes behind the curtains. And they all lived happily ever after except for Jane. Hooray! ^_^

For a show that’s basically one cliché after another, it’s ironic that Jane By Design managed to escape the biggest and most overused story cliché since the two best friends didn’t end up together romantically. That’s because the show got cancelled before the writers could fall back on their prized trope with Jane & Billy, but it’s still kinda refreshing that a guy and a girl can just be ~*platonic friends*~ on an ABC Family program…even if these circumstances are completely unplanned and unintentional.

In the final scene, Gray is shocked to discover that her assistant is part of this amateur high school play and demands an explanation from Jane. Poor Jane’s reaction was like OH FOOK I’M BUSTED!!! =O Next season, I’m guessing they’d untie this knot with some cheap explanation like: “Oh, I’m definitely still an adult! I was just helping my brother Ben with his school play. ^_^” and Gray would believe her and everything is reverted back to status quo again.

But as it stands now, the fans leave Jane By Design forever with a clumsy cliffhanger that will never get resolved. We’ll just have to assume the worst and imagine that Jane loses the guy AND she loses her dream job in the end. HOORAY!

1 Response

  1. Default avatar Anonymous February 19th, 2016 / Friday

    I couldn’t remember if I ever finished Jane by Design, but thanks to you I don’t have to. #TimeSaved

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