|Ryan Murphy tortures the Glee cast members with minimum wage salaries, long work hours, and locking up the disobedient ones inside a barb wired cage.
|Who’s ready for a supersized Glee recap? I’m gonna cram the first eight episodes of Season 3, up to the Sectionals competition, into one condensed summary. Even though I’ll overlook all the important plot points of each episode and focus on the most trivial details, I can assure you that my recap will still be more coherent than the writing on the actual show. *rimshot*
Ooh yeah, I went there! Let’s get this party started!!!
|So, here’s what you missed on Glee! Over the summer, Dianna Agron had the nerve to make suggestions on how to improve Quinn’s storyline, which pissed off the evil head honcho Ryan Murphy. He retaliated by completely assassinating her character this season, starting with an *ironic* Ryan Seacrest tattoo. And it’s all downhill from there.|
|Quinn isn’t the only one going through character derailment. In particular, I LOATHE that Blaine Anderson motherfucker with a passion. How can someone with no personality still manage to be so damn annoying all the time!? I’m over his quirky bow ties, his earnest do-gooder persona, and those ham-fisted attempts to give him ~*character flaws*~ so that he doesn’t resemble a Mary Sue.
This is coming from a fan since his Warbler days. I’m so over Blaine Anderson.
|Basically, nothing important happened in the first two episodes of Glee. They introduced a couple of new characters, painted several pianos purple for some pointless reason, and sang a lot of forgettable crap songs. To be fair, that description isn’t really any different from all the other episodes…|
|This season introduces Sugar Motta (Vanessa Lengies), a hot shot rich girl with self-diagnosed Asperger’s. She got rejected by New Directions for not being able to *sing*. That didn’t stop Finn from participating in the club, so I don’t know why they’re hating, yo. Sugar is currently a minor character with fun little throwaway scenes here and there. She’s kinda like Mike and Brittany before they went mainstreamed and gone all character development on us.|
|We’re also acquainted with Harmony (Lindsay Pearce), who was on that Glee Project reality competition. Haven’t watched the show before, but I thought this girl is crazy talented with a powerful voice. She can sing the socks off any song!
Harmony is another fun minor character in a rival glee club. Her claim to fame is being the type of overachiever to out-Rachel the actual Rachel. Did you know she has been acting ever since she was a fetus? *lol*
|Hey you, try out this bonding exercise at home! Find your bestie, cry on her shoulder, and then do the ~*GAY HIGH FIVE*~ together. Remember to wave those fingers like you mean it, gurl.|
|WEST SIDE STORY SPAM!
Much of the early drama stemmed from the characters competing for lead roles in the high school musical production. At the time, they made the play seem like a Very! Big! Deal! But in the grand scheme of things, it kinda fizzled out and got overshadowed by the other storylines.
|Kurt was eyeing the part of the male lead in the musical, but he wasn’t deemed ‘masculine’ enough for the role. Hahahaha, let’s laugh at the camp gay guy try to butch it up and then tack on a last-minute moral message to make it seem less mean-spirited afterwards.|
|After losing the lead role to Blaine, Kurt goes on to lose the school election to Brittany as well. Oh, that poor kid. It’s simply not the year for Kurt Hummell. On the bright side, he does win at having the BEST CAMPAIGN POSTERS EVAR.|
|In the third episode, Mike Chang gets an ASIAN F on his exam (which I guess is the equivalent of an AMERICAN A-MINUS) and it upsets his overbearing azn family with traditional values. This begins Mike’s ongoing story arc about pursuing his dreams as a dancer, though Senior Chang wants him to focus on school and become a doctor instead.
Papa Chang: YOUR DANCING IS TEARING APART THE FAMILY! YOU BRING US GREAT SHAME WITH THOSE GYRATING HIPS! I SHALL DISOWN YOU, UNGRATEFUL SON!!!
|There’s an awkward scene where Mike verges on second base with Tina, which inspires him to follow his heart and disobey his father’s wishes.
Tina: What’s important, Mike, is that you touch my boobies and then chase after your dreams like a fluttering butterfly~
|Of course, the conflict magically resolves with Senior Chang supporting his son’s decisions in the end. Yeah, it was a predictable story arc from start to finish, but still a pretty heart-warming message nonetheless. Besides, it’s good to see Mike in the spotlight. Not bad for a guy who barely had dialogue in the first season.|
|Mr. Schue is relentlessly hard on Mercedes for not putting in the effort during rehearsals. He yells at her for *vomiting* during dance practice. Okay, there’s a fine line between tough love and acting like a complete blowhard with a stick up his ass – guess which side Will Schuester falls under.|
|Mercedes isn’t the type to compromise with her I AM A DIVA, I DESERVE STAR TREATMENT, I WANT MY TATER TOTS behaviour. She proceeds to blame Mr. Schue for often sidelining the true talent in favour of the teacher’s pet Rachel. Their conflict culminates to the point where Mercedes pulls an Effie White and gets forced out of the group!!! *oohdrama*|
|Furthermore, Mercedes isn’t happy about sharing a lead role with Rachel in the school musical. Tying for first place is soooo Season 2 Sectionals, amirite? Good on Mercedes for throwing down the gauntlet and showing them who’s the real HBIC up in this joint!|
|Emma’s character hangs onto a flimsy thread of relevance with some ridiculous subplot about her ginger supremacist parents. Um, okay. My real problem is when Will starts singing Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ over Emma’s woes. There’re unfortunate implications suggesting that Will thinks his girlfriend’s OCD needs to be ~*fixed*~, as if it’s a malfunctioning mechanical part that he could reach in and tweak. I just found that song in this context to be patronising and cringe-worthy. But what could you expect from Coldplay, amirite?
I give him a grade of two ginger parents out of five.
|YAY WALKING IRISH STEREOTYPE! I know some viewers are meticulously counting down the number of required episodes for the Glee Project kid’s appearances. Admit it, how many bitches were going like OH LAWL, I HOPE THAT CAMEO OF HIM SMILING IN THE BACKGROUND COUNTS AS ONE OF HIS REQUIRED SEVEN?|
|Sure he can’t sing, dance, or act. Hell, this guy can’t even say his lines clearly. But in my opinion, Rory Flanagan (Damian McGinty) is a fantastic addition to the show. The reason being he’s such a BIG HAM! I can’t help but find his dorky grin and awkward demeanour so very endearing~
Rory is a foreign exchange student introduced in the fourth episode. Brittany thought he was some kind of magical leprechaun, and he went along with the charade in hopes of getting into “her pot of gold”. I know, it’s as bad as it sounds. All of his scenes were just CRINGE, CRINGE, CRINGE. So naturally I was like LAWL LAWL LAWL.
|Shelby is back! You’d assume, with a guest actress of her calibre, the show might wring some genuinely intriguing family drama between Rachel and her birth mother. WRONG. These two barely even interacted. Instead, Shelby was stuck in some uninspired studentfucker storyline and acted as a second-rate Will Schuester. What a way to ruin her character that had so much potential!|
|Shelby is in charge of mentoring the all-girls music group, The TroubleTones, which is a second glee club at McKinley High. It was founded by Sugar Motta, but eventually led by the dynamic duo of Mercedes and Santana. All these bitches are fierce as hell and don’t even try to deny they’re the superior glee club in the show.|
|Unfortunately, no one gives a hoot about the Puck and Shelby hook-up because he looks like such a haggard wrinkly old dude anyway, so it hardly feels like a scandal. BTW, doesn’t it seem like Mark Salling had aged at least fifteen years in between the seasons? What happened to grandpa?|
|I wish they took a more comedic route with the hot for teacher storyline. Like, we all know their relationship won’t last until the wedding bells, so why didn’t Glee play the romance for some laughs? They hadn’t even scratched the surface with all the possible MILF, Mrs. Robertson, and hot mama jokes. It’s a shame they were *SO DAMN SRS* with the whole sordid affair instead.|
|How do I put this nicely? Quinn is a raving sociopathic lunatic that steals babies, destroys families, and desperately in need of a bitchslap across the face. She lost me after trying to plant evidence against Shelby, so that social services will deem her as an unfit mother. WTF. TOO FAR QUINN.|
|When the baby snatching plans didn’t follow through, Quinn decides to blackmail Shelby and get her fired for hooking up with a student. There’s so much WTF I don’t even know where to start. All the other characters are like “Why are you making these terrible choices in life, Quinn?” And she simply answers: “Ryan Murphy.”|
|That douchebag Artie goes on a power trip after becoming the director for the school musical. He has the nerve to *mock* the other characters for being inexperienced virgin losers, INCLUDING Coach Bieste. Artie even advises the coach on how to get her freak on with another man, which is just wrong on so many levels.
Artie: WHADDUP BARREN VAGINA! Need any tips on your sex life?
|There’s a love triangle between Coach Bieste, Sue, and some piece of man meat whose sole purpose is to fabricate romantic tension. It also gave Bieste the opportunity to perform ‘Jolene’, which sounded pleasant enough and seemed quite appropriate for the occasion. I give her a grade of four broken hearts out of five.|
|In the fifth episode, Kurt bumps into Dave Karofsky at a gay bar, where they proceed to have rampant back alley sex together. Oops sorry, that didn’t happen even though it should have. KUROFSKY ALL THE WAY UNTIL THE BITTER END. ALL KLAINE STANS DIAF.|
|Dave: People like me here. I feel accepted. I’m what they called a bear cub.
Kurt: Because you look like Yogi?
Dave: I dunno, because I’m burly or something.
Kurt: As long as you’re not beating people up, I’m all for being whoever you have to be at your own speed.
Dave: I just want to have a normal senior year and play football without my teammates hearing rumours about me. Right now, I’m just trying to get through high school.
It was a short scene, but very poignant and beautifully acted. I hope this isn’t the last we see of Max Adler on the show.
|The kids finally perform West Side Story on stage, and the only highlight is Rory’s one line of dialogue. It was amazeballs to hear him blurt out “YU CAME WIF YOR MOUF OWEN” in a bad Puerto Rican accent on top of his already very thick Irish accent. I love this guy. Please keep him on the show forever.|
|The show took a very liberal interpretation of West Side Story and somehow twisted it as the SEXUAL AWAKENING STORY instead. We follow the two leads, Rachel and Blaine, through a series of wacky trials as they navigate their moral compasses and conquer their virginities together. Except, y’know, they have sex with different dudes in the end.|
|For all the media hoopla we get for two teenagers having sex, what we got was a very sanitized PG-13 after-school special about sleeping with your boyfriend when the moment feels “right”.
Look kids, if you really wanted a lesson in sex education, just go download American Pie. I guarantee you’d learn more about sex and have a more enjoyable time doing so too.
|LONG LIVE THE WARBLERS!!! The gaggle of boys continues to be irrelevant to the plot, but I must comment on their bizarre rendition of ‘Uptown Girl’ where they serenade (aka. ambush and musically gangrape) a female teacher in the school hallway. It was really weird to watch a herd of horny teenage guys shake their asses at an adult woman. What have the Warblers done with themselves since Blaine’s departure!? D:
I give them a grade of three Warbler uniforms out of five.
|Enter Sebastian Smythe (Grant Gustin), a predatory Warbler with his sights set on Blaine Anderson (gurl really? You can do so much better than that vanilla cupcake). He has a fun scene with Kurt in Episode 8, as they exchange bitchy little jibes at each other.
Kurt: I don’t like you.
|Sebastian: Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine’s too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a hard-luck case of the gay face, and it ain’t me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I’ll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you’ll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron, and that gay face.
Kurt: YOU SMELL LIKE CRAIGSLIST.
|Who doesn’t love dodgeball? The TroubleTones and New Directions engage in a not-so-friendly game during the sixth episode. Despite being one of the most irrelevant sports in the world (you ever see a gold medal in dodgeball at the Olympics?), it remains an important fixture of the high school experience just to teach kids that LIFE IS CRUEL.
I think dodgeball is a really fun game…unless you really suck at it…which most of us really do.
|Rory begins flailing about in the gymnasium like an adorable little Irish ham, but he gets pummelled by balls for the exact same reason. This gives Kurt the opportunity to step onto his soapbox and preach about high school bullying like we’re watching Season 2 again.|
|Anti-bullying is Kurt’s main platform in the school election. He suggests a school-wide ban on dodgeball because it’s such a cruel and malicious game and blah blah blah more pretentious crap. Good grief, can you imagine voting for such a wet blanket at *your* school election? No wonder Brittany won in the end, with her promises of free blowjobs for everyone. Sign me up!|
|RIGGING THE VOTES, U R DOING IT WRONG.
Rachel tries stuffing the ballots for her bestie, though she gets busted because there were more votes cast than the actual student body. *lol* As a result, she is suspended for two weeks and forbidden from participating in sectionals, oh no!
|Speaking of politics done wrong, Burt joins the election race against Sue for one position or another. She’s against funding the arts, while he supports his artistic gay son or something. The campaign ads were outrageously stupid, even for Sue’s standards, and the whole storyline was one big waste of time.|
|Meanwhile, Santana continues to be a hardcore bitch. Here are her best hits:
1. Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator’s.
|Finn decides to get back at Santana by OUTING her in front of the entire school. Dude, not cool. He clearly did it out of spite, but tries to justify his actions by acting like ~*everybody knew already*~ and ~*the truth will set you free*~. Oh puh-lease, stuff a sock in it Finn Hudson! Just admit it, you pulled a bitch move!|
|BTW, is there anything more obnoxious that straight people dictating how the gay community should lead their lives?|
|Although Santana’s coming out storyline was one disjointed mess, at least we got a show-stopping performance of Rumour Has It / Someone Like You. Obviously, no one could ever top Adele in terms of passion or raw talent, but I think Mercedes and Santana still delivered a solid enactment that would do the original cover proud. It has been a while since listening to a Glee song made my pulse jump with excitement, so well done ladies. I give them a grade of five outed lesbians out of five!|
|After the song, Santana unleashes her PENT UP LESBIAN RAGE and slaps Finn like the little bitch that he is!|
|I love how Santana was threatened with suspension for slapping a bitch, yet half the football team gets a free pass in spite of tormenting the school hallways in the first two seasons. Anyway, our little rascals kiss and make up afterwards, but not before Finn acts like a self-righteous prick and then butchers a slowed down rendition of ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’.
(BTW Sugar is such a scene stealer here, I *heart* her.)
|All you need to know about this season’s Sectionals is that the TroubleTones were ROBBED, ROBBED, ROBBED.|
|There was a pointless storyline where Finn and Blaine act like douchenozzles over who gets to lead the group. To summarise, the conversation went along the lines of this:
Blaine: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME DUDE!?
|Sam Evans comes back in Episode 8 after Chord Overstreet threw a bitch fit, quit the show, and then later returned with his tail tucked neatly in between his legs. In between the seasons, they sexed up his character by a thousand, turned him into a former stripper with a heart of gold, and now he’s the type of slut who’d fight other guys to steal their girlfriends. In other words, TREMENDOUS CHARACTER GROWTH.|
1.) Blaine is an asshole.