|The episode begins like one of those fabulous crime-watch television re-enactments. The scene takes place in 1968, back when the haunted house was occupied by an all-girls dormitory. We meet these sixties versions of ‘Sex and the City’ caricatures, who spew out hilariously crass lines like “I WANNA DO JIM MORRISON!” (gurl, who doesn’t?) and “I HOPE YOU GET THE CLAP!” (gurl, who hasn’t?)|
|Among the skanks, there is a young woman named Maria, who decides to study for her anatomy exam instead of partying at a concert with her friends. What a refreshingly rare portrayal of a studious and responsible young adult on television! Therefore, the show decides that her character must die, die, die!|
|“Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t want to bother you but I’m hurt and needing some help. I will need to come inside and then murder you in the most convoluted way possible, kthx.”
Maria meets Stranger Danger at the doorstep, and he claims to be an injured man in need of some medical assistance. OH GURL, DO NOT LET HIM IN THE HOUSE. Clearly, Maria has not watched any vampire shows before, because everyone knows you never invite those pasty bloody motherfuckers into your house!
|As Maria is tending his wounds, she’s like “Oh yes, Jesus is my BFF4LYFE. BTW, I can’t seem to find the source of your bleeding. Is this…ketchup?”|
|And it takes all but five seconds for the stranger dude to go COMPLETELY PSYCHO on the two women. He just flips his shit and starts assaulting these bitches left and right!
There’s this super awkward scene where the evil stranger tells Maria to undress as part of his little perverse murder fantasy. The poor girl is crying miserably as she takes off her clothes against her will. I felt *so uncomfortable* watching it, which I guess is the intent, but it left a really bad taste in my mouth.
|Watching that whole scene was just so icky. I felt like going into the shower to feel clean afterwards, but then I saw what happened to the other chick in the bathtub. Eeek!!!|
|Is there some bizarre moral lesson in all this? Loose party girls may get a myriad of sexually transmitted diseases, but at least they don’t get FUCKING STABBED A THOUSAND TIMES IN THE COLLARBONE!!! Oh Maria, this would have never happened if you ditched the textbooks and gone out to get the clap with your friends. This is what you get for not being a big whore!|
|We cut to present time, in the middle of a therapy session between Ben and Tate. When I say therapy, it’s really just Tate rambling on about whatever bullshit comes up in his sick demented mind, while Ben asks a few pointless questions along the way.
Tate: I JERK OFF THINKING ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER.
|Yeah, Tate is kind of obsessed with Violet. He describes these sexual fantasies in graphic details just to provoke a reaction out of Ben. This guy even sneaks into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. How very Edward Cullen of him.|
|In this episode, we meet another crazy bitch patient who has a recurring dream of getting her body sliced in half by an elevator shaft. Ben tries to psychoanalyze her by going all “Were you molested as a child by any chance? I think the elevator represents your repressed childhood!” And Bianca is like “LOLRLY? You’re going with that tired old explanation? How much more clichéd can your psychotherapy get?”|
|Bianca isn’t so interested in getting actual therapy as she was about learning the sordid past of the ~*MURDER HOUSE*~. She even starts roaming around the house long after her session was over. Between Tate and Bianca, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for Ben to hold therapy at a home office, especially when all the crazypants have direct access with his family!|
|Meanwhile, Vivien is convinced her pregnancy must be abnormal, probably because she conceived this demon baby while having S&M sex with a man who is not her husband.|
|Ben assures her that is a normal reaction after a brutal miscarriage, and then tries his best to ~*EMOTE*~ but it comes across more like Dylan McDermott is straining to read his lines. I’m starting to think his shirtless scenes aren’t so much exploitative as they are meant to distract you from his stiff acting.|
|Unfortunately for the actor’s limited range, his character is under a lot of emotional turmoil right now, especially since Ben discovered that he knocked up his mistress. The consequences of waving his disco stick at a pretty young thing have caught up to him. Now he has to deal with more unplanned pregnancies than those Gossip Girls!|
|Ben starts moaning and crying about how much hislifesux. I’ve got no problem with real men showing their ~*SENSITIVE*~ sides through their manly tears, but hey dude…your wife is bubbling with pregnancy hormones and even she is crying less than you! Suck it up!|
|Ben: I cheated on my wife! Hayden, that’s her name. She’s insisting I come out to Boston.
Larry: I’m trying very hard not to judge you.
Ben: Me!? You murdered your entire family!!!
Larry: Yes. But I was never unfaithful.
LOLOLOL you know you’re a big manwhore when even the deranged wife killer is judging your morals.
|Constance drops by to deliver some TOXIC SPIT MUFFINS (yum) to the Harmon household. They are specifically meant for Violet. While at the house, Constance is like OMG I CAN SMELL YOUR BABY. MY NOSE IS A SUPERPOWER. And Vivien is like O_O WTF TELL ME MORE.|
|The conversation turns to Constance’s four children as she bemoans her cursed womb. She did have one favourite child who was “a model of physical perfection” but she “lost him to other things”, whatever that means.
Constance: A mother never turns her back on her child. Every one of mine was pure love. I have four kids. I should have stopped after the first. My womb is cursed. My husband is the splitting image of Van Johnson. You’d think we make little cherub children, fat and lively. But it wasn’t meant to be. I think our beauty was an affront to the gods.
|Constance also trades prickly little jibes with Haggard Moira since the two women have a ~*complicated*~ history with each other.
Constance: Moira and I go way back, isn’t that right? Why, I even employed her for a time. I hope her dusting has improved.
I lurve their scenes together. You can cut the tension with a knife.
|Constance departs with a super dramatic farewell: “Is there anything more wonderful than the promise of a new child? Or more heartbreaking when that promise is broken…” Y’know, most people just say ‘goodbye’ or ‘see you later’ but not our beloved Constance. Ben, in particular, has an expression that says: “Good grief, I thought that woman would NEVER leave the house.”|
|Violet throws a moody little tantrum at her mom, claiming that the new baby isn’t going to mend the failed marriage or their broken family.
Vivien: *sarcastic* Wow Violet, I’m really appreciating your optimism on this! Really am! Come on, go ahead and say all your mean things!
|Ben lied about visiting a patient overnight, but he’s actually staying with Hayden to provide moral support while she gets her abortion tomorrow. While both of them claim to be remorseful over their actions, you can tell from his body language and those lustful eyes that he’s still totally craving that twenty-one-year-old piece of pussy.|
|Hayden proves to be an unstable bitch that breaks into tears at the drop of a hat (so at least those two have something in common). She throws a hissy fit after Ben was caught checking messages from home, since she’s supposed to have his undivided attention. Okay, I know Hayden has reason to be ~*emotional*~ about her trip to the abortion clinic, but there’s definitely some strong hints of SHE’S A CRAZY WHACKJOB up in this bitch.|
|“Excuse me, ma’am. I don’t want to bother you, but I’m hurt and needing some help. Please open the door so all my loopy friends can recreate an old murder scenario since that’s how we get our kicks. Yeah, we aren’t even original enough to come up with a new psychotic way to kill people. We must resort to copycat methods instead because that’s how much we goddamn suck. Open the door already!!!”|
|Back at home, we see an eerily similar scenario play out where Vivien answers the door to a stranger with a suspicious head injury. However, Vivien is careful about inviting a crazypants inside by asking “How did you get hurt?” The loopy chick isn’t very good at deviating from the script and can’t tell a convincing lie. She’s all like “I ALREADY SAID I’M NEEDING SOME HELP! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR LADY!” And Vivien is like “Um, how about I lock the door and call the cops on your ass instead?”|
|Nonetheless, the evildoers manage to break into the house anyway. And surprise, it’s that elevator therapy lady and her whole band of crazy!!! Bianca wasn’t seeking for psychiatric help from Dr. ‘Were You Molested As A Child?’ Harmon. She’s actually here to kill some bitches like it’s ~1968~ all over again!|
|I think they wanted to pay tribute to Franklin (the 1968 killer) by re-enacting the whole murder again. They decide that Violet will be Gladys, the dead bitch who drown in the bathtub, and Vivien will be Maria, the dead bitch who got stabbed in the back. These three copycat killers even make them dress up in nursing uniforms so that the whole crime scene will stay true to vision.|
|Thanks to a surprise random appearance from Tate, who appeared and disappeared from the house like an apparition, Violet makes up some BS excuse about the bathtub to lure one of the copycat killers into the deadly basement…|
|I guess Vivien uses her *black bra strap* to seduce and distract her male attacker. The two of them put up a huge physical brawl on the floor. Vivien manages to get the upper hand when she grabs a blunt object and bangs it against his skull until he’s knocked out cold. You go, gurl~~~|
|Meanwhile, Bianca is like “I LOVE STEALING MUFFINS NOM NOM NOM.” And then five seconds later, she’s puking her guts out due to the acidic poisoning!|
|Guess who else will be eating some muffins tonight! We get a rather ~*sensual*~ scene where Constance is getting her grooves on with her gentleman caller. To be honest, she might as well be making out with a mannequin, since this pretty young thing is so dull and brainless anyway.|
|While Adelaide knows about the home invasion happening next door, she fails to articulate a proper warning to her mama. As a result, Constance just gets aggro at her daughter, going all BITCH YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT A WOMAN FROM ENJOYING HER STUDBERRY MUFFIN!|
|As punishment for her ‘bad’ behaviour, Constance locks her daughter into a closet, where cracked mirrors hang on all four walls. Adelaide starts freaking out and screaming at seeing her reflections everywhere.
Adelaide: D: D: D:
|I’m having difficulty providing a coherent recap of the proceedings, and I don’t know how to describe these following scenes, because honestly…I still have no fucking clue what’s going on. WTH happened in the basement!?|
|From what I gathered, I think the bad guys are lured into the basement, where Zombie Maria and Zombie Gladys are waiting to feast on their intestines or something?|
|The end was very confusing and I dunno what kind of shit went down in the basement. All you need to know is that the good guys escape while the bad guys get their comeuppance, so I guess…yay?|
|Ben accompanies Hayden all the way to the abortion clinic, so he doesn’t find out about the home invasion until it’s all over. Not that it seems like Vivien or Violet ever crossed his mind. Just look him! Good grief Ben, can you stop making those fuck-me eyes at Hayden already!? Let’s not make these trips to the abortion clinic a recurring thing, okay?|
|During the police investigation afterwards, Ben nearly craps his pants when the cops ask him if he was seeing a ‘real’ patient on the night of the crime. It turns out they were referring to Bianca, with her phony elevator nightmares, and she was found chopped into pieces…|
|…well, at least Tate put his psycho into some good use.|
|After the whole break-in ordeal, Violet lets her feelings known about how much she prefers one parent over the other. She’s pretty much like “Mom, good job on fighting off three killers and saving both of us. You were really brave last night. And dad…YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.”|
|Ben apologizes about not being there for the family last night, but at least he’s home now. (Wow! Good for you, Ben! Take a cookie!) Apparently having three crazies break in and nearly murdering her is kind of a deal breaker for Vivien. She declares that they’re selling the house.
Oh bitch please, it’s so not gonna happen. The show will stop you one way or another. We all know you’re trapped here forever~~~