|Poor Moira. That’s my first reaction after I’ve finished watching this episode of American Horror Story. Murdered over a misunderstanding. Dead for nearly three decades. Trapped inside a house with no escape. Even back in her living days, she seemed lonely and quite unhappy. Everything about her just seems so bleak, hopeless, depressing. She’s a very tragic character. I feel nothing but pity for her. ;_;|
|With that said, how awesome was it when Constance shot her in the eye!? RIGHT IN HER FUCKING EYE lolololol …yeah, I know it’s not an appropriate reaction, but my sick desire to see morbid deaths triumphs over my pity any time.|
|We begin the episode with a 1983 flashback, where we witness Moira’s final moments before her death. Meet her employer Hugo (Eric Close), a married man, but he enjoys getting frisky with the maid. They already had sex once, because she was feeling vulnerable and he’s not really the type of man you’d kick out of bed if given the opportunity. He is the ~splitting image~ of Van Johnson after all.|
|But then, Hugo forced himself upon her once again. Moira wasn’t game for an encore performance, though she didn’t have much say in the matter…|
|In my recaps, there are several subject matters that are very difficult to put in a humorous depiction without coming across like an asshole. Rape is definitely one of those taboo topics. I don’t want to make light of it or sensualize it in any way.|
|It seems hypocritical, considering I make fun of murders and trivialize deaths in many recaps, so I’m not on some moral high ground when it comes to making crude offensive jokes. Is it because I’m desensitized to people being killed since it’s so exposed in our media culture? Nonetheless, rape is just icky to write about in a comedic piece, and I’ll refrain from mentioning it again for the rest of this recap.|
|There seems to be something wrong with the screenshot section on the left. I’m not sure why there’re so many duplicates of the same picture. It must be a technical glitch.|
|Oh shoot, how did this picture get in the mix?|
|Hmm, I’ve never noticed it before, but those are some nice plush pillows.|
|Oh fine. If you hold a gun to my head, without going all politically correct on me, I’ll painfully admit this was a finnnnne display of Eric Close and his peachy round bum in tight white briefs. I kinda want to flick a penny off dat ass. And btw, the amount of screenshots posted reflects the number of times I’ve re-watched the scene…in slow motion…with a huge grin on my face.
I AM SHAMELESS. DON’T JUDGE ME.
|Are you still there? It should be okay since no one is reading my stuff anyway, but I’m finished trolling you. Let’s resume with our regular programming. *lol*|
|Actually, the above series of pictures was an artistic and deliberate depiction of Constance’s mentality when she first walked into that room. Those images must have been burned into her brain once she saw her husband cheating with another woman in their bedroom.|
|Even though it was a one-sided affair, and Moira was hardly a willing participant in the act, Constance went in there as a woman with an extreme prejudice. You can hardly fault her for not clearing up the minute details before she started shooting bitches.|
|Her adulterous husband Hugo took multiple hits in the chest, dying instantly.|
|As for poor Moira, I guess you can say she didn’t ~SEE~ that one coming at all.
|In present time, Ben reveals that the Harmon family is financially challenged. They’ve invested too much money into buying this house, and most of their money is tied up in other projects. Even though Vivien wants to move out of the house, she realizes they might not have the financial means to do so.
Because of this, the hormonal Vivien loses her shit and calls out her husband’s failures: “Is there no end to your ineptitude as a man!?” And Ben is like, “Maybe this isn’t the best time to tell you about my floundering psychiatrist career, my indiscretions with the maid, and oh I also knocked up my mistress…”
|Vivien also takes out her HORMONAL RAGE on the real estate agent, who is asked to put this house back on the market.
Vivien: You’re gonna do whatever it takes and you’re gonna sell this house. And then my family and I are going to live somewhere safe. And in return for that, I’m not going to sue you for GROSS CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE. Are we on the same page?
You know the real estate agent is totally thinking: “I AM GLAD I SOLD YOU THIS HOUSE AND I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A GHOST DICK, YOU HORRID BITCH~~~”
|Violet is also against selling the house, because she’s angsty as fuck and this murder house suits her try-hard emo persona to a tee. Plus, she formed some weird twisted friendship with Tate of all people, which should raise MAJOR RED FLAGS about her current mental well-being.|
|The patient of the week is seeking psychiatric help, because she’s apparently the most boring woman in the world. She’s like: “hi dr. harmon i like spreadsheets and accounting :)” And I think Ben already started snoring a little by the time she said the third word!|
|Zzzzzzzzz *snores* ….oh shit Ben, wake up! You’re getting paid to listen to your patients’ ramblings no matter how boring they might be. And you call yourself a professional? You should have been trained on how to keep your eyes open even when your mind is drifting off elsewhere! That’s Psychiatry 101!|
|RED HERRING ALERT: Ben wakes up in a hazy daze. His hands are covered in blood. He is having problems with recall…|
|He also keeps passing out, and then waking up next to a strange patch of ground, often with a shovel lying nearby…|
|We’re almost led to believe that Ben might’ve snapped and killed his patient, because stranger things have happened on this show. However, the actual truth is that the boring lady got pissed off at Ben falling asleep, so she tried hurting herself to evoke a rise out of him. Her suicide attempt was done for a similar reason, because killing herself will prove that she is not boring, and dying just seems FUN, FUN, FUN~~~
The police detective can’t arrest Ben because technically he hasn’t done anything illegal to the woman. However, the cop does make a quip about his insensitivity: “Yeah, you can’t arrest someone for being an asshole.” *lol*
|Of course, Ben could hardly focus on his work or his patients when he’s so busy fighting off the predatory advances of the maid. Seriously, Hot Moira is *aggressively* attacking him with her vagina. She’s not being one bit subtle or discreet about it.
Here is a small sample of her savoury quotes:
Hot Moira: I just clean the stains. Do you want to make a new one?
|Moira: Think of all the blood. Rushing. Pumping. Filling you up. Filling us both up.|
|Moira: Well, your tape recorder might be down the front of my dress…|
|Moira: …all you have to do is reach down between my breasts.|
|Ben is so conflicted. On one hand, you can tell he’s still totally attracted to her. He has the same urges. He occasionally steals glances at her melons and plum and black laced bra and kinky fetish garters. The poor guy must be walking with a perpetual boner around the house all day.|
|On the other hand, she’s just a little too…intense. We all know Ben is a giant manwhore who can’t keep it in his pants, but Hot Moira is an outright sex fiend who’s practically bursting with pure unadulterated sexual energy. It has gotten to a point where he actually seemed repulsed by her advances, which is pretty funny.|
|Ben: I did not want to get physical with her, but I had no choice! I have rebuffed every advance! And believe me, there have been many but she just won’t stop, unbuttoning and bending over!
Hag Moira: I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but my days of romance are long over.
Ben: Oh please. Is that why you prance in that little maid’s outfit like you’re headed to a fetish ball!? Is this what you do? Entrap employers?
|Vivien has a perpetual ‘WUT???’ face during this whole exchange. It’s very confusing for her because she only sees Moira in her haggard form, whereas Ben sees the maid in her younger sluttier identity. According to Moira, this is due to the fact that women can look into the soul of a person, and men are basically just pigs. *lol*|
|Anyway, Vivien thinks it might be best to get a less controversial housekeeper, but HOLY FUCK MOIRA WAS NOT HAVING IT AT ALL~~~
Hag Moira: JUST LEAVE!? JUST TOSS ME OUT LIKE A PIECE OF TRASH!?!? WILL YOU…NO YOU WON’T!!! NOT THIS TIME!!! I DESERVE RESPECT!!! If your husband lays a hand on me again, or tries to fire me with unjust cause, I WILL PRESS CHARGES!!! *sudden calm voice* and oh btw I change the sheets in the bedroom.
|And Vivien is like “Ben, are you only attracted to the crazy ones? O_O”|
|Can you imagine if your house is part of some tourist attraction for horror fans and people who get their kicks off recreating old murder scenarios? That’s what Vivien finds out when she sees a bunch of tourists snapping obnoxious photographs of the ~MURDER HOUSE~.|
|When Vivien actually joins one of these tours, she learns way more about the house’s notorious history than she ever did from the real estate agent!
Tour Guide: And our next stop…Elm Street!
|In a 1922 flashback, we meet the original founders of the house. Dr. Montgomery was a mad scientist who gets some sick pleasure from dissecting pigs and keeping jarred collections of his subjects’ body parts. Think carving a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, except instead of eating it the normal way, Dr. Montgomery plays around with the eyeballs and then hangs the head on a mantel somewhere.|
|Some men collect stamps. Others collect model trains. Dr. Montgomery contains body parts, what’s the big difference? Unfortunately, his peculiar hobby isn’t very profitable, a fact that his wife constantly uses to berate him.|
|Nora, the First Ghost Wife, convinces her husband to run an all-profit abortion clinic. The project ended disastrously for the couple, with both of them dead, and thus beginning the chain of murders in this house.|
|In present time, Nora makes a ghostly appearance as a prospective house buyer. She begins her road of reminiscence, going all “…and then in this room, unborn babies used to die in here. *sighs dreamily* AH, GOOD OL’ MEMORIES!”|
|And then we discover that Nora has a HUGE GAPING HOLE AT THE BACK OF HER HEAD, so I’m not sure how Vivien missed that fucking detail about her visitor! D:|
|Speaking of abortions, guess who didn’t get one!? HAYDEN’S BACCCCCK!!! And more psychotic than ever, apparently. It turns out she’s not either pro-choice or pro-life. Hayden is all about pro-blackmail, as she attempts to milk every last cent from her baby daddy!|
|When those conniving blackmail tactics don’t go her way, Hayden is like ACTIVATE BIPOLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER BZZZZZT~~~|
|Hayden goes through the rounds of HOW DARE YOU!!! *bzzzt* I HATE YOU!!! *bzzt* I’M PREGNANT!!! *bzzt* YOUR WIFE MUST FIND OUT!!! *bzzt* HORMONAL RAGE!!! *bzzt* I AM HORNY!!! *bzzt* KISS ME, YOU FOOL!!! *bzzt* I WANT LASAGNA!!! *bzzt*
…and that was all in the span of ten seconds. I think we might have met a small handful of her colourful personalities in that time.
|AND THEN HAYDEN’S SKULL MEETS THE END OF A SHOVEL.|
|…courtesy of Larry Harvey, who starts hitting the bitch like he’s aiming for the highest score in the Whac-A-Mole game! *WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK*|
|Sorry again for this inappropriate and highly inhumane reaction, but omfg lolololololol
These deaths would be so horrible if they weren’t also so hilarious at the same time. And to be honest, it’s just that annoying bitch Hayden, so no big loss to human society. One might say that she (& the baby) died from blunt trauma, but I’d say she got killed by ~*karma*~.
|Ben is going OMGWTFOMGWTF and pukes out violent chunks in the kitchen sink and then he starts crying like a baby, because he’s pretty much thinking I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE!!! D: D: D:|
|Larry claims that he’s only looking out for Ben, because a dead mistress is better than a living one! He’s pretty much like the human embodiment of a message board troll though, so his real reason for whacking Hayden is probably for the laffos.|
|Larry digs up a hole in the garden and throws the bitch in the ditch. He’s surprised to find another human corpse along the way…|
|It’s Moira. That’s her body buried in the yard after Constance murdered her ass several decades ago. Moira wants to move on, but she’s being confined in this house as long as her body remains uncovered. I think that was her scheme all along, drugging Ben (which explains his earlier memory loss) and putting him next to this patch of ground, in hopes that he’d dig up her body and free her soul from this place. But now, she’ll remain trapped here for a bleak, hopeless, and depressing eternity.|
|You might be shocked to hear this, but Corpse Moira isn’t that much of a looker!|
|I think Ben contemplated calling the police, but Larry reminds him that a.) Ben would be a prime suspect being the baby daddy, b.) Vivien would find out about the whole ordeal, and c.) now he doesn’t have a mistress infestation anymore, so he should be thanking Larry instead of incriminating him!
In the end, Ben decides it’s in his best interests to act as an accessory to murder. He builds a GRAVEYARD GAZEBO right on top of where Hayden and Moira’s bodies are buried.
|Of course, Constance doesn’t miss a chance to torment Moira and kick her while she’s feeling down.
Constance: Now you’re stuck here forever~~~
|Hag Moira: *breaks out in uncontrollable sobs*
Constance: Heh heh heh.
*lmao* I love this bitch.