|Rachel wants a nose job; Santana grows a beard; Kurt returns to his old school.|
|This after-school special edition of Glee begins with Rachel contemplating a nose job! Except you know the show will never go *there* in a million years, so it feels like a pointless storyline in order for the other characters to shit on Rachel and preach about self-image.
In other words, just a typical episode of Glee.
|More importantly, let’s focus on the majestic HBIC QUEEN Santana who is the ~*real*~ star and saving grace of Glee. While everyone else freaks out over the risks of plastic surgery, she calls them out on their bullshit. This includes jabs at Sam’s trouty mouth, Artie’s legs & Tina’s azn eyes (racism is so funny lmao).|
|Tina takes offence to Santana’s rant, claiming that she lurves the way she looks and won’t change a thing about her appearance. This prompts Mike Chang to bitch about Tina wearing blue eye contacts today just to match the European ideal of beauty. He even calls her a “self-hating Asian” lol|
|SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #1
Finn: I like the way I look…
Santana: Oh please! You have weird puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they’re filled with custard. You could dust them with powdered sugar and they can pass for some sort of dessert.
|SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #2
Santana: Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I’m saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, you should change it.
omg I should just fill the rest of this recap with Santana quotes. Good idea, y/y?
|At lunch, Will helps Emma clean her grapes (lol he ~wishes~) but suggests that she should get some treatment for her OCD. Emma is reluctant to admit she has a disorder because she was born this way, baby! By this point, Will already lost interest in the conversation because his mind is preoccupied with GAGA GOODNESS ZOMG.|
|Santana wants to be the prom queen & subsequently win Brittany’s affections, but knows that she’s such a ferocious bitch no one will ever vote for her. Her bofo Sam is kinda useless and a huge dork, so dating him won’t help her cause. Unless…|
|BAM! She figures out that the big man on campus, Dave Karofsky, is a big unjolly gay bear, so she can use this information as leverage for prom queen!
SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #3
|Will wants to teach the kids about self-acceptance, so this week’s assignment is to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are. In addition, they’ll make custom t-shirts with their biggest flaw printed across their chests. In Emma’s case, she thinks being a redhead has plagued her for her entire life.|
|Lauren used to dominate child pageants, but her hopes of wearing a tiara were dashed ever since puberty kicked in. She knows she has no chance of winning prom queen with Miss Little Size 2 Quinn Fabray in contention.|
|But Puck wants to honour her slavegoddess and be her prom king, so he promises they’ll sabotage Quinn’s chances in order for Lauren to be the rightful prom queen instead!|
|Rachel & Quinn sing a duet together (about time!) of ‘Unpretty’ by TLC and it sounds marvellous as expected. Not everyone will agree with this assessment, but I just love Quinn’s gentle & soothing voice. It’s especially highlighted in this song, because something about her voice always complements her duet partner.
Grade: Five nose jobs out of Five.
|Lauren Zizes is running for prom queen, bitches! And it’s working too, because the civilians in the school want to vote for someone who looks just like them. This pisses off Quinn, who’s desperately vying for that title like her life depends on it. She threatens Lauren to either back off or the competition is going to get personal, oh snap!|
|On their coffee date, Santana calls out Karofsky for being a closeted gay.
SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #4
|Santana has a game plan for both of them. They’ll be each other’s beards during prom & rule the school after winning king/queen.
SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #5
|Karofsky is ~NO ME GUSTA~ about the scheme, but Santana will out him to the entire school unless he complies.
SANTANA AWESOME QUOTE #6
I GIVE UP. ALL HAIL SANTANA. GODDESS GODDESS GODDESS!
|The next performance features Mike and Finn, as they sing and dance along to ‘I’ve Gotta Be Me’. It was kinda awkward to see Mike dance circles around Finn, who looks like he’s happy not to trip over his two left feet. Cute effort though, and I like how they shake up the couplings every now and then.
Grade: Two fedora hats out of Five.
|Tina, the same girl who lacks self-confidence so much that she faked a stutter last season, calls out Rachel for getting a nose job because she doesn’t love herself. She gives a hokey inspirational speech that prompted Mike to immediately eat her face, until they got a little too intimate & Mr. Schue had to break them up.|
|Besides Tina’s ‘abrupt personal transformation’ (even the show lampshades this), Rachel shows off a composite picture of what she’ll look like once she gets a nose job. And tbh, she’d look pretty good with her new nose, but of course the Glee club goes all OMG U R BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY U R; YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY, HURRAY. But Rachel made up her mind and she’s getting rid of her schnoz!|
|So Will is angry at Emma for not admitting her disorder on her t-shirt, even though she’s supposed to be an honest role model for the kids. And while he has a point, Will acts like such a d-bag about it. He even threatens Emma with…*gasp*…unwashed fruits! Oh, the horror!|
|As part of Santana’s grand master scheme to win Prom Queen and Brittany’s affections, she orders Karofsky to apologize to Glee Club for being a homophobic bully to Kurt. In fact, he’ll lead an anti-bullying club on campus to ensure that the school is a completely safe environment for Kurt to return to.|
|Although Karofsky and Santana had their own agendas for starting the anti-bullying patrol (in which they called themselves the fabulous Bully Whips), this is still more proactive & productive than anything the Glee Club did for Kurt after he got bullied out of the school. So WTG Santana~~~|
|Burt isn’t so forgiving of Karosky though, and fears for his son’s safety if he returns to the school. Karofsky *did* threaten to kill Kurt for being gay, after all.|
|Kurt wants to come back to this school (& join the winning team for Nationals, amirite?) so he negotiates a deal with Karofsky. He won’t publicly out Dave, but in exchange they must start a PFLAG (Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) organization at the school. Dave doesn’t need to come out, but he must be educated about gays and lesbians.|
|OMG ENOUGH ALREADY WITH RACHEL’S NOSE. *switches channel*
Anyway, Puck convinces Rachel to give him one last chance to change her mind tomorrow, before she gets her surgical operation.
|We say a last goodbye to the Warblers as Kurt returns to his old high school. The squad of boy toys give a farewell serenade rendition of ‘Somewhere Only We Know’. It’s a really lovely song and Blaine sings it wel- OH WAIT BAM! *RANDOM PIANO OUT OF NOWHERE*
Why is there a piano in the middle of school grounds? lmao
|Kurt and Blaine exchange a teary-eyed farewell because they won’t get to see each other often at their different schools. And THANK GOD there’s a commercial break right after, because all the Klaine stans had to change their moist panties due to the overwhelming gushiness in the scene.|
|Now that Saint Kurt Hummel returned to his holy land, the show proceeds to honour him with yet another motherfucking solo that goes on forever. His performance of ‘As If We Never Said Goodbye’ is delicate and vocally poignant, and it’s painfully clear that Chris Colfer is so talented and he was born this way baby.
Grade: Five shoe-in Emmy nominations out of Five.
|Remember the anti-bullying stance this show has been preaching about throughout the season? Newsflash: this only applies to Kurt; everyone else is fair game!
Lauren & Puck discovered a shocking sordid past about little Miss Perfect. It turns out Quinn Fabray – or rather ‘Lucy’ Fabray – is not who she claims she is!
|OH YEAH THIS IS QUINN AKA. FAKE PLASTIC LUCY CABOOSEY BEFORE THE NOSE JOBS AND PLASTIC SURGERY. SHE WAS BORN THIS UGLY, HURRAY!
Here’s the scoop: Quinn used to be an ugly kid and got mercilessly teased at school, but she worked hard to fix up her image and turn into the beautiful Cinderella story that as you see today. She just wants to *feel* beautiful, y’all!
|In a total bitch move, Lauren posted Quinn’s old yearbook photo on the school bulletin board. Now everyone knows the beauty queen used to be an ugly duckling before all the plastic surgery, boo hoo hoo. It does add an extra layer of meaning to the earlier ‘Unpretty’ performance though, which is kinda…unexpected for a show like Glee.|
|The Glee club attempts an intervention to stop Rachel from getting her nose job. They’ve a flash mob at a mall to Duck Sauce’s ‘Barbara Striesand’ dance song, which was quite odd and not necessarily in a good way. It feels a little irrelevant I guess? I don’t see how this is supposed to convince Rachel from getting a nose job, but whatever. Cool song, bro!
Grade: Two dancing old ladies out of Five.
|Emma sees a shrink about her OCD, but spends the whole session cleaning a chair instead of talking about her issues. Emma argues that SHE WAS BORN THIS WAY HURRAY, though her therapist says that’s just an excuse. You won’t tell a diabetic person to do nothing about their condition, rite? Emma needs to stop denying who she is, and start taking some medication to suppress the crazy within her!|
|Quinn is still upset that her ugly duckling past was exposed to the whole school. Finn comforts her and tells Quinn that she used to be a gorgeous girl, and she’s the most beautiful when she’s just being herself, which is total BS but also kinda sweet.|
|But it turns out that Quinn/Lucy’s past as an ugly duckling actually earns her *sympathy* with the voters. The recent poll numbers show that Quinn is 40% more popular than before. She’s no longer seen as the stuck-up bitch with an easy life!|
|Lauren apologizes to Quinn for bullying her in the school, but Quinn says that she *respects* Lauren for being so confident about her self-image. And apparently now they’re besties or whatever?|
|Brittany shows Santana her tits & her t-shirt. She wants Santana to own her lesbianism by wearing a customized ‘Lebanese’ shirt (which is supposed to say ‘Lesbian’). Santana is still in the closet, which confuses Brittany because why would she hide this awesome part about herself? But Santana is all like MY ABRUPT LESBIAN STORYLINE CAME OUT OF LEFT FIELD, SO GIMME A FEW MORE EPISODES OF ANGST.|
|Will congratulates Glee club for embracing the theme this week, and he shows off his t-shirt which says ‘Butt Chin’. Personally, I thought ‘Douchebag’ would’ve been more appropriate, but he was born this way hurray!|
|In other news, Rachel didn’t get a nose job after all. Wow, what a surprise and unexpected turn of events. (My t-shirt says ‘Sarcastic’)|
|Sam informs everyone that Santana won’t join them in the ‘Born This Way’ number, because she’s too busy making out with Karofsky. He sounds really butthurt about it, but everyone just looks at him and goes: ‘wait, were you two still dating?’|
|They end the episode with the big ‘Born This Way’ number. I know the song is controversial in terms of its suckiness, but Gaga’s version grew on me after a while. I loved the upbeat energy to the song. Overall, a pretty solid performance to end a solid episode of Glee!
GRADE: Four ‘I’m with Stoopid’ t-shirts out of Five.
|Emma also owned up her OCD by the end of the episode, because she was (not really) BORN THIS WAY HURRAY!|
|In contrast, the Santana x Karofsky power couple is still struggling with their self-identities. And you know what, I tend to make fun of Glee a lot, but I’m kinda intrigued by this gay beard/closeted homosexuals storyline & am curious how it will turn out.|
1.) Overall, a very fun & enjoyable episode of Glee. Lived up to its hype.
2.) Rachel has a big schnoz.
3.) There can never be too much Kurt.
4.) BAM! *RANDOM PIANO*
5.) Quinn Fabray for prom queen.
6.) Santana = GODDESS GODDESS GODDESS <3